09x12 - Hippies and Yuppies/Frat Wars/Return of the Lambdas

[bunniefuu]

[Theme music playing]

♪ Love ♪

♪ love, exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ love is
life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making
another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something
for everyone ♪

♪ set a course
for adventure ♪

♪ your mind
on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ love won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making
another run ♪

♪ welcome aboard ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard
it's love ♪

[Gopher on pa] We would
like to welcome the members
of lambda rho delta fraternity

and their sister sorority,
delta rho chi.

We hope you enjoy
your cruise.

Hello.

Hello.

We're the bells,
buddy and Betty.

I know: It's just too cute
for words, but we've learned
to live with it.

We're here for
the lambda rho delta
convention.

Oh, of course.

And you're the couple
who wanted a cabin next
to the davises.

Is Mr. Davis
a fraternity brother of yours?

We were all
best friends in college.
We haven't seen them for years.

We all went to
Woodstock together.

Our picture
was in life magazine.
"Nudes for peace."

[Betty laughs]

Buddy?

[Exclaims, laughs]

Oh, you two look terrific!
How have you been?

Just great.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, Larry.

You haven't changed a bit.

I mean, not at all.
[Chuckles] Nothing.

Yeah, well,
neither have you.

I mean, you got
a suit and tie, but, uh,

you kinda look like, uh--
like my father.

This is--
this is great.

This is terrific,
isn't it?

Yeah.

Just great.

Why us?

Why can't this fraternity
hold its convention

on something that can
withstand the shock?

Oh, captain, I assure you
there's absolutely
nothing to worry about.

The lambdas are
a great group of guys.

I ought to know.
I was one at dartmouth.

But a lot has happened
since you were in college.

Like what?

Animal house.

Will this ship be satisfactory,
honorable exalted president?

Mr. Dickford,

queen Elizabeth,
President Reagan and the pope
have sailed on this ship.

True, but I know
how particular
you are, sir.

Hello.
I'm captain stubing.

Ah. Grant woodrow,

head of the lambda
alumni association.

Yes, and he'll be staying with
us Baxter university lambdas,
as per my request.

You're not planning on
sleeping at the foot of my bed,
are you, dickford?

Only if
you want me to, sir.

If there's anything I can do to
make your stay more comfortable,
please let me know.

Super, but all
we need right now
is the barber shop.

We're all getting
a tad shaggy.

Gentlemen.

And you were expecting
animals.

[Air horn blaring]

[Men grunting rhythmically]

Ooh.

Are you
captain stubing?

If I say no,
will you leave my ship?

Sorry for the disruption.
I'm Eric Matthews,

president of
lambda rho delta's
scu chapter.

[Chanting] We are scu!
We are scu!

We are scu!
We are s--

i-I'm very pleased
to meet you.

Uh, this is ace Evans,
a former lambda.

All right, lambdas!

[Air horn blaring]

[Blares twice]

And our ship's
photographer.

He'll be taking pictures
for the insurance claim.

[Chuckles]

Captain, these guys
are harmless. Trust me.

They're just
a little overexcited about
the cruise, that's all.

Matthews, let's get
to our rooms.

This thing,
it's starting to leak.

Leak?

Yeah.

Why would it leak?
What do you have in there?

You used the sacred
ark of the lambdas
for a beer cooler?

Sure.

I want you to take it up
to the cabin, clean it out

and guard it with your life
until after the ceremony.

All right, Matthews.
Don't deviate your septum.

We are scu! We are scu!

We are scu!
We are scu!

So, uh, how are
the women on the ship?

Are they as easy
as drama majors?

Harmless. Trust me.

So one or two of the chapters
are a little wild.
I say we go with it.

[Air horn blaring]

[Shouting, exclaiming]

[Vicki screams]

[Ship's horn blows]

[Panicked shouting]

[Air horn blares]

Okay, best party?

Oh, that's easy:
New year's Eve, .

[Laughs]
Worst hangover?

