10x01 - The Shipshape Cruise

[bunniefuu]

[Theme music playing]

♪ Love ♪

♪ love, exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ love is
life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making
another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something
for everyone ♪

♪ set a course
for adventure ♪

♪ your mind
on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ love won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making
another run ♪

♪ welcome aboard
it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard
it's love ♪

Dearly beloved, we are gathered
here today, in the sight of god,

to join this man
and this woman in the bonds
of holy matrimony...

Emily, are you okay?

I just love weddings.

And this one just reminds me so
much of mine and your father's.

Except for the roses,
of course. And the palm trees.

And the fact that
we were married on the ship.

Come to think of it,
it's not the same at all, is it?

They love each other.
And we love each other.
It's exactly the same.

[Minister]
Would you join hands, please.

Do you, Adam bricker,
take this woman to be
your lawfully wedded wife,

for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer,

in sickness and in health,
from this day forward?

I do.

[Minister] And do you,
cheri Sullivan take this man--

-i do.
-[All laugh]

Then by the power vested in me,

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

["Wedding march" playing
on steel drums]

[Phone ringing]

[Softly] Hello?

Good morning, mother.

No, I didn't pick up
laryngitis on the plane.

No, you're not interrupting
anything, mother, unfortunately.

Oh, I'm sorry, dear.
I didn't mean to wake you.

I just called to see
if you're having a good time.

Of course I am,
I'm with Boyd in San Juan

and it's our first
family vacation
in three years.

No, not "family."

In order to have one of those,
somebody generally has
to be married.

Will you stop? I have
a great job in an exciting city
and a wonderful relationship.

I don't need a marriage license
to prove my life is terrific.

No, you don't, dear,
but it would make me

the happiest mother
in Kansas City if you did.

Of course, I realize,
that's not important, but--

you know this is
a great connection, mother.

You sound like you're
just downstairs instead of
, miles away.

Eh, yes, well,
have a lovely cruise, dear.

I've got to run now.

-I love you.
-I love you too, dear.

Bye-bye.

Okay, Manuel,
put the pedal to the metal.

We've got a lot of San Juan
to see before you drop me
at the island Princess.

A health-and-fitness cruise,
merrill, this is
a great, wonderful idea.

Look at all this.
Maybe I'll finally figure out
how to use all this stuff.

As if you needed to.

You are a shameless flatterer.

I like that in a husband.

I also like the idea of having
experts on board who can help us
with all this hardware.

With the right diet
and the right exercise program,
cute workout clothes...

Yes, an idea whose time
has come.

Vicki, let me see that sign
on the other side, please.

Thanks to my two helpers, here.

You know, if they
hadn't come up
with the concept--

and hired the entire
shipshape staff.

Yes, we might have been taking
a "szechuan cooking cruise"
instead.

Sounds like we're a hit.

Let's see what the passengers
have to say first.

Well, you know, if I could
end up with a figure like that,

i would sign up for every one
of Dr. Thomas's classes.

Hey, it's not too late. We can
still go back to the airport.

Yes, it is, and no we can't.
Don't you even think about
getting off this ship.

You've just got butterflies
about teaching all
those classes.

Get your mind
on something else, like...

Like the fringe benefits
a cruise ship has to offer.

Isaac, did you get the supplies
I asked you to get?

Isaac, did you hear me?

Dr. Thomas.
Hi, I'm Vicki stubing.

-Hi, how are you?
-Hi.

We're counting on you
to teach us all a thing or two
about getting shipshape.

Oh, Vicki, this is my friend,
Doris Johnson.

Hi, welcome aboard.

Hi, I'm along to carry
her books. Would you like one?

Only if Dr. Thomas
will autograph it for me.

Let me see, you are
on the Baja deck, cabin ,

which is through the lobby
and you take the elevators
to the left.

All righty.

Thanks a lot.

Enjoy your cruise
and I'll see you later.

Thank you.

Bye-bye, nice meeting you.

Did you get those-- Isaac.

Mr. Washington.

Yes, sir?

You're supposed to be
checking the passengers in,
not checking them out.

Uh, no, sir. I mean,
yes, sir. I mean--

he means, he's sorry, sir.

[Doc] Excuse me,
is this where we check in?

Mm-hmm.

Doc? Cheri? What is this?
What about your honeymoon?

This is our honeymoon.
Cheri has never been
on a cruise before,

and I've never been on one
where I didn't have to work.

So the special medical team will
take care of the diet program,

and you two will enjoy
your cruise. Perfect.

Isn't he just the sweetest man?

Uh, doc I don't
have your name here.

I wanted this to be
a surprise to everyone.

Check under
"Mr. and Mrs. Ben Casey."

Ben Casey. Oh, yeah
here it is. Doc, that's funny.

I thought so.

I don't get it.

The TV doctor. Ben Casey.

I'm a doctor. He's a doctor.

It's a series.

It must be an old one.

[Laughing]
She's so young. So young.

Oh, my god!

What is it, darling?

Come, look
in the gift shop.

[Chattering]

Oh, darling, a honeymoon cruise
through the Caribbean
with the man I love.

Oh! You're too good to me.

You're easy to be good to.
I love you, boogie-bear.

Hello.

Hi.

Hi, we're Mr. and Mrs.
Steven riskin.

-Newlyweds?
-All eight hours.
How did you guess?

Well, your husband just had
this look in his eye.

Uh, let's see Mr. Riskin...
Oh, yes, you're on
the aloha deck, cabin .

-Right.
-Enjoy your cruise.

With a wife like this,
who couldn't?

Uh, Julie that couple
that just checked in?

-You know them?
-Not "them." Her.
She's my ex-wife.

Which one? You've had five!

Wife number two. And cheri
thinks she's wife number one.

This is it. Our own
little palace of love.

Any old place with you
would be a palace of love.

Let's take a look.

Uh-uh. This way.

[Both laughing]

Right this way, my darling,
to our sea-going hideaway.

This is so exciting!

Trust me. The excitement
hasn't even begun.

[Groans]

Sweetheart? Are you okay?

It's just a trick back.
An old football injury.

I didn't know
you played football.

I didn't. I fell down
the bleachers going
for hot dogs and beer.

Uh, can I help you?
I'm ace Evans,
the ship's purser?

Darnell. Mrs. Harriet Darnell.

Stevens. Yes,
Mrs. Harriet Darnell Stevens.

It's probably under "s".

Thanks for the hint.

[Captain over pa]
We'll be weighing anchor
in minutes.

All visitors ashore please.

[Ace]
Okay, here we go, let's see.

You're in cabin ,
on the coral deck, Mrs. Stevens.

Enjoy your cruise.

Mrs. Stevens?

Oh, hi.

Carol Darnell.

Darnell? You're not traveling
with an aunt or something?
Or distant cousin maybe?

If I am, it's news to me. Why?

-[Laughs] Just wondering.
-Say listen, can you tell
us where the fiesta deck is?

Yes, fiesta deck, okay.

Well, you just go through
this door and down the stairs
to the right.

-Great.
-Hey, you're Boyd Hughes,

most valuable player
in the national league.

