03x08 - Dad Patrol

Episode transcripts for the TV show "My Two Dads". Aired: September 20, 1987 – April 30, 1990.*
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Joey and Michael, who fought over the same woman 13 years ago now have, upon her death, been awarded joint custody of her daughter - who might be either of theirs.
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03x08 - Dad Patrol

Post by bunniefuu »

"Last Will and Testament, Joseph Harris."

Okay, Joe. Who gets what?

Well, I'm gonna leave all my worldly goods to Nicole,

uh, including all my paintings.

Except I've decided to leave one painting to Michael just to remember me by.

Which one you want?

That is very generous of you.

Uh, actually, you know what'd I'd like?

The, the one... That piece in the back corner by the bed?

There's no art there, just my stereo.

That's the one.

All right, now you don't get any of my art, all right'?

Would you write that down?

Hey, I don't see why we gotta do these wills anyway, Michael.

Come on, I mean, we're both young,

we're both full of life.

I'm in good shape.

It's designed to protect Nicole.

And it's very important for her to, you know,

to know that she's taken care of.

Grow up! (LAUGHS)

Be mature.

All right, Michael, "In the event of your death..."

No.

No, what? No death for me, thank you.

Michael, this is a will.

We can't make a will

without talking about your death. Nah.

You talked about my death. I can live with your death.

Michael, grow up.

Be mature.

I am. I just don't want to call it "death."

What do you want to call it?

I want to call it, uh, "going to the movies."

All right.

"In the event of your untimely going to the movies,

"do you want your popcorn buried or cremated?"

(CHUCKLING)

JOEY: Get off it.

I'll tell you... Forget it.

I'm not leaving you the stereo, okay?

Joey, Joey.

Did you learn nothing while we were doing our wills?

Didn't you learn that we have

to live for the moment?

Enjoy every moment, because nobody knows

what the next moment's gonna bring.

I know there will be no moment when you're getting my stereo.

Oh, Woo-woo.

The game is still on. You want watch it?

Right, the game, man.

The game, the game, the game.

(SIGHS)

Is this reception really bad or...

Is the TV gone?

The TV's gone.

We've been robbed, Mikey.

Look at this place! Look what they did!

They got my computer! They got my printer!

But there's good news, Mikey.

What?

I'm leaving you my stereo.

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter what you do

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter where you go

♪♪ I'm standing by your side

♪♪ I'll be right there

♪♪ No one loves you more than I do

♪♪ Put your hand in mine

♪♪ I can see a part of me in you

♪♪ A little something special that comes shining through

♪♪ I hear it in your laughter

♪♪ And I feel it when you cry

♪♪ I will be right there for you

♪♪ Until the day I die

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter what you do

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter where you go

♪♪ You can count on me ♪♪

We better call the police.

Hey, wait. Wait a minute.

Hey, what if whoever ripped us off

is still in the apartment?

What if this is a robbery in progress?

Whoo, there's a thought.

Maybe we should call the police from someplace safe, huh?

Like, Wisconsin?

Come on.

What the hell are you doing?

Protecting my property.

Put the bat down, would you, Joe?

Come one, this is not Walking Tall.

You're not Buford Pusser. Come on. Shh.

Cover me.

Oh, God.

All right.

Oh, God.

I'm gonna check out the bathroom.

(GRUNTING)

Joe?

Joe! You all right?

(TOILET FLUSHING)

I am now.

I'll check Nicole's room.

You check your room.

Okay!

I'm coming in there now!

Hello?

Hello? (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

I'm coming in!

Okay, I'm warning you!

I'm coming in right now!

And I'm telling you right up front.

I'm standing here, I've got...

I got a fish, Joe. I...

Get in there!

(YELLING)

(SHATTERING)

Mike!

Mikey, what happened? Mikey!

Mike...

There was another guy in there with a fish, Joe.

We both panicked. I threw my fish, he threw his fish.

What happened?

The mirror broke.

I'm not good at this, all right?

All right. I guess there's nobody here, then.

I'm calling the cops. I'm calling the cops. (SIGHS) All right.

Hey, look at this.

The skylight's broken.

I guess that's how they got in, huh?

