05x05 - You Don't Know Me

[bunniefuu]

♪ Hey ♪

♪ People know the
greatest when they see it ♪

♪ I'm the GOAT ♪

♪ Stingin' like a bee ♪

After two full years of
being in the real world,

I thought I came into college

with a pretty good understanding
of how people worked.

But after two full episodes
of "Blind, Drunk Love,"

I realized that my
understanding of people

was about as accurate as the
Mayan apocalypse calendar.

Tuesday nights...

seven desperate, drunk-as-hell couples,

and my homey, the day one, Annika.

♪♪

My money's on Brendon and Brenda.

They're going all the way.

Brenda and, like, the
dude with the veneers?

The only thing more stressed
than their relationship

is his mouth trying to
get around those big boys.

[Chuckles] It's not his
teeth. It's his heart.

- But his teeth are giving Big Bad Wolf vibes.
- Mm.

I still think Brenda's trying
to decide between Diego and Matt.

Not Diego.

The guy casually pulled out
a ukulele to serenade her.

You know, in Hawaiian,
ukulele translates into

"one who's never been lei'd."

[Laughs]

Noted. Never bring
up my ukulele lessons.

- He's playing the part.
- Mm.

He's always around, he makes her laugh,

and every once in a while,
he gives her the eye.

The eye?

You know, when someone just
casually stares into your eyes.

[Chuckles] I watch a lot of rom-coms.

- [Breathes sharply]
- This is what you call a slow burn.

Think about it.

Brenda and Brendon have chemistry.

Eventually, he'll realize
that the best woman

is sitting right in front of him,

waiting for him to make a move.

Hold up.

Is Annika talking about me?

Do you want some of this?

Sure.

What is she doing?

It's not even that cold in here.

Should we watch the next episode?

Yeah.

Is Annika Longstreet
catching feelings for me?

[Ding!]

♪ Watch out, world, I'm grown now ♪

♪ I'm grown ♪

♪ Learn something new every day ♪

♪ I don't know, so I'mma feel my way ♪

♪ Got the weight of the world on me ♪

♪ But no regrets, this is what I say ♪

♪ Watch out, world, I'm grown now ♪

♪ I'm grown ♪
♪ You can tell me ♪

♪ My heart b*ating so loud ♪

♪ Mama, look, I'm grown now ♪

♪ I'm grown ♪

[Inhales deeply]

[Breathing sharply]

No. I'm gonna move this one.

This is the one I'm gonna move.

Y-You've been staring at
the board for minutes.

Can you make a move?

But you can't make a move
without planning the next move

and then planning two moves after that.

You know what I'm saying?

That's the beautiful thing about chess.

It's a metaphor for life.

Yep, checkmate.

Pardon me?

- So sorry about that.
- [Door opens, closes]

Hey.

Yo!

Whoa, dude.

Why are you dressed like Drake's
stand-in for "Hotline Bling"?

You pledging?

Uh, as someone who's
pledged Gamma before,

no, don't answer that.

I'm not gonna answer that.

That's a "yes."

What would you guys do
if one of your friends...

who's female... started
catching feelings for you?

What's... What's the problem?

You know, I just don't know if
I'm ready for something serious.

The breakup with Olivia
still feels fresh, you know?

Bro, I mean, in college,
nothing's really serious.

If you have a cute coed
who's coming at you,

you just need to sit pretty and
let her come knock at your door.

You're terrible at giving advice.

Listen, man, take it
from me. I know you.

I know you're a hopeless romantic.

So it's probably best
you just take it slow,

get to know the girl,
let her get to know you,

and you guys, you know...

I think if you like her, make the move.

Isn't it time you make a move to work?

True, yeah.

Mr. One-Move Checkmate. Damn it!

As much as I love our
"Black Table Talks,"

uh, I have a job to do, so...

I want a rematch when you get back.

Yeah, b*at him first.

Could have sworn...

You know, Aaron is right.

I should take things slow,

like our efforts to
combat climate change.

[Cellphone bloops] _

[Cellphone chimes] _

Are y'all seeing this?

She responded in seconds.

Oh, she got it bad.

[Speaks indistinctly]

[Both laugh]

Oh, my gosh. Brendon is being so crazy.

I mean, come on. It's
definitely going down.

- Oh.
- Oh.

- You go first.
- Are you sure?

- Well, may... Can I just take...
- Because...

- Oh, no, you... you go.
- Are you sure?

- You go first.
- No.

There you are. Annika.

[Sighs] Hey, ladies.

Hey, pledge.

Yo, Lauryn is missing.

Are you talking about
your weird roommate

you guys are convinced
is a Russian mole?

[Clicks tongue]
Yeah, we think that bitch is dead.

