03x20 - Kind of a Drag

[bunniefuu]

JOEY: Well, thanks, Lila.

I had a, uh...

Very interesting evening.

Me too. Yeah.

Well...

(YAWNS) Oh, boy, am I bushed.

(CHUCKLES)

Good night. Don't I get a little goodnight kiss?

Uh, sure. (KISSES)

Oh, is that it?

Is it all right if I call you?

Well, yeah, sure, sure. (CHUCKLES)

Bye-bye. (GRUNTS) Okay.

(EXHALES)

What?

Oh. Just 'cause I set you up with her,

I assume this is my fault?

Come on, I thought she was perfect for you.

She's pretty. She's fun...

She's a psycho.

I'm saying, she's nuts. Dump her.

Just tell her, you don't want to see her anymore.

(SIGHS) Yeah, I tried that already.

I tried it. In the restaurant I told her

that I felt like I was being smothered.

So she hyperventilated.

We had to make her breathe into a doggie bag.

Joe, Joe. Don't you know how to deal

with hysterical women? No.

With hysterical women you gotta be firm.

You gotta be strong. You gotta...

(WAILING INCONSOLABLY)

Oh, sweetheart, don't cry.

Daddy will buy you something very expensive.

(CONTINUES CRYING)

Hey, Nick, what happened?

(SPEAKS IN GIBBERISH)

Who said you were a hippopotamus?

No, no. She said we were sitting at the basketball game...

(CONTINUES IN GIBBERISH)

Barbara Walters is a communist?

No, no.

Somebody passed around the out list.

The out list? What's that?

Every year, the cool kids

make up a list of people they think are dweebs.

And Nicole made the top 10.

(SOBBING)

My life is over.

She says, "Her life is over".

(SPEAKS IN GIBBERISH)

You wanna move to Zimbabwe?

Yeah.

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter what you do

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter where you go

♪♪ I'm standing by your side

♪♪ I'll be right behind

♪♪ No one loves you more than I do

♪♪ Put your hand in mine

♪♪ I can see a part of me in you

♪♪ A little something special that comes shining through

♪♪ I hear it in your laughter

♪♪ And I feel it when you cry

♪♪ I will be right there for you

♪♪ Until the day I die

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter what you do

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter where you go

♪♪ You can count on me ♪♪

(PHONE RINGING)

(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)

(RINGING CONTINUES)

Joe, the refrigerator's ringing.

Don't answer it.

I'm hungry.

I put the phone in there 'cause Lila keeps calling.

(PHONE STOPS RINGING)

It stopped.

Only 600 rings.

She's losin' interest.

I don't know why you don't just talk to her. Openly and honestly.

Hey, she can't take it.

Good morning, Dads.

Gee, I don't feel so good.

I think I have a fever.

A fever?

Well, you... You... You go straight to bed.

You're not goin' to school today.

Yeah, especially with a temperature of 140.

(CHUCKLES) Care to explain?

I might have left it on the radiator.

(CHUCKLES) Oh. Well, then,

you just might be going to school.

I can't go to school.

Please don't make me go.

JOEY: Come on, Nick, this wouldn't be about that

stupid out list, would it?

It's not stupid.

And everybody in the whole school saw it.

Do you know what they wrote about me?

"With her sweet little skirts,

"and her prim little views,

"she's so darn cute we could puke on our shoes."

Nick. Oh...

Hey, come on, they're probably just jealous of you.

I mean, you're a smart kid. You get good grades.

(SCOFFS) These people out there,

they don't think that that's cool.

Look, look, you felt okay with yourself before the list turned up, right?

Yes. Ah, well,

so, it doesn't matter what other people think.

Now go upstairs, get dressed and go to school.

I really have to go?

Yes.

(SIGHS)

Okay.

I'll do what you say.

But don't move.

I want to remember every detail

of this traumatic moment,

so I can repeat it in 10 years to the prison psychiatrist.

(INAUDIBLE)

Nicole's still upset about this out list, huh?