[All] New year's day, .

[Betty] Oh, I have one,
I have one.

Best restaurant
for midnight munchies?

-Chang's, home of
chow mein on a bun.
-You got it.

How did we eat
that garbage, huh?

What, this from the guy
that used to bribe Chang
for the recipe?

Best English professor?

Oh, that's easy:
Doddering Dr. Dixon.

He never assigned papers.
He never gave exams.

All he did was read aloud
from the collected works
of Charles dickens.

"It was the best of times,
it was the worst of times."

[Chuckles] You know,
we didn't realize it,

but those really were
the best of times.

Hey, give me a break.
That was college,
not the renaissance.

All right, all right,
but you can't deny
we had some terrific times.

Hey, I'm not.
But it was only four years
out of our lives.

I've come a long way
since the student strike
for coed dorms.

Can't we talk about
what we're doing now?

Hey, the student strike.
I forgot all about that.
You remember?

I haven't.
I was leading the sit-in

in front of the library
when they turned
the water hoses on us.

I remember now.
The water pressure
ripped off your blouse.

Yeah, and you didn't even move.
I mean, talk about dedication.

Talk about humiliation.
Nobody noticed.

Banzai!

You imbecile!

You-- you splashed water
on my swimsuit!

Yeah.

Now I'll have
to change!

Okay, hockstein,
out of the pool.

Hey, but--

now!

Okay.

Be right with you.

Hi. Mind if I sit down?

Uh, no. Be my guest.

So you want
to get naked?

Excuse us.
He's on a mutant
exchange program.

And he looks so humanoid.

It's done
with silly putty.

Do you understand English?

A little.

Touch one of the women
on this ship,
and I'll k*ll you.

Okay.

So, you want
to get naked?

Didn't you hear
what I just said?

I can't help it.
Major yabos.

Look, zit,
if they want to get naked,
they'll let you know.

[Woman screams]

[Screams]

All right. That's it.

[Men clamoring]

That's it. Everybody
out of the pool.

Hey. Hey.
Out of the pool.

Everybody over here.
Guys, come here.

I thought I made it clear
to you idiots

that we can't cause
any trouble on board.

May I remind you
that our chapter
is on probation?

Yeah.

We know that.

Then act like it.

[Belches] Sorry.

Get out of here.

Hockstein.

Yeah.

Who's guarding
the ark of the lambdas?

Feldman.
We tied him to it.

Good.

You there.

I'm Nolan dickford.

President of the Baxter
university chapter.

Oh, I'm Eric Matthews--

I know.

Matthews, your chapter
is a disgrace

to the entire
lambda rho delta
tradition,

not to mention
the world.

Well, we do what we can.

You see, most of us
who have devoted our lives
to lambda rho delta

did so because
of the benefits
that come from being

a member
of a prestigious
fraternity.

Thanks to you
and your riffraff,

we're going to have
a difficult time

getting a job with
any of the fortune .

Oh, sorry.
I seem to have dozed off
while you were speaking.

Do us all a favor

and affiliate
with an organization
more suited to your style.

Perhaps hells angels.

Always good
to meet a brother.

[Stubing on pa] May I have
your attention, please?

For those of you
who have been making out
in the lifeboats,

I'd like to remind you
that these are safety devices

and are absolutely
off limits.

[Air horn blaring]

And I want
all those air horns
in my office immediately.

Now, how much of this stuff
should we dump in?

Well, let's see.

They recommend
a quarter cup
for one load.

Eight hundred boxes.

Nolan,
what makes you so sure

the scu guys are gonna
get blamed for this?

Elementary,
Mr. Carnegie.

[Soft jazz music playing]

Okay, that's .
All you need is one more.

One more, you're gonna
make us all famous.

One more
for the record books.
Come on.

This is getting out of control.
I've got four people
in the infirmary already.

Hangovers?

Well, three sunburns

and what appears to be
a case of third-degree hickey.

Seventy-two.
Do it to it.

