01x09 - Honor Thy Father

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

♪ Here we are ♪

♪ Face-to-face ♪

♪ A couple of silver spoons ♪

♪ Hopin' to find ♪

♪ We're two of a kind ♪

♪ Makin' a go ♪

♪ Makin' it grow ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ Takin' the time each day ♪

♪ To learn all about ♪

♪ Those things
You just can't buy ♪

♪ Two silver spoons together ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ You and I together ♪

Thanks, Derek.

Sorry, Rick. Forgot
you were carrying your bassoon.

Hey, no more cracks
about my bassoon. Okay?

Look, you're gonna be
playing that thing

in the school orchestra,
right?

And who's in the orchestra?

Wimps and their future wives.

That's not true.

Some of the kids
in the orchestra

are outstanding.

Well, Elliott Herpshaw
sure stands out.

What's wrong
with Elliott?

Rick, come on.
This is a guy

who wears black socks
in gym class.

A guy who uses
flesh-colored nose pads

so his glasses
won't fall off.

And worst of all...

Listen, I heard when Elliott
does a book report,

he actually reads the book.

So do I.

Really?

Yeah.

[CORK SQUEAKS]

Here. Call this number
right away.

What is it?

Wimps Anonymous.

[CHUCKLING] Edward,
why do you even bother

to look at
some of these submissions?

Kate, when I started
my toy company...

I vowed
I'd leave no toy unturned.

Besides, you never know

where the next great toy
is gonna come from, like, uh...

What the heck is this?

It's a Junior
Plastic Surgeon's Kit.

"Introduce your child

"to a future career
in cosmetic surgery,

"and give him
hours of fun, too,

"as he transforms

Betty Before..."

"into Angela After."

Noses, chins,
and silicone included.

Aha.

Next.

What's that?

This?
Yeah.

Oh, it's
a really strange one.

It's called
a yo-yo hat.

A yo-yo hat.

First, we put it on.

Mm-hmm.

And then
we wind up the yo-yo...

Hmm?
and...

[RICK PLAYS BASSOON BADLY]

What's that?

Sounds like somebody
choking a duck.

[HONKING]

I'll be back in a second.

[HONKING]

Rick! Rick!

You just sent music back
2,000 years.

Back to the days where people
really appreciated

an enormous talent like yours.

Hello, Mr. Stratton.

Hi, Derek.

Rick, what are you doing
with a bassoon?

I'm gonna play it
in the school orchestra.

Hey, that's terrific.

You'll be playing that thing
a lot, then, huh?

Yeah.

[SUSTAINED NOTE]

You know, a wonderful thing
about a bassoon is...

no matter where I am
in the entire house,

I'll still be able to hear it.

See, Derek?

I told you playing the bassoon
doesn't make you a wimp.

A wimp?

Uh, no. Rick,
I-I think you misunderstood me.

Uh, I personally
admire your son

for playing the bassoon.

And I'm outraged
by our small-minded friends

who ridicule him.

Well, good for you, Derek,
because playing an instrument

is a sign of strength,
not weakness.

And personally,
I'm very proud of Rick

that he has
a mind of his own.

I wish I'd said that.

Now, this man
is so wise.

You, sir,
are an inspiration to me.

Thank you. Thank you
for being alive.

So long, Mr. Stratton.

Bye, Derek.

Hey, hey, hey, Derek.

Yes, Richard.

Thanks a lot for
sticking up for me back there.

I'll do the same for you

when the classmates
make fun of your B.U.Y.N.

My B.U.Y.N.?

Yeah.
The Bassoon Up Your Nose.

No, no, no. Dad,
that's not the way you do it.

Let me show you how, okay?

[SUSTAINED OFF-KEY NOTE]

See?

No doubt about it,
you're a natural.

Hey, Dad, what's that?

Ah, that is a yo-yo hat.

Some dreamer

is hoping this'll replace
the hula hoop, I think.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Grandfather.

Richard.

So, you have acquired a pet?

As I approached,

I distinctly heard
a choking duck.

Edward.

Father.

What is that,
your thinking cap?

It's a yo-yo hat.

Obviously.

Edward, this
plastic surgeon's kit's

kind of fun.

You should see
what I did to... Betty...

Oh. Mr. Stratton, sir.

Don't mind me,
Miss Summers.

Just go on playing with
your dolls.

Father, what are you
doing here?

You mean, why have I
come to Romper Room?

[SNICKERS]

Sorry, Dad,
but he cracks me up.

Edward, do you have anything
in your calendar

for the evening of
the 27th?

I'm not sure.
Kate, would you check?

Oh, yes.
Uh, the 27th.

You have the charity auction
at the art museum.

Ah.
Cancel it.

What do you mean,
cancel it?

You can't just walk in here
and tell me to cancel my plans.

Send them a check.

