03x05 - Joey Gets Pinned

Episode transcripts for the TV show "My Two Dads". Aired: September 20, 1987 – April 30, 1990.*
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Joey and Michael, who fought over the same woman 13 years ago now have, upon her death, been awarded joint custody of her daughter - who might be either of theirs.
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03x05 - Joey Gets Pinned

Post by bunniefuu »

No, no, no, no, sweetheart, you can't... You can't use a proper name.

Why not? "Michael" is a word.

Here, I'll use it in a sentence,

"I love my father, Michael."

Okay, you win.

I don't get it, I don't get it.

Why is it just when everything is going so great,

you gotta, you gotta go and ruin the whole thing?

Why? By using little words like "future"?

Oh, hey, I know where you're going with that.

First you start with "future," then you go to "commitment,"

and then that's it, we start yelling!

I don't yell. You yell!

Are we gonna watch the "Don't tie me down" speech now?

I'm not ready to get tied down.

Where do men get this "tied down" thing?

Tied down is what you do to someone you're gonna t*rture.

Look, Sweetheart, come here, will you?

Look, I don't want to fight, okay?

Why don't we just kiss and make up, huh?

I wouldn't get so angry if I didn't care so much.

(IMITATING JOEY) Hey...

We both care, lamb chop.

We just gotta

take it slow.

Oh...

Well, maybe you're right, but I just want to believe

there's something real between us.

It's as real as it gets,

babe.

Oh, Joey!

Oh...

Woman-of-the-week.

(MICHAEL AND NICOLE LAUGHING)

Nicole,

see, woman-of-the-week is hyphenated, and you can't use that.

It's not allowed in this game.

This is just a game to you, isn't it?

Well, I can't afford to be with a guy like you.

I am 30 years old!

Oh, not the clock.

My biological clock is ticking in my ears! Get a digital.

And what about you?

You think just because you're a guy, time isn't gonna pass you by?

Well, don't kid yourself.

It is. And so am I!

Oops.

Sorry.

Hey, I was serious about that woman.

(BOTH SNIGGER)

I'm sorry. Sorry.

Hey, wait a minute.

What, I can't commit? What, you agree with her?

BOTH: Uh, yeah.

Hey, what about you, Mikie, huh?

I don't see you committing so fast.

But I'm, I'm looking. I'm trying, Joe. You're running away.

And, and I'll tell you something.

fifty years from now, when me and my dream wife, Ethel,

are playing pinochle with the Schneidermans,

you, my little friend, are gonna be sitting in your rocker, old and alone,

eating cream of pathetic soup, surrounded by, like, 99 cats.

You're way off.

One hundred.

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter what you do

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter where you go

♪♪ I'm standing by your side

♪♪ I'll be right behind

♪♪ No one loves you more than I do

♪♪ Put your hand in mine

♪♪ I can see a part of me in you

♪♪ A little something special that comes shining through

♪♪ I hear it in your laughter

♪♪ And I feel it when you cry

♪♪ I will be right there for you

♪♪ Until the day I die

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter what you do

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter where you go

♪♪ You can count on me ♪♪

Okay, now that I own the restaurant downstairs,

I want you to know it doesn't change

our relationship at all.

Feed me.

Are you sure? When? When did this happen?

Just like that, huh?

Wow...

No, listen, thank you, thank you for telling us...

Okay.

What?

Lenny.

What, Lenny Webber? Gone.

d*ed? Worse.

What? Getting married...

Hey, but, Joe, don't worry.

You know, I mean, you got your soup, you got your cats.

It's good to be you, Joe.

Joey, Michael's obviously having a lot of fun at your expense.

Why don't you let me in on it? That way, I, too, can yank your chain.

Joey had a date.

Oh.

Woman-of-the-week?

Yank, yank.

Hey, let me tell you something, Mikey, all right? I'll tell you something.

Every one of our married friends wish they were single, okay?

Every one of them wishes that they had the freedom that we have.

All right? And I'm gonna prove that to you.

How? I am gonna have the time-honored ritual

that is a milestone in a man's life.

You're gonna have a bar mitzvah?

I'm gonna have a bachelor party,

for Lenny, all right? Right here in the loft.

Joey Harris style.

And you're gonna see how much a bunch of married guys wish that they were me.

What do you guys normally do at a bachelor party, anyway?

Pictionary. Pictionary.

Pictionary.

Great. I'll be there.

No, honey. Traditionally, women...

Women are never invited to a bachelor party.

They're usually hired...

And, boys, speaking as the landlord of this building,

I wanna say...

Don't worry, Judge. Don't worry.

We're not gonna let things get out of hand.

Oh, good.

Hearing those soothing words from you makes me turn

in Michael's direction and say don't make me come up here.

Judge, you can relax. I'm not gonna let anybody get crazy.

You know me.

Party!

CROWD: (CHANTING) Body slam! Body slam!

(CROWD CHEERING)

(CROWD EXCLAIMS)

ALL: One! Two! Three!

(CROWD CHEERING)

I get a rematch!

What do you think, huh? How do you like your party so far, huh?

Is this tacky enough for you?