Three years running.

Well, I'm selling real estate
in San Francisco right now.

It's a little easier
on the old elbow, you know?

I'll never forget
the back-to-back shutouts
you pitched in Chicago.

I'm looking forward
to picking up some
training tips from you.

Thank you very much.
You know, it's kind of nice
to be brought out of mothballs,

-even though it is
for a week or so.
-[Chuckles] Yeah.

We'll see you later.

See you.

That way, yeah.
Ship's purser.

Here's to a very, very
special relationship.

Oh.

[Chuckles]

And here's to a very special
man, who I love very much.

Oh! Happy th birthday.

Uh-uh. Wait just a minute,
not for five more days.

Let's just not rush me
into middle age any sooner
than we have to, okay?

Besides...

Besides, we have something
more important to talk about.

Carol...

After three years of--

unwedded bliss.

-Yeah.
-[Both chuckle]

I think we are ready to,
you know, kind of move
on to the next plateau,

-kind of expand our horizons...
-Oh, Boyd, that's wonderful.

...and establish
a more open relationship.

Open? More open?

Look, look, honey,
don't misunderstand me,

I think that what
we have is... is terrific.

But I think that it could be
even more terrific if we...

If we just kind of, you know,

spiced it up a little bit by...

-Seeing other people.
-How can you say that after
three wonderful years together?

Carol. Look we've got to get
some life back into our lives,
experiment a little--

we have a great life.
At least I thought we did.

Sweetheart, honey,
is it so wrong

that we want to make sure
we're not just staying
together out of habit.

I mean, because it's
on our schedule?

What? On our schedule?

You want to see something that
isn't "on our schedule"? Watch!

So, miss McCoy, how much notice
would you need to pull together
a wedding reception?

Impromptu, but tasteful.

Well, that all depends.

Cruise ship weddings
aren't usually
"spur of the moment" things.

-But I'd be happy
to talk to somebody...
-Ah, hold that thought.

[Ship horn blowing]

[Vicki over pa]
Ladies and gentlemen say
hasta luego to San Juan,

as our shipshape cruise heads
for Martinique.

Another guava delight,
miss Darnell?

What the shipshape cruise
lacks in alcoholic content,

we try to more than make up for
with creativity.

No thanks, Isaac.

Okay.

[Sighs] But I could use
another cabin.

Something wrong with
the one you were assigned?

Yes, there's a snake in it.

Mom! What are you doing here?

Well, I thought it was
about time I saw that
mystery man of yours.

His name is Boyd, mother.

After all, it is three years,

and none of us is getting
any younger.

I sent you pictures.

I told you everything about him
but his collar-size.

If that wasn't enough,
you could have just come
to San Francisco--

you know me, dear. I would
never intrude on your privacy.

You don't call this intruding?

Well, it wasn't supposed to be.

So where is the mystery man,
Boyd, anyway?

Over there.

Any more questions?

Yes. Uh, bartender,

could we have another round
of drinks here?

Doubles.

Oh, uh, Dr. Thomas, um...

I'm Isaac Washington.
I tend the bar--

i mean the health-juice bar,
all natural flavors' worth.

Sounds like we're
in the same racket,
Isaac Washington.

Will I be seeing you
in my class?

If I can juggle my schedule.

[Chuckles]
Then I'll look forward
to seeing your juggling act.

And I'll look forward
to seeing your, uh, seminar
on stress management.

Its effects on cardiovascular
flow, low-density lipoproteins,

that sort of thing?

Uh, yeah.
That sort of thing.

Dr. Thomas? Don't you think
it's time to get started?

[Laughs] Oh, I've got to go.

I don't know what I'd do
without Doris. I'll see you.

You know, I'm really fascinated

by cardio-protein flow
and low-density lipo-vasculars.

You are?

I can hardly take
my eyes off them.

I mean, I read about them
all the time.

They're my specialty!

Oh, really?

Well, Dr. Thomas's, actually. I
could talk about them for hours.

I think they're fascinating.

Carol, life is like
falling off a bicycle.

Thank you, mother.
I'll remember that.

You know what I mean, dear.

You have to get back up
on your feet,

under the tropical moon,
find somebody else.

Hey, Fred,
how about an orange juice, huh?

Now, this nice young man--
ace, isn't it?

Yes, ma'am.

This is my daughter, Carol.

-So, you two are related.
-Small world.

Ace, Carol and I thought
you might like to join us
for a drink.

Mother, please...

Well, that's awfully nice but...

-Just a sort of
get-acquainted glass...
-Mother.

...of Caribbean cheer.

Excuse me, I, uh,
have an appointment.

It's her first time at sea.

I'm sure she'll be
fine tomorrow.

Uh, bartender...

Can I get you folks anything?

Uh, yeah a couple of
margaritas, please, Isaac.

Coming right up.

Wait, wait,
What'll it be for you?

[Laughs]
Just kidding, just kidding.

A Margarita will be just fine,
thanks, Isaac.

Okay.

So, Angela.

You come on these cruises
very often?

No. This is my first.

Mine, too. You see?

We have something
in common already.

[Chuckles] Hey.

The ole Boyd Hughes
training tip number :

"Never start a week at sea
with a sunburn." Ah!

I think, maybe we should
do something about this.

What did you have in mind?

I've got some
oil back in my cabin.

I'll bet you do.

And when the drinks come,
we'll go back there and--

listen, sorry.
Maybe some other cruise.

And let me give you
a little "training tip."

Get yourself a new line.

Ciao.

This is harder
than I remembered.

You saw me?

Yes!

-[All chuckle]
-You know, I'm really
looking forward to this.

The food on
a health-and-fitness cruise
has got to be spectacular.

Yeah, that's one way
to describe it.

Well, what do you think?

I think I don't recognize
anything on my plate.

This is arugula, jícama,

alfalfa sprouts, bean sprouts,
and pine nuts.

High in vitamins and minerals,
and low...

In everything else.

Now, I thought you'd all want
to sample the alternative menu

that I cooked up
for the cruise.

Well, it certainly
is different.

And the portions are small.

That's a good try, Emily.
A very good try.

But what's the alternative
to the alternative menu?

I tried. Waiter.

From the Atlantic
to the pacific,

may our honeymoon be terrific.

This is all so romantic.

Me, a girl who's never really
traveled much outside of Oregon.

You, a man of the world,
who rhymes.

It's like something
out of a movie.

An affair to remember.
Cary Grant and Deborah kerr.

Who?

I'm sorry. What movie
were you referring to?

Rocky iv.

Sylvester Stallone
and Talia shire.

Ah. Romance, romance.

Uh, cheri, what would you think
about eating in our stateroom?

Oh, we have the whole trip
ahead for that, sweetheart.

Besides, I just love sitting
here and watching people.

They're so fascinating.
Like that woman right there.

She looks so glamorous,
so worldly. Don't you think?

I love to make up stories
about strangers. I'll bet
she is a woman with a past.

A past?

I'll bet she's left behind
a trail of broken hearts.

And broken dishes.

Down boy,
I think you need an appetizer.

All I need... is you.

