09x03 - Hidden Treasure/Picture from the Past/Ace's Salary

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ love, exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ love is life's
sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making
another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something
for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure,
your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love, love ♪

♪ love won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making
another run ♪

♪ welcome aboard ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard, it's love ♪

We'd like to welcome you
to our special cruise

to cabo San Lucas

to celebrate the th voyage
of the pacific Princess.

Excuse me.

I know...Yes?

Are you the captain?

Yes, I'm captain stubing.

I'm Karen Cooper.
This is my husband, Larry.

It's my pleasure.

Thank you.
Uh, which way is --

Mr. and Mrs. Cooper, I'd like
to have you meet Peter duchin.

He and his orchestra will be

entertaining at our special
th cruise party

our final night.

Oh.

Yes, I love playing
these cruises.

It's just like a paid vacation.

Peter duchin, eddy's boy?

Oh, he was terrific
in "the eddy duchin story,"

one of my favorite
movies.

Actually, Tyrone power
was in the movie.

Oh.

Really?

Everybody called him eddy.

Why don't we let this nice,
young man go find his piano?

We'll go find our cabin.

Very nice meeting you.
Thank you.

I'll see you later, captain.

Bye-bye.

Well, enjoy the cruise.

Captain, which way is aloha ?

Ah, through those doors
to the left and down one deck.

Thank you.

Yeah, we -- we reserved
that cabin special.

It -- it was recommended
by a guy I met...

In the supermarket line.

Right.

How about we stop yapping
and get to that cabin?

It's a second honeymoon.
She can't wait to get me alone.

Wow.

I'm George Hammond,
and this is my wife, Mary.

Well, welcome
to our th cruise.

Thank you.

"Have tractor. Will travel."

George is
a tractor salesman,

best in his district.

They call him the Lee iacocca
of the corn belt.

Excuse me,
Judy, Andy warhol is here.

[ Gasps ]
Andy warhol?

Well, you know, the artist.

He's gonna be on this cruise?

Yes.

He's gonna help
us celebrate our th voyage.

He's gonna
pick some lucky passenger

and paint her portrait.

Hmm.

[ Gasping,
indistinct conversations ]

Hey.

Come on, George.

Hello. I'm...

Andy warhol.

And this is...

Ramon, your executive assistant.

I've read all about you.

Welcome to our th cruise,
Mr. Warhol.

Uh, you and your party
are on the promenade deck.

I'll show you the way.

I was wondering,
how does an artist

know when a painting
is truly successful?

When the check's cleared.

Excuse me, doc,
can I see you a minute?

Thank you. Excuse us.
Just a moment.

Pardon us. Excuse me.

What?

Doc, doc.

Huh?

You gotta help me,
or I'm gonna lose my job.

What?

Do you remember, last month,

I threw that surprise birthday
party for Isaac in my office?

Sure, I do.

Now, can you keep your job?

I spilled some champagne
on some files,

and after I dried everything off
and I put everything away,

I couldn't find a receipt
for a ton of butter.

You're gonna lose your job
over one piece of paper?

Doc, Lionel Douglas
is coming on the ship today

to do his yearly audit
of my books.

The man loves to t*rture me.

He says it helps him relax
to watch me hyperventilate.

Gopher, every year
he comes to audit your books.

Every year you go crazy.

Every year you pass the audit.

When Lionel Douglas
finds out that I cannot account

for a ton of butter, I'll be
grooming chihuahuas in Moscow.

Aloha , bingo.

[ Whistles ]

How much did this cost you?

Everything I saved
while you were in jail.

Well, what if the stamp
isn't here?

Don't say that.

It's here.

Let's get started.

Yesterday I'm in prison.

Today I'm with you.

Couldn't we get something
else started first?

Oh, honey.

You've been away
for five years.

Let's find the stamp,
and then --

then we can get to know
each other again, all right?

Okay.

Jimmy was a little nuts,
you know?

He could have hidden
that stamp anywhere.

Let's find this thing.

Hand me a screwdriver, honey.