Sleazy, disgusting. Thank you.

A Joey Harris classic.

Thank you, thank you... (CHUCKLES)

I hope all this action isn't making you think twice about getting married.

No.

Why not?

Well, actually. I'm here and I'm thinking to myself,

"Thank God this part of my life is over."

What are you talking about? Now, come on.

This is the best part of your life.

Tonight! Right here! Tonight.

(ALL CHEERING)

She's takin' ya, Tony. She's takin' ya!

You're distractin' me, Brian! I lose to her?

I'm gonna kick your butt! Come on, Tony.

Come on, Tony.

Oh!

Here you go.

Thanks for letting me win.

Oh, yeah, sure.

You're welcome.

Hey, Ton. Hey, hey, Joe.

I see you still got that eye for the ladies, huh? Oh, yeah.

But that's all I got, Joey.

What do you mean?

Well, the rest of me belongs to my wife.

Hey, let me ask you something.

When we were in high school, you used to be, like, Mr. Notorious, right?

I mean, you had a different girl every week.

So what?

So? I mean, you're runnin' around all the time.

What makes you decide to just settle down?

Well, frankly...

I was pooped.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

No, really. Come on.

Really? Yeah.

I really love my wife.

And I really love this kid.

Here, look at this.

Good looking kid.

Good looking family.

Thanks, Joe.

Yeah.

Hey, you know, maybe if you're lucky,

the next bachelor party will be for you.

Yeah.

Maybe.

Yeah. Maybe.

Boy, I just love it when you can be an idiot,

and it doesn't matter who sees you.

Hold it. Hold it.

Back up three.

Judge! Judge! Thank God you are here to stop this madness!

Look, Michael, I told you I can't have this kind of thing in my building.

I've called the police, told them it was an emergency.

That means they'll be here in about two hours.

Meanwhile...

Let's conga.

(UPBEAT PARTY MUSIC PLAYS)

Hey...

Why so glum, chum?

Nobody wants to be me, Mikey.

What do you mean?

Everybody seems to be real happy with this commitment stuff.

Come on, baby face. Let's go break some bones.

I'll pass for now, thanks.

Hey, are you gonna climb in this ring,

or am I gonna have to toss you in?

Please. Get real.

(GRUNTS) Whoa!

So, am I hearing that the cat-man of SoHo

is considering a long-term relationship?

No, I mean, I'm just listening to what everybody's saying.

And I'm thinking that maybe, you know, maybe my mind's opening...

(GRUNTS)

I think it's important to have an open mind...

(BOTH GRUNTING)

I think it's open now.

Sounds like you're saying Michael's right.

I'm saying, maybe I want to hear somebody say, "I love you."

Maybe I'm ready to hear somebody say,

"Hey, Joe, I'd like to spend my life with you."

But most of all...

I want to hear somebody say...

The ambulance is here.

Hey, Dad. I'm back.

Hi, sweetie.

How was the party?

Oh, just your basic run-of-the-mill bachelor party. You know?

Nothing special, no big deal. You didn't miss a thing.

'Morning.

'Morning. 'Morning...

Who is that lady?

She's just a wrestler, honey.

What is she doing here?

Let's find out.

Excuse me.

Can we help you with something?

Coffee. Eggs. Toast.

She's here for all our food.

Excuse us. Excuse us.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey...

Get, get up, get up.

Hey, hey, hey.

What? What?

There's a... There's a lady wrestler in the house.

So Nicole and I, we're thinking...

You.

Oh...

Hi.

Hey, hey, hey! Jojo!

That's the nice lady that cracked my ribs last night.

That's right.

Jojo flagged me a cab home after the party last night, and...

I couldn't help noticing that he was whining about some little pain,

so I took him to the hospital.

The hospital? Hospital?

Jojo?

Well, you probably don't remember

because they were stuffing you full of all those painkillers.

But, uh, tell 'em the good news.

Oh...

Hey, I feel much better now.

No, stupid.

We got married.

Huh?

Married?

Lucy, you got some 'splainin to do, Lucy!

Married?

Well,

congratulations.

Yeah, I couldn't help overhearing this guy talkin' about commitment

during the party last night, and ...

It just got my little heart all sweaty.

I'm crying.

You know,

this came just at the right time for me.

I've been looking for something new in my life.

This'll do.

What were, what, what, what were you thinking? I don't remember.

What? I don't remember.

I don't remember. I don't remember one thing.

I don't remember, okay? It's possible.

I guess it's possible. It's very possible.

It's possible? Oh God! Oh, God.

What did I do? Joey?

What did I do? Joey! Get a grip!

Okay, all right, all right.

I remember she carried me into the hospital, okay?

And I remember the doctor gave me a sh*t for the pain.

And I remember, I remember the doc saying to me...

I know, I know... Wait, wait, no! No, no.

I remember seeing the doc,

I say "Hey, Doc, how long does it take before this stuff starts to w..."

So, look, okay, okay.

Right there Joe, obviously, you were married under the influence.

Okay. So, obviously, there's a way out of this.

Really? Oh, yeah.

Look, she, she looks like a... She looks like a very reasonable wrestler...

