01x02 - The Ventriloquist

[bunniefuu]

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪♪ [theme]

[door closes]

Honey, I'll be out in
my office. I promised...

I promised Mr. Addison
he could... [sniffing]

look at the sketches tonight.

All right, dear.

- Wilbur?
- Yeah?

Don't be gone too long,
darling. There's a chill in the air.

[sniffing]

- New perfume, huh?
- Mm-hmm. Like it?

If you weren't my
wife, I'd kiss you.

Wilbur?

What did you buy, and
how much did it cost?

I'd better not tell me.
You'll say it's too expensive.

You're right. It's
too expensive.

- But, Wilbur, it's something
I really need.
- What is it?

Well, it's, uh...
It's... It's, uh...

No. If I told you, I'm
sure you'd turn me down.

Maybe I wouldn't.

- I'm sure you would.
- Well, ask me.

First, promise
me you'll say yes.

Oh, no.

That's how you
got me to marry you.

Look, let's not play
games. What is it you want?

Well, it's...
it's... it's, uh...

Oh, no. I just couldn't stand
it if you turned me down.

[phone rings]

- Wilbur?
- It's for you.

Thank you. Yeah?

I just figured out how we can
pay it off in 12 installments.

- Pay what off?
- Uh...

Oh, you'd just say no.

[click]

Oh, boy.

Women. Think we'll
ever understand them?

Don't try. Just enjoy 'em.

Oh, if only I knew
what my wife wanted.

And you... If you
were more cooperative,

I could afford to
get her anything.

How's that?

Well, if you would only talk to
everybody instead of only to me.

I mean, I could put you on
television, clean up a fortune.

Television? Not me.

I know Trigger.

He's a very mixed-up horse.

- What do you think
of these sketches?
- Not bad.

“Not bad”? [scoffs]

I put in plenty of night
work on these sketches.

When Addison sees these tomorrow,
that country club job is in the bag.

I still say the exterior
should be redwood,

not stucco.

He's my next-door neighbor.
How can he possibly turn me down?

Easy. He says no.

I know I could sell
Mr. Addison these plans

if only I could be with him
when he looked at them.

Why don't you take
him to lunch, hmm?

I don't know him that well.

I mean, I'd feel funny just inviting him in
out of the blue, you know what I mean?

Yeah. You're chicken.

- I don't know, Ed.
- Want me to dial?

No. Never mind.

Be subtle. Lead
up to that invitation.

I got it.

[phone rings]

Yes, dear. Uh, hello?

Oh, Mr. Addison?

- This is your neighbor,
Wilbur Post.
- Hello, Post.

I was wondering...

- Want to go for a walk?
- Would you like to go
for a walk?

A walk?

I'd look rather
conspicuous in my pajamas.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Were you sleeping?

Yes, until the phone rang.

- Invite him to lunch.
- How about lunch?

No, thank you. I
just had dinner.

I mean tomorrow, at the club.

You'll pay. You'll pay.

You'll pay. I mean...

- It's on me.
- It's on my horse.

I mean, I'll pay.

Mr. Addison, I've
finished those sketches.

I would like to discuss
them with you at lunch.

Very well, Post. 12:00 sharp.

Good night.

Weird fellow.

[woman] Doll?

Addison, doll?

They're having a flower
show at the civic auditorium.

[snoring]

Baby doll?

Cupcake?

I know you're
awake, you little faker.

I am not going to
any flower show.

I'm in my pajamas, and I'm
not stirring from this couch.

Flower show.

[snoring]

Hi. Where's Wilbur?

He's outside going over the
plans for the new club house.

Well, that's nice. My husband's
sleeping, yours is out working.

Well, that's what keeps
married couples together:

separate-ness.

Peg, I'd just love a second
television for our bedroom.

How would you get your
husband to buy you one?

- Easy. I'd show him
the sales slip.
- What?

That's the one thing my
husband understands.

You've got to be
forceful and aggressive.

But I didn't even have
the nerve to ask Wilbur.

You want to know the best time to
ask him? Right after a good meal.

- A good meal?
- Yes, there's only
one thing that works...

Stuff 'em in the morning
and skin 'em at night.

- I'm being serious.
- I mean it.

Oh, but my husband isn't easy.

I give him tomato juice,
he wants orange juice.

I give him orange juice,
he wants tomato juice.

What about pineapple juice?

I'd give him pineapple juice,
and he'd want papaya juice.

Well, find out what he
likes and give it to him,

if you want that television set.

Juice, dear?

Are we having
company for breakfast?

