09x10 - The Father of the Bride/The Best Man/Members of the Wedding

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

Dionne Warwick: ♪ love ♪

♪ love, exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ love is
life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be
making another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something
for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ love won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making
another run ♪

♪ welcome aboard ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard ♪

♪ it's love ♪

We'd like to welcome
all the guests

of the Ryan-springer wedding.

We hope you'll enjoy
your weekend cruise

aboard the pacific Princess.

Bon voyage and happy wedding.

Oh, thank you for the tour,
captain.

It was my pleasure,
Mrs. Ryan.

What a ship, what a beauty,
what a great place to work.

Ah.

Oh, I don't know what Ernie's
more excited about --

having our daughter's wedding

onboard ship or getting
to toot the ship's whistle.

Well, but weddings
and tootings

can both be
emotional experiences.

Just out of curiosity, how long
does it take to become a captain

of a ship like this?
-Well...

You'll have to excuse
my husband, captain.

He's just retired and he's
looking for a good hobby.

Oh, try golf.
You can pick your own hours.

Excuse me, ern.

Could I talk to you?

Oh, uh, captain,

I'd like for you
to meet my nephew, George...

-Thurlow.
-Hello, George.

This young man made it possible

for me to retire this year
at .

Ryan industries couldn't be
in better hands.

Oh, excuse me!

I see the flowers have arrived.
Right this way.

Ernie, uh, Mr. Ryan, uh,

I need to talk to you about some
of our foreign accounts.

George, relax.

We're here to have a good time.

Only Don corleone
does business at weddings.

[ Laughs ]

Seriously, Ernie,

I have an important decision
to make.

You don't need me for that.

Trust your instincts.

Let your gut be your guide.

Hey, a ballpark figure,
captain --

how much does a rig
like this cost new?

Boy, they certainly roll out the
red carpet for you, don't they?

I should get married more often.

I thought you were
right behind me.

Yeah, well, I was,
you see.

But then, I remembered I forgot
the the collar stays.

And you can't get married
without collar stays.

It's bad luck, very bad luck.

Look, I know you're afraid
of seeing Mr. Ryan.

Well, why shouldn't I be?
I mean,

the man threatened
to k*ll me.

You were dating his daughter.

You were a major jerk then.

He wasn't the only one
who threatened to k*ll you.

Welcome aboard.

I gotta get outta here.

Ah, thanks.
I'm Matt springer.

This is Kurt Duncan.
We're the, uh...

I know.

Looks like we got a reluctant
bridegroom on our hands here.

[ Chuckles ] Actually, i'm
the one who's getting married.

He's the reluctant best man.

No kidding?

Well, nice of him
to get the jitters for you.

Does he always look this pale?

The ring!
I forgot to get the ring.

Nice try.
Don't worry.

I'll get him
through this somehow.

Come on, buddy.

It's only a weekend.
You can make it.

Yeah, well, that's what they
said to the guys at the alamo.

You know, this means a lot
to me, having you here.

-Yeah, I know.
-I have no one else.

-No relatives...
-I know.

Except for my grandfather,
and lord knows where he is.

-I know.
-You're a good friend.

I know.

And as soon
as your future father-in-law

finds out I'm here,
I'm also a dead man.

I know.

Ho!

-Hey!
-H -- hey!

-Thanks.
-You bet.

Hello.
Bride's or groom's party?

Oh, don't bother,
honey.

The dink out there
gave me my cabin assignment.

-The dink?
-I think he means gopher.

Yeah, dip, dink, wimp,
gopher, whatever...

But I'd rather bunk
in with you, babycakes.

Well, I am flattered,
but, uh, company rules.

Listen, I won't tell
if you don't. [ Laughs ]

So, why don't you
whisper your room number

in my little, pink ear?
[ Chuckles ]

I'd rather eat dirt.

Okay. [ Laughs ]

'Scuse me.

Listen, uh, cupcake,
are you interested in,

uh, takin' a trip
to the moon on gossamer wings?

Huh?
-I'm the captain's daughter.

Ho-ho, hey! [ Laughs ]

You know, that doesn't
make you a nun, sweetie.

Bye.

[ Imitates g*nsh*t, laughs ]

She is interested.

Yeah.

Yeah, I can tell.

Listen, uh,
if you change your mind,

there's plenty of eldon Lundy
to go around.

You know what I mean?
[ Laughs ]

-Get lost.
-Yeah.

Hey, babe.

Yeah, you, babe.
You goin' my way?

