09x19 - Second Banana/The Prodigy/What Goes Around Comes Around

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Love Boat". Aired: September 24, 1977 – May 24, 1986.*
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Set on the luxury passenger cruise ship MS Pacific Princess, and revolves around the ship's captain Merrill and a handful of his crew, with passengers played by guest actors for each episode, having romantic and humorous adventures along the way.
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09x19 - Second Banana/The Prodigy/What Goes Around Comes Around

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♪♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ love exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ love is life's
sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making
another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something
for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ love won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making
another run ♪

♪ welcome aboard,
it's l-o-o-o-ove ♪

♪ welcome aboard, it's love ♪

Hello.

It's down the steps
and to the right.

Hi, can I help you
with your cabin number?

.

Oh, I'm sorry.
We don't have a cabin .

Oh, no, no, no.

is the number
of letters in the sentence,

"hi, can I help you
with your cabin number?"

It's a --
it's a little game I play.

I'm lowell mandell.

Oh, of course.

You won this cruise

in the tribune puzzle contest,
right?

Yeah, that's right.

And I'm a real
crossword-puzzle nut, you know?

When I die, I want to be buried
six down, three across.

[ Laughs ]

Man: Great.
Thank you.

Oh, excuse me.

Could you help me find
the aloha deck?

Sure, it's right through
those doors and to the left.

-Thank you.
-Wait a minute, that voice --

don't I know that voice
from somewhere?

It's possible.

I usually take it with me
wherever I go.

I think I got it.
Say, "is the caller there?"

That's Phil donahue.

I'm, "line ,
you're on the air."

Dr. Dorothee Davis,
the radio psychologist!

Oh, you take away
all the joy of discovery.

I would have gotten it.

Dr. Davis, I was thinking
of psychology as a career.

Do you have any advice?

I'm not sure
I'm the person to ask

about something
so important.

-Hi.
-Hello.

Where is he?

Come on.

[ Chuckles ]

Leo: He's so neat.

I'm Leo halbert.
How do you do?

And where do we go?

Well, welcome aboard.
I'm captain stubing.

[ Grunts ]

[ Both laugh ]

And this is
purser Smith.

[ Clears throat ]

Pbht!

I guess
he outranks you.

I grew up watching
you two on TV.

Leo and tanny, right?
-Right.

And you must be
his wife.

No, tanny's not married.
I'm Leo's wife.

Well, I'm sorry.

This is my wife, Mary.

Oh, you know something?
I will never forget

that old western routine
you guys used to do.

Tanny, bang!

[ Groans ]

Isn't he supposed to fall down
when I do that?

Hm? Oh, yeah.
But he's no fool.

He knows your finger
wasn't loaded.

[ Laughter ]

[ Ship horn honks ]

[ Cheering ]

Then, when I found out you
were gonna be on this cruise,

I knew you could help me.

I'm the chief purser
around here,

and lately, nobody seems
to be taking me seriously.

Well, maybe it's
your nickname -- "gopher."

No, that's not it.
I think it's my childhood.

I had a lot of rejection
as a child.

Whenever I played hide-and-seek,
nobody would look for me.

Do you think
that's significant, doctor?

It's difficult to say.

I hardly know you.

Well, that's no problem.

What I'll do is I'll put
all the thoughts in my childhood

down on paper,
and I'll get back to you.

This is great.

This is more feedback
than I've had in months.

Thank you.

[ Flatly ]
Mm-hmm.

Isaac: Ladies and gentlemen,
lowell is gonna do this

within seconds,
blindfolded.

So, are you ready, lowell?

Ready!

Okay, go!

[ Spectators cheering ]

Five seconds.

I find brilliant men
incredibly attractive.

I think the sexiest part
of a man's body is his mind.

Isaac: seconds!

seconds!

[ Spectators cheering ]

Ta-da!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Now, folks,
you are not gonna believe this.

But lowell has told me
that he can tell

the day of the week
of any date in history.

That's right.

[ Spectators murmur ]

No, no, okay, all right,
do we have any volunteers?

How about you?

