01x06 - Evelyn Returns

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

♪ Here we are ♪

♪ Face-to-face ♪

♪ A couple of silver spoons ♪

♪ Hopin' to find ♪

♪ We're two of a kind ♪

♪ Makin' a go ♪

♪ Makin' it grow ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ Takin' the time each day ♪

♪ To learn all about ♪

♪ Those things
You just can't buy ♪

♪ Two silver spoons together ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ You and I together ♪

Hey, Dad, hurry up.

King Kong's
just coming on TV.

Great.

That's my favorite movie
with a monkey in it.

Here, sit down.
It's starting now.

[HONK]

Gotcha.

Cute. That's very cute.

You realize, of course,
this means w*r.

I'm gonna get you.

Excuse me.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Mom.

Richard.
How is my little man?

I'm fine.

I have missed you
so much.

Missed you, too.

Guess you got my letter,
huh?

I certainly did.

And when I read that
you had left m*llitary school

to live with
your father, I...

well, I shrieked.

And people do not shriek
in Switzerland.

No, they yodel.

Oh, how I've missed

that sweet, little,
sarcastic sense of humor.

I can't imagine
where you got it.

So, who does
your father's decorating?

Toys "R" Us?

Come on, Mom.
This is a great house.

Mom, I didn't mean
to hurt you.

I know you didn't.

But, Richard,
how did your father find you?

He didn't. I found him.

And he's great, Mom.

He's not like
you said he was.

He's not a Nerf ball on legs.

He's a real
down-to-earth guy.

Ooh-ooh-ooh.

Ooh-ooh-ooh...

Hello, Edward.

Excuse me.
Have you seen my father?

Well, um, would you tell him
that my mother's here?

And by the way,
get yourself a shave.

Kate, my ex-wife's
out there.

Evelyn?

That's one of the things
I used to call her, yeah.

I'm dying to see
what she looks like.

Never mind what she looks like.
Here, help me unzip this.

Not a bad-looking woman.

Are you kidding?
She's gorgeous.

Well, in a cold sort of way.

I've dreaded this day, Kate.

I'm sure Evelyn's here
to take Ricky back.

Somehow, some way

I've got to convince her
to let him stay.

Well, if anybody can do it,
you can.

You're right. I'm gonna be
nice and charming.

I'm gonna
go out there,

I'm just gonna
explain to Evelyn the situation,

and I'm gonna convince her
that Ricky belongs with me.

That'll work.

Grow up, Kate.
You know perfectly well

she's never gonna
let me keep him.

Take it easy, Edward.

You're right, you're right.
I gotta... I gotta be cool.

I got to be calm.
I got to be rational.

Get in the gorilla suit.

What?

Kate, a couple of
seconds ago,

Evelyn saw a gorilla
out there.

I don't know why,
but she assumed it was me.

Now she thinks
I'm a flake.

But if I go out there now,
and in a couple of minutes,

you come out
dressed in the gorilla suit,

she'll think
you're the flake.

Edward.

Come on, Kate. Please.

You're the only one
that can help me out on this.

Edward, I will wear
that thing.

Oh, great.

But I'm only doing it
because I care about you,

and I care about Ricky.

But once I get into this
gorilla suit,

I'm conducting myself
like a lady.

I brought you a present
from Switzerland.

You'll love it.

Isn't it cute?

Yeah.

I just have one question.

Now that I've got this,
what's Pinocchio wearing?

Why don't you try it on?
It's called lederhosen.

Later for the hosen, Mom.

Evelyn?

What a surprise.

Hello, Edward.
How are you?

Fine. Fine.
How are you?

Fine.

That's fine.

Ricky?

I'm fine.

Well, Evelyn,

it seems our honeymoon
wasn't a total loss.

We've got a pretty terrific
kid here, huh?

Yes, I do.

You know, I think
he's got my smile.

Oh?

I never thought his smile
was particularly goofy.

You mean you don't think
his nose is familiar?

Yes. I think
it looks like mine.

What about his eyes?

Mine.

He's male.

I will give you that.

Kate. Kate, this is...

[CLEARS THROAT]

This is my personal secretary--
Kate Summers.

Kate this is
my ex-wife Evelyn.

Evelyn, this is my personal
secretary-- Kate Summers.

Charmed.