I'll sign you up
for the gourmet tour.
Right after dinner.

You know I look at them
and I see us.

What do you think of
when you look at them, honey?

Pot roast.

-What?
-I think I'll have
the pot roast.

It's good, it's ready,
and we can be finished

and back in our cabin
before anyone notices.

-What are you talking about?
-I don't know.

I really don't know. I mean,
you've got me so nervous.

I'm like a kid.
I'm babbling, look!

I'm babbling now. Make me stop.

Oh, Adam. I love the way
you have such fun with life.

Too much to choose from.
How can I possibly decide?

Maybe we should
just stick to champagne.

It seems to work
for that couple.

Will you excuse me?

I have to powder something.

Where are you going?

Uh, excuse me
just a minute, my darling.

I forgot to tip
the maître d'
for this great table.

But we were assigned
this table when we boarded.

Then I'll tip the purser.
I'll be right back.

How could you do this to me?

Me? How could I? How could you?

[Both] I'm on my honeymoon!

You are?

You're married?

But she's so young.

And I suppose he's
collecting social security?

Did you marry him or adopt him?

Steven is an attorney.

Or he will be
when he graduates.

He's still in school?

Law school.

Well, soon.
At the moment, he's a gymnast.

State champion
three years in a row.

What about Shirley temple?

She's a professional woman.

Oh, really? In what field?

Cheri's in the, uh,
food services.

Let me guess,
a waitress at clown burger?

An assistant manager.

Does she know you've
been married before,
let alone to me?

Not a clue. What
about the contortionist?

Gymnast. No, he doesn't know.

And I would like to keep it
that way. Deal?

Deal.

You look good.

A lot of years.

Happy?

Ecstatic. You?

Delirious.

Ecstatic. Delirious.

That's not bad for two people
whose life together
was stormy and miserable.

I'm happy for you, Adam.

And I'm happy for you, Elaine.

Now please stay out of my way
for the rest of the trip.

We'll take different seatings
for meals. You go early,
we'll go late.

-No, you go early.
I remember how hungry you get.
-Thanks.

And different decks
for sunning. We can do it.

If we work this out right,
we'll never have to see
each other again.

As long as we live.

[Vicki over pa]
Good morning,
shipshape cruisers.

Get a fresh start today working
off those excess calories

at our jogging tract
on the lido deck.

Okay, ten more laps,
then a high-carb,
low-Cal breakfast. My treat.

Well, dear,
count your blessings.

At least your prince turned into
a toad before the honeymoon.

You know there are a dozen
cute available young men
below on the sundeck.

I'll save you a chair.

All right, mother.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Morning, miss Darnell.
Are you feeling better today?

Yes, Carol, please.

Okay.

Look, I want to apologize
for yesterday.

Ah. It's okay. I understand.

-You do?
-Yeah, sure. Your mother
explained everything.

-She what?
-It's all right.

Sooner or later,
something like that
happens to everybody.

When was the last time
it happened to you?

Oh, you'd be surprised.
At least I hope you would be.

Let's just say that
working on a cruise ship
isn't exactly great

for lasting relationships,
unless you're into seagulls.

No "girl in every port"?

I sure could use one today.

I got a cable from some friends
of the family with a place in
Martinique.

They're sending a car to pick me
up... and I sure would hate to
go alone...

Well, that sounds suspiciously
like an invitation.

Why don't you call it
a no-strings chance
to test-drive Martinique.

You'll have fun and you'll be
helping out a deserving purser
at the same time.

-What do you say?
-My good deed for the day?

Yeah.

I say yes.

Great, I'll meet you
on the dock?

Yeah.

Okay.

Sorry I fell asleep
so early last night.
It must be the sea air.

That's all right we have
plenty of nights ahead of us.

And it was time I reread
the ship's manual anyway.

Here we are.
And the sun is just right.

Oh, the sun,
the pool, the ship...

Everything is just right, Adam.

Isn't this just
the best honeymoon ever?

Well, it's
certainly right up there.

Of course, it's the only
honeymoon we've ever had.
Right, sweetheart?

Oh, absolutely. I've been
waiting for you all my life.

You swim like a mermaid.

Oh, sure. I'm a regular
Esther Williams.

Who? You mean, Darryl Hannah.

Who's he?

Oh, hi.

Oh, no.

That does it.

The pool is ours!

The other pool is
yours. There are two.

Well, how the hell was
I supposed to know that?

-Do you two know each other?
-Yes, and this is just like her.

-You two sound like
an old married couple.
-An old divorced married couple.

Divorced? You were married?

Well, you've done it now,
Elaine.

You used to be Mrs. Him?

It wasn't really like
a marriage. It was more
like a prizefight.

Three hundred sixty-five
rounds a year.

That's right,
with no winner's purse.

Why didn't you tell me?

You thought I was perfect.

I still do.

A divorce doesn't change that.
It only means she wasn't right
for you, and I am.

Do you believe that?
Do you really believe that?

Because that's exactly
the way I feel.

How about you, darling?

Does it change
the way you look at me?

It makes you a woman of mystery.
A woman with many secrets.

-I could tell you a few of them,
save you a lot of trouble.
-Adam.

I think this is wonderful.

It's like family--
the four of us all setting
off on new adventures.

New lives together.

Out with the old,
in with the new.

Out with the bad air...

I didn't mean that.

We know what you mean.

And you really don't mind?

It doesn't change anything?

No.

Let's hear it for the ' s.

Modern romance.

Okay, I hope you guys are
warmed up and ready for
a really advanced workout.

'Cause here we go!

[Funk music playing]

Come on.

To the side.

Go on for it.

Reach. Reach.

Whoo! Come on! Left.

One, two, three, four. Whoo!

She's really something, huh?

You mean from
a purely physical perspective.

Uh, well, yeah. That too.

But the woman
who wrote that book
is one terrific lady.

[Captain over pa] Welcome
to the French west indies.

We're now docking
at the Pearl of the antilles,
Martinique.

The name means
island of flowers,

and hibiscus, anthurium,
and orchids grow wild

in its tropical climate.

While we're here,
shop fort-De-France

for French-made goods
at island prices.

Sample callaloo, a savory
French-creole delicacy...

Along with fresh-caught
local seafood...

Or swim at the many
black sand beaches
that ring this sunny island.

But whatever you do,
enjoy yourselves.

Oh! You make Martinique
sound so wonderful.

Thank you.

Let's play hooky. Let's go
ashore and see the sights,

and pretend we're tourists
for the day.

You know that is such
a good idea,

I was just about to
think of it myself.

Were you just about to think
of packing a picnic lunch?

A loaf of bread, a jug of wine
and the sights of Martinique.

What do we got in there?
Steak sandwiches? Seafood salad?
Black forest cake?

It is the perfect lunch for
the health-and-fitness cruise:

Cracked wheat crackers
with soy paste, mineral water,
tofu on toast.

Sorry, I asked.

-It's not a bad way to see
Martinique is it?
-No.

Our own private tour,
a car and driver.

Lucky I have friends like you.

Lucky I have friends
like the Johnsons.

It's so peaceful.

Yeah, it is.

