You tried to k*ll Kevin.
- Help! Help!
- No! Shh!
[CLANK, WOMAN SHOUTS]
Chuck's been cheating on me.
I'm offering you something real.
Being with you is going to save me?
It'd be an improvement.
No, no, no. Patti...
I brought him to the hospital.
Having him sedated in there is better
than dead in my basement.
At least now you're free to focus
on whatever you're doing to Kevin.
Somehow, I made him
famous. I can't k*ll him.
I'm stuck here like this until I die.
I figured it out.
- I know what we're going to do.
Damn it!
ALLISON: Neil.
[INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT ON PA]
Neil.
Hey.
Jesus.
Oh, the nightmare continues.
You're out of the basement.
It's an improvement, right?
Like I'm supposed to thank you?
Patty got me here.
Uh, no.
No, both of us decided
that that had to happen.
Please. With what I have over you?
Here's the thing, Neil... You
don't have anything over me.
I own you. What makes you think...
We never tried to k*ll Kevin.
You did.
You paid Nick to break in
and sh**t Kevin in his sleep.
Wait, you hired that psycho?
No. We have no connection to him.
Neither of us have even met him before.
I'm just a helpless housewife.
But you... You have a record,
and you knew Nick from way back.
You were on the hockey team
with him at Burncoat, right?
Me and other guys.
Right, but none of them were advertising
the grudge they had against Kevin
to Detective Ridgeway on
the morning of the break-in.
You came in yelling to my apartment
that Kevin had betrayed you.
- So what?
- Iknow you know what this means.
All you have is a story,
and it sounds insane.
And it doesn't really help
that it's coming from you.
So, I guess when you
really think about it...
who owns who?
PATTY: Do you really think
that's gonna keep him quiet?
I don't know.
[SIGHS]
[INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT ON PA]
Your neck looks better.
Yeah, 'cause I have like
a pound of concealer on it.
I think maybe just keeping
this all hidden right now
is the right thing to do.
What about after that?
It's not exactly true that we
don't have a connection to Nick.
I have a longer-term solution.
Ah, is that what your
voicemail was about?
It sounded like a riddle.
"I'm fine. Put it all
on me. I figured it out."
Sorry, I think I was still a
little drunk when I left that,
but, um...
there's a Dunkin across the street.
Let's go have some donuts
and I'll fill you in, okay?
No.
Okay, not some donuts. A donut.
No. I mean...
[WHISPERING] I don't want
to know what you're doing.
I really don't want to
know anything anymore.
I'm trying to fix this.
And how does that usually go, Allison?
Look, this has been the
worst hours of my life,
and I meant it when I said I'm out.
Okay.
So, I'm gonna go home,
I'm gonna get in bed
until they discharge him in the morning.
- Fine.
- Please do the same.
ALLISON: Oh.
[SOBBING]
Tanya Iacono.
You remember Tanya?
- 'Course.
- Lost her virginity
to Jay McMahon in the
bathroom at Chuck E. Cheese
in Fitchburg.
[SOBS]
Awful.
I feel for you.
I do.
But I'm usually the
one catching the affair.
So, what are you looking for from me?
Well, this... this was my niece's idea.
We wanted to see what kind of services
you offer to someone like Diane.
Someone who doesn't realistically
have the option of divorce.
I-I don't?
It's expensive. It would take years.
It would take Chuck
actually letting you leave.
So, um, do you just look into people,
or can you kind of order off the menu?
So you're looking for a way out?
- Well, I...
- Yes. Yes.
Um, I have heard of women,
you know, getting out.
They just disappear.
People assume that
they... That they d*ed.
So, how realistic is that?
You ever see "Snapped"?
No.
Do I look like someone
who would watch that?
I'm just saying, doing it is realistic.
Diane getting away
with it's another thing.
I'm sorry. I-I'm not even
sure I want to leave Chuck,
and now I'm on "Snapped"?
No, no, no, no, no. But, um...
- [CELLPHONE RINGING]
- Oh.
Ugh. He's calling.
- Ah.
- Do... Do you believe?
