07x17 - Aunt Emma, I Love You/Hoopla/The First Romance

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making
another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something
for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard,
it's l-o-o-o-ove ♪

♪ ♪

[ Laughs ]

Well, enjoy the cruise.
Bye-bye.

-Have a good time.
-Have a good time.

Gopher, run down
to the stock room.

Get some bow ties.

Bert multon!
Oh, gosh.

-Look who's here.
-Oh, and bea.

[ Both laugh ]

Boy, it's wonderful
to see you two.

You both look great.
-Thank you.

Oh, and look at you.

-Purser Smith.
-Yeah, huh?

It's a far cry
from that little,

skinny stock-room kid
we had.

And how.

Oh, oh, you guys,
I want you to meet

captain stubing
and his daughter, Vicki.

This is Bert
and bea multon.

-Pleasure to meet you.
-A pleasure.

Any friend of our skinny,
little stock boy is

a friend of mine.
[ Laughter ]

He's the guy that orders
me around these days, Bert.

Oh, please, don't describe me
that way, gopher.

And that's an order.
[ Laughter ]

-Well, enjoy the cruise.
-Thank you, captain.

And if gopher doesn't give you
extra-special treatment,

-let me know.
-Thank you.

-Thanks. Bye-bye.
-See you later.

So, tell me -- do you still
have the haberdashery store?

Yeah, still got the same
little hole-in-the-wall.

Oh, boy, that place was big
for me.

The money I made there
helped pay my way

through college,
you know?

Right, mm-hmm.

Well, come on, honey,
let's not take up

any more of his time.
We better get going.

What, are you crazy?
Are you kidding me?

Friends like you?

You're gonna see
a lot of me this cruise.

Don't be
too friendly.

You see, this is not
only our anniversary.

It's our second
honeymoon.

So friends
but not too friendly.

[ Laughter ]

Hey, listen,
can I help you with that?

No, no, no, no,
no, thank you.

Well, you see, she wouldn't
even let me carry it.

It's my anniversary present,
I think.

Looks like
a handkerchief, huh?

[ Laughter ]

-You'll soon find out.
-Well, the sooner the better

because when
the second honeymoon starts,

we won't have time
to look at presents.

-Mm-hmm.
-Right.

-Come on, now, stop.
-[ Laughs ]

Skeet Jamison,
what are you doing here?

Is that any way to greet
your old high-school buddy?

Yeah, my old high-school buddy
who still owes me

four years
of lunch money.

Isaac, you should be
thanking me for preserving

that slender physique.

Besides,
that was the old me.

The new me is
a legitimate businessman.

That'll be the day.

No, really.

I'm here
with the Harlem globetrotters

promoting their show
in puerto vallarta.

Skeet,
what's the angle?

The Harlem globetrotters?
Ha!

[ Laughs sarcastically ]
Harlem globetrotters.

Excuse me, we're looking
for Mr. Jamison.

Uh, that's me,
fellas.

Still don't believe me,
Isaac?

Hey, skeet,
come on, man.

Anybody can buy
a Harlem globetrotter patch

and sew it on a jacket.

And just 'cause
these guys are tall,

that don't mean anything.

If these guys are
the Harlem globetrotters,

I'm "magic" Johnson.

Maybe this will
convince you.

-All right.
-There you go.

-What you got?
-Hup!

Hup, hup, hup,
whoop!

[ All talking at once ]

-Bring it on home.
-All right, all right.

-All right, all right.

-All right.
-Yeah.

Guys, meet
an old buddy of mine --

magic Johnson.

[ Laughter ]

I'm really,
uh, Isaac Washington.

Mr. Jamison, could we have
a word with you -- alone?

Hey, Isaac is
one of my oldest friends.

Anything you have
to say to me,

you can say
in front of him.

Where's that advance money
you've been promising us?

Hey, you couldn't have
asked me that in private?

No worry -- you guys are
gonna get your money.

Skeet Jamison runs
an honest business here.

And if you don't,

we've been working
on a new play.

Yeah, and it's called
slam-dunking the promoter.

Foul!

Paging Mr. Gary atkins.

Will Mr. Gary atkins please
come to the purser's desk?

Hi.
I'm Gary atkins.

Oh, Mr. Atkins, this young lady
was looking for you.

For me?

