01x19 - Ed the Tout

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

3/4 of a mile at 11...

Good morning, Ed.

Good morn.

Ed, what happened
to the sports section?

I'm reading it.

Hey, wait.

I'm not through yet.

You know I like to
read it with my coffee.

Well, I like to
read it with my hay.

Well, I'm sorry.

Why did you mark
the horse races?

Oh, don't worry.
I'm not betting.

Hello, Roger.

Want me to get
you a cup of coffee?

No, thanks.

Oh, what's this?

Are you playing the horses?

No, I even think the
merry-go-round is fixed.

Well, then who made
these selections?

Would you believe it if
I told you it was Mr. Ed?

Well, I'll tell you the truth.

The little boy who
delivers the paper is a tout.

Wilbur, you surprise me.

I thought you had more
sense than to play the races.

If you must throw
your money away,

give it to your wife.

Believe me. I never gamble.

You know, I had a good friend
who lost a fortune on the races.

Then he started drinking.

First, one bottle a
day, and then two.

Finally he was
buying it by the case.

You know what
happened to that man?

Owns his own liquor store?

Wasn't funny to my friend.

He lost his family, his
business, his home.

They darn near kicked
him out of the Harvard Club.

Look, Roger, I
appreciate you concern,

but believe me,
it isn't necessary.

Hello, girls.

How's the charity
drive coming along?

We've never had "no" said to
us in so many different ways.

I never thought it
would be so hard

to collect money
for a milk fund.

How much did you get?

Uh, $40.

Does that include the 20
I gave you this morning?

Uh-huh.

Does that include the 20
I gave you this morning?

I guess we didn't
have such a good day.

Hey, I have a thought.

Why not let Wilbur run
your $40 into a few thousand

at the race track?

Race track?

Wilbur, you don't...

W-Wilbur have you been
betting on the horses?

Of course not, honey.

Oh, no. He just marked
off these horses' names

because it's their birthday

and he wants to send
them some presents.

Come, dear.

Wilbur, take my advice.

Forget the races.

And, uh, just to
remove any temptation

I'll take this along with me.

And, uh, incidentally,
you're saving a dime.

Yes, dear.

Well, how about Mabel?

Well, if you deduct
what we spent

for gas, stationery,
phone, and circulars

our charity drive
has already lost $15.

Okay, thanks. Talk to you later.

May I come in?

Oh, hi, Roger.

Is Wilbur here?

He's upstairs.

Wilbur!

You must be excited
about his luck today.

What luck?

Why, your husband
picked eight winners.

Eight winners?

At the race track.

Well, here. Look for yourself.

Here are Wilbur's selections.

And here are the winners.

Hi, Roger.

I'll be right back.

Honey, you-you
picked eight winners.

Winners?

Yes, at the race track.

Oh, that's nice.

I picked eight winners?

Here they are.

What do you know?

Eight in a row.

Not bad.

What am I so happy
about? I didn't bet.

Sure, kid.

I didn't.

Will you excuse me,
Roger. I-I've got to feed Ed.

Is it possible he didn't bet?

Oh, I'm sure he didn't.

You say that so calmly.

If I picked eight
winners and didn't bet,

my wife would be
on her way to Reno.

Ed, you picked eight winners.

Well, there were
only eight races.

Ed, how did you get so lucky?

Not luck.

Just horse sense.

You mean, you can
actually pick the horses?

Better than you can pick people.

What's the secret?

How do you do it?

Simple.

I see who's running
and I pick the best.

How do you know so
much about horses?

Isn't that a stupid question?

Yes, yes.

Eight winners. That's amazing.

I got a reward for you.

Hey, neighbor. Let me
give you a hand with that.

Well, thanks. I think I
can manage from here.

Well, if a man
can't help a friend,

what good is he?

That's true.

Oh, by the way, Wilbur,

you know you were
just lucky today.

You could never pick
eight winners in a row again.

Yes, I could.

But what's the difference?