Yes?
Oh, you have got to be kidding me.
[LAUGHS]
Yeah. Well, it's not my fault
you don't know where
the can opener is, okay?
I don't use it.
No, I did not hide it.
It is a can opener, not a Fabra-Jay Egg.
- Excuse me for just a moment.
- 'Course.
None of your business
who I'm talking to.
DIANE: Oh, well, that's
something coming from you!
Someone who got more hair on your back
than you've ever had on your face!
Marriage, right?
Oh, yeah! Oh, no! Tell me another one!
So...
It was real nice of you
to bring your aunt down here.
Out of the kindness of your heart.
Yeah, well, she's family.
Yeah. She paid the $
retainer to talk to me.
Moron!
- Do you have $ ?
- Moron! Yes.
Now you understand it?
I told you...
Feel free to come back when you do.
Move over!
Well, it's not my fault that
we don't have better Wi-Fi!
[KEYS CLATTER]
[GROANS]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
[KNOCKING CONTINUES]
[WHIMPERS]
Hi.
- Hi.
- I know.
People who show up at front doors
without calling are very intense,
but the electricity is out at my place,
which means my phone is
dead and my heat is off,
and I swear, if I spend
one more minute there,
I might lose my little toe to frostbite.
- Oh.
- And it's the cute toe.
The other ones kind of just
look like peanut shells.
Gosh, they're all cute.
So you want to stay here?
Just until the power company
gets its act together.
Unless it's a bad time?
Not at all. Come in.
Mwah.
Hey, um, I'm glad we did this today.
The PI and the coffee.
I've missed you.
Yeah, you too, sweets.
God, you know, you ask for
light with cream and sugar,
and they always skimp.
You know, I was thinking
I'd get to see you even more
if, uh, I started working
at the liquor store again.
I thought you got that cushy
waitressing job at the diner.
Well, I do, but it's
only part time, and I'm...
I'm just trying to save up right now.
Oh, yeah? For what?
Vacation.
Mm.
Well, I already hired
Frankie DeLanzo's kid.
You know, he smells like one of
those teen stores at the mall,
but, uh, he does not quit on
me in the middle of a workday.
If you need cash quick, you know,
why don't you just hock something?
- Like at a pawnshop?
- Yes.
It's a perfectly
respectable thing to do.
Compared to what?
Oh, look, I needed money for
girls' weekend at Foxwoods,
and Chuck said no, so what did I do?
I, uh, pawned his gold chain.
He hadn't worn it in years.
Didn't even notice.
Maybe we can find
something else of Chuck's.
Well, Chuck thinks a can
opener's valuable, so...
Does Kevin have a gold chain?
No, Kevin says man
jewelry is for "I-talians."
[LAUGHS]
Oh. You know, maybe there's
something in the storage unit.
- What storage unit?
- Oh, it's Chuck's.
Kevin put a bunch of
his valuables in there
after the break-in.
Any way you can get me in there?
Uh, I mean, I'd have
to steal Chuck's key.
So, sure. Yeah.
TAMMY: You don't have to clean for me.
What? But you're a guest,
and guests are blessed
and deserve your best.
[CHUCKLES]
Allison says that.
I'm donating it.
And others.
You've been reading
that one for a while.
I need a Red Bull.
You want anything?
Is that Neil?
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
Hey.
Hi.
What are you doing out here?
They discharged me early.
Okay, um, it's...
It's freezing out, so go inside,
'cause you look...
Well, you've looked better.
Really? 'Cause, you
know, I feel terrific
after getting bottled and bleeding
from the head for...
TAMMY: Hey.
How's it going, Neil?
I was just telling Patty,
it's been a rough couple days,
but really nice of you two to check in.
And Allison.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi.
This is fun.
So, what do you think of my new haircut?
I love it.
Sometimes a transformational haircut
can be a good thing, right?
Sometimes.
Yeah, well, wasn't really my choice.
Doctors shaved a weird patch
to staple a giant wound.
Oh!
I'm so sorry. I, uh...
That... It looks so painful.