If I'd had you boys in prison,
I'd been home a lot sooner.

Larry.

I think I feel
something here.

[ Knock on door ]

Get down, quick.

I can't.

My bracelet's caught.

Hello. I'm Isaac Washington,
chief barman,

and this is a gift of the --

um, is there anything
I can help you with?

A piece of dust way
back there, hard to grip.

I think I could get it.

See, I'm allergic.

I see.

It's no problem, though.

I brought my tools with me.

Why?

So he can fix things.

My husband is a fix-it man.

Yeah.

If I can't fix it,
it ain't broke.

[ Laughing ]

Oh.

Hey, well, listen,
if you get a minute,

my blender button
is stuck on puree.

Yeah.

If, at some time, you know...

Oh, yeah,
piece of cake, piece of cake.

Whew! That was close.

Why didn't you
lock the door?

I got outta the habit.

In the slammer,
they lock the door for you.

Larry, help!

Oh, yeah.

[ Excited chatter ]

♪♪

Stack this stuff anywhere.
I won't need it again.

[ Clears throat ]

Ah, Mr. Douglas, sir.

Oh, I was so worried
about you.

I thought
you'd missed the ship.

Let's not start the day
with a lie.

I'll need an hour to unpack,
and then we'll begin.

Sir, what say
we postpone the audit?

What say we don't?

But, sir, you know, with
all the festivities onboard

this trip, I'd had to have
you miss all the fun.

Don't be silly.

Seeing you squirm is all
the fun that I need.

♪♪

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Oh, wait...Here.

Excuse me,
you are such a lovely vision.

Would you mind
if Andy photographed you?

Oh, thank you so much.

Judy, since when has Andy warhol
become the ship's photographer?

Well, he's going around
the ship taking pictures,

and then he's going to
choose one for the portrait.

Hmm. Interesting.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, Andy,
allow me to introduce myself.

If you don't mind, please.

Certainly.

My name is Isaac Washington,
and I'm the chief barman here,

and I was voted most photogenic
by my high school yearbook.

Hi.

Well, if Andy does
a yearbook,

I'm sure he'll call you.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Well, doc told me you got nuts
whenever the auditor

came onboard, but I didn't know
it was going to be this bad.

Hey, ace.

Hmm?

This guy is rough, all right?

I'm convinced one of his
ancestors was the accountant

for the Spanish inquisition.

Here.

All righty.

Well...

You find anything yet?

Yeah.
Yeah, I found something.

I found that I'm being paid

half of what the previous
photographer got.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about that I also

have the honor of being
the lowest-paid crew member.

Hey, wait a minute, you're not
supposed to be looking at this.

I know, but --

this is purser stuff.

I know, but --

do I look at photographer stuff?

Well, no.

Mr. Douglas, sir.

I, uh, I trust I'm not too late
to rake you over the coals.

Shall we get started?

Well, I better go do
some photographer stuff.

Yes, you better.

Yes, all right.

Thank you.

[ Door closes ]

Karen,
it's not here...Anywhere.

[ Gasps ]

Where could Jimmy have hidden
a tiny, little stamp?

You're sure
this is his room?

Aloha deck .

I know it's here somewhere,
behind a wall, under a rug,

by the pillow.

Here.

[ Both grunting ]

Okay, uh...

Now you're makin' a mess.

[ Spitting ]

[ Mutters ]

What?

Something's in here.

What is it?

I got you, got you.

Hey.

What is it?

[ Spitting ]

Oh, my god.

"Inspected by number ."

Well, if the stamp
was in there,

number 's got it.

How does this keep
happening to us?

It's not fair.

We knew it was a long sh*t.

When are we ever
gonna get a break?

Honey...

I'll take care of you.

Oh.

It may not be as good
as it used to be.

I promise I'll
take care of you.

Mrs. Hammond, is that you?

Is something wrong?

Want to talk about it?

But I just can't.

Mrs. Hammond,
you look so sad.

If you don't talk
to someone,

you're going to ruin
your whole cruise.