You don't play the races.

No, no, no, no, of course not.

I'm just interested

from the scientific
point of view.

Oh, oh.

Is that why you're being
so helpful this evening?

Oh, Wilbur, please.

Now, uh, just to satisfy me,

would you make some
selections for tomorrow?

I would rather not, Roger.

Admit it. You were just lucky.

Once they get on the track,

nobody can tell what these
stupid animals are liable to do.

Uh, look, Roger.

I don't...

Okay, Roger.

You call out the list
of tomorrow's entries,

and I'll-I'll give
you the winners.

Good.

First race. Esteban?

No.

Bleat Lady?

No.

Sunny boy?

Sunny Boy? Uh, Sunny Boy?

Yeah, that's-that's the winner.

Sunny Boy.

Sunny Boy?

Well, he's 80 to 1.

According to this handicap,

he's never beaten
any of these other nags.

Well, tomorrow he's
running for revenge.

I can hardly wait to
check the paper tonight.

Then we'll see how
good you really are.

Now, the second race.

Maybe the boy didn't
deliver the paper yet.

Could be up on the roof.

Kid's got a great pitching arm.

Lots of speed but no control.

Ah, here it is.

Yeah, now we'll cut you
down to size, my boy.

Roger, are you a sporting man?

What do you have in mind?

If I picked eight winners again,

you carry me into the house.

If I didn't, I carry you.

You're on.

You can put me
down here, driver.

What on earth is going on?

He never carried me
over the threshold.

My dear, you never
picked eight horses in a row.

Again?

Yes, eight
yesterday, eight today.

It's only 16 winners.

What's all the fuss about?

Kay, how much money
do we have in the bank?

Oh, how fabulous!
We'll all be rich.

My mink will be wearing sable.

Aladdin had his lamp,
we have our Wilbur.

I wonder when the new
model yachts come out.

How do you pick them?

Yes, when did you find
out you had this power?

Tell us, swami.

Okay, it all happened
two days ago.

I was sitting in the barn
concentrating on some sketches.

All of the sudden,

I had a strange sensation.

I found myself circling
horses on the sports page.

Too sour, too sour.

May I touch you?

Wilbur, what time do we
leave for the track tomorrow?

Why wait for tomorrow?
Aren't there any night races?

Our milk drive.

Honey, if you pick a few horses,

we'll have all the
money we need.

Milk drive? Why, with
Wilbur on our side,

those kids are going to
be drinking champagne.

Roger, I don't bet and I thought
you were opposed to gambling.

My boy, backing
you is not gambling.

It's hoarding. Now get
busy. Pick it, go ahead.

Get him a pencil.

Pencil? Here,
Wilbur, take my pen.

Keep it. Go on.

I don't like to bet.

You bet for matchsticks,
we'll bet for money.

Honey, for the
charity drive, please.

Well, if it's for charity.

I better go in the
barn and concentrate.

You want me to carry you?

I'll help.

Please.

What a brilliant man I married.

Oh, he's not just
yours now, Carol.

He belongs to the world.

Hollywood Park.

5,000,000.

Hialeah.

5,000,000.

Hey, what do you mean you
can't pick any more winners?

I don't like betting for money.

It's against my principles.

You got me into this.

They think I have the power.

What can I tell them?

Tell them you blew a fuse.

Aqueduct.

Short season, 3,000,000.

Add them up.

25,000,000.

Give the government 24,000,000.

Oh, well, easy come, easy go.

Oh, back so soon?

Where are your selections?

I don't have them.

You-you... Oh, you left
them in your office, huh?

I'll go get them. Here,
sit down, my boy.

Sit right here. Relax.

Roger... I haven't got any.

You haven't?

Oh, you don't like
the horses today, huh?

Well, that's all right. We'll
pick them some other day.

You know, nothing lost except
the interest on the money.

Roger, I'm afraid I'm never
going to pick the horses again.

Roger, I'm... I must
have lost the knack.