No, dear. What would you like?

Orange juice, pineapple
juice, grapefruit juice,

prune juice, vegetable juice,
papaya juice or sauerkraut juice?

Uh, I'd like orange juice.

2-minute eggs, 3-minute eggs,
4-minute eggs, fried eggs, scrambled eggs,

coddled eggs, poached
eggs, or sunny-side up?

No eggs Benedict?

I didn't have room on the tray.

What did you buy, and
how much did it cost?

Bacon, ham, link sausage,

breakfast steak, liver...

Look, Chef Milani, sit down.

Now, look, what
is this you want?

- Coffee, hot chocolate...
- Just a minute.

Look, I don't know what you want,
but whatever it is, we can't afford it

because this
breakfast cost more.

Honey, please.

What is it?

A television set
for the bedroom.

Is that... Is that what...

Is that all?

You know, for a minute,
you had me worried.

- You mean I can have it?
- No.

Honey, look, I just spent
a fortune on this house

and all this furniture
and all this food.

Oh, look, sweetie,
let's have a little smile.

Look, dear, I'll tell you what. I'm gonna
have lunch with Addison this afternoon.

If I can sell him on the club
house, I'll get you the set.

Oh, you're the most
wonderful husband in the world!

I'll get a big 24-inch
model with remote control,

and we can both watch the
late show through our toes.

Honey, Addison hasn't
seen the sketches yet,

and he's not an
easy man to sell.

Oh, his wife told me
how to handle him.

All you have to do is be
forceful and aggressive.

Forceful? Aggressive? Me?

Honey, if you want to make this
sale, you've got to be aggressive.

Be a pusher.

Oh, honey, let's face
it. I'm not a pusher.

More of a nudger.

Oh, honey, you can
do it. I know you can.

Yeah?

Yeah. Yeah.

I can.

I can be very forceful,

I can be aggressive.

Good.

Now, don't forget,
Wilbur: push, don't nudge.

[voice over phone
speaking rapidly]

- Ed!
- Whoops!

How many times
have I got to tell you

not to listen in
on the party line.

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

Who was that on the phone?

Mrs. Ferguson.

I heard her say she's
gonna have another baby.

- You mean she's expecting?
- “Expecting,” nothing.

She's sure.

You're out of feed. I'd
better get you some oats.

No, please. I'm
starting a diet today.

Diet?

- Eat like a horse,
look like a horse.
- Okay.

Unless you can find
me some low-cal hay.

All right.

Um, wish me luck with
Mr. Addison, will you?

- Uh, one word
of advice, Wilbur.
- What?

Be a pusher, not a nudger.

Right.

Where did you hear that?

I also listen in at windows.

Hi, Addison, old boy.
How's my favorite pigeon?

Hello, Robbins.

- We playing golf
again tomorrow?
- We'll see.

I sure loved separating
you from that 2 bucks today.

- You're the world's
worst loser.
- I am not.

You should see
yourself paying off a bet.

Your Adam's apple keeps
bobbing up and down.

That's not true. I know
how to lose gracefully.

Oh? Well, I'll give you
another chance to be graceful.

I'll bet you 2 bucks there's less
than 12 lumps of sugar in that bowl.

- Well?
- Oh, ho, ho!

How obvious can you
be? You've got it all set up.

I'll wager there are less than
12 lumps of sugar in that bowl.

Okay, it's a bet.

[man chuckling]

Someday I'm going to b*at you.

Oh, don't lose that attitude.

That's gonna send
my boy through school.

And now may I suggest
that you run along?

I'm having luncheon
with Wilbur Post.

Wilbur Post? You're not
having lunch with him.

I am. He's bringing over some
sketches for the new club house.

- Do you know him?
- Oh, very well.

Grew up with him. Went to
school with him. He's a real dud.

He doesn't have any get-up-and-go,
you know what I mean?

Between my wife at home and you at
the club, I get pushed around enough.

It'll be quite refreshing to meet
someone who is modest and unassuming.

Addison!

Hiya, Alan! Put her there, huh?

Hey, Harry. How's Mabel?

What do you say, Sam?
I'll talk to you over at the...

Oh, sorry.

Put it on my bill.
Give yourself a big tip.

What, are you on the
building committee?

Wilbur, why don't you
go home and sleep it off?

Drinking never solves anything.

Oh, funny, funny!
He's a load of laughs!

Well, thanks for
stopping by, Hal.

- And kiss Ruth for me.
- I married Selma.

