01x13 - Prince Kuzak in a Can

Episode transcripts for the TV show "L. A. Law". Aired: September 15, 1986 – May 19, 1994.*
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High-powered law firm of McKenzie, Brackman, Chaney and Kuzak handles both criminal and civil cases, but the office politics and romance often distract them from the courtroom.
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01x13 - Prince Kuzak in a Can

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- Previously on L.A. Law.

- I know how you
get this time of year,

so I'll pick him up
on Monday, okay?

- Thank you.

- Honey, I really do love you.

- Everything's gonna be okay.

- I'm 44 years old and I'm
locked up in a rubber room.

- I like you, Sid,
even if you are nuts.

- When I was in the hospital,
you were the only one to come

to see me, and I want
you to know it meant a lot.

- Well, I'm just glad
to see you back.

- I'm, uh, in Division
50 this afternoon.

Why don't you come
see me in action?

A friendly face is...
It's a nice thing to see.

- Sid! No!

- Hi, Mike.

- You want to tell me
your thinking, George?

You got a million drug
busts backing up like sewage.

There aren't enough courtrooms
to handle your current caseload

of axe murderers,
and yet you continue

to press for a jury trial
on a lousy hooker beef?

- Hello, George, how are
you? I'm fine, Mike, thanks.

Smogs a bitch, ain't it?

- Can we cut through
the crap here, please?

- You want to slow
down and tell me

what you're talking about?

- Lurline Connors.

This case never should
have gone to court

in the first place.

And if it hadn't, there's
an outside chance

that Sid Hershberg
would be alive today.

- Sid wanted that trial, not me.

I offered him a lousy fine
and credit for time served,

so get the hell off my back
before I knock you down.

- I'm sorry. I thought that...

- Think again.

- Well, is the offer still good?

- Of course it is.

I'm not looking
to build a career

on 50 buck hooker
trials for God's sake.

- George... I'm sorry
about the attitude.

I've been under
a lot of pressure.

- Forget it.

You took his
caseload, didn't you?

- Yeah.

Don't ask me why,
because I don't know.

I'll see you in court.

- Mike, you all right?

- Yeah. Why?

- Because I'm not.

Ever since Sid ate his g*n,
I've been having nightmares.

I'm afraid to go
to sleep at night.

I'm depressed, I'm anxious.

I had to go back to my shrink.

That's the most awful thing
I've ever seen in my life.

Man, it makes you
stop and think about stuff

you don't want to
stop and think about.

- People versus Joseph Sears.

- Hit and run vehicular
manslaughter.

Sid Hershberg's case.

- People versus
Connors, a prost*tute.

- Sid Hershberg.
- Sid Hershberg.

- How about it, Mike?

Do you want me to
take one of them for you?

- It's under control.

- Just because the man's
dead, there's no reason for us

to pick up every
case he ever handled.

- It's just these two
cases and I'm doing them.

If you don't like it, too bad.

- What about Cromwell Aircraft?

- Please not again.

Excuse me, I've almost got it.

- You've been
saying that for a week.

We spend thousands of dollars

updating our phone system
and all we get in chaos.

- Douglas, I've
got a client sitting

in my office who's
a computer genius.

- Forget it.

This is sophisticated equipment,

not a toy for some
computer hack.

- The kid's a whiz.

He can have this phone
mess straightened out

in a couple of hours.

- I think I know what it is now.

- Mm-hmm.

- Back to Cromwell Aircraft.

This is a huge chance for us
to land a major, major client.

- George Cromwell will
be in town this afternoon

to interview the five biggest
firms in the city, and us.

- How do we rate?

- Vice president
is a friend of mine,

and he was kind enough
to put us on the list.

He was also good
enough to give me

a profile on Mr. Cromwell.

This should give us an edge
at this afternoon's meeting.

- This is major litigation,
and I don't want to blow it,

Michael, just because
our top trial lawyer

is too busy with one of Sid
Hershberg's streetwalkers.

- I can handle it, Douglas.
- Mm-hmm.

- Well, just the
same, let's have Ann

give you some backup on this.

- I'd like the two of
you to review this file

and reconvene in my
office in 15 minutes.

- That's it, we're adjourned.

- Mike, I was serious in there.

Let me take some
of the weight off.

- I'm okay.
- You sure?

You look like hell.

- What did I just say, Victor?

