08x18 - Love on the Line/Don't Call Me Gopher/Her Honor, the Mayor

[bunniefuu]

[Music - Jack Jones, "the love
boat theme"]

Love, exciting and new.

Come aboard.

We're expecting you.

And love, life's
sweetest reward.

Let it flow.

It floats back to you.

Love boat soon will
making another run.

The love boat promises
something for everyone.

Set a course for adventure,
your mind on a new romance.

Yes, love won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile
on a friendly shore.

It's love.

Welcome aboard.

It's love.

[Music playing]

I'm stockton.

Cabin?

Uh, let's see.

Mr. Stockton-- that is
promenade deck, cabin .

Thank you.

And I'm Judy McCoy,
the cruise director.

Now, if there's anything
you'd like to know

about the ship's activities--

I didn't come on for that.

I've got enough work here to
keep me busy for two cruises.

I'm here to get away from
phone calls and distractions.

Moving the office
to the high seas?

You said promenade ?

Yes, sir.

Let's see, miss banes.

You are on the
fiesta deck, cabin--

oh, Mr. Stockton?

Yes?

I believe these belong to you.

Well, these are
my tranquilizers.

Where the devil did you--

You know, doc, I
haven't seen gopher

this excited about seeing
a lady in a long time.

Is she here yet?

No, but we're just
getting ready to send

out a search party.

[Laughs]

What's with you?

Ok.

All right.

I admit, I am a
little overanxious

about Janet coming on board.

I just don't want
anything to go wrong.

Hey, relax, gopher.

Nothing's going to go wrong.

Ah.

That can go wrong, right there.

What that?

What, what, what?

Don't call me gopher.

Janet is a big time
advertising executive.

She only knows me
by my real name.

So call me burl, all right?

Not gopher.

You got it.

Whatever you want, buddy.

Janet!

Burl!

Oh!

[Laughs] Burl.

I've been counting the days.

Oh, you got off easy.

I was counting the seconds--

million of them.

Janet, I would like you to
meet my two best friends Isaac

Washington and Adam bricker.

Nice to meet you.

Janet: How do you do?

Hi.

Burl has, uh, told
us all about you.

Well, not everything, I hope.

Oh, uh, that's my luggage.

Excuse me a moment.

Hey, she seems real nice.

Mm-hmm.

You, uh, notice how
I called you, uh, burl?

Yeah.

If my man wants to be known
as burl, then burl it is.

All right.

All right, gopher.

Wait a minute.

Just please be
careful, all right?

Please?

Please?

Thank you.

I'm so used to
calling him gopher.

Yeah, I know.

Telling us to call him burl is
like your mother saying to you

on your th birthday,
ok, from now on,

I want you to call me Chuck.

- Excuse me?
- Yes?

I'm Barry singer.

We talked on the phone.

Oh, yes, Mr. Singer.

We've been expecting you.

I'd like you to meet
mayor Frances Hardy.

Congratulations on the
election, madam mayor.

Oh, thank you.

It was close.

The Lincoln-Douglas
debates were close too.

But honest Abe went
on to become one

of our most revered presidents.

I was just elected mayor, and
he already has me president.

Now you know why he's
my campaign manager.

The only thing Lincoln
had on this beautiful lady

was a few inches in height.

But she wears cuter hats.

[Laughter]

Well, anyhow, it's an honor to
have you on board, your honor.

Oh, thank you.

What a charming thing to say.

Is she old enough to vote?
- Ah.

Touche.

Excuse me, captain.

May I get a picture of all
of you with mayor Hardy?

Would you mind?

Of course she wouldn't mind.

Getting her picture
taken is part

of what politics is all about.

Oh, I thought it was
about serious issues,

like shaking hands
and kissing babies.

[Laughs]

All right.

Here we go.

Big smile.

No, that's it.

Great.

Thank you.
Enjoy your cruise.

Thank you.

- Well, we'll see you around.
- All right.

Enjoy the cruise.

Thank you.

Have fun.

Thank you.

Oh!

I am so sorry.

I-- Phil Haines?

I thought you'd be in
hiding since the election.

No, just a little vacation.

Then I'll be getting
ready to put the city back

together, after her honor plays
mayor for the next few years.

Oh, I like good loser.

I wouldn't have
lost if it hadn't been

for you and your dirty tricks.

Our dirty tricks?

You're the one who tried to
sell the voters a bill of goods.

