01x05 - Simian Chanted Evening

[bunniefuu]

- Previously on "L.A. Law..."

- If you don't give me
a wet one right now,

I'm gonna be
forced to use force.

- Would you consider
moving in with me?

- Can I just visit for now?

- Would you like
to see my shower?

- I'm getting married
in three weeks.

His name is Kevin Crenshaw.

Kevin.

- Meet Michael Kuzak.

He's with the Trial
Lawyers Association.

- What were you trying to prove,

that you could get back at me

by trying to humiliate
a decent good man?

Thank you, Mickey.

- So much for tax shelters.

Moving along to cases pending.

Arnold, Lewis vs. Lewis.

- Settled.

- Jenkins vs. Jenkins.

- Settling.

- Harper vs. Ditto. Settling.

Imano vs. Ditto. Settling.

Ditto vs. Ditto. Settling.

All the dittos are settling.

- Sounds like
things are going well.

- No, not going well.

You see this finger?

You wanna know how I did this?

- An image springs to mind.

- I jammed it sweating
out my career frustrations

on a basketball court.

- Arnold, if you'd
like to talk later...

- No, thank you, Leland,

but a little pep talk
isn't gonna do it.

I have a new client coming in,

a movie writer-producer,

and I wanna solicit her
entertainment business.

- Arnold, we've been
over this territory before.

We're not set up to handle
entertainment law here.

- But we should be.

- We'll take this up at
our partners meeting.

- Leland, this is 1986.

- Next!

- Moving along, Tony's Toys.

- Unfriendly takeover bid
by Bennington Industries

against my client's toy
manufacturing company.

- I assume you'll
be able to negotiate

some cushy golden
parachutes for your client?

- Mr. Cavelli doesn't want
money or a management contract.

- Oh, what would
he like? Sex, dr*gs?

- What he would like
is to keep his company.

He built it from the ground up,

and he knows every worker there.

It would k*ll him

to see it r*ped and pillaged
by corporate marauders.

- Ah, Ms. Kelsey,
tilting at windmills again.

And here I was
under the impression

that you actually wanted
to be a partner in this firm.

- Assuming I'm
invited, Douglas, I do.

- I'll try and remember that
when we vote later this week.

Now for a little comic relief.

Michael, where do we stand
on Harry Finneman's suit

to be stuffed and
mounted in his back yard?

- For your information,
Harry Finneman is suing

for his basic
constitutional right

to be left alone
by the government.

- Is this the guy

that wants to be
freeze-dried when he croaks?

- Mike, did you ever see what
Roy Rogers did with Trigger?

- Yeah, but Trigger was hairy.

Is Mr. Finneman gonna wind up

all wrinkled like a
dried up apricot?

- What do they do
about the eyes? Glass?

- I believe that's what
they did for Trigger.

- Eww!

- You might think
this is a joke, folks,

but as a constitutional matter,

it bothers the hell out of me

to have the government intruding

not only into the bedrooms
of consenting adult citizens,

but also, God forbid, into
the graves of dead ones.

I'm leaving.

- Well, so much
for comic relief.

- I've never felt vindictive

towards any of my
husbands before,

but this is different.

I really want...

badly want Mitchell to suffer,

which is why Cammie
Meyers insisted I come to you.

- Your feelings are perfectly
understandable, Hillary.

Your husband leaves you
for another woman and...

- No, no, no, please.

He messes with some
starlet, no big deal.

But he messes with me.

He has me rewritten
and taken off the movie.

That. For that
he's going to suffer.

- Well, he who suffers most
suffers in the pocketbook.

I wonder why Cammie
Meyers didn't tell me

how incredible looking you are.

- Or me you?

- She must be hot
for you, mm-hmm.

I bet all of your clients are.

Is that how you hurt your hand?

- Uh...
- Fighting them off?

- No. Actually, I was
playing basketball.

- Ah. I bet you
have talented hands,

so long and tapered.

And that love line.

It's very thick, isn't it?

Arnie?

- What?

- Maybe you'd
like to run through

the schedule of
community assets now?

You do have another
appointment in 10 minutes.