Uh, babe, you...

[ Whistles ]
Yeah, you.

Great. Thank you.

Okay, hold it.
Look this way.

Big sm--

Lori!

Ace!

Is it really you?

Oh, what a wonderful surprise!
Ohh!

I never dreamed
you'd be at my wedding.

Oh, well, I -- I work here.

[ Both chuckle ]

Last time I saw you...

We were breaking up.

Right.
-Right.

But we wanted to date
other people.

No, you wanted
to date other people.

I was happy dating you.

Well, I -- I guess I just wasn't
ready to make any commitments.

Mm.

So, um,
are you seeing anyone special?

Well, not exactly.

I mean, not really.
Actually, no.

Oh, that's my ace,
never wanting to put down roots.

Oh.
-Mm.

I hope you find
that special girl someday.

Oh...

[ Ship horn blows ]

♪♪

[ Chattering, laughter ]

[ Laughing ]

Ah, so this is where
it's going to happen.

Oh, Judy, Vicki...
-Hi.

I want you to meet
my sister, Jackie.

-Hello.
-Hi.

Oh, so you're the maid of honor.

Or matron of honor.

I'm not sure which one
it is either.

I was married,
and then I got divorced.

Ah. You know,
I knew we'd hit a snag.

You just cannot find
a good wedding book

that covers divorce.
-[ Laughing ]

Listen, we were trying
to figure out

how much music it would take you
to get down the aisle.

Oh, believe me,
you won't need much.

I'm going to get down there
as fast as I can.

-Oh, good.
-Jackie?

Oh, Jackie?

Andrew?

Surprised?

Sickened.

Ah, a normal reaction.

I guess the last person

you'd expect to see
at your sister's wedding

is your ex-husband.

You know, daddy told me
he invited you to the wedding.

I just couldn't imagine why.

Jackie, I'm concerned about you.

It's been over a year
since our divorce was final.

Why aren't you seeing anyone?

There are hundreds of reasons.

You're still not over me.

That's not one of them.

Jackie, Jackie, you have to
stop blaming yourself

for the failure
of our marriage.

Why would I do that?
It was your fault.

Oh, I know what you're doing.

Putting up a brave front
so I won't feel guilty

for being so happy while
your life is in a shambles.

My life is not in a shambles.

Yes, it is.
And I'm overcome with guilt.

Oh, is there anything I can do?

Yes, there is.

Let me find you a man
before it's too late.

I'm sure that I can find someone
for you right here on the ship.

You really don't have to
do that, Andrew.

Someone's got to fill the void
that I've left you.

Spaghettios could fill
that void.

We would like to remind
the members

of the Ryan-springer wedding
that a bachelor party

is now starting
in the international lounge.

[ Applause, music playing ]

♪ Party ♪

♪ we got to celebrate ♪

[ Cheering ]

♪ Tonight ♪

♪♪

♪ tonight's the night
we're gonna make it happen ♪

♪ make it happen ♪

♪ tonight we'll put
all other things aside ♪

♪ we shouldn't even
think about tomorrow ♪

♪ no, no, no, no, no ♪

♪ sweet memories will last
a long, long time ♪

♪ I want to love you ♪

♪ feel you,
wrap myself around you ♪

♪ I want to squeeze you,
please you ♪

♪ I just can't get enough ♪

♪ and if you move real slow ♪

♪ I'll let it go ♪

♪ I'm so excited ♪

♪ and I just can't hide it ♪

♪ I'm about to lose control ♪

♪ and I think I like it ♪

♪ I'm so excited ♪

♪ and I just can't hide it ♪

Mr. Thurlow?
Uh, New York.

Oh, uh, I'll take
the call over there.

Mr. Ryan?

It's Ernie.

Tomorrow it's pop.

Or dad, or whatever's
comfortable for you.

Look, uh, Ernie,

I -- I just wanna thank you
for this incredible wedding.

Hey, what's money for?

Since it can't buy
you happiness,

it can at least
show you a good time.

What?
The Chinese rejected our bid?

Well, why?

Why would they want
to buy their phones from France?

Have you ever tried using
a French phone?

♪♪

Mr. Ry-- uh, ern--
uh, dad, uh,

I just hope our marriage
can be as good as yours.

Gwen and I found the secret
early on -- separate bathrooms.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, uh, by the way,

I, uh, hope you don't mind
that I didn't wrap your present.

Those are blank car keys.

When you pick out
the car you want,

we will have 'em grooved to fit.