Kate, that's perfect.
That's perfect.

The kids at the orphanage
will go crazy about that.

Thanks.

Oh, oh.
Kate, remind me about

the father-son
pancake breakfast on Sunday.

She's a gem.

Edward, it's been
such a long time.

Why don't you and I
have a private chat?

Hey, that's a great idea.

You guys
can have a few laughs,

toss around
some "remember whens."

Thank you, dear.

Okay. See you later.

Good night, Rick.

Good night.

Sleep well here.

And, son, don't forget
to brush your teeth,

wash behind your ears.

All those other fatherly things

I'm always telling you to do.

Okay, Dad.

Sweet dreams.

How dare you steal my son?

You want to talk
how dare yous?

I'll give you
a how dare you.

How dare you have my son

and for 12 years,
never tell me?

He was too young
to be that disappointed.

That was a low blow, Evelyn.

You're right.

It was.

You know, I haven't forgotten.

There was a time

when I was wildly
and madly in love with you.

And I felt the same way
about you.

You were charming
and romantic,

adventurous.

And you had great buns.

Had?

Our marriage was
really something, wasn't it?

Yeah.

Six unforgettable days.

I really wanted the marriage
to work, Edward,

but by Thursday,
I realized...

we were just
socially incompatible.

All because I didn't
want to interrupt our honeymoon

to go to a luncheon
with Charles de Gaulle.

Everybody who was anybody
was there.

There were 800
anybodies there.

Probably couldn't even
see de Gaulle

without
a pair of binoculars.

And you preferred to go on
a balloon ride.

I could probably
see de Gaulle

better than you could.

Oh, Evelyn...

I was never into
social climbing.

All I ever wanted
is to enjoy my life.

And what I'm enjoying most
right now...

is having my son here
with me.

Well, I'm sorry,

because he's not going to
be here with you any longer.

When I leave tonight,
he goes with me.

Why?

Because you're
a bad influence on Ricky.

Look around this room.

I will not have my son
raised by Bozo the Clown.

I am not Bozo the Clown.

[HONK]

Please, get his things together

and we'll leave.

Evelyn,
Ricky is not leaving.

I don't have time to argue.

I have a plane to catch,
and I want Ricky to come along.

I am his mother.
He belongs with me.

And I am his father,

and I have just as much
right to him as you.

Look, Edward,
I don't want to do this,

but I won't hesitate
to get a court order.

Fine. You get a court order,
and I'll get mine.

Fine.
Fine.

Hey,
how's everything going?

BOTH: Fine.

Leonard, you're my attorney.
Just give it to me straight.

What are my chances
of getting custody of Ricky?

Let me give you
the bottom line, Edward.

If you want custody of Ricky,

you're going to have to prove
that Evelyn's unfit.

Of course, she'll try to prove
you're unfit.

I can handle that.

Oh?

Let me give you an idea
of what you'd be in for.

You're on the stand,
and I'm Evelyn's lawyer, okay?

Okay.
Good.

Now, Mr. Stratton,

do you think a child
should attend school?

Certainly.

Then why did you take Ricky
out of school

a couple of weeks ago

to attend
a frog-jumping competition?

Well, Ricky raised Oscar
from a tadpole.

And you felt
that was sufficient reason?

We had ten bucks
riding on him.

Aha. So you were gambling.

Oh, come on, Leonard.
You were there, too.

You were holding
the bag of flies.

Irrelevant.

Mr. Stratton,

I have in my hand
a long list of women

you have been seen with
since your divorce.

Well, I've been divorced
for 12 years.

Man gets lonely.

Your Honor, cast your eyes
upon this wretch.

I submit he does not
have the right

to be within a hundred miles
of this child.

I think I speak
for the entire courtroom

when I say,
you, sir, make me sick.

That's it, Leonard.
You're fired.

Can't fire me.

I'm Evelyn's attorney.

And that's what
he's gonna do to you.

Well, then be my attorney

and use the same tactics
on Evelyn.

Great. Ricky
would just sit there

and watch the two of you
rip each other apart.

There's no such thing
as a half-hearted w*r

when it comes to
custody disputes.

No matter who wins,

the loser
is gonna be Ricky.

I love that boy, Leonard.

I know.

I feel like I...

I didn't have
any real purpose to my life

until he walked in that door.