- Business intrudes.

- Well, it's all here,

stocks, bonds, bank
accounts, the house, cars.

Nothing very tricky
except for the two movies.

- You mean "Galaxy"
and "Rose Bush,"

both due out this month.

- You follow the industry?

- "Galaxy", first draft
screenplay written by you.

- Totally rewritten by
a no-talent studio hack.

- And directed by
your husband Mitchell.

Originally budgeted
at 12 million,

rumored to have gone 10 over.

- More like 13 over.

- And then there's "Rose Bush"

written and produced by you.

Brought in for
just over $3 million,

a sensitive love story.

Beautifully observed, I'm sure.

- I'm proud of it.

- But will it make money?

- Will the 13-year-olds
like it? Probably not.

- So then common
wisdom would dictate

that if we want to
hurt Mitchell financially,

we should get you as big a
piece of "Galaxy" as possible

and as little of "Rose Bush."

- I was afraid
that you'd say that.

- Except that a movie
that costs 25 million

has to make at least 75 million

before it goes into profits.

What are the odds of that?

Now, on the other hand,

a movie that costs
only 3 has to make 9.

So throwing ancillary
rights into the pot,

all you need's a half
decent domestic take

and you're in the black.

- If you're saying that I
can keep "Rose Bush"

and still punish Mitchell,

I think I'm in
love, serious love.

- Do you have them on cassette?

- Mm-hmm.

- I'm gonna send a
messenger to pick 'em up.

I wanna take a look
at 'em for myself.

Then we'll get together
again, I'll give you my thoughts,

and we will plan our
strategy. Sound okay?

- I can't wait.

- And be sure to give
Roxanne your parking ticket.

She'll be happy to stamp it.

- Gentlemen, please, before
the press gets wind of it.

Isn't there some way to
make this thing go away?

- Not my fault, Your Honor.

California Health
and Safety Code,

Division Seven, Dead
Bodies, Section 7054.

Any person who deposits or
disposes of any human remains

except in a cemetery
or by cremation

is guilty of a misdemeanor.

- A statute which exceeds
legitimate police powers,

which is why we are
asking for an accelerated trial

in this declaratory
relief action.

- Mr. Kuzak, are you too young
to remember "Candid Camera"?

- No, Your Honor.

- Allen Funt isn't
behind the curtain.

- I'm afraid not, Your Honor.

- Well, let's get
on with the show.

- One last question, Dr. Penrod.

In your expert opinion,
does a dead body

pose potential health hazards
to the general populace?

- Yes, definitely.

- Is there any way to
eliminate such hazards?

- Yes. Burial and/or
cremation of the body.

- Thank you.

- Dr. Penrod, do you
know of any other method

of dealing with a dead body

that would serve the same ends?

- Not that I'm aware of.

- What about mummification?

The Egyptians
seemed to do just fine.

- I truthfully don't know
much about mummification.

- I see. What about Jhator?

- I'm not familiar with it.

- A Tibetan and
Mongolian practice

in which the body is left
out to be eaten by birds.

- I'm a pathologist, Mr. Kuzak.

I really don't know
much about that,

though it sounds pretty morbid.

- Well, actually,
to a Mongolian,

our practice of embalming
and burial would seem morbid.

- Objection. This is an
argument, not a question.

- Sustained.

Please try to save your
argument for later, Mr. Kuzak.

- Dr. Penrod, do you
know of any health hazards

associated with freeze-drying?

- Again, it's not my field.

- So what you're saying is
it's a matter of ignorance.

- Objection.
- Rephrase the question.

If I could demonstrate
to you, Doctor,

that freeze-drying
has no potential health

or safety hazard to
the general populace,

would then your
professional opinion be

that the practice
is no different

from burial or cremation?

- Yes. If you could
so persuade me,

I'd have to change my opinion.

- Thank you. No
further questions.

- If we get passed over
for partner one more time,

that's it.

- How's your salad?

- If we wait another year,

we won't even be
marketable anywhere else.

- I don't wanna
go anywhere else.

- And they know it.

Which is how they get away with

keeping you an
associate forever.

- It's not that terrible, Ann.