- Hey, you were
standing ten feet away

from a guy who blew
out his own brains.

I just think now's
a good time to take

a couple of days off, you know?

Take the long weekend.

- Look, when I want your
advice, I will ask for it, okay?

- Look, Mr. Kuzak, I've
been thinking... yeah.

I've been thinking
the whole thing over

and, uh, well,
here's the brainstorm.

How about when
my aunt gets up there

to testify about
the car registration,

I get her to say that we
were together all afternoon.

Say we went to the
beach or something.

- Suborning perjury
is not the way

I do business, Mr. Sears.

- Right.

I'll tell you one thing,

Sid Hershberg would not
have given me a hard time.

- If you are unhappy with
the way I'm representing you,

feel free to find
yourself another lawyer.

- You think you can get me off?

- The prosecution
has to prove guilt

beyond a reasonable doubt.

- And you don't think they can?

- Their whole case comes
down to showing that you were

driving your aunt's car
at the time of the accident,

and all they have to establish

that is one
unreliable eyewitness.

- What about the videotape?

- Obviously I will try again
to have that excluded,

but even if they show it,
the images are so murky

that it's less than convincing.

- So you think 50/50?
- Hmm?

- 50/50?

- Oh, I think actually
better than that.

Look, Mr. Sears, I
understand your concern,

and I assure you
that I will give you

the best defense I legally can.

Um, if you'll excuse
me, I gotta run.

I'm late for a meeting.
- Right.

- I'll see you in court.
Wear a coat and tie.

- Why is he meeting with
everyone at the same time?

I never heard of
anything like that.

- Well, he's pressed for time.

It's the only way he's
able to see everyone.

- What a bunch of crap.

- You have to be
at this meeting.

What's Cromwell
going to think if...

- Douglas, I have a
995 motion scheduled.

- I'll go to the meeting and
I'll explain to Mr. Cromwell

that my chief litigator
is in court and can't...

- I think I should go, Leland.

I've read this guy's profile,

and he thinks of senior
partners as self-contented and fat.

Not that you are, but he likes

a hungry fighter
type, and that's me.

- But a fight may not
be what's needed here.

This case should
probably be settled.

- Excuse me, did we
read the same file?

- How many civil cases
have you won, Ann?

Besides which, this should
be a simple insurance matter.

- Michael, if you
read the file carefully,

then you would know
that Mr. Cromwell

is refusing to settle, and
frankly, I agree with him.

The FAA said it was human error,

there was nothing
wrong with the jet.

And if he settles this
one, he's on the hook

for the five other
deaths as well.

- Product liability can drag
on forever with the discovery,

the expense.

I say it makes more
sense to avoid the w*r.

- But he has already
decided to go to w*r.

What he is shopping
for now is a soldier.

If we tell him to shy
away from the battle,

he's just going to
hire another g*n.

- Fine.

You want to take
this on, be my guest.

- Michael.
- Look, do what you want.

Send me a memo. I'm late.

- I can handle this, Leland.

I think I've got a
feeling for this guy.

- Okay.

Meet me here at 3:30,
and we'll head over.

- Leland, let me
bang the drum alone.

Trust me, I will
get you this client.

- And in light of the fact
that this is his first offense,

Your Honor, I'd
request that you accept

our joint recommendation.

Defendant pleads guilty
to Count One, Counts Two

through Seven are dismissed.

- I don't take computer
fraud lightly, Counselor.

Your client accessed
the records of

the telephone
company and deleted

all his friend's phone bills.

- As Christmas
presents, Your Honor.

He didn't act for personal gain.

- I see.

Defendant, please rise.

Step up to the bench.

Son, you're 18 years old,
and the things you pulled here,

I can see you're a
very gifted young man.

I think you'd do well to
take advantage of your talent

and not fall victim to
your boyish mischief.

Now, I'm going to grant
your lawyer's request

and drop the remaining six
counts in the sincere hope

that you use your
special skills to accomplish

all the good things
you're capable of.

Please don't disappoint me.

Formal sentencing to take place

when defendant
meets with probation

and I get the report.

- Thank you, Your Honor.

- Andrew, about your legal fees.

- Yeah.

- Well, I think I've got a
way for you to work it off.

You really that good
with telephones?

- Am I good? Here, watch this.

- What are you doing?

- This is just to get by
all the security checks.

- Oval Office, may I help you?

