09x24 - My Stepmother, Myself/Almost Roommates/Cornerback Sneak

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

Dionne Warwick: ♪ love ♪

♪ love, exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ love is
life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be
making another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something
for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ love won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making
another run ♪

♪ welcome aboard ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪♪

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ Horn blows ]

[ Indistinct conversations
continue ]

♪♪

I thought Emily was gonna
be joining us for this cruise.

No, she's staying in Fresno
to work on our wedding plans.

Vicki, I'm sorry
you couldn't come with me

to meet Emily's relatives.

Oh, you know how hard
it is for me to get away, dad.

I mean, I had to finish
the ship's newsletter.

And somebody had to feed
your goldfish,

or they'd be belly up by now.

Well, you would've
loved the family.

We really hit it off,
except for uncle Alvin.

He's a little strange.

He wears his underwear
outside of his pants.

Sounds like a lot of fun.
Sorry I missed it.

I had an aunt once
who thought

she was seeing visions
in her living room.

She never quite understood
what television was.

[ Chuckles ]

Swimming pool,
a gym, a casino.

And they pay you
to work here?

I'm the featured
performer here.

As soon as we get
beyond that -mile limit,

I'm the star.

Well, I'm glad
you invited me along.

And I can't wait to see
your suite.

[ High-pitched voice ] Ooh!

Oh, oh, and I want you
to speak to that couple

in, uh, on aloha deck.

They're complaining
they don't have a bathtub.

Well,
what am -- what am I gonna say?

I mean -- I mean, nobody
on that deck has a bathtub.

Maybe that's
what you should say.

Oh, yeah. Right.

You know,
gopher, I can do this job.

I can do this job.

Here I am.
Let the good times roll.

Spencer, you are
an assistant cruise director

on this ship.

You are supposed
to be wearing your uniform.

You mean now?

I thought that was for
official things like parties.

Spencer, boarding
is an official function,

along with everything else.

You mean, I have to wear
the uniform all the time?

No, you can take it off
when you shower.

You would know this,
Spencer,

if you read
the employees handbook.

[ Sighs ]

Go to your room, Spencer.

Man's got a real chip
on his shoulder.

The man is your boss.

Like I said,
some people look good

with chips
on their shoulders.

♪♪

I saw him with, uh,
b.B. King.

-No kidding?
-That's right.

"Hatchet man" hatcher!

You know me?

Oh, you know him? How?

I followed your career
for a year.

-All-American in college...
-Yeah?

First round draft pick,
rookie of the year.

Ooh.

Whatever happened to you?

Two operations on my knee,
separated shoulder,

broken wrist.

I spend more time
in the hospital

than I do
on the playing field.

Now I'm fighting
for my job.

Oh, you're afraid they're gonna
cut you from the team, huh?

Well,
Amanda dailey's on the cruise.

She's the new owner
of the friars.

I, uh, I have to convince her
I can still play.

Well,
how you gonna do that?

Romance, wine, dine, a little
dancing under the stars.

But I don't want her
to know who I am

until I have her
where I want her.

That's the stupidest idea
I ever heard.

I didn't think she'd believe
I was her long lost brother.

You're right.
First idea's looking better.

And this is Emily's sister
and brother-in-law,

jan and John Remington.

They own a vineyard
up north.

Oh, wait a minute.
The hudstons own the vineyard.

The remingtons are
in the sporting goods...

I think.

Anyway, one of them
is gonna supply all the wine

for the wedding reception.

I just hope it's the one
that owns the vineyard.

That's nice, dad.

Listen, since Emily
isn't along this cruise,

why don't we spend tomorrow
in mazatlán together?

You mean you wanna spend
the whole day with your father?

Yeah, it'll be fun, just
the two of us like old times.

-I think that's a great idea.
-Yeah. Oh, I know.

Listen, why don't we go
to Felipe's by the sea?

We haven't been there
in ages.

[ Sighs ] Well, I was there
a week ago with Emily.

You took Emily
to our restaurant?

Now, Vicki,
it is a public place.

Other people do eat there,
you know? [ Chuckles ]

Well, maybe we could go
to the Plaza and go shopping.

You didn't take her there,
did you?

No. It's a good idea.

Consider it a date.

[ Laughs ]
Now, this is my favorite one.

All of Emily's relatives
with all their pets.

Who owns the sheepdog?

Oh, that's not a sheepdog.

That's uncle Alvin.