This is the first time
I've relaxed since...

Well, I'm just glad you
talked me into coming along.

Glad enough to miss your plane?

I'd better be. [Laughs]

Yep, you'd better be.

It's beautiful, this island has
everything. Lakes, waterfalls.

Exotic birds...

How did you do that?

Well, it's a special talent.
And some peanuts.

How did you know
about the peanut part?

Well, I'm a closet naturalist,
field-and-stream division.

That's how I got interested
in photography. Here. Come on.

There we go. There we go.
Come on, come on over here.

Here we go, come back
just a little bit.

Okay, here we go, say cheese!

Cheese.

[Camera shutter clicking]

[Captain over pa]
We're leaving the sights
of Martinique behind us

as we head for the island
where Dutch tradition
and Caribbean beauty

combine the best
of both worlds:

Friendly, picturesque Aruba.

Dinner and dancing?
If I didn't know better,
I'd say this was a real date.

Well, after the wildlife tour
this afternoon, it's the least
I can do to say thank you.

No. Thank you.

Great.

You two look wonderful together.

Ace, uh, why don't you
sit down and join us.

Oh, okay sure, why not?

Good evening.

Hello.

Isn't it nice to see
everybody on the dance floor

having a good time?

Yeah.

Let's keep it that way.
Right, ace?

Right, Julie.
[Clears throat]

I think duty just called.
I'll see you later.

-Good evening.
-[Ace] Can I talk to you
for a minute?

You make a perfect couple.
Everyone says so.

Everyone agrees with you
when you say so.

And don't get any ideas.
He's just a friend.

And that's enough right now.

Well, of course, dear.

And then, and then this man--
this nut you're married to,
cheri--

he put $ in nickels
in the jukebox

and played Cole Porter songs
all night.

Cole Porter? Is that a group.

Cole Porter.
The composer.

"Begin the beguine,"
"you're the top"?

Black guy. Played the piano.

No, no, no,
that was nat king Cole.

How do you keep them all
straight? It's easier today.

Sting, sade, prince.
I mean, you can't mix them up.

-[Laughs] I certainly can't.
-She's got a point.

Well, it's been a great night,
but Elaine needs her beauty
sleep. 'Til tomorrow?

-Good night.
-Good night.

Elaine?

I'm sorry. Old habits die hard.

Very old habits.

I guess it's just being
on the ship with you again.

You were on
this ship together?

Not since our honeymoon.

-You honeymooned on this ship?
-Only the once.

I'm sure neither of us has made
a habit of it. Good night, all.

Good night.

Oh, sweetheart.

This modern attitude of yours
is really wonderful, darling.

I'm glad to see that
you've been reading the book,

but the basic theory explained
in the book is that

if you keep your pulse rate at
or % of the average rate,

your body will start
oxidizing its reserves,

otherwise known
as "burning off the fat"...

You know, you and Dr. Thomas
speak a whole other language
from guys like me.

"Metabolic rates,"
"polyunsaturated
whatchamacallits."

I figure if we're going
to communicate,

I'd better learn your language.

I'd love to teach you, Isaac.

You would? That's great!

[Laughs]
What are you doing?

Wait, before you ask
what a nice girl like me

is doing behind a mound
of paperwork like this,

-i told ace I'd cover
for him today.
-Can you file these for me?

Yeah, sure. Listen, while i'm
filing and cross-referencing,

would you please take this down
to the lost and found for me?

I'll do better than that.
If there's an ID in it,

I'll take it back to the owner.

Let's see...

Uh-oh.

I don't like the sound of that.

I don't like the looks of it.

Doris Johnson's picture on
Dr. Thomas' driver's license.

-Dr. Thomas?
-Hi, Julie.

Oh, you're looking for
Dr. Thomas. I think she's
still out on the lido deck.

No, I think she's
right here in her cabin.

Courtesy of
the lost and found department.

You figured it out, all right.

Charlene Thomas, phd,
at your service.

And the woman
I thought I hired?

Doris.

She doesn't need a degree
in nutrition. She was born
with that body.

So you two just
traded places? Why?

Would you take
a fitness class from somebody

who looked like the "before"
picture in a weight-loss ad?

Your "shipshape" program
doesn't really work?

Oh, it works, all right.
But diet and exercise
can only do so much

for a body that has
a mind of its own.

You see, body fat doesn't just
run in my family, it gallops.

Hereditary, I'm afraid.

That's why I got
my phd in nutrition,

to develop a program that works.

And mine really does,
for everybody but me.

I'm really sorry, charlene.
But now it's our problem.

You're not going to make me walk
the plank or anything, are you?

No, I won't,
but the captain might.

See, he's got this funny,
old-fashioned attitude about
fraud and misrepresentation.

Come to think of it,
if anybody's in trouble, I am.

I'm the one who hired you
long distance.

I don't want you to take
the blame for anything
that we did.

Maybe we should just tell
everybody the truth,

that this is the shape behind
"get shipshape with charlene."

Not if it's gonna embarrass you.
Your publisher--

Julie, since I met Isaac,

I've been thinking that
maybe this isn't all
I've got to offer.

Give me a little time.
I'll work something out.

All right.

[Upbeat music playing]

You know, she could be
his mother. I wonder what
they have in common?

They're probably both
in love with his body.

Come on, Adam. Let's join them.

Now? Shouldn't we wait a while
until the next class starts?

I mean, they've been bending
and stretching for a while
and we're still brittle.

Don't you like aerobics?

Like it? I love it.

I prescribe it
to my patients all the time.

Well, then, come on!

Adam!

Come on, Adam! Unless you
don't think you can cut it.

It's just...
I just showered.

Oh, all right.

Good work, you early birds!
All right, that's it for now.

But for you die-hards,
the advanced class is at : .

Well, that wasn't so hard.
Nothing like a good workout
to get the blood circulating.

Anyone for a few laps
around the deck?

-Sure.
-Come on.

Come on.

Are you joking?

Aw, come on. You know
how I hate to run alone.

Oh, come on, Adam.
It'll do us both good.

After the aerobics workout?
Well, go ahead if you like.

All right, see you in a lap.

Uh, can I buy you
a carrot juice?

No. You can buy me
a bloody Mary.

Hey, ray,
two bloody Marys please.

You really keep up
with him. I'm impressed.

Don't be. It's all an act.

A grand illusion to make him
think I went to high school
with cyndi lauper.

[Laughs] Thanks, ray.

Where did you two meet, anyway?

Over marinated mushrooms
in a salad bar.

He had his eye on my mushrooms.

I had my eye on his muscles.
I suggested a trade.

I met cheri on
a flight to Portland.

Let me guess, she was going
to a cheerleaders convention.

No! She was coming back
from a cheerleaders convention.

All giddy and excited,
curious, sweet.

She reminded me--

-reminded you of?
-Nothing.

Go on, tell me. I won't laugh.
She reminded you of your niece?

The daughter you never had?

She reminded me of you.

A new record! [Exhales]

Now, if you want to throw
a slider, you take your arm
back like this,

way back like this-- hey.

Okay, guys lesson's over.