Look at this.

They, they ate a meal.

They had a meal.

They, they ate your leftover pot roast.

Serves them right.

Hello? Yes. Hello. Yes, I'd like to...

I'll hold. Mmm-hmm.

Look at this. They, they stole everything worth anything here.

Mikey, they didn't take any of my paintings.

I'm saying.

Hello. I... Yes.

Yes. I... I'd like to report an emergency.

I...

I'll, I'll hold. Sure.

Yeah, you're gonna be on hold forever.

They'll come right back. I told 'em it was an emergency.

They're gonna take care of me.

Hey, take it from me...

Okay? I've been through this before.

I've been robbed before, and the cops told me

that if I didn't have a description of the the guy, forget it.

There's nothing they could do.

Well, I didn't have a description then,

and we don't have a description now.

Would you give me a break?

I'm working through the system, you know?

I'm a taxpayer, I paid for the system.

I'm gonna use the system. I own the system.

This system will listen to me.

Hello! Yes!

I'll... I'll hold. You bet.

MICHAEL: Hello.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello! Yes. Yes.

Now you stay on the line right now.

I'm calling from a bank.

I got nine hostages and a hand grenade.

That's right.

Okay, fine!

(SNIFFS) I'm next.

Michael, they're the most overworked cops in the country.

They do what they can.

I know. I know.

What's going on? What happened?

Be calm, okay? This is no big deal.

You got robbed!

Look, they got in through the skylight.

It was a skylight job.

We were robbed?

Yeah, but, look, everything is gonna be okay.

It's all fine.

What did they take?

They took everything that doesn't have Joey's signature on it.

You'd still have a TV if you would have signed it.

But it's okay. Look, the police are gonna find this guy.

Hey, I don't know about that.

You can't get 'em on the phone.

What are we gonna do?

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

This isn't the first robbery in the building.

I'm gonna close the restaurant tomorrow night

and invite all the tenants down to discuss

creating a neighborhood watch committee.

Great idea. That's a great idea.

We'll, we'll definitely be there.

What for?

What do you mean, what for?

Come on. What do people in this building care?

Come on, I've been living in this building for nine years.

I don't even know who my neighbors are,

let alone trust 'em.

Like that guy in 4-D.

Obvious criminal type.

Oh? What's that?

You know. He's got that, that little thin moustache.

And he's got that beard and he wears all them weird clothes.

I'm going to the big house, aren't I?

Unfortunately, Mr. and Mrs. Joe Citizen

feel there's nothing they can do to prevent crime.

Not true.

We can send a loud warning to the would-be thieves and burglars

by banding together and saying, "Stop.

"This building is protected by all of us!"

Or in your case, tell 'em, "Come on in.

"Help yourself."

I don't get it.

I just don't get it. Where is everybody?

I not only left a note in every tenant's mailbox,

I left a message on every answering machine.

Apathy.

(CLEARS THROAT) Not unusual.

No one pays attention till it happens to them.

I told you we couldn't count on the neighbors, didn't I?

Face it, we're on our own, all right?

We go back, we fix the skylight,

we move on with our lives, 'cause there's nothing else that could be done.

I was robbed!

They were in my room.

Who? What?

When they broke in, they were in my room!

My mother's locket was in this box in my closet.

It's gone.

They were in my daughter's room.

In my closet.

They went through my stuff!

All right, honey, look, calm down.

We'll, we'll all go up and we'll look for it.

No! No. I want to get out of here.

I want to live someplace else.

I could never sleep in my room again.

I don't feel safe.

Hey... Just get on with our lives, huh, Joe?

Tell her there's nothing else that could be done.

Honey, why are you up?

I can't sleep.

That's three nights in a row.

I heard something on the roof.

(SIGHS) Sweetie,

look, you really... You have to get over this.

You know, you...

You've been on baseball bat patrol every night this week.

And even if a guy does come down, I gotta tell you,

you're going about this all wrong.

It's all wrong. Come here. Let me show you something.

First of all, all right, choke up on the bat, all right?

Choke up, all right?

Now, if the burglar approaches,

you want to keep this shoulder tucked.

No, keep your head straight, all right?