I tried to convince her
she was looking for me

but she wouldn't buy it.

Smart girl.

Gary, I'm your father's
new secretary.

He asked me to tell you
that he's been detained

on business and he won't
be able to meet you

until puerto vallarta.

He always does this.

I thought for once we could have
a whole vacation together.

It was something
really important.

It's always something
really important.

What am I gonna do
on this ship all alone?

That's another reason
I'm here.

Your father asked me
to come on the cruise

and keep you occupied
until he arrives.

By the way,
I'm Karen.

Well, Karen,
looks like I'm gonna have

to try and make
the best of this.

[ Laughs ]

[ Air horn blows ]

♪ ♪

Thanks, guys,
for helping me mind my cabin.

What do you mean your cabin?
This is my cabin.

No, it isn't.
This is my cabin.

Hi, guys.

Don't tell me the four of us
are sharing one cabin.

Of course not.

All six of us are.

Hi.
Enjoying the cruise so far?

Yeah,
it's okay.

Good.

Gary, I hope you're not
too disappointed

with your dad.

Some clients came in
from Japan unannounced.

Sure, I know.

It's a huge account.

He just couldn't walk out
on them.

He never can.

Gary, your father
really loves you,

and he wants us
to get along.

So let's not
disappoint him.

I'm for that.

Meanwhile,

I hope
I can keep you amused

until your father
gets here.

[ Sighs ]

I'm not amused,
but I'm very interested.

It's a new suit.

They make suits better
all the time now.

How about a swim?

It seems a pity
to get that suit wet.

You a good swimmer?

Fair.

[ Sighs ]

Well, I'm very good.

I'll stay close.

I thought your father said
you were only .

I am.

But I take
lots of vitamins.

[ Laughs ]

♪ ♪

Well, uh, seeing
that you're in such a hurry

to give me my, uh,
anniversary present,

here's yours.

Oh, Bert.
[ Laughs ]

[ Gasps ]
Pearls.

Oh, Bert,
these are good ones.

Well, they're not
the crown jewels,

but they're good quality.

Oh, Bert,
they're beautiful.

Thank you.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Okay, now,
where's my present?

Uh, t-t-this really isn't
your present.

-Oh?
-No, no, I'll give --

I'll give that
to you later, okay?

Aunt Emma.

Why?

Why, why, why, why, why,
why aunt Emma?

Why would you bring aunt Emma
on a cruise? Why?

Bert, she's always wanted
to go on an ocean cruise,

but she d*ed
before she could,

so now she can finally
make the trip.

Why would you want
to take --

i mean, I see that picture
every day in our home --

every day.

Why would you want
to take it on a vacation?

Look at it this way --
it's her vacation, too.

But I never got along
with that woman.

She never got along
with me. I mean, we
just didn't hit if off.

I mean,
why bring her along?

I don't understand it.
It's ridiculous.

Bert, try
to understand.

The woman devoted her life
to raising me.

I mean, she gave up
everything

including the man
she wanted to marry.

At least she made
one guy happy.

Aunt Emma tried
to make everybody happy.

Don't you remember
what she said in her will?

"You have been
my treasure.

Let this painting
be yours."

A couple of bucks
in the will would have
been a better treasure.

Aunt Emma stays.

"Stays," right.

Now, where can I put
this thing?

Why don't you donate it
to the ship?

Maybe they're running low
on fuel.

There's a good spot
right over there.

-Over the bed?
-Yeah, right over the bed.

-Perfect. Perfect-olo.
-I'll take this one down, see?

Bert: Perfecto, yeah,
take it right down. Take
the other one down.

Take that one down and put that
over the bed, right.

-Right, how about that?
-Over the bed.

-Yeah?
-But a little more over here.

-Over here?
-Way over here.

-Way over here.
-No, no, way over here.

Why?

'Cause I'm gonna sleep
way over there.

[ g*nshots ]

[ g*nsh*t ]

[ Applause ]

[ Sighs ]
Isaac, my friend,

put that on my tab.

Isaac: Wait, a minute --
you don't have any money,

so how can you have a tab?

Well, I'll have
plenty of cash

after the game
in puerto vallarta.

Mnh, mnh-mnh,
mnh-mnh-mnh.

Speaking of cash,

you wouldn't happen
to have $,

you'd like
to turn into three

by the end of the cruise,
would you?