Let me put it this way.

She came home, threw all her clothes in a box,

then told us to donate them to some really needy geeks.

I guess the kids are giving her a hard time.

I think it's all gonna blow over.

Let me tell you a little story. Maybe it'll help.

There was once a shy, mousey, little girl

who wanted desperately to be accepted in school,

but nobody really understood her.

That must have hurt her very much.

You don't know the half of it.

They teased her.

They played all kinds of practical jokes on her.

And then one day the impossible happened!

The most popular boy in school asked her to the dance.

They were having a wonderful time.

When suddenly...

A couple of in-crowd kids

dumped a bucket of pig blood on her head.

So she unleashed her occult powers.

Exploded the whole gym in a huge fireball,

and incinerated the whole graduating class.

Wait a sec. That's... Isn't that from the movie Carrie?

It's the best I could do, I was very popular in high school.

Hey.

She's over there, Joe.

Oh, boy.

Boy, well, this is it. I'm gonna do it.

I'm tellin' her that it's over.

Joey, you're here.

Take my seat, it's warm.

No thanks. (CLEARS THROAT)

Ah, look, Lila.

Look, uh...

You know, I haven't really been completely honest with you...

And I know this is gonna hurt...

But I am sorry.

(HEAVY BREATHING)

But I gotta tell you the truth...

Lila...

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

I'm becoming a priest.

Oh, my God! Yeah.

Hey, when the big guy calls,

you know, you don't put him on hold.

Well...

When do you take your final vows?

Oh, I don't know. In, uh, maybe...

When I graduate from priest college, in about a week.

(CHUCKLES) Oh...

That's... That's wonderful.

It is? Yes.

That gives me a whole week

to change your mind.

(KISSING AUDIBLY) Oh.

Something about a guy in uniform.

JOEY: Oh, God... It's her answering machine.

Come on. I am.

Hi, Lila.

It's Joey.

I can't see you anymore.

Because...

I'm blind.

(INDISTINCT)

Okay, okay.

Look, Lila,

you know, it's not really workin' out between us,

so don't call me anymore

and don't drop by, and let's just end it right here, forever.

Have a nice day.

Very nice, Joe. You did it like a man.

You broke up with her answering machine.

This way you can stand tall. That's very good.

Hey, I wouldn't have to go through this in the first place

if it weren't for you. You owe me.

Okay. All right, just...

You tell me what I can do to make it up to you.

Come on.

Oh, come on.

Oh, come... What, you're just gonna hang it

over my head now for a couple of weeks?

Watch me suffer?

Joe, now come on, that's not you. (CHUCKLES)

Revenge is beneath you.

You must be thinkin' of somebody else.

(CLEARS THROAT)

A bigger man would not do this. (DOOR OPENS)

A bigger man would be happy with the fact that...

That he's got no more woman problem. (DOOR CLOSES)

Morning, Dads. I'm ready for school.

Problem?

Sweetheart, this is not you.

This is not a girl going to school.

This is... This is a witch picking up her dry cleaning.

I don't want to be sweet little Nicole anymore.

See, by wearing this, I'm showing the whole school

that the old Nicole is dead.

(STUTTERS) You really wanna go to school like that?

Today.

See, this is a transitional phase.

Like a cocoon.

See, tomorrow I will emerge as an entirely new life form.

You ain't emergin' anywhere lookin' like that.

Dad, they laughed at me yesterday.

(CHUCKLING) Yeah, well let me tell you something.

This is gonna have them rollin' in the aisles.

Dad. Don't Dad him. He agrees with me.

Now go on upstairs and change it.

Fine. (SCOFFS)

Control my life.

I handled it, right? You agree with me?

Yeah, yeah. No, I certainly.

I was just thinkin' you know, uh, in the movie...

Carrie's mom told her what to wear, too.

(SNIFFS)

Hey, you're the one that told me to be honest and... and direct.

This is gonna work with Nicole just like it worked with Lila.

