01x15 - Ed's New Shoes

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mister Ed". Aired: January 5, 1961 – February 6, 1966.*
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A horse named Mister Ed shares his words of wisdom only with Wilbur, his hapless owner.
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01x15 - Ed's New Shoes

Post by bunniefuu »

[whinnies]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

Honey, I got wonderful news.

Carol, honey!

Wilbur, I'm down here.

Honey, I got
wonderful news for you,

but you got to promise
me you won't get excited.

All right. What is it?

Yeah, well, first promise me.

All right, I promise.
What's the news?

Well, you better sit down
so you don't get excited.

What is it?

- Well, sit down.
- I'm sitting down.

Yeah, I think you'll be excited.

Well, last month I was at
the architects' convention,

- and I met the editor
of Home Beautiful magazine.
- Yes?

And he's sending a
photographer over here

to take pictures of our house.

Oh, how nice.

And she'll be here tomorrow.

Oh, well, let's see.
I'll... Tomorrow?

I knew you'd get excited.

Look at the house.
Just look at it.

Oh, how could you do this to me?

Why didn't you
tell me yesterday?

I just found out today.

That's a pretty poor excuse.

Oh, I'll never have the time.

Who are you calling?

The cleaning girl.

You had the house
cleaned yesterday.

Look at it. It's all dusty.

Honey, she's coming over here
with a camera, not a microscope.

Ooh.

Look, I thought this
would make you happy,

but, I mean, if it's going
to upset you like this,

we can call the whole thing off.

Oh, but, honey,
look at these drapes.

You were supposed
to fix the rod last week.

You better get up
there and fix it now.

Oh, and we're supposed
to mend the fence

and fix the faucet
and mow the lawn...

♪ And tote that barge
and lift that bale ♪

Honey.

Let's see now.
Oh, we'll... Wilbur!

You're standing
on my best chair.

Well, I'm using my best feet.

Honey, please, relax.

Come on over here. Sit down.

This woman is going
to come over here

and take pictures of the
house, not condemn it.

But we've got so much to do.

I'll do it this afternoon.

This afternoon? Why
can't you do it now?

Well, I was planning on
buying Ed some new shoes.

Well, if your horse is
more important than me,

Wilbur Post...

Put down that hammer,
woman. He owes me money.

I hope we're not interrupting
anything homicidal.

Kay, guess what?

Home Beautiful is taking
pictures of our house tomorrow.

How marvelous!

I'll buy a new dress.

A new dress? What for?

Well, I'm sure
our dear neighbors

will want us in the
pictures, won't you darlings?

Of course. We'll go
shopping right after lunch.

And thanks for inviting us.

Oh, you're welcome.

Honey, why don't you go
shopping with Kay, huh?

And don't worry. I'll
get everything done.

Honey, maybe we should
invite the photographer

to lunch tomorrow.

Well, I'll fix up a barbecue.

I better get started
on the fence.

Why don't you buy yourself
something real expensive, huh?

[laughs]

Okay, Mr. Kramer.

I'll have the horse
over in half an hour.

Ed, I'm sorry. I haven't got
time to buy you those new shoes.

But I just made an
appointment for a fitting.

Maybe next week.

Next week?

My shoes are worn
down to the edge.

Look at them.

Oh, they're not too bad.

I'm practically
walking on my toes.

Ed, I got things to do.

What am I? A horse
or a ballet dancer?

You've been
bothering me all week.

What is all this fuss

about getting a
new pair of shoes?

Well, you know that
little chestnut filly

that we meet every Sunday
when we go riding in the park?

The one that wears
her tail in the up-sweep?

Yeah.

Well, I kind of go for her.

Hey, you're blushing.

Wilbur, it's spring.

So that's why you
want new shoes.

[laughs]

Well, I'm afraid it's
going to have to wait, Ed.

You see, I'm going
to be very busy today.

There's a woman coming over
from Home Beautiful magazine

to take pictures of
the house and all of us.

- Uh, me too?
- You too.

With holes in my shoes?

Now I know why they
call horses "nags".

Temper, temper, temper.

What can be keeping the girls?

Oh, relax, Roger. They've
only been gone a half an hour.

How much money could
Kay spend in that time?

How much is the national debt?

I don't blame her.

She's just wanting
to look her best

for those magazine
sh*ts tomorrow.

All this fuss over a
silly little magazine.

Little?

You know, millions of people
will be seeing your picture.

