07x25 - Dreamboat/Gopher, Isaac & the Starlet/The Parents/The Importance of Being Johnny/Julie and the Producer: Part 1

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Love Boat". Aired: September 24, 1977 – May 24, 1986.*
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Set on the luxury passenger cruise ship MS Pacific Princess, and revolves around the ship's captain Merrill and a handful of his crew, with passengers played by guest actors for each episode, having romantic and humorous adventures along the way.
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07x25 - Dreamboat/Gopher, Isaac & the Starlet/The Parents/The Importance of Being Johnny/Julie and the Producer: Part 1

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♪♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making
another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something
for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard,
it's l-o-o-o-ove ♪

♪♪

Attention,
all ship's personnel.

The motion picture company

is now loading
their equipment onboard.

Please be helpful and assist
them in any way you can.

Thank you.

♪♪

♪ Hooray for Hollywood,
doo doo doo doo doo ♪

♪ Holly-- ♪

Okay, get that junk out of here.
We haven't got all night.

Can you believe it?

A Hollywood movie company

is actually gonna film
a musical on the ship.

No big deal.

No big deal?

Glamorous movie stars
and a midnight sailing?

We've sailed
at midnight before.

May I have a word
with you, please?

-Sure.
-Yes, sir.

Regarding
the movie being made,

our ship is the star,
the focal point,

but the line has given
the producer permission

to use crew members to play
themselves in the background.

-What?
-Oh, that's fantastic!

All right, all right.

I advise you all to give
your full cooperation.

-Oh, great!
-Oh!

Sir, excuse me?
We're gonna be in the film?

Yes, in the background.

Whoo!

That's terrific. Then we're all
gonna be in the picture.

Way in the background.

Just think, we'll be able to go
to a movie theater

and see our faces
on the big screen.

♪ I can't believe it ♪

♪ hard to conceive it ♪

♪ but we're gonna be
in the movies ♪

♪ hey, mom, that hero
ain't Robert De Niro ♪

♪ it's your baby, me ♪

♪ in the movies ♪

♪ so call for Burt Reynolds
and Walter matthau ♪

♪ the crew of the love boat
is making its bow ♪

♪ and who needs George c. Scott
'cause I've got what he's got ♪

♪ he's maybe
a little outclassed ♪

♪ 'cause we're gonna
be in the movies ♪

♪ at last ♪

♪♪

Pacific Princess passengers
may now board.

We promise you
a very special cruise.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Stay close.

Arnold,
I want you to you to check

and double-check
all the equipment.

I'll need a staff meeting
at : A.M., sharp.

Sharp, that is!
Perfect.

[ Laughs ] Perfect!

Perfect,
ha-ha-ha-ha, perfect!

May I say what a pleasure
it is to meet Bennett barton

in person?
-Thank you.

Mr. Barton, sir,
I have seen every picture

that you have ever directed
and starred in.

-Is that right?
-Really.

Thank you.

Um, Arnold herlick,
my assistant.

With this ship as the set,

"dreamboat's" gonna
be a fantastic musical hit.

Could you tell us
what it's about?

Well, uh,
if I can't, who can?

It's a story
of a glamorous movie star

who inherits a luxury liner
on the verge of bankruptcy.

Now, to help her out,

some show business friends
stage a musical onboard!

It's a hit.

The ship is saved,
and there you are.

-I love it.
-Of course you do.

Sir, in my opinion,
that is all the makings

of a surefire smash.

We have an incredible cast --
Johnny lovett, the rock star,

the one and only Faye marsh...

-Faye marsh!
-Yes.

And, of course, yours truly.

Bennett barton.

They know who I am.

All right, sir.
I'll take care of that.

Thank you, Julie.

[ Telephone rings ]

Jack.

It's Jack chenault.

Jack chenault?
That name sounds familiar.

It's certainly familiar
to Julie.

She almost married him.

Jack! Jack!

Oh, Jack.

It's so good to see you.

Well, it's, uh,
it's good to see you, too.

Oh.

I'm, uh, I'm --

I'm probably a fool
to tell you this,

but I'm not Jack.

Huh?

You see, I'm Marty chenault,
Jack's brother.

Well, i-I'm sorry.

Oh, but it's --
it's all right.

But you look just like Jack.

No, no.
Jack looks like me.

I'm the older one, you see,
so I looked this way first.

Uh, most people think we're
the only twins in the world

born years apart.

Well,
this is very embarrassing.

Naturally,
you have no idea who I am.

Well, as a matter of fact,
I feel I know you very well.

Jack showed me every picture
he ever made of you.

You're Julie.

Jack described you then as that,
uh, let's see, that,

uh, incredibly wonderful girl
he was going to marry.

Is he still living
in Alaska?

Yes.

And, yes,
he's still married.

That's good.

Jack deserves happiness.

This is very embarrassing
for me.

I'm sorry that I ran up
and kissed you like that.

Oh, it's -- it's okay.

Just make sure
it doesn't happen again.

My, uh, lips chap easily.

Well, I'll keep a close check
on myself.

Is this your first cruise?

Yes, but I'm not here
for the cruise.

I'm the producer of this move
we're filming on the ship.

You are?

Mm-hmm.

