01x08 - Sex, Judge, and Rock & Roll

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

NICOLE: This is me, Nicole Bradford.

Cute, huh?

This is my Dad.

And this is my Dad.

How'd I get two dads? They inherited me.

Congratulations. It's a girl.

Here's the judge who brought us together.

She lives in our building.

My building. I own it.

NICOLE: She's gonna make sure we're one big happy family,

with one dad who's down-to-earth,

and one dad with his head in the clouds.

I-- I think we're father of the year.

♪ You can count on me No matter what you do ♪

♪ You can count on me No matter where you go ♪

♪ I'm standing by your side I'll be right behind ♪

♪ No one loves you More than I do ♪

♪ Put your hand in mine ♪

♪ You can count on me No matter what you do ♪

♪ You can count on me No matter where you go ♪

♪ You can count on me ♪

[♪♪♪]

This is really wonderful, you know?

Our little family having a dinner on Sunday night

just gives me an inner peace

and a sense that everything is all right.

Can Cory and I go out on a nighttime date?

Suddenly a sh*t rang out. The world is at w*r.

How about a nice afternoon lunch, huh, here?

We did that already. Remember?

Our first date? You have it on videotape.

That's right. Exactly.

You have a perfectly good date on tape.

Why not just have Cory come over and watch that one again?

Okay. You're not ready for this yet,

so let's just ease into it slowly.

Okay, how about if Cory comes up to the loft

and I make dinner for him?

Why don't we ease into it even slower?

How about you cook us dinner and we let you invite Cory over?

You eat with us?

I cook for everybody?

Sold.

Okay. Maybe this'll be all right.

I'll go call Cory. Good idea.

Can she cook?

Sure, she can cook. She's been watching me.

Great. So we'll be having the spaghetti and ketchup entree.

Which reminds me, you know, we're out of ketchup.

We could use some orange juice, eggs.

I'll go round to the grocery store.

You could pick up the bill.

And spaghetti sauce, will ya?

You know, there's a lot of terrific items here

that aren't on that menu.

Are you a waiter?

No, I'm a regular here.

A regular here.

Well, you must be the envy of all your friends.

Actually, you know, I spend a lot of time in here

because I'm an artist.

I collect images of people, rushing in, rushing out.

Brushing past each other, never really meeting.

Sitting face-to-face saying, "Not interested."

What can I get you?

Oh, I'll have an egg cream

and a copy of The Wall Street Journal.

I can do the egg cream, but I'm all out of the Journal.

Gentleman over there got the last one.

They told me that you b*at me to

the last copy of the Journal.

Well, it's dog-eat-dog in here.

I don't suppose I could just look at a few bond prices.

I have a policy of not lending this out.

You would have to read it here.

So, interested in the stock market, are you?

Oh, yeah, I'm a broker. I work for a firm upstate. You?

I'm a financial advisor, with Taft Kelcher.

Oh, sure. Great reputation.

How is your reputation?

Me? I'm notorious.

I see.

And are you a regular here?

No, first time.

My seaplane broke down outside.

[♪♪♪]

Well, well, well, cat came limpin' in

late last night, didn't he?

I'm gonna make you breakfast.

Hey, hey. What would you like?

Tell me, what would it take to cheer you up?

Hey, I'm fine.

No, no, Joe. You can't be fine.

How could you be fine?

Last night you hit on the most compelling,

attractive woman on the Atlantic seaboard,

and she put a nail in your face.

I've been sh*t down before.

Yes, but never, perhaps, as painfully as by Christine.

That's her name, Christine.

But then how could you be expected to know?

Seeing as how she chose me and did not choose you.

Is this gonna take long?

It's gonna take seven hours, Joe,

cause I'm gonna tell it in actual time.

Okay.

First we talked. Joe, we talked.

She's charming, she's intelligent, she's witty.

I think I've found something wonderful here, Joe.

Something with a future.

Yeah? What'd you do after you talked?

Oh, come on, Joe. We're adults.

We don't kiss and tell.

Did you kiss? Can't you tell?

Anything else you're too adult to tell me?

Well, if I may be 14 for just one moment...

what we did was-- Morning.

Read books.

We read books, and then I came home.

Morning, sweetheart.

I gotta learn to sneak up on you guys

if I'm ever gonna hear the good stuff.

How many candy bars you wanna buy?

Ah, good morning, judge. Please come in.

Yesterday, my bailiff brought his 9-year-old daughter in.

She's selling candy bars to raise money

for new band uniforms, and I promised her I'd help out.

How many?

How much? Eight bucks.

Eight bucks?

How big are they?

They're tiny.

But this loft is real big,

and I don't know if I'm charging enough rent.

I'll take six.

Chocolate or butterscotch?

Chocolate.

And how many butterscotch?

Six.

Judge, I'm having Cory over to dinner.

My Dads are going to be here too.

We can't afford to be anywhere else.

Judge, why don't you come?

I'd love to, but I'm supposed to have dinner with my niece.

She's adorable.

She reminds me very much of you.

Bring her along.

Well, why not?

That's very sweet of you.

Hey, Nicole, maybe I can bring my new girlfriend?

