08x25 - Charmed, I'm Sure/Ashes to Ashes/No Dad of Mine

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making
another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something
for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure,
your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard ♪

♪ it's love ♪

Excuse me. Could you tell us
who to see about cabins?

Oh, certainly.
Uh, right over here.

Thank you.

Purser Smith would be
very happy to assist you.

Wonderful.

Be my pleasure, mister...

Mills.

Are you two
traveling together?

Yes.

Oh.

I'm Robin mills.

He's my dad.

Aw!

He only looks young because he's
found the fountain of youth.

He sure has.

You don't look old enough
to be her father.

Well, I adopted Robin
when I was .

It's not easy being brought up
by your daughter.

Boy, I'll be glad when I get
you married and outta the house.

Enjoy.

Thank you. I will.

Oh, miss purcell,
uh, promenade

is just past the flower shop
and to your right.

Promenade.

Mm-hmm.

Um, is that single sex?

I'm traveling alone.

Well, I don't think you'll be
traveling alone for long.

I hope you're right.

Happy sailing.

Put that
on your Christmas list,

and I'll see what
I can do for you.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Beautiful. Okay.

I'll deliver this to you
personally, miss Maguire.

You know, I don't mind
if you take a little longer

with your sh*ts, ace.

I don't blame you, captain.
[ Laughs ]

Oh, ace.

Yeah.

Here's the passenger list
you wanted.

Oh, great. Thanks, Vicki.

Now, I can keep track of
the passengers and the pictures.

Okay, let's see.

Uh, Maguire.

Maguire. Here it is.

Fiesta ,
boarding sh*t with captain.

McNamara?

No, no, I believe
it was Maguire.

No, not her.

McNamara, Stacey Louise.
Stacey!

An old friend?

Friend?

We were like this
in college.

Uh, actually we were, uh...
Well, yeah...

Go on.

No, it's not important.

Stacey Louise McNamara.
I still have her sorority pin.

You know,
I sent her more flowers...

Steady sweethearts?

Yeah.

But I usually sent the flowers
to the infirmary.

She was a real daredevil.

You know, surfing, skydiving,
waterskiing.

She was always getting bruised
and banged up.

You know, our school color
were red and yellow.

Hers were black and blue.

Ace?

Stacey!

Hi!

Hey! Mmm!

Hi!

See, what'd I tell you,
a regular calamity Jane.

Thanks very much.
I'm fine.

I'm captain stubing,
miss McNamara.

Oh, how do you do?

Oh, ace.

It's so good to see you.

Ah, it's so good to see you.

Well, i-I'll leave you two alone
to get reacquainted.

Thanks, captain.

Thanks a lot.

I don't believe it.
Okay, what did you do now?

Well, you remember
that hole in the wall

at the bottom
of snow canyon ski run?

There's no hole
in that wall.

Well, there is now.

[ Laughs ]
I don't believe it.

I know. I know.

Hi, i'm, uh, Marty kilmer.

And this is my wife, Kate.

Hi.

Welcome aboard.

I'm Judy McCoy,
the cruise director.

I'm Adam bricker,
ship's doctor.

Oh, good.
We may need you.

What for?

We've both sworn
to quit smoking.

Yeah, you can tape
my mouth shut.

I'm sorry.
I don't make mouth calls.

[ Chuckles ] Well,
we're not taking any chances.

We've made a bet.

The first one who starts smoking
has to do all the housework

and the cooking for months.

That's right.

This is my chance
to get her to do it.

Well, best of luck
to the both of you.

Thanks.

Well, we better get to it.

Okay.

[ Sighs ]

See? That wasn't as bad
as I thought it would be.

You're so sweet.

Aha!

Uh, that's funny.

Uh, the jacket musta come back
from the cleaners like that.

Mm-hmm.

[ Chuckles ]

Uh, excuse me.

May I see what's
in your left hand?

Just as I thought.

Come in.