(KNOCKING ON WINDOW)

Ah!

Hi, Joey,

I just had to see you.

Lila, what are you doing out there?

Well, you said I couldn't call, or come by,

but you didn't say anything about lowering myself from a rope,

and hanging outside the window.

How do you forget somethin' like that?

Hi, Michael.

Thanks again for introducing me to Joey.

(CHUCKLING) Thanks. Thank you for reminding him again.

Please, will you see me tonight?

Yeah, yeah, all right, okay, okay.

Just get down off there.

Oh! I can't wait.

I'm gonna buy a brand new dress.

Taxi!

That's amazing. She actually got a cab in rush hour.

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

How am I gonna get rid of her?

Listen, come on. Well, don't panic.

We just need a plan.

I think between the two of us,

you know, we put our heads together,

I'm sure that we can come up with something that...

What?

Why do you have that look on your face?

Remember you said you were gonna make it up to me.

I... I don't know. Sorry.

For bringing her into my life...

It's payback time.

(STAMMERS) All right, but I assume when you say payback,

so you mean like a little token gesture on my part, right?

No. (CLEARS THROAT)

You know like in a w*r, when a soldier will throw himself

on a grenade to save his buddy? Yes.

You ain't gettin' off that easy.

LILA: Great news.

My parents are coming to visit.

They're just dying to meet you.

(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) That's nice.

(CLEARS THROAT)

My dad's just like you.

He played hard to get.

My mom had to lock him in the root cellar for two years,

until he decided that he loved her.

(CHUCKLES) I see. That's great.

Look, uh...

Look, Lila, I think we should talk.

Oh...

Later.

(GRUNTING)

Li-Lila...

A-ha!

Oh, my God, it's my wife?

Your what?

So, this is where you've been hiding.

You snake.

How could you do that to me?

How could you do...

You... (GRUNTS)

Three months ago you said you were going to get a paper

and you never came back.

And who's this?

Your latest victim?

Hello, I'm Felicia.

Lila.

Li... That is a fabulous outfit.

You know, I used to have a figure like that,

but after 10 children,

you kinda get this Jabba the Hutt thing going, and, then...

10 children?

Two in the oven. (CHUCKLES)

I've got pictures.

What proud mother doesn't, hmm?

These are them.

In order. Tell me, Lila, girl to girl.

Has he asked you to rob a convenience store, yet?

What?

Oh, you didn't know?

All his women have to. Imagine this.

There I was holding the loot...

Thirty eight dollars, and a bag of Ding Dongs...

But where was my getaway driver, hmm?

He meets another woman in the parking lot,

and picks that moment to leave me, again.

(GASPS)

That's Joey Junior right after his adenoid operation.

You scumdog!

How could you treat this woman like that?

She is a doll.

I never want to see you again.

I was so stupid!

(LAUGHING) (SHOUTING)

Yes!

Yeah. Ooh, yeah...

BOTH: Ooh, ooh.

(CHEERING)

Oh, look what you did. You broke all my nails.

(LAUGHING)

Hey, you were beautiful. I really believed it.

Oh well, I was scared myself.

I'll be honest with you. (LAUGHS)

(BREATHING RAPIDLY)

(BOTH BREATHING RAPIDLY)

Oh, look at that, Joe, it's got your IQ.

Eh... (LAUGHING)

MAN: Hello.

I'm sorry. (CHUCKLES)

The door was open.

(MAN CLEARS THROAT)

Can I help you?

I'm Ben Higgins. Nicole's English teacher.

Are you Nicole's father?

Yeah. Yeah.

He is.

I'm a friend of the family. HIGGINS: Oh. (CHUCKLES)

I've been trying to call, but nobody ever seems to answer the phone.

(CLEARS THROAT) I'm sorry, but, uh...

You look very familiar.

Might I, uh... Might I ask your name?

Hmm.

Felicia. Oh.

Felicia what? Hmm?

Felicia Schumachen.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Schu-man-ski...