But it didn't work.

And we won.

[Horn blowing]

[Music playing]

Are you sure I can't
see you until tonight?

Even for a few minutes?

I'm sorry.

I'm on duty, love.

After all, I am the
purser around here.

Well, I don't really
understand what a purser does.

Oh, well, the purser is
an incredibly important job.

He's in charge of almost
everything on the ship.

I'm just like the captain,
except I don't steer

and I don't go down with the
ship, which are two things

I'm not crazy about anyway.

So I'll pick you up just
before dinner, all right?

All right.

And don't talk
to any strange men.

You'll be the only
strange man I talk to.

Hello.

Hi, gopher.

I was just telling Isaac how
pretty I think your friend is.

Thank you, Judy.

But please, from now on,
don't call me gopher.

Didn't you tell her about this?

What do you mean tell her?

You didn't tell me to tell her!

Why don't you want
to be called gopher?

Because of Janet.

It is not just
because of Janet.

It's because i'm
a grown man and I

want to be called but a grown
man's name, like Isaac or Judy.

Fine.

I'll call you whatever
you want to be called.

All of us will, goph.

Isaac!

Don't call me goph!

Boy, I've never
seen gopher so upset!

[Gasps] You-- you
said that word again!

You don't really believe
that Phil Haines is on the ship

for vacation, do you?

People do take vacations.

I just wish he hadn't
picked the same ship.

Mayor Hardy!

We just saw the
picture ace took of us,

so I'll make sure
you get some copies.

Oh.

Oh, would you
autograph a copy for me?

I'd be delighted.

You know, it is such a
thrill to meet a lady mayor.

[Laughs] We are rare.

But I hope you'll be
meeting more of us soon.

I hope so.

And I hope they're all
up to your standards.

Thanks.

Goodbye.

Have a nice day.

Thank you.

I better get some copies
of that picture from ace.

I can send to the news magazines
when we get to puerto vallarta.

Barry, relax.

We don't get to puerto
vallarta until tomorrow.

You're right.

I'll walk slowly.

Barry.

Hi.

Hello.

I just wanted to
say I'm sorry for what

happened when we boarded.

Fine.

What I mean is,
you're the mayor

and I'm the president
of the city council.

Now, that means we're going
to be working together.

So i-- I think we
should Bury the hatchet.

You know, sort of
a burial at sea.

It takes two to make a scene--

or in this case, three.

So I apologize too.

Accepted.

And I do wish you
good luck as mayor.

Thank you.

Maybe now that we're not
running against each other,

we can be friends.

Oh, then why don't we
find out over dinner?

All right.

If you think you and Barry
can behave yourselves.

Well, I don't
know about Barry,

but, uh, I never misbehave--

until after dinner.

See you later.

Uh, excuse me.

Oh, it's you, Mr. Stockton.

Who are you?

Shall we go
somewhere and chat?

I don't want to chat.

I want to know who you are and
how you got my tranquilizers.

I'm sorry.

I'm Marcy banes.

Marcy banes.

I don't know any Marcy banes.

Do I?

I don't know.

Do you?

Now, look, miss banes, i'm
beginning to lose my Patience.

I want to know how you
got my tranquilizers.

Shall we discuss
it over dinner?

I don't have
time to play games!

I have work to do!

Nice meeting you.

Um, would you do me
the honor of having

dinner with me tonight?

How sweet of you
to think of it.

I'd love to.

Man (over intercom):
Attention please.

Main seating dinner
is now being served

in the coral dining room.

Champagne, Barry?

Mm-hmm.

Are we still
celebrating my election?

I'm hoping we'll
have something even

more important to celebrate.

Frances, you know,
we've been working

very closely these
last few months,

and I've grown very fond of you.

Oh, I've grown very
fond of you too, Barry.

I think we make
a very good team.

Oh, I think we make a good
team in other ways as well.

And not just as campaign
manager and candidate,

but as man and woman.

Barry--

I know this is
something new, but would

you please think about it?

Good evening,
your honor, Barry.

Who-- who invited you?

I did.

Hm, champagne.

What are we celebrating?

Nothing-- nothing
that concerns you.

I'll drink to that.

Cheers.

Well, miss banes.

Marcy.

Very well, Marcy.

You said you wanted
to have dinner.

Now once and for all,
I want to know where

you found my tranquilizers.

Yes, of course.

But why don't we order first?

Everything looks so delicious.