Hi, dad.

Hi, honey.

Hey. Nice cabin.

Oh, let me help you
with that.

Oh, don't hang those up.
I'm gonna wear those.

Oh, okay.
Oh, wow.

They go great with this sweater.

Thank you.

I never could dress myself.

Well, maybe you oughta get
that girl to give you a hand,

the one who gave you the eye
in the purser's lobby.

Oh, you thought so, too?

Uh-huh.

You know, it's a shame
I'm too old for her.

[ Scoffs ] She didn't seem
to think so.

I've got a daughter
almost her age.

Oh, she doesn't know that.

Hey...

What if father had
no daughter?

Now, Robin, please.

No, really, dad.

We could pretend
not to be father and daughter

for a few days,
for father's sake.

Your pretend games
sometimes get me into trouble.

Well, at least
you're never bored.

Come on, dad.
It'll be fun.

Well, what about the purser
and chief barman?

They know who we are.

Oh, well, leave that to me.

I'll fix it.

Why is it every time
you fix something,

something else
ends up broken?

Mm.

All right. I'll do it.

Oh, great!

Have a wonderful cruise,
stranger.

[ Door opens and closes ]

[ Ship horn blowing ]

♪♪

Hi, Mr. Kilmer.

Fingers are better
than cigarettes.

Needs salt.

It's hard to quit smoking,
isn't it?

Now, I'm nervous.
I'm -- I'm irritable.

I'm -- I'm angry.

My mouth feels like
a desert.

I don't know
what to do with my hands.

It's a breeze.

But you are doing it.

Every minute without
a cigarette helps.

How long has it been?

Uh, I gave 'em up when
I boarded ...Years ago.

Read this.
It might help.

"Quit smoking now."

Yeah.

And the crew says to tell you
they are behind you all the way,

%.

%.

Hi.

You know, I thought
you were supposed to save money

when you stopped smoking.

Yeah, at least a dollar a day.

Big deal.
I just blew $ . on gum.

What's that?

Uh, doc gave it to me.
It's a quit smoking pamphlet.

This is very interesting.

It says here
that the first hours

are the hardest because you're
breaking up an addictive habit.

See? We were addicts.

We should feel terrific
now that we've stopped.

Yeah, if we feel so terrific,
how come I feel so lousy?

Speak for yourself, honey.

I am havin' no problems
at all.

Uh, need a light?

I'll bet you think
I'm hooked, don't you?

You watch. I won't have
another celery all day.

Hi.

Hi.

Can I give you a hand?

Oh, no thanks.

My hand works just fine.

How do you do?

How do you do?

So, yes, my name
is Isaac Washington.

Stacey McNamara.

Well, Stacey, would you like
something cool to drink, say,

like a rum punch?

Well, I'll take the punch.

But hold the rum. I'm driving,
and this is a rental.

Well, I hope you're not
paying by the mile

'cause we're going
all the way to Mexico.

Uh-huh!

Oh, hi, captain.

Stacey seems to be
a delightful young lady.

Yes. And she's got
a great sense of humor.

Well, why don't you ask her
to join us at my table tonight?

Gopher's jokes
are getting a little stale.

Yes, sir. [ Sighs ]

Hey, Stacey, Isaac.

Oh, hi, ace.

Hey, ace.

Have you got time
to show me around the ship?

Oh, for you,
I'll make time. Huh?

Great.

All right. Here we go.

Oh, ace?

Yeah?

I can do that.

Oh, I'm just tryin' to help.

Oh, hey.

Don't let the wheelchair
fool you.

You'd be amazed
at some of the things I can do.

Oh, look out!

Uh, I guess, uh,

I wasn't paying attention.

Well, not to the pool
anyway.

Whoop! Whoop!
No, no, I'm sorry.

Don't be.

Stuard mills.

Allison purcell.

Hey, you, uh,
saved my life.

The Indians say
if you save a man's life,

he owes you a drink.
So, uh, What'll it be?