Okay. Maybe she just
went home for a few days

and didn't tell the people
that she barely knows?

Mm, no. We are definitely in
the middle of an Amber Alert,

but for a white girl named Lauryn.

Y'all remember that
dead girl, Brooke Jones?

The ex did it.

But then you know who
they investigated first?

- The roommates.
- The roommates.

Slick's been listening to that
true-crime podcast "Murked."

And I'm too damn pretty for jail.

JUNIOR: Come on, guys.

Just 'cause you haven't
seen her for a few days

doesn't mean something weird's going on.

Well, I don't know.

Lauryn is into some shady sh*t.

You know she keeps a
padlock on her closet?

I mean, there could be g*ns in there.

So, is she allowed to have AK- s,

but I can't have my
hairless cat, Pharaoh?

And it's not just that.

She keeps hella weird hours.

And all those heels she brought.

Like, where is she even going?

Okay, guys, there has to be a
rational explanation for all of this.

So let's go see the RA, ask
her if she's seen Lauryn,

prove that you're all
worried about nothing,

then come back here and
watch "Blind, Drunk Love."

Uh, not you guys, just me and Annika.

Come on, g*ng.

♪♪

What is this n*gro doing?

Is he playing hooky?

♪ La da dee da dee ♪

♪ I'm a walking party ♪

♪ I'm just getting started ♪

♪ Sorry I'm not sorry ♪

♪ Every day's a dance floor,
you know where to find me ♪

_
- Hm.

♪ You ain't get the memo, baby ♪

♪ This whole world is mine, mine ♪

♪ This whole world is mine, mine ♪

♪ This whole world is mine, mine ♪

♪ Oh, hey it's you again, don't
know what you're doing here ♪

♪ This my world ♪

♪ And I think that you're new to this ♪

♪ This whole world is mine, mine ♪

♪ Baby, this whole world is mine, mine ♪

♪♪

♪ Mine ♪

- [Cellphone rings]
- ♪ Mine ♪

MAN: Hello. Reception.
How may I direct your call?

Hi. Yes, I'm trying to
get ahold of Doug Edwards.

We're supposed to grab lunch.

I'm sorry. Doug Edwards
was let go three weeks ago.

- Let go three weeks ago?
- Yes.

- Is there anything else you need today?
- Okay. No, that's all.

Thank you for your time.

- [Line clicks]
- [Cellphone beeps]

♪♪

Checkmate.

♪♪

Tiffany, I don't even know
why this is a conversation.

You live with other people now.

Please stop pooping with the door open.

We agreed to an open-door policy.

Yeah, for your room, not the toilet.

ANNIKA: Hey, Kiela, we have a problem.

Weird Lauryn's missing.

You know this same
thing happened last year?

Sophomore went missing, and
they found him on a drug binge

at some off-brand Coachella?

See? This kind of stuff
happens all the time.

Guys, let's just go back to...

She's on Friend Tracker, right?

We should track her down.

You know, anything to
get me out of RA duties.

Let me just grab my jacket.

Kiela, Reggie is missing.

I told you, you can only keep
him if he stays in his cage.

Oh, it's, um... it's her
emotional-support iguana.

Just, you know, go without me.

Of course.

Prisoners get free housing

and still have more free time than I do.

All right, ladies, we
got to go find Lauryn.

- Word.
- Let's go.

[Sighs lightly]

Hey, Junior, are you coming?

- What?
- Yeah, I need you.

No big deal.

Annika needs me.

You're the only one with a car.

You know what?
She still needs me. [Ding!]

♪ Jet plane, jet set, fly
every night like FedEx ♪

Thanks to the invasive-yet-useful

Friend Tracker app, we
were able to locate Lauryn,

who was in the shadiest
part of downtown.

We also discovered that Zeke
was at Sephora for two hours,

but that's a mystery for another day.

♪ Fly every night like FedEx ♪

♪ Okay, okay ♪

So, we are right next to Skid Row.

- Cool, cool, cool, yeah.
- I mean, it's not so bad.

You know, today's Skid Row
is tomorrow's Beverly Hills.

But what would Lauryn be doing here?

I mean, we are in the
drug capital of LA.

Clearly, she's hustling yayo,
AKA white rush, AKA snowfall.

No. That's not it.

We're right across the
street from the Pink Pussycat.

With all those heels Lauryn had...

♪ Bend it over, touch your toes ♪

... she's definitely
popping some ass for cash.

No.

Weird hours, super-shady, and
she got padlocks on everything.

Zoot-suit gangster.

Okay.

Or someone stole her phone,
and it's in that building.

Nah, bro. She really dead.

KIELA: Reggie?!

Reggie?!

Lost your glasses, Velma?

