03x03 - Love and Learn

[bunniefuu]

Okay, I'm here. What?

I need an accomplice. A patsy, a fall guy, a stooge.

That's me.

I got a date tonight.

Cory or Zach?

Uh-uh. New guy.

Love.

True love, endless love or everlasting love?

My dads are gonna k*ll me, love.

Ooh, the real thing.

Shelby, I need you to cover for me, okay?

My dads can't know I'm out with this guy.

This is gonna involve deceit and manipulation.

Thank you for calling me.

Blue blob! Get him!

Got him!

Blue blob! Get him!

(SQUISHING) JOEY: Got him!

All right, I got all the little blue blobs.

All right, what's the next of my seven trials?

Hey, what do you care?

You are the Great Warrior, Gagzu of Schweeb.

Nothing can stop you. Nothing.

What the hell is that?

I don't know. Is it friendly?

Okay, no.

Oh, my God! That's the mother blob.

Run, run.

I can't. I'm stuck behind...

I'm stuck behind that thing there.

Then beg for mercy.

I'm sorry I squished your babies...

No!

(BEEPING ERRATICALLY) No!

She ate my whole head.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello? No.

No. No.

No, no. (SQUISHING)

No.

Who was that?

One of us must've had a date.

We'll be leaving now, Dads. All right.

We're going to the movies.

All right, have fun there.

I'm the best.

What movie you gonna see?

The really long one.

BOTH: Eleven o'clock.

Okay.

(SQUISHING)

Blue blobs! Get 'em!

Got him. Got him.

Got him. (CHUCKLES)

(GROWLING IN GAME)

Hi, Mom.

(BEEPING ERRATICALLY) MICHAEL: Ow.

How do I look?

Great. Older.

Thank you.

Why thank you?

Oh, I neglected to mention? What?

Promise me you'll be on your most mature behavior,

seeing that Kevin is a sophomore at NY...

BOTH: U!

A college guy?

Nicole, you have a date with a man.

Now you see why my dads would k*ll me

if they found out I wasn't out with you?

NICOLE: But that doesn't matter.

What matters is, I'm in love, Shelby.

I'm in true love.

What, like the kind Debbie Gibson sings about or Whitney Houston?

Nicole... Hi.

Ooh, Madonna.

Kevin, this is my little friend, Shelby.

Not that little. I'm the same age as Nicole.

Oh, so you're 18, too.

Well... Yes. Yes. Last week.

Last week Shelby turned 18.

Happy birthday again, Shelby.

Thanks!

So, you two go to the same college?

Yes, yes. Shelby and I are both freshman at Columbia.

Yeah, we wanted to go to a North American school,

but they were booked solid.

(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)

Laugh a minute Shelby, that's what we call her on campus.

Get outta here.

I mean it.

Well, nice meeting you. I have to go study for a test.

Oh, yeah? What's your major?

Arithmetic.

(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)

Look, sorry I'm late.

God, first I couldn't find the key to my dorm,

then my car wouldn't start...

Then I had this philosophy paper to write.

You know, I like school, but the hours are exhausting.

Yes, I know what you mean.

That 9:00 to 3:00 grind is a k*ller.

So... So where are we going?

Well, I know a place

that serves good food and we can stare at each other a lot.

Ooh, I like that place.

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter what you do

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter where you go

♪♪ I'm standing by your side

♪♪ I'll be right behind

♪♪ No one loves you more than I do

♪♪ Put your hand in mine

♪♪ I can see a part of me in you

♪♪ A little something special that comes shining through

♪♪ I hear it in your laughter

♪♪ And I feel it when you cry

♪♪ I will be right there for you

♪♪ Until the day I die

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter what you do

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter where you go

♪♪ You can count on me ♪♪

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Julian, you want to talk about it?

Okay, now this is interesting

because suppose I heard something I wasn't supposed to hear

and I know something I'm not supposed to know

and if I don't get it off my chest, I'll pop.