And then you wanna swing through the burglar...

And boom!

It's a well-hit burglar, deep to the outfield!

This burglar is outta here!

You're not amused.

The police said it could happen again

because now the robbers know how to get in,

and they know that the insurance company

is gonna replace everything.

Well, sweetie, look, I understand that you,

you feel very insecure because of what happened,

but, listen, we... This place is a lot safer.

We got a new lock on the door.

There are... There are bars on the skylight.

Nobody's getting in here.

Really. So you can relax, okay?

And you can stop laying little booby traps all over the house.

All right? No more water buckets on top of the door, huh?

Sorry. All right.

And no more trip wires on top of the stairs.

I mean, the thrill of flying through the air was very exciting.

I gotta admit, that was fun, but, uh...

Ultimately, I, I ripped a good pair of pants.

Sorry. All right.

I'll make a deal with you.

You stop booby-trapping the loft, and I will check the roof.

You'll go up on the roof for me?

You bet. Hey, if it'll make you feel safe and secure,

I'll do that.

Okay?

You go to sleep.

You know, you are really brave.

You're gonna go up on the roof, alone,

in the dark, with burglar k*ller maniacs.

Thanks, Dad.

You bet.

Joe, come on, get up.

Joe. Hey, hey, hey, come on, come on.

You promised Nicole you'd go up on the roof.

Come on.

You promised Nicole you'd go up on the roof. Let's go.

What'd I do that for?

Because she's hearing things, and you're a great guy.

(GROANS) Come on.

All right.

Well, are you gonna go up there with me?

You are...

All right. I'll go with you.

Wuss.

Boy, she's really... She's really worked up about all this, huh?

Yeah, but you know what? This is good.

At least now she'll finally stop

leaving those booby traps all over the house.

(SIGHS) Yeah.

Nicole!

Sorry.

Hey!

What are you doing?

It's dark.

So, you want a plane to land on ya?

Turn it off.

Come on, we want to be invisible.

We don't... We don't want to attract attention.

Okay, all right.

(RINGING) What the hell is that?

It's for me.

I took it along in case Nicole got scared.

I told her she can call us from the other line.

It's... Well, hi, honey. We're fine.

We...

You, you hear people up on the roof?

She hears people on the... It's us.

It's us, honey.

It's us. That's... He's exactly right, it's us.

Go back to sleep.

Okay, goodnight.

Oh.

(WHISPERING) Hey, Mikey!

Come here, come here.

(YELPS) Ah, Jesus.

You're a joke, you know that?

That's really cute.

Hey, listen. Hey, Mikey.

You know what I'm thinking? What?

I'm thinking maybe it's not such a good idea for both of us

to be up here on the roof at the same time.

Why not?

Well, you know, what if something happens to both of us?

That's a good point. (EXHALES)

So it's a good thing we made out those wills, huh?

I mean, you never know when we could, you know, just...

Go to the movies.

Hey, you know, we decided what goes to Nicole.

We didn't decide who Nicole goes to, you know.

MICHAEL: That's true, So?

What do you think?

I think the Judge.

Good, good.

But what if when we go to the movies,

the Judge is saving our seats?

My sister?

No, your sister's a psycho.

Yeah.

All right, who do you suggest she should go to?

I would... Personally, I'd say my mother.

What, Captain Guilt?

Captain Guilt. How could you say that?

I really should call her, though, huh?

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

What the hell is that?

(WHISPERING) Somebody's up here on the roof.

Oh, God!

The movie's starting.

Come on, come on.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God...

Oh, God.

Boo! (SHRIEKS)

It was the Judge. It's the Judge.

It's the Judge, it's the Judge.

It's... It's the Judge. It's the Judge.

It's the Judge. It's the Judge.

What are you guys doing up here?

Well, Nicole needs to know that she's safe.

She needs a system she can rely on, you know.

Yeah, and that's us.

Go home before you hurt yourself.

BOTH: Okay.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Oh, God. Oh, God.

There he is.

He's headed straight for your skylight.

I bet you that's the same guy that broke in the first time.

Yeah, he probably came back for my paintings.

Look at this! The bars!

He didn't expect the bars.