Well, don't let her catch you
kissing Ruth. Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Uh, I'll be at your house
tonight for our gin game.

Eh. Ah!

Look, Mr. Addison,

wait till you get a
load of these sketches.

I don't want to brag, but I feel
there isn't an architect in town

who could... The big
window will be there.

Mr. Addison, I'm awfully sorry.

I'll get some water.
We can wipe it all off.

Ooh! Ooh!

Cheer up, honey.

Try to forget about
this afternoon.

It just taught me a lesson.

I'm never gonna try to
be anything that I'm not.

I've got to accept
that once and for all

I'm a 100%, 14-karat nudger.

Wilbur, I am not
going to sit here

and listen to you
tear yourself down.

I went through 2 years
of that with my folks.

I was always under the impression
that your folks sort of liked me.

Oh, they did... I mean, they do.

Uh, well, they will.

Oh, they're right. You
should never have married me.

Oh, no, honey.

Forget about Addison
and his old club house.

You don't need him. Why,
there are lots of men in this town

who appreciate your work.

You know, you're right.

You're right.

That Addison. He gets me so mad.

If he were to walk in here this very
minute and get down on his hands and knees

and beg me to do
that job, I'd do it.

Oh, honey.

It' so good to see
you laughing again.

Oh. Darling, it's only one job.

I know, but I
promised you a TV set.

Oh, forget about
the set. I can wait.

You said you needed it.

There's only one thing I need.

Hello there.

Oh, how I envy you two.

You know, Addison and
I used to kiss all the time.

Then we got married. Oh, well.

Did your husband tell you
what happened today at lunch?

Um, not too much. He
talked mostly about our house.

- Your house?
- He wants to sell it.

Oh, now, look,
kids. Stop worrying.

I've had a little talk with Addison, and
he's agreed to look at your sketches.

- Wonderful! I'll take them right over.
- No, you'd better let me.

He's wearing his
best shirt tonight.

Oh, Kay, we really
appreciate this.

Oh, Kay, you're such
a wonderful neighbor.

It means so much to
Wilbur... To both of us.

Well, don't get your hopes up.

I'll get Addison
to look at these,

but I can't guarantee
he'll give you the job.

- That's good enough for us.
- See you later, huh?

[rapid talking]

- Ed!
- Whoops.

You're gonna get me in trouble
with this eavesdropping habit of yours.

It's wrong to listen to other
people's conversations.

They're entitled
to their privacy.

- Why do you do that?
- Compulsion.

Besides, I didn't
expect to get caught.

Enough. It's the last
time I'm gonna tell you.

I hope so.

[chuckling]

What's so funny?

I heard about your
ketchup caper this afternoon.

- Where did you hear that?
- Happen to stroll by
Addison's window.

- What did he say about me?
- Sorry.

I don't use that
kind of language.

- Oh, Mr. Addison.
- Good evening, Mrs. Post.

- Do come in.
- Thank you.

I'm so glad to see
you. You're looking well.

- Is your husband home?
- Yes. I'll go get him.

Oh, Mr. Addison,

I'm terribly sorry about what
happened this afternoon.

Well, I assure you, Mrs.
Post, it is not a memory

that I will cherish
in my golden years.

Actually, it was all
my fault. You see,

I told Wilbur to be aggressive,
and I guess he over-diddled it a little.

- What?
- Over-diddled... doodled...

What I mean is that
Wilbur isn't like that at all.

He's really quite the opposite.

I'm sure. Anyway, I've looked
over your husband's sketches,

and I believe they
have possibilities.

Oh, that's wonderful!
He'll be so happy to hear it.

He's in the barn in his
workshop. I'll go get him.

Don't bother. I'll go and
talk to him personally.

- Good evening, Mrs. Post.
- Oh, Mr. Addison,

I'm so happy I
could just kiss you!

Please. Let's
not over-doodle it.

I wonder how Mrs. Addison's
making out with her husband.

Maybe I should drop over
there. You know, ring the bell

and pretend to
borrow a cup of sugar.

- How corny can you get?
- I shouldn't worry about her.

She's got her husband
completely buffaloed.

Buffaloed? She's
got him stampeded.

He's not bad, though.

No, not bad. Just stuffy.

He's got less personality
than a dead mackerel.

Actually, he's not such a bad...

Mr. Addison.

The-The-The horse.

[sputtering]

Mr. Addison, I don't
want to rush you,

but have you made any
decision on the plans?

But-But the horse.
I-I heard it... talking?

That wasn't the horse.
I'm a ventriloquist.

A ventriloquist?
That is remarkable.