Okay, hey, guys, guys.
Guys, listen.
Wait a second. That's it.

Get him out of here
before he explodes.

Come on.

He's a champion.

Come on, come on.

Oh, and look:
Here's our cabin.

Larry built it.

We have a wonderful view
of taos.

Honey, show them
a picture of our condo.

When the smog is light,
you can see all of la.

Hmm.

Oh, you live
in a high-rise, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, we have
excellent security.

Oh, so do we.
See, nobody lives around us.

[Chuckles]

Must get kinda lonely.

Well, we like it better
than the crowded city.

The city is
where it's happening.

Uh-- you know, you look
very nice tonight, Larry.

Yeah, this is probably
the most dressed up I've been

since the premiere
of easy rider.

[Betty chuckles]

I love this necklace
you sent me, Larry.

You do beautiful work.

Oh, thank you.

Each one of those stones,
by the way, are blessed
by an old Indian priest.

Well, I think
it's time for dinner.
Shall we go inside?

Oh, buddy,
Betty tells me

you had something
specially prepared
for all of us.

Right. I had them do
the lamb with a special
dar maghreb curry

like I do at home
in the microwave.

Oh, the microwave.

Doesn't that
put out radiation
and poison the body?

No, it puts out heat
and cooks the food.

[Bubbling]

So, will you come?

Well, I don't know.

Hmm.

How many people
are gonna be
at this party?

Oh, it's hard to tell.
These things have a way
of mushrooming.

Before the mushroom,
how many?

Uh, counting Amy?

Mmm.

Um... ooh. Three.

And let me take
a wild guess:

It's gonna take place
in your cabin.

Right. But, um,
we're gonna have to keep
a very low profile about this.

Yeah, that's no easy thing
when you've got a profile
like hockstein's.

We have to do a show
in an hour,

and afterwards
we're really pretty tired.

Yeah,
and we hate parties.

So what do you think?

I don't know.
We are gonna
have to come up

with some great way
to impress these girls.

Girls like guys
with a sense of humor.

Mm-hmm.

I got some fake vomit
in my room.

Hmm. Nope.

We are gonna have to
come up with something
even better than that.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Oh, good.

Maybe I can get
some work done
in this madhouse.

Help! Maintenance!
Housekeeping!

Somebody!
Send a plumber!

[Soft jazz playing]

Would you
like to dance?

Oh, I'd love to.

My name is--

I know. Eric Matthews.

I've had my eye on you
since this cruise started.

I'm Connie disch.
Delta rho chi?

A sorority sister.

In the flesh.

[Both chuckle]

[Song ends]

[Funky jazz music playing]

I, um... I think
I'd like to sit this one out.

Okay.

No. Um, I mean out, out.

It's a little stuffy
in here.

Do you mind if we take a walk
in a more secluded place?

[Chuckles] Are you kidding?
Compliance is my middle name.

Mine's Wendy.

Oh! You know,
this is fun.

I think we're
in pretty good shape
for a bunch of old-timers.

Betty and I go down
to the health club
every other day.

I owe these thighs
to my aerobics instructor.

Larry and I work out too.

It's a hundred-yard hike
to our well
for our spring water.

Isn't it crazy how we've started
an entire fitness industry

to do exactly
what primitive man
did naturally?

It's easier to go down to
the health club than it is to
drag Betty around by the hair.

I think we've progressed
beyond that point.

Are you saying
that I'm a neanderthal

because I don't belong to
one of your flesh academies?

Actually the fitness center
is a very serious health club.

We have a -hour
nutrition counselor.

Yeah, the people who go there
are really into health.

But it is a bit
narcissistic, isn't it?

I mean,
mirrors on the walls
and leotard boutiques--

now, hold it just a minute.
Are you calling me narcissistic?

Oh, no, buddy.

I think what Larry means
is just that

people from southern
California tend to

be more conscious
of their physical
appearance.

Uh-huh. Yeah, well,
I guess when you live
on a mountaintop,

it doesn't really matter
what you look like.