It's not like I need the money.

- The money is only a
symbol of your value.

If they don't make
you a partner,

it's because in their
eyes you are a glob of spit.

- Ann, come on. I'm eating.

- I have told Leland
in no uncertain terms

that if they pass me over
again, I'll go somewhere else.

- Pretty serious bluff.

- I'm not bluffing. I've
made some phone calls.

I'll be packed and out
by the end of the month.

- If you left,

I wouldn't get to spend
any time with you.

Damn it, Stuart,

you're doing the
same thing with me

that you do with the firm.

- What, being happy where I am?

- Not being secure enough

to know your value
to them or to me.

- Really?

- Do you know how long it's been

since I've let
anyone into my life?

The truth is, and it scares me,

I couldn't picture
it without you.

- Your Honor, I move for
a continuance at this time.

- The people object, Your Honor.

- Just till Friday.

I'm in trial in
federal court till then.

- Continued until
Friday, November...

- Your Honor, excuse me.

I have a problem with Friday.

- Would it be too much to
ask you to enlighten the Court

as to the nature
of this problem?

- I'm getting married
Friday afternoon

in front of Judge Connelly.

- Well, that's no problem.

I am sure Mr. Maroney

would not wish to stand
in the way of true love.

- Monday's fine.

- Fine.

- What, no honeymoon?

This is a beautiful thing

you do only once, maybe
twice in your life tops.

- Monday will be fine.
Thank you, Your Honor.

- Well, mazel tov.

And we're in recess.

- I got your message.

I thought I'd
return it in person.

- I wanted to talk to you
about the other night.

It shouldn't have
happened. I'm sorry.

- Don't be sorry.

We both wanted it to happen.

- Who knows? Maybe
if I'd met you sooner...

- It's not too late.

Get out of this thing, Gracie.

It's not what you want.

- We've been over this before.

I don't want to debate it.

- I care about you more
than anyone else in the world.

- If you do, if you
really do, be my friend...

and wish me as much
happiness in my life

as I wish you in yours.

- Leland?

- You wanted to see me, Stuart?

- Oh, yeah.

- What about?

- Well, you know, I know that
there's a meeting on Thursday

to discuss the addition
of new partners.

- Correct.

- Well, I thought that, given
my tenure with the firm,

a partnership would not
be out of the question.

- Well, we'll certainly
give it a full airing, Stuart.

- Thank you,
Leland. I appreciate it.

- Is that all?

- Well... Only that, you know...

I hope you'll keep
Irving Lewis in mind.

- What about Irv Lewis?

- Well, you see, if I
were to leave the firm,

which I don't wanna
do, I think Irving

might think about taking
his business elsewhere, too.

- Is that a thr*at, Stuart?

- Oh, God, no.
Absolutely not, Leland.

Well, yeah, technically
speaking, it's a thr*at,

but I wouldn't...

Oh, Leland, this is
really hard for me.

I'm a happy man basically.

I like my work. I
like my colleagues.

- Mm, so I have noticed.

Yes.

I don't wanna leave.

It's just that I'm getting
too old to be an Indian.

I want to be a Chief.

- Not everyone in the
tribe can be a chief, Stuart,

but your desire to
be so is duly noted,

and we'll take it up at
the partners meeting.

- Thanks.

Look, for whatever it's worth,

if it goes against me, I
understand your problem.

It's one man, one vote.

I really hate burdening you
with my problems, Leland.

- Thank you, Stuart.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Well?

- Well, I stated a
vigorous, forceful case.

- And?

- I was a complete wimp.

- Oh, good morning, Hillary.

Sorry I'm late. Would
you like some coffee?

- No, thank you.

- Thank you, Roxanne.

- Well?

- Well, I screened both films,

and I agree, "Galaxy" is trash.

It's a low-rent rehash

of the last half dozen
space adventures.

We've seen it before
and we've seen it better.

- And mine?

- Yours, it's like you.

It's tender, tough-minded,

an exquisite
blend of sensitivity,

streets smarts, very
keenly observed characters,

and a very beautiful
sense of time and place.

- Really? You're
not just saying that?