Yeah, that's right.

Um...what's
your birthday?

July nd, .

July nd.

You said July nd?
-Mm-hmm.

Isn't that something?
That's really amazing.

You know, this Wednesday,
your birthday will be

only days away.

[ Laughs ]

So, uh, come on,
I'll buy you

a -days-
before-your-birthday lunch.

But the food
on the ship is free.

Oh, well, in that case,
order whatever you want.

Ooh, hi, Isaac.

Hi, Dr. Davis.
What can I get you?

-How about a Margarita?
-A Margarita, coming right up.

You know, Dr. Davis,
in a way, you and I are

in the same business.

Oh?
How's that?

Well, people are always telling
their troubles to a bartender,

except my clientele does not get
your professional expertise.

Hm, well, my professional
expertise is highly overrated.

Besides, your clients get
something mine don't.

What's that?

Fruit on a toothpick.

Hey, Dr. Davis.
Isaac, how you doing?

-Hello.
-Fine.

Listen, I've got kind of
a sticky problem.

I could use a little
professional advice.

Well, fine.
Isaac's free.

[Laughs] No, I wanted
to talk to you.

I know it's kind of
an imposition,

but it's really,
very important to me.

Okay, sh**t.

Yeah.

Well, I've got
this friend named Elaine

who I broke up with
a couple months ago.

Now, I just learned that she's
planning on marrying this guy

who I know is
a real womanizer.

Now, should I warn Elaine,
or should I just stay out of it?

I think you owe it to Elaine
to level with her.

Maybe you can prevent
an unhappy marriage.

I think you're right.

I still have
an obligation to her.

I mean, she's still
my friend, right?

-Mm-hmm.
-Okay, I'll send her a cable

right away and let her know
what a big mistake she's making.

Thanks a million.
-[ Chuckles ]

Boy, you really know
your stuff.

I would have told him
the exact opposite.

What do you mean?

Well, fool that I am,
I would have told him

to stay out of it.

He'd already broken up
with her,

so it was really
none of his business.

But that's
why you get the big bucks.

All right, red.

This here deck ain't big enough
for the both of us.

Go ahead, red.
Show him how tough you are.

Leo.

This here six iron
is loaded.

You're gonna eat
my dust.

Bang!

Hey, he's
a real character isn't he?

[ Laughs ]
Uh, Mary, listen,

why don't you take a picture
of gopher, tanny, and me, huh?

Yes, all right.

Oh, Leo, this will be
one for my grandchildren.

Of course, I have to have
the children first.

-Smile, everybody.
-Okay.

sh**t.

[ Camera shutter snaps ]

[ Groans ]

Leo, I've got
a great idea.

Why don't you and tanny
do your show tonight?

Uh, that --
that sounds like fun.

Oh, that's terrific.
I'll make the arrangements.

Okay.

Leo, let him rest.
He's had a long day.

It's okay.
He's fine.

He's not fine.

He hasn't been fine
for a long time.

[ Sighs ]

Lowell: So, anyhow, once,
in college,

I finished
this English exam early.

So I was getting
a little bored.

And, uh, to k*ll time,
I started counting

the number of letters
in words and sentences.

And it was so much fun that
I've been doing it ever since.

I never once in my life
finished a test early.

My teachers practically
had to arm-wrestle me

for my test papers.

[ Chuckles ]

Where'd you go to college?

Uh...well, you know,
back east.

Where back east?

[ Sighs ]

Harvard --
I went to Harvard.

You went to Harvard?

I would have given anything
to go to an Ivy league school.

What was it like
at Harvard?

.

--

letters in,
"what was it like at Harvard?"

No, of the number
of letters in,

"how would you like
to have dinner with me tonight?"

I'd love to.

[ Video game buzzes ]

[ Video game beeping ]

[ Chuckles ]

You know, this has been
a great day for me.

Not only do I get
a date with a beautiful woman,

but, uh, I just saved
the universe.

[ Water rushing ]

Come on, tanny.
You're gonna be late for dinner.

[ Grunting ]

Oh, don't forget
to floss.