Margarita sounds good.

Oh, and get one for yourself,
in case you ever save my life.

Hi.

Hi, Vicki.

How am I doin'?

Well, I knew you wouldn't
be alone for long.

Do you give lessons?
Have fun.

Bye.

Two margaritas, please.

Ah, comin' right up.

Hey, dad, how's it going?

Pardon me, miss?

Oh, it's okay.
You can drop the act.

I told Isaac and gopher
what we're up to.

Mum's the word.

Right on.

Well, her name is Allison.

And I think I'm doin' okay.
Great.

Well, why don't you
go back to Allison?

And I'll deliver the drinks
over there.

Well, thank you.

Bye.

Bye.

Looks like your friend's
doin' just fine.

Of course he is. I taught him
everything he knows.

♪♪

[ Knock on door ]

Yeah?

Uh, who is it?

Yeah, who is...

[ Chuckles ]

♪♪

Attention, please.

Main seating dinner
is now being served

in the coral dining room.

Oh, just pile it on high.

We got plenty of room here.

Come on in.

Hi. Is all of this part
of the no smoking campaign,

or did you also start
a new nutritional program?

No,
according to this pamphlet,

smoking is a form of oral
gratification just like eating.

So we figured
the more we eat,

the less we'll feel
the urge to smoke.

Well, this should take care
of your urge for the rest

of the century at least.

With all
this wonderful food here,

we haven't even thought
about smokin'.

Well, that's terrific.

Yeah, we got smoked trout,
smoked oysters.

We got smoked Turkey,
smoked ham.

And look at
this smoked cheese!

Bon appétit.

And how about this
for dinner tonight?

A small,
intimate table for two

followed by pearls of caviar,
followed by lots of love talk.

Mm. Fine.

Now what are you
gonna have?

I wanna see my father first.
Will you excuse me?

Okay. Start the love talk
without you.

You look very handsome tonight,
gopher.

Thank you, my darling.
You have excellent taste.

Would you like to sit down?
No, I'll stand.

All right, baby.
I'll sit down by myself.

Where's your friend, Allison?

She'll be here any minute.
Where's gopher?

At the table, waiting for me.

Good.

Ah, here comes Allison.

[ Gasps ]

[ Whispers ]
Consider me scrammed!

Who's that girl
I saw you talking with?

Uh, she was just someone
looking for a table.

Well, didn't I see you talking
with her earlier, by the pool?

Oh, no, no.
That was the purser.

She was just with him.

As a matter of fact,
they're having dinner right now.

Uh, you look beautiful.

Thank you.

And you must be
older than you look.

Most men don't bother pulling
out chairs for women anymore.

Well, um, I'm not most men.

Or, uh, hadn't you noticed?

I have noticed.

I'm grateful.

There's something very genuine
about you.

Oh, thank you. But I think
most people try to be.

Mm, not in my experience.

You'd be surprised
how many men can't be trusted.

To honesty.

To honest and, uh,
good intentions.

[ Clink ]

And on her very first
skydive,

Stacey landed right in
the middle of the target circle.

Uh-huh. Unfortunately,
there was another jumper there.

We both ended up
with a concussion.

Listen, you haven't lived
until you've tried a free fall.

It's great.

Oh, that's a good name for it,
"free fall."

You couldn't pay me
to do it.

Well, ace said
that Stacey'll try anything.

She even surfs.

Oh, now that is something
I would love to learn.

Well, I will explain to you
my secret technique,

including
how to dislocate your shoulder.

Oh!

Too bad they don't award, uh,
purple hearts to civilians.

Yeah.

You oughta see her ski.

She's a real hotdogger --
somersaults, backflips.

That's how she ended up
in this.

Hit the wall at snow canyon.

Ooh.

Well, aside from the accident,
snow canyon

must've been great this season.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, well,
I wouldn't know about that.

This happened years ago.