Look at the underwear.

♪♪

Oh, excuse me.
I don't mean to be rude.

But you seem to have
the wrong idea here.

Oh?

Yes, most people take a cruise
to get away from it all.

You seem to have
brought it all with you.

[ Chuckles ]

This is the only place I could
find to get away from the press

since I started my new job.

I own the friars.

You own a religious order?

[ Chuckles ] No, a football team
in San Jose.

Oh, those friars, yes.

I inherited it
from my grandfather,

and now I have to learn it
from the ground up.

-I'm Amanda dailey.
-John Jackson.

Must be great
to own the team.

They don't play your rules,

you can take your ball
and go home.

[ Chuckles ]
I'll remember that.

I'll let you get
back to work

if you'll consider having
dinner with me tonight?

All right.

Maybe you can explain
what a y out pass pattern is.

Oh, I wouldn't know that.

Bowling is my game.
I'll see you later.

C- .

I think
we're getting warmer.

I think it's the heat
from the engine room.

C- .

[ Sighs ]

This is it,
our own romantic hideaway.

[ Chuckles ]

What do you want?

This ain't no lover's Lane.

Ah, um, obviously,
I have the wrong cabin.

You my new roommate?

I had to get rid
of the other one.

Uh, uh, you did, you did?

Yeah.

He tried to bring a woman
into the cabin.

Ah, um, thanks
for seeing me off, mom.

This is your mother?

Um, yeah, yeah,
plastic surgery.

-Looks great, doesn't she?
-Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Well, uh, come on, mom.
I wanna get you ashore.

Oh, yeah.

-Phew.
-What are you doing?

You know that man
is in our suite.

-You should tell him to leave.
-You're right.

You're right.
We should be in there,

and he should be out here.

I'll tell him.
You wait here.

If I lose control,
I don't know who I'll hit.

[ Imitates punching sounds ]
Ahh.

[ Blade scraping ]

-Now, look, I think --
-people usually knock.

I didn't?
I'm sure that I did.

You didn't.

I'm sorry.

It'll never happen again.

Look, I'm Spencer.

I'm one of the performers
on the ship.

And, um, do you do
a Kn*fe-throwing act?

I'm a cook.

And there's nothing worse
than a dull Kn*fe.

Don't I know it.

-Um, look here, um, um...
-Bubba.

Right, right.
Original name.

Um, there's been, uh,
a mistake.

See, um, uh, I'm supposed
to have a cabin of my own.

I'm a ship's officer.

What's the matter?

You don't wanna room
with bubba?

Um, it's not
that I don't want to, okay?

Um, it's that I'm not allowed,
all right?

Um, um, see, it's the law
of the sea that, uh,

ship's officers have to have
their own cabins, you see?

And we wouldn't wanna mess
with the law of the sea,

would we, you know?
Um, I think, uh, I --

uh, what's that?
[ Imitates P.A. bell ]

Uh, that's -- that's for me.

That means that they
want me to -- I gotta, uh...

[ Squeaks ]

♪♪

Oh, John. [ Chuckles ]

And thank you,
but it'll spoil my appetite.

Oh, won't matter.
You've already missed dinner.

What time is it?

: .

Maybe your team could chip in
and buy you a watch.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

I just got so involved in trying
to make these personnel changes.

You don't wanna
do that on an empty stomach.

I know a place where we can get
a little late-night snack

and then maybe do
some dancing.

That sounds great.
I could really use a break.

You know, I just found out
that a lot of these players

sneak out after curfew?

No, really?

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Hi, Judy, gopher.
Been looking all over for you.

Spencer, where have you
been all day?

You were supposed
to be at a staff meeting.

Oh, um,
I didn't know there was one.

Spencer,
there is one every day.

You guys have that much
to talk about?

That is where we
get our work assignments.

I don't understand.
What work?

Basically, I came on board
to perform.

Basically you came on board
to perform

as an assistant
cruise director.

That is a full-time job.

Entertaining
is only part of it.

And you are still
not in uniform.

Uh, I couldn't change.
You gave me the wrong cabin.

I'm supposed
to have a private one.

No, you're not.
You're not a ship's officer.

Oh, um,
what am I gonna do about Pearl?

I can't have my girl
bunking with me and bubba.

You brought a girl
onboard?

Yeah, you should see her.
She's a real knockout --

Spencer!

Wait, let me see
if I can squeeze her in

with one of the mermaids.