Yeah, I'd get three back,
all right -- $.

Isaac, I'm in a little bit
of a bind here.

I promised
the globetrotters an advance,

and they won't play
without that pay.

Skeet, you want
some good advice from a friend?

Yeah.

Start swimming.

Isaac, they don't play,
I'm out of business.

I'd like
to loan you the money,

but I don't have it.

I mean, I could buy
a ticket from you,

and I'm sure there's
a lot of passengers around

that would like
to buy tickets.

That's it!

If I sell the passengers
enough tickets,

I'm out of trouble!

Hi, g*ng.
How's it going?

-Fine.
-Fine.

Okay, all right.

What's wrong
with the two lovebirds here?

Hard to be a lovebird

when you got a vulture
hanging over the bed.

-"A vulture"?
-Mm.

"A vulture"? Did you hear
what he called you, aunt Emma?

He called you "a vulture."
You hear? He'll pay.

You'll pay.

Vulture, vulture.

Oh, Bert, wait a minute,
what's going on here?

When you guys got
on the ship,

you were so much in love
and happy and everything.

Sure.
[ Chuckles ]

You know when we boarded,
remember that package
she was carrying

the big, large package
that was wrapped up?

I thought it was
my anniversary present.

Turned out to be
a picture of her aunt Emma,

and she hung it
over the bed.

So, what?

"So, what"?

[ Scoffs ]
Her aunt Emma --

i mean, she never thought
I'd amount to anything.

I mean, she never gave me
any compliments,

always put me down.

Maybe she's right.

I still have the same
little, dinky store,

and I haven't gotten
any bigger, any better.

Can't be too dinky --
you're on a cruise.

Oh, this?
[ Scoffs ]

No, we won this
in a church raffle.

You know, I always had such
dreams for my store, you know?

It's a little, tiny thing,

but I always figured
I'm fixing it up, you know?

Bringing it up to date,
new stock, you know,

new fixtures, maybe expanding
but I never had the cash flow.

I never had the cash.

Yeah, but, Bert, you already
got what's important.

And this is bea's
second honeymoon, too,

so why don't you
just forget about aunt Emma

and concentrate
on making bea happy?

And then, everything will
work out great.

[ Chuckles ]
It's not that simple.

You see --

yes it is.
It is that simple.

I'm letting aunt Emma ruin
this whole cruise --

for nothing.

You're right. You're right.
Sometimes, I think --

thanks
for straightening me out.

♪ ♪

Whoa.
Hold on there.

Too much?

It was too much
before the last glass.

Well, you said
I was too young to drink

so you have to drink
for two.

[ Chuckles ]

So, tell me about school.

Your father mentioned
you might want to study law

after you finish college.

I don't want
to talk about that now.

Why not?

I'm interested.

I'm interested, too.

That's why I don't want
to talk about it.

Come on,
have some more wine.

If you don't stop,

I'm gonna have
to tell your father

you tried
to get me tipsy.

Well, then, I'll have
to get you so tipsy

you forget to tell him.

[ Laughs ]

th anniversary --
we made it.

We're here.
Look at this.

We're here.

We should be celebrating.

A little champagne,
a little prime rib for two

with the bone, eh?

If you want.

Lobster -- broiled lobster
with drawn-butter sauce,

cold bottle of white wine --
you like that, huh?

Whatever, Bert.
I'm not particularly hungry.

Hey.

Bet you can't remember
what we ate years ago

on our honeymoon night.

What'd we eat?

Hot dogs and beer.

Right,
hot dogs and beer.

[ Laughs ]
I remember that night.

I spent half the night nibbling
on a hot dog

but most of the time nibbling
on your ear.

[ Both laugh ]

I had mustard
all over my earlobes.

[ Laughs ]

It's the sexiest smell
I can ever remember.

[ Chuckles ]

years -- every time
I pass a delicatessen,

I get sexy...

-[ Laughs ]
-...And I think of you.

[ Laughs ]

-Gee, Bert, years --
-yeah.

It's really hard
to believe.

Well, time passes quickly
when you're --

when you're happy.

Are you happy, Bert?

I mean, are you really
having a good time?

Sweetheart, I never
look happiness in the mouth.

Think about it.