I'm just... I'm sorry that happened.
Yeah, that is pretty gross.
Tammy, can you believe I
got such bad food poisoning,
I passed out and hit my head on
the tile floor of the bathroom?
- Yes.
- He had that, uh...
He had that thing that I had.
The bug.
A few days ago.
Yeah, that bug.
Yeah, that bug.
Okay, well, if you need anything,
we're right downstairs.
Yes. I will just...
- Oh. Sorry.
- Sorry.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Okay.
- Bye, there. Bye.
Mm-hmm.
[DOOR OPENS]
- [SCREAMING]
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
[GROANS]
Allison, you home?
Oh, Neil?
- Kev!
- Oh, buddy!
[LAUGHS]
Oh, I'm sorry I was gone for so long.
I appreciate that, but
maybe you should apologize
for this hair first. Oh, my gosh.
I mean, I know this is never
what somebody wants to hear
right after a haircut,
but what happened?
- I actually...
- I mean, 'cause you have
the general vibe of a sad dog in a cone.
That's true. A lot went down...
Like, you know how they say
that sore thumbs stick out?
You actually look like that.
Like... Like a big,
red, angry, sore thumb.
What the hell happened, man?
I, um...
I passed out when I got food
poisoning and cracked my head.
I-I had to get stitches.
- It hurts so...
- I was gonna guess
that you got gum stuck in there
when you passed out in a gutter.
Oh, God! I was close!
But I'm... I'm fine.
I'm back, and I will
always be here for you.
Well, that is excellent,
if not a little intense.
But it's actually, uh, got me thinking.
You know, as a newly minted
and very, very busy local celebrity,
I'm... I'm quite overwhelmed.
I-I get it, man. I mean, I feel like...
You know, I have this
big interview coming up,
I've got ribbon-cutting ceremonies,
and, of course, I still have
my regular : -to- : job.
And I'm big enough to
admit when I need help.
Help sounds great. Yeah, thank you.
Which is exactly what I wanted to hear,
because I have the opportunity
of a lifetime for you.
I choose you to be my altar boy.
My go-to guy.
My Girl Friday!
Except I'm a boy.
Except you're a boy. [LAUGHS]
You are gonna be my
new official assistant.
Oh. A distraction
does sound pretty good.
Great! But the job is devotion, Neil.
You'll put your own problems aside
and think of only me, / .
That sounds...
amazing.
Ah! Oop!
BOTH: I'll have what she's having!
Blblblbl!
[BOTH LAUGH]
Alright, well, enough
with this nonsense.
You're on the clock. Get
me some pizza rolls.
Welcome to Chuck's
super-crucial storage unit.
bucks a month because
he wouldn't throw away
an airplane propeller coffee table.
Uh-huh.
Kevin's stuff's over there. [SIGHS]
- You okay, D?
- Oh, yeah.
I always burst a blood
vessel if I cry too hard.
So what are we looking for again?
We are looking for a stupid g*dd*mn...
Wade Boggs rookie card.
I wonder how much of our
rent he spent on this.
You got these?
Ah. Yeah. Grandma left them to me.
I used to wear them all
the time until I met Kevin
and he said they made me look like
a poor man's Wilma Flintstone.
Those are the same ones, huh?
Yeah, I always figured they were fake.
You used to wear them to work
at the Packie under your smock.
Yeah.
I like them.
Eh. I do see the Wilma Flintstone thing.
Kevin's still gonna say something.
[VEHICLE APPROACHES]
You know what?
I don't care.
[VEHICLE DOOR OPENS]
Oh, my God. It's Neil.
Um, sh**t! sh**t!
Hey.
'Sup?
I'm just here to grab
Kevin's lucky Red Sox hat
before I pick up his hot sauce samples.
I'm Kevin's assistant now.
Yeah, uh, that's, uh...
I was just here to pick up...
my can opener.
Ha!
My can opener.
You wanna see?
Sure. Oops.
NEIL: Dropped it.
Oh, shiny.
It's nice.
Yeah. Well, you know, just...
Yeah. I'm gonna...