[ Grunts ]

[ Laughs ]

I can't believe you're thinking
of doing the act.

He hasn't worked
in over a year.

You saw him
up on deck today.

Oh, come on, Mary.
He missed a couple of cues.

That's all.
-[ Sighs ]

"A couple" of cues?

He messed up
every bit you tried.

[Sighs] Face it, Leo --
he's over the hill.

No, he's not
over the hill.

He'll be fine
out there.

He's a trouper, Mary.

Leo, listen to me.

Let me tell gopher
that he can't do it.

Uh, I'll say that he's,
uh, seasick or something.

Leo, do you know
how embarrassing this could be?

My roommate in college
didn't have the courage

to ask his girlfriend
to marry him.

So, I rigged the scoreboard
so that, during half time,

it would read, "Betty,
will you marry me?"

[ Laughs ]
Did it work?

Oh, yeah.
It worked great.

Uh, four Bettys got engaged
that weekend.

How did you learn
to do that?

Well, I had
a professor at m.I.T.

Who was a real
practical jokester.

M.i.t.?

I thought you said
you went to Harvard.

Oh, well, you know, I-I did,
for my bachelor's degree.

But then I --

then I went on to m.I.T.
For my master's, you know?

You went to Harvard
and m.I.T.?

Well, yeah, you know, me
and thousands of other guys.

And I had the best body.
Go figure.

Uh, did you know
that, uh, the density of saturn

is lighter than water?

You could float that sucker
in a bathtub.

Of course, you'd have to have
a bathtub the size of Jupiter.

[ Chuckles ]
Waiter?

[ Laughter ]

[ Grunts ]

Yeah,
he loves the movies,

especially
"the three stooges."

That's where he gets
his timing.

Pbht!

[ Laughs ]

You know, Leo,
all the kids on board

will be disappointed if they
don't see you and tanny perform.

Well, I, uh...

-[ Slurping ]
-Oh, come on, Leo,

just one show?

Both: Please?

I told you all the kids
would be disappointed.

Well, sure.
Sure, yeah.

We can do
a little show for you.

How about that, partner?

[ Groans ]

[ Laughter ]

He'd love to.
[ Laughs ]

Thank you
for asking me to dinner.

Oh, my pleasure.

It's been a long time
since I've had an official date.

I suppose, with your schedule,
it is difficult.

It's not that.

It's just that I'm going
through a divorce.

Oh, I'm sorry.

If you want to talk about it,
I'm a good listener.

Good evening.

Oh, gosh,
look at that prime rib.

That looks great.

What do you want,
gopher?

Doctor, I realize
your time is very precious.

So I've tried
to condense

some of my thoughts
on my childhood.

Oliver twist didn't have
that much of a childhood.

Ah, good evening.

Well, the prime rib
looks great.

Why don't we get
a couple of extra forks?

You can eat off our plates.

[Laughs] No, thanks.
I can't stay.

Oh, that's too bad.
Good-bye.

[ Chuckles ]

Uh, listen,
I-I just wanted to tell you

that I took your advice,
and I sent a cable

to my friend Elaine.

And I told her
that if she married that jerk,

she would be making
the biggest mistake

of her entire life.

Whew!
What a load off my mind.

Um...maybe you shouldn't
have done that, ace.

What?

Well, i-i-it's just
that, sometimes --

I don't know.

Maybe it's better
that people find out

these things for themselves,
don't you think?

Are you telling me
I should send another cable?

Is that
what you're saying?

Well...

Yes, p-perhaps
you'd better.

I tell you --
life can be a handful.

Oh, I got this research Grant
from Stanford.

-But --
-you went to Harvard,

m.i.t., and Stanford?

[ Sighs ]

That's incredible.

You know, there's a name
for people like you.

"Lowell"?

[ Sighs ]

"Prodigy."

You're a prodigy.

Boy, what I wouldn't do
with your brains.

I'd invent things.

No-run pantyhose --

that would give me
a nobel prize for sure.

[ Laughs ]

You know, you only talk
about your past.

I want to know
what you're doing now.