- Really, I think you've got

a potential very
important picture.

You should be very proud.

- Thank you.

- I only have one
tiny suggestion.

- What?

- Can I ask you a
personal question?

- Ask.

- Do you like sex?

- What do you think?

- I think that's what's
missing in your film.

- Oh, it is not about sex.

It is about 14-year-olds
coming of age.

- Well, when I was 14,

I did not come of age
with my clothes on.

- I bet you didn't.

- You write one more
scene without clothes,

and you will have every
teenager in America lining up.

Trust me,

five minutes of searching,
sensitive, youthful passion,

and this film can cross over
from a boutique specialty item

to a broad-based
box office winner.

- I would love that.

- And if you're willing to
accept that one little change,

I would personally recommend

giving up all
interest in "Galaxy."

- All of it?

- Sure. This way there's
no mixed emotions.

You can openly
cheer for his film

to be the catastrophic
failure you really want it to be,

while savoring the pleasure

of your fully-owned
box office bonanza.

- I really want to believe you.

- Well, you can believe this.

I'm willing to bet my fee

against two and half points
of your movie that I'm right.

- If I worked my
whole life brick by brick

building myself
a beautiful house,

no one could take
that away from me.

Am I right?

- I didn't say this was
fair, Mr. Cavelli, just legal.

- Ann? Hi.

- Anything?

- They've gone by the book.

- Great.

- There must be something.

- The poison pill.

- I don't think so.

- What's a poison pill?

- It's a provision

which basically issues more
shares to the stockholders.

It makes takeover
more expensive for them.

- Do it.

- I doubt if it'll stop them.

- Even if it does, we'd be
facing a class action suit.

Besides which, your
directors would never go for it.

- They'll do what I say.

- Have you given any thought

to how much a fight
like this will cost?

It could break you, Mr. Cavelli.

- I started with nothing.

I'm not afraid to start over.

What I won't do is lie
down and play dead

while someone
sticks a g*n in my ribs.

- We understand your
position, Mr. Cavelli,

and I promise you
we won't desert you.

- I went to five
lawyers before you.

I got no chance,
they say, sell out.

Everyone told me that but you.

From the first day I met you,
there was a look in your eyes.

All the fat cat lawyers,
and you're the first one

willing to get her
knuckles bruised.

I like you, lady.
You're a fighter.

I like you a lot.

- Basically, it's the
same technique you use

to freeze-dry a flower.

By the way, can you tell
which one of these is real?

- No, I can't.

- Been freeze-dried
for five years.

- Would you like to
inspect it, Your Honor?

Mr. Eastman, when did
you first become acquainted

with Harry Finneman?

- Uh, three months ago.

He came into my lab and asked me

if I'd be willing
to freeze-dry him.

After he was dead, of course.

- And what did you say?

- Well, I told him
that I couldn't do it.

That it's illegal.

- Mr. Eastman, would
freeze-drying Mr. Finneman

pose a health hazard
to the general populace?

- Objection. Speculation.

There's no foundation
as to expertise.

- I believe I have laid a
foundation, Your Honor.

- Overruled.

- No, there'd be no problem.

- I have nothing further.

- May I approach the witness?

- Yes, you may.

- With all due
respect, Mr. Eastman,

freeze-drying a flower

is not the same as
freeze-drying a person.

There's a big
difference, isn't there?

- True.
- Thank you.

- Mr. Eastman, is
freeze-drying an animal

any different than
freeze-drying a person?

- No. Same thing exactly.

First you take
out all the organs

and you take out the
eyes and all the fat

and then you insect-proof it.

You inject it with
some preservatives,

some antioxidants.

Then you stuff it
and you pose it.

And that's before it ever
gets to the dehydrator,

where you leave it for,

well, at Mr. Finneman's
weight, four months.

Maybe a little longer
because, you see,

the secret is
really in the drying.

It's gotta be long and slow.
- Mr. Kuzak?

- Your Honor, I have
just one more question,

with your permission.

Thank you.

Mr. Eastman, do
you know this dog?

- Puddles? Sure.

She's been my best
friend for 22 years.

- 22 years.