- Yes. Is President Reagan in?

- Give me that.

- I came out of the video store

and walked across
the street to my car.

- So you had a clear
view of the crosswalk?

- Yes.

- Mrs. Fields, would you please
tell us what happened next?

- The young lady
was in the cross walk,

and then the car came out of
nowhere and knocked her down.

It didn't even stop.

He kept right on going.

- Mrs. Fields, I know this
all happened very fast,

but did you get a
good look at the driver?

- He was a white
man, about 40 years old

and he had a mustache.

- Would you recognize
him if you saw him again?

- I believe I could.

- Do you see him
today in this courtroom?

- Yes. Right there.

- Please stand, sir, and
state your name for the record.

- Jason Cooper, Your Honor.

- What?

- The record will indicate,
Your Honor, that the witness

has failed to identify
the defendant,

Joseph Sears who is
sitting right behind me.

Mr. Cooper is a paralegal
working in my office.

He's assisting me on this case.

- Your Honor, I ask that
Mr. Kuzak be sanctioned

for this deceptive maneuver.

- Hey, I do not
have to tolerate that.

- Take it easy, Mr. Kuzak.

Continue Ms. Gylkowski.

- They look a lot alike.
- I agree.

- Objection.
- Withdrawn.

- Mrs. Fields, I show
you a photograph

and ask you if you recognize it.

- Yes.

- The police showed
me about ten pictures

on the night of the accident.

I picked this one out as
being the man driving the car.

- At this time, I
would like to introduce

into evidence a picture
of Mr. Joseph Sears

taken at the Culver
City Police Department

at the time of booking.

- No objection, Your Honor.

- No further questions for
Mrs. Fields, Your Honor.

- No questions.

- You may step down.

- Your Honor, at this
time I would like to ask

for a brief recess in
order to give me time

to set up the video monitor.

- And I would like to restate
my objection to the introduction

of the videotape on the grounds

that it's inflammatory
and there's nothing to tie

the events
recorded to my client.

- Thank you, Mr. Kuzak,
motion denied.

We'll take a ten-minute recess.

- What are you doing here?
- Just being sociable.

I had a free hour.

- Like hell, you're
babysitting me.

- Take it easy, Mike.

- So how did I do?
Do I get your approval?

- Come on, we got a break,

let's get a cup of
coffee or something.

- Get out of here, Victor.
Let me get my job done.

- See, I was having
trouble with the light meter.

That's the salesman
next to my girlfriend.

It's at this point you can
see the lady go around them,

and then I lose
her for a minute.

- Slow the tape, please.

- And that's where he hit her.

- Driver didn't stop.

- Since my grandfather,
a direct descendant

of Oliver Wendell
Holmes, began this firm

over a hundred years ago,

Ambrone and Fine
have been regarded

as one of the finest

and most prestigious
firms in this country.

But I want to be honest.

The integrity and
reputation of every firm

here today is beyond reproach,

and you will be well represented
whichever you choose.

But if you'll look
through those national

legal publications
I've given you,

you'll see that our performance
record is at the very top.

And if you truly believe
that Cromwell Aircraft

deserves the best,
well, here we are.

- Thank you.

Ms. Kelsey?

- My firm, Mr. Cromwell,
hasn't been around

for a hundred
years, and I haven't

read anything about us
in the national journals.

But I have read this
complaint and I can tell you,

you don't have to
be a descendent

of Oliver Wendell Holmes
to know that this thing stinks.

It's tragic that the pilot and
those five passengers d*ed,

and I don't doubt that we all
sympathize with their families.

But the fact remains, this
tragedy was not your fault,

and I'm dismayed
that anyone in this room

would even think about entering
into settlement discussions.

A trial is w*r, and there's
supposed to be casualties,

and if I'm confronted by
an empty complaint like this,

I don't go out waltzing
with settlement feelers.

- Have you thought
about the cost of such

a litigation, Ms. Kelsey?

- Yes. I've thought about
the cost, Mr. Merithew.

I've also thought
about the fact that

McMay and Kramer is here

with two partners
and an associate.

If the meter was running,
an hour-and-a-half meeting

with an hour travel time
would bring your firm's bill

for this little get
together to almost $1500.

1500 bucks and all he
tells you is to think about

rolling over on
a worthless bluff.

I'm here by myself, saying more,

and prepared to do more,
and my time for this meeting

would run you about $300.