Hey, wait a minute,
buddy.

I'm not into confrontation.
I'm out of here.

Wow. He could use an hour
in the gym to work off
some of that hostility.

Oh, yeah? Maybe
you'd like to lend him
your workout tape.

You know, I thought
I'd seen everything,

but that guy
was the last straw.

I'm gonna put a sign
in all the bars that say
"no pants, no service."

Funny, I didn't
notice it right away.
Probably because of his tan.

[Woman] Ladies and gentlemen,
the international lounge is
proud to present the mermaids.

[Upbeat pop music playing]

Don't you want to see
the lounge show?

No.

I didn't know
I was this easy.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm coming on
a little too strong,
aren't I?

Well, a little.

Do you want me to stop?

What-- what was
the question?

[Pop music continues]

You know, in my day,
the lambdas had more respect
for women's clothing.

This is not to say that
the occasional pledge didn't
dabble in brassiere trafficking,

but these men--
these men were
good students.

Petit déjeuner, honorable
exalted president.

I took the Liberty
of sectioning
your grapefruit myself.

I know how fussy you are
about the membranes.

[Stifled laughter]

Let it rest, dickford.

What are you laughing at,
Matthews?

You're gonna pay
for that soap suds prank.

We had nothing
to do with it.

We're innocent, sir.
We were drinking
and chasing women. Honest.

I've about had it
with you guys.

Painting "scu"
on the lifeboats,

setting off
the ship's fire alarm,

putting exploding cigars
in the gift shop.

-That's a good one.
-Look, one more shenanigan,

one more disruption,
and you guys are out
of the fraternity.

Sir, we were
not responsible
for any of that.

Oh, no? [Scoffs]

These were found
in the ship's pool.
Huh? Huh?

How do you
explain that?

My hat!

I've never seen this
before in my life.

You know, if I had my way,
you guys would never
have had custody

of the sacred
ark of the lambdas
to begin with.

But tradition has it
that each chapter must
have it for a year.

I'm just glad
that this year's over with.
Now, get out of here!

Sir...

You gonna eat that?

Get out of here!

Well, you heard him.

Thanks to you guys,
we're practically history
in this fraternity.

We're sorry, Eric.
We can't help it.

It's just that
when you're not around,
we kinda lose control.

Yeah. We become ourselves.

And what's with the soap suds
thing? That's juvenile
even for you guys.

Uh-uh.

No, we had nothing
to do with that. I swear.

-You swear?
-I swear.

You know,
I think someone's
trying to frame us.

Yeah.

And I think
it's fairly obvious
who that someone is.

[Stubing] They put a stink b*mb
in the air-conditioning duct?

Adam, I'm getting tired
of all this foolishness.

Well, I finally got
all the soap suds
cleaned up, sir.

So, no harm, no foul.

Right.

Sir, I think the pool
should be off limits
to those guys.

And the lounge.

And the dining room.

I'd better check
the infirmary.

Is there any way
we can close off
the passageways?

Captain, you're gonna
restrict the lambdas

to their cabins
for the rest of the cruise?

Yeah. Now the only
remaining question

is whether their doors
should be locked
or unlocked.

They're just having fun.
That's all.

Come on.
You guys went to college.

Don't you remember
what it was like
to have fun?

No.

Come on, captain.

You once told me
you were a member
of a fraternity.

Didn't you guys ever do anything
just for the fun of it? Hmm?

Well-- [clears throat]
There was one time,
actually...

[Laughs] I knew it.
All right, what did you do?

No, no, no.

Come on. Open up.
What was the big stunt?

Well, we, uh, loosened
the top of the salt shakers
in the cafeteria.

That's pathetic.

Mmm.

These kids are dangerous.
Lock their doors.

I'm with you, sir.

Now, look, captain,
the cruise is almost over.

I'm sure that the lambdas
have pulled all the stunts
they're gonna pull.

Captain, I know
in the bottom of my heart

that when you think this over,
you're gonna give the lambdas
another chance.