Captain, we want
to thank you

for having us
in this fine feast.

Well, there's no way
I'd have

the world's greatest
basketball team on my ship

and not invite you
to dinner.

Well, even
if he didn't invite you,

I'd hold my breath
until he did.

[ Laughter ]

I really admire
you guys.

To play as well
as you do,

you must eat, drink,
and sleep basketball.

No, way, doc.

When we're off the court,
we forget about basketball.

Oh, curley, could you
please pass me a roll?

It would be
a pleasure.

Oh, wow, a roll.
It's my time to have some fun.

My man. Nice pass.
How about that, goph?

Yeah.

Much obliged.

[ Laughter ]

If that's how you guys
pass the rolls,

I can't wait to see you toss
the salad.

[ Laughter ]

Hello!

How's everybody doing
on this glorious evening?

What's for dinner, guys?
Boy, am I hungry.

It'll be
promoter fricassee

if we don't get
that advance money soon.

Uh, I just remembered
I had a late lunch.

Oh, did I say
"late lunch"?

I mean "light" lunch.

[ Laughter ]

Ladies and gentlemen,
we will make a quick stop

in Ensenada to pick up
some passengers and cargo.

We'll be on our way shortly.

♪ ♪

After this number,
maybe we'd better sit down.

I'm getting
a little tired.

You young people.

"Young people"?

You're not that much older
than I am?

Well, I'm starting
to feel like it.

Just one more dance.

I like having my arms
around you.

[ Laughs ]

You know, bea,
you're still a great dancer.

Well, I always say
it's the man that's important.

Mm.

You hear
what the band's playing?

-Yeah.
-"I'm in the mood for love."

[ Chuckles ]

That's the song they played
on our honeymoon night, hm?

-Oh.
-[ Laughs ]

You know, I think
the band was

the only one
in the mood for love.

-Hey.
-I'm only kidding.

I'm only kidding.
-That was some night.

[ Chuckles ]

It was a night
to remember.

It was a night
to relive.

Listen, uh, if you're --
if you're serious,

let's, um -- mm.

Girly, you got a date.

Now, what do you say
we just slip out of here,

slip back
into the cabin,

slip into something
comfortable,

slip aunt Emma's picture
into the closet --

are you back
to that again?

Oh, come on, bea.

It's -- it's our cruise.
It's ours.

Yeah,
but it's her cruise, too.

Aunt Emma stays.

Look, bea, I don't want
to fight with you.

I really don't.
It's a cruise.

Let's make it happy.
I don't want to fight.

Now, look, once and for all,
either she goes or I go.

All right,
then you go.

-You don't --
-yeah, you go.

Okay.
[ Scoffs ]

Then, I'll go.

But you're gonna
be sorry.

Oh, boy!
Are you gonna be sorry.

[ Groans ]

♪ ♪

[ Applause ]

[ Drum roll ]

[ Cymbal crashes ]
-Ladies and gentlemen,

we have a special treat
for us tonight --

five gentlemen
who are with us

on their way to puerto vallarta
for a big game tomorrow.

They have thrilled audiences
in countries,

and tonight they're going
to thrill us.

May I present the incomparable
Harlem globetrotters.

[ Applause ]

[ Brother bones'
"sweet Georgia brown" plays ]

There's two tickets for you.
Yeah, okay.

What do you want?
Two tickets?

They're traveling
everywhere.

Hey, did you see them
when you were a kid?

Yeah, I know you did.
You loved them, huh?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Now folks, now folks,
now that was just

a small, dazzling preview
of what's in store for you

at the game
in puerto vallarta.

Now, there's still
a few good seats left,

but you better hurry.
They won't last long.

Cash, everybody --
just cash.

Sorry, no plastic.
Just cash.

Yeah, there you go.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

♪ ♪

Attention,
ladies and gentlemen.

We're now leaving Ensenada.

Our next port of call --
fabulous puerto vallarta.

I'm glad we got to spend
so much time together.

Me, too.

You know, I haven't met
very many girls in my life.

You're the best
I've ever met so far.

You're
pretty terrific yourself.

I have to get
back to my cabin.

Your father
and my boss is gonna be here

bright and early
tomorrow.

Speaking of the boss --
can the boss' son kiss you?

No.

But I'll kiss
the boss' son.

Well, that's it.