Thanks!

♪♪

[ Cheering ]

Hmm.

Yeah. [ Chuckles ]

Are you a friend of the bride's
or the groom's?

Well, I'm kinda partial
to the female side,

if you know what I mean.

Huh, yeah.

Bet you do all right
for yourself, huh?

Hey, take a tip from the master,
always go to weddings.

It's a very fertile ground
for the rogue male.

Easy pickin's, huh?
-No kidding.

Yeah, I probably won't get
a wink of sleep this trip.

[ Laughs ]

[ Imitates g*nsh*t ]

That's for you, babe.

♪♪

♪ I'm so excited ♪

♪ I think you get to me ♪

♪ and I just can't hide it ♪

♪ I've got to give it up ♪

♪ I'm about to lose control ♪

♪ and I think I like it ♪

♪ I'm so excited ♪

♪ look what you do to me ♪

♪ and I just can't hide it ♪

♪ you've got me burnin' up ♪

♪ and I know, I know ♪

♪ I know, I know ♪

♪ I like it ♪

[ Song ends,
cheers and applause ]

[ Laughter,
cheering continues ]

Mr. Ryan.

Kurt.

Hey, nice party, very nice...

Let's get to
the bottom line.

Stay away from Jackie.
-Oh, is she here?

I...
-Don't play games with me.

I haven't liked you
since you dated my daughter.

You and your biker friends
were nothing but trouble.

I, mm, I don't see
those guys anymore.

Nobody sees 'em anymore.

They're all in jail.

Mr. Ryan.

That was a long time ago.

I mean, that was back
in high school.

I mean, people do change,
you know.

That's right.
I haven't.

If it weren't for the fact
that my future son-in-law

made you his best man,

I'd have you thrown off
this ship in a minute.

Well, I guess I got lucky, huh?

Just stay away from Jackie.

Her taste in men has changed.

Now she prefers a man
who can keep a job.

[ Knocking ]

-Who is it?
-It's daddy.

Daddy?

Hi.

Are you alone?

Of course I'm alone!

We have to have a talk.

I owe it to you as your father.

Oh, that's very sweet, daddy,

but I think you're talking
to the wrong daughter.

You want the bride,
not the divorcee.

No, I'm not talking
to the wrong daughter.

Your sister
doesn't need this talk.

Tomorrow she is marrying
a good man

who will take care
of her the rest of her life.

You had that chance, once.

Oh, daddy.
Please don't start this again.

I'm not starting anything.

I just wanna give you
a little piece of advice.

Don't take up
with Kurt again.

Kurt is here
because he's Matt's best friend.

Now, I didn't invite him.

And I have no intention
of seeing him.

Are there any other orders
for me?

I don't mean to be hard on you,
sweetheart.

But I thought that
you'd come to your senses

when you dumped Kurt
and married Andrew.

But I wasn't happy being
Mrs. Dr. Proctor.

How could you not be?

You had a nice house,
gorgeous clothes...

A lousy sex life...

Oh, uh...

You know I hate that kinda talk.

Predictable. Every time
he put on those silk pajamas,

i knew what we wanted.

All right. All right.

I'm leaving.

Glad we had this little talk,
daddy.

That was some bachelor party.

Those mermaids
are incredible!

-She could've been mine, doc.
-Oh, which one?

Uh, Amy, Patty, Jane,
uh, Suzie, Sheila, starlight?

-Lori.
-Lori?

-Yeah.
-Who's she?

What're we talkin' about?
-Lori's the bride.

We used to go steady,
until I foolishly broke it off.

You know, doc, you never realize
how great a woman you had

till she decides
to marry somebody else.

It's always a great relief
to me.

It means I can stop
paying alimony.

Why do you suppose
I couldn't take the final step?

Maybe you just weren't ready.

Ready?
That's my problem.

I'm never ready.

When they gave patton
the order to march, did he say,

"I'm not ready"?
No, he just did it

because he had the courage
to do what had to be done.

I've got no guts.

That's
why I'll always be single.

I've got no guts.

No guts, no Lori.

That man's been at sea too long.

-Where have you been?
-With your father.

Oh, what did he say?

He told me
to stay away from you.

Guess it's a little too late
for that.

Yeah, well, I guess it's
something we're going

to have to discuss
in the morning, isn't it?

Kids today,
they want the moon.

Well, why not?
We got it.

Didn't we?

Why don't we go to bed?

We don't wanna look baggy-eyed
for the photos tomorrow.