You know, Julie, you
said Jack deserves happiness.

Maybe his brother does,
too.

Marty:
I hope I see you again.

What?

Listen, has shelley rush
boarded yet?

Rush...why does that name
sound familiar?

Because you saw her sing
last week at that little club.

Last week?

Remember,
amateur night, Monday night?

Come on!
-Oh, yeah, yeah!

Yeah. She was good.
She was pretty good.

Good?
She was great!

She's loaded with talent,

and she's gonna be
in the movie.

-Really?
-Mm-hmm.

I didn't know that.

Yeah,
neither does the producer,

but it's only a matter of time
before I get her discovered.

Ah, so you've kind of,

like, discovered her
yourself already then?

Mm, well, I will admit I did
go back to the club

another night to see
if she was as talented

as I thought she...

-Mm, talented, huh?
-Yoo-hoo! Isaac!

Shelley! How you doing?
It's good to see you.

Isaac, you were right.

This girl has star
written all over her.

Well, you know what they say --
it pays to advertise.

Yeah, who's gonna argue
with a billboard like that?

Uh, shell, you remember
my friend gopher.

Oh, hi, gopher.
Ooh, I --

I am so excited to be here.

I -- I would have tap danced
all the way from acapulco

to get a part
in this movie.

You know, I bet I could get you
into "dreamboat."

You can?

-Sure! I mean --
-wait, wait, wait.

Hold on, amigo.
Listen, it's all right.

I don't need any help
on this one.

You see, Bennett barton and I
are old friends.

Used to hang out in a bar
where I worked.

He and I are
just like this.

-Really?
-Mm-hmm.

There he is.

Watch this.

Hey, Bennett!

Good to see you again!
Isaac Washington!

It's good to see you.

So how you been, Ivan?

-Isaac.
-Isaac.

Look, let me get
a little settled

and I'll be more than glad
to give you my autograph later.

I thought you said you and
Bennett barton were like that.

Maybe it was a little more
like this.

Shell,
you know what you need?

You need an agent.

You need
a personal manager.

You need a guy
who can make a deal,

take a meeting,
call a ghost.

Well, w-where am I
gonna find somebody like that?

You're looking at him, babe.
Hold my calls.

-Sir!
-Yes?

-Guess what doctor's told me?
-What?

He told me that Johnny lovett
is gonna be on the cruise.

He's gonna be in the movie!

Mm.

Johnny lovett, my most favorite
singer in the world!

Oh, yeah.

-Oh, I'm so nervous.
-Now, honey.

There's nothing
to be nervous about.

Just think of him
as another human being.

Okay.

Another human being.

Look -- look, mom.
I don't think I can do this.

Oh, calm down, Johnny.
It's only a movie.

But it's my first movie.

I'm a singer, not an actor.
And -- and on top of that,

they expect me to act alongside
a big star like Faye marsh?

Now, Faye can be a problem,
I know.

But I'm here to help you.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna need
all the help I can get.

Feel like I'm jumping
out of my skin.

Oh, you're Johnny lovett!

Well, you're just
another human being.

I mean -- I mean,

you're the greatest human being
in the world.

You know, I have every one
of your records, Johnny.

-Yeah, can I get by?
-Johnny?

Look, mom, I don't have any time
to deal with this.

I got to get to my cabin,
away from these groupies.

Vicki,
was that Johnny lovett?

That jerk?

Who cares?

Captain,
I'm Angela lovett.

Well, hello.
I'm merrill stubing.

Well, I want to apologize
for my son's behavior.

He was very rude
to that young lady.

That young lady
is my daughter, Vicki.

Oh.

And -- and I apologize
if she was bothering him.

It, uh, she's at that stage,
you know?

Only too well.

Teenagers.

They can be difficult to raise,
especially for a single parent.

I know.
I'm a single parent, too.

Oh.

Look, if there's, um,
anything I can do

to make it up to Vicki...

Well, I'm sure an autographed
picture of Johnny would do it.

Well, consider it done.

May I show you
to your cabin?

Perhaps we can discuss
your joining me for dinner

some evening.

Yes,
to both suggestions.

Oh, by the way, Marty, uh,

the flowers and the champagne
are in Faye's cabin.

-Mm-hmm.
-Don't worry.

Good.
Good, good, good.

I took care of the imported
water and fresh fruit,

the scented towels...
Hey, did you arrange for that --

that what is it,
the -year-old French Brandy

that her latest friend
likes?

-Of course I did.
-Oh, good.

And now, look. We got to be nice
to this guy Don Cooper

so he'll be nice to her that way
she'll be nice to us.

All right?

You just relax.

I'll relax
when I see Don Cooper.

You know,
without a boyfriend around,

Faye is impossible
to deal with.

Faye, dearest!

Faye!

Marty, darling!

Oh, how wonderful
you look.

Oh, thank you.

And Bennett!

-Oh, so good to see you.
-Thank you.

You know, I have done nothing
but think about this picture?

I am dying to get started...

-Oh, she really is gorgeous.
-Practiced every day...

She's even more beautiful
and glamorous in person

than she in on screen.

I can't begin to tell you
how thrilled I am.

