01x04 - Kiddy Park

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mister Ed". Aired: January 5, 1961 – February 6, 1966.*
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A horse named Mister Ed shares his words of wisdom only with Wilbur, his hapless owner.
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01x04 - Kiddy Park

Post by bunniefuu »

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪♪ [theme]

[phone rings]

- Wilbur?
- It's for you.

Thanks, Ed. Hello?

Can you come in for a minute?
The vacuum cleaner's stuck.

Be right over, honey.
Oh, sweetheart,

give me a little
kiss. [kissing sound]

Sickening.

- Wilbur?
- Hi, Roger.




- Have you any plans
for the weekend?
- Just work. Why?

According to this fishing report, the
marlin are running wild at Ensenada.

They say they're practically
leaping into the boat.

Well, they must be using
Mexican jumping beans for bait.

What to you say? Tomorrow
morning we pack our fishing gear,

and in a few hours, we'll
be south of the border.

♪ La cucaracha La cucaracha ♪

- I'll tell Carol to get packed.
- No, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

This trip is for men only.

- Oh, you mean you want to leave
Kay and Carol at home?
- Exactly.

We don't need our wives. We'll
have the marlin. And they talk less.

- The trouble with you is
you're henpecked.
- I am not!

I wear the pants in my family.

That's the spirit. And be firm.




Right. See you later, Roger.

♪ La cucaracha La cucaracha ♪

♪♪ [vocalizing]

- Ed.
- Huh?

Ed, I can't take you with us.

You heard Mr. Addison.
This trip is for men only.

What do I look like? A girl?

Ed, it's impossible.

You're leaving me
alone on my birthday?

- Your birthday?
- Yep.

Seven years ago, that old vet

slapped me on the back
and said to my father,

“Congratulations. It's a boy.”

Seven years old, huh? Hmm.

You know, you don't look
more than... 5 and a half.

I try to stay in shape.

What time do we leave?

Look, Ed, we'll discuss it
later. Carol's waiting for me.

- Wilbur...
- Yeah?

Be firm. Just us men.

♪ La cucaracha La cucaracha ♪

Carol, I had a talk
with Roger Addison.

Honey, when you get that out,
will you please put this extension in?

- I have to vacuum those drapes.
- Yes.

- He showed me this
newspaper article.
- You got it loose yet?

Oh, no, no.

It's a very exciting article.

They're leaping into
the boat at Ensenada.

- The marlin, I mean.
- What?

Marlin. Honey, will
you please listen to me?

Why, yes, dear. What is it?

Well, the...

- Yes?
- Uh... Can I help you
with the drapes?

Oh, you're so sweet.

You know, honey, I... I've
been working pretty hard lately,

and I thought, you know,

it isn't good for a fellow...
All work and no play.

And I thought perhaps
maybe... Be careful!

As I said, I've been
working kind of hard lately...

- I'll get the hammer
so you can fix the rod.
- I thought perhaps...

Hello, operator?

Would you please test my phone?

Yes. Will you ring...

will you ring STATE-1-1781?

Right away. Thank
you. Thank you.

Here, dear.

Oh, thank you.

Now, what were you saying, dear?

Who, me? I wasn't
saying anything.

- [phone rings]
- I'll get it, honey!

Hello?

Hello?

Oh, yes, Roger.

It's Roger Addison.

Oh, Roger. What? Three days?

Ensenada? Oh, sure.
I love to go fishing.

Just us men, huh?

Well, I don't know, Roger.

I hate to leave Carol alone.

Oh, no. You're
wrong about Carol.

If I were to ask Carol, I know
she'd let me go in a minute.

Yeah? They're leaping
into the boat, huh?

Hello, Roger.
Well, I'll talk to Car...

Wilbur, who are you talking to?

Must've been
some practical joker.

Well, he certainly
sounded like you.

I guess he has a twin
brother. Have you?

Carol, I'm leaving tomorrow
morning on a 3-day fishing trip.

Your husband would like to accompany
me, but he hasn't the nerve to ask you.

Well, for heaven's
sake. Is that all?

Honey, of course you can go.