I know what I want.

A bourbon and
soda, lobster bisque,

a dinner salad with
roquefort dressing,

and the New York
steak medium rare.

How did you know I always
have that for dinner?

Well, you look like a man who
would order a bourbon and soda,

lobster bisque, a dinner
salad with roquefort dressing,

and a New York
steak, medium rare.

Do I?

Yes, you do.

Why not try ordering something
different for a change?

Or are you too set in your ways?

I can order anything I
want, whenever I want to.

I'll have the thousand
island dressing

instead of the roquefort.

How adventurous and marvelous.

Tonight, thousand
island dressing.

Next thing you know, you'll
be cliff diving in acapulco.

You know, you have a great
knack for changing the subject.

Where did you find
my tranquilizers?

Oh, you dropped them on the
gangway when you came aboard.

Well, why didn't you tell
me that in the first place?

If I had, you wouldn't
have invited me to dinner.

[Chuckles]

Uh-oh, here they come.

So remember to call him burl.

Burl.

Evening.

Ah, good evening.

Hello.

You look lovely this evening.

Thank you.

Hi.

So how's it going, burl?

Just fine, doc.

Thank you.

Uh, burl?

Yes?

Would you pass
me the croissants?

Oh, I'm closer to the
croissants than burl is.

Here you go.

Vicki: Thank you.

Uh, so Janet, how long
have you known burl?

Oh, well, not for very long.

But the important thing
is, I'm planning on getting

to know him for a lifetime.

That's a start, isn't it?

[Chuckles]

Good evening, everybody.

Evening, captain.

Hi, captain.

Sir, I'd like to
introduce Janet Thompson.

Oh, how do you
do, miss Thompson?

How do you do?

When gopher said
you were lovely,

he certainly didn't exaggerate.

Well, thank you very much.

You're welcome.

Ah, what's good tonight?

Who's gopher?

Gopher is, uh, my assistant.

And he's nice.

But he never comes
out of his cabin.

With a name like gopher,
can you hardly blame him?

No.

You're a wonderful dancer.

[Chuckles] You're
a wonderful liar.

I haven't danced
in over years.

I know.

When other men were out dancing,
you were out making a fortune.

Exactly.

That's why, today, if
I want to, I can buy

a whole chain of dance studios.

Oh, I'm sorry.

[Chuckles] It
wouldn't be a bad idea.

No.

[Laughs]

You know, they're right.

Politics makes
strange bedfellows.

Hold it, Phil.

I think we better
stick to dancing.

I didn't mean that.

[Laughs] Now I know
why you b*at me.

You made the voters think I
was saying things I wasn't.

Do you really believe that?

I'll tell you
what I believe now.

If you'd have been dancing
with me in the voting booth,

I'd have voted for you over me.

You know, I don't think Barry
appreciates the two of us

together like this.

Barry means well.

He's just very protective of me.

Oh, well, in that case,
he can't be all bad.

Just mostly.

Remember this afternoon when
I asked you what a purser does?

Uh-huh.

Well, now I know
what a purser does.

What?

He makes all the ladies feel
like dancing and like holding

him close all night long.

Oh, I'm sorry, gopher.

Uh, oh, it's you, burl!

Uh, burl, in this light,
I thought you were gopher!

[Laughs]

Burl?

Why did the doc
think you were gopher?

Oh, it's like I told
you, gopher hardly

ever comes out of
his cabin, so nobody

knows what he looks like.

Gopher.

[Laughs] Poor guy.

Mr. Stockton asked
me to tell you that he

would be down in a minute.

Oh, thank you, Judy.

You know, he
sounded so cheerful.

You must be working
wonders on him.

You think so?

Oh, I know so.

He is, uh-- well, he doesn't
seem to be the kind of man who

takes to new people so quickly.

Well, I don't think
he'd take to me so

quickly if he knew the truth.

The truth?

I didn't meet him for the
first time on this ship.

I've known him for years.

I'm the switchboard
operator in his office.

Hardly the same social standing
as the chairman of the board.

[Music playing]

[Humming]

[Gasps] There's
a man in my cabin.

[Giggles] I think it is.

[Knocking]

[Knocking]

You better answer that.

Mm.

[Sighs]

Oh, hi, Janet.

Hi.

Um, is burl here?

Janet: Yes.

Come on in.

Um, Mr. Hamilton needs to get
into his safety deposit box.