Uh, I -- I think I'd like
to knock off another chapter

in my civil w*r book.

Ernie, honey,
I just want you beside me.

We can hold each other and talk.

And that's as far
as it needs to go.

I'm sorry, Gwen.

I guess, when I retired,
everything did.

That's all right, honey.

There's more to making love
than just having sex.

Well, maybe the light
is better over there.

The doctor said that this kind
of thing happens sometimes.

And when it passes,
I'll still be right here.

I'll tell you one thing.

When I married you,

I got the moon, the stars,
the whole kit and caboodle.

Good morning!

It's a beautiful day
for a wedding.

Preceding
this afternoon's ceremony,

there will be a cocktail party
on the lido deck.

All ship's passengers
are cordially invited.

[ Grunts ]

Ed -- ed -- ed --

ed, will you listen to me?

It's time to liquidate.

It's the only way
we'll pay for those tractors

we lost in Central America.

So, um, let's start by unloading
the television stations.

They're playing nothing
but "Pete and Gladys" reruns,

anyway.

Ed, I know they're funny.

That's not the point.

Well, I don't know.

Look, somebody will buy them.

Call Marvin Davis.

Call Ted Turner.

They'll buy anything.

It's armageddon, ed.

Sell anything
that isn't tied down.

Get it?

[ Huffs ]

[ Exhales ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

I'm sorry,

Jackie'll have to continue
this conversation later.

She has to circulate.

Come, come, dear.
People are waiting.

Andrew, those people
are old friends of the family.

Jackie, you don't need friends.

You need a man.
Look around you.

There are women anxious to grab
anything that's available.

You need a head start.

Well, thanks for the vote
of confidence.

Now, you'll be pleased to know
that I've made sure that you

won't be wasting your time
on any losers.

Oh, goody!
Do I get the cream of the crop?

Whoa, that's right.

These men are top-drawer.

Now, I've broken them
down into two groups --

well-established professionals
and those just starting out,

but with what I feel is
a tremendous growth potential.

Should I meet them now,
or wait till they go public?

Your sarcasm is not lost on me,
Jackie.

I suppose I was foolish

to think that you'd appreciate
my efforts on your behalf.

Oh, Andrew.

I'm sure you've done
a swell job.

It's just that I'm not ready
to start dating yet.

Oh, don't give me that.

I can read you
like a cheap novel.

I know the real reason
you don't wanna meet anyone.

-You do?
-Mm-hmm.

You're self-conscious
about those extra pounds

that you're hauling around.
-What?!

Don't worry. Nobody else
but me would even notice.

Oh, I never could put anything
over on you.

Oh, what do you say?

You ready to take the plunge?

What the heck?
Let's give it a sh*t.

Oh, that's my gal.

Have fun with it!

Just go easy
on the hors d'oeuvres, okay?

[ Scoffs ]

Ah, Mr. Thurlow.

Would you like a glass
of champagne?

That's dom perignon.

Are you serving it to everybody?
-Yes, sir.

Mr. Ryan said he
wanted to go first-class.

Uh, well,
how much do you have left?

Oh, a couple of cases.

Don't open any more.

Stretch out what you've
got there with ginger ale.

Ginger ale?

Hey, fuzzy. Ha ha!

Did you get your watch yet?

-What watch?
-One of these beauties.

Mr. Ryan's giving one
to every guest.

But that's a rolex!

Yeah, big bucks, babe.
[ Laughs ]

Anybody got the right time?

-One-thirty.
-Ha!

-Okay.
-I may not live till : .

George, old buddy, uh, the hors
d'oeuvres not sitting well?

Uh, uh, uh, yeah.

Something like that.
Uh-huh.

Well, just stay
away from the clams, darling.

Oh! Norma!

Well, here is something
to make you feel better.

No! No, no, no, no, no!
I --

I couldn't possibly accept that.

Sir, it is time that
I told you the truth.

I've lost it all.

I gambled everything
and came up snake eyes.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

Come see me tomorrow.

We'll arrange for an advance.

Meanwhile, stay
outta the casino.

I'm shark meat.

Sir, there appears to be a man
adrift off the starboard side.

Attention, rescue crew.

Please report to the lido deck
immediately.

-Oh!
-[ Alarm wails ]

What's happening?
Is the ship sinking?

'Scuse me.
'Scuse me.

Hey, listen, we're not gonna
stick with that

women and children first
baloney, are we?

Sorry, ladies and gentlemen.
Step aside, please.