Hey, what--

how can you spend your time
clowning around like this

while my daughter is
quietly going to pieces?

"Your daughter"?
You're Carol's mother?

Now, wait a minute.
All I did was just suggest

that we ought to date around
a little bit, that's all.

Anyway, look,
it looks like poor Carol

is making a pretty speedy
recovery, wouldn't you say?

Unfortunately,
what you're looking at
isn't romance, it's therapy.

Although, why she'd prefer
an arrested adolescent

to someone as thoughtful
and caring as ace...

Is beyond me.

Carol...

Look, I want you to know
I'm sorry about how
this has all turned out.

I really wasn't trying
to break us up, I just--

trying to have
your cake and eat it, too?

It must seem that way,
but... remember the way
it used to be with us?

So intense we couldn't stand
to be apart?

Isn't it a little late
to be talking about
the "good old days"?

They were great times, Carol.

I want them back.
I don't want to be just
comfortable with somebody.

I want to be obsessed,
in love. Wanting to call you
three or four times a day.

I want that feeling,
that excitement back again.

I want that too. We all do.

It doesn't mean you have to
give away everything you have.

I hate doing
the same old things
all the time.

I want to feel close,
I want to get crazy
sometimes too.

So why didn't we?

We had a good run, three years.

But the fire just went out.

Maybe for you.

But it's your party.

I wish I could bring you
the excitement and the love,

but I can't.

I guess there's
nothing else to say.

I hope you find
what you're looking for.

[Ace over pa]
Clear the decks for the most
unusual aerobics class yet,

a musical tour of the ship.

-[Dance music playing]
-[All] Whoo!

Come on, feel the burn!

All right.
Don't slow down!

Very impressive, aren't they?

It's amazing how anybody could
fake her way through that.

"Fake her way"? Who's faking?

Uh, well, I guess
I would be, dad,

that is,
if I had enough energy

to take one of Ms. Johnson's--
uh, Dr. Thomas's classes,

unlikely that it is.

Miss McCoy. The passengers
are really getting into
our shipshape cruise.

I owe it all
to you and Vicki.

Well, I can't take any credit.

Not really.

Nonsense, Julie.
You can take all the credit.

If you hadn't hired Dr. Thomas,
I wouldn't have planned
this whole cruise around her.

-About Dr. Thomas--
-she's a real dynamo,
isn't she?

I don't know how
we'd do this without her.

You couldn't have made
a better choice.

I'm really
very proud of you, Julie.

-[Snapping]
-Six, seven, eight.
And that's it!

Oh, she's terrific.

Uh, sir, I...

Is there something
you want to tell me?

I'm just glad that
everything's under control.

At least I thought it was.

Hi, Isaac.

Oh, Dr. Thomas,
you know after your class,

i thought you could use
a little ph-balanced
electrolyte replacement.

Well, if you're offering me
something cold and wet,
I accept.

Oh, great. On the menu,
this is called
"Caribbean kaboom."

It's strictly fresh
cran-apple juice, protein
powder, lecithin, a banana...

Easy, Isaac. I won't
have any room for dinner.

Oh, we wouldn't want that.

Because then you couldn't
join me at my table tonight.

And possibly tomorrow night.

If that's a dinner
invitation, I'd love to.

[Upbeat music playing]

Doesn't anybody ever touch
on a dance floor today?

Sure, like in slam dancing?

Oh, I'll pass.

I've always considered dancing
a romantic pastime,
not a demolition derby.

I like the way you move.
What do you call that dance?

A little bossa nova
and a lot funky chicken.

A lot of funky chicken?

It was a dance.

Oh, right. Cole Porter.

Close enough.

[Song ends]

[Slow, big band music playing]

Small world.

Small ship.

Now, isn't this a wonderful
number? Now this is music.

Sounds like something
from the ' s.

How about the ' s?

The ' s? Really?

Benny Goodman, Tommy dorsey,
Andrew sisters.

They were the pointer sisters
of their day.

You could hum the tunes,

you could understand the lyrics.

Would you like to dance,
sweetheart?

I don't like to dance
to songs I don't know.

I'd like to dance.

Oh, no, I've got two left feet
at something like this.

Why don't you
and Dr. Bricker go ahead?

What do you reckon, Adam?
Can you cut it?

"Arthur Murray taught me
dancing in a hurry."

Cheri? Hey!
What's going on?

That's what I'd like to know.
Can't you put her on a leash
or something?

Don't you see
what's going on over there?

They're dancing.

In each other's arms.
Who dances that way anymore?

Look, if you think it's
a problem, Elaine and I
will just stay out of your way.

Do that, will you? Just keep
your wife away from my husband
and we'll all be happier.

Okay.

You know, this fitness cruise
has really brought us together,

helping each other,
encouraging each other.

Yeah, you know I've never felt
closer to either one of you.

And there's no feeling
of competition.

It's like we're all members
of the same team.

Congratulations, team,
you've each lost one pound.

[Together] Only one pound?

After all that work? Rats.

Maybe a little competition
isn't such a bad idea after all.

With a prize for
the most weight lost?

Maybe dinner for two
at any restaurant we choose?

Well, see that's the idea,
incentive.

And merrill will spring
for that, won't you, dear?

Well, why me?
I don't have anything to do.

He's so supportive.

Well, maybe we can have
a little talk over breakfast.

Dad, if I'm going to get
that dinner-for-two,
I'd better skip breakfast.

I've got an appointment with
the sit-up board in the gym.

Well, if I hurry maybe I can
catch that first aerobics class.

Thank you so much, dear.
You won't regret this.

Can you spare a minute
for a soon to be ex-passenger?

So, this time
you're really leaving us?

Got a ticket and everything.

How am I going to break
the news to the captain?

He takes this sort of thing
very personally.

Somehow I think
he'll get over it.

Ace, I want to thank you
for being there when
I needed a friend.

Well, I think you've
got that backwards.

Being with you the last couple
of days reminded me

how wonderful things can be
when two people take the time
to get to know each other.

I'd forgotten what it's like
to just play...

With someone I've come
to like very much.

Good luck, Carol.

You're very special.

I'll never forget you.

Uh... I didn't mean
to do that. I'm sorry.

I'm not.

Hi, Dr. Thomas-- I mean--

hi, Julie.

Um... Doris is terrific.

She could aerobicize
the body fat off
anything that moves.

But, well, she's not the author.

And she's not the expert.
She's not you.

If the captain finds out,
we could all be in big trouble.

And, well, you did say
you'd take care of everything.

I'm sorry, Julie. I was sure
I'd have everything handled
by now, but...

I've had my mind
on other things.

Dr. Thomas-- charlene--
is something wrong?

I said I'll handle it!

[Vicki over pa]
Welcome to the former Dutch
colony island of Aruba,

with its picture book
deep-water harbor

and pastel-colored free port
shopping capital, oranjestad,

exotic Aruba is as neat
as the Netherlands,

as exciting as the Caribbean
with its colorful mix

of Dutch windmills, casinos,
and beautiful beaches.

Cheri? Where's Adam?

I'm meeting him here.

He has a surprise for me.
And Elaine?