♪♪

♪♪

Oh, can't we stop dancin'?
My feet are killin' me.

But the pamphlet says that
physical activity, like dancing,

will help us forget.

Forget what?

Smoking!

See, I already forgot.

Let's --
let's sit down here.

Come on.

You know,

I didn't know you liked cooking
and housework so much.

Huh?

Well, you sit down,

you're gonna want a cocktail
and a cigarette.

And then I'm going
to win the bet.

Uh, pardon me, madame,
would you care to soirée?

But of course.

I can't get used to seeing her
in that wheelchair.

Old friends aren't supposed
to change.

They're supposed to stay
the same as they are

in our memories.

[ Sighs deeply ]

How do I talk to her?

What do I say?

Say how happy you are
to be with her.

That is, if you are.

Sounds like a good start
to me.

♪♪

Yeah.

[ Whispers ] Yeah.

I hope I'm not dancing
too old-fashioned for you.

No, I like old-fashioned
dancing.

That way you can hold
the other person close.

I hope it never
goes out of style.

You think it's too soon
for me to feel, uh,

so attracted to you?

Actually,
I think you're kinda slow.

I was attracted the first moment
I saw you.

What are your plans later?

Mm-hmm.

The ship's on fire.

Uh-huh.

Wanna jump over the rail
and go skinny dipping?

Mm-hmm. What?

[ Chuckles ] I'm sorry.

I guess I wasn't paying
much attention.

This is the first time
I've seen my father in action.

Well, later will be
the first time

you get to see
your purser in action.

Uh-huh.

♪♪

Stacey, you all right?

Seeing
all those people dancing,

I think I miss that
most of all.

It's hard to believe.
You were such a lousy dancer.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] Thanks a lot.

I was about to indulge
in a little self-pity.

Oh, we can't have
any of that.

Hmm. [ Sighs ]

Thanks for the roses.

You're welcome.

You know, I thought about you
a lot after college.

I almost called you
several times.

I wish you had.

I thought you'd be married
by now.

Well, I almost was.

I, uh, broke off my engagement
a couple months ago.

Oh. Did, uh...

Ah!

Please, no questions.

Stacey...

Close your eyes.

[ Chuckles ] Why?

Just close your eyes, please.

Okay.

I get scared
in my own darkroom.

So tell me when I can open 'em.
All right?

Okay. Just a minute now.

All right.

Hurry up.

All right.

Now, don't peek.
I'm not quite ready.

You're still crazy.

Okay. Ready.

Well, how do I look?

You look...

You look like my Stacey.

That was the plan.

♪♪

I feel like we're the last
couple in a dance marathon.

Can't we stop dancin'?

Both my legs have cramps
in 'em.

From smoking too much.

From dancing too much.

Oh, cramps are good
for you.

Pain is good for you.

I mean, in months from now,
without smoking,

think how healthy
you'll be.

Yeah, if I live through
the dancin'.

[ Breathing deeply ]

What are you doing?

I'm inhalin'.

The band's playin'
"smoke gets in your eyes."

[ Groans ]

Oh, no, Mr. Kilmer.
I don't wanna dance.

The band is leaving.

What a shame.
We have to stop dancin'.

Thanks from the bottom
of my heart.

Come on.

Where are we goin'?

To the cabin.

I just thought of another
physical activity we can do.

Somethin' that'll get you
off your feet.

♪♪

Is the coast clear?

Well, it is right now,

but I'm expecting Allison
any minute.

Oh, great.

Then fill me in quick.

I-I've gotta get back
to gopher, too.

Well, there's not much
to tell.

But if that moon stays
right where it is,

I think I'll have a full report
for you in the morning.

That's my pop.

You think I look a little, uh,
younger in the moonlight?

No, just a little handsomer.

Now, look,
you better scoot.

I think Allison's
getting suspicious

of us bumping into each other
all the time.

Oh, right. Oh!

Okay.

You're still
my favorite man.