You don't know anybody
in Colby, Kansas, do you?

You never planned a visit
to Colby?

Or the surrounding
communities of hoxie,

selden, Sharon Springs?

Mrs. Hammond, I promise.

The ship never goes
to Kansas, ever.

And you won't breathe
a word of this

to anybody,
especially my husband?

Oh, I've just
got to talk to somebody.

Of course you do.

I used to live
in New York City.

Well, we all make mistakes.

See, years ago
I got it into my head

that I could be an actress,

and I took off for New York,

and I was going to be
somebody.

And I got lucky.

Andy warhol discovered me.

It was like a dream come true.

I changed my name to
Marina del Rey.

Everywhere I went,
I was the center of attention.

Of course, my green hair
might've helped.

Green hair.

I even appeared in one of
Andy's movies --

"white giraffe."
Did you see it?

No.

I saw "white Christmas."

No, bing wouldn't have been
in this one.

It was about a bunch
of people who watch TV.

And?

That was it.

They watched TV.

And then on top
of the TV set,

there was a statue
of a white giraffe.

You became a star
by watching TV?

No, I wasn't the star.

In fact, I didn't come on
until the end,

right after
"the price is right."

Oh.

Well, my days with Andy were
fun while they lasted.

Then,
when it stopped being fun,

I just went home to Colby
and married George.

And you never told him that
you'd been in the picture?

Oh, no.
He's a really dear, sweet man,

but he's very conservative.

You know that he threw away
his album

of "the sound of music"
when Julie Andrews

took off her blouse
in that move, "s.O.B."?

He'd never, ever understand
my days in New York.

Oh, that's
why you've been so upset.

Yes.
George is up for president

of our local rotary.

You might say
it was his life-long dream.

If word got back to Colby
about my past,

he'd just be
a laughingstock.

I don't know what I'd do
if Andy recognized me.

Oh, would you look this way?

[ Shutter clicks ]

Thank you.

He didn't recognize me.

See? You had nothing
to worry about.

He didn't recognize me.

That's the man
who dyed my hair green.

He dressed me in food labels.

He didn't recognize me.

Well, maybe you've changed
a little bit since then.

Maybe I've changed too much.

♪♪

Sorry I'm late.

That's all right, dear.

Ah...

Mary, what have you
done to yourself?

Well, you know, I haven't
changed my hair in years.

I -- I just thought it was
time for a change.

You hate it.

Oh, no, I don't hate it.

It's just that I'm --
I'm not used to it.

That's all.

Is that all you can say?

Of course not.

Well?

I'll bet that dress
weighs a ton.

Good.

Keep going. Keep going.

Come on. Come on.
Come on.

Hey, wait --

[ cheering ]

[ Cheering continues ]

All right, everyone.
Over here, smile.

Come on, kids. Come on,
come on, doctor. Big smile.

That's it, and...

[ Shutter clicks ]

Got it. [ Laughs ]

That's it, just one?

I only need one.

Ha!
Wow, what confidence?

I usually have to take a couple
for insurance.

Sometimes I use a whole roll.

Mm, I'm sure.

Ah, great.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, good evening
Mr. and Mrs. Cooper.

Oh.

Good evening.

How do you like
your new cabin?

Oh, it's lovely.

Good.

Every inch of it.

You say new?

Well, yes.

We totally remodeled
the aloha deck.

It took us all a while
to get used to the new numbers.

New numbers?

Well, sure.

Like, take your cabin
for instance.

It's now, but the old
was on the starboard side.

Enjoy your dinner.

Oh.

Captain, could we possibly
change to that other cabin, ?

We had our hearts set on --
on the starboard side.

Starboard.

Yes, well, let's see.

Uh, gopher?

Hmm.

Uh, the coopers
would like to change cabins.

Could you get them to ?

Uh, no sir, no.
That's Mr. Douglas' cabin.

He's a violent man.
I'm sorry.

Out of the question.
Sorry. Excuse me.

You'll have
to excuse purser Smith.