Okay. Yeah, it's in one
of these boxes somewhere.
I'm gonna open a can.
Okay.
Bye.
Diane, who knew?
Ow. Stupid...
Alright, where are you?
Chinese.
Fun.
Are you okay?
Yeah. Yeah.
Fine.
I'm great.
So, work's been a lot.
That guy who broke into Allison's?
He had some weird pill
bottle on him when he did.
The only one not from Fiore's.
That's weird.
It's just one of those things
that you'll never understand
and you have to let go.
Every case has them.
But this guy...
I don't know.
He was weird?
Yes, it feels like an itch.
Mm. Not that one.
- Has cashews.
- So?
So you hate cashews.
Yeah, but how do you know that?
Because I pay attention.
I thought you wanted to quit.
I changed my mind.
[DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE]
- Hey.
- Hey.
Nope, nope, nope! You're
banned from the kitchen.
Pip-pip, get out of here.
Can I be pip-pip banned
from the whole house?
It's just the next two hours, okay?
I need space. I'm prepping
for my big newspaper interview.
You're drinking while
wearing tiny glasses.
That's not prepping.
Ah. I should have known.
You always act all high and mighty
when you wear those pearls.
What, you think you're better than me?
Yes.
Well, do you have a huge interview
with the Worcester paper?
No. And it's gonna decide
whether the Worcester Wild Dude
is a flash in the pan
or a household brand.
Like Coca-Cola but for Wild Dudes.
I think that's Mountain Dew.
Oh, wait, wait. Uh...
Oh, just let me be banned.
Uh, my dad says that the Wild Dude
is more aspirational
if he's not married,
so if you see the interviewer,
we're cousins, cool?
Well, being related
to you is less pathetic
than being married to you, so...
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
Hello.
Allison.
Okay, so you're still upset.
What do you mean?
You only call me Allison
when you're pissed off at me.
That's not true.
Yes, it is.
You also like to play
with things on the counter
when you're feeling flirty.
You're like...
- sh**t.
- Jesus, Allison.
sh**t!
See? [CHUCKLES]
I know that we both, uh, said
some things the other day...
Said?
Yelled. We yelled some
things the other day.
Mm-hmm.
But we've known each other so long.
Can we just try?
Yeah. Sure.
Good. Great.
So, Sam, how are you?
I'm good. How are you?
Mm.
I'm good.
Well, in the same of our deep
and longstanding friendship,
um, I'm in a bit of a
tough position right now,
and I need some money,
so I was hoping that...
Okay, I'm gonna stop you.
Um, I'm sorry you're going through
whatever you're going through today,
but, uh...
I can't give you your job back.
W-What?
No, I-I was just... I was gonna ask you
if your uncle still owns
that pawnshop in Sudbury.
But I-I don't work here anymore?
You didn't want my help anymore, right?
Well, I never said that.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Yeah, you yelled it.
Look, I-I know I-I've been
a lot lately, okay?
- [CHUCKLING] Okay.
- But I really am trying, okay?
All I want is to be Allie again.
I understand.
But I can't work with you anymore.
Fine.
And my uncle who owned
the pawnshop d*ed.
Great.
No. I... I'm so sorry that he di...
That he has passed on.
He was very nice.
[DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR CREAKS]
Neil?
Neil!
What are you doing?
- I need a hat.
- You're wearing a hat.
I know I'm wearing a hat,
but I need a different one.
I promised Kevin I'd find
his vintage Red Sox hat,
but I went to the storage unit
and dug through everything,
and it still wasn't there!
Ah, sh*t!
Shut up.
Tammy is right downstairs.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
Neil? Neil.
Please.
Please don't say or do
anything stupid, okay?
If you start this thing with Allison,
it's just gonna cause you more trouble.
And you're already...
If you need help or something...
I'm around.
Get out.
I said get out.
[DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
[SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE]
You got to wait till this one closes.
Ah.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
- What's in there?
- Smirnoff.
- And?
- Ice.
You want my help here or not?
Yeah. Sorry. Yes.
Hello.