I tried, but it just
wouldn't come.

Sorry, Roger.

Why, darling, what's wrong?

We've been wiped out.

What? What happened?

Now I know how Benedict
Arnold's wife must have felt.

Come, dear. We are not
in the house of a friend.

What happened...
Please, my dear.

I'm not well.

Just look at them.

I wish Roger would
start talking to Wilbur.

If only Wilbur would
let him win a few races.

Oh, it's not Wilbur's fault

he lost the knack
of picking horses.

Does he ever talk in his sleep?

Sometimes.

Well, if he ever
mumbles a long sh*t,

jot it down.

I just read about a
wonderful new spray for roses.

It's a home-made dust.

You mix nine parts
of dusting sulfur

with one part of
arsenate of lead.

Who's going to
win the first race?

I don't know.

Go play with your arsenate.

Huh-uh.

Ed?

Huh-uh.

Ed, just one winner?

Just the seventh race?

The big one?

No, I couldn't live with myself.

Ed, please.

May I quote you
from Oscar Wilde?

Oscar Wilde?

He does not win
who plays with sin.

Well, I've got one for you.

He gets no dinner
who picks no winner.

What fool said that?

I did.

I mean...

All right, I don't
need your help.

I'll pick the seventh
race myself.

It's easy. Uh... Devil's Tail.

Is it going to win?

Is it going to lose?

Is it a horse?

I think we need some fresh air.

Oh, I guess I shouldn't
have volunteered

to head our charity drive.

Maybe one of the other
girls could do a better job.

Oh, don't blame
yourself, sweetie.

It's the kids I'm
thinking about.

That milk fund's very
important to them.

Too bad we didn't make
some bets yesterday

when Wilbur picked
all those winners.

Do you really think
he's lost his touch?

Oh, he must have.

He certainly wouldn't
refuse to pick winners

to help a cause like this.

Say, Wilbur.

Yeah?

You should've told me
it was for the milk fund.

You're going to
pick today's winners?

Only for today.

Oh, thanks, Ed.

Imagine picking Devil's Tail.

That horse will finish two
lengths behind his own tail.

Thanks, Ed.

Stop it.

Wait until I tell them.

There must be some
other way to make money.

Carol! Kay!

I've got the touch again.

I'm going to pick
the winners today.

Oh, darling.

Oh, I'll tell Addison. Addi...

Thank heaven, you've
come home to us.

Aren't you angry at me anymore?

Golden boy.

Was I ever angry with you?

I'll need a few minutes
alone to make my selection.

Oh, of course, of course.

Everybody, out of the yard.

My friend wants privacy.

Out, out, out.

Ah, doll.

Shh.

Do you think I look better in
a blue yacht or a pink one?

Don't be chincy, dear.

Buy both.

In the eighth race, Big Blue...

Five pounds over at 118 pounds.

Uh, King's Ransom to
win. That's number 3.

Thank you.

Number 3, or course.

Buddy boy.

The horses are
approaching the starting gate.

Let's go, honey.

Oh, I hope we win.

Oh, I can see those mink
sails on my yacht now.

Starting gate.

The flag is up.

And they're coming
around the turn.

It's Cliver in front.

Followed by Blue
Boy, Windstorm...

Where are you going, honey?

I want to be first in line
to collect my money.

We've got King's Ransom.

And he's dead last.

Oh, I knew he couldn't do it.

Three days in a row.

And at the top of
the stretch it's Cliver.

Cliver moving on at
the round of the haul.

Here comes King's Ransom.

It's King's Ransom
pulling ahead.

Coming down the line,
and it's King's Ransom.

Wait for me, golden boy.

Four winners in a
row and all long sh*ts.

You're a genius.

Four long sh*ts in a row?

What's he got in this one?

Lady's Choice. Can't lose.

Lady's Choice, please.

Follow my friend's advice.
It's like stealing money.

Lady's Choice.

Likewise.

Wilbur, aren't you
going to watch the race?

