03x12 - Dan's Escort

[bunniefuu]

MAN 1: Yeah, that's right.
MAN 2: Could that be a mistake?

Guess who.

Mikhail Gorbachev, you crazy nut.

- Is that you?
- Close.

Yakov.

It's me.

Your Honor.

I never even suspected.

- Hey, Yakov.
- Mac.

Uh-uh. I'm married now.

So, Yakov, what brings you
to our neighborhood, huh?

Sonya is coming.

Your wife?

Yes, let me show her picture.

No, Yakov, we've seen the picture
a thousand times and it still--

it--

It still boggles the human mind.

Are you sure that's not Brezhnev?

[LAUGHING]

Brezhnev don't have moustache.

Harry, Sonya is coming to America
from Soviet Union in three days.

And I have you people to thank
for making that possible.

Well, I'm glad we could help, Yakov.
You must be feeling real happy.

Oh, yeah.
It's been like two years without a woman.

Without smooching.

Without kisses.

Without" Without--

[LAUGHING]

I feel very--

How do you say it in English?

Excited.

That's it, excited.

Very excited.

- Hello.
- Ms. Sullivan, this is my old friend, Yakov.

His wife is flying in from Russia.

Oh, great. I'm very excited for you.

Oh, no, thanks.

I can wait couple more days.

Well, I got to be going
before the stores close.

Big mattress sale going on tonight.

But I'll bring Sonya
in three days to meet you all. Bye.

HARRY: Bye-bye.
MAC: Bye.

My. my. my.
That is one industrial woman.

Believe it or not, this would once have
been considered a very handsome woman.

Of course, I'm going back
30- or 40,000 years.

[DAN LAUGHS]

But the jest was on Nigel...

...because the club was restricted.

Remember, tomorrow.

The cubist opening at The Modem.

Be there or be square.

Get it? Cubists?

Square?

I'll pick you up at 8. Ta-ta.

Ta.

You wrinkled old...

Hey, Dan.

Your date?

As a matter of fact, yes.

Doing a little social climbing,
are we, Dan?

I am not and I resent you even think that.

Oh, well, then why are you dating her?

For money.

- Forgive me for questioning your motive.
- I happen to be moonlighting as an escort...

...because I am broke.

A very legitimate service.

“Boys Are Us.“

I will have you know that I am very proud
of what I have to offer as a companion.

I am witty. I'm charming.

- And I'm--
- Reasonably priced.

I'm on sale this month.

Sir, we can get started as soon
as Dan shows up.

HARRY:
Where is he tonight?

They're at what Rebecca
referred to as “that party for Woody.“

Woody?

- As in--
- The genius of comedy.

She knows Woody Woodpecker?

Sir, I just loved you in The Gay Divorces.

Here's a match.
Go light your breath and die.

Who's first?

- Oh, sir, please, may I?
- Miss Sullivan.

Dan, you look like a--

[LAUGHING]

It's so funny, I can't say it.

Sometimes she frightens me.

Your Honor, I apologize.
There was no time to change after work.

- Mr. Fielding.
- Yes?

You have the temerity to come
into my courtroom dressed like that...

...and you don't even have one of these?

You're too good to me, sir.

Okay, okay, I can say it now.

Dan...

...you look like a big penguin.

She is to comedy...

...what Roy Rogers is to comedy.

And although the defense has questioned
the validity of the se--

[LAUGHING]

Penguin flashback?

Oh, no, no, no!

Yakov, Yakov, calm down.

Speak slowly.

Sonya got stopped by the police
at the airport.

I never got to see her. They arrested her.

You mean they wouldn't let her
into this country?

It's common procedure
to quarantine livestock before entering.

Mr. Fielding.

Sustained.

Police and Custom people
say that her documents were phony.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Harry, what am I gonna do?

Just don't get excited.

Look, it's enough of that dirty talk.

Mac, find out where they got her.
See if she can be transferred here.