Get back from the rail, please.

We spotted a man
on an open boat.

We're picking him up.

Permission to come aboard, sir?

Permission granted.

-Ah!
-Are you okay?

We were lucky to find you
when we did.

Eh, it wasn't luck,
captain.

It was skillful navigation.

And, besides,
you didn't find me.

I found you. I planned
to intercept this ship.

Why?

Well, I wanted to go
to my grandson's wedding.

-What?
-[ Murmuring ]

Grandpa?

Matthew!

There you are!
Ha ha ha!

Look at you!
Look at you!

You grew!

Matt, what is so important?

I have to finish getting ready.

So, this is the little girl
that stole my grandson's heart?

Ha ha!
-Matt, who is this man?

Lori, I'd like you to meet
my grandfather, Eric springer.

Uh, I'm sorry I'm late.

But I was clear in the middle
of the kalahari desert

when I got word of the wedding.

And I wore out three camels
gettin' to the coast.

And I had to trade
all my ganji root for a boat!

Grandpa, how could you be sure
you'd intercept this ship?

Well, I wasn't sure.

But I figured I had a good sh*t
at it.

Mr. Springer,

I am really looking forward
to getting to know you.

But I have to finish
getting ready.

I'm gonna be late
for my own wedding.

The wedding...

But I -- I thought
the wedding was tomorrow.

I -- I -- I must still be
on zulu time.

Glad you could make it.

I was determined.

I, uh, I haven't made many
of these events in your life.

You haven't made it to any.

Yeah, I know.

It -- it seems I was always
on expedition or something.

I wanted to be grandpa.

But it just never
worked out that way.

I did miss you growin' up.

But it had
its advantages.

My shrunken head collection was
the envy of the neighborhood.

That reminds me.
I brought you something.

You remember that g*n bearer
of mine, bulu?

Oh, no.
Grandpa, please.

He sent you this shark's tooth
as a wedding present.

Think him for me, please.

Well, why don't you just
think him yourself?

Got you!

[ Laughs ]

[ Wedding music playing ]

[ Wagner's bridal chorus
playing ]

♪♪

Dear friends and family,

we are gathered for this joyous
occasion of holy matrimony.

If there is anyone here
who has reason

why this man and this woman

should not be joined together
in the bonds of holy matrimony,

let him speak now or forever
hold his peace.

I did have a few things
to say about courage.

But I haven't got the guys
to say 'em.

By the authority vested in me,

I now pronounce you husband
and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

[ Mendelssohn's
wedding march playing ]

Well, that about puts a lid
on it. She's gone now.

Tsk.

Tsk.

[ Cheering ]

[ Music continues ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Our reception
for the Ryan-springer wedding

is now being held
in the international lounge.

[ Jazz music playing ]

[ Song ends, applause ]

This is not a pretty picture.

A healer of the sick drowning
poor, defenseless baked goods.

Who cares?

Hey, what's got you so low,
buddy?

-It's Jackie.
-Ah, yeah.

Yeah, I heard you
tried to fix her up.

I introduced her to several
outstanding young men.

And do you know what she said?

"Hi, sailor. New in town?"

She said they were a bunch

of humorless stuffed shirts
who reminded her of me.

-Really?
-Mm-hmm.

I wanna help her.
Her life is so empty.

I should never have left her.

This is just a technicality,
you understand,

but didn't she leave you?

Semantics.

Andrew, old buddy, I just
might have an idea

that can get
you out of this mess.

Yeah, you see, what you gotta do
is you've gotta

introduce Jackie to someone
who's not at all like you.

I mean, someone
who's shiftless, worthless.

I mean, a real bum
who has no future at all.

Ooh! Ugh!

I don't understand.
What purpose would that serve?

Don't you get it?

You set her up
with a real low-life

and before you know it, she'll
be beggin' for a second chance

with one of your boys.

Ah!

Show her the seamier side
of life, so to speak.

Yeah, exactly.
Now you're thinkin'.

-Ah!
-But the seamier, the better.

Ah, ooh, makes sense.

To Jackie's future.

To Jackie's future.

It looks like the kids
are all grown up

and starting out on their own.

A day of mixed emotions
for fathers the world over.

Grandfathers too,
for that matter.

Seems like only yesterday,
Lori started walking.

She was months old,

and I had just opened
a small appliance store.

I was out in patagonia
when Matt took his first step.

Couldn't get out of there
because of a dust storm.

It lasted days.

