03x11 - Class

[bunniefuu]

Are you gonna cut that out? Will you come on?

You said five minutes and we were going to eat.

I'm starving. I'm working.

If I don't work, we all starve.

Hey, you know, I happened to make a lot of money last month.

Oh, really? What, did the price of blood go up?

Can't you find something to do?

Okay.

(IMITATING MICHAEL) Hello, Miss Rendell,

can I see you for a moment in here, please?

Why did you do that? This is an office.

People are busy. Why do you have to bother everybody?

Hey, I don't bother everybody.

Just this body.

Well, hello, Mr. Harris.

Ah! Joey.

It's so nice to see you again.

So very, very nice. (LAUGHS)

Oh, will you be coming to our office party again this year?

Hey, give me one good reason.

Hey, that's a good one.

Hello! Me?

Office! Boss!

Oh, yes, Mr. Taylor. I'm sorry,

was there something you wanted?

No, it was a false alarm.

We were teaching Joey how to push buttons,

and when he gets it right

he gets a little pellet of kibble.

That's funny.

Why are you always trying to make me look stupid, huh?

Because you're there.

You should see what's going on out there,

with the phones and the computers and that machine

that goes tickety-tacketa, tickety-tacketa.

Ah, the tickety-tacketa machine.

The very nerve center

of the entire tickety-tacketa department!

I love coming here and watching you do what you do.

What do you do?

Oh, I'll show you what he does, Nick.

Hello, Velnick? Buy!

Schmelnik? Sell!

Wait a minute, I got a call on Line 9.

Yes, Mr. Kelcher. Fine, Mr. Kelcher.

Anything you say, Mr. Kelcher.

Hello, Mr. Kelcher.

Harris, you're fired.

I don't work for you.

That makes me smart.

So, Taylor. A little quality time

with your adorable but strange family.

I'm tingling. Well, we try...

I'm over it.

Taylor, I've been asked to teach

a college credit economics course

in the NYU night school program.

That's great, Herb. Good for the company, huh?

Every little bit of credibility helps.

Congratulations. Thanks.

Boy, I wish I could do it.

Why can't you, sir? I don't feel like it.

I see. It's three nights a week and I got a life.

On the other hand, there's you.

(IMITATING MICHAEL) Yes, Mr. Kelcher. Anything you say, Mr. Kelcher.

Herb, I gotta tell you, three nights a week...

that's just too big a bite out of my personal time.

Come here.

Take a look at that view, huh?

What do you see out there?

All the way down at the bottom.

Subway? And would you like to live there?

No. Boola-boola, Taylor.

You got the literature.

Nicole, good to see you.

Harris, get a job.

Huh.

Professor Dad.

What do you think? I think it's great.

Yeah? Hey, hey, look at this.

They got an opening for an art teacher.

How about it, Nick?

Me?

Well, I couldn't do it. I don't know anything about art.

Oh, you!

Well, sure, Dad.

Oh, hey, wait a minute here. What are you saying, huh?

You saying that I'm not smart enough to teach?

Well, now that I think about it,

why, you would be

exactly as great a teacher as Michael.

Maybe even better.

Yeah.

He bought it.

Hey, it really bothers you, doesn't it, huh?

It really bothers you that I may be as qualified

in my field as you are in yours.

It says here all you need is experience as an artist.

Got it. Three references.

Got it. And a college diploma.

Let's go eat.

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter what you do

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter where you go

♪♪ I'm standing by your side

♪♪ I'll be right behind

♪♪ No one loves you more than I do

♪♪ Put your hand in mine

♪♪ I can see a part of me in you

♪♪ A little something special that comes shining through

♪♪ I hear it in your laughter

♪♪ And I feel it when you cry

♪♪ I will be right there for you

♪♪ Until the day I die

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter what you do

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter where you go

♪♪ You can count on me ♪♪

Are you okay, Joey?

Yeah, I'm fine.

You're upset because you can't teach that art class.

I'm fine, Nick. I'm fine.

I would have liked to have seen that, too.

Joey Harris, the man

whose very name strikes fear

in the hearts of teachers.

To see him on the receiving end for a change,

that would have been nice.

What are you talking about?