- You'd let me go alone?
- If you'd like to.

But I'll miss you.

Well, it was your idea.

You didn't say you
wanted to go along.

- You never asked me.
- You could've suggested it.

But I thought you wanted
to go alone with Roger.

Look, Carol, I did not marry
you to go on trips with this man.

Wilbur, don't raise
your voice to me.

Carol, you're fighting me.
Your place is with your husband.

But, dear...

Legally, you haven't
got a leg to stand on.

Wherever the husband goes,
the wife has to go. Right, Roger?

You tell him.

Oh, here's my
darling breadwinner.

Addison, would you
mind driving me to...

Kay, guess what? The boys want
us to go along with them to Ensenada.

No!

Why, Addison, doll, whatever
made you change your mind?

It seems it's illegal for a
husband to catch a fish

unless accompanied by his wife.

Ensenada. What a lovely idea.

Honey, we'd better
start shopping right away.

We've got no time to lose.

Right. I've got a
million things to do.

Wilbur, you'd better find a place for
Mister Ed to stay while we're gone.

What do you mean?

Since you're not married
to the horse, I don't believe

you're legally obligated
to include him on the trip.

Well, I thought we could hitch a trailer
to the car and take him along with us.

Well, good thinking.
Then if you boys get tired,

the horse can take
his turn at the wheel.

Darling we can
put him in a stable.

Put Mister Ed in a stable?

He's too big for a kennel.

Darling, don't look so worried.
There must be a good place around.

Yeah, but I mean, it
would break his heart.

Tomorrow's his birthday.

His birth... His birthday?
How do you know?

Well, he...

I think it said so
on his papers.

So it's his birthday.

You could send him a singing
telegram from Ensenada.

Let's go, Carol. Those
dress racks are calling.

Darling, would you mind putting
away those things and fixing the drapes?

Kay, I just hate
to shop in a hurry.

What's the difference?
Buy now, return later.

Listen, it'll only take me a minute
to change. Come on up with me.

All right, dear. Say, I hear the
water's very warm in Ensenada.

Ed, you'd better sit down.

Uh-oh. Here comes the snow job.

Ed, I can't take you along.

That's nice.

You'll be having
a ball in Mexico

while I stand around here

twiddling my hoofs.

Ed, I'm not gonna
leave you alone.

What are you gonna do?

Get me a horse-sitter?

Be sensible. What
fun would a horse have

sitting around
watching people fish?

What fun do people
have watching horses run?

Well, you're such a great talker. Why
don't you talk to Carol about coming along?

Try her again, will you?

All right.

As soon as she gets
back from shopping.

Muchas gracias, amigo.

♪♪ [humming “La Cucaracha”]

Uh-oh.

I just bought this one
dress. All these are Kay's.

Yes, and that's just what I could
carry. The rest I'm having delivered.

- Kay, you'd better rush
back to the store.
- Why?

You forgot to get snowshoes
in case there's a blizzard.

No fooling. What are you
gonna do with all these?

No problem. I'm running
a sale on Monday.

Kay, I think I'll wear the brown
belt with this. What do you think?

Mm, maybe.

- I'm worried about leaving Ed.
- Oh, he'll be fine.

It would break your
heart to see Ed.

He feels terrible
about being left behind.

That's silly. You're
just imagining things.

Why, whoever heard of taking
a horse along on a fishing trip?

Carol, Ed wouldn't
be any trouble.

Wilbur, I'm beginning to think
you're using Mister Ed as an excuse.

- “Excuse”?
- To make me stay at home.

[sobs] Why, you're...

you're sorry you asked
me to come along.

- Why didn't you say so?
- Carol...

Oh, well.

There's no sense in
watching you two fight.

I may as well go
home and start my own.

You know, Ed, I've been
thinking about Mexico,

and, uh, with this
change of climate,

you're gonna feel really logy.

Then there's the difference
in the food, you know?

The water and the altitude.

Maybe you should reconsider.

I can see the
handwriting on the wall.

Look, Ed, I tried,

but Carol just doesn't
want you to come along.

Okay. Leave me
alone on my birthday.

Ed, pull yourself together.