These are all great
firms, Mr. Cromwell,

and they're absolutely right.

If you want fine,
respectable representation

with years of tradition
backing you up,

pick one of them.

But if you want a firm
that despises defeat,

if you want someone
who will stick it

right back to shameless
lawyers rolling the dice

for litigious clients,
if you want to win,

then we're it, Mr. Cromwell.

We're it.

- I was a jerk.

Damn near bit his
head off, and it turns out

it was Sid Hershberg
who wanted a trial.

- Sid Hershberg
wanted an audience.

- You look awful, mister.

- Would everybody
get off my back?

All I need to do is
make it to the weekend

and get a little rest.

I'll be okay.

- Buy why are you
doing this to yourself?

You don't need his skuzzy cases.

- Grace, please
don't lecture me.

- Okay.

If you're interested,
I pulled a favor.

- Lou Corrigan is going to
take my Friday night shift.

We can hit the road by 5:00,

be in Palm Springs at 7:30.

We'll spend the
weekend eating, sleeping,

sunning, groping each other.

- What do you say, stranger?

- Sounds great.
- Great.

I gotta go, but you sit
as long as you want.

Think about life,
think about death,

and don't forget to turn the
lights out when you leave.

- See, and by bypassing
the main board,

each extension has
a direct connection.

Now, here's a
neat little feature

that I've put in just for you.

See, it's this... excuse me.

It's this foot pedal right
here, and it's connected

to the voice terminal,
so now you don't have

to use a free hand
to answer a call, right?

So, uh, you're typing...
Oh, God, I'm sorry.

And, um, you can't
reach, you just hit the pedal

with your foot and there it is.

Now, let's talk call forward.

- Who is that boy
dismantling our phones?

- Brackman.
- Yeah.

- Mr. Sifuentes brought him in.

- I want him out.
- Are you kidding?

Thanks to him
it's the first time

these phones have
worked in a week.

- You see, sir, what it
is that I'm doing is that

by eliminating the direct dial,

office communications won't
be racking up message units.

It should save the firm
about $12,000 annually.

- Oh.

- Now, Ms. Melman, how about
a nice little override system,

any intercept tone you want.

- No, thank you.

- It's really no trouble at all.

You know, if you
want, I could hook up

a nice monitor screen right
here so that you could get cable.

It'd be no trouble.

- Ann, how'd it go?

- Um, I think we
got a good sh*t.

- Look, I'm sorry
about this morning.

- It's okay.

- Let me change a
few appointments.

I ought to be able to free
up some time tomorrow

for breakfast if Cromwell
wants to sit down with me.

- It's okay, everything's
under control.

- Ann.

- Michael, Lurline Connors
is on the phone for you.

- I'll call her back.

- She's calling from jail, Mike.

- Stuart?

- Hang on a second.

Damn. Hi.

- Listen, I gotta break dinner.

- Everything all right?

- George Cromwell
wants me to meet with him.

- No kidding. That's great.

Gee, that's sounds
really promising.

- You sure you don't mind?

- I can probably find something
that will keep me busy.

Knock him dead.

- Couldn't you at
least have waited until

we pled you out
on the other beef?

- A person has
to eat, counselor.

- Bail per schedule at $2500.

- Talk to Barney's Bail Bonds.

Ask for Barney
Rosetti personally.

He'll take care of it.

- The arraignment is
tomorrow afternoon.

I may have to ask
for a continuance.

- No problem.

By the by, is it okay if I
pay you like I paid Sid?

- Look, why don't you
just pay me tomorrow

at the arraignment, okay?

- You sure?

- How did you and Sid do it?

- Usually in his car.

- Our safety record
speaks for itself.

No, thank you.

That plane is one of
the safest in the sky

if you've been
trained to pilot it.

I know, I went over
every inch of it myself.

- You're a deep
pocket, Mr. Cromwell.

Those lawyers probably
think they can flush out

some quick money.

- But you think we can win?
- I do.

Furthermore, I think
there's a chance that

they'll fold before we
get to court, but it's critical

that we communicate
right from the outset

that we mean business.

- Well, I must say, I
have a very good feeling

about us working together.

I'm very impressed
with your intensity,

your grasp of the subject,

your competitiveness, your eyes.

- Well, that's very nice.

- Please don't take this wrong.

I'm not very good
at indirectness,

so I'm just going to say it.

