01x06 - Whose Night Is It, Anyway?

[bunniefuu]

My name is Nicole Bradford.

This is Michael. He's my father.

He works uptown. He dresses in a suit.

This is Joey. He's my other father.

He's an artist. We all live in his loft, downtown.

Michael and Joey inherited me from my mom.

This is the judge that put us together.

She says everything's gonna work out just fine.

And if they screw up, I'll fix it.

♪ You can count on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ You can count on me ♪

♪ No matter where you go ♪

♪ I'm standing by your side ♪

♪ I'll be right behind ♪

♪ No one loves you More than I do ♪

♪ Put your hand in mine ♪

♪ You can count on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ You can count on me ♪

♪ No matter where you go ♪

♪ You can count on me ♪

[WHISTLING]

[WHISTLING]

Hey, hey, hey. Cut it out.

Stop it. Just stop-- What, what, what?

What, what, what? Don't what me, pal.

Don't stand there whistling, polishing your shoes,

tell me you're not getting dressed for a date on my night.

We had an agreement.

We do. Look at my calendar.

Can we agree that today is today?

Now, if today is today, then this is tonight.

Okay. What does this say, right here?

Michael's night. Ah.

Michael's night. Michael's night.

No deals, no concessions.

What does this say, right here?

August.

Look, I think we can work this out.

No deals, no concessions.

Hi, Dads. MICHAEL: Hello.

JOEY: Hey, ladies. You have a good time today?

Yeah. We went to the Museum of Natural History.

We traced the evolution of life

over a period of 60 million years.

That took 10 minutes.

And then we went shopping. Look.

The judge bought me these.

Ooh, aren't they adorable?

Hey, Judge, don't these look adorable on her?

Wouldn't you, in the bottom of your heart,

really just wanna spend an evening with a girl

who could look that adorable?

Stuck for a babysitter?

We pay 3 bucks an hour. Sorry, Michael.

Much as I'd like to be of assistance, there comes a time

when I must withdraw to the care of my own affairs,

and allow you two gentlemen

to settle your own domestic conflicts.

It's the only way you'll grow as parents.

You got a date too, huh?

You got it, Slappy.

Thanks. Look, if you've both got dates,

it's no problem. I can stay here by myself.

No, we wouldn't feel right about leaving you home by yourself.

'Cause we'd worry.

That's why Michael's gonna cancel his date

and stay home with you. Joey, come here.

What, what? Listen. This is

a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity with Elizabeth Drake,

a cultivated, intelligent classy woman.

I've got a once-in-a-lifetime date with Madelaine Jordan.

Oh, yeah, and she's currently appearing topless where?

She's a college professor.

Right, right. And next week, she'll be the milkmaid

and you could be the naughty stable boy.

What are you guys talking about?

Agriculture.

Madelaine happens to be a professor of botany.

She's got a Ph.D. That outranks your MBA.

Look, tonight is important to both of you, which is fine.

Because I have no plans,

so you go out, and I'll stay here with me.

BOTH: No.

Why not? Because you're 12.

You think I'm a baby. JOEY: Nick.

What do you think I'm gonna do?

Stick my tongue in a light socket or drink bleach?

Nicole, what if there's an emergency?

Look, I can actually reach the telephone.

I can even pick it up and dial it.

Honey, you are still a kid.

That's it. I'm calling a babysitter.

Thank you. Thank-- I'll feel a whole lot better about this.

Hello, Rebecca? Nicole. Are you free tonight? Good.

Could you come over and babysit me?

Yeah. Good.

And ask your parents if you can sleep over.

Bring some potato chips. Yeah. Bye.

That Rebecca, your little friend, Rebecca?

She's your age?

Yes. She's been babysitting for the past year.

Veteran babysitter. Just like me.

We can watch each other.

Now you've got two babysitters. Stay out all weekend.

You've babysat before? For who?

Mandy and Whiskers and Boots.

Okay, they're cats. But I took care of them.

And they're still alive. Except for Boots.

All right, Nick. You've made your point.

Have your friend over and have a wonderful time, okay?