I'll see to it
these are recycled, sir.

[Cans clattering]

[Gopher on pa] Good morning,
and welcome to acapulco.

Land tours will be
leaving in ten minutes
from the coral deck gangway.

We hope
you'll enjoy your day.

By the way,
for you college men,

please note that
maritime law defines

unauthorized use
of the ship's launch
as an act of piracy.

[Men] Power to the pyramid.
Power to the pyramid.

Power to the pyramid.
Power to the pyramid.

Power to the pyramid.
Power to the--

excuse me, but, uh,
what are you guys doing?

Initiating horvath.

How does he feel
about that?

He likes it. See?

Horvath--
oh, oh, uh, uh!

Try that again,
and you don't get to see
the dance of the virgins.

[Chuckles]
See you later.

Power to the pyramid.
Power to the pyramid.

Power to the pyramid.
Power to the pyramid.

You see, I just don't
understand why they have to
do all these crazy stunts.

In my neighborhood,
the loser used to wear
the bandages.

It's tradition.

When I went to med school,
they made us dress up
like women

and try to pick up men
at the pfister hotel.

[Chuckles]

Educated men did that?

Isaac, you've gotta learn
to be more tolerant.

They didn't do
any real harm.

Hmm. Yeah,
I guess you're right.

You know, I wonder
where they got all
those gauze bandages.

I'll k*ll
the little weasels!

[Sighs]

We're all behaving
a little childishly,
don't you think?

Kinda.

I mean, just because
those two are going
at each other,

there's no reason for us to
get involved in it, is there?

Yeah.

We have a lot of years invested
in this friendship, don't we?

We have a lot
of memories in common.

I used to tell you
everything.

I remember you were
the first person I called

on the night I realized
I was in love with Larry.

I'll never forget that.
It was so romantic.

You got arrested
at the campus riot for peace,

fell in love
in the paddy wagon.

When I came down
to bail you out,

there you were,
kissing through the wire mesh.

Yeah. To this day,

the smell of tear gas
brings tears to my eyes.

I'm sorry I snapped
at you last night.

Look, let's make a pact,
okay?

No matter how obnoxious
those two get, we're not
gonna get involved.

Deal?

Deal.

Say, remember that guy
you dated who used to
sing in bed?

Whatever happened to him?

I married him.

That was Larry?

Oh, yeah.

I always know when things
have gone well.

He does the entire
second side
of Abbey road.

I can't believe it.

I thought for sure
that old bag
of republican wind

was finally going to
kick them out
of the fraternity.

What do we do now, Nolan?
Give up?

I beg your pardon?

I said, what do we do now?
Give up?

Where did you go
to prep school?
Okinawa?

-Sorry.
-What we do do now

is move on to plan
"kick them while they're down."

This is a list
of some of the things
you'll be needing.

You should have
no trouble finding any
of these items on shore.

Should, however,
an unforeseeable snag arise,

i can be reached
at the nueva esparta
tennis clinic.

Any questions? Super.

[Knocking]

Miss disch?

I just came
to tell you I quit.

Au contraire, miss disch.
You can't quit.

Your assignment's
just begun.

Look,
this Eric's a nice guy.

Why don't we just
leave him alone?

Well, if he's so nice,

then you won't mind
keeping the divine Mr. M
occupied for the night.

We have a little surprise
planned for the ceremony,

and we want him
out of the way.

Forget it. Unlike the rest
of the people in this room,

i have been able to retain
at least a few of my values.

Really?

Then perhaps we should
inform professor erlich

where you purchased
your term paper
on crime and punishment.

Now, we're going into acapulco
with Larry and Rebecca today,

and we're going to have fun,
do you understand?

[Knocking]

Yeah, yeah.

Here they are.

Hi.
We're just about set.

Hi. I brought my guide book.
What should we do first?

-Whatever you want.
-Doesn't make
any difference to me.

Why don't we start
at the open market?