You tell me.

Okay, now this is interesting

because suppose you know the person that I know this thing about

and I don't want you upset at that person on account of me.

You tell me.

Yeah, well, I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard-boiled egg.

Julian, if you don't want to tell me yourself,

you tell it to someone you trust to tell me. Here.

Tell it to Michael and Joey and they'll tell me.

Tell us what?

Okay, now this is interesting because... Tell 'em.

Nicole didn't go out with Shelby tonight.

She went out with a college guy.

Okay, now you're supposed to tell the Judge.

All right, look boys, I think it'd be a mistake

to go off the wall over this

until you hear Nicole's side of the story.

Too late. I'm already off the wall.

You off the wall, Mike? Oh, no. I'm over the wall.

I'm in the next yard beatin' up the dog.

Come on.

I know Nicole almost as well as you do,

and I think you should be prepared for a perfectly logical explanation.

Yeah, well, I'm prepared to keep her in her room for two weeks.

Hey, in my courtroom

people are innocent until they're proven guilty,

unless they tick me off.

Yeah, except this isn't your courtroom, Judge, this is our living room.

Yeah, and we're not judges, you know, we're parents.

Yeah, we're not rookie parents anymore either.

It's true, yes, we used to come to you for advice, but...

Yeah, we don't do that anymore... We understand the job now...

Yeah, we know how to be gentle and loving.

And tender and caring.

Hi.

BOTH: Where the hell were you?

At the movies.

That's one lie. That's one week in your room.

What are you talking about?

Who were you out with tonight?

Shelby.

Two lies. Two weeks in your room.

Judge, what's going on?

Well, Sweetie, your dads are upset

because there's an allegation that you spent

the evening in the company of a college boy.

Is that true?

Three lies, you don't come out of there.

Yes. It's true.

Your witness.

And now tell your dads the perfectly logical explanation

I know you have. Go ahead.

JUDGE WILBUR: He's a tutor, right?

You're taking some college level course,

and that's the only reason you'd be spending time

with a college boy because he's your tutor, right?

No.

Then you're saying he's your boyfriend?

I'm saying I'm in love with him.

I just dropped dead.

Look! That's me on the floor.

Boys,

I don't think I've ever admitted I was wrong

about anything to anybody in my life.

'Night.

How could you do this?

What's my punishment?

Answer my question.

I answered it. I'm in love.

I'll take my punishment for being in love.

Hey, hey, hey. What is that? C'mon.

You're not being punished for being in love.

You're being punished for "Where were you?"

I'll tell you where I was.

I was on the most wonderful, romantic date of my life.

How romantic?

We had dinner together.

At this little outdoor cafe,

where they played opera music

and served espresso.

(THUMPS TABLE) She drank espresso!

How old is this guy?

Nineteen. Boom.

What's that?

That's me on the floor next to Michael.

You went... You went out with a 19 year old college guy

without asking us?

What would you have said?

Never mind what we would have said.

You didn't give us the chance to say anything.

This guy's way too old for you, Nick.

Who are you to say what's too old for true love?

No one. We're no one. You know?

And hey, what's... What's... What's age got to do with this anyway, you know?

Why... Why don't you go out with Hume Cronyn?

If you're not gonna take me seriously,

then I can't talk to you about this.

Oh, we're taking you more seriously than you think, Nicole.

Hey, you lied to us!

And I don't care about anything else

as much as I care about that you lied to us!

Now you want to live in this house,

then you gotta respect us enough to tell us the truth.

All right, look. You are grounded for two weeks.

I don't want to hear "Can I watch TV?"

I don't want to hear "Can my friends come over?"

And I don't want to hear how hard we're being on you,

because believe me,

this is nothing compared to what we are feeling right now.

Now, go. Go on. Get up in your room.

Go ahead. Of course.

This is what you have to do.

What do you mean by that?

I mean, I expected this.