I love you.

Get.

Mmm.

Come here, gorgeous.

I thought you would be tired
after all that dancin'.

No, I just needed somethin'
to keep my lips busy.

Hmm,
the pamphlet was right.

Everything does taste better.

Stop. We can't.

Why not?

Well, you know what happens
when we start kissing.

I was kinda countin'
on that.

Well, you know what happens
after that.

Yeah, I fall asleep.

Yeah, well I stay awake
and have a cigarette,

and I'll go crazy
if I can't.

That's ridiculous.

Do you mean to tell me
you're gonna avoid sex

for the rest of our lives?

Well, at least
we'll live longer.

What for?

Whoo!

[ Laughs ]

Here you go.

Oh!

Ahh.

[ Sighs ]

Well, here we are,
all safe and sound.

You know what
I was thinking?

No, what were you thinking?

Do you remember that night that
you sneaked into my dorm room?

Remember that?

[ Laughs ] Do I remember?

Yeah,
I was scared outta my wits

that the housemother
was gonna catch me.

Ah, but she didn't,
but I did.

Yeah.

Oh.

[ Keys jangling ]

Well, uh...Here you go.

Night, Stacey. Mmm.

Well, wait a minute.
Where are you going?

I mean, there's
not a housemother in sight.

Aren't you gonna help me
get undressed?

Oh, I'm -- i'm, uh,
I'm sorry.

I didn't know
you needed help.

Who said anything
about need?

I-I can't.

You see,
I've gotta develop some film

that has to be ready
first thing in the morning.

Hmm? Better go.

Stacey, it's not
that I don't --

oh, it's okay.

I understand.

Thanks for
a lovely evening.

[ Whispers ] Yeah.

[ Door closes ]

♪♪

Hi.

What happened to you
last night?

I waited,
but you didn't come back.

Oh, I came back,
but you were busy.

I didn't wanna
break up anything.

Well, look, Allison,
I can explain that.

Oh, well, I'm sure you can,
but I'm not interested.

No, no.

The girl I was with, Robin,
uh, that's my daughter.

Your daughter.

Yeah.

I'd expect you to come up
with a more creative line

than that one.

Morning!

Do I detect a lover's spat
to start the day?

Well, my day may be ending
before it starts.

Allison saw me last night
with Robin.

Now, she doesn't believe
Robin's my daughter.

Oh.

Why is it that women always
have trouble

believing the truth, huh?

Maybe we men don't tell it
enough. I don't know.

Thanks, Adam.

Sure.

Hey, ace.

Good morning, ace.

Hi, ace.

Morning.

Where's Stacey?

She probably ate already.

Oh, no, she didn't.
I've been here all morning.

Isaac, may I have a cup
of coffee, please?

Sure.

[ Ace sighs deeply ]

Here you go.

[ Saucer clatters ]

Sorry. I'm sorry.

Uh, I'm sorry.

Ace, are you and Stacey --

Stacey and I.

What's the matter
with everybody?

Why are we the hot new couple
all of a sudden?

Ace, we're your friends,
remember?

[ Sighs deeply ] I'm sorry.

Do you believe those two?

They can not stop eating.

That's because they're trying
so hard to give up smoking.

And no matter how difficult,

it is the smartest thing
they'll ever do.

I was even smarter.
I gave it up before I started.

[ Scoffs ]

Do you realize
we spent our entire savings

on this cruise?

And what for?

All we do every day
is sit around not smoking.

It's ruined everything,
even our sex lives.

I need some coffee.

Ooh, that sounds sexy.
Go ahead.

Have some coffee.

Then you'll want
a cigarette to go with it.

You know,
it's gonna be such fun

having you wait on me
hand and foot for months.

Okay. Forget it.

Great cruise. Great cruise.

I give up everything --
smokin', coffee, sex.

Well, one of 'em was never
a habit with you anyway.

Mmm.

Pop, well,
let me get this straight.