It's only for 3 days.

Besides, Carol started
to cry. When I see tears,

I just can't say no.

[Ed sniffles]

Ed, don't!

[sniffling]

Okay, Ed. You're going.

[sniffling continues]

Anything she can
do, I can do better.

We can pick up some
new handbags in Ensenada.

Mm-hmm. That's right Oh, sure.

All right. Uh-huh.

Mm-hmm.

Yes, dear? Just a minute, Kay.

Honey, I was just out in the
barn, and if you could see Ed,

it tears your heart out.

No, don't cry. He's gonna stay.

[Carol] He wanted to take
that horse to Ensenada again.

[Kay] Oh, these men will
try to get away with anything.

[Carol] I guess I'll
just have to cry again.

So, I got the a* again, huh?

I have asked you not
to listen in on that phone.

You don't like me.

Oh, stop saying that.

I might as well go to work

in a... a... kiddie park.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Those kids will
ride me, kick me,

b*at me, but what do you care?

Ed, be reasonable. If I have
to pick between you and Carol,

you know what my
decision has to be.

Yep.

Just break it to her gently.

Ed, I'm gonna have to board
you in a stable for a few days.

Do anything you want.

I don't care.

[sniffling]

Oh, now I don't know what to do.

- Can I help you?
- Yes, my name is Post.

I phoned Mr. Kramer about
boarding my horse here.

I'm Mr. Kramer. How long
do you want to leave him?

Well...

Well, um,

[low voice] I'd like to
leave him here for 3 days.

[low voice] All right. I
think we can arrange that.

- I'll pick him up Sunday night.
- What time Sunday...

- What are we whispering about?
- Shh!

My horse feels terrible
about coming here.

This is his first time
away from home.

Don't let it worry you. We've got
some horses been here for months.

No!

I'd like to leave him
here for just 3 days.

- 3 short days.
- Has he been fed?

No, he's on a
hunger strike today.

Just leave the horse
here. We'll take care of him.

Come on, Ed.
It's only for 3 days.

[sniffling]

Come on, Ed.

Post, we've got more stuff in here than
you can get in the average freight car.

Most of your wife's.

Wilbur, do you mind

if I sit in the car with
the rest of the group?

Can't have you blocking
the license plate, can we?

I told the girls we wouldn't
have room for all these suitcases.

I didn't think we'd be
able to squeeze it all in.

Well, this is it.

Sweetie, don't forget
to close the door.

Can you fit these in, dear?

Look, if I squeeze all that stuff in, I'll
have to drive from the glove compartment.

Ladies, we're only going
away for the weekend.

We're not fleeing the country.

Is it our fault you men don't
know how to pack a car?

Do you girls have
any suggestions?

I have. Here. Put all this
stuff in the back seat, Wilbur.

There you go. Now, Addison,
you take the rest of the bags.

Carol, dear, look out so
Wilbur can get them in there.

- There you go.
- In back?

Yes, in the back seat, please.

Oh, there's plenty
of room in there.

Now, then, Wilbur, you can get

right into the driver's
seat just as easy as pie.

Here you go.

Do you really think
this is going to work?

Why, certainly. I've
done it a million times.

Get right in next to Wilbur. No sense
making a mountain out of a molehill.

See? Plenty of room.

There. You see,
dear? Nothing to it.

I'll just stand here and
wave as you drive away.

Oh, I'm sorry, dear.
Come on. Get in.

Now, squeeze over, everybody.

There now. We've
got lots of room.

Oh, Wilbur!

I know. That new
bag in the back can go.

Wait a minute. You picked on
the one valise containing my things.

Well, it only has
fishing clothes in it.

Can't you catch
fish in your slacks?

Yes. Or we can go fishing at night
and catch them in our pajamas.

- I have the perfect solution.
- What?

Send the bags to
Ensenada, and we'll stay here.

Come on. Let's be sensible.
We've got too much stuff in this car.

This stuff can go. This stuff.

This radio can go. This bag.

- That stays.
- [phone rings]

- That's our phone, honey.
- Where did you pack it?

Never mind. I'll get it.