Oh, you do, do you?

Well, right now,
I'm standing in the moonlight

with the most attractive woman
on this ship.

[ Both laugh ]

Oh, hi, guys. Hey, listen,
we're on our way to the casino.

You want to come?

They don't want
to go to the casino.

-Casino?
-Yeah.

Listen,
I'm on a losing streak,

and I never quit
when I'm behind.

Gee, I-I don't know.

Well, actually, that sounds
kind of interesting, Brenda.

Come on.

Lead the way.
-Right on.

-Oh, I like this.
-Mm.

A nice, quiet table
away from all the activity.

And all the people asking
for free advice.

Excuse me.

Would you please put
these two chairs

where nobody can find them?

-[ Chuckles ]
-Thank you.

[Sighs] Everybody thinks
I have all the answers.

It's an occupational
hazard.

I get it all the time.

As soon as people find out
I'm a doctor,

they drag out
all their aches and pains.

Well,
how do you handle it?

I tell them my lawyer won't
let me say anything

till after
the malpractice trial.

They usually leave me alone
after that.

Uh-oh.

Doctor, bad news --

i found out that Elaine
received the first cable.

Now what should I do,
play dumb?

I think
you can handle it.

Did I tell you
I'm an only child?

Do you mind?

Now, should I risk sending
a third cable

to explain the first
or just stop with the second?

Couldn't that explain
my difficulty sharing?

I don't know.

I can't help you.
I can't help anybody anymore.

I quit my job two weeks ago.
I'm through handing out advice.

Oh, Dr. Davis, listen --
I was just looking

through some catalogs
from ucla.

And I was wondering
what you thought

of the psychology
department.

Will everybody just
please leave me alone?

Ladies and gentlemen,
the love boat mermaids.

[ Applause,
upbeat music plays ]

♪ Whoo-ooh ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh ♪

♪ I don't want
to take it anymore ♪

♪ I'll just stay here locked
behind the door ♪

♪ just no time
to stop and get away ♪

♪ 'cause I work so hard
to make it every day ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh ♪

♪ and it's hard to say ♪

♪ just how some things
never change ♪

♪ and it's hard to find ♪

♪ any strength
to draw the line ♪

♪ oh, I'm just burning ♪

♪ doing the neutron dance ♪

♪ I'm just burning ♪

♪ doing the neutron dance ♪

♪ There's no money
falling from the sky ♪

♪ there's no money
falling from the sky ♪

♪ a man took my heart
and robbed me blind ♪

♪ lord, have mercy ♪

♪ someone stole
my brand-new Chevrolet ♪

♪ someone stole
her brand-new Chevrolet ♪

♪ and the rent is due,
I've got no place to stay ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh ♪

♪ I'm on fire ♪

♪ yeah ♪

♪ well, I'm on fire ♪

♪ yeah ♪

♪ I'm just burning,
doing the neutron dance ♪

♪ I'm just burning
doing the neutron dance ♪

♪ I know there's
a pot of gold for me ♪

♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ all I got to do is
just believe ♪

♪ believe, believe, believe ♪

♪ I'm so happy doing
the neutron dance ♪

♪ I'm so happy doing
the neutron dance ♪

♪ and I'm just burning,
doing the neutron dance ♪

♪ I'm just burning,
doing the neutron dance ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh ♪

♪ I'm so happy
doing the neutron dance ♪

[ Song ends ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪ ♪

[ Grunts ]

-Mr. Halbert...
-Mm-hmm?

I just want you to know
what a thrill it is

for me to be performing
on the same stage as you.

I've loved your act
my whole life.

I mean, I've only been watching
television since I was .

But ever since then...
-It's her first job.

She gets excited.
-[ Laughs ]

Well, it's nice
to be appreciated by my peers.

Mary thinks we're
over the hill, tanny.

Let's go show her.

Did you hear that?
He called me his peer.

Exactly
what does that mean?

Ladies and gentlemen, let's give
a big hand to Leo and tanny.

[ Applause ]

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Thank you.
Well, ladies and gentlemen,

I want you to know
that I -- wait a minute.