I gave the trotters
their advance,

and it's all thanks
to you

and your idea to sell
the tickets on the ship.

-Oh, it was no big deal.
-Oh, are you kidding?

I owe you my life.

Like I said,
it's no big deal.

[ Telephone rings ]

Acapulco lounge.

Yeah.

Uh, Mr. Jamison's here.

Okay, uh, Eddie,
could you put this call through?

Thank you.

It's a Mr. Perez
from puerto vallarta.

Ooh,
he owns the arena.

Probably gonna ask
if we can play a double-header.

[ Clears throat ]

Mr. Jamison here.

What can I do for you,
Mr. Perez?

The arena's flooded?

And you're calling me
while standing

on the top
of your desk?

Well, you can't call
the game off!

You can't do this to me!

Well, I've got
very tall players.

If the water's under seven feet,
we can still play.

How about if we change it
to water Polo?

Hello?

Hello?

He just gurgled
"goodbye."

Hm.

What a bummer.

Well, I guess you just
have to get the money back

from the globetrotters
and refund it to the passengers.

I'll give them
a rain check.

The next time
we're in puerto vallarta,

those tickets will be
perfectly good.

Skeet, just tell
the globetrotters.

They'll understand.

Oh, that's the trouble
with being on a ship.

You can't catch
a fast train out of town.

[ Elevator bell dings ]

Thanks for walking me
back to my cabin, Gary.

Oh, I'd walk you
anywhere.

You know,
your father's gonna be

so pleased that we've gotten
to know each other.

My dad --
I almost forgot about him.

Well, I haven't forgotten
about him.

-[ Sighs ]
-I'd better get inside.

It's been a long day.

It's been the best day
of my life.

Good night.

Good night.

Karen: Josh!

I finished with my clients
earlier than I expected to,

so I thought I'd surprise
you and Gary.

You just missed him.

Well, I wanted
to surprise you first.

Oh.

[ Men snoring ]

[ Basketball clunks ]

Listen, guys,
I am leaving the ship.

But being the honest guy
that I am,

I wouldn't think of leaving
without telling you man-to-man.

You don't have any objections
with my skipping ship, do you?

[ Snoring continues ]

Good.
I knew you'd understand.

I promised Isaac
I'd ask you to give back

the passengers' money
I gave to you as an advance.

So, what do you say?

Will you give it back?

[ Snoring continues ]

That's what I thought
you'd say.

Well, it's been nice
talking to you.

Oh, captain, captain, gopher,
have -- have you seen Bert?

-Well, no, not this morning.
-Me neither. Why?

Well, we had an argument
last night,

and when we went back
to the cabin, we didn't talk.

And I got up early this morning,
and I had an early breakfast.

And when I came back,
I found this.

"Bea, I thought this was going
to be our second honeymoon,

but all we've been
doing is fighting.

I've had it.

I'm going to end it
once and for all -- Bert."

Oh, it's
all my fault.

I should have never brought
aunt Emma's picture here.

Bea, don't blame
yourself.

This is probably
just a thr*at

to get you to come around
to his way of thinking.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I know Bert.

Once he makes up his mind
to do something, he does it.

Oh, if I could only see his face
one more time.

I got to find him.
I got to find him.

I got to stop him!

-Gary.
-Good morning.

Hey, Julie told me my dad
got in late last night.

What do you say you get dressed,
we'll go find him?

Gary.

Dad, what
are you doing here?

Well, I was able to get away
earlier than I expected, so --

no, what are you doing
here in her cabin?

Oh, uh...

Well, I guess I should have
told you before.

Told me what?

Well, Gary, um...

Karen and I are in love.

-You're in love?
-[ Chuckling ] Yes.

Does that
surprise you?

Sure does.

Last night, I thought
she was crazy about me.

Gary.

What's that
all about?

I guess Gary's developed
a little crush on me.

It seems to be a lot more
than a little crush.

I don't know.

♪ ♪

Hey, hey,
don't jump, Bert!

-Stay where you are!
-Don't do anything foolish.

Bert, Bert, please.
Please, look, I love you.

I love you.
I adore you.

Please don't let
aunt Emma's picture

come between us.

Please, Bert,
don't put an end to it.

I already did.

What?

Aunt Emma is overboard,
and that's it.

You didn't.

You didn't.