Let's compromise. Supposing we
leave just a couple of things behind?

Right. Two wives.

Hello.

- Mr. Post?
- Yes?

I've got some bad news.
Your horse is missing.

Missing? What happened?

I think he's been stolen.
Just before he disappeared,

I heard a voice in his stall.

I don't know. Something
about a kiddie park.

I didn't see anybody.
That's what makes it peculiar.

He told me he'd run
off to a kiddie park.

Addison, have you
seen my little black bag?

[all chattering]

I'm going to the kiddie park!

Well, that's one way to
settle the packing problem.

- Did he say “kiddie park”?
- That's what he said.

Like they say, men
are little boys at heart.

♪♪ [calliope]

Ed! Ed, it's me!

Hmph!

Hold it, Mac. You
can't go out there.

That's my horse. He
ran away from home.

- What are you talking about?
- He's mine. Don't believe
what he tells you.

Wait a minute.

That horse has been
here ever since I came to...

Who told me?

Excuse me. I'll be
back in a minute.

- You looking for trouble, Mac?
- I got to get out there.

Only riders are allowed
out on the track, see?

How much for a ride?

15 cents. 4 for a half.

Wait a minute. I get it.

This is a hidden camera show.

We're on TV, right?

Where's the camera?

Where'd you hide it?

Boy, you had me
fooled for a minute.

Where's the camera? Hiya, honey.

Hiya, Davey boy. This is Daddy.

Where'd you hide the
microphone? Under your lapel?

4 rides on that pony, please.

Oh, I beg your pardon, madam.
That's my pony. I was here first.

Wait a minute, mister.
I was here before you.

No, no, you see, I was talking to
the ticket taker when you came up.

Well, you ought to have
numbers, like in the butcher shop.

- How long is your child
going to ride?
- Excuse me.

Are you gonna ride that pony?

Just for a minute. I
only bought one ticket.

What's the matter, mister? A
big man like you riding a pony?

You ought to be ashamed
of yourself, you big...

Madam, please.
You're on television.

- Television?
- Hidden camera.

No! [chuckles]
Where's the camera?

Oh, this is exciting!

Are they going to
give away prizes?

Hello? Mother, are you watching?

Oh, I have to clean you
up! We're on television!

Say hello to Grandma!

Come on. Faster.
Catch that big horse.

Come on, let's go! Come on!

Whoa. Ed.

Ed, you shouldn't have run away.

Get away from me,
boy. You bug me.

Listen, Ed, you know I tried to
get Carol to change her mind.

I wouldn't go now
if you begged me.

Where does he want you to go?

- Ensenada.
- Oh.

I thought you didn't talk
in front of anybody but me.

How come you talked to the kid?

Who believes kids anyway?

Follow that big horse!

Come on. Let's go!
Come on. Let's go!

Come on. Let's go!
Hurry up! Come on!

Ed! Giddap! Giddap! Giddap!

Come on, come on, come on! Ed.

Ed, will you
please listen to me?

Ed, you win.

You are going to Ensenada, okay?

Will you put that in writing?

My solemn word, Ed.

Feh!

Ed, where's Ensenada?

- Mexico.
- Oh?

Are you coming home now, Ed?

Si, senor.

Check.

♪♪ [humming]

Well, darling, did
you have a good time?

Mommy, that horse talks.

- What?
- He said he didn't want
to go to Mexico.

- The horse said that?
- Uh-huh.

Children. Where do they
get those imaginations?

Wilbur!

Carol!

Remember... Ensenada.

- What's Mister Ed doing here?
- He ran away.

Don't tell me he wanted to visit
his relatives on the merry-go-round.

By the time we get to Mexico,
our clothes will be out of style.

You'd better take Mister
Ed back to the stable, honey.

Carol, Ed is going with us.

And if you feel like crying,

be my guest.

All right, honey. You win.

Excuse us.

Back to the car.

Now, are you all
comfy back there?

[horn honks]

Hurry, Wilbur.

Just a minute, dear.

Happy birthday, Ed.

Thanks, amigo. Thanks.

Now, make a wish and
blow out the candles.

♪♪ [theme]
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