[SMOOCHES]

Hold it just a second. Are you sure about this?

He's sure. Why is he sure?

Because we're gonna move our dates downstairs to Klawicki's.

Downst-- Klawicki's?

A downstairs, greasy, gum-on-top-of-the-tables

'cause-what-the-hell is-the-difference, Klawicki's?

Joe, I've got reservations at Four Seasons,

I've got tickets to a Broadway show. No, I-- No.

I got a calendar that says you're going nowhere.

[GRUMBLES]

All right, Nicole. I'm gonna be downstairs.

And I'll be eating something at Klawicki's.

Goodbye.

[♪♪♪]

This place is popping, huh?

I've never seen this many people here in my life.

Must be su1c1de night.

Relax. Come on, enjoy yourself.

Enjoy myself?

It's not bad enough I gotta bring the date of my life

to the dive of the century.

And then I've gotta share the only available booth

with you and a botanist.

Joe, you and a botanist?

Because she's hot.

Thank you.

Joe-- Because she thinks I'm hot.

Thank you.

Hot botany. Only you, Joe.

Michael, you and Ms. Elizabeth?

Because she's got class. And she thinks I've got class.

An impression that will last right up to the moment

that she discovers, yes, our date begins here

at Klawicki's Casa de Salmonella.

Hey, this class that she's got,

that's another word for, like, cold, right?

Sophisticated, Joe.

See, unlike yourself, I've grown through the years.

I can appreciate a woman like Elizabeth

with whom I can look forward to an evening of conversation

and a brandy on the veranda.

That's all you want?

That's all I'll get.

Joe, where do you find these women?

Relax, huh? Because this is a small booth.

With heat on one side and class on the other.

Something's bound to give.

What are you saying?

That your date is gonna heat up my date?

That's disgusting.

What do I do?

How's that chili? Mmm.

[BOTH COO, CHUCKLE]

Does it make us all warm inside?

Uh-huh.

My turn. Mmm, mmm.

[MADELAINE MOANS]

No, I'll just stick with my chef's salad, thank you.

Don't you dare lick those fingers. Leave them for me.

Michael, I think perhaps we should call it an evening.

We could go upstairs. We could wash our hands.

No, I'm sorry, but I don't think I care to go upstairs.

Hey.

Either one of you dashing caballeros

wanna buy a rose for your sharp-looking señoritas?

Oh, go away.

How much? Six bucks.

Let me ask you something. How do you get a figure like that?

What is it, cost plus 9000 percent?

We'll take one.

Why?

Rosa Multiflora.

Japanese variety. Small blossoms.

Oh, lovely fragrance.

Madelaine's a botanist. Oh, really?

That sounds fascinating.

Oh, it is fascinating.

Why don't you let her tell you about it?

Oh, I don't want to bore everyone with what I do.

No, no, you wouldn't be boring them.

[SIGHS] This afternoon, I went to check on my roses.

And when I opened the greenhouse door,

this wave of hot wet air wafted over.

And around me, moistening my clothes

so that they clung to my body.

The air was redolent with

the fragrances of gardenias, magnolias, camellias,

so lush it made me dizzy.

[GIGGLES, MOANS]

As I leaned to catch my breath,

I saw him. A single bee.

Drunk with the heady elixir

of so many available ripening blossoms.

I was there alone.

And there was something about this bee.

Wandering from maiden to maiden like a satyr.

Small-winged Ulysses,

circling the beckoning petals

and then, no longer able to control his buzzing frenzy.

he dives into the awaiting blossom,

drinking deeply, until...

oh, completely spent,

he falls back

on the trembling leaf.

[MOANS]

And sleeps.

I'll have some chili now, Michael.

[RIMSKY-KORSAKOV'S "FLIGHT OF THE BUMBLEBEE" PLAYING]

Joe?

Joe?

Thank you. I love you. What an evening. This is--

I owe ya. Give me the 6 bucks for the rose.

Get lost.

[POP MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHATTERING, GIGGLING]

GIRL: What happened?

Nicole. Sweetheart. Can I just have one word with you?