And it seems like
it's an emergency.

Yeah, if you give us the
keys, we'll take care of it,

and you won't have to bother.

All right.

Ok, yeah.

Hamilton is this one.

Here.
- Ok.

I'll give get this
right back to you, ok?

Uh, tomorrow
morning will be fine.

Right.

Oh, yeah!

Uh, see you in the
morning, gopher!

I told you to come in
for a complete physical!

His eyes are going.

He thinks you're gopher!

Yeah, uh, well, good
night, whoever you are.

[Laughs nervously]

Uh, burl?

All right.

Ok.

My real name is burl, but my
friends have always called me--

gopher.

It's a silly name.

I know, silly.

No, no.

I don't think it's silly at all.

It's not a silly name.

Ok.

Mm-mm.

Then where were we?

[Giggles]

What's the matter?

Tickle.

Ok.

[Laughs]

What, are you laughing
my name now, or what?

No.

Um, what name?

[Chuckles]

[Laughs] Gopher!

I'm really sorry, burl.

I guess I just never thought
I'd be kissing a gopher!

Good night.

Oh, god, gopher--

I mean burl.

Burl, I'm sorry!

Oh.

[Giggles]

You know, it must
be ages since I

took time to look at the stars.

[Chuckles] Do they
still have a milky way?

Yes, they do.

Some things in
the universe go on

without your personal attention.

[Chuckles] Oh, Marcy, I
don't know how to thank you.

For what?

You opened my eyes to things I
haven't seen it done in years--

dancing, now the stars.

And don't forget
thousand island dressing.

Oh, I could never forget
thousand island dressing.

John, there's something that
i-- that I have to tell you.

Yes, what is it?

It's that, uh, I'd like
you to kiss me again.

You know, I can't think
of a good reason not to.

What's so funny?

I was just thinking,
the folks back home

would never believe the two
of us together like this.

[Laughs] What did
the newspapers say?

Candidates Frances
Hardy and Phil

Haines, locked in a bitter
struggle to the end.

I'd like to think
we're just beginning.

Perhaps we are.

Now let's begin the struggle
I like to be locked in.

Doc, i-- I hope I
didn't mess gopher up with

Janet by calling him gopher.

Oh, no, you didn't
do it on purpose.

It's, uh, a habit, like
me calling him gopher

when we were all dancing.

Hey, there you are, just
the two guys I'm looking for.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Doing all right?

Hey, hey.

Just great.

Ah.

You remember that
girl, that Janet,

you know, who came on
the cruise with me?

Yeah, sure, yeah.

Ok, well, I'll tell you, one
of the fantasies that I had

was that Janet and I would
come out on this very

same deck right here--

mm.

--And look up and see that
very same full moon up there.

And then we'd go
back to her very

same cabin for a night of--

[giggles]

Yeah, an evening of
thrilling romance, right?

[Giggling]

And it almost came true,
except, thanks to you,

Janet is now in her
cabin by herself,

laughing her head off over
some silly fool named gopher.

Oh, come on, go--

burl.

Isaac didn't mean any harm.

Anybody can make a mistake.

Yeah.

You're right.

And I think I made
one when I thought you

two guys could do
something simple

like call me by my right name.

Ok.

Ok, listen.

We will all knock
ourselves out to remember

not to call you gopher for
the rest of the cruise.

Not for the rest
of the cruise--

for the rest of my life!

I don't want to be
called gopher ever again!

Never call him gopher again?

You know something, Isaac?

Gopher's beginning to
act like a real jerk.

No, gopher's is a nice guy.

Burl is a jerk.

Good morning,
ladies and gentlemen.

Our breakfast
buffet is now being

served on the starlight deck.

Well, mayor Hardy, as
president of the city council,

I hope this is just the first
of many breakfast meetings

together.

I'll second that.

It's funny.

I never thought
of you as a woman,

only as a political opponent.

And now?

Now I like to think
of you as a very

lovely political opponent.

[Chuckles]

Good morning, Mr. Singer.

Oh, hello, captain.

Oh.

Looks like the mayor is putting
politics aside for the moment.

Actually, captain, that
man is Phil Haines, the one

she b*at in the election.

I'd say he's
making a comeback.

Morning, Frances.

Good morning.

Well, actually, it's much
better than a good morning.

It's a lovely morning.

I have some news that may
change your mind about that.

I just got a very
interesting phone call.

Oh?

