07x12 - Dee Dee's Dilemma/Julie's Blind Date/The Prize Winner

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Love Boat". Aired: September 24, 1977 – May 24, 1986.*
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Set on the luxury passenger cruise ship MS Pacific Princess, and revolves around the ship's captain Merrill and a handful of his crew, with passengers played by guest actors for each episode, having romantic and humorous adventures along the way.
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07x12 - Dee Dee's Dilemma/Julie's Blind Date/The Prize Winner

Post by bunniefuu »

[Music playing]

Theme song: Love,
exciting and new.

Come aboard.

we're expecting you.

And love, life's sweetest
reward, let it flow.

It floats back to you.

The love boat soon will
be making another run.

The love boat promises
something for everyone.

Set a course for adventure,
your mind on a new romance.

And love won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile
on a friendly shore.

It's love.

Welcome aboard.

It's love.

[Mysterious music]

[Chatter]

Gopher: Bye-bye.

So long.

Sir?

Frank fenimore,
private investigator.

What can we do for you, sir?

I'm looking for a young woman.

Who isn't?

Her name is Doris Holden.

I have information that
she's booked on this cruise.

Doris Holden.

Uh, we don't have anybody
listed by that name, sir.

That figures.

She's probably using an alias.

What does she want it for?

Oh, I read about this.

This is a big
juicy divorce case.

Frank fenimore: She works
for state senator kadden.

Now she knows everything there
is to know about this case.

The only problem is she's
been ducking me for weeks.

Well, if she is coming
aboard, she's going

to have to use that gangway.

If she thinks she's gonna
give me this slip this time,

she's got another thing coming.

Mirror, mirror in her hand.

The fair Julie expect a man?

No, just something in my eye.

Yeah, anticipation.

Come on, you can tell me.

All right.

His name is Steve, and
according to my friend Sandy,

he's a real catch.

If he's such a catch,
why doesn't Sandy grab him?

Sandy's a guy.

And from what he tells me,
Steve has everything-- looks,

personality, intelligence.

- And you believe him?
- Sure.

He told Steve the
same things about me.

Excuse me.

Julie McCoy?

Yes, how do you do?

I'm a friend of Sandy's.

You're Steve?

No, Leonard gluck.

Steve got sick, so
he couldn't make it.

Oh.

But I heard so many nice
things about you, Julie,

that I bought his ticket.

I had to go and hawk
to get the money.

But it looks like you are
worth it, even at % interest.

[Chuckles]

How flattering.

I hope you're not
too disappointed.

No, no, of course not.

Leonard: Good.

Because I don't
get a lot of dates.

Now that's hard to believe.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I got something for you.

[Zipping]

Oh, thank you.

I found those in
the back of the cab.

Lucky for me.

Careful, Julie, this
guy's a real charmer.

[Giggles]

That's right.

Well, I better go get settled.

[Giggles]

[Speaks poor French]

[Giggles] One word out of
you, and it'll be your last.

[Chatter]

May I help you, young lady?

Oh, uh, no thank you.

My big sister's taken
care of everything.

Oh, there she is now.

Bye.

Bye.

Wow.

This cruise is going
to be outrageous.

- Excuse me.
- Oop.

What's your rush?

Come on.

I think you and I should
get to know each other.

Oh, wow, you and me together?

Wow, that would really
be neato mosquito.

Jerry: For sure.

Your face is cute, but, gee,
your outfit's prehistoric.

Oh, well, um, this is what
all the kids wear at school.

Mm, I can dig it.

What's your name?

Dor-- um, deedee.

All the kids at the video
arcade call me deedee.

Well, I'm Jerry.

Hi.

Like, maybe we
can party later?

What cabin are you in?

Well, that's for me to
know, for you to find out.

Bye.

Ah, to be .

You are, gopher, twice.

Ok, all checked in, son.

Great, dad.

While you were gone, I
met the cutest little fox.

- Already?
- Uh-huh.

Let's hope your old
man can get as lucky.

[Inaudible].

Right.
Bye-bye.

[Chatter]

Mr. and Mrs. Bakers.