He's under
a lot of pressure.

Numerous v.I.P.S aboard.

Hope he didn't disturb you.

Not at all, right, dear?

No, no -- no sweat.

I'm just happy as a clam
to be eating with a Kn*fe again.

[ Chuckles ]

You know something, hon?
I'm beginning to like

that new look of yours.

Thank you, George.
You know, I've been thinking.

We -- we're just stuck
in a middle-age, middle-class,

middle-American rut.

What do you mean, stuck?

I'm about to become president
of the Colby rotary club,

a job not without its perks.

We'll get to sit right up front
at the pancake breakfast.

We never do anything
different.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

We're doing something
different right now, aren't we?

I mean, we're on this cruise.

That's because you won it
at the office, George.

If you hadn't sold
the most tractors

of anybody in Colby county,

we'd just have our vacation
like we always do,

crappie fishing
on lake pfister.

Compliments of the captain.

Oh, thank you.

Isn't that nice?

You know something,
sweetheart?

You're right.
We are in a rut.

And starting tonight,
we're breaking out.

After dinner, we'll go
dancing, then hit the casino

and take in a movie, huh?

And maybe we'll stay up
for the midnight buffet.

And then,
we'll go back to our cabin

and stay up
for the early bird breakfast.

You know what I mean?
Huh?

Oh, George.

Here's to George
and Mary Hammond.

Rut busters.

Go get your tools,
and we'll have a look at .

Karen, there's somebody
in that cabin.

I saw him standing in line
for the o'clock mermaid show.

He'll be gone for an hour.

I know that stamp is in there.
Now, go get your tools.

No, and I'm puttin'
my foot down.

You asked me to help
you look for the stamp.

We looked.
We didn't find it.

Now, let's forget it.

Fine.

I'll do it myself.

Okay. Stand back.

Let a professional do this.

You stood by me
all those years I was in prison.

I figure I owe ya.

This is a single-cylinder,
cadmium-plated, spring-throw

lock with a half twist.

Can you take it?

Sure, it's open.

Four, five.

Gopher.

Six, seven.

Gopher.

Eight, nine. What?

Gopher, I, uh,

I -- I would like to know
why I'm being paid

less than
the last photographer

and everybody else
in the crew.

Hmm?

Because you are new to the ship,

because you
are new to photography

and because there is
a company policy here

that we start new employees
at lower salaries.

Now, if you don't mind,

I am fighting for my life
here, all right?

Thirty -- thirty...

One...two...

Hi, ace.

Hi.

Why the long face?

It's a family trait.

No, I didn't mean...

Oh, uh, you mean
my expression.

Well, I just found out
that I'm being paid

less than the last photographer.

You are?

Mm-hmm.
You see, it's --

it's company policy
to hire new employees

at a lower salary.

That's strange.

When I was hired, I got paid
the same salary as Julie.

All right. All right.
That's it.

No more Mr. Rich nice guy.

[ Clattering ]

[ Clattering continues ]

Who's in there?

Open up.

Yes?

Who are you,

and what are you doing
in my cabin?

Cleaning lady, night shift.

My, you're a messy fellow.

This'll take an hour
to get done.

Why are you wearing a towel
over your head?

Steam cleaning.

Oh, hotter than heck in here.

What I can do for ya?

I left my pipe.

You left your pipe.

Yeah.

Let me go in...

black.

[ Both laughing ]

Yippee!

This is fun, isn't this,
sweetheart? Huh?

Oh, you know, it might be
more fun if we bet some money.

We could...

Oh, look at the time.

You know, if we don't hurry,
we're gonna be

late for the movie.

Okay. Uh, what's playing?

Oh, some nature flick
called "white giraffe."

Uh, they say the guy
who made it is on this cruise.

On second thought, George,
I'm tired.

Let's go to bed.

What about rut busting,

kicking up our heels,
being wild and crazy guys?

We can go back to the cabin,
take a nap for hours.

And then,
we can be wild and crazy guys.

Oh, come on, honey.