I'm very attracted to you.

- I should tell
you, George, that

I'm involved with someone.

- Stuart Markowitz.
- You know him?

- No.

- But like you, I
do my homework.

I like to check out
the competition.

- Well, then you know
how deeply committed

I am to the relationship.

- I see.

I hope I haven't offended you.

- Only if getting
the job is tied

to my romantic interest in you.

- No, that was never a question.

- The job is yours, and
please accept my apology

if I've made you
feel uncomfortable.

- And I'm completely
coded the Sentrex

so you can reach each extension

with a one- or a
two-digit number.

- I made you number one.

- Thank you, Andrew.

- You know, I'd be happy
to come to your house

and program your system.

My mom can run the
dishwasher from the bathroom.

- That's really something.
Will you excuse me?

- Oh, okay.

- That young man
is in love with you.

- Go on.

- Trust me, his
hormones are in flames.

- Arnie, you're teasing me.

- Don't break his heart, Rox.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- I just heard the good
news. Congratulations.

- Thanks, Stuart.

I called you last night.

I guess you got in late, huh?

- It was almost midnight;
I didn't want to wake you.

- Nice flowers.

- George Cromwell sent them.

- Yeah, I know.

Look, I'm trying not to
overreact here or anything,

but I'm... I'm
jealous of this guy.

- Stuart, it was a
pleasant dinner.

We discussed the case.

- It was entirely professional.

- And he just sends
people entirely professional

hundred dollar baskets
of flowers, right?

- Is that a crime?

- It's not a crime, no.

- You're making it sound
as if I did something wrong.

- No, Ann. I don't think
you did anything wrong.

- Want me to send them back?

- No. I don't want you
send the flowers back, Ann.

I'm sorry. Okay?

- Maybe you would prefer
it if I just didn't enjoy them.

- Yeah. I think I
would prefer that.

- It's George Cromwell on 26.

- Detective Zacchino,
calling your attention

to the evening of July 10,
1986, were you dispatched

to an address at 416
Higuera Street in Culver City?

- Yes, I was.
- And why was that?

- We received
notification that a vehicle

believed to have been
involved in a hit and run accident

had been recovered,
and it's registration

traced to an Ellen Pearl
who resided at that address.

- Detective, what
happened when you arrived

at 416 Higuera Street?

- We were admitted
by a man matching

the description of the driver.

- He identified himself
as Mr. Joseph Sears.

- Did you have occasion
to question Mr. Sears

at that time?

- When I asked him to
account for his whereabouts

at the time of the accident,
he became abusive.

- How so?

- He made disparaging
remarks about my relations

with an intimate
member of my family.

- Detective Zacchino,
was there anything about

Mr. Sears' appearance
or conduct which indicated

to you that he'd been drinking?

- Objection. Leading.

- Overruled.

You may answer the question.

- He was slurring his
words, and I detected

the smell of alcohol
on his breath.

- Did you ask him to
take a breathalyzer test?

- Yes. He refused.
- And what happened then?

- Well, believing there
was sufficient evidence

that a crime had been committed,

I advised Mr. Sears of
his constitutional rights

and placed him in custody.

- Thank you, Detective.
No further questions.

- No questions, Your Honor.

- The State rests, Your Honor.

- Mr. Kuzak?

- Ready to proceed, Your Honor.

- Call Ellen Pearl.

- Thank you.

- Ms. Pearl, are you the
owner of a 1978 Ford sedan?

- It used to belong
to my late husband.

I know I should have sold
it, but I guess somewhere

I keep hoping I'll get better
and can start driving again.

- And yet you continue
to maintain the vehicle

and keep it insured and
registered in any case.

- Oh, my nephew does.

- As far as you
know, does Mr. Sears

every drive your car?

- Oh, why would he want to?

I mean, he has
two cars of his own.

- Does anyone have
permission to drive your car,

Ms. Pearl?

- There's the boy who
lives across the street

and does my marketing.

I hang a nail... I mean,
I hang a key on a nail

in the garage so if he needs
the car he can borrow it.

- So really, any
number of people

could have access to your car.

- I don't understand.

- My point is that any number
of people could have taken

the key down from the nail
and driven away in your car;

is that correct?

- Oh, no.

They're all very nice people.

None of them could
have done this awful thing.

And it wasn't my nephew either.

- And how do you know that?