You and Richard
are appearing that evening

at the testimonial dinner
of the Industrialist Foundation.

What's that?

That's a stupid
and boring dinner

where a bunch of
rich fat cats

sit around
and celebrate themselves.

What pompous stuffed shirt
are they honoring this year?

Me.

Congratulations.

What my dad
was really trying to say

is that these dinners
are usually boring, stupid,

but if you're the guy
they're honoring, then...

You're not buying this,
are you?

No sale.

However, contrary to
what your father's told you,

this is
a memorable occasion.

I am the recipient
of the Industrialist Foundation

Life Achievement Award.

Oh, you must be thrilled.

Delirious.

You know, I saw
a life-achievement award

on TV once.

I think they were giving it
to somebody...

somebody named Howdy Doody.

This is hardly
Howdy Doody time.

That reminds me.
Uh, I have to order some string.

Excuse me.

As a climax
to the occasion,

there will be
a slide presentation

outlining
the high points in my life.

Are they gonna show pictures
of you as a child?

I was never a child.

That's right, Rick.
My grandmother told me

he used to wear a bow tie
with his diapers.

Hah.

Sorry, but-
but he cracks me up, too.

Here.

What's this?

Speech
which you will deliver

with the slide presentation.

How thoughtful.

Yes, you will deliver it
as written

and refrain from ad-libbing.

"No matter how busy
my father was

"in pursuing
his momentous career,

he never stopped being
a devoted family man"?

Who wrote this,
Hans Christian Andersen?

You are not to criticize it.
You are to memorize it.

I haven't even said
that I would come yet.

It is the custom
for a member of the family

to deliver the award.

The dinner is at 7:30 sharp,
so on that day,

you will ride your choo-choo
a little earlier.

Father, you're not
listening to me.

If you want me to come to this
banquet with you, ask me.

Don't order me.
I've been fighting

your dictatorial attitude
toward me all my adult life.

What adult life?

That's it.
I can't talk to you.

So, what are you
going to do?

Stand there and hold your breath
till you turn blue?

Edward, I am not
going to beg you

to attend this banquet.

You don't have to beg me.

Would it be so hard to say,

"I would be pleased
and delighted

to have you with me
on this special occasion"?

I will not to stoop to
obsequious supplication.

And you stop being contumacious.

I am not being...

Contumacious, contum--
Is that with an "O" or an "A"?

"O."

You couldn't have
just said stubborn?

Edward, are you coming to
this banquet or are you not?

Father, I am not.

Grandfather,
wait a minute.

Every time you guys
see each other,

you wind up
at each other's throats.

Can't you
get it together?

Lost my head again.

Good day, Richard.

Oh, Grandfather,
wait a minute.

Come on, let's sit down
and talk about this.

What's the good?

You'll just say,
"He's your only son,"

and I'll say,
"Don't rub it in."

And you'll say,
"He's really trying,"

and I'll say,
"I certainly agree."

Then after that, you'll say,
"It's nobody's fault,"

and I'll say, "Poppycock,"

and I'll walk
right out of this room.

You can't be sure
I was gonna say those things.

What were you going to say?

Those things.

Richard, my boy,

I came here
with every good intention.

Your father
started to rant and rave.

He takes
every piddly opportunity

to blow his top.

He burns my butt.

Grandfather, he just wanted you
to ask him nicely.

He wants to know
that you care about him.

Can't you make
some kind of gesture?

Well, there is such a gesture,

but I reserve it
for truck drivers

who try to cut in on me
on the highway.

You do that?

Why not? I'm human.

You are?

Richard, since your father
has declined my invitation,

you will deliver this speech.

I expect you at 7:30,

properly attired.

I will send a limousine for you.

Grandfather,
don't leave like this.

I want you, me and my dad
to have a happy family.

Can't you just bend
a little?

Willows bend.

Noodles bend.

I never bend.

Hiya, Kate.

Wow. Ricky,
you look terrific.

Hey, thanks.
Kate, can you talk to my dad?

Grandfather wants him to go,
and so do I.

I know you can convince him.

EDWARD: Sorry, Rick.
It won't work.

Dad?

Dad, what are you doing
in there?

Well, I'm donating this

to the charity auction
tonight,

and I thought I'd see
what it felt like to wear it.

What does it feel like?

It'll never replace wool.

[SIGHS]

Dad, won't you go tonight?

Last chance.
Next banquet--200 miles.

[CHUCKLES]
No, son. You go ahead

and have a good time
and give a great speech.

Okay.

I just wish you weren't so...

so contumacious.

Edward, I don't know
what contumacious means,

but if you ask me, I think
you're being awfully stubborn.

Can't you just
forget the past?

You want to talk about
the past?

I'll show you the past.
Look at this.

This is a card
I made for my father

when I was just a kid.

"Happy Feather's Day"?

Well, I was only
six years old.