Well, our high school chemistry teacher?

Who? Mr. Van Gak?

Mr. Van Gak, exactly.

Didn't he, didn't he try to have you arrested?

Ah, he overreacted.

What happened? Ah, nothing. It was a chemistry experiment.

Joey made napalm.

Hey, most of his hair grew back!

You were crazy then, too, right?

Yeah, I was just, uh, making a political statement, Nick.

That's all.

I like that you're crazy.

I have one crazy dad and one smart dad.

I'm gonna go get started on my homework now. Okay.

What?

Now you got Nicole doing it.

Doing what? Calling me dumb.

She didn't call you dumb. She called you crazy.

Hey, dumb, crazy. What's the difference?

Well, if you were smart, you'd know the difference.

Come on, your turn. Get me back.

Just because I didn't graduate college,

that doesn't mean I'm dumb.

Okay? I mean, I could have finished if I wanted to.

I, I didn't say you couldn't.

I, you know, I never even understood why you didn't.

What? You were one course shy.

One course, Joe! That's so...

That's like being inches from the top

of Mount Everest and going,

"Hey everybody! Let's go back down for some Ovaltine."

I never needed a diploma for anything I wanted to do.

Yeah? I thought you wanted to teach this art class.

Oh, so you're saying that without that piece of paper,

I'm too dumb to teach?

Oh, I'm not saying that.

A learning institution filled with smart people is saying that.

I'm kidding!

Joe, this is the foundation of our friendship!

You kid me all the time.

You always kid me about being an uptight corporate robot.

Though not in that many syllables.

I'm kidding!

Well, maybe I'm just too dumb to get the joke.

Hey, Joe, look...

Nobody here is making you feel dumb except you.

You're the one who didn't finish what you started

12 years ago.

If you're worried about what Nicole thinks,

why don't you think about that, huh?

Where you going?

Hey, Nicole wouldn't be thinking anything, Mikey,

if you didn't walk around with your brains

hanging out all the time.

Well, let me tell you something.

You don't have to be smart to graduate college.

And I'm gonna prove that to ya.

The man does it to himself.

(SIGHS) Well, hello.

I'm Michael Taylor and welcome to Intro to Economics.

Now, I know a lot of you are taking this course

because it's required.

And I also know that a lot of you

would probably rather be home

chewing aluminum foil than here with me.

(SCATTERED LAUGHS)

Uh, before we start, do you have any questions at all?

You gonna call on me?

You betcha.

Yes. You are...

Susan Williamson.

And, and your question is what?

I'm not very good with numbers and I was wondering

if I needed a little extra help after class,

would you be available?

(COUGHING)

You're a teacher. You're a man.

You're a teacher. You're a man.

You're here to teach.

You're a man!

It wouldn't be ethical.

You're not here teaching ethics.

MR. MOTT: Mr. Taylor.

What?

Mr. Taylor, I'd just like to tell you that

I'm here to cram as much of your knowledge

into my head as I possibly can.

And at the risk of sounding like I'm trying

to flatter you, may I just say

I think you're the single greatest mind

in economics today.

What, you were saying something?

Hey, hey, sorry I'm late, teach.

What are you doing here?

Well, I came to get my diploma.

I was one course shy, remember?

Guess what?

Economics was that course, babe.

Mmm-hmm. My registration card.

Hi, Joey Harris.

Artist...

Lover...

Economist.

Excuse me.

This is not a registration card.

Oh, oh.

Uh, that's the formula for napalm.

How you doing, sport?

I'm hunky-dory.

Having trouble with Joey in your class?

Joey, the class clown? Joey, the practical joker?

Gee, what makes you think that?

You want to talk about it?

Aah.

It's been three weeks and it's no better.

He's mad at me for some Joey reason,

so he's not doing the work in class.

And he disrupts the whole class.

And he's making me look like an idiot.

So, flunk him.

I can't. He'll get all defensive about being stupid.

So pass him.

I can't. He's stupid.

Well, when judges are too emotionally involved

in a case to be impartial,

they step down and bring in another judge.

Usually a hanging judge.

Usually me.

Yeah? You know anything about economics?

Nope.

Tell me about hanging.