We have cabin
on fiesta deck.

Welcome aboard.

I'm captain stubing, and
this is my daughter, Vicki.

How do you do?

I'm certain I've
seen your face before.

[Laughs] You see?

You're becoming more
famous than Johnny Carson.

My husband's done
a lot of talk shows

because he won the
book club prize

for the best novel of the year.

Oh, now I remember.

You're Daniel baker, the author
of that beautiful new book,

"many years from now."

Oh, you've read it?

Well, no, not yet,
but I've heard you

talk about it on television.

It's one of the best written
books I've ever heard about.

[Chuckling]

You can take the elevator
to the fiesta deck.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Enjoy your cruise.

Excuse me, Mr. Baker.

Would you autograph my copy?

Yeah.

My celebrity.

I'm so proud of you.

Thank you.

You bet.

Isn't that your secretary?

Oh, uh, Ellen, I didn't
tell you before because I knew

you'd get upset,
but I invited Wendy

to come on the cruise with us.

You're right.

I am upset.

I owed her something for
all the long unpaid hours

she's put in.

Come on, meet her with a smile.

You meet her with a smile.

I'm going down to our room and
make myself very seductive.

Then, I want to get down there
just as quickly as you can,

so you can repay me for
the lonely unpaid hours

that I've put in.

Wendy.

Oh, I couldn't get a cab.

I didn't think I was
going to make it.

Might have been
better if you didn't.

Ellen is very upset that
you're coming with us.

Oh, she is?

Well, just remember, Dan, I
can upset a lot more things

in your life than just Ellen.

Gopher: Well, Mr.
fenimore, maybe you're

just wrong about Doris
Holden being on board.

Could be.

Look, just in case she
did give us the slip here,

there's $ in
it for you if you

will find her and let me know.

$?

You got it.

[Chatter]

Sherlock Smith at
your service, sir.

[Horn blowing]

Doris Holden: Well, deedee,
you had a short life

but an important one.

[Knocking]

Jerry: Open up, little fox.

Your dude is here.

Jerry, oh know.

(In little girl voice)
Um, Jerry, could

you please go away?

Um, I'm not dressed.

Awesome.

(In little girl
voice) Um, Jerry,

I think I'm gonna
stay in the cabin,

because I've got a headache.

What a bummer.

Hey, maybe I can
call the doctor,

and he'll bring
you some aspirin.

(In little girl voice) Oh,
no, no, no, no, that's ok.

Um, you know, actually, i'm
feeling a whole lot better.

Um, you know how it
is when you're a kid.

You heal fast.

Uh, how about I meet
you up on the deck?

Well, sure, but hurry.

[Sighs]

Leonard: Boo!

[Yelps]

I got you there, didn't I?

Oh, you sure did.

Yeah, I'm full of surprises.

Oh.

Back in school,
I was voted second

runner-up for class clown.

How very impressive.

Thank you.

[Splashing]

Well, now that you know
a little bit about me,

why don't you tell me
something about you?

Where are you from?

Well, I grew up in Oregon.

You're from Oregon?

Boy, what a coincidence.

Are you from Oregon?

No, Ohio.

We're both from states
that begin with an "o."

That's got to mean something.

[Chuckles]

It must.

Gee, Leonard, I'd love to
stay and chat with you,

but I've got a
lot of work to do.

Oh, well, if I could solve the
unemployment problem every time

I want to talk to
somebody, they'd suddenly

have a lot of work to do.

Well, I do.

I really do.

Well, I'll see ya.

I will.

[Splashing]

[Claps]

Hey, guys.

[Chuckles] Hey, over here.

[Sighs] Dan.

Dan come out here for a minute.

Well, well.

I told you I was going to
make myself very seductive.

This is it.

What do you think?

Well, do you mean seductive
"to persuade to disobedience"

or do you mean seductive
"to lead astray"?

I think more of the second--

in fact, a lot
more of the second.

[Phone ringing]

Yes?

Oh, hello, Wendy.

Uh, ok, I'll meet you on the
lido deck a little later.