We can pick up
a few souvenirs.

It's kinda hot over there,
and it's awfully crowded.

Well, we could go to
the mission. There's a tour
that starts at : .

Honey, we already went to
the one in Santa Barbara.

All right. Why don't
you two guys decide.

Hey, whatever's fine.
It's fine with me.

Yeah, anything's
okay with me.

I've got a great idea.
Why don't we just wing it?

We'll go wherever
our feet take us.

Great plan.

No, it's a good idea.

We won't be slaves
to a schedule.

Come on.
Let's go catch the launch.

[Sighs] I can feel
the fun already.

[Knocking]

[Soft jazz music plays]

Wow.

When you invite
a guy to your room,
you really set a mood.

Would you like
something to drink?

Wine, beer, iced tea,

champagne, mocha mix?

Iced tea sounds good.

It's, uh, gotta get cold.

You and I,
on the other hand...

Uh, Connie, listen,
I'm in a little bit
of a rush tonight.

That kind of a rush?

Oh, god in heaven, yes.

I really need to, uh,
show up at the bank--
at the ceremony tonight.

We're passing the ark
of the lambdas, and it's...

What about our ceremony?

Oh, yeah.

I really need
to check up on the guys.

No! I can't let you.

Don't worry.
I'll come back.

Oh, I'm not worried.
It's just that, uh--

you don't understand.
I mean, uh,

the minute you leave,
I could lose my mood.

Completely.
I mean, I could never,
ever get it back again.

I'm sorry, Eric.
There's just too much
at stake here.

I can't let you leave.

I really have to.

Eric...

Oh, I was hoping
I wouldn't have to
tell you this,

but you leave me
no choice.

There's an even
more important reason
why I can't let you leave.

What's that?

My entire future's
at stake.

Aren't you putting
a lot of pressure on yourself?

Oh. It's not me.

It's-- it's Nolan.

Nolan?

He forced me
to do this.

Oh, I get it.

Please,
let me explain.

No, don't bother.

Just who do you think
you're dealing with here,
a freshman?

[Scoffs] If I ever
pass philosophy,
I'll be a senior.

I know when
I've been set up.

Look, I've told you
I'd buy you a new pair of shoes.
What else can I do, huh?

You could stop dressing
like Willie Nelson's brother.

You're really being
a crybaby about this.

It's not Larry's fault
we were robbed.

Not his fault?

All I wanted to do
was go into acapulco
and have a little fun.

Do some parasailing,
lie on the beach,
have a piña colada.

We did all have
piña coladas.

At the police station.

Hey, those things happen.

No, they don't.

Not unless you've got
a hippie friend
with some idiot idea

about hiking
the mountain trails
of acapulco.

Oh, and you'd rather spend
your vacation in the lap
of crass commercialism?

Hey, I like
crass commercialism.
It's a lot more comfortable.

And the piña coladas are cold,
not served out of a canteen.

Oh, great.
They got my key.

[Chuckles] They stole
my shoes, my key,

my camera
and my gold card.

I loved that gold card.

I guess I'm lucky
I don't own a gold card.

Oh, yeah, you're a real
lucky guy. All they got
off you was $ cash.

Do you know why
they didn't steal
your shoes too?

Because they were
already wearing better shoes
than you've got on.

Buddy, that's enough!

I see you judge
a man by his shoes.

Shut up, Larry.

All Betty and I have done today
is listen to you two guys fight.

We are sick of it.

We came on this trip together
because we were old friends

who hadn't seen each other
for a long time,

and you two have
spoiled everything.

Everybody changes.
Can't you see that?

If you can't accept it,
at least shut up long enough

so Betty and I can enjoy
the rest of our trip.

And I have the key.

Hey, you don't have
the gold card too, do ya?

[Stubing]
Ladies and gentlemen,
we hope you enjoyed your stay

in sunny acapulco.

We would like to remind you
to stay clear of the lido deck,

as the lambdas will be having
their banquet there.