- Because he was with
me the whole afternoon.

Oh, Your Honor,
please forgive an old lady

her infirmities, but it
would be so much easier

if I could just explain
what happened.

- Your Honor.

- Your Honor, wait a minute.

- I'll allow the
witness to proceed

in a narrative fashion.

- Ms. Pearl?
- Thank you.

My nephew took me to
the beach that Saturday.

We were there the
whole afternoon.

He's so thoughtful.

He knows I get cooped
up in that house all week.

Anyway, we had a little lunch

and then we sat
out in the open air,

so he couldn't have
been in that accident.

- At what hours were you
and your nephew at the beach?

- We left at 11:00
in the morning,

and we got stuck in
awful traffic coming home,

and we didn't back
until nearly 5:30.

And the next thing I knew,
we were having a small cocktail

and suddenly the
police officers came

and said that my car had
been in a terrible accident.

And then that...

That's when they
took Joseph away.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

- Your Honor,
approach the bench?

- Approach.

- If I could see you in
chambers, Your Honor.

- All right, Mr. Kuzak.

We're in recess.

- Your Honor, I have
reason to believe

that one of my witnesses
has lied on the stand.

- Did you knowingly present
this alleged perjured testimony?

- No, sir. It came as a
complete surprise to me.

- The problem then?

- Well, now that this
evidence has been admitted,

if I argue it in my
jury summation,

it's like I'm putting my
stamp of approval on it.

- So don't argue it.

- Well, then I'd be
shirking my responsibility

to zealously defend the client.

- Then what do you want from me?

- Remove me from the case.

- You're no virgin, Mr. Kuzak.

You know if I relieve
you and declare a mistrial,

I could be reversed
by the Appellate Court,

which means your
client could go free

because of double jeopardy.

On the other hand,
as far as I can tell,

no judge has ever been
reversed for allowing

purportedly perjured testimony.

- If you won't relieve
me, I'll withdraw,

and then Sears
could get a new trial.

- And what's to prevent him
from playing this same time

and money-wasting
game with his next lawyer,

and the one after that?

No, Mr. Kuzak.

Withdrawing is not the
answer to your dilemma.

The answer is to
let the system work.

You do your job, let the
DA do her job, and the jury

will do their job of
sorting out the truth

and the falsity
of the testimony.

- That's a comforting homily,
Your Honor, but you know

as well as I that
Sears will be acquitted.

That sweet little
old lady had the jury

eating out of the
palm of her hand.

- This was a Hershberg
case, wasn't it?

- So what?

- So I'm going to
do you a big favor

and take the problem
out of your hands.

I'm ordering you back
into that courtroom

and if you refuse, I'll cite
you for contempt, okay?

Now, I'm the bad
guy, and you're still

the noble torch carrier going
forward in an unperfect world.

- Well, that doesn't solve much.

- Witnesses lie on the
stand every day, Mr. Kuzak.

You want to debate
the ethical conundrum?

We'll have dinner
after this thing is over.

In the meantime, let's
just do our jobs, huh?

- People are ready, Your Honor.

- Mr. Kuzak?

- Ready, Your Honor.

- Ms. Pearl, you testified
that on the evening

of July 10 you were
visited by police officers;

is that correct?

- Yes.

- Mr. Kuzak, are you all right?

- Oh, yes, Your
Honor. Yes, I'm fine.

- Then let's move along.

- I'm unwilling to
proceed, Your Honor.

I'm withdrawing from this case.

- Do you understand
the significance

of what you're doing?

- I do, sir.

- Ladies and gentlemen of
the jury, we have a mistrial.

What that means is,
your obligation to this court

is concluded and
you're free to go.

We thank you for your
patience and your time,

and apologize that
you were unable

to complete the work
you were called here to do.

Mr. Sears, you have ten
days to get a new lawyer,

then we'll schedule a hearing

and set a new trial
date at that time.

Miss Pearl, thank
you, you're excused.

Ladies and gentlemen,
we'll see you all again.

Attorneys approach.

You're really a piece of
work, aren't you, Mr. Kuzak?

You're going to find out

there's a price to
pay for everything.

You're in contempt of court.

Anything to say before
I pronounce sentence?

- Oh, I assume I'll be
granted the a*t*matic

three-day stay, Your Honor.

- You assume wrong, Mr. Kuzak.

Bailiff.