All right, all right.

I'll be right up.

[Phone clicks]

I have to go.

Wendy's arranged a
telephone interview

with a publisher who's
interested in my new book.

Now?

Well, it's important.

Well, it better be important,
because it's interrupting what

I thought was very important.

Aren't we ever going
to be alone together?

I'll be back soon.

Mm.

[Chatter, laughter]

[Splashing]

(In little girl voice)
Take it easy, Jerry.

You'll melt the ice cream.

Gopher.

Hm?

If the private eye could
not find Doris Holden,

what makes you think you can?

Because I'm like a bloodhound.

Once I'm on the scent,
nothing can stop me.

You know, rover,
I think you're

barking up the wrong tree.

Could be.

But if you help me, I'll
split the $ with you.

$?

[Chatter, splashing, laughter]

So this is the
reason I've barely seen

my son since we came aboard.

Deedee, this is
my dad, Phil Howard.

(In little girl voice) Hi.

Delighted to meet you, deedee.

Jerry's said a lot of
nice things about you.

And now I can see
they're all true.

I told him you
were really tubular.

(In little girl voice) Oh.

Oh, thank you.

Are you on board with
your parents, deedee?

(In little girl voice) Yes.

Um, I mean, no-- uh,
just my big sister.

Hey, I got this
really rad idea.

Why don't you and your sister
join us for dinner tonight?

(In little girl voice) Oh.

Uh.

Oh.

Um, we can't.

I'm sorry.

My big sister, she has that same
headache that I had, ya know?

So I just thought I would
take something in the cabin,

you know, because I hate
eating in restaurants alone.

Well, now you're
not going to be alone.

You'll join us, right?

(In little girl voice) Right.

Ah, this is the life.

I was born to be rich.

Right.

And I was born to be married.

[Splashing]

If I don't bet back to Ellen
pretty soon I won't be anymore.

Go ahead.

I'll meet you both for dinner.

Uh, listen, Wendy, uh, Ellen
won't want the three of us

to have dinner together.

Oh, she won't?

Then, I guess it'll
just be you and me.

But be sure and tell Ellen
she's welcome to join

us if she changes her mind.

Wendy, be sensible.

I'm sure there are a
lot of men on board

who'd love to take
you to dinner.

What if I asked Julie,
the cruise director,

to introduce you to someone?

Dan, the day I met you
I lost all desire to be

introduced to anyone else.

Anyway, if you didn't want
to spend your time with me,

why did you invite me on this
cruise in the first place?

You know very well why.

Oh, yes.

And we don't want
Ellen to know, do we?

By the way, I saw this lovely
watch in the gift shop.

I told the sales lady you'd
be in to buy it for me.

[Sighs] I'll
see you at dinner.

You can sign up for
this tomorrow morning.

Hi, Vicki.

Vicki: Oh, Julie, I have
some messages for you.

Oh, I didn't know
I was so popular.

Who are they from?

Well, this is from
a guy named Leonard.

And this is from Leonard too.

And so is this one.

In fact, they're
all from Leonard.

Who is this guy?

Leonard: Julie!

See for yourself.

Boy, I haven't heard
from you all day.

Yeah, well, that's
because I really haven't

had time to take a break.

Hey, listen, I figured
that since we were kind

of fixed up maybe you'd
like to have dinner with me

in my cabin--

little candlelight, some
music, maybe a couple of brews.

Well, gee, thanks, Leonard.

That's awfully sweet of you.

But I generally dine with
the captain at his table.

Oh, and I'm not good enough
for the captain's table?

No, no, I didn't mean--

I don't want you
to feel obligated,

but I did take a bus
miles to meet you.

Leonard, you
didn't let me finish.

I wanted to invite you to
join me at the captain's

table as my guest.

Ah, that sounds like fun.

Boy, I can't wait to
tell the captain all

about my sea shell collection.

[Rattling]

[Chatter]

Well, this is certainly
better than eating alone, huh?

I hope your sister feels
better in the morning.

Excuse me, sorry to
interrupt, but haven't I

seen you somewhere before?