Do you remember
how we revealed

Phil's secret deal
to lease his downtown

property to those developers?

Yes, of course.

It's how I won the election.

It was a clear
conflict of interest.

I just called the office,
and I found out that he's

going ahead with it anyway.

He can't put an
office complex there.

I promised the people a park.

That's why they elected me.

Well, I guess you'll
just have to talk

to your friend Phil about that.

When we get to
puerto vallarta,

I'm going to buy you
anything you want.

I'll buy the whole town,
wrap it up in a big red bow.

I don't want anything.

Though I would
like a big red bow.

Well, maybe I'll buy this
ship and put a ribbon around it

to remind you of
where we first met.

Although I have a feeling
we met before this cruise.

You do?

Yes, i-- I think we
met in another life.

We probably loved each
other for hundreds of years,

and we have hundreds more to go.

I'm sorry, John.

I can't go into town with you.

This relationship
is all a mistake.

A mistake?

What are you talking about?

Please, John.

It's-- it's just
not going to work.

Woman (over intercom): Buenos
dias, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to
festive puerto luck

vallarta, Mexico's
most colorful resort.

Whether it's basking on
the beach at banderas bay

or shopping for folk art, puerto
vallarta is the soul of Mexico.

I'm really sorry that
I giggled at your name

last night.

That is perfectly all right.

Gopher happens to be
a very funny name.

I'm the first one to admit
it, which is why I don't want

to be called gopher anymore.

Just burl, ok?

Ok.

But I just want you to know
that I think that you're sexy

no matter what your name is.

Thank you.

Gopher.

Yeah, but, you know,
really, though, that's--

that's what I don't
want to be called.

Just burl from now, ok?

You Janet, me burl.

[Chuckles]

Then why don't you take
me back to your cave, burl?

Ah, now you're talking.

[Chuckles]

We're going to
have so much fun--

- mm.
- --Gopher

now-- now, wait.

No.

I told you, you Janet, me burl.

Me Janet, you crazy.

Me alone.

[Knocking]

Hi.

You ready for town?

Hey, if we're going
sightseeing, you better

put on your walking shoes.

No, I think you better
put on your walking shoes.

And what's that
supposed to mean?

I've made a fool of
myself trusting you.

That's what that means.

You've already leased out that
downtown property, haven't you?

Ugh.

I am going to fight you on this,
Phil, you and your greedy land

developers.

Frances, we need those
greedy land developers

to revitalize our city.

And your bank account.

That's not true.

You don't care about
the city or the people,

and certainly not about me.

You're wrong.

And I do care about you.

As much as kickbacks
and paved-over city parks?

I was right to expose you
the day before the election.

And now, I am joining
the voters, Mr. Haines,

and voting no on you.

Last night, we were
kissing in the moonlight.

This morning, she
tells me it's over.

[Chuckles] Is that normal?

One thing I've learned about
love-- it's never normal.

She won't talk to me.

I brought her roses.

She won't even let me in.

Did you ever try putting
roses under a cabin door?

Why is she acting like this?

John, you have to be patient.

I'm sure Marcy will
tell you what's

upsetting her when she's ready.

She said I was missing
life, working so much.

Now, she won't even talk to me.

If this is what love is
about, I'm going back

to working myself to death.

[Sighs] Here.

So he said he was going
to work himself to death.

Some people drink to forget.

I-- I guess John just works.

I had to run away, Judy.

We didn't have a chance.

Well, he thought you did.

Well, that's because
he doesn't know who I am.

Don't you think he's entitled
to know why you ran away?

Well, I can't tell him
that he's fallen in love

with his switchboard operator.

Well, he'd feel like a fool.

Marcy, John is not nothing
to be ashamed of what

you do for a living.

Besides he couldn't feel much
worse than he does right now.

You may not think so now,
but you'll get over it.

The thing that gets me
is that I trusted him.

The one thing you
learn in our business

is, never trust a politician.

Wait a minute.

I'm a politician.

Then watch
yourself like a hawk.

[Chuckles]

[Chuckles]

Oh, Barry.

Oh, what would I do without you?

I hate to think about it.

Hm.

I would like you to
think about something.

What?

What I started to talk
about last night at dinner

when I ordered the champagne.

About our being more than
mayor and campaign manager.

Why not?

We think alike.

We're both in politics.

We'll have a wonderful
life together.

Barry, marriage isn't
like running for mayor.