MR. MOTT: I'm basing the analysis

on the rapid descent of the current

economic indicators

and in conjunction with the listlessness

of the commodities market.

So, as you can see from pie chart number 87,

the trend that I have forecast is inevitable.

(THUDS) Owl Hey!

You could have put my eye out like that!

Ow!

Mr. Taylor!

Mr. Taylor! God!

I'm sorry. What's wrong?

Whenever you're not looking, he's sh**ting spitballs.

Mr. Mott, I apologize for the whole class.

And I want to thank you for that enlightening

and endless presentation.

You're my inspiration, sir.

(MAKING KISSING NOISES)

Mr. Harris, maybe you'd like

to share your homework with the class?

Oh, but wait a minute,

you probably didn't do it, did you?

As a matter of fact, I did do it.

Are you kiddin'?

You made a pie chart?

Yeah, that was the assignment, wasn't it?

Yeah.

(SUSAN GIGGLES) (SCOFFS)

(ALL LAUGH)

Is that your pie chart?

Hey, with extra cheese. (ALL LAUGH)

Hey teach, do I get extra credit for extra cheese?

I'd like to talk to you in the hall, please.

Now!

Ooh!

I'm in big trouble now.

(ALL LAUGH) Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry.

Hey, don't tell me, don't tell me, A plus, huh?

No. A plus plus?

Why are you doing this, Joe, huh?

Hey, I'm just trying to brighten up

your boring class, Michael.

You're not even trying to learn this stuff.

Hey, maybe you're not reaching me, huh?

Hey, maybe Mr. Smart Diploma

doesn't have what it takes to teach a class.

You know, I, I've tried everything.

I have tried everything I can do.

I put up with all your silly little jokes,

but you are determined to ruin this course.

And you know what?

I can't let that happen, Joe.

Oh yeah? So what are you gonna do? Flunk me?

Oh no. I'm not gonna give you the satisfaction

of blaming your failure on me.

I'm bringing in a hanging judge.

Huh?

Okay, let's party.

All right class, one more time my name is Herb.

ALL: Kelcher. HERB: From the firm of Taft.

ALL: Kelcher. And Taft is...

ALL: Dead. Very good, all right.

Uh, now, where were you when Mr. Taylor left off?

Asleep.

Oh, really?

Well, then you're about to have a nightmare.

Know why? Tell you why,

'cause we're having a surprise final on Friday.

We weren't supposed to have a final.

Surprise!

Excuse me, sir. I just spent the last

four weeks sucking up to Mr. Taylor.

Is that transferable?

Okay, I see how this class works.

You're the class kissy-bottom,

you're the class clown,

and you're gonna pass.

Okay, everybody, go home.

And as you file out,

don't forget to thank Mr. Harris

for the fact that I'm here.

Mr. Kelcher, what are you doing?

I committed someone from my firm to teach this class

and Taylor couldn't hack it,

because he's your buddy

and he didn't have the heart to flunk you.

Now me, I'm all heart.

Maybe we can, uh,

cut some kind of deal here, huh?

Deal? Sure.

Deals are the cornerstone of economics.

What's your deal?

How about I behave in the class and I pass.

I don't care how you behave, Harris.

You've got a final coming up.

Take it in a funny hat and big floppy feet if you want.

But you're gonna earn your grade,

and you fail that test, you're out.

Now, you got anything to say?

Yes, Mr. Kelcher. Fine, Mr. Kelcher.

Anything you say, Mr. Kelcher?

Bingo.

If the red line represents supply

and the blue line represents demand,

what occurs when they intersect?

Purple.

Joe, piece of advice.

Cheat on the test.

Hey, the way you teach, that's not a bad idea.

You know what's great about school?

I get to go there now.

Bye.

See what you did?

See, now you got her feeling uncomfortable.

What did I do? Yeah, 'cause you keep taking cheap sh*ts at me,

trying to make me look stupid.

When? When, when did I ever actually

try to make you look stupid? All the time!

No. Give me one example. When?

Alice Zimmer. 11th grade. Okay?

She sat next to you in Trigonometry class, remember?

Yeah. I told you I thought she was kinda cute

and maybe you could put in a good word for me. I did.