Million?

The magazine has
a national circulation.

Millions, huh?

Well, haven't you seen
it down at the golf club?

Yeah, now that you mention it.

Uh, Wilbur, not
that I'm interested,

but what suit do you plan to
wear for the pictures tomorrow?

I wouldn't want us to clash.

It's just an informal barbecue.

Why don't you wear
something simple?

Like a tuxedo.

[Ed laughs]

Wilbur, if millions of
people are going to see us,

the least we can do
is try to look our best.

Oh, I forgot. You have
an obligation to your public.

For your information,

my wife has told me many times

that I bear a distinct
resemblance to Cary Grant.

Did she say Cary or Ulysses?

Hardy-har-har.

Hardy-har-har-har-har.

Ah, millions, huh?

Will you stop playing
carpenter and think of me?

My feet are k*lling me.

Oh, these bunions.

What's the matter?
Can't you hear me?

I must be imagining things.

Horses can't talk.

I'm not talking. I'm begging.

Please get me new shoes.

Funny, I hear voices
but there's no one there.

Come on. If you were in
love with a little chestnut filly,

I'd buy you shoes.

Okay. Oh, Ed. You win.

Ah.

But look, we've got to
get back before Carol.

So far I haven't
fixed the faucet,

mended the drapery
rod, anything.

Oh, bless you, Wilbur.

And if it works out, we'll
name our first colt after you.

Wilbur Colt. That's cute.

Yeah.

[whistling]

Tornado, how are
you this morning?

You bad little boy, you
didn't finish your breakfast.

You need energy.

Now if a big, fat
gentleman rides you today,

you will fall down.

Excuse me.

Is Mr. Kramer around?

Yes, he was, but what's
the matter with your horse?

He claims he needs new shoes.

What?

Oh, I mean, he's been limping.

Oh.

What's his name?

Ed, Mr. Ed.

Mr. Ed.

Well, there's nothing
wrong with this shoe.

What does he know?

What did you say?

Uh, I didn't say anything.

And this one is all right.

His shoes are all fine.

They are good for
another 500 miles.

You would just be
wasting your money

if you buy new
shoes for this horse.

Why don't you do what
you're supposed to be doing?

I asked you to
clean the windows.

Customer wants horse
shoes, and you talk him out of it.

Excuse me, Mr. Kramer

No, no, Mr. Kramer is right.

I am just a goof-up.

You're a good man, Axel, but
I'm going to have to let you go.

Yes, sir. Thank you.

Gee, I feel responsible for...

No, no, please, mister.

Don't feel too bad.

Everybody fires me.

Mr. Kramer, if I were to buy
new shoes for my horse...

No, no, he don't need them.

If Mr. Kramer sold you
new shoes for this horse,

he would be stealing your money.

Uh, uh, excuse
me. I'll pack my bag.

Well, I guess we don't
need anything today.

Just barn shopping.

Good-bye, Brownie.
You be a good boy.

Yinyer. Good-bye Yinyer.

Good-bye, Rosebell.

Oh, Tornado.

Tornado, don't
you skip breakfasts.

You will get headaches.

Look, I'm sorry
about what happened.

Everything is for the best.

But what are you
going to do now?

Oh, I find something.
I'm a yak of all trades.

A plumber, electrickian.

Gardener, painter, carpenter.

I bet you couldn't name
one job I ain't been fired from.

Say, my wife has been after me

to do a lot of things
around the house.

The job is yours if you want it.

Why, thank you, but
you're making a mistake.

No, I'm not. I mean,
I need a handyman.

Electrickian and all that.

You can sleep in our office.

Thank you, but you have
to promise me one thing.

What?

When you fire me,
don't feel too bad about it.

A million things to do

and Wilbur is out
somewhere with that horse.

I knew it. I just knew it.

I knew he'd never
get to fix these drapes.

Well, how does it look?

It hangs like a potato sack.

Well, then why did
you let me buy it?

Oh, I'm sorry, Kay.

I was talking about the drapes.

That dress is beautiful.

Oh, I think it's a steal at $85.

It certainly is.

- Hello, Carol.
- Hi, Roger.

Another new dress?

How much did you
pay for this one?

22.50.

You got gypped again.

What?

It hangs like a potato sack.

I know, that's why I'm
up here trying to fix it.

Will somebody please tell
me what we're talking about?

The photographer
is coming tomorrow,

and my husband is out
buying his horse shoes.