Thanks, Ms. McCoy.

I don't get it.
If I'm not a ship's officer,

then why do I have to wear
a uniform?

Spencer, come to my office.

We are going to read

the employees handbook
together.

[ Imitates coins clattering ]

♪♪

[ Rock music playing ]

[ Song ends ]

[ Laughter and applause ]

Oh, I could go
and freshen up.

Thank you.
I'll be right back.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, god.

I have felt better after a game
against the raiders.

I don't believe this.
Your plan is actually working.

-I'm jealous.
-Why?

I've never had that much success
lying to a woman.

Well, I guess I have a face
you can trust. [ Chuckles ]

Now, if my knees, ribs,
and shoulders hold together,

I'll be fine.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the international lounge
proudly presents the mermaids.

[ Applause ]

[ Disco music playing ]

♪ I've got a chip
on my shoulder ♪

♪ with your name on it ♪

All: ♪ knock it off ♪

♪ so don't you stand there
foolin' ♪

♪ if you don't want it ♪

♪ knock it off ♪

♪ I'd say you're
cheating on a lover ♪

♪ or you are a liar ♪

♪♪

♪ so don't you push too hard ♪

All:
♪ you're playing with fire ♪

♪ you can make your move ♪

♪ step across the line ♪

♪ touch me one more time ♪

♪ come on near me ♪

♪ I wanna take you on ♪

♪ I know I can't lose ♪

♪ and I'm the girl for you ♪

♪ if you just have me ♪

[ Spencer
imitates siren wailing ]

Don't look.

Oh, Spencer.
Please don't ever do that again.

-You scared me half to death.
-I'm sorry, Vicki,

but it's an emergency,
and I need your help.

You sing, right?

-Yes.
-Great.

You're booked in the lounge show
tomorrow night. See you.

Spencer, wait a minute.
What are you talking about?

Oh, Judy said the, uh, scheduled
performer canceled out.

She got into a shouting match
with Mac the Blackjack dealer

and lost her voice,
so you're in.

Spencer, that's wonderful,
but I can't.

Please, Vicki. I need to score
some points here.

I promised Judy
I'd find a singer.

-I can't.
-Why?

Because my father
has this policy.

No relatives are allowed
to perform in the lounge.

No problem. I'll have
a little talk with him,

and I'll straighten it out.

Spencer, wait.

[ Shoes squeak ]

Listen, please.

Don't hassle my father
right now.

We're spending the day
alone together tomorrow,

and I want everything
to be perfect.

It may never happen again.

Okay. I understand.

-Thanks.
-All right.

-Ace, ace, do you sing?
-You already asked me.

[ Growls ]

♪ Make your move ♪

♪ make your move ♪

♪ just across the line ♪

♪ just across the line ♪

♪ one more time ♪

♪ get near me ♪

♪ I wanna take you on ♪

♪ I know I can't lose ♪

♪ I'll be lovin' you ♪

♪ if you just ♪

♪♪

♪ get near me ♪

[ Song ends, applause ]

♪♪

Good morning,
and welcome to mazatlán.

We hope you enjoy your day.

When we get to the Plaza,

let's find that man
who does the charcoal portraits,

and we'll get one done
of just the two of us.

-Great.
-Surprise!

-[ Gasps ]
-Oh!

-Mwah.
-Oh! [ Laughs ]

I thought you were staying
in Fresno.

Oh, uncle Alvin
was starting to get to me,

so I figured I could finish
the wedding plans right here.

Besides, I missed...

This.

Your timing was perfect.

Another minute, Vicki and I
would've been off the ship,

right, ?

Yes, another seconds, and we
would've missed you completely.

This is wonderful.

Now the three of us
can spend the day together.

Uh, why don't the two of you
go ahead and go without me?

I don't wanna
get in the way.

No, nonsense.
No, no, Vicki.

Oh, merrill,
why don't we show Vicki

that cute little restaurant
we discovered last week?

Felipe's by the sea.

♪♪

-Hi, honey, sorry I'm late. You
having fun?

Spencer, sleeping on the floor
of the dancer's cabin is not my
idea of fun

I rolled back and forth all
night

how about me?

I had to share a cabin with
bubba. He walked in his sleep

on my face

where have you been all morning?

I had a whole bunch of
important stuff I had to take
care of

want a newsletter? Here

listen Pearl, I realize this
cruise didn't turn out the way I
planned but

let's try to make the best of it
okay?