Yeah, um, I'm not in the
mood for jokes right now.

I have to find a lost iguana,

and it's just me against a
billion years of evolution.

Oh, well, you want some help?

I actually had a pet iguana growing up

who got lost all the time.

Okay, wait. Don't play
with my emotions right now.

I'm Britney-level fragile.

I wouldn't lie to you, Kiela.

Not because I'm a good person.

I'm just scared of you.

Good.

Actually, I think I
might know where he is.

Did you know that iguanas can
run up to miles an hour?

- Really?
- That's not true.

Oh.

[Knock on door, door opens]

Yo! What's good, man?

Why is it so dark in here?

How was work?

Did you make any boss moves today?

- All day, every day.
- Mm.

- Mind if I turn the light on?
- Oh, no problem.

- That's what you do at work, right?
- [Door closes]

[Chuckling] I guess.

Got something you wanna tell me?

I don't know. Is there
anything you want to tell me?

I'm solid.

Mm, solid, okay. I
got a question for you.

Are we, uh... Are we friends

or are we just... I don't know...

some college fling that didn't last?

Bro, what are you...
what are you on about?

You lied to me.

I know you got fired.

- Who told you that?
- That's not the point.

The point is, we're
supposed to be bros, bro.

Right?

Why didn't you tell me?

Bro, I'm... I'm a man,
and I can handle myself.

Sounds like you're scared
and afraid to ask for help.

I said I'm straight.

I don't need this.

[Door closes]

I think the light was too much.

♪♪

So, how long are we
supposed to just wait here?

I mean, we can't just
walk around Skid Row

asking people if they've seen
a white girl named Lauryn.

Well, someone should
get out and do something.

Not it. I mean, look at me.

- Gucci athletic wear isn't actually made for athletics.
- JUNIOR: Mm.

ZAARA: Uh, this kind of
seems like a Slick situation.

Oh, hell naw. Why me?

It's a sketchy-ass neighborhood.
Anything could pop off.

It kind of feels like your vibe.

Mm. Oh, so danger's my vibe?

Bitch, my parents named me Sharon.

I'm from Delaware.

Wait.

Your government name is Sharon?

All I'm saying is, you seem like
you can handle yourself, okay?

Oh, you big and bad, but
you're scared of poor people?

Oh, you did not just say that sh*t

- to a first-generation American.
- Okay.

My entire family...

Hey, hold up, hold up,
hold up, hold up, hold up.

- What?
- Isn't that Lauryn?

That's her, but who is she talking to?

- We have to go do something.
- Ohh.

- Not me.
- Well, Sharon ain't going.

Well, someone's got to go get her.

Junior.

♪♪

Okay.

Oh, so now y'all want me
to play my gender role.

Wow.

Fine.

♪♪

At least if I die, I'll
be doing what I love...

trying to impress a girl.

[Ding!]

♪♪

He looks scared.

Okay, so, I'm probably headed
towards my death right now

or a m*rder warehouse
or a Scientology center.

[Whispering] Or worse.

I mean, it could just be
an elaborate escape room.

Or an opium den.

- Or...
- [Door creaks]

... a recording studio?

♪♪

Can I help you?

Lauryn! [Breathes sharply]

You're that guy from my dorm floor

who cooks salmon in the microwave.

Yeah.

What are you doing here?

Well, I mean, I-I thought I
was here to rescue you, but...

Oh, my God.

Is that a platinum record?

Did Outkast record "Aquemini" in here?

- What?!
- No.

Just the backup "yeah,
yeahs" and "uh-huhs,"

- but, still, history was made.
- Ah.

So, wait. Why did I need to be saved?

Well, we saw you fighting
with that guy outside.

My producer.

But we didn't know that at the time.

My nosy-ass roommates
sent you, didn't they?

Yeah, yeah. You know what?

This is all because of them.

- Those girls are crazy.
- Mm-hmm!

Did you know I had to
put a padlock on my stuff

just to keep them out of it?

Well, maybe they're just
trying to get to know you.

You are gone a lot, so...

That's because I'm an artist
and I'm sensitive about my sh*t.

Yeah, you see, that...
that's what I assumed.

But, you know, your roommates...

they had all these crazy ideas.

I bet.

Assumptions.

You know, I know a little
bit about that, too.

I want to be the next Katy Perry.

- Really?
- No.

But I am really good.

You wouldn't be able to tell

with this demo I'm working on, though.

I'm not really feeling it.

Do you think a nosy-ass
audience would help?

I told you, I can't run in these shoes.

Literally no one told you to
wear platforms to a stakeout!

- I'm sorry.
- [Screams] Guys!

[Panting] It's a bloodbath in there!

