03x04 - You Can Count on Me

[bunniefuu]

And...foul!

No foul.

Tie game, 48-48.

Excuse me, sir.

You're done with your little game

because you're looking kind of tired.

Tired? No.

Warming up. We're gonna play another five hours.

Next basket wins?

Thank God.

Hey, Gary Hudson just looked at me.

No way, man, I think he was looking at me.

Hey, maybe I get to be on the football team with him

or maybe he wants to make me popular. Hey, Gary!

Hey, Shelby, come here.

What do you think, I should probably sit down now?

All right, let's put the ball in the basket and get out of here, okay?

Now, we need one good smart play.

Got any suggestions?

Give and go. Nah, they're expecting that.

We need something a little more dramatic.

All right. How about this? What?

I'm dribbling down the right side, right?

All of a sudden, I grab my chest,

I fall to the floor dead.

I'm dead. Everybody gathers around me.

I let the ball roll out of my hand,

I give it a little push to the left side.

You're standing there, quick basket, we win. How's that?

Okay.

That's a fake heart att*ck.

So, Gary...

You're going to take out that Shelby girl or what?

Take her out... Nah.

I'm gonna take her home.

I think I can score with her.

Don't you? Hey...

If I had a mind, there wouldn't be a doubt in it.

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter what you do

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter where you go

♪♪ I'm standing by your side

♪♪ I'll be right behind

♪♪ No one loves you more than I do

♪♪ Put your hand in mine

♪♪ I can see a part of me in you

♪♪ There's something special

♪♪ That comes shining through

♪♪ I hear it in your laughter

♪♪ And I feel it when you cry

♪♪ I will be right there for you

♪♪ Until the day I die

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter what you do

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter where you go

♪♪ You can count on me ♪♪

You see, there is a lot of parts to being a father.

And one of the parts is, is this responsibility

that we have to protect you

from something or someone that we believe

is not really good for you.

What happened?

Well, we saw something today. We saw a little something.

What did you see?

(SCOFFS) Honey, it's not what we see... We heard... You know...

I'm trying to find a way to put this delicately.

Uh...

This Shelby animal, what do you know about her?

You saw Shelby do something?

Well, yeah, we were down at gym today and uh,

that guy Gary Hudson?

He was there and Shelby was talking to him.

Well, yeah, he was asking her out.

He is the most popular boy in school.

She already told me that story.

Hmm. She didn't tell you the whole story.

(SIGHS) Why? What's the whole story?

Well, the whole story is, uh...

See... What's the story, Mike?

It's a bedtime story, okay?

Get out of here!

Come on.

Look, Nick,

we know we can't pick your friends for you.

No, no.

I'm not going to dump Shelby because of something you heard

that is not even true.

Hey, Nicole... Did you hear this from her?

BOTH: No. So you only heard it from the boy's side?

Yeah. So maybe the boy is just a pig.

Sweetie, all boys are pigs but...

You say that this is the most popular pig in school.

So? So what's the point? What's the point?

The point is, is why does Porky

want to go out with a girl like Shelby

and not, say, you know, a girl like you?

Maybe I'm just not his type.

Good. What would you say is his type?

Look, look, I don't like what you guys are saying

about my best friend because Shelby is not like that.

And I stick by her, no matter what you say,

because she is all I care about.

God, I love that kid.

Yeah, she's loyal to her friends, huh?

Did we teach her that? I think so.

We screwed up.

Sorry, boys, but I've got this restaurant to run.

So if this is about Nicole's life,

you guide her through it because that's your responsibility.

Just like it's my responsibility

to show these nice people to a table.

Nicole's gonna have sex.

We're closed. Get out.

Look, it's not exactly Nicole who's thinking about it,

it's her friend Shelby.

And how would you know that? I hesitate to ask,

it being the most private intimate matter in a person's life.

Overheard it on a basketball court.

You didn't hear anything about me, did you?

Judge, we told our daughter that

we were worried about Shelby being a bad influence on her.

So naturally our daughter got very upset

and naturally our daughter is gonna come running

to you for a second opinion.

She'd be the one with the real mad face

standing right behind you?

Hi, darling. Hey, sweetheart.

Hi!

I'd like to speak to the Judge in a "Dad Free" zone.

(SIGHS)

You have a wonderful day at school.

Yeah, and we love your reputation.

Just the way it is.

All right, what did they tell you to tell me?

Sweetie...

Your dad's are concerned about guilt by association.

People are known by the company they keep.

Like the people I hire to work in my restaurant,

they're a reflection on me. Hey, Judge.

Where do we keep the fire extinguisher?

In the back. Why?

No reason.

But if you believe in your friends,

you have to trust in them,

and believe they can handle themselves in a crisis.

Hey, Judge. We got insurance or what?

Why?

No reason.

And even if you sense that your friend is getting in over her head,

you have to step back and you say,

"This is my friend.

"I picked my friend.

"My friend is smart."

Hey, Judge. What's the number for 911?

Unless your friend's an idiot.

Hey, Nicole. You've heard of Gary Hud...

Hey! What...