I love it -- the script,
the music, the costumes,

everything!
-Yes, it's beautiful.

I have a message here
from a Don Cooper.

-Uh, Don Cooper?
-Don Cooper.

-Here, I'll read it.
-I already read it.

He's not coming.
-Don's not coming?

-Mnh-mnh.
-That's all I needed,

with the lousy script
and miserable songs

that you've given
me in this -- this Turkey.

-Faye! Faye!
-Darling, darling...

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ Foghorn blows ]

♪♪

Good morning,
ladies and gentlemen.

I'm sure you know
that a major motion picture

will be filmed
aboard our ship.

There'll be
a daily filming schedule

posted in the purser's lobby,
so have fun.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
$,...

You're right.
He is like Jack's twin.

It's a very strange feeling
to meet someone

who looks almost exactly
like the man

you were very much
in love with.

I bet it is.

I'm not sure it's a feeling
I want to deal with.

You'll obviously have to
sooner or later.

When?

Well, it's your dance
and it's ladies' choice.

So long, Julie.

%...

Julie!
Julie.

I'm going over some production
details with Bennett right now

but, uh, can you and I meet
for coffee later?

Oh, gee, Marty.

I'd really love to,
but, you see,

my job keeps me pretty busy
and I really don't have

much time for a life of my own
on the ship.

But we'll probably see
each other again...Sometime.

♪♪

Well, what happened?
You, uh, you strike out?

You know,
I think she's turning me down

because I look like
my brother Jack.

Oh, Marty,
don't be so hard on yourself.

I'm sure she turned you down
because you look like you.

Hello, Faye.

Angela!

Oh, how nice to see you.

Well,
what are you doing here?

My son is in the movie
with you.

Well, Faye,
you look wonderful, as ever.

Oh, thank you, darling,
so do you.

You know,
I do so admire a woman

who doesn't try to hide
her age.

How could I?

You've taken
all the good hiding places.

After all these years,
you still hate me, don't you?

Why should I hate you?

Oh, come now.
I do detest scenes.

You've hated me
since the old days

when the studio fired you

and I got the lead
in "melody Lane."

You know perfectly well
I wasn't fired.

I left that picture
to get married.

Oh, well, it doesn't
really matter, does it?

I mean,
you know what they say --

cream always rises
to the top.

Yes, dear.
So does hot air.

♪♪

We've got a production meeting
at :, a rehearsal at :...

And a nervous breakdown
at :.

Don't you let that Faye
get under your skin like this.

I'll tell you something,
Bennett.

I -- Faye, my love!
Well, well.

What can we do
for our favorite star?

You can start off by getting me
a new script, a new wardrobe,

and a cabin that's larger
than a shoe box.

Faye, you already
have the best cabin, darling.

You -- I don't even know
what we're doing here.

I mean, you can't sh**t a movie
on a boat.

Ship.

You can't sh**t a movie
on a ship, either.

Well, maybe you're right, Faye.
Maybe you're right.

I -- I...

Maybe a ship is just too
confining for a big musical.

No! No way.

Look, Faye.

We'll sh**t the finale
in the studio,

but, Marty, the ship
is perfect for the rest.

Look, I've checked it out
from top to bottom.

I tell you,
this ship is perfect.

Wish you didn't sound
so unsure.

Look, Marty.

I know what it takes
to make a great musical.

♪ All it takes is genius ♪

♪ all it takes is genius ♪

♪ just a certain flair ♪

♪ just a little savoir-faire ♪

♪ all it takes is genius ♪

♪ all it takes is genius ♪

♪ no, there isn't any mystery ♪

♪ and I say this
in all modesty ♪

♪ that it doesn't take
a genius to see ♪

♪ all it takes is me ♪

♪ let me run over
the "dreamboat" plot ♪

♪ I'll show you
how dramatically ♪

♪ and very cinematically
a musical plot should be sh*t ♪

♪ a ex-showgirl name of Faye
gets a telegram one day ♪

♪ her uncle dies,
bequeathing her a ship ♪

♪ the ship is quite a wreck ♪

♪ but Faye says, "what the heck,
I could make it look like new ♪

♪ 'bout a million
bucks'll do" ♪

♪ but she hasn't got a million ♪

♪ or a thousand
or a hundred ♪

♪ but she has about $. ♪

♪ but her friends
from the chorus say ♪

♪ "you've got to do this
for us" ♪

♪ and they give her
their life's savings ♪

♪ to invest ♪

♪ but the dough
isn't quite enough ♪

♪ but Faye is pretty tough ♪

♪ she doesn't moan,
she doesn't groan ♪

♪ she gets the banker
on the phone ♪

♪ hops a ship to get the loan
for the rest ♪

♪ a showgirl, a ship ♪

♪ a banker with the dough ♪

♪ a heroine,
a villain ♪

♪ and away we go ♪

♪ we finally got the makings
of a show ♪

Look, Marty.

Picture this.

Close your eyes.
Close -- close your eyes.

There, now --
picture the dining room,

and there's Faye with four,
five, no, no, six dancers.

-Six dancers?
-Ten dancers!

Ten dancers!
That'll cost a fortune.

[ Laughs ]
You'll love it.