[Upbeat pop music playing]

[Indistinct conversations]

I feel ridiculous
in this thing.

I don't see why.
You wore caftans
all through college.

That was different.

These things make you feel
like we're here to sing
the Messiah.

Tradition lends continuity
to our lives.

Say, remember
when we were helping

with voter registration
in Mississippi?

We were driving down
that back road

and got stopped
by a crowd building
a bonfire in a field.

Remember, Larry?

We thought it was
the ku klux klan.

Of course, it turned out
to be a football pep rally
for the local high school.

Oh, and remember
the summer we hitchhiked
to Woodstock, buddy?

Yeah.

The music.
The sense of brotherhood.

The long lines
for the toilets.

I'm not gonna present
the ark of the lambdas
looking like an idiot.

Why not?
You do everything else
looking like an idiot.

Sorry I'm late, guys.

I just found out dickford
set Connie up to keep me away
from the ceremony tonight.

Kept me locked
in her room.

That's disgusting.

Is she still there,
by any chance?

Zit, your mind,
it's like an open sewer.

Come on, guys.
Why aren't you dressed?

Aha. Small problem.

We have been short-robed.

And you know the tradition
of the fraternity:

-You can't wear anything
underneath them.
-Why not?

Because nothing must come
between you and your robe
but loyalty and honor.

And this thing,

it's just not long enough
to cover my honor.

[Tapping on glass]

Welcome, men of fealty
and courage, and friends.

We'll open our annual
lambda rho delta banquet

with the
traditional greeting.

[Speaking mock Latin]

Rejoice in
the brotherhood of man.

And now,
before we feast together,

we'll have the passing
of the sacred lambda ark,

which contains
the sacred relics.

Now, the new guardian will be
the Baxter university lambdas.

Last year's guardians,

[clears throat]
The scu lambdas,

will make
the presentation.

[Fanfare playing]

Let's get 'em.

No. That's exactly
what they want us to do:
Get kicked out on the spot.

Let's go ahead
with the ceremony.
We'll deal with them later.

Sir, it's obvious
these mud dwellers

have nothing
but contempt
for tradition.

Dickford,
can't you ever speak
like a normal person?

It's just not
my style, sir.

Mr. Matthews, I trust you have
an explanation for your attire.

Um, we grew
over the summer?

[Grunts] Proceed.

The scu chapter
of lambda rho delta

is proud to turn over
the sacred ark of relics
to our brothers at Baxter.

We have guarded
the cherished relics and now
present them for your review.

[Clucking]

I don't remember
this part.

Yeah, I wonder what
the chickens symbolize.

What I don't understand is,
how did they get enough
ping-pong balls

to fill up
the entire casino?

Well, I guess
it'd be my fault, sir.

They told me
they were gonna have
some sort of major tournament.

[Muttering]

Vicki!

What?

What's the matter?

Somebody raided
my room.

I wonder who.

[Scoffs]

I-- I'll k*ll 'em!
I will k*ll them!

I'm putting a lock
on my dresser!

Mr. Matthews,

you allowed chickens
to roost on our relics.

From this moment,
your chapter is officially
out of this fraternity!

Oh, come on!

What?

Sir, we didn't know the chickens
were in there. We were
as surprised as you were.

Talk, talk,
talk, talk--

you're out, Matthews!

That's my final verdict.

Yes, sir. Let's go, guys.

[Dickford] Super!
Champagne for everyone!

You know, dickford,
something just occurred
to me.

If we're out
of this fraternity,

we have no reason
to be on good behavior,
do we?

How about
a nice dessert?

You don't have the temerity.

[Chuckles]

-Mr. Matthews,
this is conduct--
-duck!

[All] Food fight!

G-Gentlemen?

G-Gentlemen? No!

Gentlemen--
gentlemen--

gentlemen,
I think this is the time

to exercise
a little self-control!

Kind of reminds me
of Chicago ' .

Yeah, except what
we were dodging was a lot
more dangerous than pies.