Hmm.

I remember her first day
of school.

She was so excited.

And that was the year
I got my first patent.

I was climbin' annapurna
about then.

I remember,
I got back to base camp

and a sherpa guide handed me
Matt's first report card.

Had to defrost it
before I could read it.

And her graduation,

that was the year of my first
public stock offering.

My little girl was all grown up.

I was out
in Borneo dodgin' headhunters

and wishing that I'd gone
to Matt's graduation.

Memories.

Memories.

[ Chuckles ]

What would we do without 'em?

♪♪

I can teach you some new steps
in the dance of love.

I can k*ll you
with my bare hands.

I can respect that.

Psst.

Listen, uh, why don't we go
down to your cabin

and have
our own bon voyage party?

Is this a joke?

I -- wh...

Don't you know who I am?

The girl of my dreams.

I'm the bride.

The bride?

The bride.

Hey, well,
don't let that worry you.

Gee, a lotta people are
wearin' white these days.

Come on, relax, it's your last
chance for a little fun.

I think I have to talk to Matt
about his taste in friends.

Hiya, dreamboat.

Okay! I forgot.

We've met.

Well, Lori's off
on her new life.

I'm still
on the dating treadmill.

Welcome to the club.

Women -- women just use me
and discard me.

In my case, they use me,
marry me and then discard me.

Ah, it's my fault, really.

I've gotta start demanding
more from my relationships.

Right now women
just see me as a sex object.

Ace, there's hope.

There's bound to be one woman
out there who wouldn't treat you

as a sex object.

You just have to go out
and find her.

-You really think so?
-I'm sure of it.

And while you're looking,

think of all those wonderful,
meaningless relationships

you can have.

Hey. What a party, huh, George?

Yep, I just realized,
George,

now that I've married off
my youngest daughter

I am truly a man of leisure.

Glad you could come.
Oh, there you are, George.

Sit down, darling.

Come join the party.

You haven't danced
with the bride once.

Uh, it -- it just
wouldn't be right, aunt Gwen.

Oh, come now.

It's true.
Cousins can't marry.

But they can dance
all they want to.

Maybe later.

Well, all right.
Ooh.

That looks delicious.

I think I'll have one.

Waiter!

Oh, waiter!

After years,

I'm more convinced than ever
that I made the right choice.

Sir?

Sir?

I just want you to know that
I accept full responsibility

for everything
that's happened here.

Well, we should give Gwen
some credit.

She spent a lot of time
with the caterers.

I'm not talking
about the wedding, sir.

It's Ryan industries.

[ Whispers ]
You're bankrupt.

-Pardon me?
-You're bankrupt.

You're broke.
No money, we're through.

This isn't one of those great
big practical jokes, is it?

No, sir. You know I have
no sense of humor.

All those years of work,
and I'm broke?

Shh!

I lost you $ million.

I -- I -- I -- I -- I should --
I should get out of business

and get into government.

Sir, I would --
I would not blame you

if you had me trotted
out there and sh*t.

George.
George, you're family.

Of course,
I will consider all options.

Well, after extensive
research,

I have discovered only two
real losers on the ship.

Someone named eldon Lundy
and you.

Come on.
I'll introduce you to Jackie.

Jackie, I would like
you to meet a friend of mine.

This is Kurt Duncan.

Kurt, this is Jackie Ryan.

Kurt here is your basic, uh,

dropout, late-blooming
underachiever type.

Nice to meet you.

So, what do you do?

Ah, well, actually,
I'm pretty much of a deadbeat.

Fascinating.

Uh, why don't we go someplace
private so we can

get to know each other?

Okay.

Don't worry.
I'll take care of it.

You run a tight ship,
captain.

Well, coming from a sailor
like you,

that's quite a compliment,
Mr. Springer.

Uh, Eric. Eric.
Unless you prefer to call me

what they called me down
in the marianas. Gumbala!

Gumbala?
What does it mean?

-"Goat face."
-[ Laughs ]

Now don't laugh.
It's quite an honor.

Those natives are very proud
of their goats.

Well, Eric,
I really admire your exploits.

Sailing around the cape
of good hope in a dinghy,

through the straits
of Magellan in a kayak.

I mean, that's magnificent.

Now, I'm sure an old salt
like you has had experiences

that were just as exciting.

Uh, running this ship
is a full-time commitment.

It does get a little hairy
now and then.

But, captain,

don't you long for the challenge
of the open sea?