I did. I swear I did.

I told her that you had a very deep

and sensitive understanding of women.

And that someday would like to be one?

That's funny.

Hey, Mikey, you do it all the time.

I mean, it's like you're on a*t*matic insult.

I mean, sometimes I think it's funny, too,

but not all the time.

All right? Especially when some people are listening.

Like my daughter.

I mean, let's face it, Mikey,

look, I can't compete with you when it comes to that.

I mean, you're real smart and you say some real smart,

funny things and I just can't do that.

So I'm the dumb friend.

You see?

All right. I'm sorry.

What does that have to do with the way you acted in my class?

Huh? Why'd you do that?

Because I wanted to get my diploma and teach at first.

Then I'd be as smart as you.

We'd both be teaching and we'd be even.

Then I realized there's no way that I'm gonna pass.

So I figured I'd make you look as dumb as me,

and we're still even.

Pretty stupid, huh?

Who said that you couldn't pass?

You didn't even try.

Oh, come on, I can't.

I mean, economics was the reason

I couldn't pass 12 years ago.

When I see numbers and charts,

my eyes roll behind my head, I see nothing.

Except for a little note

that says, "Dear Joey, see you after class.

"Fondly, Your Brain."

(SIGHS) Yeah, I get that way, too.

When?

Whenever I look at your paintings.

That's not a put-down. I...

Really, that's not... That's the truth.

It's not just your art.

Anything, anything abstract.

I look at anything abstract and I don't get it.

I just don't get it.

Come on, you're kidding me?

What about that painting on the wall?

I mean, you looked at that and you understood

exactly what it meant.

You said you liked the way the angles worked.

I was talking about the frame!

I don't get it. I... You know.

Everybody likes your art and I don't get it,

so, so I put it down.

So why do you gotta put me down?

'Cause everybody likes you and I don't get it.

Hey, wait a minute wait, what are you saying?

Are you telling me that you're jealous of me?

I'm saying that sometimes,

we'll go someplace together

and some people don't seem to notice me.

Sometimes.

'Cause you know, you know, you're taller,

and you got that boyish grin thing going there and then,

then you get around women and you kind of,

you, you twinkle.

I twinkle?

Look, what, uh, what I'm trying to say is maybe...

Maybe I put you down sometimes

so I can even the score, too.

How do I twinkle?

Forget the twinkle, would ya?

Forget the twinkle.

Look, the big thing I'm trying to say is,

I never thought you were dumb.

You... You could pass economics and you could,

you could get your degree and become

the art teacher you want to be.

All you need to finish what you started

12 years ago is the right attitude

and the right teacher.

Well, I got the right attitude now.

Well, you just need the right teacher.

Peel it!

Hey Nick, you know you didn't have

to walk me all the way to the door.

Well, I thought you might be nervous.

No, I'm fine, really. I'm fine.

All right.

Joey. What?

Do you think I like Michael better because

I said that he was smart and I said you were crazy?

No. (SCOFFS)

Hey, no way, Nick. No.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, as a matter of fact, I did.

Uh, I did.

Especially around that time when, you know,

you made that big fuss over

Michael teaching and, uh...

I don't know, I kinda felt like

the lesser of two dads, I guess.

You're not.

So if you're doing this because of me,

you don't have to.

Yes, I do.

I mean, not because you're gonna love me any less

or you're gonna think that Michael's smarter than me but,

you gotta finish what you start.

And Michael could teach you economics,

but that's something I can teach you.

You're still my crazy dad.

That's the way I like it.

All right. Here I go.

Hey, how do I look? All right?

You're twinkling.

Hey, I do that, don't I?

Hi.

I'm Joey Harris. I'll be your

new art teacher for this semester.

And, uh, I wanna say I'm really proud to be here

'cause uh, I just got my diploma,

so this is my first class.

Now listen, I don't want anybody to be nervous, okay?

'Cause we're gonna draw something today

and you may look at it, and you may just throw up.

(LAUGHS) You know,

I may do the same thing, I may throw up, too.

But, uh, it's okay,

'cause we'll try it again till we get it right.

All you need is the right teacher.

(GROANS)

Who did that?

(MUSIC PLAYING)