You did!

Bert,
I'm gonna k*ll you.

I'm gonna k*ll you
when I get you alone.

Bea, remember
what you said.

If only you could see
Bert's face again.

Yeah,
well, I'm seeing it,

and I don't like
what I'm seeing.

Well, you better start liking
what your seeing

because aunt Emma is overboard
good riddance.

-Bert.
-Excuse me, is this yours?

-Oh.
-Aunt Emma!

Oh, thank you!
Thank you so very, very much!

You're welcome.
It fell on the deck below.

-Oh.
-It fell on the deck below.

Yes!

[ Both laugh ]

The wind must have
blown it in.

[ Laughter ]

I forgot --
when you're on a ship,

you got to go like that.

Otherwise aunt Emma
comes back at you.

Aunt Emma is here.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you.

Oh, my.

♪ ♪

Buenos días señores
y señoritas.

We will be docking shortly
in puerto vallarta,

Mexico's haven
for pleasure-seekers.

During your stay,

enjoy the glorious
sun-drenched beaches,

delightful cantinas,

or shopping
in the many colorful boutiques.

Whatever your pleasure,
the good life awaits you.

Hurry, hurry!
I got to get off this tub.

Skeet.

Oh!
Hi, Isaac.

Hey.
Where are you going?

Oh, to the beach.

With your suitcase?

Ah, well, yeah, I thought I
might start a shell collection.

Yeah, it sounds more like
a shell-game collection.

Come here, man.

Listen, did you give that money
back to passengers?

Uh, no,
but I wanted to real bad.

Skeet, either you have got
to give the passengers

back their money
or give them what they paid for.

But the arena's flooded.

It's soggy city.

We don't even have
a place to play.

I've been thinking
about that.

What if we have the game
right here on the ship?

-On the ship?
-Yeah.

Who we gonna play?

I used to play basketball
in school, remember?

Now, I was thinking
I could get

a few of the crew members
together.

They'd love to take on
the Harlem globetrotters.

Isaac, the globetrotters are
professionals,

not rinky-dinks.

Well, either you play us
in a game,

or your give the money
back to the passengers.

Okay, I'll think about it,
and I'll get back to you.

I do my best thinking
when I'm running.

All right, I'll go and speak
to the globetrotters,

but you better come along
with me.

Me?

What can I do?

You can identify
the body.

So this is
where you've been hiding out.

Your father's been looking
all over for you.

I don't want to talk
to either one of you.

Gary --

if you're so much
in love with my father,

how come you didn't tell me
last night?

You know what I think?

I think the reason
you didn't tell me is

because you weren't thinking
about my dad last night.

You were having
too good a time with me.

Of course I was having
a good time with you.

You're a very nice boy.

I'm not a boy.
I'm a man --

a man that's in love
with you.

Gary, please,
try to understand.

I'm in love
with your father.

Maybe you just think
you're in love with him

because he's your boss.

You don't have to be afraid
of losing your job.

I'm not.

Well, I'm not afraid,
either.

I'm gonna fight him
for you.

I'm gonna tell him that
right now.

Gary.

Come on, you guys.

The passengers are expecting
a game.

What's the difference
where you play?

It's the thrill of playing

that makes this game
a national pastime.

-That's baseball.
-Whatever.

Look, we don't care
where we play.

It's who we play.

We got to play against a team
that knows basketball.

And we know basketball.
Slam dunk!

Double dribble.

In your face.

[ Coughs ]

Come on, skeet, they'll never
even score a basket.

I'll bet you
they would.

I'll bet you
they wouldn't.

-We would.
-You wouldn't.

-We would.
-You wouldn't.

We would!

-How much you want to bet?
-Doesn't matter.

You don't have any money,
anyway, remember?

You know, sweet Lou, you're
really beginning to bug me.

But in
a very nice way.

I'll tell you what --
I'll bet you $

against me being
your ball boy for one year

that the crew will score
at least one basket.

All: Ball boy.

[ Laughter ]

This guy?

[ Laughter ]

What do you say,
guys?

-Yeah, all right.
-All right.

-Hey, all right!
-Hey! Whoa!

Okay,
it's all arranged.

A court will be set up
in the dining room.

-The dining room?
-Yeah.

It's only half-court,
but it'll be the same

for both teams.