- Oh, my God!
- Nah. Just relax. Just relax.

- I-I literally... I can't do this.
- I'm kidding. I'm kidding. She's fine.

- Come with me.
- Oh, he play too much.

I... This is why.

Nah.

♪♪

Mystery solved.

Turns out Lauryn Daniels was
just your average freshman...

with above-average talent.

So that bitch isn't dead.

I'm gonna let Slick
know everything's okay.

Sharon was too afraid
to get out of the car.

[Chuckles]

Classic Sharon.

♪♪

- Let's go, Lauryn.
- Let's go, Lauryn. [Chuckles]

%.

Didn't read the material, obviously.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Uh, yeah, sure.

You were right.

I should have told you what
was going on from the jump.

Why didn't you?

Honestly?

Straight up, I was embarrassed.

You know, your success reminds me

that I'm not where I
want to be right now.

And it's k*lling me.

I'm sorry, dude. I-I didn't realize.

Ah, you don't even know.

I'm getting evicted from my place.

I've been showering at the gym
'cause they cut the water off.

The only job I can get
is as a barback right now.

And I'm not doing that.

I mean, I've had to sell
all my things, even my PS .

Ooh! Not the PS .

Yeah, the PS .

It's like everything
I learned growing up

taught me to do things by myself.

But it's like I can't
do it alone anymore.

I need help.

I'm two days away from
living out of my car, bro.

[Breathes sharply]

Well, you don't got to worry about that.

[Clears throat]

You're my best friend.

I'm not gonna let you
sleep in your car, man.

Come on.

You can stay here.

- Thank you, bro.
- Yeah.

Thank you.

But you, uh... you got
to swallow your pride.

You got to take the barback job.

I'm not doing that, man.

You want to move in here,
you got to have a job, man.

Come on. Got to make it work somehow.

[Sniffles]

Got to start somewhere.

I'll hit Ray tomorrow.

Bet.

- I love you, dawg.
- I love you, too, man.

I got you always.

Love you, man. Appreciate you.

Yeah.

- [Sighs] I am exhausted.
- [Chuckles]

Thanks for helping me today.

I never would've guessed
to look by a water fountain.

Yeah, well, I know bugs
love standing water,

and iguanas love bugs, so...

And they're actually
really fast swimmers, too,

which makes them su...

I'll spare you the iguana facts.

[Both chuckle]

You know, honestly, I am
so sick of being an RA.

I'm constantly interrupted,
everything's an emergency,

and literally no one cares
that I have other things to do.

I care.

♪♪

Well, that is nice of you.

But I'm still stuck in the
dorms on a Friday night.

Well, rumor has it

the RAs get to keep all the
contraband they confiscate.

Any truth to that?

♪♪

♪ Cocaine kisses ♪

We got drinks.

We got mood lighting.

And I can make my world-famous
fajitas on this hot plate.

Sounds like an excellent
Friday night to me.

Yeah, well, I'll be the
judge of those fajitas.

[Can opens]

You coming?

♪ Time keeps pushin' ♪

Yes. I am coming.

[Elevator bell dings]

Okay, the last thing
that we assumed was that

Lauryn was a singer, but it happens.

You know, people make assumptions.

So maybe I should stop assuming
that Annika might like me

and find out what's real.

- Hey, Junior.
- Oh.

You want to finish watching

that episode of "Blind, Drunk Love"?

Yeah.

Uh, Annika, so, what are we doing here?

You know, I feel like we
definitely have a connection,

and there's something going
on between the two of us,

but just want to know
what we're doing...

you know, what's up?

What's up with you and me?

Yeah.

Junior, of course I like you.

I knew it!

But I'm seeing someone.

You are? Okay.

Yeah, um, no, I had... I
had already assumed that.

You know, I just wanted to take a sh*t.

Yeah, but you're cool, right?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Um, still want to watch the show or...

Sure. Go chill over there.

I'll go grab the laptop.

Cool.

Okay.

So Annika just wants to be friends.

It's not the end of the world.

Maybe that's what I need
right now... a friend.

[Grunts]

So, um, Annika, there's something

that I have to tell you
that I've never told anybody.

Okay.

I'm pledging.

Junior, you're wearing a puffer
parka in Southern California.

Everybody knows.

But your secret's safe with me.

[Breathes sharply]

Oh.

Was it really that obvious, though?

It was the most obvious thing.

Come on. I thought I was rocking it.

It's fine.

So, I hear you're
quite the chess player.

Let's see what you got, old man.

Shall we?

[Cracks knuckles, grunts]

Simple. Easy.

Why'd you do that?

Mm.

Mm.

Checkmate.

- [Bleep] this game.
- Mm.

Yeah.

[Ding!]