(In little girl voice)
Um, I don't think so.

Well, I never forget a face.

(In little girl
voice) Uh, well, I

go to humboldt girl school.

Did you go to our junior prom?

No, my tux was
at the cleaners.

[Chuckling]

But really, you--you
look familiar to me.

Hey, look, like
it's highly unlikely,

so why don't you just take
my advice and pack it, huh?

Phil: Jerry, there's
no need to be rude.

I think you have deedee
mixed up with someone else.

Ok.

In that case, I'll just pack it.

Later, dude.

There you go.

Thank you.

I still can't get used to
signing my name for people.

It embarrasses me.

It doesn't embarrass me.

I love it.

For years, I've been
listening to my sister

Gloria brag about her husband.

Now even she will know that
my husband is more successful

than her husband will ever be.

If that sounds
infantile, then i'm

just the proudest, happiest
wife in her playpen.

[Giggles]

- Good evening.
- Oh.

Oh, hello, Wendy.

Hi.

Yeah, I guess with
one thing and another,

I forgot to tell you I
asked Wendy to join us.

Yes, I guess you did.

Well, I'm so pleased that
you could join us, Wendy.

Thank you, Ellen.

Oh, I'm so sorry I'm late.

And I certainly don't
have a good excuse.

I just got this
lovely new watch.

Oh, that's beautiful.

Wendy: Thank you.

Dan gave it to me for all those
nights we worked overtime.

Vicki told me you invited
a date to dinner tonight.

Julie, you sly fox,
you-- you never told us

you had a new man in your life.

Some things are
better kept secret.

[Spritzing]

Well, this must be the place.

Hi, everybody.
- Hi.

Evening.

Hi.

Well, Leonard, that is
some Cologne you are wearing.

Oh, you noticed.

Well, at $. a
quart, it better be.

[Chuckles]

How much did he pay for that?

I've never had a smell
close up my ears before.

So, what kind of
grub we got tonight?

It's our chef's
special Caesar salad.

Mm, looks great.

Mhm.

Boy, I remember the last
time I had Caesar salad.

There I was ready to
take a big old bite,

and what comes crawling out
of the lettuce but the ugliest

looking bug I have ever seen.

Just goes to show you, you
never know what you're getting.

[Music playing]

[Applause]

I didn't know you'd mind.

I thought you liked Wendy.

I do like Wendy in
her place, which I think

is about nautical
miles from here.

I know how you've been
looking forward to this cruise.

What I can't
understand is why you

thought it was necessary to
invite her along with us.

Oh, I know, I know--

to repay her for all of
those nights she worked.

Well, she did.

Well, you also gave
her an expensive watch

for those same nights.

What did she do all
of those nights?

What are you implying,
that I've been unfaithful?

I'm not implying anything.

But you did give her
a watch and a cruise.

Hey, what's the matter
with you two letting all

that great music go to waste?

Come on, Dan, dance with me.

Uh--

that is, of course, if,
uh, Ellen doesn't mind.

Oh, I don't mind.

Oh.

As a matter of fact, i'm
going back to the cabin

to go to sleep.

But it's still early.

Oh, it is?

Well, of course, you and Wendy
would know more about what time

it is than I do.

[Music playing, chatter]

You know, like this music
is, like, totally lame.

You can't even pogo to it.

Deedee?

Deedee?

(In little girl
voice) Oh, huh, what?

Do you think the
music is totally lame?

(In little girl voice) Oh,
no, I think it's very romantic.

I mean, um, I think
it's tubular, totally.

Well, I think it's a
shame for such a pretty girl

to just sit here when there's
tubular music playing.

Someone should be a gentleman
and ask deedee to dance.

(In little girl voice)
Well, I'd love to, Mr. Howard.

Thank you.

That is, of course, if
you don't mind, Jerry.

Oh, no, no.
Go ahead.

Knock yourself out.

Wow, you're a big
girl for your age.

(In little girl voice)
Oh, um, wheat germ.

Does wonders for
building bodies.

[Chuckles]

(In little girl
voice) Um, Mr. Howard,

is there a Mrs. Howard
anywhere around?