♪ All it takes is genius ♪

♪ all it takes is genius ♪

Five, six, seven, eight.

♪♪

What do you think?
-Well...

Now, picture this...

Five, six, seven, eight.

♪♪

I bet you never did consider
the passageway, did you?

It won't work.

So...

♪ Faye is a success ♪

♪ no, she isn't, it's a mess ♪

♪ though she hires a crew
and advertises cruises ♪

♪ you see,
the passengers don't come ♪

♪ and things are pretty glum ♪

♪ and the banker counts the days
until she loses ♪

♪ so to get her place some zip ♪

♪ Faye performs a semi-strip ♪

♪ from the times she was
a chorus girl and so on ♪

♪ and a director, played by me,
vacationing at sea ♪

♪ sees the act and says,
"why don't you put a show on?" ♪

♪ a showgirl, a ship ♪

♪ a villain, a strip ♪

♪ a director on a trip
gives the showgirl a tip ♪

♪ now we are starting to rip ♪

Oh!

Marty, look at this way.

One, two, three, four.

♪♪

Aw, that's so nasty.

Now...

♪ For a show, you need a cast ♪

♪ and Faye needs one
pretty fast ♪

♪ the director says,
"why don't we use the crew?" ♪

♪ Faye replies,
"that's just the thing" ♪

♪ "does anyone here sing?" ♪

♪ and a cabin boy named Johnny
says, "I do!" ♪

♪ the future's bright ♪

♪ the end's in sight ♪

♪ it's opening night and
everything will be all right ♪

Right?

Wrong.

♪ The banker's on his toes ♪

♪ he threatens to foreclose ♪

♪ they've got to have a hit ♪

♪ it's do or die ♪

♪ they're about to go
on the suwanee ♪

♪ when they find out
something's funny ♪

♪ that the cabin boy
named Johnny ♪

♪ is the banker's
long-lost Sonny ♪

♪ looks like Johnny's
not a singer ♪

♪ he's a spy ♪

♪ ah, but Johnny's hopping mad ♪

♪ he said,
"I ran away from dad, ♪

♪ I just got to sing
to prove I am a star" ♪

♪ he says,
"I ain't gonna quit" ♪

♪ so they let him do his bit ♪

♪ and the show becomes a hit,
and there you are ♪

♪ the showgirl saves the ship
with the show ♪

♪ the banker gets his son back,
gives Faye back all her dough ♪

♪ the director shows his art ♪

♪ little Johnny gets a start ♪

♪ it's got magic,
it's got music ♪

♪ it's got hokum,
it's got heart ♪

♪ it's got genius ♪

♪ all it takes is genius ♪

♪ got to have pizzazz ♪

♪ all the kind yours truly has ♪

♪ more than just the teeniest
little bit of genius ♪

♪ don't speak to me
of Spielberg, bah ♪

♪ or Lucas or coppola ♪

♪ it doesn't take a genius
to see ♪

♪ all it takes is ♪

Ah!

♪♪

♪ all it takes is moi ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

[ Knock on door ]

Come in.

Vicki...

I have something
that might cheer you up.

Johnny wants you
to have this.

Great, his picture.

Maybe I can shred it up and use
it confetti on our next sailing.

I know you're upset because
he was rude to you last night.

Dad, it doesn't matter.

Judging by your behavior,
I think it does.

Honey, his mother told me
that this is the first time

he's acted in a movie

and he's very nervous
about that.

You can understand that,
can't you?

I don't know.
I guess so.

Now, I bet if you gave him
another chance,

you'd find out
he's a very nice young man.

I know his mother's
a nice woman.

Dad, are you doing this because
Johnny's such a nice young man

or because his mother's
such a nice woman?

Well...

A little of both.

[ Chuckles lightly ]

♪♪

[ Indistinct conversations ]

I refuse to wear this dress
in the movie.

This dress is ghastly.

Isn't this dress ghastly?

You're absolutely right,
Ms. Marsh.

This dress is ghastly.

Faye, that dress
is perfect for you.

Gee, on the other hand, you
know, ghastly is in this year.

Faye,
why don't you get some sleep?

We start sh**ting tomorrow.

Besides, you loved that dress
just last week.

Well, maybe you're right.

This is the perfect dress
for a ship.

Use it to swab the deck.

You know why she's dumping on us
like this, don't you?

It's because her boyfriend
dumped her.

We'd better find her
a new boyfriend, and quick.

Wait!
We're at sea.

Why don't we fix her up
with a shark?

Shut up, Arnold.

Shut up, Arnold.

You remember
the last picture?

I'm going a little crazy
with this.

You got to keep your cool,
Bennett.

Keep my cool?

How much longer do I have
to put up with this woman?

-You don't have to put up...
-Ex -- excuse me?

Could I ask you guys
a small favor?

Well, what is it, doc?

We're kind of in the middle
of discussing

a little problem
right now.

Well, when -- when you
get a spare minute would you

introduce me to Faye marsh?

You have to understand that Faye
is very, very dear to us.

-Very dear.
-Oh, sure.

And we kind of hate to --

hate to bother her
when her schedule is so busy.

Mm-hmm.

Bennett,
what -- what do you think?

Oh, Marty, I mean --

I mean, it is the doc.