You didn't even move a muscle.

Mr. Addison, would you
believe it if I were to tell you

the horse actually talks?

Why, of course not.

I've been a
ventriloquist for years.

Fantastic!

Let me see you do
that just once more

while I'm watching you closely.

I can talk while I
drink a glass of water.

Boy, there is more
to you than I thought.

I am amazed!

That makes two of us. Look,
Mr. Addison, about the plans...

We'll discuss this when
you drop by my house.

I'd like to have you
over there around 9:00.

- Fine, fine. I'll be there.
- Good.

[door closes]

“Ventriloquist.”

People will believe anything.

Why don't you acknowledge that
I'm a better gin player than you are.

I've beaten you
9 straight games.

Luck, that's all.
Just plain luck.

It's bound to change
sometime, and, oh, it has.

This is the best
hand I've had all night.

Hey, wait a minute. I only
have 9 cards. It's a mis-deal.

No! No, no, you don't.
Take another card.

My play.

Gin.

Look, at 50 cents a game,
that's $5 you owe me.

I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll toss
you a coin, double or nothing.

Oh, no. Oh, no. To
use your expression,

this pigeon has had it.

Besides, I'm
expecting Wilbur Post.

Wilbur Post? What
do you see in that dud?

Wilbur Post is a very
talented young man.

Well, I suppose he's
a fairly good architect.

- And a very amusing young man.
- “Amusing”?

Wilbur Post happens to
be a very fine ventriloquist.

Wilbur Post?

He's lucky to get words
out of his own mouth.

Robbins, how much did
you b*at me for today?

Well, $4 and this
5 makes 9. Why?

For once, I would like to
come out ahead of you.

Would you care to wager $10
that Wilbur Post is a ventriloquist?

Well, now I've heard everything.

Okay, if your Adam's
apple can stand it.

- [doorbell rings]
- You've got a bet.

Sure, little pigeon. Sure.

- Wilbur, my boy. Come in.
- Lovely evening, isn't it?

- Yeah.
- Hello, Hal.

Oh, hi, Wilbur. Say, Addison
thinks an awful lot of you.

Oh, he told you about
the plans, huh? Oh,

that new club house
is gonna look beautiful.

Never mind that now, Wilbur.
I was just telling Robbins

what a great
ventriloquist you are.

I am? Oh, well,

no, I wouldn't say I was great.

[chuckling]

Well, let's see what you can
do. Give us a demonstration.

Come on, Wilbur. Make your voice
come out of this Beethoven statue.

- Well, no...
- Come on. Come on, here.

Make your voice come out
right here. Come on, huh?

I've never performed
in front of the public.

Never mind the false modesty.

I've made a sizeable wager with
Robbins that you're a ventriloquist,

and I don't intend to lose it.

- Well, I...
- We're waiting, Post.

And if you expect to
do business with me,

we'd better hear a few
words from Beethoven.

I just remembered. I
left the shower running.

- I'd better call my wife. Excuse me.
- But...

[chuckling] You'll never learn.

Hello, Carol.
Look, I'm in a spot.

Call me right back and
tell me I'm needed at home.

Carol is out.

This is your answering service.

You and that ventriloquist
bit. You got me into a real jam.

If I can't make Addison's
Beethoven statue talk,

I'm gonna lose the contract.

I left the shower on, but
fortunately my wife is in it.

Come on, Post.

I've been waiting for years to
win just one bet from this man.

Now, come on. Throw your voice, won't
you, please? Just once? Once, please? Huh?

Mr. Addison, I must
tell you the truth.

- I'm not really
a ventriloquist.
- But I heard you.

If you've made some
kind of bet, I'll gladly pay it.

I saw you throw
your voice in the barn.

In the barn, I'm
a ventriloquist.

[chuckling] Come on,
fork over the 10 bucks.

Don't pay him. This
is Beethoven talking.

He did it! Did you hear him?

He did it! There! He did it!

I don't believe it. Do it again.

Yes, certainly.

Oh, uh, won't you...

won't you say something else
for the nice people, Beethoven?

Please, don't be so formal.

Call me Ludwig.

[laughing]

Well?

Oh!

He's lucky I can talk.

Ed, we did it. We did it!

I got the contract, and tomorrow I'm
gonna buy my wife the television set.

And all because of
you. You are wonderful.

That's fine.

Now do me a favor, will you?

Anything. What?

When you're watching television,

- don't turn on any of
those old Westerns.
- Oh? Why not?

I hate to see people
sitting on my friends.