Yeah, but if we threw pies,
it was for a better america.

Come on,
let's show these kids
how it's done.

Come on, guys.

Food fight!

You're in trouble!
I'm getting mean now.

People, please!
Stop this madness!

[Sighs]

Ladies and gentlemen,

may I remind you
that we are not children?

I appreciate
your cooperation.

[Stubing on pa]
I'm giving the lambdas
who are holding my daughter

just five minutes
to return her to my cabin,
no questions asked.

I admire the way
you frisbee'ed

that lemon meringue pie
across the room.

Yeah, well,
it's all in the wrist.

We kind of got off
on the wrong foot

and stayed there
for two days,
didn't we?

Yeah, it was
my fault too.

It's not like
we didn't fight in college.

Oh, we fought.

Yeah,
but we stayed friends.

Listen, next year,
Betty and I are going to be
going out to yosemite.

Why don't you guys join us?
We've got all kinds of room
in the a-frame.

You're gonna go to
the wilderness, and you're
gonna stay in a house?

Tell you what. You and Rebecca
can pitch a tent out
in the backyard, all right?

We'll have a great time.

Well...

Tell you what.

If it'll make you
feel any better,

we won't let you use
the bathrooms.

It's a deal.

I don't believe this.
Look at this mess!

All right. Okay.
I don't care
how long it takes.

I want you to keep
everybody out here,
at work,

until this deck
is sugar-free.

You got that?
Good night!

You know, we put
limburger cheese in the Dean's
light socket back in ' .

That was a funeral
compared to this.

Forgive me, sir,
but you've got a blueberry
in your teeth right there.

Will you stop that?

[Connie] Mr. Woodrow?

Mr. Woodrow,
there's something
I have to tell you.

You talk and I'll talk,
little miss term paper.

Go ahead,
'cause I don't care
anymore.

Talk about what?

Eric,
Nolan blackmailed me

to help him with
his crummy little scheme.

Mr. Woodrow,
the scu lambdas

are not responsible
for the havoc
on this ship.

You mean, they didn't disrupt
the mermaids' performance?

No, they did that.

Uh, they didn't start
the pie fight?

Oh, my god.

Really, I didn't know.
I mean--

all I know is that
they didn't fill the pool
with soap suds

or paint the lifeboats
or put chickens
in the sacred ark,

because this man
was responsible
for all of that.

He wanted to blame
the scu lambdas

for everything
so you'd expel them.

I swear, sir,
on my mother's life,
I did none of those things.

Sure, you did.

Okay, but I meant well.

I wanted a better
fraternity for the sake
of our founding fathers.

They're dead.
Go to your room, dickford.

Please, sir--

go to your room, dickford!

That was a wonderful thing
you did, young lady.

You too, Matthews.

But I didn't say
anything, sir.

That's what I mean.

I seem to have
this, um, habit

of doing very
dramatic things
when I'm with you.

I hope so.

Mm-hmm.

[All chanting]
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

[Chanting continues]

Well, I guess we'll
all be seeing each other
in taos in June.

Yes, and you're
gonna come visit us
in Los Angeles, right?

Word of honor.

Okay.

Your son, Robert,
will have fun playing
with our coyote.

Uh, I'm not sure I want him
playing with a wild animal.

[Chuckles]

Coyote's our son.

Oh, he's very tame.

Matthews, you know
how a fraternity is bound
by those secret things?

Yes, sir.

I think that
food fight last night

should remain
one of those secret things.

Yes, sir.

Yeah.

Super!

Sorry.

Easy with that, dickford.
You're already skating
on thin ice.

If another fraternity
ever boards this ship again,
I'm taking a cruise.

Oh, come on, dad.
They weren't that bad.

"They weren't that bad"?
What are you talking about?

They kidnapped you.
They held you
over four hours.

Yeah.

Vicki,
what exactly happened?

I can't talk right now, dad.
I've got a date. Bye.

A date? Vicki?

With whom?

Vicki!