It's only o'clock.
Let's go to the movie.

red.

[ Cheering ]

Come on, George.
We're gonna miss the movie.

Oh, I love nature films.

You remember "born free,"
that Elsa the lion?

What an actress.

Gopher.

What?

Something strange has happened.

What?

Well, someone took one
of the cabins apart,

the lamps, the rug, everything.

You're kidding.

Oh, that's great.

That is all I need.

I got a guy who is
trying to ruin my life

over a butter receipt.

I got a ship full of big sh*ts

that want me to cater
to every one of their whims,

and now -- now I got people
that are tearing their cabins

apart -- that's great.

Whose cabin is it?

Mr. Douglas'.

Uh-oh.

I'm a dead man.

You know they took everything
apart screw by screw?

Wait a minute.

Did they take the air vents
out of the walls?

Yeah.
How did you know?

Hey, gopher, relax.

I know who did this.

Hope you enjoy your day
in cabo San Lucas.

Launches will be
leaving every minutes.

♪♪

Mrs. Hammond.

I saw the movie last night.
I loved your green hair.

You know, the worst part
was having to wear the wax lips

for so long.

Tell me, what did your husband
say about the movie?

Nothing.

He just went back to the cabin
and went to sleep.

Then everything's okay.

No, you don't know George.

When he's mad at me,
that's what he does.

He sleeps.

Well, I'd better take
the giraffe by the horns.

Well, good morning, George.
I didn't want to wake you.

Oh, sorry, I overslept.

Well, that's all right.

Uh, about the movie.

I know, it must have been
a terrible shock to you.

Damn right it was.

I mean, here I was
expecting animals,

and I get some
looney toon picture

about people watching TV.

I didn't know
what I was doing.

Well, of course you did.

You were the one
who didn't want to go.

I should have listened
to you.

Anyhow, I owe you an apology.

You do?

For what?

For falling asleep
at the movie.

I tried to be a wild
and crazy guy,

but I just couldn't
keep my eyes open.

Oh, George,
that's wonderful.

You mean you're not mad

because we didn't stay up
partying all night?

Oh, George,
we can party any night.

And we will,
tonight, I promise.

We'll even stay up
for the midnight buffet.

Oh, George.

You have made me
the happiest woman in the world.

Hmm?

Boy, that must be some buffet.

We looked,
and the stamp wasn't there.

What else can we do?

I suggest you do nothing,
Mr. Cooper.

I'm burl Smith,
the ship's purser.

Okay if I sit down?

Thank you.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Hello.

Someone is making a lot
of trouble on this ship,

and I would like
to help that someone,

like to help that some two,
before it's too late.

Are we communicating here?

Why, whatever do you mean?

He's onto us, Karen.

Let me -- let me try
to explain.

[ Exhales ]

I was a locksmith,
and an honest one.

Seven years ago,

I let a friend of mine
into his office late at night

to get his briefcase.

As it turned out,
it wasn't his briefcase.

Wasn't even his office.

He was using me
to help commit a burglary,

and we were both
sent to prison.

What's that got to do
with this ship?

While I was in prison,

my cellmate was a guy
named Jimmy briscoe.

He was in for stealing
the rarest stamp in the world.

An British guiana
worth $ million.

Jimmy was trying to make
his getaway onboard this ship,

but the cops picked him up
in Mexico.

So he hid the stamp
here on the Princess.

Right. We wanted
to find the stamp

and claim the insurance
company reward, $ , .

So you tore the cabin apart.

No, uh,
it was all my fault.

I -- we wanted to get
a little house again,

one with a garden.

When I went to prison,
we lost our -- our home.

We lost everything.

Yeah. It was everything.

But you didn't find
the stamp.

Okay, look,

I don't think
you mean any harm.

But no more breaking
and entering,

all right?

No --

oh, oh, you -- you have --
you have our word, right, Karen?

I promise.

Because a stamp that small

on a ship this big
could be anywhere.

[ Knock on door ]

Hi, Marina.