She said she, uh,
had a surprise for me too.

Oh, god.

[Horn honking]

We rented a car.
For the four of us.

No tour buses for us.
We're going to show you Aruba

like nobody's ever seen Aruba.

Pile in!

What a wonderful idea.

Oh, Adam, you know I get
carsick in the back seat.

No problem. You remember
the route as well as I do.
You two sit up front.

This won't work. It's a stick.
I can't drive a stick.

Okay.

I'll drive
and you can guide.

Oh, darling, I know
how you hate it when I do that.

I'd remind you
of your mother.

We'd have an argument
within the hour

and spoil everyone's day.

All right then cheri can drive

and the girls
can sit up front.

And Steve and I will
sit in the back.

Adam...

Cheri.

You can't drive a stick either?

I can't drive at all.
I never learned.

Well, you were
busy cheerleading.

So...

Uh...

Any ideas?

We've already paid
for the car.

Well, there seems
to be only one solution.

Why am I not surprised?

This won't be so bad.
And you'll love the island.

We did on our honeymoon.

[Julie over pa]
We hope you enjoyed
picturesque, romantic Aruba.

Coming up, that marvel
of yankee know-how
and determination,

the Panama canal.

You know, I knew
I was gonna be having dinner
with a beautiful woman,

but I never counted on warm,
bright, witty, charming...

Oh, you're so sweet.
That's really nice of you, but
I never thought of myself as...

No, no, no, really,
I mean it.

And as nice as you are
in person, in print
you're incredible!

You know, your book
could have been a dry,
boring "health talk."

But you made it all
so interesting.

You have a really great insight

into how people feel
about food, about themselves.

Oh, what's the use?

Take this back and bring me
the prime rib, baked potato
with butter and sour cream.

And follow it up
with a chocolate sundae,
extra whipped cream.

Nobody's been interested
in my mind before.

It's one of your
most attractive qualities.

Isaac, I think we may be having
dinner under false pretenses.

Well, I must admit I did try
to crib a few buzzwords

from your secretary
to impress you, but--

Isaac, look-- wait.

There's something
you should know about me.

Well, not "me" exactly, but...

It's just
a very complicated story.

[Loud, discordant polka music]

Oh, thank goodness--
a familiar face!

What's wrong, Julie?

Well, you know how they say
bad things come in threes?

Mm-hmm.

This is Mrs. Winslow's
third number.

She's going to k*ll off
passenger talent night
singled-handedly,

unless... can you help?

How?

Do you sing, tap dance,
juggle, tell limericks?
Anything. I'm desperate.

Well, I sing a little, but--

oh! Perfect. Come with me.

Thank you, Mrs. Winslow,
for a listening experience
we're not likely to forget.

Thank you. And now,
ladies and gentlemen,

may I introduce
miss Doris Johnson.

What do I sing?

Anything.
Whatever you feel like.

["Good morning
heartache" playing]

♪ Good morning, heartache ♪

♪ you old gloomy sight ♪

♪ good morning, heartache ♪

♪ thought we said goodbye
last night ♪

♪ I tossed and turned
until it seemed you had gone ♪

♪ but here you are
with the dawn ♪

♪ wish I'd forget you
but you're here to stay ♪

♪ it seems I met you
when my love went away ♪

♪ now every day I start
by saying to you ♪

♪ good morning, heartache
what's new? ♪

♪ Stop haunting me now ♪

♪ can't shake you no how ♪

♪ just leave me alone ♪

♪ I've got
those Monday blues ♪

♪ straight through
Sunday blues ♪

♪ good morning, heartache
here we go again ♪

♪ good morning, heartache ♪

♪ you're the one
that knew me when ♪

♪ might as well get used
to you hanging around ♪

♪ good morning, heartache ♪

♪ sit down ♪

Thanks.

The drink is on the house,
or at least on the bartender.

I don't accept drinks
from strangers.

I thought I knew you.
I guess I was wrong.

You don't have to be nice to me
anymore, Mr. Isaac Washington.

You already got what
you really wanted. You used me.

No, I wasn't trying...

Well, I did but I didn't mean--

save the explanation for someone
who hasn't already heard it
a hundred times before.

[Captain over pa] Join us
on the lido deck for fitness
with a tropical flair.

A Caribbean carnival!

[Steel drum music playing]

Well, it looks like
I missed another flight.

Yeah, looks like
you'll have to stay on board,

unless you're still in a hurry
to get back to San Francisco.

Not anymore.

Oh, he's okay,
just keep going, everybody.

Go on. Yeah, just keep...

Let me get you to this chair.

All right. There you go.

I could call the medical team,

but I'm sure they'd say
it's just a strained muscle.

You're lucky.
From what I've seen,

you've given your back
quite a workout
these past couple days.

Well, only if you count
the wind-surfing, the jet ski,

and the inner-tube race
over the waterfall.

Don't you think you ought
to hang up your lampshade
for a while

and let somebody else
be the life of the party?

Come on, Julie.
This is a pleasure cruise,

or did I read
the wrong brochure?

It's also
a health-and-fitness cruise.

If I were a doctor,
I think I'd prescribe

a good night's sleep,
followed by several days
of acting your age.

I'll tell you what,
you tell that to
my first pair of bifocals,

or my blood pressure,
or the inch that doesn't
go away anymore,

no matter how
many times I "pinch" it.

I've seen the future
and it's a retirement
community in Florida.

Mm-mmm.

Oh, come on Boyd...

You don't get it, do you?

I'm the birthday boy.

Tomorrow is my th.
Not , but close enough.

My life is half over--
the good half.

Once I let go,
Julie, it's all downhill.

So I'm not letting go.
Not for you, not for Carol,
not for anybody.

That was a wonderful,
imaginative idea
you had today, Adam.

Renting the car, getting
off the beaten path like that.

It didn't take imagination.
It just took a good memory.

I enjoyed it then.
And I enjoyed it today.

And your new bride?
How did she like the tour?

She's been a little quiet.
I think it overwhelmed her.

She's really very sweet.
I'm happy for you both.

Does she know what
a wonderful man she's found?

She should.
I tell her often enough.

Steve seems pretty
terrific himself.

He's bright and charming.

And I've seen jet fighters
that weren't as well built.

It seems we both lucked out.

Hooray for us.

Since we didn't work out.

Oh, not at all.

Not even a little.

With your temper.

And your
irritating perfectionism.

And your terrible cooking.

And your flirting.

Well, how could you let her
out of your sight like that?

I was doing my push-ups.

I think your muscles
have gone to your head.

What do we do?

We do what we can.

Myself, I plan to cry
for a number of days on end.

[Panting] I'm sorry I'm late!
What a class. I'm ready to drop!

Well, it sounds like you've
worked up an appetite for
our late supper-for-two.

Oh, merrill...

Dad is creating
a "stubing original."

Yes! Sliced lobster tail,
scampi, chunks of filet mignon.

I just thought we should have
some real food for a change.

But it's all high-protein,
low-carbohydrate--

just what the doctor ordered.

After lunch, it's supposed to be
low-protein, high-carbohydrate.