-Well...
-Mm, yes.

Maybe we could see
what we could do.

I appreciate that.

Now, about the script...

-Oh, Faye!
-Faye, Faye...

This -- this --
this is Dr. Adam bricker.

He's a terrific guy
in a wonderful position.

He's just dying
to meet you.

Oh, hello, doctor.
It's a pleasure.

Oh, the pleasure's all mine,
Ms. Marsh.

I've never missed
one of your pictures.

Oh, you haven't?

Not a one.

I think you're the screen's
most glamorous woman,

even more glamorous
in person,

if you don't mind
my saying so.

Oh, I don't mind at all.

I know you're very busy,

but I was wondering
if you might have some free time

tomorrow, maybe we could get
together for a drink?

I have some free time
right now.

Now?

Now is even better.

You know, uh,
I think the doctor

is just
what the doctor ordered.

♪♪

Ladies and gentlemen,
the movie "dreamboat"

will begin sh**ting today.

Those of you who wish
to volunteer as extras

in the background are welcome.

Who knows,
at the next academy awards,

one of our passengers
may win an Oscar

for best passenger
in the background.

Have fun.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

All right, everybody.

Today is the first day
of sh**ting.

We've got a great show,
a great cast,

and from what I hear,

a great, great director.

[ Laughs forcefully ]

All right, Johnny, look.

We're gonna start
with your scene, uh, scene .

That's where you're trying
to get a part in the show.

-Right.
-Okay.

All right.
Places, everybody.

Roll 'em.

Take your time.

Action.

I know I'm just a cabin boy,

but tell her I can sing,
I can dance,

I can be in her show,

and I can help her
save her ship.

Uh, cut, cut, cut.
Uh, relax.

That's nice, Johnny.
That's very nice.

But remember you -- you --
you're begging for this part.

I mean, you want this part
in the show.

It means everything
to you.

You got to act like
you really want the part.

I thought I was acting
like I really wanted it.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, well,
act like you want it just

a little bit more,
all right?

-Okay.
-Okay.

Okay, uh, Arnold?

Quiet on the set,
please.

Ready when you are, bb.

Bennett:
All right. Roll 'em.

All right, Johnny.
Want it.

Action.

I know I'm just a cabin boy,

but tell her I can dance,
I mean, I can sing,

uh, I can't do it, guys.

Dang it.
-It's all right.

It's all right.

No, take a break, everybody.
Take five.

All right, take five.

That's five, not seven,
not eight, not nine, but five.

Excuse me, Johnny.
Uh, Bennett, let me talk to you.

Oh.

Johnny!

Thanks for the picture
you gave me.

Can't you see
that I'm busy?

Why do you keep
bugging me?

Don't worry.
It won't happen again.

Hello, Angela.

I was hoping I'd get a chance
to see you before dinner.

Oh, hello, merrill.

Uh, merrill, Vicki seems to be
upsetting Johnny,

and I -- I think it would be
better if you told her to,

well, stay away from him
for a while.

Listen, Angela,
I know Vicki.

She wouldn't do anything
to bother your son.

Oh, don't take it
personally.

Johnny's pestered by young girls
all the time.

So now my daughter's
a pest?

I didn't mean it
that way,

but the last thing
Johnny needs right now

is to be annoyed.
Excuse me.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

No, don't --
not in front of the kids.

Let's talk outside.

-I'm talkin' out here.
-All right.

You made a big mistake
going with Johnny lovett.

Marty,
he's gonna be fine.

I'll get a great performance
out of this kid.

Well,
make me believe it.

Trust me.

Bennett, the one thing that
I do not trust at this moment

is a director
who says, "trust me."

Marty,
how can you say that to me?

Marty, it's gonna be fine.
-Okay. There they are.

Oh, uh, ooh,
shelley, okay.

Uh, give it all you got.

Knock 'em dead.

Bennett, I can say that
because I don't believe...

♪ Gee, it's all fine and dandy ♪

...one word the kid's saying.

He's nervous!

♪ Sugar, candy,
when I've got you ♪

Well, help
put his nerves into --

♪ then I only see
the sunny side ♪

Marty, it's the first time
he's ever done anything.

You've got to pull
something real out of him.

♪ Even trouble has
its funny side ♪

We'll talk about this later.

No, no.
We're gonna talk about this now.

I don't want
to talk about it now.

We've got to
talk about it now, Bennett.

They hated me.

No, they didn't.
They didn't even notice you.

Shelley,
what gopher meant is

it takes time for big sh*ts
to notice unknowns.

Let's face it, guys.
I'm never gonna get discovered.

This is impossible.

Aw, shelley...