He's the only person

who ever really needed me.

What am I gonna do
without him?

I'm sorry, Edward.

Dad?

Rick. Hey, hey.

Now, shouldn't you be
ready for bed?

I'm not sleepy.

Are you okay?

Sure. Sort of.

Not really. No.

Rick, we got a problem.

See...

your mom wants you
to go live with her.

Oh.

The thing is, I-I want to
stay here with you.

Thanks.

That means a lot to me.

And I want you
to live here with me, too,

more than anything
in the world.

See, the thing is,
you can't stay.

But why not?

Well, your-your mom's
getting a legal paper.

See, it's called a court order,

and that means that
she can take you with her.

But couldn't you
fight it in court?

Yeah.

But here's
what would happen.

My lawyer would say

a lot of mean things
about your mom.

And her lawyer would say

a lot of mean things about me.

I don't want that.

Neither do I.

So, see,
I-I think it's better

that you just go with her.

I'll miss you, Dad.

Well, I'll miss you, too.

But listen now. We're gonna
see each other, you know.

We're gonna have Thanksgiving
and Christmas

and Washington's birthday
and Lincoln's birthday.

Luke Skywalker's birthday.

Huh? All the big holidays.

Rick...

I'm still your dad,

and if you ever need me,
I'll be there.

Promise?

I promise.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Evelyn.

You got your
court order already, huh?

Leave it to you
to find a 24-hour judge.

No, I-I didn't get
the court order.

I thought about it,
and for Ricky's sake,

I'd like us
to work this out amicably.

I'd like that, too.

Rick, why don't you
excuse your mom and me

for a minute, okay?

Sure.

Evelyn...

Rick and I had a talk,
and we decided that

he's gonna go
and live with you.

Oh. Well,
that's marvelous.

I only have one condition.

I don't want you ever
putting my son

in any kind of
a boarding school again.

Agreed.

If we hurry, Ricky and I

can make the midnight flight
to London.

Yeah.

Rick, I'm gonna go
get your stuff.

Just put in a few things.
I'll send for the rest.

[DINGS]

[SNIFFLING]

Sure am gonna miss
this place.

Oh, darling, wait till you see
our new house in London.

I don't wanna go
to London.

Besides, do you know
how many traffic accidents

there are in London?

People are always driving on
the wrong side of the road.

There it is again--

that sweet, little,
sarcastic sense of humor.

Mom, what if I told you
I wanna stay with Dad?

Honey, that's all settled.
I think...

My dad needs me.

I need my dad.

Here we are.

Packed all the stuff
I thought you'd need.

Thanks.

Hey Rick, can I keep
your E.T. shirt?

It's the one I cried on
in the movies.

Sure, you can keep it.

Thanks.

I only packed
one of your purple socks, too.

Remember, we made a puppet
out of the other one?

Hello, Evelyn.

You look great.

Your shoe or mine?

Not now, Socky.

I guess we're not
gonna make it

to the father-son
pancake breakfast.

No. I'll tell you what.

You...

You have pancakes
on Sunday

for breakfast,

and I'll have pancakes
on Sunday for breakfast,

and we'll just
think about each other. Okay?

Okay.
Okay.

Dad, try and eat

at least
one green vegetable a day.

I'll try.

You can have my half
of the baseball-card collection.

Thanks, buddy.

You're welcome.

Woodman's handshake?

I love you, son.

[SNIFFLING]
Love you, too.

Please take
good care of him.

Edward,
while you were upstairs,

Ricky and I had a talk,

and we decided that
he should stay with you.

You mean it?

Yes. Yes, I do.

You mean I can stay?

You can stay.

Oh, I love you so much.

But I want to see you.

You are still my little man.

She can come anytime,
can't she, Dad?

Sure.

We got plenty of room.

Yeah.

She can even stay tonight.

BOTH: No.

But thanks, anyway.

I better be going.

Ricky...

I know I've said
a lot of bad things

about your father.

Some of them weren't true.

You two take care of
each other.

Evelyn...

thank you.

You're welcome.

And you still have
great buns.

So do you.

[EDWARD LAUGHS]

♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ Takin' the time each day ♪

♪ To learn all about ♪

♪ Those things
You just can't buy ♪

♪ Two silver spoons together ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ Together ♪