I think the dining room is
a perfect place

'cause we're gonna
eat you guys alive.

Yeah, and I wouldn't
be surprised

if this guy's
your most valuable player.

Well, thank you, sweet Lou,
that's very kind of you.

'Cause your gonna need
a doctor.

[ Laughter ]

Gary, you're
a confused young man.

Karen was just trying
to be nice to you last night.

That doesn't mean
she's in love with you.

I'm not saying
she's in love with me.

I'm saying she likes me a lot,

and she could be in love
with me more easily

than she could be in love
with someone as old as you are.

Well, this might come
as a great shock to you,

but I don't think
of myself as old,

although I am old enough
to be your father.

You're old enough
to be her father.

You know, it's too bad
you didn't realize

you were old enough to be my
father while I was growing up.

Ah, so that's it.

This is your way
of trying to get back at me.

Gary, I --

this is no time
to go into all the reasons

why I wasn't around more
when you were growing up.

Believe me, I wish
it could have been

a happier home life
for all of us.

But I can't change
the past.

And so, the future --

I'm thinking
of marrying Karen.

What a coincidence.
So am I.

Karen,
I'm glad you're here.

Maybe you can settle this
once and for all.

Tell Gary
that you love me.

See, you're still
his secretary.

He's giving you
dictation.

Please, Karen,
tell him.

Go ahead, tell me.

That's an order
from your boss.

I thought you two had
made up by now.

I'm sorry Josh.

There's an old saying --
"you don't marry a man.

You marry a family."

And right now, this doesn't
seem like a family.

Attention passengers --
we hope you've enjoyed

your stay in puerto vallarta.

This evening, we will have
a special treat for you.

Our pacific Princess pirates
will take on

the world-famous
Harlem globetrotters.

Come cheer everybody on.

Believe me,
the globetrotters are going

to need all the help
they can get.

[ Whistle blows ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Ladies and gentlemen,

this is the main event!

[ Cheers and applause ]

And let's bring out
our teams.

First we've got
the greatest basketball team

ever assembled, the one,
the only, the original,

the Harlem globetrotters.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Brother bones'
"sweet Georgia brown" plays ]

[ Whistle blows ]

And playing them tonight is
the most fearless,

the most ferocious,
the most formidable set

of opponents ever to have faced
the Harlem globetrotters,

my favorite crew --
and I hope yours, too --

the pacific Princess
pirates!

[ All chanting,
"let's go pirates! ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Attaboy, doc!
Attaboy, doc!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Come on, Julie!
Come on!

Save it for the game,
Julie!

[ Laughter ]
-That's okay, Julie.

Next time.

[ Whistle blows ]

What do you say, pirates?
Go get them!

[ Cheering ]

Doc: sh**t, Isaac!
sh**t!

Hey, guys.
Would any of you like the ball?

Lou: Thank you.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Gopher:
Not anymore.

[ Whistle blows ]

You still think there's no way
we can't score

one crummy, little basket?

I didn't know they were gonna
be that much taller than us.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Julie:
Captain, sh**t!

I don't suppose you want
to help me with this, right?

You suppose right.

The only way
I'd help you hang you is

if I was leading
a posse.

If aunt Emma were alive,
she'd turn over in her grave.

Aunt Emma wouldn't turn over
for nobody.

I want her up.

Okay,
string her up.

There.

That's right.
That's it.

Aha.

She's up.

[ Imitates fanfare ]
Up!

Well, aunt Emma,
you ruined the cruise.

Now let's see
what else she can do.

Bert! Bert!
Bert!

Are you all right?
Bert! Bert!

You know, if I was to take
that personally,

I would --
oh, that was some hit.

Oh, that hurts.

Bert, Bert,
speak to me.

Speak to me, Bert!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Whistle blows ]

Gopher: sh**t!
sh**t!

[ Audience groans ]

[ Whistle blows ]

Time out --
Princess pirates.

Look, guys, I don't want
to get pushy or anything,

but there's only a minute
left in the game.

And if you don't get
a basket soon,

I'm gonna spend
the next months

playing Butler
to a basketball team.

Well, I guess it's time
for the secret w*apon.

Yeah, yeah --
secret w*apon?

We didn't want to have
to do it but we're desperate.

Vicki, you're gonna be
in the game for me.