Take Mr. Kuzak into custody.

And by the way,
while you're serving

your five-day
sentence, I'd like you

to know I'm getting an
early start on my vacation.

I'm going skiing in Utah.

Think of me on the slopes,
Mr. Kuzak, because I'm going

to be trying very hard
not to be thinking of you.

- How's your cell?

- They got me in isolation.

- You know, the Deputy
Sheriff, he's all excited.

They can't remember
when they had

a former DA in here before.

You're gonna
make the newsletter.

- Great.

- Look, Mike, I could
go ahead and file a writ,

but the hard part is
getting somebody to read it.

It's not real sharp
getting hit with contempt

on a Friday afternoon,
but McKenzie

says he's gonna
find another Judge

before everybody goes
away for the weekend.

So if worse comes to worse,

you gonna be okay till Monday?

- Gracie and I were hoping
to get away for the weekend.

- Yeah. I think you're gonna
have to change your plans.

- Hey, call her again
for me, will you?

- Sure thing.
- Thanks, Victor.

Oh, one other favor.

I got a client who's
scheduled to appear

in Division 40 at three
o'clock, Lurline Connors.

- One of Sid's cases?
- Yeah.

But I made a deal for her.

All you gotta do is show
up and plead her out,

but in the meantime she's
been arrested on another charge.

So if you just get a
continuance on that one,

I'll hand it when
I get out, okay?

- Why don't you let me
just clean them both up?

That way you get out of here,

you don't have to think
about Sid Hershberg anymore.

- I hate to ask, Victor.

- No hay problema.

Oh, yeah, Mike, stay
out of the shower room.

- It's my understanding
the DA and defense counsel

have come to agreement
on a plea bargain.

A $200 fine and credit for
time served; is that correct?

- Yes, Your Honor.

- Actually, Your Honor,
the deal was cut with

Ms. Connors' previous
attorney, Michael Kuzak.

- So what are you saying,
you don't want the deal now?

- Not necessarily.

It's merely if the court
will peruse the paperwork,

Your Honor will
notice that Ms. Connors

has had a subsequent arrest.

- So you're saying the DA
doesn't want the deal now?

- Actually, I was hoping
that we could save

the Court's time by
consolidating the two cases.

- Consolidate how?

- $200 fine and credit for
time served for both cases.

- I beg your pardon?

- In the interests of
fairness and justice,

kind of throw the last
one in at no extra charge.

- Would you care
to enumerate exactly

what interests you're
talking about, Counselor?

- Your Honor, my client
was originally represented

by Sidney Hershberg
and was in fact

present in court
when Mr. Hershberg

tragically and violently
took his own life.

- Which unfortunate occurrence

we all deeply regret, I'm sure.

And I may be missing
something here,

but I still fail to see any
issue of justice or fairness.

- Can you not imagine
the trauma my client

suffered witnessing
this tragic event?

And can you not
further imagine her even

more severe traumatization
if you were to deny my motion

and leave her sentencing
on the second matter

to the vagaries of some
less compassionate jurists

who might even go so
far as to incarcerate her

while still in this fragile
psychological state.

And given the fact that the
Court was arguably negligent

in appointing for her
an attorney well-known

for erratic and dangerous
behavior in the first place...

- Are you threatening a
lawsuit, Mr. Sifuentes?

- I'm merely stating
the grievous wrongs

the criminal system has
inflicted upon Ms. Connors.

Not to mention her
also being deprived

of her second attorney due
to his present incarceration

at the hands of yet
another of your brothers.

- Mr. Handelman, do you
have any feelings on this matter?

- None, Your Honor.
None whatsoever.

- I thought you went home.

- Oh, I was just
finishing up here.

- Finishing up what?

- It's dumb.

I was just sitting in his chair

looking at his picture,

wondering what it would be like

to be handsome and to
have women falling at my feet.

- You have your own kind
of handsomeness, Andrew.

- Sure, king of the geeks.

- Arnie would k*ll me if he knew

that I was showing this to you.

- Is this Arnie?

- A fat boy with glasses.

People change.

- Well, I'm a nerd at 18,
and I'll be a nerd at 30,

and I'll be a nerd at 60.

God.

Now you must think
I'm a total wimp.

- Not a wimp.

You are sweet and sensitive.

- Yeah. Well, that and
50 bucks is the only way

I'm ever going to get a woman.