What? Your best friend's suddenly the last to know?

What are you talking about?

There's a four-part rumor and it goes like this,

You, Gary, Saturday, Bed.

Now, all you have to say is, "Nicole, it's not going to happen."

And then life can go on.

Bed? "Nicole, it's not going to happen."

He thinks he's gonna sleep with me Saturday night?

Why aren't you getting the words right?

Nicole, I've been working on getting him to ask me out

for the past five months.

Shelby! Nicole!

I really don't see how what I choose to do

or not to do with Gary affects

our friendship or your life.

Hey, Shelby...

This friend of yours anything like you?

Because if she is,

my friend would like to make it a double date Saturday night.

Hi.

Look, boys, Nicole isn't a freshman in high school anymore,

and you're not freshman parents anymore.

With each new year,

you have to expect the curriculum to get a little harder.

So that's it? (SCOFFS)

Problems keep getting tougher and tougher and never ends?

Of course it ends.

I mean, how long can you possibly live?

Hey, Judge.

Botulism or Salmonella,

which is the one that kills you?

You know the thing that really upsets me about this

is Nicole, she's innocent. She knows nothing

about this sex stuff and now, because of Shelby,

she's gonna want to learn. Oh, come on, Mike.

Come on, she probably knows more than we do.

Come on.

Okay, more than you do.

She knows nothing.

Oh, yeah? What do you think they're teaching her in Hygiene?

Hygiene? Cleanliness. They're teaching her,

you know, cleanliness and hygiene,

brushing your teeth, washing your ears.

They're teaching her ears and teeth. That's my belief, yes.

Yeah? Yes.

What about her other parts? Hey!

My daughter has no other parts which I care to discuss.

Hey, come on. Why don't you wake up, huh?

Wake up and face reality.

Okay, okay! Let's say if Nicole has a little bitty

tiny teeny weenie shred of sexual knowledge, okay?

I wanna live in ignorance!

I wanna live in... I want to live in ignorance!

The sperm unites with the ovum, resulting in fertilization,

beginning a nine month gestation period

which culminates in the birth of a baby boy or girl.

Depending...

That is depending on the X or Y chromosome makeup of the sperm.

Stop saying that word.

What word? You know, the..."erm" word.

Do you want to tell me what's going on?

You sit me down and ask me what I've learned in school

about the reproductive process,

and now Michael's all depressed.

I'm not depressed. I just hate everything.

No, no, no, see, Nick, look.

See, we're not as concerned as what you're learning in books,

as we are about who's teaching you what out there in the street.

Right.

Which brings us back to Shelby, my best friend,

who I'm not giving up no matter what.

Nobody is asking to give anybody up.

It's just that, you know, you...

You've reached that point in every kid's life where...

Where the two dads sit down with the kid and uh,

and discuss, you know, discuss, uh...

What?

Well, you got the biological part down perfect

but you... You really need to learn about, uh, you know, stuff.

The birds and the bees?

We feel that you have reached

a certain level

of maturity and as an adult,

and as an intelligent young girl,

we can't treat you like a little girl.

(LAUGHS) Go to your room! Go to your room!

Seriously. Go to your room now.

All right, all right. Look, look...

Okay, look.

Remember that, remember when we were telling you about

how all boys are pigs? Remember that?

Well, uh, you know how we know that?

Because see in, in our callow youth,

we were pig boys, too.

But that's very normal. It's very normal

for senior boys in high school

to spend a lot of time thinking, uh, lots of pig stuff,

because that is, that's your prime pig time of life really.

When you say that's, that's your prime pig time,

and, and every adult guy,

no matter how currently snout-less,

every guy at one time went through this. Every guy.

Pig. Alan Alda, teenager...

Phil Donahue, teenager? Pig.

Mr. Rogers, teenager? Can you say, "Oink"?

So, what am I supposed to do? Not talk to boys?

No, of course you have to talk to boys.

And here's exactly what you say to 'em... BOTH: No!

See, but, you're too young.

You really are too young. And that's...

That's the good news. You are allowed to be too young.

You know, I mean, you don't have to have that pressure

and the responsibility that goes with thinking

about sex all the time because you really, you're not ready.

That's right. See?

And if you that we're a bunch of old fuddy-duddies

for sayin' this to you, that's okay, okay?

That's fine.

That's exactly what your friends are gonna say we are.

And that's all we want you to get out of this,

is that friends influence friends.

So, if you're ever in a...

In a moment with a guy and you don't know what to do,

we just hope that your decisions

will not be based on what Shelby thinks,

but based on what, you know,

you think because of what we talked about here.

Will there ever be a time when I...

When it's okay? No. No. No.

Years from now, will I...

No. Hmm. No.

My wedding night?

Dads? We're thinking.

Hold on. We're thinking.

How long are these guys gonna be out there?

They've been on the court all day.

I don't know. Why don't you ask them when they're gonna get off?

I asked them 50 times already.

I hate being a sophomore.

These guys think they're tougher than me

just because they can b*at me up.

'Cause you don't have the touch, Zach.