♪♪

We hope you enjoyed your day
in cabo San Lucas,

and we invite you to join us

in the international
lounge tonight

for the th cruise
celebration.

There will be
a special performance

by our love boat mermaids
and dancing till dawn

to the music of Peter duchin.

I'm feeling guilty
for bringing up

this whole salary thing.

But why?

Your salary shouldn't be based
on whether you're a man

or a woman...

Mm-hmm.

Black or white, young or old,
poor or filthy rich.

Well, you're right,
equal pay for equal work.

You guys make
the same salary.

We do?

Mm-hmm.

But I've been working here
for eight years.

Well, that's true, Isaac,
but I am cruise director.

Well, she's got
a point there.

But still, I've been
working here for eight years.

I -- I don't think
it's how long you've been here.

It's what job you do.

That would explain why doc makes
five times more than we do.

Five times?

Mm-hmm.

I loaned that guy bucks
last week,

and he still hasn't paid
me back.

So, Isaac, do you think
I should pursue the salary raise

as a matter of principle?

Who cares?

Anybody that makes that kind
of money should be able

to pay their debts.

And a joyous good evening
to you all.

Talk is cheap --
and so are you.

♪♪

It's a pretty big place.
Where do you want to start?

Didn't you tell me Jimmy
liked to hit on showgirls?

Yeah.

He spent so much time
backstage,

the dancers wanted to
throw him overboard.

Backstage.
That's where I'll start.

You check around here.

Okay.

Good evening.

Enjoy the show.

Hello.

A-ha.

How are you?

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ Instruments tuning ]

[ Band playing intro ]

Don't mind me.
Stage inspector.

[ Applause ]

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome
to a very special evening.

As we look back over the many
voyages of the pacific Princess,

we feel fortunate
to have crossed so many lives

and touched so many hearts,

and we look forward
to many more reunions

like this one.

Like any other family,
we've grown a lot,

and to help us celebrate
this th cruise,

we're proud to present
our newest additions.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the mermaids.

[ Applause ]

[ Dance music playing ]

♪ Party ♪

♪ we're going to celebrate ♪

♪ tonight ♪

♪ tonight's the night we're
gonna make it happen ♪

♪ make it happen ♪

♪ tonight we'll put
all other things aside ♪

♪ we shouldn't even
think about tomorrow ♪

♪ no, no, no, no, no ♪

♪ sweet memories will last
a long, long time ♪

♪ I want to love you,
feel you ♪

♪ wrap myself around you,
I want to squeeze you ♪

♪ please you ♪

♪ I just can't get enough ♪

♪ and if you move real slow ♪

♪ I'll let it go ♪

♪ I'm so excited ♪

♪ and I just can't hide it ♪

♪ I'm about to lose control ♪

♪ and I think I like it ♪

♪ I'm so excited
and I just can't hide it ♪

♪ and I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know ♪

♪ I like it, I like it ♪

♪ Look what you do to me ♪

♪ you got me burnin' up ♪

♪ oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ I'm so excited ♪

♪ I think you get it ♪

♪ and I just can't hide it ♪

♪ I've got to give it up ♪

♪ I'm about to lose control ♪

♪ and I think I like it ♪

♪ I'm so excited ♪

♪ look what you do to me ♪

♪ and I just can't hide it ♪

♪ you've got me burnin' up ♪

♪ and I know, I know ♪

♪ I know, I know ♪

♪ I know, I know ♪

♪ I like it ♪

[ Song ends ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheering continues ]

Oh...

[ Clamoring, gasping ]

Oh, my...

I must say, I never anticipated
seeing anyone in a few seconds

destroy something that took us
weeks to construct.

And just for a postage stamp.

I also understand
that you are the couple

who dismantled
Mr. Douglas' stateroom.

I had to tell him.
He's the captain.

Yes.

We confess.
We're the ones.

It -- it was all my idea.

If anybody has to go to jail,
please let it be me.

No one is going to jail,
Mrs. Cooper.

Oh...

Because no one
is pressing charges.