- Right.
- Bull?

Take Yakov to my office and--

sh**t him with a tranquilizer g*n?

- If you have to.
- Right.

Oh, there you are.

Well, we were getting worried,
weren't we, Pumpkins?

Why don't you give Pumpkins
a little kiss on his little nose.

His nose?

Do you know how dogs greet each other?

We don't want to make Pumpkins cross,
do we?

Was it good for you?

Come along, it's time to go.

Oh, and by the way,
there has been a change in plans.

We're not going to the opera?

- No.
- Good.

So where is it to be?

Tavern on the Green?
Put on the old feedbag?

Dan.

I want to sleep with you.

Oh, wait" Oh, Rebecca.

Dearest.

Sleep with you?

Couldn't we just get married?

You are so whimsical sometimes.

Yes, I are.

Come along.

Rebecca.

I can't do this.

You know, I believe I read in your service's
brochure that tipping is allowed.

Yes.

I'll be waiting in the Rolls.

Sir?

I found Sonya at Queens South.
They're transferring her here.

Good work, Mac.

[THUDDING]

- Dan?
DAN: Just a second, almost done.

Kind of soothing, isn't it?

I never thought it would come to this.

I mean, I am just an escort.

This is a legitimate arrangement.
Who does she think I am?

What are you talking about, Dan?

Rebecca wants me
to have sex with her for money.

Hope you aren't getting paid
by the hour.

You're not actually gonna go through
with this, are you?

Oh, no.
I'm just gonna declare bankruptcy.

Let the creditors come,
take everything I own.

Dan, you would be prostituting yourself.

What's your point?

- So then you are gonna go through with it?
- Yes.

No.

Maybe.

Right this way, folks.

- What do you think?
- Well, it's lovely.

Look, here is 10 bucks.

You call me in five minutes
and tell me there's an emergency.

And take good care of Pumpkins.

Yeah, don't drop him and crush
his little head or anything.

REBECCA:
Oh, by the way.

Here's $50.

No phone calls.

Yes, ma'am.

- My 10.
- Your mama.

Dan.

Oh, is that too hard? I will call
and have another sent up right away.

It's fine.

Oh, look, they've got cable.

No TV.

There are some very,
very enriching things on cable.

Like tonight,
we have Some Like It Wet...

...followed by On Golden Bland.

Dan.

Let's steal some of the ashtrays.

Dan, I'm not going to bite.

Unless it's called for.

I'll be right back.

Order something from room service.

What do you want?

Surprise me.

Yeah, would you send up a syringe
of your best sodium pentothal, please?

[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]

[KNOCKING]

Yeah.

She's here.

Sonya?

Ta-da.

Hello, Yakov.

Hello.

Who the hell are you?

Yakov, it's me. It's Sonya.

Somebody's pulling my naga.

Don't you wish.

Yakov, I am Sonya.

[BOTH SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]

What are they saying?

Something in Russian, sir.

You are lying.

Yakov, please.

What I told him is the truth.

One year ago, I was in bad car accident.

I did not want to worry you.

She said that plastic surgeons
rebuilt her face.

But they didn't have picture
that resemble her to go on.

I know they have scarred me.

I know they have mutilated me.

I know I'm a hideous monster.

Isn't this an episode of
The Twilight Zone?

This is a KGB trick.

You are not Sonya. You are a spy.

HARRY:
Yakov. Yakov.

Now, maybe.
just maybe what she is saying is true.

Why don't you ask her
a couple of questions?

Right.

Who pitched the third game
in 1983 World Series?

And what was his ERA?

Calm down.

Ask her something
that only Sonya would know.

SONYA:
Yakov.

[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]

What is that?

Well, there is something about Sonya
that no one else knows.

She has a birthmark on her papka.

What's a papka?

Papka is a very private pan
of human's body.

Do I have one?

Yeah, a very small one.

I want a Russian/English dictionary
and I want it now.

Right.