♪ Nothing's impossible,
I have found ♪

♪ for when my chin
is on the ground ♪

♪ I pick myself up,
dust myself off ♪

♪ start all over again ♪

♪ don't lose your confidence
if you slip ♪

♪ be grateful
for a pleasant trip ♪

♪ and pick yourself up ♪

♪ dust yourself off ♪

♪ start all over again ♪

♪ work like a soul inspired ♪

♪ 'till the battle
of the day is done ♪

♪ you may be sick
and tired ♪

♪ but you'll be a man,
my son ♪

♪ will you remember
the famous men ♪

♪ who had to fall
to rise again ♪

♪ so take a deep breath ♪

♪ pick yourself up ♪

♪ dust yourself off ♪

♪ and start all over again ♪

♪♪

♪ I'll get some self-assurance
if your endurance is long ♪

♪ I'll learn by easy stages ♪

♪ if you're courageous
and strong ♪

♪ to feel the strength
I want to ♪

♪ I must hang onto your hand ♪

♪ maybe if you both
will need me ♪

♪ I'll convince them
that they need me ♪

♪ won't that be grand? ♪

Hey!

Whoo!

♪ Will you remember
the famous men ♪

♪ who had to fall
to rise again ♪

♪ so take a deep breath ♪

♪ pick yourself up ♪

♪ dust yourself off ♪

♪ and start all over
aga-a-a-a-a-in ♪

♪♪

Oh, merrill!

I came
to take you to dinner.

Oh, I wasn't sure
we were still on for tonight.

Absolutely.

You know, when I was
in officer's training school,

they taught me two things.

The first
was celestial navigation.

The second was never stand up
a beautiful lady.

Well, I bet you graduated
at the head of your class.

I'm, uh, sorry I got a little
carried away before.

Forgive me?

Forgiveness was the third thing
they taught me.

♪♪

Oh, I'm sorry.

You're the one
who doesn't want to be bothered.

Vicki, Vicki, wait.

Don't go.

Look, I've been acting
like a jerk.

It's okay.

No, no.
It's not okay.

Its just,
this acting, it --

it's making me crazy,

and I -- I guess I've been
taking it out on you.

I'm just not an actor.
I'm a singer.

But I've seen you act
in your videos and you're great.

It's not acting.

When I have a guitar
in my hands, I'm singing,

the feeling
just takes over.

It's a whole
different thing.

This is what I do.

♪♪

♪ what goes up must come down ♪

♪ a spinning wheel all around ♪

♪ you're talkin'
'bout your troubles ♪

♪ it's a cryin' sin ♪

♪ ride a painted pony ♪

♪ let the spinning wheel spin ♪

♪ you got no money
and you and you got no home ♪

♪ a spinning wheel, all alone ♪

♪ talkin' 'bout your troubles ♪

♪ and you never learn ♪

♪ ride a painted pony ♪

♪ let the spinning wheel turn ♪

♪ I left a good job
in the city ♪

♪ oh, working for the man
every night and day ♪

♪ but I never lost one minute
of sleeping ♪

♪ worrying 'bout the way things
might have been ♪

♪ big wheel keep on turning ♪

♪ proud Mary keep on burning ♪

♪ I said rolling, oh, rolling, ♪

♪ rolling on the river ♪

♪ oh, rolling ♪

♪ oh, rolling ♪

♪ rolling on the river ♪

You got it.

♪ I left a good job
in the city ♪

♪ oh, working for the man
every night and day ♪

♪ but I never saw the good side
of a city ♪

♪ until I hitched a ride
on the riverboat queen ♪

♪ big wheel keep on turnin' ♪

♪ oh, proud Mary
keep on burnin' ♪

♪ I said rollin', oh, rollin', ♪

♪ rollin' on the river ♪

♪ tell me, rolling,
oh, rolling ♪

♪ rolling on the river ♪

♪ oh, rolling, oh, rolling ♪

♪ rolling on the river ♪

♪ oh, rolling, oh, rolling ♪

♪ rolling on the river ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

Johnny, what was great.

If you can do that,
you can do anything!

Yeah, maybe even act.

And I think I'll start
by acting nicer to you.

Attention, please.
Main seating dinner

is now being served
in the coral dining room.

Angela,
if you haven't decided yet,

may I suggest
the captain's special?

He certainly is.

Oh, I'd like to thank you guys

for introducing me
to Faye marsh.

She's really
a spectacular lady.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, it, uh,
couldn't happen to a nicer guy.

Absolutely, doc.

Oh, uh, speaking of terrific
ladies, doc, uh, where's Julie?

Uh, I mean, doesn't she usually
sit at the captain's table?

Sure.
She'll be along soon.

The question is
how can I arrange for Julie

to be around me enough
to get to know me?

That's your problem.

Thanks a lot.

Well, uh, how is filming
going, gentlemen?

Oh, perfect.
Just perfect.

It, uh, no, uh, no, no.

I mean,
not exactly perfect.

No, not exactly perfect,

no.
I -- it -- the, uh, well,

there's, uh,
some production problems...

Yes.
That we've been having,

and as a matter of fact,
I'm getting lost,

I mean,
on the ship quite a bit,

and I was wondering if you could
assign a member of your staff

to assist me.
-Of course.

Uh, how about my daughter,
Vicki?

Well, the hours
may be just too...

Too late.
For a young girl.

You're probably right.

How about gopher?

Good, good.

Gopher would be fine.

Well, actually, not,
captain.

You see, I need someone to go
into the ladies' dressing room.

I'd sacrifice myself
for the good of the picture.

[ Laughs ]

Forget it, Adam, forget it.

Well, there's Julie.

Julie, yes.

Oh, I hadn't thought
of Julie.