He's leaving. He's leaving. (CHUCKLING) Yeah, yeah.

He's going straight to the skylight

over 4-D which has no bars.

Oh, boy.

So now, what do I... What do I... What do we do?

We just jump him?

Did you sign your will?

Yeah. Go ahead.

I'm calling the cops. Give me that.

This is Judge Margaret Wilbur.

I got some clown trying to break into

my building at 627 North Broom Street.

I want a squad car here inside of 10 seconds,

or there's gonna be hell to pay.

That's right.

Judge Margaret Wilbur.

(SIRENS WAILING)

It's good to be the Judge.

It's nice to see such a large turnout

for this building's second neighborhood watch meeting.

I guess that's due to the efforts of two of your neighbors,

Michael Taylor and Joey Harris,

whose concern led to an arrest

and, hopefully, a conviction.

It's in the bag.

And perhaps now, Mr. Taylor and Mr. Harris

will say a few words about their bravery.

Come on up!

Uh, thank you.

(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK) (CLEARS THROAT)

Thank you.

Um...

We...

I'm not really accustomed to speaking in front of a microphone, so...

You know, I'll just pretend I'm singing into my shower head.

(WOMAN LAUGHING)

Thank you.

Uh, I guess... I guess, uh,

I don't have to ask where we're all from, huh?

(LAUGHING)

Yeah, boy, dating in the '80's.

Wacky, crazy thing, innit?

But seriously, of all the songs that Marvin Hamlisch wrote...

Get outta here.

Look... Look, I've, I've been living

in this building for nine years now.

And...

I'm really embarrassed to say that most of you people

out there are strangers to me.

But I'm not embarrassed to say that catching those bad guys last night

had nothing to do with us being brave.

Because we were scared.

That's because we were alone.

Now, if we keep coming to these meetings,

then we're not gonna be alone anymore, right?

And if those bad guys know that we're not alone anymore,

(CHUCKLES) then maybe it's the bad guys

that are gonna be scared the next time.

I used to believe that there wasn't anything that anybody could do.

And then I thought, hey, maybe I can do something alone.

But now I know that we gotta know that we can depend on each other.

Now, I'd like to start it off.

I'm Joey Harris.

If you need me, I'm in 4-B.

Margaret Wilbur.

3-B.

♪♪ I got the world on a string

♪♪ Sitting on a rainbow

♪♪ I could make the world gold with my finger

♪♪ So, what a life, what a world

♪♪ I'm in love! ♪♪

Come on!

I gotta hand it to you guys.

You brought the whole building together.

Well, we're gonna be looking after each other from now on, Nick.

You're gonna be able to sleep good at night.

And everything's gonna be back to normal.

The insurance company's gonna give us a check,

and we're gonna replace everything that was stolen.

Almost everything.

Hey, Nick, listen.

You know, you gotta...

You gotta know that it's, it's a rough world

outside those doors, but you gotta feel safe,

you gotta feel secure here. This is your home.

And we're gonna try and protect you the best we can,

but there are a lot of harsh realities

that we don't even think we should try to protect you from.

So we just want you to know that, that...

In truth, it's not really likely

they're gonna find your locket.

I know that. Okay.

We know that nothing's gonna be able

to replace your mom's locket.

We're not dumb enough to try to do that.

But we want to give you this.

Here. This is from both of us.

It's not to replace what you lost.

It's just to show you how much you have now.

It's beautiful.

(CHUCKLES) Open it up.

All of us on one side

and my mom on the other side.

Mmm-hmm.

Yeah.

Hoping that maybe someday

you'll give this to your daughter.

(LAUGHS)

Tell her that your two dads gave it to you, huh?

Think of it as sort of a brand new family heirloom

that will be in this family a long time

because this one ain't going nowhere.

I love it.

Thanks, Dads.

You're welcome. You're welcome, honey.

(SIGHS)

Well,

if you don't mind, I think I'm gonna go up to my room.

We don't mind.

Good night.

Sleep good.

(CHUCKLES) I will.

(CLATTERING) JOEY: Whoa!

Honey?

Was, was there one more booby trap you wanted to mention to us?

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Get me down!

Hey!

(MUSIC PLAYING)
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