I got some time off tonight,
we'll got to Mazatlan.

Okay

uh, Spencer?

Gopher said to tell you that the
chairs for the bingo game hadn't
been set up yet

-right!
-Right.

You wouldn't want to help me
with those chairs would ya?

There's a free bingo card in it
for ya.

Right. Pick you up at six.

-Hi.
-Well, if it isn't my tireless
dance partner

oh, I haven't danced that much
in a long time. I am so sore.

Really? I feel great.

I wanted to thank you for taking
my mind off business for awhile.

Hey, how about a trip to the
bar.

Oh, I'd love to but I can't.
Have to go over our player's
roster

must make those cuts.

Well, just don't overlook the
value of experience.

Guys like Kareem and Pete Rose,
the older the better.

I thought you didn't know
anything about sports.

You piqued my interest.

(Laughing)
Listen, tomorrow when we dock at
puerto vallarta

why don't I take some time off?
We'll go in and paint the town
red.

I'll get my brushes ready.

(Laughing)
All right.

-Evening, Vicki.
-Hi.

Hey, I heard Emily flew down,

spent the day
with you and your dad, huh?

Oh, it was great, ace.

We went to this quaint
little restaurant.

We found a table for two.

But they were lucky enough
to find a chair

they could stick in the aisle
for me.

Course I was in the busboy's way
all the time.

You know, it took me an hour
to get the ranchero sauce

off the back of my neck?

Oh, I'm surprised
you didn't have a good time.

Emily's a lot of fun.

Yeah, she's a real blast.

You know she bought me a sweater
in the market?

-Oh, that's nice.
-Gave me a rash.

[ Laughs ] Good evening,
ace, Vicki.

Oh, Vicki. You cleaned up
good, sweetheart.

-Hello, ace.
-How are you?

Oh, Vicki, listen.

Since your father's gonna be
tied up on the boat tomorrow,

I thought that you and I
could go into puerto vallarta,

just us girls, you know?

I don't think so.
I'm all shopped out.

All right. We'll stay here,
just bum around the boat.

No, thanks.
I'm not into bumming.

Vicki, did you tell ace
what Emily bought you?

Yes, as a matter of fact,

I was going to make it the lead
story in the ship's newspaper.

Sorry about that, Emily.

Well,
it was a long day today.

We all get a little crabby
when we're tired.

I've never seen you crabby.

And I've never seen you tired.

Now,
isn't this more like it?

Yeah. I had fun
tonight at mazatlán.

And the night is
still young.

But, uh,
what if bubba should come in?

Oh, he's in the galley
tenderizing beef for tomorrow.

I think he uses
his bare hands.

[ Scoffs ]

[ Door rattles ]

[ Pounding on door ]

Who's in there?!

Open this door!

-Spencer, is this you?
-Bubba?

Yeah! Open this door, man.

-Ah, you can't come in.
-What?!

It's, uh, too dangerous!

There's a vicious, uh...
[ Snarling ]

There's a dog in here!

[ Continues snarling ]
Aah!

Hey, I ain't afraid
of no dog.

Open this door. Let me in.
I'll filet that hound.

Uh, no, bubba, save yourself!

[ Continues snarling ]
Aah!

Where is that mutt?!

Uh, uh,
I trapped him in the bathroom.

Listen.

[ Imitating dog barking
in distance ]

What is
your mother doing here?

Uh, the dog chased her in here.
I was trying to save her.

Oh, I like a guy
who tries to protect his mother.

Yeah, uh, look here.

I'm going to, uh, take her
to the infirmary.

I-I think she's in shock.

Um, you make sure that dog
doesn't get out, all right?

Okay.

Um, I'll send someone
back to help.

[ Resumes imitating
dog barking in distance ]

[ Snarls ]

Man on TV: This is personnel
tape number four,

defensive backfield,
player number ,

cornerback
John "hatchet man" hatchet.

God, don't any of these men
have necks?

-year journeyman acquired
by the friars two seasons ago,

he saw limited action
due to numerous injuries.

Wait a minute.

He tore knee ligaments
mid-season

while attempting
a spiral high five.

Now, when asked about
a possible early retirement...

No, I can't retire.

I don't wanna disappoint

all those female season
ticket holders. [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ]

Hatchet man, the game
has just begun.

♪♪

Hope you enjoyed your stay
in mazatlán.

Our next stop
is puerto vallarta.