I suppose that's -- that's not
a bad suggestion, captain.

Yes, actually, it's...

Julie would be great.

Julie would be great
for what?

Well, Mr. Chenault
needs an assistant

with his motion picture details
and I suggested you.

Oh.

It's strictly business.

I mean, uh,
strictly business.

Do you really think
this is going to work?

Hey, trust.

So, shelley, what are you going
to have for dinner?

Uh...
[ Clears throat ]

♪ First I'll have
the fried zucchini ♪

♪ with the scaloppine
sautéed in the vino ♪

♪ then the cappuccino ♪

♪ or oysters rockefeller ♪

♪ makes me feel
so mellow ♪

♪ with a cabernet
to wash it down ♪

All: Hey!

♪ Spiced tomatoes,
sweet potatoes ♪

♪ pumpkin pie
and Irish stew ♪

♪ salmon steak
and chocolate cake ♪

♪ with maybe just a touch
of ice -- ♪

Oh second thought,
I'm on a diet.

♪♪

[ Song ends ]

[ Applause ]

A toast to new friends.

May we never let
our children's squabbles

get in the way
of our friendship again.

Angela,
it's really a shame.

Here we are
becoming good friends

and our kids
still don't get along.

I know.

All they do is fight.

You know, I guess it's up to us
to straighten them out.

-Hi, mom.
-Hi, dad.

♪♪

Both: Ah.

Ladies and gentlemen,
as you know,

we have been sh**ting a movie
aboard this most fabulous ship,

and we do hope you've enjoyed,
uh, watching us work.

But now,
we're gonna put you to work.

We're gonna ask you to be a part
of this musical number.

Woman: Whoo!

Bennett: All we want you to do
is just relax,

enjoy yourself, act normal.

Uh, but whatever you do,
please,

do not look
into that lens, please.

Is everything ready?

Yes, sir.

Quiet on the set,
please!

Ready anytime you are,
bb.

Light it!

Roll 'em!

And action!

♪♪

♪ Hot ♪

♪ it's too hot ♪

♪ too hot ♪

♪ it's much too hot ♪

♪ much too hot ♪

♪ it's much too darn hot ♪

♪ it's too darn hot ♪

♪ Hot ♪

♪ it's too hot ♪

♪ too hot ♪

♪ it's much too hot ♪

♪ much too hot ♪

♪ it's much too darn hot ♪

♪ it's too darn hot ♪

♪ they're havin' a heat wave ♪

♪ it's too darn hot ♪

♪ a tropical heat wave ♪

It's so hot

♪ the temperature's rising ♪

♪ it isn't surprising ♪

♪ she certainly can
do the can-can ♪

♪ it's too darn hot ♪

♪♪

♪ I started the heat wave ♪

♪ it's hot,
it's so darn hot ♪

♪ by letting my seat wave ♪

♪ that's too hot ♪

♪ and in such a way
that the customers say that ♪

♪ she certainly can
do the can-can ♪

♪ it's too darn hot ♪

♪ gee, my anatomy ♪

♪ made the Mercury
climb to ♪

♪ too hot ♪

♪ we're havin' a heat wave ♪

♪ a tropical heat wave ♪

♪ and when she moves
that thermometer proves that ♪

♪ I certainly can ♪

How hot is it?

♪ It's so hot the weatherman
says a record has been made ♪

♪ but how hot is it? ♪

♪ It's so hot you get a tan
while lyin' in the shade ♪

♪ yeah, but how hot is it? ♪

♪ It's so hot the coldest maiden
feels warm as a bride ♪

♪ so how hot is it? ♪

♪ It's so hot a chicken
laid an egg on the street ♪

♪ and it fried ♪

♪♪

♪ Too darn hot ♪

♪ it's too darn hot ♪

♪ too darn hot ♪

♪ it's just too darn hot ♪

♪ too hot ♪

♪ it's so hot
you'll get a tan ♪

♪ while you're lyin'
in the shade ♪

♪ we're having a heat wave ♪

♪ a tropical heat wave ♪

♪ and when she moves ♪

♪ that thermometer proves that ♪

♪ she certainly can
do the can-can ♪

♪ it's too darn hot ♪

[ Cheers and applause

ladies and gentlemen,
the filming of "dreamboat"

is finished for today,
so get a good night's sleep.

Tomorrow may be your day
to be a star.

[ Elevator bell dings ]

We're on.

Are you the famous film
director, Mr. Bennett barton?

Yes, I'm afraid so.

What happened?
Why'd we stop like that?

Oh, these elevators, sometimes
they get stuck like that.

Why don't you press
the alarm button?

-'Cause it's broken.
-It's broken?

But don't worry, these elevators
fix themselves

in just, oh,
a couple of minutes.

Well, since we're here,

we might as well make the best
of a bad situation.

Shelley,
why don't you entertain us?

Oh, but how
could I do that?

I -- I -- I
don't have any music.

I just happen to have
a kazoo right here.

What a treat.
[ Clears throat ]

[ Kazoo playing ]

[ All vocalizing melody ]

Hey! Hey, hey, uh,

why are the walls
closing in like this?

Uh, it's not
that I have claustrophobia,

it's just that I can't breathe.