I know.

I'm trying to promote you
into a lifetime office.

Hi, guys.

Hi.

Hello.

What's wrong?

Are you three still
fighting with gopher?

Gopher or burl
or whatever he's

calling himself at the moment.

You know, if he
can act childish,

we can act childish too.

Yeah.

Hello, Vicki.

Judy, these are for you.

How you doing, sport?

My name is not sport.

Not good sport, anyway.

How about if we
call you pruneface?

Because a pruneface is what
you've been acting like.

Well, if it'll make you
happy to call me pruneface,

then please, call me pruneface.

They're just trying to show
you how silly this whole thing

has become.

Yeah, they're--
they're just doing

it because they're
your friends, gopher.

Now, you're doing it too!

Do you happen to know
what a gopher is?

A gopher is a burrowing
American land tortoise.

Do I remind anybody here of
a burrowing American land

tortoise, or a land
tortoise from any country

for that matter?

Now, either call me burl
or don't call me anything!

[Knocking]

Come in.

John.

Marcy.

I have to talk to you.

Well, that's what I've been
trying to do-- talk to you.

I know.

I, um-- I owe you an
explanation for this morning.

John, you're a dear man.

And the time we've had
together has been wonderful.

But you should know why you and
I together is just impossible.

Nothing is impossible.

Whatever is troubling
you, we can work it out.

Well, I wish it
were that easy.

Close your eyes.

What?

Just close your eyes.

Good evening, Mr. Stockton.

I have your call to Mr.
Gerard in Paris on the line.

Go ahead please.

Marcy.

We may not have
met before, but we've

talked thousands of times.

I'm sorry, John.

[Sighs]

[Knocking]

- You wanted to see me, sir?
- Yes.

Have a seat.

I understand you've
been reacting

rather violently to the way the
crew has been addressing you.

Who told you?

Nobody told me.

I overheard you in
the purser's lobby.

In fact, if I was
standing on shore,

I could still overhear
you in the purser's lobby.

I didn't see you there, sir.

Captain stubing: Nobody did.

I didn't want to embarrass
you by dressing you

down in front of your friends.

What friends?

Ever since I've been
carrying on about my name,

I've got no friends.

I've got no friends.

I've got no girlfriend.

And if you don't stop carrying
on, you'll have no captain.

You're thinking
of leaving, sir?

[Chuckling] No.

I'll be here.

Ah.

Well, sir, it's just that
when I was a kid, I just--

I hated the name burl.

And gopher was all right then.

But now, I'm a mature adult.

Well, how would you like to
go all the way through school

with the name merrill?

I like the name merrill, sir.

That's a great name.

As a matter of fact, when
I was in grade school,

my best friend
was named merrill.

Sat right across from me--

blond hair, blue eyes.

Pretty girl.

Oh.

[Sighs] Well,
you have the right

to be called whatever you want.

And I want you to
know that I am here

to help you to straighten out
the situation with the crew

if you want me to.

Thank you, sir.

I appreciate that.

By the way, I also
had a nickname when

I was in the maritime academy.

Really?

Yes, I've, uh, never been
able to say it out loud.

Really?

[Sighs]

[Laughs] I'm surprised you
even whispered that one, sir.

Well, I only told you
because you're a good friend.

In fact, that's why
I called you in here.

Don't you know that we're
all your very good friends?

Thank you, sir.

[Snickers]

Woman (over intercom):
Ladies and gentlemen,

we hope you've all
enjoyed your stay

in wonderful puerto vallarta.

Just because we're leaving
Mexico doesn't mean the fun's

over.

Join us on the lido deck
for some late dancing

under the stars.

This is just the
beginning, Frances.

The mayoralty is
your first baby step.

From there, it could be
governor Hardy, senator Hardy.

Who knows?

You could even be
president someday.

Barry, you're
getting carried away.

Well, someday, there
will be a woman president.

Why not Frances Hardy?

And I could be first gentlemen.

Well, if anybody can
get me there, it's you.

You know how we
told the voters

about Phil's real estate scam
the day before the election?

I'd known about it for months.

You had?

Mm-hmm.

Why didn't you tell
me about it sooner

so we could announce it soon?

And give him time to reply?

No way.

Timing is what
elections are all about.

Barry, that's as
unethical as what Phil did--

maybe even worse.

All's fair in love and w*r.

I don't know if what
we have here is w*r.

It certainly isn't love.