I told her all about you.

That'd be great.

You have a new girlfriend?

Only the most attractive woman who Joey ever tried to pick up

who sh*t him down and chose me instead.

You want me to evict him?

Please.

[♪♪♪]

This is the first time I've ever cooked for a boy.

What if he wants me to cook for him all the time?

I wanted a career.

Then you should've cooked him liver.

Michael, how come your girlfriend can't come?

Oh, Christine?

Uh, she has a family engagement, but she said she's real sorry.

Christine?

The judge's niece is named Christine too.

[DOORBELL RINGS] Hey, I'll get it.

No...

Hey, Cory, how're you doin'? Come on in.

Hey, Mr. Harris.

You brought wine?

No.

This is sparkling cider.

No alcohol and only five milligrams of sodium.

Is that okay?

Perfect.

You're giving it to her. Come on, you're giving it to her.

Hi, Cory.

Hi, Nicole.

This is for you.

Hi, Mr. Taylor.

No.

Thanks.

I made all the things we both like.

There's salad and rice pilaf and pepper steak.

Pepper steak?

You mean, with green peppers?

Yeah? What's wrong with that?

Oh, nothing.

That is so nice.

That is so nice.

I'm allergic to green peppers.

But that is so nice.

You never told me you were allergic to green peppers.

I spent all day cooking.

Well, I can eat the rice.

It came from a box.

I think we're going to have to order out for Chinese food.

Michael?

Here's a funny thought...

Christine who's from out of town,

can't come tonight because she has a family engagement.

Now here's the judge's niece, also named Christine,

also from out of town, who's having dinner

with her aunt tonight.

Which makes it a family engagement.

So my funny thought is, you think the electric chair is,

like, real uncomfortable?

[DOORBELL RINGS] Here's the judge now.

Too bad, you didn't have more time,

you could've worked yourself up to a heart att*ck.

Gentlemen, good evening.

I'd like you to meet my niece, Christine.

I'll race you to the emergency room.

How very nice to meet you for the first time ever.

Hi.

I'll warn you now, gentlemen, she's taken.

This little girl is getting married in two weeks.

Isn't that wonderful?

So you can look, but don't touch.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Christine, why so quiet?

You've hardly said a word all through dinner.

She's shy around people.

Nicole, this pie is wonderful.

Oh, yeah, great pie, honey. Thank you.

You want some or not?

Sure.

Hey, it looks great.

What is it, banana cream?

Lemon.

That is so nice.

That is so nice.

I can't eat lemon.

I hope you don't mind.

Mind?

Why would I mind?

I wouldn't want your head to fall off.

I'm-- I'm sorry, Nicole.

It's just that that reminds me so much of Christine.

You remember Kenny?

It was your first hayride, and he couldn't stop sneezing.

He also tried to get fresh.

I threatened him with jail.

[LAUGHING]

That's a funny story.

I love funny stories. Excuse me.

Pardon us. I'm going to get some more coffee going.

Michael. You gotta calm down.

You didn't know. She didn't tell you.

It's the judge's niece, Joey.

It never happened.

Her engaged niece who she loves like a daughter.

It never happened.

What are you saying? Deny it?

Deny what?

Oh... Oh.

Has this ever happened to you?

It never happened.

How many times?

Six.

I can't go through with it, Joe.

The judge is gonna see through me.

She makes people confess for a living.

Look she's not a judge tonight, okay?

She's a doting aunt.

Okay? Relax. Let her dote.

Cream and sugar?

She takes it black.

I'm guessing.

You know, I would like to propose a toast.

Ah, to you, Christine.

And your fiancé. I'm sorry, I don't know his name.

Nobody told me his name. Alan.

Yes, let's do a toast.

To Alan and Christine.

The best law clerk I ever had and my favorite niece.

Christine, would you like to see the view from our landing?

Fine. JUDGE: Good idea.

Show her the city.

Tell her what a wonderful place it is to be in love.

Michael, I'm sorry if you're hurt.

You're damn right I'm hurt, Christine.

What, you figured you'd have one last fling

to see if you were truly in love and I'm the lucky "flingee"?

Michael, please. Don't do this.

My life is set. Alan is stable. He's secure.

He's everything I need.

He can't be. I know. I was there.

[SIGHS] Look.

What happened between us happened.

I don't want to examine it.

My aunt says that it's natural

for me to have doubts before the wedding.

Did your aunt say it's natural for you

to have me before the wedding?

She thinks Alan and I are perfect for each other.

You love him?

She was right about what college I should go to.

She was right about the job I should take.

She introduced my father to my mother.

She put the three of you together.

She's never been wrong. What makes you so right?

Nothing. I'm just some guy

with the last copy of The Wall Street Journal.

But you value the judge's opinion.

She'll give you the right advice.

You tell her what happened.

Then give me 20 minutes to get out of town.

Excuse us.

Uh, Nicole wants to talk to me alone.

Please don't go.

Hang in there, kid.

Sir, do you have any words of advice for me?

Jump.

Are you sure I can't get you

to reconsider your views on capital punishment?

Oh, finally. Come on, Christine. Time to go.

Joey, thank Nicole for me.