Somebody let me out of here!
I can't breathe!

[ Screaming ]

[ Elevator bell dings ]

Open.

Thank you.

Oh, [ Sighs ]

You know, um, I didn't win
that academy award for nothing.

Ciao.

♪♪

It's a beautiful night,
isn't it?

I want to thank you.

Thank me?
For what?

Well, since you're helping me
coordinate things for the movie,

i thought you arranged
for the moon and everything.

Well,
I did put in a call

but nobody answered,
so I left a message

on the machine.

Mm.

Well, Julie, I don't know
if you intend to or not,

but you're leaving a message
on my machine.

The message says,
"think about Julie.

Think about Julie."

Well,
it's getting pretty late

and I have to get up early.

I'll walk you
to your cabin.

Do you...

Do you get any message
from me?

Oh, I like you, Marty.

I really like you
a lot, but...

♪ Life is in perfect order ♪

♪ with you on my arm ♪

♪ it makes
my shoulders broader ♪

♪ with you on my arm ♪

♪ even when things won't gel ♪

♪ and the pieces won't fit ♪

♪ I'm suddenly in ♪

♪ I'm suddenly on ♪

♪ I'm suddenly it ♪

♪ who else can make me feel
like I'm handsome and tall? ♪

♪ Who else can make me feel
I'm on top of it all? ♪

♪ We start a conflagration
that's cause for alarm ♪

♪ we're settin' off bells ♪

♪ we're givin' off sparks ♪

♪ whenever it's you
on my arm ♪

♪ life is a celebration ♪

♪ with you on my arm ♪

♪ walking's a new sensation ♪

♪ with you on my arm ♪

♪ each time I face
a morning ♪

♪ that's boring and bland ♪

♪ with you it looks good ♪

♪ with you it looks great ♪

♪ with you it looks grand ♪

Good night.

♪♪

♪ I found a combination ♪

♪ that works like a charm ♪

♪ I'm simply a man ♪

♪ who walks on the stars ♪

♪ whenever it's you
on my arm ♪

Good night.

Good night.

Oh, Adam.

I can't believe
I've met a man like you.

-Oh.
-You know, I don't think

I've ever been this happy,
except maybe

when I was with Robert.

Oh?

Which one of your husbands
was Robert?

Oh, Robert
wasn't one my husbands.

I was never happy
with any of my husbands.

No, Robert was a character
I played opposite

in "retreat from the dawn."

Oh.

Were you in love with the actor
who played Robert?

Oh, no.
I couldn't stand that fool.

He kept trying to get
into my close-ups,

but I adored the character
he played.

Come here, Faye.

Oh, Adam,

you kiss just like Robert.

I know. I saw "retreat from
the dawn" three times.

[ Both laugh ]

Good morning, passengers.

We are now serving
our delicious breakfast buffet

on the starlight deck.

Doc!

-Hey, Vicki.
-Hi.

Can I talk to you
for a minute?

Well, sure.
What can I do for you?

I came down to your office
before.

I thought maybe
you could give me something.

Well, what's the matter?
Aren't you feeling well?

Well, I don't know.
It's weird.

I don't feel bad really,
I...I don't know,

I-I just feel funny.

Well, you don't have
a fever.

Any specific symptoms?

♪ I hear singing and... ♪

♪ Well,
there's no one there ♪

♪ I smell blossoms
and the trees are bare ♪

Trees on a ship?

♪ All day long
I seem to walk on air ♪

♪ I wonder why ♪

♪ I wonder why ♪

♪ I keep tossing in my sleep
at night ♪

Restless...

♪ And what's more ♪

♪ I've lost my appetite ♪

You?

♪ Stars that used
to twinkle in the skies ♪

♪ are twinkling in my eyes ♪

♪ I wonder why ♪

♪ you don't need analyzing ♪

♪ it is not so surprising ♪

♪ that you see
twinkling stars above ♪

♪ there is nothing
you can take ♪

♪ to relieve
that pleasant ache ♪

♪ you're not sick ♪

♪ you're just in love ♪

Are you sure?
I mean...

♪ You don't need analyzing ♪

♪ I hear singing ♪

♪ and there's no one there ♪

♪ and it's not so surprising ♪

♪ I smell blossoms ♪

♪ that you feel so strange ♪

♪ and the trees are bare ♪

♪ but nice ♪

♪ your heart goes
pitter-patter ♪

♪ all day long ♪

♪ I seem to walk on air ♪

♪ I know just
what's the matter ♪

♪ I wonder why ♪

♪ because I've been there ♪

♪ once or twice ♪

♪ I wonder why ♪

♪ put your head
on my shoulder ♪

♪ I keep tossing in my sleep ♪

♪ at night ♪

♪ you need someone
who's older ♪

♪ you've come down
with a bout ♪

♪ and what's more ♪

♪ of love ♪

♪ I've lost my appetite ♪

♪ there is nothing
you can do ♪

♪ stars that used to twinkle ♪

♪ in the sky ♪

♪ to relieve
that pleasant ache ♪

♪ are twinklin' in my eye ♪

♪ you're not sick,
you're just ♪

♪ I wonder why ♪

♪ you're just in love ♪

Trees?

♪♪

♪♪
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