You know,
my cousin Madeline

offered to bake
the wedding cake.

You should've seen the one

she made for our company party
last year.

It was a big angel food truck,
and the back opened up,

and you could see
the filling inside. Right?

Oh, sorry. I was thinking about
Vicki's little scene at dinner.

Oh, merrill.

[ Sighs heavily ]

You know, if it would
make you feel better,

why don't you go and have
a little talk with her?

[ Knock on door ]

Oh, maybe that's her now.

Good evening, sir,
Mrs. Haywood.

Yes, what is it, Spencer?

Vicki asked me
to give you this, sir.

[ Envelope rustles ]

When did she give you this?

Just before she got
off the ship, sir.

Vicki left the ship?
But, merrill, we've sailed.

"Dear dad,
I'm taking off for a while.

"Have a nice cruise
and a nice wedding

"if I don't make it back
by then.

Sincerely, your daughter Vicki."

What a bummer.

Does that mean
her cabin's available?

Why would she do something
like that?

Just a guess, sir, but I think
she could be a little teed off,

'cause you won't let her
sing in the lounge show.

-What?
-Uh, just a guess. Good night.

It's me.

I don't think
Vicki likes me around.

♪♪

Ow! Watch where
you're steppin'.

Spencer,
why aren't you in your cabin?

I thought I'd stay
out of bubba's way for a while.

He's gonna be real upset

when he finds out
he ruined his door for nothin'.

Spencer, you gotta start
taking this job more seriously.

We will.

I promise, gopher.
I'm gonna be the best

assistant cruise director
you've ever seen.

I'm even gonna find a singer
for Judy.

That'd be a help.

That,
and wearing your uniform.

Well,
I've got it right here.

[ Horn blows ]

♪♪

All ready to take on
puerto vallarta?

Well, I thought
we'd have some breakfast first.

Oh, no, no, no time for that.
I have our tour all mapped out.

Now do you know
there's an aztec temple here

that's over years old
with steps to the top?

steps? [ Laughs ]

I don't suppose they
had escalators in those days.

[ Laughs ] Oh, John,
you're so crazy.

And look, there's a -mile
stretch of river

that goes
right through the jungle.

And we can take a canoe.

Well, now,
that doesn't sound too bad.

No, the best part
is we can row ourselves.

Could we rent a motor?

Oh, no. The exercise
would do us good.

I wanna have a clear head
when I get back.

Gonna make the final cuts
on my players roster.

Amanda, I think that
there's something

that I should tell you.

Yes?

I'm really...

I am really...

I'm really
a world-class canoer,

and I should do
all the paddling.

Great.

Well, what'd you find out?

Nothing. I checked with
the American consul in mazatlán,

then the chief of police.

I even called
Felipe's restaurant.

They all said they'll keep
an eye out for her.

I'll fly back to mazatlán.
I'll find her myself.

Hi.

Vicki?

Come back here.

What?

Where have you been?

Didn't you get my note?

Yes, but that hardly
explains things.

We've been up all night
on the phone,

trying to find out
what happened to you.

Oh, well,
you shouldn't have worried.

See, I met these four college
guys at a party in mazatlán,

and they drove me down here
in their Van.

I'm surprised
you noticed I was gone.

Look, just because
you're years old,

it doesn't give you the right

to pick up and leave the ship
anytime you want to.

Dad, listen,
can we talk about this later?

I'd really like
to take a nap. Emily.

Excuse me, Emily.

My daughter and I should have
a little talk.

Merrill...

Let me talk to her.

After all,
I seem to be the issue here.

Pearl... [ sighs heavily ]

Don't ever referee a ping pong
tournament on the ship.

I've heard language
John mcenroe wouldn't use.

What are we gonna do now?

Take your mother
back to the cabin so you can,

uh, practice your dog calls
for bubba again?

Aw, that wasn't my fault.

Anyway, I thought we'd go
into puerto vallarta together.

I've got
three whole hours off.

-[ Gasps ] Three whole hours?
-Yeah.

The crew of Noah's ark
had more shore leave.

Come on, Pearl.

We did have fun in mazatlán,
didn't we?

Well --

all right. Great.

Be back to pick you up
in a couple of hours

after I call
the square dance.

[ Grunts,
imitates harmonica playing ]

[ Deep voice ] ♪ bring
your partner right around ♪

[ Resumes imitating harmonica ]

[ Curtain rings swoosh ]

[ Knock on door ]

-Oh, it's you.
-Mind if I come in?