- Is that all you
want, Andrew? Sex?

- No. I just want
somebody to love me.

- I know.

Some day, believe me,

some day when you're older,

there will be women who
appreciate a man like you.

Really.

You'll be fighting them off.

- Yeah.

I probably shouldn't say this.

Don't hate me for it,

but I think I love you.

- Andrew...
- No really.

- Whoops, sorry.

- Oh, excuse me, I gotta go.

- I told you, you're
playing with fire.

He's seriously in
love with you, Rox.

- He's just a boy.

- But his hormones
don't know that.

He's feeling very
real, adult emotions.

- Arnie, all he did
is fix my phones.

- The question is, are
you gonna fix his phones?

- Would you stop?

- You know, I was a young
boy like Andrew once,

low self esteem,
zits all over my face.

Christmas vacation
my family went to Hawaii

with the Bouchet family.

God, she was mesmerizing.

- Who?

- Mrs. Bouchet.

So elegant, so feline.

I'd do anything just
to be around her,

just to smell her perfume.

Just before the big hotel luau,

I ordered three Tom
Collins from room service,

and I chugged them
down just for the courage

to ask her to dance.

- She turned you down.

- She never had a chance.

Mr. Bouchet overheard
me asking her

and started to make fun
of me in front of my parents.

Most humiliating
moment of my life.

- What'd you do?
- I ran.

I hid out by the pool
on a chaise lounge

in the pitch black
nursing my first hangover.

God, I felt like the loneliest
person in the whole world.

- I know what that's like.

- Except suddenly,
there she was,

wearing this strapless
backless dress,

which I couldn't figure
out how it stayed up.

- I guess she had
come looking for me.

She sat on my chaise,
stroked my forehead,

and she asked me if I was okay,

and I couldn't
hold it in anymore.

I started to cry.

God, oh, I was so embarrassed,

but she said that was okay.

She said I shouldn't be.

She said I was very
sensitive and deep

and she said I
was a very old soul

and someday women would
appreciate a gentle man like me.

- What happened?

- Mrs. Bouchet held
me to her bosom

and she comforted me.

Hmm, just like you
were holding Andrew.

And that did it for the dress.

It just slithered down and
I guess I started getting

kind of grabby and
she took me hand

and she told me to slow down
and she showed me what to do.

And I started thinking,
my God, this is it.

This is it. I'm gonna get sex.

And then, like she
was reading my mind,

she whispers in my
ear and she says,

no Arnie, I'm going to
teach you all about love.

- You mean, right there?

- The next morning
I woke up in my bed.

At first I thought it must
have been a dream,

only I had these waffle
weave black and blue

marks all over my legs,

and my complexion
was totally cleared up.

- Did anyone every find out?

- Uh-unh.

After that one-night
she pretended like

it never happened,

but it was the most
wonderful thing

that ever happened to me.

- What a sweet story.

- Oh, boy, I gotta go.

Be gentle with him, okay?

- I mean, I thought
by this time tonight

we'd be halfway across
the desert with the top down

and the stars over our heads
and we'd have the whole weekend

to look forward to.

I mean, this is not exactly
what I had in mind, Kuzak.

First I do not see
you for days on end.

- It's not my fault.

- Then the first weekend in
months we have a chance

to spend some time together

and you get
yourself thrown in jail.

- It's not like I
planned this, Grace.

- I heard you goaded him.

- You know me better than that.

- Michael, ever since Sid
Hershberg k*lled himself,

I don't know if I know
you anymore at all.

- I don't know if I know
myself anymore at all.

- Talk to me, Michael.

- I went for a walk
during the lunch recess,

and I decided to compromise.

That I wouldn't use
the old lady's testimony

in my jury summation.

- So why didn't you?

- I don't know.

I got back into court,
I started to pick up

my direct examination
of the old lady.

I opened my mouth
to ask her a question

and Sid Hershberg came out.

- What?

- I know that this sounds nuts,

but he's in me, Grace.

He's inside of me, and
I'm trying to understand him

so that he doesn't take me over.

Does that make any sense?

- Oh, Mickey, I'm so sorry.

- No, it's okay.

It's not so bad in here really.

It sort of puts everything
in limbo for awhile.

It gives me a chance to
sort of see where I am.

- Yeah.

- I love you so much.

That's all I can be
sure about right now.

- Visiting hours
are over, Counselor.
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