Purser Smith seems to feel
you didn't mean any harm.

However...

I may be taking your name

off the free cruise for life
drawing.

We kept our promise.

We didn't break and enter.

More like search
and destroy, sir.

And all for nothing.

$ , dollar reward
is not nothing.

The penny stamp

was found during one
of our remodeling stopovers.

It was?

It was?

But Jimmy gave me
this clipping.

It says the insurance company
is offering the reward.

That article
is two years old.

That's right.

We found the stamp last year.

The insurance company
insisted on no publicity.

Well...

I guess that's that.

Now I'm going
to enjoy my party.

[ Soft music playing ]

♪♪

[ Indistinct conversations ]

So I convinced Mary to tell
George the truth about her past.

Hmm.

Well, it looks like
he took it pretty well.

What?

You were one of those?

With green hair?

Well, honey, it was more of
a, like, a minty moss.

From a distance
it looked almost blonde.

And he wants to paint
your picture?

Ha ha ha!
Over my dead body.

Well, honey, you know,
this is a really big event.

It's going to be in the paper
and everything.

I look on it
as a real big honor.

And I look on it
as a disgrace.

No way a wife of mine is going
to have a picture painted by --

by that New York flake-ball.

I can just imagine what
the folks back home would say,

and how are you going to
explain this to our son, huh?

Well, I'm sure Chuck
will understand.

Your reputation
will be ruined.

Don't you mean your reputation
will be ruined?

I was right about you, George!

You're nothing but
a narrow-minded stuffed shirt!

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Excuse me.

Can I talk --

excuse me.

Thanks.

Excuse me.
Did you get a chance

to show Mr. Warhol,
uh, my photographs?

Oh, yes, he took a look.

Well, what'd he say?

Well, I think he said
that your photography

was the essence
of crass commercialism.

Oh.
He didn't like them.

Oh, on the contrary,
dear boy.

He loves
crass commercialism.

As a matter of fact,
he said,

"that's what makes america
great."

That's great.
Wait until gopher hears that.

Uh, hey, thanks,
Mr. Warhol.

Crass and commercial.
That ought to be worth a raise.

Uh, could I talk to you,
Mr. Warhol?

Excuse us.

Uh, Mr. Warhol,
I'm Mary's husband.

Mary?

Marina del Rey.

Oh.

Mary tells me that you want
to paint her picture.

Well, that's impossible.

Uh, it's nothing personal,
Mr. Warhol, it's --

it's just that we come
from two different worlds,

and don't get me wrong.

I'm flexible.

I mean, I could even go
for something like that.

If you could do that sort
of thing,

it would be a different story.

Well, that's mine.

No kidding.

That's good.

Thanks.

Hope you can get in
a little bit of the party, sir.

Mr. Smith, you know
why I haven't retired yet?

Wife doesn't want you
sitting around the house?

Wrong, Mr. Smith.

I haven't retired
because I keep telling myself

that your next audit
will be the one

where I nail you to the deck.

I think my dream, uh,
has come true.

Okay.

I confess.

I tried to be a nice guy
and throw a birthday party

for my pal, Isaac,

and I spilled some champagne
on a receipt,

and I left it out to dry,

and now that is why I cannot
account for a ton of butter,

and now you can retire,

and I can be fired.
There.

You happy now?

Butter receipt?

Are you, uh, are you
referring to this

piece of paper reeking
of...

[ Sniffs ]
...Dom perignon?

This was filed under "s."

That's what I did! I filed it
under "s" for spread.

Spread?

That's what I did,
and now I'm off the hook.

Wrong, Mr. Smith.

There is still
that one omission.

Sir?

You forgot to sign your report.

Now, if there's one thing
that I cannot stand

is that kind of stupidity.

It will not go unnoticed.

My humble apologies, sir.

Sign.

Yes, sir.

Mary.

I, uh, I've been acting
like a jackass.

I'm sorry.

Oh, George, I know how hard
this has been on you.

Listen, Mary...