Well,
I was going to take a nap.

But I guess it can wait.

[ Door squeaks ]

I'd like to talk.

I think it would really help
if we cleared the air

about a few things.

Listen, if it's about
the sweater, I'll wear it, okay?

Forget the sweater.
Let's get to the bottom line.

I love
your father very much,

and we're going
to get married.

Period.

And we'd like you to be happy
about that.

But if you can't,

you're at least
going to have to accept it.

I know that.

Then it's time you stopped
acting like a twit.

All right. Now, maybe
I came on too strong with you.

Maybe I tried too hard
to make you like me

because I like you.

And I want us
to be a family.

It's not that easy.

No, you're right,
and it's gonna take time.

But meanwhile, your father

is caught in the middle
of all this.

You may think that i'm
the wicked witch of the west.

But I know
that you love your father.

So you can support him in this,
make him happy.

Or you can keep pouting
and make family dinners

a real drag for all of us.

Well, I guess that's
all that I have to say.

So you can take
your little nap now.

[ Door closes ]

♪♪

Oh, oh. [ Laughs ]

Oh, I think the feeling's
coming back to my knees.

I can almost feel
where the cartilage used to be.

You climbed all steps
to that aztec temple?

Oh, this will all be worth it
if I can keep my job.

So, what's your next move?

Are you gonna tell her
who you are?

Or do you go to training camp
with a bag over your head?

Timing, my man, timing.

-Hello.
-Hello.

I'll take over.

Wow. Oh, that feels good.

Ah, well, I guess
you don't need my help.

[ Door closes ]

I hope our little tour
didn't do you in.

I noticed you limping.

Just a knee injury
acting up.

Hmm. Was that the one
from the Dallas game of '

or the Pittsburgh game
of ' ?

Game's up, hatchet man.

You know, if you hadn't
been so deceitful,

I wouldn't have run you
all over puerto vallarta.

You knew.

So, what was this, John?

"I'll romance
the new lady owner

so I can have a good laugh
with the team" type thing?

No, no, it was more like
"I'll romance the new lady owner

so I can -- I can stay
with the team" type of thing.

Well, since you seem to be
so concerned about your contract

for next year...

-[ Sighs ]
-You can have it.

[ Door closes ]

Spencer: Pearl, wait.

Pearl, don't be
angry with me, okay?

Why should I be angry?

Just because you took me
into puerto vallarta

and paid no attention to me?

Wait. How can you say that?

I took you to every nightclub
in town.

You took me
to every clip joint in town.

You know, nightclubs
don't open in the afternoon.

That's why they're called
nightclubs.

Well, at least you got to see
places most people --

most tourists
never get to see.

Spencer, I saw places

most vice cops
don't get to see.

It's business, Pearl.

I was trying to find a singer
for Judy.

Those joints only have
strippers in them.

I thought some of them
would start singing.

-[ Sighs ]
-Look, try to understand.

If I'd found a singer,

it would've made
a big impression on gopher.

He'd see I could be a good
assistant cruise director.

I hope you made
a good impression on him

'cause you're making
a lousy impression on me.

We hope you enjoyed your stay
in puerto vallarta.

Our next stop is
the port of Los Angeles.

[ Knock on door ]

Yes?

[ Door closes ]

Dad?

Sir?

Vicki.

I just wanted to apologize.

I've been very rude to you
and Emily the past few days,

and I'm sorry.

Thank you for saying that.

It's just that I see
how happy you are with Emily,

and...

I was just afraid of...

Afraid of what?

Of losing me?

[ Sighs ]

Yeah.

Sounds pretty selfish,
doesn't it?

No.

I can understand
how you might think that.

You can?

Well, then can you explain
it to me?

Why would something that makes
you so happy make me so sad?

Sweetheart...

Parents are used to seeing
changes in their children,

their first day
in school, their first step,

their first date.

And as much as we wanna
keep our children

years old forever,

we know that someday they're
gonna grow up and leave home.

I guess that's kind of hard,
isn't it?

Mm-hmm.

Now, the hardest part
is for

the children to accept
their parents

for the changes
in their lives.

They want us
to be predictable.

You know, you're right.

I always thought of you
as...

Predictable.

[ Chuckles ]

I mean...

[ Sighs ]

Well,
it never occurred to me

that you'd be
getting married again.