Anyway, he never got it.
He was off on a business trip.

He probably
wanted to be with you, Edward.

All I know, Kate,

is every time I had something
that was special to me,

he was always
too busy to be there.

Now, when he wants me
to be somewhere,

it's like
a command performance.

Well, hoo. He burns my butt.

Edward, if you
want things to change,

somebody's got to take
the first step.

Kate, if I went there,

I can tell you exactly
what would happen.

The minute I got there,
he'd start to criticize me,

then I'd lose my temper,
and the next thing you know,

we'd argue
in front of everybody,

and pretty soon,

the whole evening
would be a disaster.

Phil, let me borrow
your rope. Thanks.

Kate, take the end of this.

Now, see, it's like
a tug of w*r, Kate.

Pretend you're my father
and I'm me.

Okay, pull, Kate, pull.

Now, see, we're always
pulling against each other.

My father wants me
to be just like him,

and I want to be
my own man.

So look what happens
if I give in.

I lose.

Kate, I gotta keep
pulling against him.

I can't let my father win.

Uh, well, there is
another way to win.

What's that?
Just let go.

Aah.

[CLATTERING]

Oh.

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

[GLASS CLINKING]

May I have
your attention, please?

Our guest of honor tonight
is Edward Stratton II.

Although, uh, he's never
been second to anybody.

[LAUGHTER]

Well, it's customary
for a member of the family

to present
our Life Achievement Award.

So tonight,
I want to introduce to you

a young man
who, along with the award,

is going to present
a pictorial history

of the life
of his grandfather.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I give you
Master Richard Stratton.

Hello. It is--

Back straight.

It is indeed a privilege
to be here tonight

on such
a suspicious occasion.

Hey, by the way,

anybody know why the punk rocker
crossed the road?

'Cause he was stapled
to the chicken.

But seriously,

let's get down to
the slide show.

Ah. "The first step

"on the road to
the Stratton family fortune

"was taken by
Edward Stratton I,

who invented
the inner tube."

Banana head.

"While still a young man,

"my grandfather took over
his father's outdated factory,

"and converted it into

"the largest shipyard
in the world.

"This helped America
win World w*r II,

"and he was personally thanked
by President Truman

for saving democracy."

I guess if it hadn't been for
my grandfather,

we'd all be driving
Japanese cars now.

The text.
Stick to the text.

But seriously,

my grandfather's business
continued to bloom.

"He expanded
into-into lumber mills,

"aerospace,

"construction,

"and tacos."

"Not content with creating
an industrial empire,

"he became a philanthropist.

"In fact,
he's credited with creating

"the single most
important incentive

for charitable contributions--

the tax deduction."

"Still, no matter how busy
my grandfather was

"in pursuing
his momentous career,

"he never stopped being
a devoted family man."

EDWARD: Hello? Hello. Yo.

Dad?

Rick?

Ladies and gentlemen,
this is my father.

Dad, come out here.

Come out where?

Go around the side.

RICKY: Ladies and gentlemen,

Edward Stratton III
and my father.

See, he came after all.

There are times
when I wonder, "Why me?"

Ah, so-so there you have
Edward Stratton II...

Speak up.

So there you have
Edward Stratton II!

Back straight.

Father, please.

Oh, get on with it.

I want to say something
right now.

Uh-oh.

Something I've kept
bottled up inside of me

for a long, long time.
I'd like you all to know

how I feel about this man
as a father.

Edward.

Tonight,

I was going through some things
for a charity auction,

and I found a card
that I made for my father

when I was only
six years old.

My father never saw this

because he was off on
a business trip.

Seems all my life,
I've resented the fact

that my father was off
doing the very things

that you're honoring him
here for tonight.

I was hurt

'cause he didn't spend
more time with me.

You see, I wanted to spend
all my time with him.

But as is obvious
to all of you

and now finally... to me...

my father's time...

was well spent.

So...

I'd like to
present to my father,

Edward Stratton II,

this Life Achievement
Award...

along with the words
that I wrote to him

on that Father's Day
so long ago.

"Dear..."

"Father..."

"I am very, very proud
of you."

I want to thank you
one and all

for bestowing this award
upon me.

It is much appreciated

and long overdue.

I also want to answer

certain impromptu observations
made by my son.

First--you were late.

Second--Edward,

I am very, very glad

that you are
here with us tonight.

Wait, please.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please. Ladies...

Ladies and gentlemen,
please sit down

for the evening
is not over yet.

In honor of this occasion,
I have written a bassoon solo.

[PLAYS SUSTAINED
OFF-KEY NOTE]

[HONKING]

[♪♪♪]

[PLAYS OFF-KEY NOTE]

♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ Takin' the time each day ♪

♪ To learn all about ♪

♪ Those things
You just can't buy ♪

♪ Two silver spoons together ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ Together ♪