That's a long time
for a dog to live.

- Well, she's been
freeze-dried for six of them.

- Your Honor?

- It's not nearly as
voluminous as it would appear.

Once you review
the documentation,

I believe the execution
can be completed...

- That won't be
necessary, Mr. Reikman.

We're not signing.

- I'm afraid you have no choice.

- A poison pill will be adopted
and ratified this afternoon

which will quadruple
your takeover costs.

- Pardon me, madam,
but let's not bluff.

Now, you can't stop us.

We can either do this
easy or we can do it rough.

- Your client is attempting
to strip Mr. Cavelli

of a company that
he and his family

have devoted
their entire lives to.

You may win, sir, but
it's going to be so difficult,

so painful and so expensive...

- Believe me when I tell you

that the pain will
be yours only.

And as far as the
expense is concerned,

I eat companies all the time.

Tony's Toys is just a snack.

- What you do,
Mr. Stern, is r*pe.

- Then I guess you
have two choices.

Fight and get bloodied
or lie back and enjoy it.

- I don't appreciate that, sir.

- Gordon Stern does not r*pe.

- He's not equipped for it.

- Oh, a low blow, sir.
- Don't worry.

I can't hurt it if
he don't have it.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- Please, can we get on
with the business at hand?

- No. I wanna find out what
the hell he meant by that.

- What I meant is, if you
could cut it in the bedroom,

you wouldn't need to
do it in a boardroom.

- Sit down, Mr. Stern.

- Unless you like it with guys!

Is that what you
get off on, Mr. Stern?

- Shut your mouth!
- Get outta my face!

- Hold it!
- Hey!

- That's enough!
- Let go of him!

- Gordon, for God's sake...

- Come on, get up, get up!

Come on, get up,
you spineless fruit!

- I can't. My chest!

It's like I'm having
a heart att*ck.

- Mr. Cavelli?
- All right, call an ambulance.

- Oh, my God.

- Coming through,
please. Watch it.

- We're coming through
here, please. Clear the way.

- What's happening?

- Criminal as*ault, Mr. Stern.

That's what's happening.
- He provoked me.

- If he dies, manslaughter,

not to mention the
civil suit we're filing.

And since you took that swing
as Chief Executive Officer,

your big company's
on the hook, too.

Tony's Toys is gonna
eat you alive, mister.

Snack on that.

- And as far as I can see,

all the assets are
community property.

We've already discussed
the house, the automobiles.

- What about the two films?

- Well, I'm no expert on
show business, Mr. Gild,

but what makes sense to me

is that we just split
the profits, if any, 50-50.

- Actually, seeing
as how my client

has a more personal
connection with "Galaxy"

and yours with "Rose Bush,"

I thought perhaps we'd
take the "Galaxy" profits

and you take "Rose Bush."

- No.
- Even up, you mean?

- That's ridiculous.

- I thought you hated "Galaxy".

- Galactic garbage.

- Garbage? I bared my
soul on that picture, lady.

And when the public
sees what I put...

- I've seen you bare your soul,
not to mention everything else,

and believe me,
it's not a pretty sight.

- Well, you're one to speak.

You didn't see her
before the nose job.

There was enough left over
for two chairs and an ottoman.

- Very sensitive, you hack.

- I wonder if I might engage
with my client privately?

- Certainly.

- Just watch out
for your wallet.

- This'll just be a minute.

- Well, a minute's about
as long as he's good for.

- What are you doing
for dinner tonight?

- I was planning on having you.

- In that case, skip lunch.

- How's your finger?

- Better.

- I've got something
for you to put on it

that'll make it
feel much better.

- Mr. Gild, emotions aside,

I would be in breach
of my fiduciary duty

if I accepted your proposal.

- Well, we might be willing

to make some further
financial concessions.

- Such as?

- Um, the tax-free muni bonds.

- Again, Mr. Gild, I know
little about this movie stuff,

but the market
research indicates

that "Galaxy" could
earn 100 million,

more than 10 times the
potential of "Rose Bush."

- Market research
is hardly reliable.

- But what if I
were to ignore it

and it became a reality?