I mean, wouldn't you like
to take ol' father Neptune

and just wrestle him
to a standstill and win?

Well, I've always wanted
to sail in the Catalina

to long beach race.

Alone, of course.

Well, then do it.

Just do it.

There's a whole world out there
just waiting to be conquered.

Do it, man.

Thanks...gumbala.

[ Cheering ]

Okay, here we go,
big smile on three!

Three!
[ Laughs ]

I am a person,
not a sex object. Okay?

Okay. Ha!

Yeah, I love it when they
play hard to get like that.

Ooh, that's a terrific gimmick
for pickin' up women.

-What's that?
-Camera. Uh-huh.

This is not a gimmick.
I am the ship's photographer.

Yeah, I know what you mean.
Huh? [ Laughs ]

Listen,
how come you let that,

uh, cutie slip through
your fingers like that?

You got somethin' better
goin' for yourself?

Huh? [ Laughs ]

Wait a minute.

Don't tell me.
I saw the way

you were lookin' at her.
Yeah.

You scored with the bride,
didn't you? [ Laughs ]

You know, I took a sh*t
at her myself this afternoon.

I came that close.

-You propositioned the bride?
-Yeah, I sure did.

You know, I like to go
for that gusto, babe.

Hey, can I
talk to you privately?

-Yeah.
-Yeah, sure. Come on.

Yeah, an awkward guy
like yourself

is gonna have trouble
with women.

[ Punch lands, thud ]

More wine?

-I wanna go back to the party.
-Wait, whoa!

No, no, no, no.
Jackie, come here, now.

You've had
a little too much to drink.

I think you oughta go back
to your cabin

and lie down for a while.

Will you stay with me?

Yes.

Oh, you're so good to me.

Mm. Mm!

[ Bell dings ]

[ Laughing ]

Oh...

What the hell is going on here?

-They're kissing.
-I can see that.

I want an explanation,
right now.

All right, daddy.

♪ My secret love's ♪

♪ no secret anymore ♪

What was that?

Um, I think it's
called "secret love."

Doris day sang it
in "calamity Jane," remember?

Very good, mother.

I knew there would be trouble

if you two got anywhere
near each other.

I should've thrown you
off this boat yesterday.

Well, it wouldn't have
made any difference.

By that, sir, I --

what I mean is,

Jackie and I are married.

I'll k*ll you!

Oh, now calm down,
Ernie.

Just look at them.
They love each other.

Can't you see that?
They always have.

Why are you on their side?

There are no sides, darling.

They belong together.

You knew all about this,
didn't you?

Yes.

We were just waiting for
the right moment to tell you.

Here's a hot tip -- there never
would've been a right moment.

Oh --

Ernie...

♪♪

Ernie, I didn't tell you
about Kurt and Jackie

because I had hoped
that this trip

would give you a chance
to get to know him better.

I know him fine.

He's still the same bum who
didn't even finish high school.

Oh, well, so what?

Neither did you, and look
how your life has turned out.

Oh! Yeah, look at it.

I busted my chops
for years.

You know what I've got
to show for it?

-Nothing.
-Oh, what are you talking about?

Ryan industries is bankrupt.

You mean we're broke?

Flat, penniless...

When this ship docks,
we'll have to take the bus home.

Oh, dear.

I guess this means I'll have
to do housework again.

I wonder where consuelo
keeps the vacuum.

Honey, I turned down the bed.

I'll be out in a minute!

[ Knock on door ]

-Matt, we have to talk.
-Uh, now?

We never had that
father and son talk

that all fathers and sons
have.

But --
but you're my grandfather.

It's all the same.

It's the same talk, at least.
-It's all right, grandpa.

I had a very good biology
teacher in high school.

Well, out in the gobi desert,

fathers and sons
go off and talk for weeks.

Look, it's late.

It's my wedding night.

Can't this wait
till another time?

Well, maybe the talk can.

But this can't.

Uh, honey, I think grandpa
brought us a wedding gift.

First, you have to wear this.

-When?
-Where?

Here. Now.
It's a fertility chain.

Uh, grandpa, we really
appreciate the thought.

It's just that --
-Matthew, now, in my own way,

I'm trying to bless this union.

Let me do this.

Of course.

We'd like that, grandpa.

Thank you.

[ Shouting in foreign language ]

[ Chanting ]

Penny for your thoughts.

I'll take it.
We could use the money.

You know, I was thinking about
when we were first married.

We'd sunk $ into that
rubber stamp business.