Wait, what are you doing
with the script?

We haven't changed a line
in years.

Get rid of it.

[ Drum roll,
cymbal crashes ]

[ Laughter ]

Thank you very much.

Now, when I -- when I say,
"Romeo, Romeo,

wherefore art thou, Romeo,"
what do you do?

[ Laughter ]

Marvelous.
Yes, that's right.

And, uh, now, when you
pucker up, what do I do?

[ Grunts ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

Maybe we do need
that script.

Would you mind throwing up
that script, sir?

Thank you very much.
Thank you.

[ Drum rolls, cymbal crashes ]

You need to be trained.

[ Laughter ]

Now, it says here,
"Leo kisses the redhead."

But I'm sorry.
I can't -- no, wait a minute.

Wait, I can't kiss the redhead.
My wife is out there.

[ Groans ]

Please!

[ Spits ]

[ Laughter ]

Man: Place your bets.
Place your bets, please.

No more bets, please.

red, a winner.
-[ Laughing ] Hey.

Hey, that's five winners
in a row.

I can't lose.

Lowell seems to be
on a winning streak.

I wish
I could say the same.

I lost bucks
in the stamp machine.

[ Laughs ]

You know, years ago,
I learned a surefire way

to double my money
in the casino.

How?

I just fold it
and put it in my pocket.

Oh.

Isaac...

Hmm?

Brenda looks bored.
Come on.

Where are we going?

To put a little romance
back into her life.

Hi, guys.

-Hi.
-Listen.

Why don't we all
go to the movies?

Oh, Judy,
I've already seen that movie.

[ Coughs ]
Great idea.

That is
a great idea.

-What about it, lowell?
-Uh, not now.

I'm on a roll.
Listen.

Uh, why don't you go along
with Judy and Isaac?

And I'll be there
in about minutes, okay?

Okay.

Man:
Place your bets, please.

Want to talk
about it?

You know...

After years of what I thought
was a happy marriage,

my devoted husband
came home one night

and told me he was leaving me
for another woman.

I'm sorry.

[ Scoffs ]
That's not the best part.

That other woman happened to be
my best friend.

Ooh.

She used to come to me
and pour her heart out

about how guilty she was
over the affair she was having.

You had
no way of knowing.

Anybody
with an ounce of sense

could have seen
what was going on...

But not Dr. Dorothee.

I even talked her
out of feeling guilty.

So let's face it.

I'm not in the position
to give anybody advice.

That's why
I'm through with it.

[ Laughter ]

Okay, red.

You can't hide from me
any longer.

Chicken, huh, red?

[ Laughter ]

Why, this town ain't big enough
for the both of us.

I said this town ain't
big enough for the both of us.

Draw!

Draw!

Give me the g*n.

Come on.

Never hold a g*n to your head
like that.

What did I tell ya?

♪♪

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

Mary,
if it's not too much to ask,

the next time Leo and tanny are
on TV, could you let me know?

See, now that I'm a grown-up,
I get to stay up late.

There isn't going to be
a next time, gopher.

What do you mean?

You've just seen
their last performance.

We're retiring tanny to the
puerto vallarta zoo tomorrow.

♪♪

♪♪

One, two, three, four.

And five, six, seven, eight.
Come on.

One, two, three, four.

Five, six, seven, eight.

You know, Mary,
tanny is sleeping like a baby.

This trip may be the very lift
he needs

to start him working
again.

Forget it,
Leo.

Oh, I promise,
no more tours.

Just a few one-nighters
and a couple of TV shows.

Leo, we agreed it's
the best thing for everybody.

Oh, you're right.
No more one-nighters.

No more TV shows.

How about an occasional show
at a mall?

Leo,
tanny's old.

Let him rest.

Yeah,
but you saw him last night.

He was great.
The audience loved him.

Well, maybe the audience
did think he was great.

But, Leo,
both you and I know

you've just got
to get this over with.

That's the idea.

Get those cornflakes good
and busy.

They're easier
to catch.

I just feel so badly
about Dr. Davis.

I don't know.