Parents have to get in the way of true love.

Just like in Romeo and Juliet.

So punish me.

It doesn't matter. I still care about Kevin.

You want us to punish you?

As long as it's for lying and not for being in love.

I'll wait in my room for two weeks, and then I'll see Kevin again.

No, no, no. You'll be in your room for two weeks

and then we'll begin to talk about this college boy. Fine.

We can talk about Kevin, and then I'll see Kevin.

And then if you want to punish me for seeing Kevin,

then I'll wait for those two weeks to be up, and then I'll see Kevin again.

NICOLE: And then I'll be punished and then I'll see Kevin again,

and then I'll see Kevin again,

and then I'll see Kevin again, and then I'll see Kevin again.

Apparently his name is Kevin.

Hey, Nicole. C'mon.

It's been two days.

You know, this is a very immature game you're playing.

C'mon, Nick.

Just 'cause we had to punish you

that doesn't mean you don't talk to us.

(SIGHING) I wrote a poem.

Would you like to hear it? Sure.

Yeah.

"You cannot cage the loving heart,

"You cannot keep true love apart,

"For love won't be denied, I think

"And in the end, my daddies stink."

Oh, yeah! How's this?

Roses are red, violets are blue,

you ain't never comin' out of that room.

Joe, she doesn't care about the punishment. There's a bigger issue here.

She believes that she's in love with a college boy.

And the more we fight with her,

the more she's gonna believe she's in love with him.

What, so we shouldn't fight with her?

No, we... We have to fight with her.

That's.. That's in the by-laws of the League of Dads.

We don't fight with her, they take away our hats

(DOORBELL RINGS) That's... That's them now.

Hat patrol.

I can't help it that I'm only 15 years old, okay?

I can't help it that I'm not in college and have a car, okay?

What do you think of the beard?

What?

I have to be older, so I'm growing a beard.

I'm growing it to look like yours. What do you think?

It's like lookin' in the mirror, babe.

How am I supposed to compete with a guy who has a car?

I don't know.

What am I supposed to pull up and say,

"Hey, babe, forget the Corvette, hop on my Schwinn."

Brring, brring, brring, brring.

Zach, you think possibly you're overreacting?

I miss Nicole so much!

(CRYING)

Cut it out!

Okay.

I'd like to plead my case for Nicole's release.

You listening?

No. Nope.

You know, I read in a psychology magazine

that when you keep children isolated for too long

they become stupid on you.

Very true.

Cory's been isolated for years.

So, uh, will you let her go?

You bet. I did it?

In two weeks.

And now at this point in time, you guys go away.

Come on, Cory, I'll give you a ride home.

Oh, great. Can I ring the bell?

Can't help but like those two guys. Yeah.

Why can't she just go out with them?

Hey, I wanna talk to her about this college guy.

All right, Joey, but look, wait.

She obviously feels really strongly about this guy,

so let's at least listen to what she has to say. Okay?

Then we blow up? Good plan.

Nicole!

C'mon, Nick, open it up.

(KNOCKS ON DOOR) Honey?

She's gone. What?

She's gone. How?

Out the window. Down the fire escape.

Where do you think she went?

My father's intuition tells me

that our little girl just went to college.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

JOEY: She lies to us, we ground her.

We ground her, she runs away!

Oh, man, just like me when I was a kid.

I'll tell ya, I'll tell ya something,

my father is out there somewhere just laughing.

Listen, listen, I don't want to get crazy just yet, you know,

'cause I still have a shred of belief that she would not dare come down here.

So until I actually see her, I...

I... I'm choosing to remain calm. All right.

Hey, Kevin O'Neill's room, where is it?

Thank you.

Hey, look at that. (CHUCKLES)

The ol' towel on the doorknob.

I remember... I remember when I was in college,

I used to put a towel on the doorknob

so my roommate wouldn't walk in.

JOEY: All right, Nicole, we're goin' home.