Well, it never occurred to me
either. [ Chuckles ]

Oh, Vicki,
I'll always love you.

And I'll always be there
for you.

I wish we'd had this
conversation two weeks ago.

So do I.

It's all my fault.

I was so swept away
by Emily,

I didn't stop to think about
how all this was affecting you.

I'm really sorry.

I'll be okay.

Maybe it'll be better
once I get to know Emily.

I know it will be.

And just so you know,

I haven't forgotten
how to be your father.

Who were those four college boys
in mazatlán?

[ Chuckles ]

Well, actually,

it was a minister
and his wife from Indiana,

and they gave me a lift
in their station wagon.

[ Laughs ]

Now, that's my girl.

[ Both laugh ]

♪♪

[ Knock on door ]

Ow.

[ Groans ]

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to hurt your knee.

That's okay.

Ow.

[ Door closes ]

This one -- this one
pops right back in.

Oh.

Look, I've got something
I'd like to say.

Now, please, don't beg.

I am not here to beg.

I'm here to apologize.

I've always thought I could
charm my way into anything.

Now I know why they call
football a boy's game --

'cause of guys like me
who never grew up.

I wanted so desperately to stay
in the game,

I lost track
of everything else,

including other people's
feelings.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry
I wasn't straight with you.

[ Door closes ]

In your face!
The kid is hot! Yeah!

Ace, modesty.

Oh, give me a break.
She won the last seven games.

That's enough for me.
Thank you for the match.

Oh, sure.

Quit just when I've found
my rhythm, huh?

Emily?
Do you have a minute?

I've got a few things
I'd like to say.

That's fair enough.

I guess I did all
the talking the last time.

I've been giving a lot
of thought to what you said.

And I've decided that if
anybody's gonna marry my father,

I'm glad it's gonna be you.

Well, thank you.

Under the circumstances,
that's a hearty endorsement.

Well, I admit, it took me
a while to get used to the idea.

That's all right.

I didn't expect cartwheels.

We'll just
take it nice and easy,

and hopefully we'll become
great friends.

I'd like that.

By the way, when am I gonna
hear you sing in the lounge?

When chickens wear mukluks.

My father's got
this longstanding rule.

So I can handle
your father.

You just tell me
when you're ready.

Are you serious? Uh, now!
I could sing tonight!

But you're never gonna get
my father to budge on this one.

We'll see.

Just make sure you've got
something to wear tonight.

Is this the sweater
that I bought you?

Yeah.

Good grief,
what was I thinking?

You could get a rash
from a thing like that.

♪♪

[ Laughter ]

So then
the presidential motorcade

pulls into the parking lot.

[ Imitates tires squealing ]

[ Imitates vehicles vrooming ]

[ Imitates tires squealing ]

[ Imitates knocking on window ]

[ Muffled voice ]
Mr. President?

[ Imitates knocking on window ]

[ Muffled voice ] Mr. President?

[ Imitates window whirring ]

I'm real sorry, sir.
But your motorcade's

completely screwed up
the valet parking lot.

[ As Ronald Reagan ]
Well, here we go again.

[ Normal voice ] Thank you
very much! Good night!

[ Applause ]

♪♪

Sorry I'm late.
Occupational hazard --

everybody wants to have
a picture taken

with the captain.

See, if you weren't
such a handsome dog,

they would leave you alone.

[ Chuckles ]

Where's Vicki?

She'll join us
in a few minutes.

You know, merrill,
I was wondering,

why haven't you ever let
Vicki sing here in the lounge?

Well, I just don't think
it's a good idea

to have
a family member perform.

Well, that never stopped
ozzie and Harriet

or the osmonds
or the partridge family.

I know we have precedence.
But, uh,

I don't want her walk out there
and feel embarrassed.

Why?
Isn't she any good?

Oh, I think she's very good.

But I'm her father.

Well, the only way you're ever
gonna find out if you're right

is to let her sing.
Let the audience decide.

Come on, merrill.

Give her a chance.

Okay.

If it comes up again,
I'll let her sing.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the pacific Princess is proud to
present one of its own family --

miss Vicki stubing.