Marcy, I just want you
to answer one question.

Why did you follow
me on this cruise?

Because i-- I knew that you
were working yourself to death.

When the travel agent called
with your cruise reservations,

i--

I borrowed some new
clothes and I put

myself in hock for the fare.

I just thought I should try
and save your life somehow.

Isn't it a little presumptuous
for the switchboard operator

to think she can save the life
of the chairman of the board?

Look, Mr. Stockton.

Just because I'm a
switchboard operator

doesn't mean that i'm
not as good as you are.

Oh, so now you're
as good as I am?

Yes, I think so.

Well, I think so too.

I just had to get you to see it.

Marcy, it doesn't
matter what you do.

What matters is what you are.

And you are the wonderful
woman who opened my eyes

and showed me that there's
more to life than just

grinding away behind a desk.

Marcy, I love you.

You're never getting
away from me again.

It won't work.

You're-- well, you're still
chairman of the board.

That's right.

I am chairman of the board.

And what I say goes.

And I say you're
going to marry me.

Will you?

Yes, Mr. Chairman.

[Sighs] So what did you
want to talk to me about?

Well, first, I'd like to
say that, after what I said

to you the last
time that we met,

it's gracious of you to
even agree to see me.

You're right.

But then you're always right.

Apparently, not always.

Some city administrations
have scandals--

some sooner, some later.

My administration seems
to have had a scandal

before it even took office.

And what was that?

I just found out that Barry
withheld the information

about your conflict of
interest until the last minute

so you couldn't respond.

I apologize for my part in that.

Why apologize?

You obviously didn't
have any part in it.

But may I respond now?

It's unnecessary.

The election's over.

Not really.

I think I'm still
running for nomination

on the Frances and Phil
ticket, or better yet,

the Phil and Frances ticket.

Maybe we could discuss
that in a smoke-filled room,

or a room of any kind.

[Sighs] And now do you want to
hear my response to your press

conference charges?

Not really.

Well, here it is anyway.

I signed a dollar-a-year
lease for all my property,

because our city needs
all the jobs that downtown

complex will bring.

Why didn't you
tell me that before?

Because I was too angry
with you to even talk to you.

And since we're still
political opponents,

it probably won't
be the last time.

You're right.

So why don't we make up for
our next fights right now?

Captain, you're the captain
and you tell us what to do.

But none of us want to see him.

That's right, merrill.

We can work with
him, but that's it.

I just want you
to talk to him.

Captain, we have tried that.

Over and over.

And then over and over.

Well, you'll try it again.

[Knocking]

Well, he's not here.

Let's go.

[Clears throat]
Maybe he's sleeping.

After you.

Surprise!

What?

What is going on here?

Burl's having a
welcome home party.

Oh, really?

Who's the guest of honor, burl?

I am.

[Laughter]

Since I took an adult name,
I have behaved like a child,

right?
- Right.

- Yes.
- Yeah.

All you people are my friends.

You may call me
anything you want.

But I prefer gopher.

You got it, burl.

[Laughter]

See, Marcy, I told you
everything would work out.

Mr. Stockton, you
look like a new man

since you've taken a cruise.

He is.

You're looking at a
recovered workaholic.

That's right.

And from now on,
I'm a "love-aholic."

Oh.

Oh, well, mayor
Hardy, good luck

with your new administration.

Oh, thank you, captain.

Frances?

Do I still get to ride
home in the mayor's car?

Oh, of course, Barry.

You're the one who got me
the car in the first place.

Phil, no hard feelings.

No hard feelings, Barry.

I came on this ship a loser and
wound up winning everything.

Oh.

Captain and Vicki, if
you're ever in our city,

please come and see us.

Oh, we sure will.

Maybe I can even arrange to
give you the key to the city.

Why, thank you.

And if you're not
there when we arrive,

just leave it under the mats.

[Laughter]

Janet, I am so sorry that this
stupid business about my name

almost ruined our cruise.

[Laughs] Are you kidding?

Don't you remember last night
under the welcome home banner?

Oh, yeah.

Gosh, I almost
forgot about that.

[Chuckles] Well you better
not forget about that.

Because the next time I see
you, I want everything repeated

in exactly the same way.

Gopher.

[Growls]

Any of you eavesdroppers
care to know

what the captain's nickname
was at the maritime academy?

Ooh, yeah, I do.

Me too, what was it?

[Theme music]