Hello. Uh, we would
like to pawn an item.
Yep. No sh*t.
Hey, James.
Diane. Hey.
Um, sorry to hear about Chuck and Tanya.
Yeah, so we're looking
to get about $ .
That's Wade Boggs. Rookie card.
It's worth at least that.
I could do $ .
Okay, she's my niece, okay?
You can't screw her
over. So come on, $ .
Fine, but don't tell
anyone I go easy on you.
All this for a vacation, huh?
You really think a weekend in
Branson is gonna fix everything?
Worcester's a trap, Diane.
Well, that's a nice thing to say
to someone who still lives here.
So do I.
Doesn't mean we can't leave.
[KEYBOARD CLACKING]
Yeah, um, I can't give
you anything for this.
I'm actually gonna have to take it.
Take it and not give me any money?
That's not how... Not how pawn works.
Yes, thank you, but this is stolen.
Oh, no. It... No. It's not.
Um, it's my husband's.
So, legally, it is mine.
Property-wise. 'Kay?
It's not... It is not stolen.
Maybe you didn't do
it, but this was stolen.
It's in a database here as
belonging to Brenda Daly.
Stolen eight years ago.
See the back right here? "To Brenda."
I'm gonna have to report
this to the police.
Oh. N...
[LAUGHS] You are not.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
Who do you think I am?
That do-gooder Timmy
Cray over at Pawn-Porium?
[LAUGHTER]
But, um, I am gonna have to take this.
God damn it, Kevin.
You know, I've actually
been in the newspaper before.
Once upon a time, I was
Worcester's largest baby,
pounds, ounces.
Natural delivery, of course.
Wow. That's...
- Wow.
- Yep.
My head stayed pretty much the same size
since the day I was born.
Tip of the hat to your mother.
She's dead.
Uh, feel free to include
all of this in the article.
Ah, yes, my, uh, assistant is back.
Hi. I'm Kevin's assistant
and fun partner, Neil.
Bad news. I couldn't get the hat.
- Did you even look for it?
- Well, of course I did, but...
"Buts" are for excuses
and strip clubs, Neil.
Did you at least bring
my buffalo sauce samples?
I sure did. No "if"s,
"and"s, or "asses."
Ah.
Okay, gimme, gimme.
A local bar is naming
a wing sauce after me,
but so far, none of these samples
have been nearly hot enough.
These sauces have simply been too mild
for the Worcester Wild...
Dude.
You want to, uh, write that down?
Nah.
Um, Neil, uh, why don't
you go grab us some, uh,
afternoon tea and leave the room?
Yep. On it. Of course.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
What's this?
Uh, I'm gonna get out of here.
- Why?
- I have a work thing,
and then, um, I'm gonna
head to my brother's.
He's got a pullout.
His kid won't shut up about "Frozen,"
but he's got a pullout.
Dude, you don't...
If you want to stay
here, you can stay here.
[SCOFFS]
Do you want me to stay?
Yeah.
[SIGHS] U...
[SIGHS]
- NEIL: Hey, give me that.
- ALLISON: No, stop.
Give me. That's not yours.
Aah! No, no!
Aah! Aah!
- Give me that.
- Hey, hey. Stop! Stop!
Give me my phone.
[SCREAMING]
[GLASS SHATTERS]
[TEAKETTLE WHISTLING]
Neil, why does the kettle sound like
Allison trying to
explain something to me?
Sorry. I-I drifted.
Neil, what did I say about drifting?
BOTH: "It's only for cars in
the Tokyo-based installment
of the 'Fast and the
Furious' franchise."
Right. It was true then,
it's even truer now.
Come on, bud. I need you to get focused.
I know, I know. I'm trying.
A-And you've been such a
wonderful, if demanding, boss.
But I need to get my head on straight.
I gotta tell you something.
Didn't you just tell me
something, like, last week?
I mean, what else could there be?
Sh... She's trying to k*ll you.
The reporter?
I mean, that is an awfully
short skirt she's wearing.
No, no, no, no.
Not the reporter.
Allison.