You know? So what you do, is you just explain to her that there's been a mistake,

and we'll back you up. All right, all right.

Hey!

Anybody seen my earring?

No, but Jojo has something he'd like to tell you.

Excuse me, uh...

Holly. Holly, yeah.

Listen, we, we gotta talk about something.

Joe, quit stalling. There's nothing to be afraid of.

Oh. There it is.

Well, where you crazy kids going on your honeymoon?

(MOANING)

(MOANING)

Come on, Joe, would you think?

Think! Come on! I can't help you if you can't remember what happened.

I'll tell you what I remember.

I remember you yapping about how I couldn't commit,

I remember you yapping about me growing old alone.

I remember yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap.

I mean, that must have bled through into my subconscious.

Okay, maybe I'm a zombie on painkillers,

maybe it was my body that married her,

but it was your yap that said, "I do"!

(MOANING)

So this is my fault?

That's your theory? Your theory is that you married a wrestler

and, somehow, this is my fault? Yes, that is my theory.

Interesting.

Okay.

All right. Now, I have a theory of my own.

Actually, which expands upon your theory, somewhat.

Let us assume, for the moment, that I am, in fact, your subconscious.

Let me tell you what I see from inside your brain.

Nothing! Nothing at all!

I brought help.

Hi, boys. Nothing's the matter.

What'd you do, darling?

Remember that wrestler at the party?

You asked her out?

I married her.

Say what?

Look, don't make me say it again.

How could you get married in one night?

Did you have a blood test? Do you have a license?

I don't remember. I got a ring.

Let me see that.

Here.

"Souvenir of the Staten Island Ferry."

Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I remember what happened.

I got out of the hospital, and we took a little walk...

And we ended up on the Staten Island Ferry.

And we were talking to the Captain

and he asked me a question, something like,

"Do you

"have a lamp in your tool shed."

Or it was "apartment". I was really groggy.

It was either apartment or tool shed.

Might it have been,

"Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

That's it!

Married at sea, huh, Joe?

Oh, I hate to drop an albatross on your poop deck,

but the only thing the Staten Island Ferry captain can do by law

is point to the Statue of Liberty and say, "It's a gift from France."

Wait a minute. Hold it. I got a, I got a license.

I got a license. I got a license. I got a license.

"I married these guys."

Signed Captain James T. Kirk.

So that means you're not really married!

Unless you're a Klingon.

Now all you gotta do is just go up there.

Yeah? And then what? Just, just look her right in the eye.

Then what?

Then tell her you're not married.

And then what?

Sucker punch her and run like hell.

Honey, I'm home!

Snookums?

Pumpkin?

Try Bluto.

Just tell her, would ya? You've been putting this off all day.

Just get in there and explain to her

that this marriage was a foolish, and impulsive, and illegal mistake.

I can't tell her. Why not?

I love her?

Do better.

I don't want to be in a body cast sucking Tang out of a straw?

Hey, Jojo.

Oh, good, you're home.

Boy, do I got a surprise for you...

Yo, Nick?

Look what Mommy bought me!

Mommy says I've got what it takes to turn pro.

She said I could be a wrestling legend.

Nicole "The Butcher"!

Thank goodness she caught me before I went to college.

Yeah. And, hey,

you like that surprise? You are going to love this one.

Now, Joe. Tell her now before this gets worse.

My mother's moving in.

Oh, I got a bad feeling of worse.

Look, Holly, Holly, listen to me.

I got a surprise for you. Oh, I love surprises.

Make it good.

Oh, Michael.

Why don't you pack up your clothes

from your old room now that you're here?

My clothes?

His old room?

Well, yeah, I mean, Mom's gonna need her privacy,

and Nicole certainly doesn't need two fathers, now that I'm here...

Well...

It was really nice knowing you, Michael.

Don't be a stranger. All right.

So, Jojo? What was your surprise?

Surprise. We were never married.

Surprise? Even if we were,

Nicole's not gonna be a wrestler.

That's right! That's right.

Nobody's gonna tell my daughter what she's gonna be when she grows up.

She's gonna be a doctor!

And, surprise! Michael's room is Michael's room!

Surprise! Michael's Nicole's other father! He lives here!

Surprise! He doesn't go, you go!

Surprise. I just wet my pants.

Mommy!

Oh, this can't be good.

MICHAEL: Joey.

Look you did what you had to do,

and, I, personally, would have done the exact same thing.

Really? Absolutely.

I would have jumped out a window and then tripped down a fire escape.

Her mother tripped me!

I'm sure. Whatever you say.

Well, I say we shouldn't tease Joey about commitment anymore.

That's right, you shouldn't.

Because I know what commitment is better than anybody.

You do? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm committed to this family.

For better or for worse.

I'm always gonna be here.

Nobody's gonna get in the way of that.

I don't care how strong she is...

Or how big a mother she's got.

But, eventually, you guys are each gonna, you know,

meet somebody and fall in love and want to get married, right?

Right. But that person's just gonna have to understand

that she's marrying into a family.

And we may be different than some families.

That's right.

It doesn't mean we're not committed to each other...

(MEOWING)

Wrong house.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
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