No, no.

My marriage was sh*t down in
the divorce courts years ago.

Aw, well, that's too bad.

[Fake giggles]

Boy, that was fun.

[Applause]

Let's do it again.

Oh no, Leonard.

You said just one.

Besides, if I kept
you all to myself,

it wouldn't be fair
to the other ladies.

Who said life was fair?

[Fake giggles]

Look, why don't
we get a drink?

Oh, that sounds nice.

I think I could use one right.

Great.

While you're up, you want
to get me a rum and coke?

You get them for
free, don't you?

[Fake giggles]

(In little girl voice)
Oh, oh, um, I got to go.

It's really way past my bedtime.

Thank you very much.

Um, will you say goodnight
to Jerry for me, please?

Bye.

You are coming in for
a nightcap, aren't you?

Oh, I don't think so.

Dan, I wasn't asking you.

I was telling you.

[Clinking]

You don't think i'm
bluffing, do you?

Wendy, I don't know if
you're bluffing or not.

Otherwise, I wouldn't be
taking you on cruises,

buying you watches,
and dancing with you

while my wife, whom I love very
much, is in our cabin alone.

Please come in
for just one drink.

No, Wendy, this can't go on.

Dan, this is not
only going to go on,

it's only just getting started.

[Giggles] And if
you don't like it,

darling Dan, you should have
thought of all that before you

lifted four entire
chapters almost word

for word from some
forgotten book

and plagiarized them for
your own prize-winning novel.

[Sighs]

Now, would you like to
come in for a nightcap?

[Door closes]

I was looking for the most
deserted part of the ship,

but it looks like
you b*at me to it.

You look like a young
lady I just met.

Oh.

[Giggles] I don't know.

I know-- you're
deedee's sister.

That's right.
I am.

I'm deedee's sister.

- Phil Howard.
- Hi.

Doris.

Nice to meet you.

I feel as though
we're old friends.

[Laughs] Yeah, so do I. I--

I guess it's us both
knowing deedee and all.

You don't mind if I hold
onto this just for luck.

Well, [giggles]
Uh, i--i gotta go.

Doris, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean any--

was that her?

I think so.

Too bad we couldn't get closer.

Looks like we missed
our big chance.

Looks like he did too.

Oh no.

Oh, looks like our
Casanova's waiting

for some moonlight romance.

Doc, he's driving me crazy.

I don't know what to do.

Well, take it from a doctor--

when you have a
pain, get rid of it.

You're right.

It's time I lowered the boom.

I just hope he doesn't
take it too hard.

Leonard?

Oh, hi.

Hi.

Beautiful night, isn't it?

Mm.

All you can hear is
they sea and the wind,

the sound of an
occasional seagull.

[Caws]

Leonard, we have to talk.

About what?

About us.

Actually, Julie, i'm
glad you brought that up.

Because there is something
that I want to say to you.

Oh?

Sometimes when people
meet on a blind date,

it's like magic, love at first
sight, two totally different

personalities making a
perfect combination, kind of

like knockwurst and Sauerkraut.

Leonard--

unfortunately, this
isn't one of those times.

I think you're a really
nice girl, Julie.

But to tell you the
absolute honest truth,

you just don't do it for me.

Leonard-- what?

It's nothing personal.

I just don't find
you attractive.

Let me get this straight.

Are you dropping me?

With a thud.

Don't take it too hard.

You're a young girl sort of.

I'm sure you'll
find somebody else.

I can't believe
what I'm hearing.

You're not going
to cry, are you?

Boy, I hate it when
you drop a chick,

and she goes around
blubbering all over the place.

Believe me, Leonard,
I'm not going to blubber.

That's it.

Be strong.

You'll forget about me in time.

Ugh.

Aren't you coming
to breakfast?

No, I don't think so.

Why not?

You're the writer.

You can supply the dialogue.

Aren't you coming to breakfast?

No, I don't think so.

Why not?

Because I spent the entire
night waiting for you

while you danced
with your secretary.

That's not true.