Oh, merrill.
It's the thought that counts.

Dad, some thought.
"Dinner for two"
never looked better...

Why, thank you.

...or more romantic.

Well, that was the idea.

Uh, dad...

Hmm?

Oh.

Well, I guess fitness really
takes it out of you.

Wanna stay for dinner?
Looks like there's plenty
to go around.

Dad, I'd love to, but
I'm already late for my class.

Don't overdo it.
I have a feeling a little
fitness goes a long way.

That's all right.
I'm getting used to pain. Bye.

Bye.

Now I don't have to worry about
what to do with the leftovers.

[Julie over pa]
We're now entering
the locks of the Panama canal.

Begun in ,
this man-made waterway

is our eight-hour shortcut
from the Atlantic
to the pacific ocean.

It'll be a tight fit,
but these locks can handle
even the island Princess,

with gates seven-feet thick
and six-stories high.

How's the crying coming along?

I'm getting very good at it.
I may have found a career.

-Between rounds?
-I'm hoping I'll burn.

I'd like my skin to match
my eyes. But I'm only getting
an incredible tan.

I'd settle for that.
Elaine keeps wondering

what's wrong and I don't know
what to tell her.

So I'm spending my time
trying to avoid her for now.

Some way to spend a honeymoon.

Definitely not the way
I'd planned it.

I hear you were
a cheerleader.

Oregon state.

I was there last year
for a gymnastics meet.

I was there.
Behind the orange
and black pom-poms.

And you're that Steve riskin?
High bars, rings, pommel horse.

You know me?

Oh, my god,
I have your towel.

I mean, I had your towel,
in my locker for two weeks
afterward. A souvenir.

No. Really?

Really.

Do you like zz top?

What's so funny?

Zz top. Adam thinks
they're a sports car.

[Captain over pa]
Say "hasta la vista"
to the Panama canal

and "buenos días"
to the pacific ocean.

We've just trimmed
, miles off our journey,

the distance
around South America.

Not bad for one day's sailing.
Next stop: Sunny acapulco.

I'm so relieved that
you didn't think that kiss
last night was serious.

Don't take this wrong,
but I have absolutely
no interest in you.

Now how could I
take that wrong?

You know what I mean.

Of course I do. How could
we have been so silly.

There's nothing between us.
There really never was.

It was the moonlight.
You know how that affects me.

I would appreciate it if
what happened stays between us.

It's nothing I'm too proud of
either, Elaine. We'll just
put it out of our minds.

And get on with our lives.

Take care now.

Bye.

They saw us kissing last night.

And they got off the ship
together in Panama City!

My Steve...

My cheri... your Steve!

Your cheri!
She stole my husband!

That's petty theft! He's
all muscles and animal urges.

He saw what he wanted
and he took it. My woman!

"Woman?" I have eyeliner older
than she is! And there you go
being so possessive again.

"My" woman. Just like it
was always "my" newspaper,
"my" television set!

-If you ask me,
she's well rid of you.
-Well, I didn't ask you!

But while we're on the subject.
You still snore! It echoes
through the ship at night.

The captain's had
to reassure the passengers
there isn't a moose on board.

You still chew your food
like you were a chipmunk!

I'm exercising my gums.
It's proper dental hygiene.

It's disgusting that's what it
is! What did I ever see in you?

-Exactly the same thing
I never saw in you.
-I want a divorce.

Fine!

Fine!

Oh, Adam.

I'm alone again.

Oh, don't be upset, honey.
Please. It'll be all right.

[Julie over pa] Good afternoon
ladies and gentlemen,

we are now docking in
glamorous, exciting acapulco

where you can test
your newfound fitness

swimming, parasailing, or just
plain relaxing on the beach.

Okay. time,
newsweek, sports view.
National inquisitor.

All hot off the press.
Or should I say, fresh
from the states, anyway.

Oh, great. Thanks, ace.
The passengers aren't
the only ones

who want to catch up
on the news from home.

Yeah, I know.
Save me a sports view.

Swimsuit issue.
Great invention, the bikini.

[Vicki]
Oh, no! If dad sees this...

[Captain]
Got something there for me?

Oh, no, dad. It's just
the same boring old news.

Sounds like just the thing
to put me to sleep tonight.

Sorry, dad. This copy is for
Julie. There's an article that
she needs to read right away.

Oh. Well, I'll just browse
through it until she comes by.

Not now. I mean, you know, dad,
shouldn't you be dressing
for dinner?

You know, you don't want
to keep Emily waiting.
You know how she gets.

Well, I guess it is
just about that time. Isn't
there something I can take?

Oh, sure, look, there's
a house and garden
and a ladies home journal.

Oh, and you will just love
this contemporary woman.
You just go right ahead.

[Knocking]

Ace is early.

That's all right, I'll get it.

Uh, Mrs. Darnell.

Sorry, wrong room.
The girls' dorm is
right down the hall.

Mother.

All right, come in.

Carol, you look...
Beautiful.

Thank you.

Is that a new dress?

Yes, new dress, new shoes,
new attitude.

You look pretty good
yourself.

Well, thank you.

I thought maybe we might
look pretty good together,
over dinner?

Over my dead body.

I'm afraid I have other plans.

Well, I guess I expected that.

You know, Carol, this is
not easy for me to say this...

But I was wrong about us.

Boyd, I...

[Clears throat]

Oh, excuse me, I'll just
go rinse out a few things.

You weren't wrong.

No, no, don't make
excuses for me.

I mean, I'm an adult and it's
time I started acting like one.

No, sometimes we just slip into
certain habits and patterns,

and I respect your need
to want to break out of it.

No, it was more like
falling into a rut,
and we can overcome that rut

if we really want to
and I really want to...

And I met ace!

Ace?

-[Knocking]
-Thank goodness. The cavalry!

But I love you.

Have I come at a bad time?

No. I'm ready.

Well, thanks for stopping by
and I'm glad we had a chance
to talk.

"Talk"? She didn't hear
a word I said.

Maybe you just
didn't have enough to say.

"Porterhouse steak,
prawns with wild rice."
Real food, at last.

Anything you want,
up to calories.
You see the fine print there?

Dr. Thomas is in big trouble.

So are we, if there are
any more of these on board.

Two dozen of them,
safely tucked away in my cabin.

Clever girl.

Thank you.

Captain stubing, I'd like you
to meet Carol Darnell.

It's nice to have you
join our table, miss Darnell.

And this is Mrs. Stubing.

Oh, call me Emily, dear.
Come and sit next to me.

You know everybody else, right?

Hi, Carol.

How are you?

There go. Go ahead.

Whoops!

You have a lovely navel.

[Laughs] She does.

Why do I get the feeling
I'm being brought home
to meet the family?

Carol, Carol,
you've got to listen to me...

Mr. Hughes.

Haven't you said
enough already?

No, no, it's all right,
ace, really.

Ace, what is this?

It's nothing, captain.

Carol, you're not really
interested in this guy--

hey!

It's not the time, Boyd.

Look, look,
you wanted something

that I just wasn't
willing to give you
for the last three years.

You wanted a relationship
that's closer, more equal,
more exciting.