- Kay?
- Hmm?

You think I should wear my
red silk cummerbund tomorrow?

Good idea.

But, uh, leave
your sword at home.

So long, Carol. See you later.

Bye-bye.

I'm going home and
sharpening my sword.

Wilbur.

Where have you been?

I can't do everything
around here.

Now, honey, take it easy.

We can't discuss this
over a hot hammer.

Oh, Wilbur.

Honey, your troubles are over.

I've just hired a handyman

to do all the work
around the house.

Oh.

Axel!

Thank heavens. We
can certainly use him.

Oh, he's terrific.
He can do anything.

This is a beautiful house.

By yiminy.

[clears throat]

Honey, this is Axel.

Axel, this is Mrs. Post.

It's a pleasure, Mrs. Post.

Oh, hello.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, well, it's 3 o'clock,

and I'm ready to go to work.

[watch chiming]

Right on the nose.

But I'm not charging you
for any work I do today.

What an interesting watch.

Well, thank you.
It's 14 karats gold.

It belonged to my
grandfather in Sweden.

Yes, it is a good watch.
It never lies to me.

[watch chimes]

Well, sometimes.

[all laugh]

Well, honey. What do
you want Axel to do first?

Well, you can start by
fixing that rod over there.

It's loose. I'll get the list of
other things that have to be done.

I will be very happy to do that.

Your wife is a beautiful
woman, Mr. Post.

Well, thank you, Axel.

Uh, you know, this rod is old.

You really need a new one.

Yeah, they-they make
them now all in one piece.

The don't even...

They're expensive,
too, aren't they?

[hammering]

Ah, Axel, you're getter better.

You've got that nail half-way
in without hitting your finger.

Mr. Post, I'm all thumbs
from head to foot.

Oh, no, you're not.

[chuckles] Well, thank you.

Aw.

I'm always having
trouble with hammers.

Look, you think you could
start a fire in the barbecue?

That I can do.

I'll have a beautiful
fire burning in a yiffy.

Axel... Thank you.

Hey, Wilbur.

With hands like that,

he should've been
a brain surgeon.

[Axel] Yumping jiminy!

Axel, what-what happened?

Well, the bag of charcoal was
on the ground the wrong way.

And I picked it up like this...

This is brutal.

Axel, you-you
better get a broom.

Yes, sir.

It's in the kitchen.

Thank you.

Psst.

Psst.

I still say, "Fire the bum."

Yeah, that wouldn't be right.

The poor fellow needs help.

He thinks he's a failure.

He's got my vote.

You are just
prejudiced against Axel.

Well, naturally.

I've got a date with that
beautiful chestnut filly,

and here I am with
holes in my shoes.

Oh, shine them up.
They'll be as good as new.

Ah.

I'll clean it up, Mr. Post.

Ah, fine.

Uh, what... What
happened to the broom?

Well, I...

I was taking it out
of your broom closet

and the handle got yammed.

But you don't need to worry.

I fix the door later.

I wasn't worried. I just...

What door?

Well, uh, the one that
came off the hinges.

Oh, great.

I better fix it before
Carol finds out.

Are you sure you can
start the fire yourself?

Yes, sir.

That I can do.

I hope we got my barn insured.

Wilbur!

The house looks beautiful.

Just beautiful.

[Wilbur] Hi, Kay.

[Kay] Hi, Wilbur.

Hello. Don't I look gorgeous?

You certainly do, Loretta.

Today Home Beautiful,
tomorrow Playboy.

Middle page, of course.

Of course.

And, Kay, you will let the woman

take some pictures
of my furniture?

Of course, darling.

Don't be surprised
if I'm sitting on it.

Where's Roger?

- Beau Brummell?
- What?

He's waxed his
mustache so many times

he looks like a
candle with two wicks.

The woman will be
here any moment now.

Oh, I think that chair would
look better nearer the window.

Wilbur!

Coming.

Axel, maybe you better
let me start the fire, huh?

Please, no. You'll get
that nice suit all dirty.

Well, don't be afraid
to use lots of charcoal.

Yeah.

And, uh, you know how

to start it with the
lighter fluid, huh?

Yes, sir.

[Carol] Wilbur?

Yes?

[whistling]

Yeah?

Don't you think this chair

would look better
nearer the window?

Honey, the house
is lovely. It's perfect.

Oh, thank you, dear.

[Roger] Good afternoon.