I had an idea for a new book.

And we went down
to Wendy's cabin,

so she could take some notes.

Well, I'm sure that any notes
that Wendy took last night

will never end up in
a children's book.

Well, no matter
how it looks, I've

never been unfaithful to you
with Wendy or any other woman.

Now, come on.

Get dressed, and let's
go have some breakfast.

Well, no.

As soon as we started
on our ham and eggs,

Wendy would probably come
up and ask you to dance.

[Door slams]

Well, Julie, how'd
it go last night

with public nuisance number one?

Well, I don't think we'll
be seeing each other anymore.

Well, gee, I hope he
didn't take it too hard.

Hi, doc.

Hi, Vicki.

Julie.

Hey, Vicki, what's green
and black, and has legs?

I don't know.

What?

I don't know either, but
it's crawling up your arm.

[Gasps]

[Chuckles]
[Inaudible] [Laughs]

[Fake laughs] Well, at
least he's not depressed.

Wish I could say the same.

Listen, dad, man to man,
how can you tell, like,

when you're really in love?

Well, that's a tough one, son.

I've learned to follow my
stomach as well as my heart.

Your stomach?

Yeah.

When some people fall in
love, they eat like crazy.

In my case, I can't eat a thing.

Well, I must be one
of the crazy ones.

And if you're not
eating anything--

[clinking]

See that guy over
there in the red shirt?

Yeah.

That's the guy who was
with Doris Holden last night.

Hey, gopher.

Hm?

I bet if we stick
close to this guy,

he'll lead us right to her.

Yeah, not to mention
the smacker reward.

You're right.

[Chatter, clinking]

Hi.

Where have you been?

You were supposed to
meet me minutes ago.

[Sighs] Wendy, I've
decided I'm not going to let

you blackmail me anymore.

It's ruining my marriage,
which is the most

important thing in my life.

When you made your speech
accepting your literary prize,

you said that was the most
important thing in your life.

I wish I'd never
written that novel.

As we both know,
Dan, you didn't--

at least, not all of it.

All right, Wendy,
how much money

do you want to stop blackmailing
me once and for all?

Now I see why you had to
steal someone else's book.

What do you mean?

I mean you're not as bright
as I gave you credit for.

I don't want money.

I want to be married
to a prize winner.

Vicki (on speaker):
Good morning,

and welcome to Puerta vallarta,
Mexico's answer to paradise.

We'll be in port all
afternoon, so you'll

have plenty of time
to take advantage

of all this charming town
has to offer. Enjoy your day!

[Seagulls cawing]

Still feel bad about
dumping Leonard, huh?

I'd really rather
not talk about it, doc.

Well, he must be used to it.

Guys like him get rejected
times before lunch.

Can I ask you something?

Sure.

Am I attractive?

On a scale of one to ,
you're a definite three.

Of course you're
attractive. Why?

Well, what about
my personality?

Is there something missing?

Julie, what's this all about?

Are you all right?

I used to think
I was all right.

I can't believe it.

Last night I was all set
to let Leonard down easy.

But before I could,
he rejected me.

You're kidding.

Julie: No.

Amazing.

What's the matter with me?

Nothing's the matter with you.

That's not what
Leonard thinks.

Julie, you wanted
to get rid of him.

So now that you have,
consider it a blessing.

You're right.

Who cares why he
isn't attracted to me?

I care.

Dad?

What are you doing here?

I came to apologize to Doris.

I may have come on
too strong last night.

Well, you were lucky.

I didn't even get a sh*t.

That deedee, she turns
me on to the Max.

[Knocking]

Who is it?

Phil: Doris, it's Phil.

Oh, Phil, how nice.

I'm also here to see deedee.

[Door slams]

Oh, Phil, I'm sorry.

I'm getting dressed.

Could I meet you up
on the deck later?

Yeah.

Wonderful.

Well, when can I get
to see you, deedee?

(In little girl
voice) Um, Jerry?

Uh, you know, i'm
not feeling so good.

I think I'm sick again.

Look, I'll just stay out
here till you get better?

(In little girl voice) Aw, no.