And so do I.
And I want you to marry me.

That's an engagement ring?

Well, it's the best
that the gift shop could do
on such short notice,

but we'll replace it
with a real one
once we get back home.

I... don't know what to say.

Say yes.

Say What'll make you happy.

-But--
-and that will make me happy.

Thank you for everything.

What are friends for?

What are you doing out here
in the middle of the night?

Isn't it obvious?

The deck is less crowded
at night and I need
all the room I can get.

Will you slow down?
We have to talk.

I said everything
I had to say last night.

I'll talk and you listen.

Better make it quick. You're
cutting into my exercise time.

Okay. Can we go over here?

I'm sorry I hurt your feelings.

Right. You're sorry
you chose "the body beautiful"
over the fat girl.

And I believe you.
There. Are we through?

Charlene.

That's right, charlene.

So you know.

Yeah, and I'm just trying to--

do us both a favor.
Don't try. Just go away.

Is that what you really want?
To push me away before
I get too close?

How close are you ever gonna get
as long as there are ladies
like Doris around?

Closer than you think.

Now it's true,
Doris is a beautiful lady.

But the lady I spotted between
the lines of your fitness book

is the one I really wanted
to get to know.

Charlene, you are
a bright, attractive lady
with a whole lot to give.

So why do you keep
hiding behind Doris?

Why are you in such a rush
to put yourself down

before anybody gets a chance
to really know you?

Years of practice, I guess.

Well, that's no excuse.

It's the total package
that counts, not just
the wrapping.

Trust me, bartenders
know these things.

I wish I could believe that.

I do.

And I'll spend the rest
of the cruise proving it
to you, if you just let me.

Deal?

Deal.

[Ace over pa] Last chance
to shed that extra pound or two
in the gym as we head for home.

You know,
when you think about it,

we're going to
an awful lot of trouble

just to get dinner for two
at our favorite restaurant.

Oh, not if it's a chez Denise--
that goose liver pate that
spreads like butter

on those tiny little
imported crackers,

and duck à l'orange
you can slice with a fork.

Oh, no! Pasta primavera,
swimming in garlic and basil.

Veal scaloppini, and New York
cheesecake this thick...

You can daydream all you want,
girls, but this little contest
is in the doggy bag.

There's a table already
at my uncle Ernie's "dinner
on the cook" truck stop

with my name on it.

Don't count
your calories yet, Emily.

Nine... ten...

Hey, captain,
how are you doing?

I'm hungry, ace-- for food,
affection, reading material.

Since Vicki and Emily started
this weight loss contest,

they've been spending
all their time running laps
and counting calories.

I've had nothing to do but read.
It's lonely at the top, ace.

Yeah, well not for long.
Hi, Emily.

Oh! Isn't it
a wonderful morning?

So bright, invigorating,
full of possibilities!

Well, I'm afraid
all my possibilities
are stacked up on my desk,

in triplicate.
Bye-bye.

A purser's work.

Another class?
Are you sure you're not
overdoing it?

Oh, no, you know me-- anything
for a free meal with my guy.

Plus getting down to a size
isn't gonna hurt either.

I love you just the way you are.

Thank you. You know,
working out with the girls

makes me understand why some
of the passengers are dropping
out of our fitness program.

Just looking at
these attractive kids:
Boyd, Dr. Thomas,

it's very depressing,
intimidating.

All that youth and energy...

Not that these aren't
wonderful qualities,

just so long as they're
kept in their place.

You know, if dad sees
that scandal sheet

and realizes that the lady
who he thinks is Dr. Thomas

is really just some
aerobics instructor from
a $ -a-month gym in Hartford,

my cruising days will be over.

My days will be over, period.

Hi, looks like
you're getting shipshape.

We were just talking about
Dr. Thomas and her classes--

oh, really?

She is so trim and athletic.

It was all a mistake,
dad. Sir.

-I wouldn't exactly
call it a mistake.
-You wouldn't?

No, just more like
a "mid-course correction."

Just something we would do
differently the next time.

-[Dance music playing]
-[Sighs] There's another class
in session.

Uh, let's not go this way.

Come on, let's take a look.

[Charlene]
All right everybody,
let's get warmed up.

Knees up. That's right.

Now, to the side.

Whoo! This routine
must be good for you,
because it's k*lling me!

Charlene?

Now that's more like it!

It is?

Merrill and I were just saying
that a more mature,
full-figured instructor

would be easier for
the passengers to relate to.

Yes, if only she
were qualified to teach.

Oh, she's qualified, all right.
She's... she's just shy.

She hides it very well.

Why do I have the feeling
you two have something
to do with this?

Somehow I think Isaac deserves
the credit for this one.

And the two of you?

It's a long story, sir.
A very long story.

You can tell us all about it,
right after we sign her for the
next health-and-fitness cruise.

Where have you been?

I've missed you.

Elaine.

What are you doing here?

We have a lot in common, Adam.

We share a lot of memories.

I'm not sure I'm prepared
to give them up again.

I'm not a gymnast. I don't have
the body of a -year-old.

I did, but she left me.

I'm no cheerleader.

But what do you say?
For old time's sake?

No.

For all the times still to come.

Oh!

So, what are your plans
now that the word is out?

I'm already working
on my new book.

It's time the world
got the message that
thin may be in,

but big can be
beautiful too.

Thank you for getting
the message through
to me, Isaac.

Hey, what do you
expect from a friend?

Thank you, and thank you.

Goodbye, doctor.

Hope you sail with us again.

Yes.

I hate to go.

Then don't.

I have to. My plants are dying.

Sea air is great for plants. You
could move them into my cabin.

Adam, I'm still
getting over the marriage.

Grieving over Steve?

I'm still getting over
our marriage.

Then I have to get over
our divorce,

and then, maybe I can
work on something more. Fair?

-I'll miss you.
-Not for long you won't.

I figure all this grieving
should take two weeks tops.

It turned out to be
a wonderful cruise,
no matter how it started.

In fact, it turned out so well,

that we are coming back
in a couple of weeks

for our honeymoon cruise.

And the mother of the bride?

I think she'll be
too busy to notice.

Oh, don't take it so hard, ace.

Carol isn't
the only girl for you.

My goodness, there will be
other cruises, other women.

Yeah.

Uh, just try to remember, ace,

life is like falling off
a bicycle.

Yes, ma'am.
I'll try to remember that.

Captain, I've got the results
of the final weigh-in.

-[Women] Ooh! Ah!
-And the winner is...

Well, it looks like Julie,
Vicki and Emily are all
still tied.

Does that mean
three dinners for two
at our favorite restaurant?

It's a plot to bankrupt me.

Well, captain don't file
chapter yet.

It's true, the three of you
did tie, losing five pounds
apiece...

But captain stubing
lost seven pounds.

It looks like
he's our winner.

But he didn't diet.

He didn't exercise.

He didn't do anything!

Well, I guess trying to
keep up with the three of you

burns up more calories
than I imagined.

Now, I wonder who I should take

to that romantic dinner
for two...

-Captain, you could take--
-merrill, can we talk...

[Theme music playing]