Schumaken... (COUGHS) Schumachenschumanski.

Mmm-hmm.

Wow, what a lovely name. (CHUCKLES)

It's Dutch. Oh.

That means, uh, means...

My windmill is parked right, right near your schumachen. Hmm.

(CHUCKLES)

Mr. Higgins... Mr. Higgins, is uh...

(CHUCKLES) Is everything okay with Nicole at school?

Oh, yes. But she's got a role in our play tomorrow

I just want to see if she was feeling better.

What?

Well, she was out sick today. Didn't, uh... Didn't you know that?

Is that so?

Hi, Dad.

Hello.

Mr. Higgins. Uh-oh Hmm.

I can ex...

This is really a family matter. So... Oh.

Why don't I just show you... Thank you so much for coming.

It was really a pleasure meeting you.

Oh, do you really mean that, Felicia? (CHUCKLES)

May I, uh, may I call you, Felicia?

Miss Schumachenschumanski's so formal. (LAUGHS)

(MOUTHING) Help me.

Let me, uh... Let me just cut to the chase.

I find you very attractive.

No, you don't.

You, young lady, have got some explaining to do.

Me? What about you?

You're going on Donahue or something?

No. I was pretending to be Joey's wife,

so that that Lila would stop bugging him. That's all.

Adults do that kind of thing all the time.

Believe me, that... That is not...

This is not an unusual thing.

That... That I did right here.

You guys.

Now you know where I get it.

And it's easy for you to understand

why I would cut school.

So, there is no real need to discuss it. Good night.

Nicole... (SIGHS) I couldn't go, okay?

I mean it's too humiliating.

I tired talking to you guys about it, but you weren't listening.

We were listening, man. We told you a million times.

It doesn't matter what other people think.

(SCOFFS) To you.

But do you have to go to that school every day,

and listen to people snicker?

No. I mean, nobody put you

on a stupid list

and there's no reason that anybody's gonna laugh at you.

Well, at you, anyway.

Nicole, what are you gonna do... (STUTTERS)

Are you gonna cut school for the rest of your life?

What's gonna do it for you?

(CHUCKLES) We told you what to wear...

That didn't work.

We gave you the big "be yourself" speech,

that made it worse.

(CHUCKLES) You're the one that said it.

You said, you gotta go to school every day, right?

Well...

What's gonna do it for you?

Let me dress anyway I want.

Is that gonna be okay with you guys?

Honey, doesn't matter what you wear,

the person inside is still the same.

Listen, you're smart, and you're a sensible kid.

I... I... Hey, I know it doesn't mean anything to you,

but it means something to us.

If you wanna go to school dressed like a cocoon,

then I guess we're just gonna...

We're just gonna have to trust that you got a reason for it.

Even if I don't look like your sweet, adorable, little girl anymore?

Come on, honey. We just want you to be happy with yourself.

No matter who you are.

(CHUCKLES)

Thanks, Dad.

You too, Mom.

(EXHALES)

Nicole, breakfast is ready.

(SIGHS) Today is the day she comes out of the cocoon.

I don't really want to see what she's wearing.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Whatever it is, smile.

(DOORBELL CONTINUES RINGING)

Come on, honey, you don't want to be late for school.

Oh, no. She's back!

Lila strikes again. (SCREAMS)

Oh, these aren't for me. Oh, who are they for?

These are for Felicia.

Really? Yeah.

(SNICKERING) Wha...

Well, that Ben Higgins is such a sweetie.

He, uh...

How come you never send me roses?

Get... I'm serious.

Morning. Is Nicole ready?

NICOLE: Coming.

Okay. Moment of truth.

All right, look, if she's wearing a ring in her nose,

just sh**t me, huh.

Hey, Mikey... Hey, look at the new Nicole.

(CHUCKLES)

I thought about what you said,

and I figured, if you trusted me, I should trust myself.

And this is the way I think I should look.

Just... Just like the old Nicole.

Uh, except for the tattoo.

(MUSIC PLAYING)