I told Mr. Warhol that he
couldn't paint your portrait,

and then I got to see some of
the other work that he's done,

and I started thinking,

well, normal Rockwell
is dead,

and he's probably
the only other guy

who can do you justice.

Well,
what will the rotary think?

Well, Fritz allenson's wife

once posed for an auto parts
ad in a swimsuit,

and, uh, he served two terms
of office,

so I'll take the gamble.

Oh, George.

I have another confession
to make.

Oh, Mary, please.

I am just so glad I married you.

Oh... [ chuckles ]

Mm.

Come on.

Let's get back
to the party, huh?

[ Soft music playing ]

Trip's almost over,
and what have we got?

No stamp.

No money.

No nothin'.

We'll be all right.

I wanted you
to have a garden.

We'll get a window box.

[ Both laugh ]

Just like when we started out,
huh, kid?

Broke but happy.

Broke but happy.

Hey.

Listen to what the duchin
boy's playing.

♪ There's a small hotel ♪

♪ by a wishing well ♪

♪ I wish that we were there ♪

♪ together ♪

If I did have a wishing well,
you know what I'd wish for?

Hmm?

Nothing.

I have everything I want.

♪♪

Hey!

Hey.

Purser Smith...

Hey.
Whoa, whoa, purser Smith?

Wait a minute. Hey.

What's this purser Smith
stuff?

It's your old buddy
gopher right here.

Okay.
Okay, old buddy gopher.

I've given this a lot
of thought,

and I feel that it's only fair

that I receive the same salary
as the previous photographer.

You got it. Starting today,
you receive the same salary

as the previous photographer.

Well, since you're
in such a generous mood...

Isaac.

Gopher, I would like to say
that I feel Isaac here also

deserves a higher salary in view
of his outstanding service

during the past years.

Thank you, Judy.

Way to go.

Judy, that's a good point.

Isaac, this afternoon,

we will meet and go over the
entire salary situation, okay?

Because I love a happy crew,
okay?

[ Laughing ]

[ Door opens, closes ]

Maybe I should have asked
for a new camera.

[ Knock on door ]

Yes?

minutes to port, sir.

Oh, thank you, gopher.

Doing some research?

Yes.

I was curious
about that -penny stamp.

Do you realize
that it tripled in value

over the last few years?

Wow.

Just imagine
if it were a -penny stamp.

Million dollar stamp recovered
aboard pacific Princess.

I'm sure the line
would've loved the publicity

if the stamp
had ever been found.

What do you mean?

I had to stop the coopers
from tearing the ship apart

in the middle
of our anniversary cruise,

so I told them
a little white lie.

That stamp could be anywhere.

Well, going up to the bridge.

[ Door opens, closes ]

Could be anywhere?

And I just wanna say how honored
I am that you chose my wife,

Mary, to be the subject
of your portrait.

Maybe you two would like to get
together with us here in L.A.

Oh, Andy, we can't.

We're not
getting off the ship.

We've booked passage
on the very next cruise.

But you've already seen
the sights.

Hardly be worth getting
out of bed.

Exactly.

[ Laughs ]

Mr. Douglas, sir.

Yeah.

Little something in honor
of your retirement, sir.

You've got to be kidding.

I'm not gonna be retire.

What could be more fun

than watching
you fight for your life?

Thank you, sir,
for your honesty.

You're welcome.

So, until the next time.

There it is, the end
of the rainbow.

Not a pot of gold in sight.

There's the cabin

where you played wrecking crew
with the plumbing.

Somewhere in there,
there's a nightclub.

You put on a great show, kid.

Yeah. [ Laughs ]

Well, if that stamp
were on this ship,

we would've found it.

Yeah.

Larry.

Hmm?

The flags.

The flags.

Captain!

Captain!

Jimmy hid the stamp
in the picture!

We're rich!
Oh, captain, we're rich!

We're rich!

Wait a minute.
You said the stamp was found.

Well, uh, now it has been.

Oh!

Say, listen, why don't we
take this down

so you can collect your money?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

♪♪