If you're looking for
the U.N. ambassador,

you got the wrong house.

Wow, a cane, too.

I had to tie him down
to get his spats off.

I thought one of us should be

properly dressed
for the occasion.

I hate to sound catty, doll,

but didn't you go a bit
heavy on the eye shadow?

If you don't think I'm properly
dressed for the picture,

just say the word
and I'll leave.

Leave?

He wouldn't leave if
the house was on fire.

[Axel shouting]

Water! Water!

I need a pail!

Axel, what happened?

You know, out there...

The hose, Wilbur. Get the hose.

[Wilbur] I'll get the
hose. You get some flour.

Axel, what happened?

A pail! A pail! I want a pail!

Can I use this for...?

Agh!

Oh, my table, my-my rug...

Oh, is that a car outside?

I'll go see.

Oh, what'll we do?

It-it is a car.

It stopped.

Oh, my beautiful house.

It must be. It's
the photographer.

Oh, no.

Mr. Post, I help you.

Please, please, Mr. Post.

Let me do that.

You'll get your
nice suit all dirty.

Axel, what happened?

I put the lighter
fluid on like you say.

And then I lit a match,

and the whole
thing went so high...

Axel! Axel!

I had to put on a towel.

Hey, turn that thing off.

Oh, Roger, what can I say?

I'm sorry...

[door bell]

[Wilbur] Oh, my...

- Please...
- She's here.

I'll get it, dear.

I'm sorry about this.

Oh, Wilbur!

Hello, I'm Ms. Brooks.

From Home...

Beautiful?

And, good-bye, Mr. Ed.

I made enough trouble.

You're a nice horse.

I hope my snoring didn't
bother you last night.

It must be nice to be a horse.

Nobody expects
too much from you.

Sometimes I wish I was a horse.

Yep.

Well...

I go over to the
Tallyho Stables now,

and say good-bye
to my other friends.

And then, well... Who knows?

Good-bye.

Uh-oh.

I go out the back way.

Honey, this is
going to be tough.

Wilbur, you just
have to let him go.

He's not here.

Wilbur, look.

Why, it's Axel's watch.

Let's see the note.

Please, I would like the
missus to have this watch.

Maybe it makes her feel better

after all the
mistakes I've made.

Thank you for
giving me a chance.

I never deserve it.

You are nice people, Axel.

Oh, Wilbur, I can't
take his watch.

I know.

It was the only valuable
thing he ever owned.

Well, look. Why don't
you go back to the house?

I'll see if I can find
him and give it back.

Oh, please do.

Honey, try to find him.

And you wanted to
fire that sweet old man.

No, now wait a minute.

An honest man who
always tried his best.

Ed, do you know where he went?

Well, if you rush,

you might catch him
at the Tallyho Stables.

Thanks, Ed.

- Wilbur?
- Yeah?

Axel, was right.

I never really needed new shoes.

[Wilbur laughs]

Tornado, your feedbox is full.

You are a bad boy.
You're not eating.

[sniffles]

Hi, Axel.

Oh, Mr. Post.

How did you know I was here?

Here. We can't take
your grandfather's watch.

I don't need a watch.

What difference does it
make for time I get fired?

Axel, that's your trouble.

You're not a failure.

You must believe in yourself.

I do. I believe I'm a failure.

Now, don't say that.

Everybody's good at something.

[Mr. Kramer] Axel.

Oh, uh, I-I was just
leaving, Mr. Kramer. I...

No, no, I don't
want you to leave.

- Huh?
- I'm glad that you're back.

Since he left, the horses
have been acting up,

and I can't handle them.

I'll pay you a dollar
and a quarter an hour

just to stay and take
care of the horses.

No, no, this-this man
has a way with animals.

I'm going to pay him $1.75
just to take care of my horse.

I'm only worth a
dollar and a quarter.

$1.75.

$2.

A dollar and a quarter.

Uh, you win, Mr. Kramer.

You've got him for $2.

Well, good-bye, Axel.

Drop by and say hello, huh?

Thank you. I will.

Oh, and by the way, he
was right about my horse.

He didn't need new shoes.

- How do you know?
- My horse admitted it.

Hey, Ed.

Somebody sent you a present.

Oh? Who?

Axel.

That's sweet.

By yiminy.

[Wilbur chuckles]

Oh, look.

Four new shoes for you.

Hey, what do you know?

My favorite kind... Open toe.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪
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