You told her the truth,
that I am your daughter.

And she didn't believe you?

Not for a minute.

[ Scoffs ]

With all these games
we've been playing,

I can't say
that I blame her.

But you have
such an honest face.

Yeah, a face
with egg all over it.

I'm sorry, dad.
I got you into this mess.

Somehow,
I'll straighten it out.

I think you've done enough
straightening out for one trip.

Yeah, but dad --

I said enough.

Besides, it doesn't make
any difference.

I'm too old for her anyway.

Good morning, ace.

Morning.

[ Exhales sharply ]

My, we're in a dark mood
this morning.

Look...

Oh, I hate
unfinished sentences.

Come on.

You're amazing.
I mean, you are really amazing.

I acted like a jackass
last night.

I walked out on you.

Here you are, acting like
nothing ever happened.

Would you feel better
if I yelled at you?

Maybe I would.
At least I'd know how you feel.

Stacey, I'm so sorry.

Ace, it's okay.
Forget it.

Stacey, it --
it's not that I...

Now, ace, I understand.

You just can't handle it.

I'm sorry, but what you see
is what you get.

So, you see, stuard and Robin
didn't mean to hurt anybody.

They just did this
because he was attracted to you.

Did stuard send you
to tell me that?

No.
This was my own idea.

They both feel terrible
about this.

Maybe I was
too harsh with him,

but only because
my last relationship

was a network of lies.

And I swore that I'd never
go through that again.

Oh, come on.
Stuard's not that kinda guy.

No, he isn't.

He impressed me
as being very sincere.

Robin!

Hello!

Hi.

We were just talking
about you and your father.

Uh, my father?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, well, don't tell me
you fell for that, too.

I'm not stuard's daughter.
I'm his mistress.

His mistress?

Well, yes.

I have been for years.

I thought I was
losing him to you.

But, well, whatever happened
between the two of you,

we're back together again.
Thank you.

He is the most exciting man
I've ever known.

That's the man
I called sincere?

♪♪

Thank you.

I don't know
what to do about it, captain.

I mean, I know
I'm not handling it very well.

Well, why don't you talk
to Stacey

and tell her how you feel?

I would,
but I don't know how I feel.

I mean, part of me
is deeply attracted to her.

And part of me

can't get used to seeing her
in that...

That chair.

That's understandable.
It's a big adjustment.

Kevin, will you
log those for me, please?

Captain, you should've known her
when she was in college.

I mean, she had everything
going for her.

And now?

Now, she's disabled.

Ace...

What do you want
from Stacey?

I don't know.

I think you do.

I want her to be
like she was.

Well, I'm sure,
in a lot of ways, she still is.

Stacey is a vibrant,
delightful young woman.

I'm sure she deserves a man
who will love her

the way she is,
not remind her of what she was.

This might be the time
for you to ask yourself

if you're that man.

And what if I'm not?

What does it make me?

Honest.

[ Sighs ]

Buenos dias,
ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to puerto vallarta,
where you can enjoy everything

from parasailing to charming
restaurants and shops

which line
its cobblestone streets.

Whatever you'd like,
you'll find it here

in fascinating
puerto vallarta.

♪♪

Stacey, wait!
I have to talk to you.

I'm on my way into town.

Good. I'll go with you.

No, you won't.

I don't need your help.
I'm per--

Stacey, I am not trying
to help you.

I'm trying to love you.

Ace, please.

Uh...

Stacey, I just --

I don't want your charity.

It's not charity.

Look, last night I was confused
about a lot of things.

Now I'm not.

I want you.

Like this?

I don't care about
the chair.

I care about you.

You're beautiful.

You're sexy.

You're really serious,
aren't you?

Come with me
and I'll show you how serious.

[ Sighs ]

I'm really confused.

Look, I need some time
to think alone.

I'll talk to you
when I get back. Okay?

[ Whispers ] Okay.

Uh, let me do that
for you.