Maybe if I
hadn't bothered her so much --

oh, honey, she's just upset
about her divorce.

Oh, that's only
part of it.

Her real problem
is a crisis of confidence.

She's convinced she's no good
as a psychologist.

You know, it's too bad her show
isn't on the air anymore.

This is just the kind of problem
she usually handles.

Maybe if
you talked to her, doc.

I mean,
everybody has problems.

Even doctors get sick.

Vicki, you just
said something brilliant.

I did?
What'd I say?

Don't worry,
honey.

I'm sure
you'll say it again sometime.

♪♪

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome
to romantic puerto vallarta.

We hope you enjoy
a memorable visit

to this beautiful
Mexican resort town.

Brenda.

Brenda, wait.
Come on. Please?

Look, I'm sorry
about the movie last night.

I, uh, I got hung up
at the roulette game,

and I lost
all track of time.

Well,
I didn't.

The movie
was great.

-I saw it twice.
-No, wait.

Wait.
I -- look, I'm sorry, honest.

There's good news, though.
I won.

Huh? Look.

And I'm gonna
spend it all on you, too.

We're gonna go
into town,

and we're gonna
paint it rojo, huh?

I can't let you
spend all your money on me.

Oh,
all right.

Then I'll --
I'll just spend part of it.

And then I promise
I'll donate the other part

to my favorite charity --
me.

Tanny, uh...

Tanny...

Tanny?

Tanny? Tanny?

Tanny?!

Tanny?!

You sure know how to get to me,
don't you, partner?

Well, now,
you may not understand.

We -- we've been
together a long time now.

Uh...well...i hate having
to do this to you, tanny.

But, well, uh,
there's been a change in script.

And, uh, the way we're gonna
do it is, you got to the zoo,

and...mary and I
go back home.

[ Whimpers ]

You understand?

[ Chuckles ]

Of course you don't.

Well, you see,
the way we see it is, uh,

that we feel the -- the zoo
is the best place for you.

Yes, it's a wonderful climate,
a lot of activities.

There'll be other orangues
your age there,

maybe some girls.

Here.
Look for yourself.

[ Paper rustles ]

Yeah.
I know, partner.

I know.

We've been together
for years.

Why do we have to
change a line now?

♪♪

[ Groaning ]
Come in.

Oh, the captain said
you weren't feeling well.

[ Door closes ]

Oh, dear.
You look terrible.

Good -- that's a step up
from wretched.

Mm, you have
a slight fever.

It's probably
just the flu bug.

"Flu bug" nothing --
this is at least pneumonia.

Probably the worst kind, too --
German pneumonia.

-I never heard of that.
-It's new.

[ Telephone rings ]

Oh, please.
Answer that, quick.

The noise is deafening.

Hello?

Yes, captain?

Oh, dear, is she --
is she all right?

Yes, yes, I'll tell him.
He'll be right there.

The captain said
that Vicki broke her ankle.

They need you in the infirmary
right away.

Tell them to pack it in ice...
[ Sighs ]

And I'll be there
in a day or two.

Did you hear me?
She broke her ankle.

Yes. You expect me
to leave my deathbed

for a lousy broken ankle?

[ Grunts ]
She's young.

She'll heal.

You can't be serious.
You're a doctor.

How can I take care
of someone else

when I can't even take care
of myself?

That is nonsense.

Now, you listen to me,
Adam bricker.

Even if you are sick,
you can't just sit around

and feel sorry
for yourself.

You have a responsibility
to your patients.

You're
absolutely right.

A doctor must always put
his patients' problems

ahead of his or her own feelings
of inadequacy.

Isn't that
what you're saying?

Yes.

Oh. Oh, wait.
Wait a minute.

What --
what about Vicki?

Fake call.

[ Sighs ]
Hmm.

I should be so mad
at you.

But I'm too charming,
right?

You know, there's
a clinical term

for what you just did
to me --

self-pity
reduction therapy.

Mm.

We hope you had fun
in puerto vallarta.

You can exchange your pesos
in the purser's lobby.

I feel like
a walking souvenir shop.