I might be guilty
of malpractice.

- Give it to him.

I don't care if it
makes 2 billion.

It still stinks and I wanna
be free of the stench.

- You want stench? Take
a whiff of "Rose Bush!"

- Please! Look, please!

It is my job

to effect financial
parody in this settlement.

- Sit down.

- Sit down.

- Perhaps if you took...

The house, too.

- Even with the art collection
and all of its other contents,

the value would
only be 3 to 4 million.

- Take it, for God's sakes,
and let's be done with this.

- I will not give away "Galaxy."

You'd sue me later.
What else is there?

- The condo in Aspen.

- Now you've gone too far.

- All right.

We're back to square one.

- All right, the muni bonds,
the home, its contents,

and the condo in Aspen.

Take it or leave it.

- Done.

- Then we have a deal?

- I'll messenger the
papers over for signature.

You were phenomenal.

You were fabulous.

- Well, I hope my
partners think so.

With the deal we've struck,

it's gonna be a while
before I get paid.

- Aw. Well, here's a
little advance right now.

- Mr. Gertz, aside
from being president

of the U.S. Association

for Funeral Directors
and Mortuaries,

you also personally
own three funeral parlors.

Is that correct?
- Correct.

- Mr. Gertz, the
funeral business

is pretty lucrative, isn't it?

- We do all right.

- Well, better than
all right, I would think.

It's the only
business I can think of

that we're all going
to need sooner or later.

- What are you getting at?

- Well, if the current
laws were to be changed,

it could hurt you
guys pretty bad.

- You know, I'm
getting sick and tired

of the abuse everyone heaps
on the funeral profession.

And my participation here today

as a witness for the state

has nothing to do with
either business or money.

- You still haven't answered
my question, Mr. Gertz.

- If everyone in the world
wanted to be freeze-dried,

I could go into freeze-drying.

Buy up all the dehydrators

and literally bury the
small-timers like Eastman.

- So what you're saying then

is that aside from
the tie to tradition,

you really have no
objection to freeze-drying.

- Don't twist my words
around, young man.

I said that's what I could
do, but I never would.

Because as a
God-fearing American

and the father
of three children,

I object to freeze-drying as
an affront to a decent society.

First it's that man, then maybe
it's my next door neighbor.

I do not want
and I will not have

my children exposed
to something like that.

- Well, maybe they should be.

Don't you think maybe it's time

that all of us in this country

stop trying so hard to hide
from the reality of death?

- The reality of death
is not freeze-drying.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

That's what the Bible says.

And in denying the natural
order of the birth and death cycle,

freeze-drying is nothing
less than an abomination,

an offense against God.

And you, sir, are a blasphemer!

- How dare you judge me!

- How about let's take
a little recess, hmm?

- Hi, guys.

- Happy Halloween.

- Meow!

- Come in.

- You wanted to see us, Leland?

- Ann. Stuart.
How's Mr. Cavelli?

- He's out of danger.

Fortunately, as these things go,

it was a pretty mild att*ck.

- Well, that's good news.

- And in consideration

of our agreeing not to
file a civil as*ault suit,

Stern has completely
withdrawn his takeover attempt.

- That's very nice.

Happy endings are
few and far between.

My compliments on your
handling of the entire matter.

- Thank you.

- Please sit down.

I know you've been anxious

about the results of our
meeting this morning.

- Yes, we are.

- Well, let me end the suspense

with my heartfelt
congratulations.

You are both hereby
tendered offers

of partnership in the firm,
and I hope you'll accept.

- Well, speaking
only for myself,

I'm really quite moved.

I'd just like to
express thank you.

I accept.

- Me, too, Leland. Thanks.

- I'll leave it to Douglas to
fill you in on the particulars.

And as I'm sure you'd
both like a moment's privacy

to more adequately
express your mutual pleasure,

I will take this opportunity
to excuse myself.

- For your signature.

- Great outfit. Very sexy.

- Thank you.

- Okay, I give up. What'd I do?

- Nothing.

- Rox, you're treating me
like a pan full of used kitty litter.

What's the matter? Rox?

- How could you let yourself
get involved with that woman?