When that went under,

the feeling I had then
is the feeling I have now.

Five hundred dollars.

We spent more than that
this weekend on wedding napkins.

Whether you lose $
or $ million,

you're still
back at square one.

We had $ million?

Oh, Gwen, please.

The point is,
I've lost it all before,

and I've bounced back.

I have gone from chapter
to fortune .

I'm the Lazarus of businessmen.
-Oh, Ernie.

Honey,
I know you can do it again.

It's just a shame

that you're gonna have to
give up your retirement.

Ah, Gwen, I'm bored silly.

I've read.
I've whittled.

I've gardened.

The biggest decision
I've faced in the last months

was when to fertilize.

It's funny how you always
talked about getting away

from the pressures
of business.

Yeah, but I got away from
the fun and the excitement too.

Oh, what I would give
for a good labor dispute.

You're not going to growl,
are you?

I might.

I am back in the game, Gwen.

We'll find a new idea
and then start clean.

Ernie, there's a fire
in your eyes.

That's
because the boiler's working.

Eh, there's another feeling
that I've had before.

Right before the girls
were born.

Oh, Ernie!

♪♪

[ Ship horn blows ]

You know, I'm really sorry
the way things turned out.

Oh, look at the bright side.

Even if daddy disinherits me,
I haven't lost anything.

The Ryan family's
flat broke.

And I thought we'd never
have anything in common.

-Hmm.
-Kurt!

Now, look, Mr. Ryan,

there is no use in trying
to keep us apart anymore.

I love Jackie.
She loves me.

And that's all there is to it.

Nothing you do or say
can change the way we feel.

Is it my turn to talk?

First of all, I don't want
you to change the way

you feel about each other.

Take it from me,
love goes a long way

in getting you
through the tough times.

Daddy, what are you saying?

What I'm saying is,
for what it's worth,

I want you to know
you have my blessing.

Well, it's worth
a great deal.

Oh, thank you, daddy.

And I want you to know I'm gonna
throw you a great big party.

As soon as I figure out
how to pay for this wedding.

Take care of her, you hear?

You've got my word, sir.

Andrew.

Excuse me.

What just happened here?

Andrew, listen.

Don't worry about it.
Just leave everything to me.

You see, Jackie is bound to come
to her senses any day now.

And when she does,

you better have that list
of eligible men available.

[ Both laugh ]

-Oh, I love you.
-I love you.

We hope you enjoyed
your cruise.

We would like to wish
the newlyweds a happy life.

♪♪

[ Ship horn blows ]

Hey, cutie.

I know a terrific place
where we can get a fabulous,

candlelit dinner
for a very reasonable price.

Oh? Where?

My place. Ha ha.

You interested?

Only if it's for sale.

Okay.

Maybe I'm not comin' on
strong enough.

Yeah, that's it.

There you are.
I've been lookin' for you.

I have another wedding present
for you two.

Uh, more dancing?

No, no, no.

Two airline tickets to Africa.
-[ Gasps ]

I thought you might like
to join me in Nairobi

and see how I live.

-Oh, we'd love to.
-Good.

Now, remember, where I am,
clothing's optional.

Take care of each other.
I love you.

Well, the wind's fair.

And I gotta be off on the tide.

Love you both.

Oh, thank you both so much
for everything.

The wedding went off
without a hitch.

Well, I was a little worried
when the singer got the hiccups.

But he covered beautifully.
-[ Chuckling ]

Any more takers
for the African trip?

You know, it's more
the merrier

out there in the bush.
What do you say, Gwen?

No, oh, Gwen and I
are starting a new project.

But George here could use
a little r & r.

What do you say, George?

Well, actually, I was thinking
more like palm Springs.

Oh, come on, George.

You could use a change
of scenery,

help mend that ulcer of yours.

Well, that settles it, then.
Come on, George.

Now, about that ulcer,
I've got a witch doctor friend

out in Malagasy
that can cure it in days.

Of course,
you gotta bring your own viper.

Viper?

[ Laughs ]

Thanks again, captain.

You keep this tub afloat
and we'll be back soon.

-It'll be our pleasure.
-Thank you.

-Bye-bye.
-Thanks for sailing with us.

-Oh, dad...
-Hmm?

What's this?

Oh, it's just a gift from Eric.

Oh, you know,
he told me about that.

The basotho tribesmen
believe it restores hair.

Oh, really?

You knew that.

Well, no. No, I didn't.

I just thought it was a cute
little thing.

Oh, really?

♪♪