I think we went
a little crazy.

Well, that's the educational
thing about traveling.

It teaches you
to spend money in a hurry.

Yeah, but
on a musical donkey?

[ Laughs ]

[ Melodic tune plays ]

Well, all right, okay.
I'm an animal lover, all right?

Thanks for the ring.

It's beautiful.

Thanks for spending
the day with me.

First thing, I'm gonna slip
into a nice, hot shower,

and then into a nice,
cool pinña colada.

Well,
that works for me.

Meet you in the lounge
in an hour?

- .
- ?

Letters in,
"I'll be there."

Bye-bye.
-Bye.

Go ahead, tanny.
I'll follow you.

Watch yourself, now.

I'll never forget
the first time we saw tanny.

Color television was
just getting big.

And Leo saw
that little red ball of fur.

And he thought
tanny would be a natural.

It's hard
to believe it's --

it's been
over years.

It's hard when an end
of an era comes.

Now, don't worry,
tanny.

They're gonna take
good care of you.

A-And when you get there,

a lot of people will come
to see you.

And I'll come to see you.

I promise.

[ Whines ]

I'm gonna miss you,
partner.

[ Whimpers ]

I'll never forget you.

[ Whines ]

[ Whimpers, whines ]

Boy, a lot of kids are
gonna miss him.

I guess they're not
the only ones.

Good evening, passengers.

We invite you to spend
your last night at sea

dancing in
the international lounge.

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

You know, Leo,
this music reminds me

of the first time we met.

Feels like we're starting
all over again.

Mm-hmm.

[ Song ends, applause ]

[ Upbeat music plays ]

I love you, Leo.

And I think it's wonderful the
way you're handling all this.

Are you, uh, thinking
what I'm thinking?

Yeah.

I'm thinking tanny's
already checked in,

met the other residents,

getting used to walking
around without clothes on.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, I almost forgot.
Here.

Ace printed up
some sh*ts of tanny.

Here's tanny
at the swimming pool.

Here's tanny in the casino.
[ Laughs ]

Boy, he sure knew
how to play a crowd.

[ Chuckles ]

black.

-He's still at it?
-I'm afraid so, sir.

Lowell.

Do you realize
you missed dinner?

Oh, really?

I wound up eating
alone.

They served buffalo.
You had to sh**t it yourself.

Lowell?

Oh, hi.
Uh, sorry.

Have you had dinner yet?

red.

[ Spectators cheer ]

Lowell,
I'd like to go dancing.

Are you coming or not?

Not.

You know,
for someone so smart,

you're acting
awfully stupid.

Listen, Brenda,
get off my case.

I mean,
so what if I'm smart?

You know, I am sick
and tired of doing

what other people expect me
to do.

All I expect from you is
a straight answer.

Every time I ask you what
you're doing with your life,

you change the subject.

All right, all right,
you want to know

what I'm doing with my life?
I'll tell you.

Nothing.

Zip.

What about Stanford,
the research program?

Oh...

I dropped out of that
two years ago.

How do you live?

I take odd jobs.

I play games --
all kinds of games.

Every once in a while,
I win something.

Now, you may not think
much of it,

but it's my life,
okay?

So butt out.

You're right, lowell.
I don't think much of it.

Here.

You may need to hawk
this when you gamble
away all your money.

Well, what do you think
you'll do now?

I'll go back
on the radio

and try to find
a new best friend.

And a new husband?

Are you applying
for the job?

Uh, I'm afraid
I have a lousy track record

in that department.

Well, why don't you start
as a best friend

and work your way up?

I'd like that.

Uh, I hope
I'm not interrupting anything.

No, we were hoping we wouldn't
be left all alone out here.

Uh, I-I just wanted
to tell you, doctor,

that I received a cable
back from my friend Elaine,

and she's gonna go ahead
with the wedding.

Even after she found out
the man's a cheat?

Well, it turns out
that he's very, very rich.

And frankly,
she's very, very shallow.

Thanks for your help.
-Mm-hmm.

Where were we?
-Let's see.