-Okay.
-That's your secret w*apon?

Well, I'm little,
but I'm sneaky.

-Let's go get them, huh?
-Let's go!

All: Break!

[ Whistle blows,
cheers and applause ]

-Vicki, sh**t!
-sh**t, Vicki, sh**t!

[ Cheers and applause,
whistle blows ]

That's it!
Game's over!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪ ♪

You know,
it's amazing --

aunt Emma's been dead
for over three years,

and she's still
out to get me.

[ Chuckles ]
-I'm so sorry, Bert.

Really, I am.
I'll get rid of the picture.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.

Just a second.

This picture's making us crazy.
It really is.

It's not worth it.
It's ruining the whole cruise.

Yeah.

Look, I could live
with aunt Emma's picture.

But I can't live
without you.

I can't live without you,
either, sweetheart.

But I can live
without aunt Emma's picture.

-I'll put it away.
-No, no.

-Let me hang it up.
-Give me the --

what is that?

Money!

Money?

Money!

Bert, money!

That's a lot.

-Oh, look at all that money.
-A whole bunch a lot.

A lot, a lot.

Don't -- here.
-I know. I know.

I remember.
Remember --

remember what aunt Emma said
in her note?

She said, "you have been
my treasure.

Let this painting
be yours."

That's what she meant --
the treasure, the money.

-Money.
-Oh, Bert!

Look at this.

Oh, you know,
you're a lucky woman.

Me? No.

No, Bert.
It's for us.

It's for us, Bert.

Now you can do
anything you want to do.

You can fix up
the haberdashery store.

You can put in new lights.

You can do
anything you want to do.

It's for us!

Oh, sweetheart, I --
I never knew aunt Emma was

so stuffed full of love.

-Oh, yeah.
-Look at the love.

♪ ♪

I'm sorry, dad.

I'm sorry, too.

I really wasn't trying
to get back at you.

I thought I was in love
with Karen.

I know.

It's all part
of growing up.

I guess.

Maybe if we can spend
more time together,

I can help you
with the other parts.

I'd like that.

I really messed things up
for you, didn't I?

Not your fault.

Looks like you're gonna be
needing a new secretary.

[ Chuckles ]

Yeah,
I suppose so.

Well, uh, I have someone
in mind, uh,

if you have time
for an interview.

Now this is
what I call a family.

Thank you for sailing
with us.

-Bye-bye.
-Bye.

Come see us again.

Oh, I've got to say goodbye
to my rich friends.

-Mwah. Bye, gopher.
Goodbye, doc.

Good seeing you again.
And aunt Emma?

Wonderful aunt Emma.

Wonderfully wonderful good
and generous aunt Emma,

I never knew aunt Emma
until I knew her now.

[ Laughter ]

When we get back home,
she's gonna hang

in a place of honor.

In the bank,
not over the bed.

-Right, okay.
-Thank you.

-Bye-bye.
-Bye-bye.

-Don't bend it.
-I'm not bending it!

Bye-bye.

Oh, hello.
I hope you enjoyed your cruise.

We certainly did.

I found a wife.

You did?
Well, congratulations.

And I found a job.

Gary's gonna work for his father
during the summer.

And I can't wait
to see my secretary.

Well, I can promise you
one thing --

she's gonna be
very, very old.

You mean, like, ?

[ Clears throat ]
Bye.

-[ Chuckles ] Bye.
-Bye.

"To Vicki, the most valuable
player of the game."

There you go.
-Thanks, guys.

This will always remind us
of our big game.

Well, I know
I'll never forget it.

What about me, Vicki?

Don't you want my autograph
on that ball?

-Well, sure.
-That would be appropriate

since everything else
he signs bounces.

[ All groan ]

Thank you,
Mr. Jamison.

We gave all the passengers
their money back

for the tickets
they bought.

Oh, that was real nice
of you guys.

But you still owe us
that advance money.

It's practically
in your pocket.

You can trust me.

Well, we gonna do
something better than that.

We're going to take you
with us.

-Yeah.
-All right, come on, man.

Hey, hey can't we talk
about this?

Hey, wait a minute!
Wait a minute, guys!

Don't I get
one last goodbye?

[ Shouting indistinctly ]
-Bye-bye.

-Bye-bye.
-Bye-bye.

♪♪