Harry, peoples, would you excuse us?

What, you mean
you're gonna take a look at her now?

But Yakov, if it's not Sonya,
you will be undressing a total stranger.

What's your point?

REBECCA:
Be out in a minute.

Yea, though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death...

...I will fear no evil.

Dan.

Make me feel like a woman.

Okay, get me a beer.
I'm gonna watch the football game.

Dan, the time for jokes is over.

Come. Come, take me now.

No, Rebecca--

Okay.

Ready or not.

[LAUGHING]

That's it, build my confidence.

Oh, this is wrong. This is terrible.
I deserve to die.

Problem?

It's my husband.

Your husband?

You never said anything
about a husband.

He's dead.

Thank God.

I k*lled him.

Will you look at the time?

This has been a fun evening,
but I really gotta go.

He had a heart att*ck
while we were making love.

Oh, I thought you meant
you took a g*n and:

I never realized until now
just how much I miss him.

It was the last time I had sex.

How long ago was this?

1973.

Good God,
you haven't had sex since Nixon?

I probably thought about it though
every one of those days.

Well, anyway, last week,
I just couldn't take it anymore.

So I decided...

...that I would permit myself...

...one sleazy meaningless encounter
with a nondescript, morally bankrupt gigolo.

Hey.

Who are you calling nondescript?

The point is...

...I can't do it.

[CRYING]

I just can't.

I just can't.

Rebecca, it's okay. It really is.

But why can't I? I don't understand.

Well, look. Um...

[SIGHS]

How long were you married?

Thirty-five wonderful years.

Thirty-five years?
My God, I've barely been alive that long.

Thank you, I feel so much better now.

No.

What I meant was
that you hardly ever hear...

...of anybody even staying together
that long anymore.

Well, it's easy...

...when you have a loving, caring.
compassionate man.

You see...

...my husband made himself
a multimillionaire.

So on our 25th anniversary,
he gave me a silver ring...

...out of tinfoil from a gum wrapper.

He built it himself.

Took him three hours.

He even made
the company board of directors...

...wait on a meeting until he got it done.

Well, when we got engaged,
he couldn't give me a ring.

But he gave me one that he made...

...just like this one, out of gum wrappers.

And the card said:

“Someday, I'll give you a real one.“

And the card on this one said:

“It worked the last time.

I'm not gonna take any chances
with silver.“

Sounds like you two had
what the rest of us are looking for.

I'm envious.

You know, when you let your vulnerable
side show, you have definite sex appeal.

- You're just saying that.
- Why would I say it it it weren't true?

Because I'm paying you.

Not anymore, you're not.

Let's go have some dinner.

On me.

That sounds wonderful.

Oh, Dan.

Relieved that you don't have
to go through with this?

The truth?

Yes.

And no.

I must admit, I'm a little bit intrigued.

Dan, I'm old enough to be your mother.

All right, I'm a lot intrigued.

I've k*lled before.

Right.

They've been in there two hours now.

How long can it take
to check a birthmark?

Well, at least the meaning has stopped.

[SONYA SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]

Cigarette?

Well, there are some in my top left drawer,
but they're chocolate.

I'll make them bum.

Yakov, is that Sonya?

Wow, you must feel really excited.

Not anymore.

SONYA:
Encore, encore.

Oh, you have freedom of religion here.

Pray for me like gangbusters.

Oh, that Gore. What a pill.

Good evening, colleagues.

- How was your evening, folks?
- Fabulous.

Dan is absolutely the most precious
gentleman I've met in along time.

And you're all very lucky
to be working with him.

Dan who?

Do you know
I am so hungry for French food?

Sounds magnifique.

- I'll make the reservations.
- Okay.

I'm afraid all the restaurants are closed.

On the Concorde.

We should be there for cocktails in Paris.

See you.

So, what the hell happened at the hotel?

What happened between Rebecca
and myself is private.

You should be ashamed for thinking of it,
much less asking about it.