Why bother walking
back to the box?

Let's just wait
here for our money.

He sure is confident, ain't he?

My friend, a bank would lend
you any amount on his predictions.

Number 4, please.

Thank you.

Number 4.

Likewise.

Likewise.

Well, who's going to win
the next race, oh wise one?

Oh, my, uh, my
selection is Blue Bell.

Blue Bell!

Will you come along
with me, please?

Mr. Post, According
to Detective Weams

you picked six
long sh*ts in a row.

Is that against the law?

Oh, of course not.

But as steward of this track,

I am naturally curious
about your good fortune.

Naturally.

Have you been getting
advice for any of the jockeys?

- No, sir.
- The owners? The trainers?

Then who has been advising you?

My horse.

Mr. Post, you
promised to cooperate.

Will you please tell us who
has been giving you these tips.

Ed.

Ed who?

My horse doesn't
have a last name.

He must have a last name.

I see that we're not
getting anywhere.

Gentlemen, I can
clear this whole thing up

with one phone call.

May I use your phone.

- Go right ahead.
- Thank you.

Post residence.

Hello, Ed. It's me.

I'm at the race track.

Ed, isn't it true

that you've been giving
me all the winners today?

Sure, I gave you
all the winners.

Hello, this is
Mr. Gray, the steward.

Who is this?

Mr. Ed, the horse.

I don't know what
you're doing, Post,

but whatever it is, stop it.

Yes.

Oh, if either of you gentlemen
want to bet the seventh race,

the winner will be
Prince Charming.

Prince Charming?

Yes, my horse just told me

that Mrs. Prince Charming
had a baby last week,

so he'll be trying
to win for the kid.

What happened to your friend?

Yeah, who are we going
to bet on the seventh race?

I don't know.

Oh, yes, I do. Here he is.

Quiet! Quiet!

Please, cut, everybody. Please.

Uh...

It is Prince Charming.

Prince Charming!

Attention, Prince
Charming, number 7

has been declared.

Hey, did you hear that?

Prince Charming was declared.
What's your next choice?

Please, please, please.

Don't panic.

My goodness, there's plenty
of money for everybody.

Well, Wilbur?

I don't know.

Prince Charming
was my only choice.

Oh, come on. You got to
have some other one you like.

Look at all the horses
that are running.

Come on.

Gentlemen, he has
circled Devil's Tail.

Devil's Tail!

The horses are
at the starting gate.

The big race is going
to start pretty soon.

The girls had better hurry back.

What's the rush?
We didn't bet this race.

We put all our
winnings on Devil's Tail.

Well, that's right.

I may sell my house
and move into my bank.

What did you do?

Who told you to
bet on Devil's Tail?

I did.

I borrowed your
newspaper from your pocket.

That horse can't win.

I picked it myself this morning.

You picked all of them, darling.

And they're off and running.

You shouldn't have
bet on Devil's Tail.

He hasn't got a chance.

Out in front, it's Devil's Tail

on top by one length.

It's six winners. How
greedy can you...

It's Devil's Tail by one length.

Remember, I-I picked him.

All by myself.

It's Devil's Tale,
now by five lengths.

I was just sitting in
the office, you know.

Nobody helped me.

Just by sheer logic I
decided to take on Devil's Tail.

And here come Silk
Lady on the outside.

She's closing
in on Devil's Tail.

Coming around the
corner, it's Silk Lady.

Silk Lady, by half a length.

We have a winner,
and it's Silk Lady.

Well, you can't win them all.

I can't bear to think of it.

My pretty, blue yacht
sank in the seventh race.

My 12 apartment buildings.

Think of all that money

we could've had
for that milk fund.

Oh, wait a minute, honey.

Here's some money
for your milk fund.

Wh-wh-where did
you get all this money?

I didn't bet on
the seventh race.

You didn't?

My mother didn't raise
me to be a gambler.

Oh, Wilbur.

Right there. Right there.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

♪ I am Mister Ed ♪