Watch me. Hey, yo, guys...

Shut up, dweeb. Thank you very much.

Tonight's the night, huh?

Nicole, I want you to know I've been thinking a lot about this.

I have too, Shelby.

What did you decide?

I've decided I know exactly what I'm doing.

He likes me, Nicole.

We're gonna go out all year

and he's gonna take me to senior prom.

Who's taking you?

Hey, Shelby's friend's a definite looker.

Shame she turned you down Saturday night.

Yeah. That's okay. I'm busy anyway.

No, you're not.

Maybe you should, uh, ask her again.

I bet she's worth it.

It doesn't matter how many times you ask her.

Nicole is not gonna go out with you,

and you... Don't even think that way about her.

BOTH: Excuse me?

Congratulations. You have just k*lled yourself.

You heard me.

I've seen you around school.

What's your name?

Cory Kupkus.

Listen, Kupkus, you're either brave...

...or stupid.

I'm stupid.

(GRUNTS)

Why do I do those things I do?

Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey!

Hello, Nicole. Shelby.

What are you guys doing on the floor?

We're defending you.

Nice job.

Thanks.

There's no reason for me to be defended.

By the way, I changed my mind.

If you're still free for tonight,

why don't we make it a double?

I thought that was a real good meal.

Yeah. I love that place.

How was your chicken, Nicole?

I couldn't eat another nugget.

Yeah. They all know me at that restaurant.

You may have noticed our preferential treatment.

I was so impressed at how quickly they held my onion.

Be right back. We stink.

My man.

(SIGHS)

Nervous?

Oh, um... I'm fine, Nicole, and

it's okay to be nervous. I'm sure Gary's nervous, too,

because it's our first time together.

You think this means as much to him as it does to you?

I know it does.

What I don't know is what you're doing here.

Shelby.

Let's dance.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Nicole.

I'm gonna join you here on the couch, okay?

Sure, Jon. Knock yourself out.

(CHUCKLES) What are you doing?

Reading this magazine.

Well, uh...

How do you expect to get anything accomplished

with your mind on this magazine here?

Whatever you want to get accomplished, you go right ahead.

I'll be reading this.

(CHUCKLES) What?

You don't need my mind involved in what you want to do.

I don't.

No. If you did we wouldn't be spending our first date on the couch.

We'd be somewhere getting to know each other.

But since you don't need to know me, you go ahead and do what you want to do

And I'll be reading this.

Excuse me.

What?

See, I've got permission to do what I wanna do,

but I don't think she's into it.

What do you care?

Oh, yeah. Thanks.

Is that what you think? You don't care?

No. Of course not.

That's them. I don't care about them. I care about us.

You happen to be very special to me tonight.

I am?

Sure.

Hey, look, maybe we'd be more

comfortable if we had more privacy.

Just remembered I live here.

Must have a bedroom here.

Well, can't we just dance some more?

Tell you the truth, Shelby,

I wanna do somethin' more than just dance before my parents get home.

I'm just not ready yet.

I'm ready.

What? Yeah.

Seems like it's gonna take forever with Jon, and...

I don't need to dance.

So, let's go.

Nicole, what are you doing?

Shelby... It's been beautiful.

Nicole, just give me a second.

Nicole, what kind of friend do you think you are?

I'm being the best friend you ever had, Shelby.

How? By taking my boyfriend?

No. By showing you that this guy is not your boyfriend,

that he doesn't care about you at all.

He was just about to care about me a lot.

Not as long as the only thing you wanted to do was dance.

I'm sorry. GARY: Okay.

I found the bed.

So here it is.

The milestone moment in a young woman's life.

And yet I feel that something is horribly wrong.

Oh, yeah! I'm only 15 years old.

And you know what else? I don't love you.

And you know what else? I don't like you.

Know what else? I... I hate you.

So what are you saying?

Okay. Fine.

I know when I'm being used.

Nicole, go ahead.

I would like you to leave now.

Shelby, you have a choice.

You can stay or you can go

with your little sophomore friend.

In which case, you would be a little sophomore, too,

who I don't say hello to at school.

Who I don't know anymore.

For the last five months I've been trying to get you

to notice me at school.

To talk to me.

And when you finally did, you said you liked me.

And I was stupid enough to believe you meant you liked me.

And I thought you were so great

because you're so popular.

And now I'll tell you what I think you are.

I think you're a...

Pig!

Pig.

That Nicole girl wants me.

Hi, Dads. Hi, sweetie.

Hey, Nick.

Shelby.

Mr. Taylor, Mr. Harris, um...

I know you know what's been goin' on

about some decisions I've been making in my personal life,

and, um, I came here to tell you something...

If you want to hear.

About your personal life?

I don't really think that's our place to know.

Joe? No. No. No.

Really. It's not our business.

What, exactly, personally?

Well, Nicole told me what you taught her about sex,

and how the most important thing about it

is never to have any.

And I just wanted you to know that... I didn't.

Well, what made you come to this correct decision?

Well, didn't you know? Friends influence friends.

Gee. Sometimes it works.

(MUSIC PLAYING)