Allison tried to k*ll you.
Oh, that? Oh, yeah, I knew about that.
- What?
- Yeah.
I mean, Neil, what is marriage
if not a death sentence, right?
No, no, no, Kev, she tried...
That's actually a pretty good line.
I'm gonna say that to the lady reporter
to explain why the Worcester Wild Dude
has been a bachelor for life.
- Let's go!
- No, Kev, wait.
She... She hired...
But grab those drinks first.
Sorry about that. Ready when you are.
Okay. We are all set.
So, Kevin, what would you
say is your best quality?
That's a wonderful question, Kelly.
I'd say that my best quality
is probably my ability
to keep total cool in any situation.
Would you care to elaborate on that?
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
Oh, uh, a-are you okay?
A-Are the wings too spicy?
[MUFFLED] No. No. No.
No.
[GRUNTS] Uh, no, it's...
[LAUGHS] Good. It's just, uh...
Not too spicy. I love spicy.
[LAUGHS] I love spicy.
You know...
Aah!
Whoo! Is it hot in here?
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
Oh, God.
Ooh! Eyes! Ah!
It's, uh... It's just
my eyes are sweaty.
I got sweaty eyes.
Are you sure you don't need anything?
No, no, no. A brief...
I'll be... be right back.
I promise I'll be right back.
[GRUNTS] I'm great. Don't worry.
Alright, I got...
The tea.
[GROANING]
Oh, it feels so good
to get the cold cream
on the old money-maker, you know?
Now, what was your question?
Hey, D, it's me.
Uh, I need to get into the
storage unit again tomorrow,
'cause there's got to be
some more of Kevin's stuff
I can hock.
Hock.
Yeah, hock. Ho... It
di... didn't sound right.
Uh, anyway, call me back. Bye.
Kelly?
Oh, my God. Allison Devine?
- Hi.
- Hi.
What are you doing here?
I'm interviewing this ridiculous guy...
Wait, what are you doing
here? Do you live here?
Uh, yeah. That ridiculous
guy is my husband.
Oh. Sorry.
Ah, it doesn't matter.
He's actually, you know...
The readers are gonna love
him. I mean, it's Worcester.
Yeah, you bet. You bet.
So, uh, you work at the Chronicle.
That's cool.
Yeah.
You wanna come in, answer
some questions with him?
No. No. He's all yours.
No one wants to read about me.
You were in the paper like
every other week in high school.
Well, that was a long time ago.
Come on. I could put
a little thing in there
about that relay junior
year at Nationals.
We could relive our
glory days a little bit.
I don't know if they're glory
days if you come in second.
Well, we would have probably
come in first that next year
if you hadn't have bailed.
[CHUCKLES]
I just mean... I didn't get it.
You probably could've gone
to college or something.
Maybe not BC but, like, a state school.
I never really thought about it.
What do you mean?
Everybody wanted to get out of here.
You at least had a sh*t.
No.
No, I really didn't.
[COUGHS]
Oh, thank God.
For a second, I wasn't sure it was you.
I don't want to be me anymore.
And I am so sorry, but I need your help.
[DOWN-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
Hi.
- Officers, hello.
- Hi.
- I'll see you later?
- Okay.
- Let us know if you need anything.
- Thank you.
PATTY: Ugh.
I'm sorry, is this a funeral?
- You said you were at a work thing.
- I am.
Oh, you forgot to mention
the people in mourning part.
Well, it's for Bram,
so there are really like only
two people really mourning.
Both are his sisters, and
both are as horrible as he was.
Uh, he was your partner.
Yes. He was from Charlestown,
and I was his gay, black, lady partner.
Guess how that went?
I cut him slack when he
was alive, but that's done.
Besides, he d*ed on the john.
It's hard to find that
tragic, even with Elvis.
So, this is why you've
been so sensitive?
- I'm being sensitive?
- Yeah.
You left.
Okay, I get that you're new to this.
- Women?
- Feelings.
I can deal with the commitment
freakout or whatever,
but I'm not gonna stick
around where I'm not wanted.
You are. You are. I...