Um, I'm sure I'll
be better soon.

Can I meet you up on
the deck later too?

Ok, ladies.

We'll be waiting.

[Whistling]

[Inaudible]

Hi, gentlemen.

Now we know which
cabin she's in.

Now you know which
cabin who's in?

[Inaudible]

Sir, there is a lady
on board this ship

who was supposed to
testify in a divorce case.

And a private
detective offered

us $ dollars to find her.

Well, I'll be offering
you your walking

papers if you're not back on
duty in exactly one minute

flat.

Just left, sir.

I don't suppose
you'd be interested--

no.

[Seagulls cawing]

Hi, Leonard, would you like
to go for a walk on deck?

Listen, lady, back off.

I tried to be nice to you last
night and let you down easy,

so quit bugging me, ok?

Please.

Don't beg, Julie.

You're better than that.

I wasn't begging.

There are plenty of
other guys on this ship.

You could find somebody else.

But please, for both of
our sakes, quit chasing me.

[Clapping]

That was very good, Leonard.

Now if anyone else would like
to audition for the ship's play,

you can sign up in the lobby.

[Applause]

[Rustling]

Ellen, uh-- why
are you doing this?

Aren't you even
going to answer me?

I'm getting off this
ship and flying home.

Listen, Ellen, I know
you won't believe me,

but I really have been working
on a new idea with Wendy.

[Scoffs]

You know I never
discuss my work

with you until I'm finished,
but I'll tell you my idea.

Sit down a second.

What is it?

Well, this new
plot I've got is

about a prize-winning novelist.

And without his wife
knowing about it,

the novelist stole
three or four chapters

from another novel that was
published a long time ago.

And now, the novelist's
secretary is blackmailing him.

And he-- and he
can't tell his wife

because it's so humiliating
and because he'd die if he

didn't have his wife's respect.

Well, what do you think?

It's a bit melodramatic.

Why don't you work
on the ending?

Ellen.

[Rustling]

[Knocking]

Open sesame.

[Door closes]

I'm sorry to bother you,
Leonard, but I have to.

I have to find out
what it is about me

that you dislike so much.

Uh, Julie, don't
get yourself crazy.

Let's just say
you're not my type.

Let it go at that.

Well, what exactly
is your type?

I happen to be an
attractive, intelligent woman.

And there are a lot
of men out there

who find me very desirable.

Oh, really?

[Chuckles]

Yes, really.

And besides that, a lot of them
think I'm pretty damn sexy.

Sexy?

Yeah.

You said it, baby.

And I'm one of them.

What are you doing?

I think it's pretty obvious.

What's gotten into you?

Passion, my little mermaid.

Leonard.

Don't fight it, Julie.

It's in the stars.

You want to see stars?

Take one more step.

Julie, please
stay, and I promise

this is a night you'll remember
for the rest of your life.

I know.

That's why I'm leaving.

[Door slams]

Well, Doris
Holden, alias deedee.

Ah, haha.

Well, I guess I
can't stay forever.

I'm afraid not.

Listen, before you
call that detective,

would you please let me
tell my side of the story?

- Huh.
- Sounds fair to me.

Ok.

Ok.

Uh, I've been senator
kadden's assistant

for the past five years.

I've become very close
with both him and his wife.

And they've told me
things in confidence

I would never reveal in court.

It would hurt them too much.

If you were me,
what would you do?

Well, if it isn't
the Hardy boys.

Is this the young lady
you've been looking for?

No, sir.

On your wise advice, we
gave up that assignment.

Yeah, sir, the
lady in question

is not aboard this ship.

Well, I'm delighted.

Now I'll have the
pleasure of having

my purser and chief barman
back with me full time.

Oh, yes, in answer
to your question,

the acapulco lounge is
just around that way.

Thank you very much.

A right and then a left.

Well.

Julie (on speaker): We
hope you enjoyed your day

in beautiful Puerta vallarta.

We expect clear skies and smooth
sailing on our return trip

to Los Angeles.

Hi.

I've been on every
deck on the ship twice.