I-I just like to make sure
they're really out.

I'm a fireman.

Judy: And this shop
is supposed to be great.

Shoes? Oh, I love shoes!

[ Laughs ]

Cheap is my favorite,
you know.

Uh, gimme a lite.

I heard that.

You asked for a light.

And that's exactly what
the man gave me.

I didn't realize
I have to give up beer, too.

Well, are going into town.
Care to join us?

No, no, but just make sure
this one doesn't smoke.

[ Coughs ]

[ Both sniffing ]

Marty, you're on fire!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Aah!

Are you all right?

Uh, yeah.

I'm fine.

And thanks for savin' me
from smoking and losing the bet.

Get me a bourbon
and stain remover.

Allison.

I'd like to apologize.

Don't apologize to me.

Apologize to Robin.

You're a liar and a cheat
and a two-timer.

And not only did you
treat me badly,

but how could you
be so mean to Robin?

Mean to Robin?
You gotta be kidding me.

All right, we have
a very good relationship.

She gets everything
she needs and wants.

You can't buy people.

You played me for a fool.

You played gopher
for a fool.

And, worst of all,
you played Robin for a fool.

And she loves you so.

[ Smack ]

That was from
all three of us.

[ Groans ]

Oh, Robin,
what have you done now?

♪♪

I just don't know what I'm gonna
do when I go off duty.

I've received so many
tempting offers.

I have the same problem.

I'm gonna wash my hair,
too.

Hi, I'm looking for
the lost and found.

Well, you found it.

I misplaced a ring
that I bought in town,

and I was wondering if someone
might've turned it in.

Is it inscribed
to, uh, "honeybuns"?

Ah, yes. I'm afraid so.

We weren't prying.

We were just looking
for identification.

Oh, that's okay. It's...

Well, it's kind of
a personal joke.

No explanation necessary.

You are looking at two girls

who are going to
wash their hair tonight.

Thanks very much.

Bye-bye. See you later.

Bye.

Honeybuns.

That's a good name
for ace.

Sure does fit.

Attention, please.

We will depart puerto vallarta
in minutes.

We hope you enjoyed
your stay.

Was good, huh?

[ Coughs ]

Captain? Doctor bricker?

Yes. Hey.

Have either of you
seen my husband?

Well, he was in the Neptune bar
a while ago.

Isaac said he chewed up
all the straws.

Well, he's trying anything
he can to find a substitute

for cigarettes.

Oh, don't worry.

I never heard of anyone
getting hooked on straws.

How are you doing?

Okay.

Neither of us has smoked yet,

but Marty's ready
to go back to it.

Marty?

I think he went back
too far.

Marty, what on earth
are you doing?

It's a pacifier.

The pamphlet says some people
have trouble quitting

'cause their oral needs
weren't satisfied as a baby.

Did it help?

Yes and no.

I still want a smoke,
but I haven't cried for an hour.

♪♪

And you were so worried
about being too old for her.

Well, I thought if I pretended
to be your mistress

that you'd seem younger
and more vital to her.

And now...I'm sorry, dad.

Oh, Robin,
don't feel so bad.

The age problem's mine,
not Allison's.

I shouldn't have gone along
with this crazy scheme

in the first place.
I knew it wasn't gonna work.

Hmm. I think I learned
my lesson, too.

No matter what I tell gopher
now, he'll think it's a lie.

Well, we came on this cruise
to spend some time together.

Looks like we're getting
our wish.

Hmm.

Do you think they're really
father and daughter?

Sure. With all the stunts
that Robin pulled,

she'd be thrown outta
the mistress union.

Still miss that little liar,
though.

I miss that big liar.

Not for long.

♪♪

Well, uh...

[ Clears throat ]

Allison, wait, please.

This is my daughter Robin.

She was trying
to make you jealous

just to get us
back together again.

Sometimes I do dumb things.

Sometimes?

Okay. A lotta times.