[ Applause ]

[ Playing ballad tempo ]

♪ I can't remember
when you weren't there ♪

♪ when I didn't care ♪

♪ for anyone but you ♪

♪ I swear ♪

♪ we've been through everything
there is ♪

♪ can't imagine anything
we've missed ♪

♪ can't imagine anything ♪

♪ the two of us can't do ♪

♪ through the years ♪

♪ you never let me down ♪

♪ you've turned my life around ♪

♪ the sweetest days I've found ♪

♪ I've found with you ♪

♪ through the years ♪

♪ I've never been afraid ♪

♪ I love the life we've made ♪

♪ and I'm so glad I stayed ♪

♪ right here with you ♪

♪ through the years ♪

♪ through the years ♪

♪ when everything went wrong ♪

♪ together we were strong ♪

♪ I know that I belong
right here with you ♪

♪ through the years ♪

♪ I never had a doubt ♪

♪ we'd always work things out ♪

♪ I've learned
what life's about ♪

♪ by loving you ♪

♪ through the years ♪

[ Song ends, applause ]

That's my daughter!

Thank you.

That was
a very pretty lady.

Not like hatchet man to
turn down such an opportunity.

It is incredible, isn't it?

[ Chuckles ]

Look,
I just want you to know

I'm not cutting you
from the team

because of what you did.
It's strictly business.

I have a lot
of talent coming up,

and I need to make room
for them.

Hey, I understand.
I had my sh*t.

After years, it'll be nice
to have my sundays back,

do a little fishing,
put football behind me.

That's too bad.

I was hoping
that you'd consider coaching

the defensive secondary.

Coaching? Me?

Why not?

Be a shame to waste
years' experience.

You're serious?

I'll see you
at training camp.

-Right.
-[ Chuckles ]

Hey, why -- why don't I
buy you a drink?

-Ah.
-It'd be strictly business.

I'd -- I'd write it off
and everything.

You know, even if we
did have a relationship,

it wouldn't make
any difference.

You don't do your job,
you're out on your clipboard.

I wouldn't expect
anything less.

Oh.

[ Sighs ]

-Aah!
-You can't come in.

Uh, look, bubba,

if you're still angry
about that trick with the dog,

I apologize, okay?

Forget it.

Well -- well, then,
can I come in?

I'm dead tired.

I can't let you come in.

I've got company.

You got, uh, company?

Yeah.
Something wrong with that?

Oh, no, no, no, not at all.

It's cool, brother.
It's cool.

Pearl, is that you?!

Okay, now that you know,
I've got your mother in there.

She isn't your mother,
is she?

No, uh, not really.

Yeah, I didn't think so.

You don't look nothing
like her.

[ Sighs ]

[ Imitating sirens wailing ]

Abandon ship.
This is not a drill. Repeat.

[ Continues imitating siren ]

[ People murmuring ]

♪♪

Well, we hope to see you
again very soon.

Well, we hope you'll see us
again soon, too,

in the super bowl.

And, gopher,
thanks for everything.

If you're ever in town and you
need tickets for the game,

give me a call. I have
connections with the owner.

Aha. [ Laughs ]

-Bye-bye.
-So long.

Spencer, you don't need
to drive me home.

Bubba and I
are going to the opera.

Pearl and bubba.

Mnh-mnh-mnh.
Pearl and bubba.

Interesting couple.

Pearl got just what she
was looking for --

a man with a cabin
of his own.

Spencer,
staff meeting tomorrow morning.

I'll be there.

I've got some new ideas
on the way this ship is run.

Oh, that would be a nice change,

hearing your ideas
before you try 'em out.

And by the way, you will not be
rooming with bubba next cruise.

Terrific. Who?

You'll be rooming with Chang,
the karate instructor.

[ Stifles laugh ]

Not another weirdo.

Chang is perfectly normal.

But if he asks to break
a brick over your head,

I'd go with it.
[ Snorts ]

[ Makes crashing sound ]

-Oh, yeah.
-Terrific.

Oh.

You're gonna have to have lunch
without us, merrill.

We are doing
some serious shopping today.

Fine. Well, Vicki,
this is for you.

Get yourself something
really nice.

Thanks, dad.
Oh, I know the perfect place

there's this shop called
the cosmic shop,

and they have these fabulous
iridescent parachute pants.

-It's fabulous.
-Really?

You know what I wanna find?

-Red, washable silk jumpsuit.
-Washable?

Excuse me,
but I seem to be confused.

Uh, do you plan on
wearing this for the wedding?

No, no. We're gonna shop
for the wedding tomorrow.

Today is just for fun.

Bye, dad.
Thanks for the money.

I have a feeling
this is just the beginning.

♪♪

♪♪