I didn't think you were coming.

Oh, um, I got sidetracked.

It's a long story.

And I don't want to hear it.

You're here now, and that tells
me everything I want to know.

Well, not everything.

You know, this
is really grodie.

I've been on every
deck on the ship,

and I can't find
deedee anywhere.

Well, when you see
her, tell her her sister

and I are going to be
very close from now on.

Very, very close.

Hey, outrageous.

Hey, I wonder what
deedee will say when

she finds out about you two.

[Sighs] I know
exactly what she'll say.

(In little girl voice)
Oh, wow, you and me?

That's like neato mosquito.

Come on.

The two of me will explain
it to the two of you.

Oh, Julie.

[Door closes]

Julie, wait.

I'd like a chance to explain.

What's to explain, Leonard?

You're schizophrenic.

I don't blame you for being
upset, but please hear me out.

All right, I'm listening.

You see, all my life, I've
had this trouble with girls.

What kind of trouble?

They can't stand me.

High school, I had
to pay a girl $

just to go to my
senior prom with me.

Our second date,
she charged me $.

Leonard.

It's all right.

I'm used to it.

Let's face it-- Robert
redford I ain't.

But that's why I
acted the way I did.

I don't understand.

See, a while back,
I started noticing

that women were more attracted
to men that they couldn't have.

So when it seemed that
you didn't go for me,

I figured the only way
to get you interested

was to reject you.

That way, I became
kind of a challenge.

That's crazy.

Got you to come down
to my cabin, didn't it?

Then, my animal
instincts took over.

Boy, I'm really sorry, Julie.

You think you could
ever forgive me?

I guess so.

I just couldn't help myself.

You looked so beautiful.

Then you do find
me attractive.

Do I?

Aw, you knock me out.

You come any
closer, and I will.

[Chuckles]

Ok.

Hello?

Ellen, I thought
you'd left the ship.

No, I was thinking about
the plot for your new book,

about the plagiarizing novelist.

Uh, darling--

I think the storyline would
be stronger if you stressed

the reason why the novelist
plagiarized to begin with,

because his overly ambitious
wife wasn't satisfied

until her husband
was more successful

than her sister's husband.

Yes, that's possible.

And what if the novelist
made his wife love him again

by publicly confessing
the whole thing

and returning the
literary prize?

It wouldn't be easy.

There would be a great
deal of humiliation

for both characters.

Ellen, it's a cliche but true.

Two people can survive anything
if they really love each other.

And besides, his wife
is the only prize

the novelist really wanted.

So long.

Thank you for joining us.

[Chatter]

Ah, gopher, Isaac, thank
you so much for not telling

the detective you found me.

Ah, but we did right after
he called a few minutes ago

to let us know that your
senator and his wife

settled out of court.
- What?

- Hey.
- Yes.

Yes.

So there's no one
looking for you.

You're free as a breeze.
- Aw.

I don't know.

I have plans to limit Doris's
freedom for a long time.

[Giggles]

I'm probably the only
guy around who lost

his girlfriend to his father.

Outrageous.

I call it totally awesome.

- Yes.
- Bye-bye.

Bye.

So long.

[Phone ringing]

Goodbye, captain.

Oh, goodbye, Mrs. Baker.

Captain stubing, I
thought you might like

to have this copy of my book.

Why, thank you, Mr. Baker.

After the press conference
which I'm holding tomorrow,

it could be a collector's item.

When this is over,
Dan, your future

won't be worth two cents.

And don't expect
me to be around.

Oh, the future looks
brighter already.

Thanks a lot for
everything, Julie.

You sure there's
no hard feelings?

No, no.

I actually kind of enjoyed it.

Really?

Don't answer that.

Oh, hi, doc.

Hi.

Good luck, Leonard.

Take care.

Yeah, bye.

Bye.

Uh, Julie do
you think it might

be possible for me to maybe get
something to remember you by?

Yeah, sure, Leonard.

What would you like?

How about a weekend in Vegas?

I know this great motel
that's got mirrors

on the ceiling, a fiber film--

[Theme music playing]
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