And try to keep her from doing any permanent damage

to that sweet little boy.

I'll do my best.

Good night, Michael. Night.

Mikey, Mikey, Mikey, I'll tell you something,

for me, this has been a religious experience.

How so?

This beautiful girl, she chooses you over me,

I mean, my faith is seriously shaken.

But all of a sudden, I find out

that it's the judge's engaged niece,

I know that God is good.

And she wants to marry this guy anyway.

After everything that happened between us.

I can't let that happen, Joe.

I told her to tell the judge about us.

How could you do that?

How could you do that?

Don't you think about anybody else once in a while?

What are you talking about? I'm thinking only of her.

How about thinking about me?

What happens when the judge finds out, huh?

You know what she's going to do? Be all over us.

I mean, she's going to turn this place into the loft from hell.

Don't you see?

It's brilliant. Christine tells the judge what happened,

the judge tells Christine not to get married

'cause she's not in love.

Michael.

Thank you.

I don't know what you told her out there,

but Christine decided to move the wedding up.

I'd like you to be there since you seem to be responsible.

Tomorrow. In my chambers. At noon.

You too, Joey.

And bring Nicole, we'll need her for a bridesmaid.

It's going to be a wonderful day.

[♪♪♪]

I'm so excited. A bridesmaid.

What do I do? Where do I stand?

Oh, there's the judge.

This is a very bad idea.

You shouldn't be here. You might say something.

I'm not gonna say anything, Joe.

It's no longer any of my business.

I'm just gonna stand here and forever hold my peace.

Hi.

I don't think we've met.

I'm Alan. The groom.

Oh, Joey Harris. How are you?

And this is Michael Taylor.

You're on the bride's side?

Very much so.

Thanks for being here.

We weren't able to drum up many guests on 14 hours' notice.

Frankly, I couldn't be happier.

Anytime, anywhere...

just as long as she says "I do."

Nice guy.

And I am scum of the universe.

Hey.

Hey, Cory. How ya doin'?

Hey, dressed to impress, huh?

I wasn't going to show up,

but my brother said, "Girls get all sappy at weddings,"

so I figured she'd make up with me.

We're rooting for you. Okay.

Hi, Nicole.

Hello.

Uh, these are for you.

Thank you. They're very pretty.

Achoo!

What's wrong?

Achoo!

You're allergic to these flowers, aren't you?

Yes, okay?

I'm allergic to the flowers.

I'm allergic to peppers, I'm allergic to lemons,

I'm allergic to flowers and dust.

I'm allergic to dust.

So sometimes I just sneeze my head off

for no apparent reason.

You brought me these flowers

even though they make you sneeze.

That is so sweet.

Look at them.

I just hope on Nicole's wedding day, she's as happy

as Christine is today.

Don't say anything. It's none of our business.

Okay, it's 20 years from today. It's Nicole's wedding day.

The judge knows that Nicole is about

to get married for the wrong reasons.

Does the judge stop the wedding?

We won't invite the judge.

Of course she stops the wedding.

I'm about to return the favor.

It's a lovely day to be married.

Thank you, Michael. You're welcome.

Judge, you know my new girlfriend?

What about her?

She d*ed.

She's-- She's here.

Where?

With Christine.

With Christine?

Yeah, well, you could say she's with Christine.

And you could also say she is Christine.

Oh, man...

You're saying you and my niece?

I'm saying this woman who you love

is about to make a big mistake.

You're the only one who could stop her.

I have no intention of stopping her, Michael.

I think that between the two of us, I know what she wants.

I don't think she knows what she wants.

But I think you know what you want.

Right. I want this wedding started.

Christine.

Sweetheart. You ready?

CHRISTINE: Ready.

Judge.

You trusted me with the custody of another young lady

that you care about very much.

And you were right about that.

You're wrong about this.

You gotta listen to what Michael's saying.

He's just not saying this for himself.

He's not like that.

How much did you know about this?

It never happened.

["BRIDAL CHORUS" BY WAGNER PLAYING]

White?

Dearly beloved.

You know, I was trying to decide what

to get you two kids for a wedding present.

And I got you two tickets to Aruba.

I love putting people together.

I'm good at putting people together.

They say, um...

Aruba is beautiful this time of year.

I wish I were going.

But I wouldn't get married to go.

So I say the hell with me.

You should do what you wanna do.

Now let's get to the important stuff.

Uh...huh...

Sacred institution...

Blah, blah, blah.

Till death do us part.

I do, I do, I do, I do. Okay, here it is.

Is there anyone here who sees any reason

why this man and woman

should not be joined together?

[♪♪♪]

Alan, we need to talk.

It took guts for you to stand up to me like that.

Not many people do.

I don't like it.

Thank you.

So you forgive me about Christine?

Of course not.

Well, I have this tux for another six hours.

Want to go find another wedding?

[LAUGHS]

How about we go out for pizza?

No peppers?

Deal.

What's gonna happen to Christine?

She's gonna be happy.

And so am I.

Because no matter who she ends up with,

whether it's Alan, or me,

or some other guy altogether, one thing is certain.

Yeah?

It won't be you.

[♪♪♪]