Uh, you were kissing
your best friend,

and I was working
my way up.

Beautiful night.

Oh, yeah.
Yeah.

So, how did you make out
in the casino?

Well, I, uh...

I had a change of luck there
towards the end,

and came out ahead.

Ah.

All's well
that ends well.

Not really.

Brenda won't talk to me.
I...

I tried twice to go
to her cabin to apologize.

She won't even open
the door.

Well, I guess tonight
was pretty embarrassing for her.

I can't believe
I yelled like that.

You know, ever since I-I hit
those gambling tables,

i-I've been a little nuts.
It's --

it's almost as if they had me
hypnotized or something.

I know what you're
going through, lowell.

I have a problem
somewhat like yours.

Really?

Yeah.

I'm a recovering
alcoholic.

Alcoholic?
Well --

well, I'm not
an alcoholic.

People who gamble too much
are just like people

who drink too much
or play games too much

or work too much
or do anything too much.

They're all compulsive
behaviors.

Oh, now,
wait a minute here.

I mean, you think
because I spent two nights

at a gambling table
I'm a compulsive gambler?

No.

But you could be headed
in that direction.

Lowell, when compulsive people
get hooked on something,

it's their way
of escaping pressure.

You've been under pressure
all your life to be number one.

So you escape
into your games.

Everyone expects
so much of me.

I want to change...

But I'm afraid.
I-I don't know if I can.

Look, you don't have
to do it alone.

There are organizations

where people
with the same problem

get together
and help each other.

And it works.

I know.

I don't know.
I-I...

I'm gonna have
to think about this.

Well,
if you're interested,

drop by my office
tomorrow morning.

I'll have some names of places
you can call for help.

Thank you, captain.
Y-You're very kind.

Someone was kind
to me once.

All right, Mary.
Let's talk about it.

You already got what you want.
Tanny's gone.

He may be gone,

but apparently he's still
number one in your life.

What are you talking
about?

[ Sighs ]
Oh, Leo.

After years,
I'm just tired

of playing second fiddle
to an orangutan.

"Second fiddle"?

I can't believe
that you'd think like that.

I always thought of us
as a family.

Well, this part
of the family didn't get

very much attention.

Well, why didn't you say
something about this years ago?

Because I knew
what the act meant to you.

And besides,
what was I gonna say?

"Excuse me, Leo.
I'm jealous of your monkey"?

Of course,
tanny meant a lot to me.

But he never meant more to me
than you do.

But you never said that.

Well...i always thought
you knew.

[ Sighs ]

Now, listen closely,
Mary.

I don't want you
to miss a word.

I love you.

You're the most important thing
in my life.

You always have been.

And I'm not gonna let
a day go by

that you don't know it.

[ Melodic tune plays ]

Lowell: You were right,
Brenda.

For somebody who's supposed
to be so intelligent, I...

I've been acting
awfully stupid.

I-I'd like to try and put
my life back together again.

And when I do...

I want you to be
a part of it.

[ Sighs ]

Eight.

Eight?

Letters
in "I'd love to."

[ Chuckles ]

Of course, that's not counting
the apostrophe.

What's the rule
on that?

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, Vicki.

And if you do decide
to go into psychology,

please let me know.

I'd be happy
to recommend some schools.

Oh, thank you,
Dr. Davis.

I'll be listening
to your radio show.

Oh, Adam.

How am I ever going
to thank you?

Watch my lips.

Gopher said every time
they stop at puerto vallarta,

he's gonna look in
on tanny.

Well, I don't think
that will be necessary.

Hmm?

Partner!

I called the zoo
early this morning

and had him flown in.

Yeah, but I-I thought
you said --

well, it's one thing
to break up an act.

It's something else
to break up a family.

You want to know the truth?
I missed him, too.

Sweetheart,

you've just secured
your position as number one.

[ Laughs ]

[ Grunts ]

I heard
you were back in town.

Oh, he hated the zoo.

All the good tire swings
were taken.

Hey, tanny, think fast.

Bang!

[ Laughter ]

[ Grunts, chatters ]

♪ ♪
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