Okay, I know I can be...
Resentful?
Stubborn?
Cold?
Okay, maybe don't guess.
I don't love sharing.
I'm bad at it. So, I guess...
I'm sorry. I was
feeling a little invaded.
I remembered that you
didn't like cashews.
Yeah. I obviously have a
lot of sh*t to figure out.
Whoo! [LAUGHS]
Baggage.
I swear to you, I am working on it.
Because I really do want you around.
A lot.
Okay?
Okay.
We really can't make out at a funeral.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
But, um, you want to stay for a bit?
I mean, Bram was the worst,
but he gave us an open bar.
I'd love to, but I can't tonight.
[SIGHS]
Why?
Baggage.
But I swear, I'm working on it.
You look good.
I am so sorry for your loss.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
Gentlemen, we are here
to celebrate victory.
Somehow, I was able to rally
and spin Neil's failure...
- My failure?
- Yes, I'm glad you agree.
Your failure into an article
that the newspaper lady
previewed as "Exactly
what she expected."
Oh, and despite Allison blowing
my cover about being married
and Neil's short yet disastrous
tenure as my assistant...
- Wait, I'm fired?
- Yes.
I-I'm glad you agree
that you should be fired.
The Worcester Wild Dude
continues his journey
towards fame and worldwide influence.
Oh, I feel dumber already.
Hey, where are you off to?
Hanging out with Patty.
Oh, she's still next door?
I assumed she'd moved in
with the lady cop by now.
No, no. That's on the third date.
[BOTH LAUGH]
- Leave her alone.
- Leave her alone.
Hey, uh, if you see Tammy over there,
will you tell her that
the Worcester Wild Dude
wants to do a ride-along.
And I want a key to the city.
And a-a milkshake!
I love being famous.
This guy couldn't have met you
in a well-lit coffee shop
or an office or something?
Well, he picked the spot. I
didn't want to put him out.
Are you that surprised
I'm bad at negotiating?
No. Once, I saw you pay Kevin $
so he wouldn't wear sweats to a wake.
Yeah, my cousin's, and
he wore cargo shorts.
Well, I will let you do the
negotiating from now for us.
Allison, no.
I am not here for us, okay?
I am helping you with
this one last... thing.
Just say it. Fake my own death.
Because when you go, you're
talking all this sh*t with you
- and everything you dragged me into.
- I know.
Tammy is still asking
questions about Nick.
We broke my brother.
Ever since I actually made the decision
to start talking to you,
I don't think that I've had
one day that's felt normal.
Or easy.
You're pretty much a pain in my ass,
and most days...
You suck.
I know that, too.
Well, if you're gonna be angry drinking,
the least you could do is share.
It's vodka. You hate vodka.
How do you know that?
You said it once.
PATTY: Don't run.
- Stop.
- Hi.
Took you long enough.
Sorry.
We had to walk.
To a deserted parking lot.
Can you do anything alone? Who's this?
Wh... Protection.
For the deserted parking lot.
Well, this felt safest.
I can't go to my office
right now or house.
Are you sure about this guy?
Chuck heard I met with Diane
and thinks I helped her leave.
Took a bat to the Wagoneer.
Wait, what?
I love this car.
No, no, no, no. What
do you mean "leave"?
Apparently, she's on the
road to South Carolina.
Took off in the middle of
the night, left Chuck a note.
God help her.
So [SIGHS] the $ .
[SIGHS] Yeah, um...
Well, this is, uh... This
worth a lot more than that.
You really are bad at negotiating.
You two seem like a lot of work.
But you have my services.
- Great.
- So, what are you after?
Another cheating husband?
Maybe you want to track
down your birth parents?
Uh, no. This is, uh...
much, much more complicated than that.
We're a lot of work.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm Kevin.
- Run for your life.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
PATTI: She's freaked out
and doesn't want to go along.
It's just Allison. You
really can't blow her off.
- Wow.
- Sorry, I said I would try
with her, and I will.
This is your best bet
for a new identity.
Look for a name and
background that works.
Who the hell is this guy?