And, uh, that word would be "what."

Um, see, remember we invited Rebecca?

Courtney and Nina found out, then everybody found out,

so we made a pajama party.

It's okay with everybody's parents and I knew

it would be okay because we're watching each other.

[LAUGHS] I'm Nicole.

I'm Elizabeth.

I'm Madelaine.

Wanna meet my friends? ELIZABETH & MADELAINE: Yeah.

It's a pajama party, Joe.

And it's not ours.

[ALL GIGGLING]

This close.

I was this close to the perfect evening

with the perfect woman.

I guess a relationship here just wasn't meant to be.

Guess I was meant to grow old alone.

Maybe someday, you and Nicole

visit me in the home for the old and alone.

Give 'em a couple minutes.

They're not gonna talk to little girls all night.

What are we playing? It's a game Rachel made up.

It's got a zillion rules, okay?

[GIRLS GIGGLE]

It's got a zillion rules, Joe.

Well, don't panic, 'cause I've got a shirt.

Good news. For a second there, I thought this was all lost.

But now you're telling me you have a shirt.

I got this shirt that Madelaine gave me.

Because she thinks I look great in it. Heh, get it?

Oh, I get it, sure.

You put on the shirt, she sees you,

boom, the greenhouse effect.

Then you two leave, and I spend my evening

learning the zillion rules? No, no. I don't think so.

What do you want me to do?

I want you to stay here and grow old and miserable with me.

You said you owe me. This is my night.

Now, I'm collecting. I'm collecting my date.

Okay? Now, you're staying. I'm leaving.

You promise to feel really guilty?

Absolutely.

Whatever. Put on the shirt.

So then, in the cafeteria, he smiled at me.

[GIRLS GIGGLE] Not.

He stuffed a whole bagel into his mouth.

It kinda looked like a smile.

See, the point is that he meant it just for me

and I know that if--

[STAMMERS] What kind of bagel was it?

Um, Michael, come here. Come on.

I don't know what happened.

The topic was bagels. I kept it going.

Michael.

They're girls. They were talking, you know, girl talk.

I see. So I violated some preteen code?

I'll go sit in the corner. Care to sit with me?

So like, when you kiss Joey, do you keep your eyes open?

[GIRLS GIGGLE]

I would. He is so cute.

[ALL GIGGLE]

Gross.

You don't think he's cute?

He's my dad. Jeez.

[GIRLS GIGGLE]

I think he's cute.

[GIRLS GIGGLE]

He's your boyfriend. He's special.

Well, he's one of my boyfriends.

[GASPS]

Well, Joey thinks you're special.

He said so. That's so sweet.

[GIRLS GIGGLE]

Tell us about some of the other guys.

GIRLS: Yeah.

No, no, I don't want to take over the party.

There's this one guy.

He's a hockey player.

[GIRLS CHEER, WHOOP]

Sweetie, are you upset by what Madelaine just said?

No.

Yes. Throw her out.

What?

What's she hanging around for?

Joey's nothing special. He's just some guy she dates.

Sweetheart, I don't think I have a solid reason

to just take Joey's date and toss her out the door.

She's traumatizing your daughter in front of all my friends.

That's not a solid reason?

This is a lady you've never met before in your life.

She says Joey's not special, and you believe her?

What is she, an expert? Does she have a Ph.D. in Joey?

Well, she dates him. She has to know him a little.

You live with him. You know him a lot.

It's what you think that counts.

I think he's great.

Well, there you go.

But what about you?

What do you mean?

You live with him also.

Hey, I think he's darn-near swell.

That was really nice.

Hey, she makes me look good.

She makes you look real good.

Go be 12.

Wasn't there something adult

going on on this side of the room?

What's it like to kiss a boy?

Uh.

You don't know? Ha, ha. A pretty girl like you?

What are you waiting for?

You just pick one with pretty eyes

and you make yourself kissable.

Hey, Madelaine, maybe...

Maybe little girls don't really need to be kissable just yet.

Oh, Michael, loosen up.