- What woman?

- Hillary Mishkin.

It is totally unprofessional.

- I'm not involved with her.

- Then what was that
kiss I walked in on?

- Oral testimony.

- Ha!

- Rox, I'm representing
her in a divorce.

- She undresses you every
time she looks at you, the slut.

- Rox! I don't like it
any more than you do.

It makes me feel
used, and dirty, sort of.

- Then why do you do it?

- Because these
women are in pain.

They're so
vulnerable, powerless,

rejected, low self-esteem,

and they look to me for
friendship and support.

Sometimes they
need something more,

like a kiss to make
them feel feminine again.

Is that so terrible?

- I guess not.

- Believe me, I
get no thrill from it,

but how do I say no without
being an insensitive jerk?

- Oh, I'm the insensitive jerk.

I got possessive and jealous.

I'm sorry.

- Hey, you're my pussycat,

and don't you forget it.

- Oh, Arnie, sometimes I
forget what a good man you are.

- Get outta here.
Wait. Give me a kiss.

- Mr. Finneman, if you
would, describe your health.

- It stinks.

- Could you be a little
more specific than that?

- I have cardiomyopathy.

- I see. And what's
the prognosis?

- Well, without a transplant
which they won't give me,

it's incurable and degenerative.

- Mr. Finneman, I
know how painful

this must be to contemplate,

but have your doctors told you

how much longer
you have to live?

Doctors.

If you're interested, ask them.

- Your Honor, you have
before you medical records

attesting to the fact
that Mr. Finneman

has less than
four months to live.

- And you have no
right, no damn right,

to tell me I can't
be freeze-dried!

- Mr. Finneman, what is
your objection to being buried?

- No one's gonna stuff
me into a damn black box

six feet underground.

- Well, cremation would
solve that problem, wouldn't it?

- How'd you like
to be incinerated

with all your flesh
roasted off your...

- Which brings us
to freeze-drying.

- Which not one, not one of
your damn so-called experts

has proven for one second
that there's anything wrong with!

- Mr. Finneman, if you
can, could you tell the Court

why it is that
being freeze-dried

is so important to you?

- Why I want to be
freeze-dried is my business.

If I wanna sit out on a
bench under my gazebo

so I can see my swimming pool,

my tennis court, my house,

who the hell am I hurting?

If I wanna feel
the rain on my face

or feel the warmth of the sun

or just let the birds
poop all over me,

whose damn business is it?

Whose... Whose damn business...

- Under the circumstances,
Mr. Kuzak, Mr. Spitzer,

I'd like to meet with all
the principles in chambers.

I'm frankly at a loss here.

If I should decide against
Mr. Finneman's suit

for declaratory relief, there
are grounds for appeal.

- You're damn right there are.

- Likewise, if I were
to find for the plaintiff.

Now inasmuch as I am merely

your garden variety
Superior Court judge

and, well, learned hand,

and insofar as time
is of the essence,

isn't there some way
we can navigate our way

out of this legal mess?

- It's their suit, Your Honor.

Our hands are tied.

- Mr. Kuzak?

- I believe my client is adamant

in his pursuit of
relief, Your Honor.

- How old are you, Mr. Finneman?

- I'm 64.

- Well, I'm on the
back nine myself,

and while I'm not crazy
about the thought of dying,

it's a fact of life I
know I have to accept.

- Spare me the lecture.

You're not the one who's dying.

Why can't I do what I want?

It's my right!

- What about your family's
rights, Mr. Finneman?

You have this idea in your head

that you're gonna
be freeze-dried

and stuck on a bench
in your back yard.

All right, let's imagine
just for the hell of it

I said, okay, go ahead.

What about the people
you're leaving behind?

Your children, your wife?

How is she supposed to
have a party with you out there?

What if she wants
to bring a date home?

Or what if she decides
to sell the house?

Who'd wanna buy it

with you sitting out
there under the gazebo?

- No one's gonna sell
that house from under me.

- The point is, Mr. Finneman,

you're refusing to
accept the reality of death,

the fact that the
world will go on

about its business without you.

That your wife will
have a life without you.