Most times.
But I'd do them again

if it would help my dad.

Robin, please.

If you wanna help me,
don't help.

You must be a wonderful man

to have a daughter
that loves you that much.

I just wish we could start
all over again.

Well, let's try.
I am stuard mills.

This is my daughter Robin.

Hi.

I'm gopher Smith.

And, uh, I'm Allison purcell,
his sister.

Why don't we all
have a drink?

Okay.

Good idea.

♪♪

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are now leaving
puerto vallarta

and heading for Los Angeles.

And it looks like
smooth sailing all the way.

We can't go on like this.

Do you know how much I need you,
how much I want you,

to feel your touch,
to feel you on my lips?

I'm goin' over the edge.

Better a smoker
than a rubber roomer.

[ Panting ]

I'm an addict. I admit it.

Marty, no!
Don't do it.

Don't try to stop me.

I'll pay up.
You win the bet.

I don't care about the bet.

Look, I'll do the housework
and the dishes,

just don't smoke
that cigarette.

Now you're fightin' dirty!

I will fight
any way I have to.

Honey, I love you

and I want you around
for a long time with me.

Marty, we can
kick this thing together.

I don't think I can.

Look, I was reading
the pamphlet

and it says,
if all else fails

and someone is desperate
for a cigarette, do this.

The pamphlet said that?

What's the difference?

We could stay like this
forever.

Mmm, I could think
of worse cures.

I'll kiss to that.

♪♪

Well, how's this?

Oh, fine.

You know, if it gets
too chilly out here,

we could go back to
your cabin,

start where we left off
last night --

you, me, no housemother.

I have something
to tell you.

But we can talk later.

No, don't, please.

I thought that's what
you wanted?

I did.

And I didn't.

How's that?

Ace, I'm engaged.

Engaged?

Yes. I love him very much.

Well, if you'll excuse me if I
have a hard time following you.

Look, I'm not proud of myself
for doing this.

But I couldn't marry Jeff

if I thought
he was doing it out of pity.

I had to prove to myself
that I was...Still a woman,

still attractive to men,
so --

so you needed
some romantic Guinea pig,

so you looked up ace.

Well, thank you.

Ace!

Look, I...

I can't ask you to
forgive me.

But maybe in time,
you'll understand.

[ Exhales deeply ]

Jeff, huh?

Nice guy?

Yes.

[ Whispers ] Yeah.

[ Sighs ] Well...

I hope the two of you
will be very happy.

Do you really mean that?

Not entirely,
but I'm working on it.

♪♪

It was a wonderful cruise,
gopher.

Yeah, I'd say
it was interesting.

It's the first time
I've ever competed for a girl

with her father.

Well, at least we had fun after
everything got straightened out.

Yeah, I was kinda hoping you'd
come up with some wild ideas.

Oh, well, I'm saving those
until I know you better.

You two.
Gopher, thank you.

Well, we haven't seen you two
in quite a while.

Well, we have been getting
better acquainted.

Well, I guess your age doesn't
make a difference after all.

Well, I think you'll have to
ask Allison.

Come on.
Let's go...Junior.

It was a wonderful cruise.

Mm.

And a great success story.

Uh, you did kick the habit?
Of smoking, that is.

We think...We'll write...
Our own...Pamphlet.

I guess you didn't read
the, uh,

surgeon general's
latest report

that kissing can be
dangerous to your health.

Oh, that's true,
'cause if I ever catch her

kissin' anybody else,
I'll k*ll her.

[ Laughter ]

Thank you so much.
Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Thank you all for making
this trip so wonderful.

I'll never forget it.

And we'll never forget you,
Stacey.

Good luck.

Thanks.

Is someone meeting you?

Uh, yes.

I called my fiancé Jeff.
He's waiting for me.

Well, tell him, from me,

he's a lucky guy.

Oh, I think I'm the lucky one

to have found a guy like him

and a friend like you.

Thank you.

♪♪