The main thing you have to do

is find out what boys like.

Joey!

Joe-- JOEY: I lost a button.

You won't need it.

So the whole idea is to look like you're not interested

but let them know you are.

That's what sexy is all about.

Madelaine, uh, no sexy. Can we just change the subject?

Are you an artist like Joey? I study plants.

Joe!

Sounds boring.

Oh, no. It's stimulating.

When I open the door to the greenhouse

and it's all warm and damp inside...

Ooh, oh, I just remembered something.

What? Get out.

What are you doing? Where are we going?

I don't want you telling my daughter what boys like,

I don't want you telling her what bees like.

She'll learn about that in good time.

From me. When she's 40.

Are you throwing me out?

You know, I can hardly believe it myself.

Nicole, this is so great.

It's like living in Knott's Landing.

[ALL GIGGLE]

JOEY: Ready or not, here I come.

Stay tuned.

[GIRLS WHOOP]

Thank you, one and all.

Uh.

Are we, like, missing somebody? Where's Madelaine?

GIRL: Oh...

Joe. Come here.

Now, let me ask you something.

In all the years we've known each other,

have I said anything rotten about your girlfriends?

You've said rotten things about every one of them.

Well, then, this will come as no surprise to you.

The botanist is the rottenist.

You should've heard what she was teaching these kids.

Where is Madelaine? Nicole was there, listening.

Where is she?

He threw her out. [ALL GIGGLING]

What? He threw out your date.

[ALL GIGGLING]

Go bake brownies, huh?

Or put on colorful hats, okay?

You threw Madelaine out?

She was teaching a Lolita class, Joe.

She was back in the greenhouse.

What are you complaining about?

A minute ago, you didn't care down at Klawicki's.

When my date was heating up your date.

Wait, wait a minute, wait.

His date was supposed to get me to come up here?

You planned this?

No, no plan. It was just pure luck.

You're a pig, Michael. Good night.

Thank you, Joe. What was that?

Was that your unique brand of retribution?

Hey, you threw Madelaine out.

I threw out a corrupter of young minds.

You threw out an innocent woman.

Your woman walked.

Well, your shirt's stupid.

Are you gonna throw anyone else out?

Yeah, throw me out. Then me.

Uh, I think we should just throw ourselves out, Joe.

Dads, Dads. You're popular with my friends.

They love you. You guys are k*lling 'em.

They love us, Joe.

Well, good night. You all go to bed.

[GIRLS GROAN]

They hate you now.

Well, that's the theme for the evening.

Let's go, everybody. Lights out.

We're not tired. Tell us a story.

MICHAEL: All right.

Once upon a time, there were two bears. Who both had dates.

Even though it was one bear's night.

And the other bear is supposed to

stay home and watch Goldilocks.

[LAUGHS] That's me.

So the two bears

had a stupid dinner at stupid Klawicki's.

And the first bear said,

"My porridge is real hot.

And your porridge is real cold.

Why don't we warm your porridge up with my porridge?"

It was a stupid idea then, and it's a stupid idea now.

It was working at the time, thank you.

Said the other bear.

So the moral to this story is--

You don't throw the other bear's porridge out

when he's changing his shirt.

No, the moral to this story is

we're papa bears now. And Goldilocks lives with us.

So from now on, when we bring porridge home,

It can't be real hot. And it can't be real cold.

It has to be just right.

The end.

That's the worst story I ever heard.

Night.

Actually, that's probably one of the best stories you ever told.

Where's my daughter's face? I want to kiss it good night.

Here. Here. Here.

[ALL GIGGLING]

I'm over here, Dads.

Good night, Nick.

Sleep good.

Hey, sweet dreams, Goldilocks.

You too, Papa Bear.

So you're not mad at me anymore, are you?

Yeah, I'm mad at you. You ruined my night.

You threw out my date.

That's the last I'm gonna see of her.

And you were right to do it.

Maybe from now on we should be a little more careful

about who we let into the cave.

Tell me something, Michael.

Is anybody ever gonna be sleeping in my bed?

Not tomorrow.

It's my night.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]