Your children will
grow old without you.

- Oh, will you shut up!

- That if only you
can be freeze-dried,

you can cheat the
Grim Reaper, hmm?

- Leave him be.
Stop badgering him.

- I'm just trying to
understand, Mrs. Finneman.

I have to make a decision.

Help me out here,
Mr. Finneman, will you, please?

I need to know why
it's so important to you.

- When I was a boy,
I used to lie in bed

in the pitch dark wide awake,

trying not to think about
it, but I couldn't stop.

I'd imagine myself dead in a box

six feet under the ground.

Total darkness, straining
to see, straining to hear.

I can't move my hands more
than an inch above my face.

My brain's screaming,
"Let me out of here,"

knowing that I was
trapped, dead forever.

In a million years from now,

I'm only starting
to be dead forever.

I'd start to whimper.

- Mrs. Finneman, you've
been silent throughout.

What's your feeling
about all this?

- It's his life.

If it's what he wants,
he should have it.

- Is it what you want?

- No, but I'm not
afraid like he is.

- If it was up to
you, Mrs. Finneman,

what would you do?

- If it was up to me...

I would die with him.

- Hey, hey, hey, no, no!

Don't say that.

- So that we could
be together, baby boy.

That's why you're so afraid.

You always hated being alone.

- I'm so scared.
Why do I have to die?

It's not fair!

It's not fair.

- Life is not fair, sweet boy.

Life is just life.

- Mr. Finneman.

Mr. Finneman.

In my own mind, I haven't
yet decided this case,

but given the issues
in question here,

what I'd like to do if it's
agreeable with everybody

is set aside your
complaint for now.

- That's fine with me.

- Mr. Finneman?

- I'll do whatever you want.

Burial, cremation, whatever.

- Take your time. Talk it over.

And God bless you, sir.

- Trick or treat, counselor.

- Pretty scary.

Oh, excuse me.
- Sorry.

- Kevin and Grace,
I can't tell you

what a privilege
and a pleasure it is

for me to be joining the two of
you in matrimony on this day.

And I can only hope I'll have
the privilege and pleasure

of swearing in the bride

as Municipal Court Judge
of the Seventh District.

- Thank you.

- Now for the matter at hand.

Do you, Kevin Crenshaw,

take this woman,
Grace Van Owen...

- Excuse me. I
hope I'm not too late.

- Excuse me.

I think you're looking
for the Wallerstein party.

It's on the ninth floor.

- Actually, I'd like to have

a few words with Ms. Van Owen.

It is still Van Owen, isn't it?

- Look, pal, whoever
you are, we're...

- It's all right. This
will only be a moment.

What? I'm in the
middle of getting married.

- Just tell me
that that's the guy

that you wanna spend
the rest of your life with.

The rest of your life, Gracie.

Just tell me that
and I'm outta here

and I'll never bother you again.

- Look, I don't
know who you are,

but if you don't
leave here right now,

I'm gonna call the sheriff.

- Gracie? I know this is
a hell of a time to say this,

but I'm in love with you.

- Gracie, you want me to
throw this guy out of here?

- Just give me a minute, Kevin.

- Walk out of here with me now.

- I don't know.

- Well, you better make
up your mind quick,

because they're
getting impatient.

- I'm sorry, Kevin.

Mom, Daddy, I'm so sorry.

Well, let's go before
I change my mind.

- Hey, yo, ape man!

Leon's my name and
photography's my game.

How about a snapshot of
the bride and groom, huh?

- Definitely.

Thanks.

- 10 bucks, my man.

- 10 bucks?

You got any cash?

- No.

- Forget it. No pockets.

- So, uh, what's it
gonna be with us, Kuzak?

- I don't know.

I thought maybe Santa Barbara.

- I didn't mean just tonight.

- There's something you
have to know about me, Grace.

I'm probably not as good

at planning the
future as you are.

- But no big deal, right?

I mean, you probably
had to cancel a dinner date.

- I love you, Grace,

and I'm just happy
to be with you.

Are you happy?

That's funny.

You don't look very happy.

Oh, damn it!

I love you, you big ape.