JOEY: Let's go. WOMAN: My name's Robin.

STEVE: Hey, who are you?

ROBIN: Never mind that, Steve, who's Nicole?

STEVE: I don't know any Nicole.

ROBIN: Oh, yeah, like you didn't know any Beth, Or Amy?

STEVE: I told you, they were a science project.

(EXHALES)

Right moment. Wrong daughter.

Look, maybe we should verify the contents of this room

before we do the Crockett and Tubbs routine, huh?

Oh, yeah, how?

Give me a boost.

All right.

Go on.

(GRUNTING)

This is it. Well, let's go then.

Wait a second.

You haven't called me back for two days.

I've called you like 20 times.

KEVIN: Nicole, I've been busy. It's been crazy lately.

I've got mid-terms, I got a paper due,

I got two little psychopaths on a bicycle following me around.

Well, well, now I'm here, so you don't have to call.

Nicole, I really like you,

and the three times we've gone out together, we've had a lot of fun.

Good, well then, where are we going next time?

We're not.

What?

Okay, we gotta talk.

You're dumping me.

Nicole, listen. Tell me what it is that I did and I'll fix it.

Nicole, I don't think you can fix this.

C'mon, how old are you?

I told you. I'm 18.

I'm 17.

Sixteen.

I'm 15. But that's as low as I go.

How did you know?

I had no idea the first time we went out.

As a matter of fact, you seemed more mature than most girls my age.

But then some of the things you said, like,

college being from 9:00 to 3:00...

Well, that's high school, Nicole.

And your friend, Shelby,

that's pre-school.

Okay. So I'm 15.

Why does it matter?

Nicole, I'm 19.

I'm looking for somebody

who's going through the same kinda thing I'm goin' through right now.

I'm not lookin' for somebody to go to the prom with.

Kevin, I'm sorry I lied to you.

I'm sorry that I'm 15.

I just didn't want to lose you.

I love you.

(SIGHING)

Our little girl is getting her heart broken.

I'll k*ll him.

Can't.

He's doing our job for us.

Nicole, I'm sorry.

It's just not gonna work out.

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

You're the first boy I ever said "I love you" to.

(SAD MUSIC PLAYING)

MICHAEL: Our little girl is in a lot of pain.

JOEY: So am I.

What is taking her so long?

See, I knew, we shoulda' just brought her back with us.

No, Michael.

She'd be humiliated if she found out you were there.

I'll tell ya, half of me is just so angry with her.

And the other half... I feel bad for her.

So, Judge, how do we handle this one?

Well...

Nope.

What do you mean, no?

Like you told me before,

you used to come to me for advice,

but you don't do that anymore.

'Cause you understand your job now.

Well, it's a good thing you do.

'Cause this one's not a decision for a judge.

This one's for parents.

So, what are we gonna say?

I don't know.

I mean, it's...

It's one thing to punish a little girl for lying to her parents, but...

A little girl is not what we've got anymore, is it?

Oh, this is a very bad night.

(SIGHS) You guys won't have to worry

about me seeing any college boys anymore.

Kevin doesn't love me.

You know, I really used to think that I understood this love business.

But I, then, I... I got you...

And now, my problem is that you have a broken heart,

and this... This breaks my heart...

It breaks my heart that we didn't take your feelings into consideration.

But it also makes me real angry that you didn't take

my feelings into consideration.

So... I don't know, you know...

How... How is that, Joe?

How do I have both of these feelings at the same time?

I blame it on love, Michael.

I mean, love twists you all up. Makes you angry.

Just when you know you're right to be angry,

and just when you know you're right to scream and yell,

love says, "Wait a minute, hold it.

"I want you to forgive."

Well, we forgive you.

I lied to you. JOEY: Yes, you did.

And you've still got some time left in your room to think about that.

Do you still love me?

Yeah.

This much. Come here.

(SOBBING) I'm sorry.

It's okay.

(MUSIC PLAYING)