01x20 - A Man for Velma

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mister Ed". Aired: January 5, 1961 – February 6, 1966.*
Watch/Buy Amazon


A horse named Mister Ed shares his words of wisdom only with Wilbur, his hapless owner.
Post Reply

01x20 - A Man for Velma

Post by bunniefuu »

Hello.

I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the
answer that you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

Carol, where are you?

In the kitchen.

You shouldn't be working
with that sprained wrist.

- I wanna get dinner ready
for Wilbur.
- Well, let me help.

Ah, thanks, Kay. Hand me the chicken,
will you? It's in the refrigerator.

One chicken coming up.

Poor doll. He doesn't
have a thing to wear.

Just put it in the pot
and light the stove.

Oh, no. The little fella's

gone through so much already.

Sweetie, why don't you let me
prepare dinner for all of us tonight?

You know, salad, steak,
mushrooms, apple pie.

Thanks, Kay, but I
know you hate to cook.

You're so right.

We'll eat out.
I'll call Addison.

Oh, Kay, really.

Wilbur's on the phone.

Thank you. I have
your address, yes.

And, Velma, it'll just be
for the one week, huh?

There won't be much
housekeeping to speak of.

Most of your work is gonna
be done in the kitchen, cooking.

All right. I'll pick
you right up.

Thank you. Good-bye.

Well, Ed...
- Gesundheit.
- Thank you.

Carol's gonna be surprised when
she finds out I hired a cook to help her.

That's the trouble
with us Americans.

We spoil our women.

Oh, come on.
Carol's a great cook.

You know that. It's just
that she sprained her wrist.

Sure. How did she sprain it?

The can opener slipped.

Gesundheit, again.

Thank you, Ed.

Velma Pinkney. She
sounds very efficient.

- Thank you very much.
- You're welcome.

You know, I think I'm
allergic to your hay.

What are you complaining about?

I have to eat this stuff.

♪♪

Wilbur, did you call that
cook I recommended?

- Just going now to pick her up.
- Good.

Look, I hope you
didn't tell Kay about my

surprise, because
she is sure to tell Carol.

Oh, no, no, no. I learned my lesson
20 years ago when I told Kay a secret.

- What secret?
- That I was single.

I should've known.

We want you and Kay to be
our guests tonight for dinner.

I mean, the way you talk about this
Velma, she must be a wonderful cook.

Oh, she is. Great. But
that's the story of my life.

The only time I ever get a good
home-cooked meal is when I go...

Go to somebody else's house.

Married men.

Boy, am I glad I'm a bachelor.

- Well, this is it, Velma.
- Mmm.

I'll tell Mrs. Post you're
here. She'll be surprised.

Honey?

Carol.

Hi, dear.

Surprise for you, honey.

Say hello to Velma,
our new cook.

She's gonna be
with us for a week.

Oh, thank you, darling.

- Hello, Velma.
- Hello, Mrs. Post.

You happy?

Oh, darling, you're the most
wonderful husband in the world.

One thing about my wife,
Velma, she always tells the truth.

Oh, hang onto him, Mrs. Post.

A good man is hard to find.

Any man is hard to find.

At my age, even a
bad man is hard to find.

Well, there'll be four
for dinner tonight, Velma.

I invited Roger and Kay over.

Well, I know you'll
be happy here.

- Be in my office,
dear, - Okay, dear.

I'll show you to your room.

Oh, what a nice man.

Mrs. Post, have you got
a butler working for you?

No.

- A chauffeur?
- No.

Well, on my day off, it
looks like solitaire again.

Oh, by the way, do you
have your milk delivered?

- Yes.
- Is the milkman married?

Yes.

You don't have to rub it in.

What a feast.

Velma, the dinner is delicious.

Oh, thank you.

- Marvelous.
- Oh, it's perfect.

I could never do
anything like it.

This wasn't a dinner.
This was a banquet.

Oh, this meal is so
beautiful, I could wear it.

The soup is a collector's item.

Oh, honey, thanks
again for Velma.

She's the nicest present
you've ever given me.

If she were a little smaller, I
would've had her gift-wrapped.

Wilbur, can I open a
charge account here?

Oh, now darling, we
mustn't take advantage.

We shouldn't eat here over
four or five times a week.

Baked Alaska.

- Oh!
- Oh!

Beautiful, beautiful.

Well. Your hand
should be immortalized

at Grauman's Chinese.

Oh, Mr. Post, thank you.

Oh, the good ones
are always married.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Oh, Velma's such a jewel.

- I wonder why
the Johnsons let her go.
- She quit.

I understand she was
engaged to their butler Henry

and they broke up.

Oh, that's too bad.

She's such a nice woman.
I hope she finds somebody.

If you wouldn't mind, my
dear, I'd marry her myself.

If she cooked
for us, I'd let you.

Sure gonna hate to lose
her at the end of the week.

If it'll make you feel
any better, honey,

I'll sprain the other wrist.

Please?

Oh, boy! Pizza!

It's for your horse,
Mr. Post. A carrot pizza.

For your horse?

Yeah, he loves Italian food.

Instead of sugar cubes, I
have to feed him breadsticks.

Ah, you like Velma's pizza, huh?

When I worked at the Johnsons',
so did my boyfriend Henry.

He ate like a horse, too.

He should only choke.

Do you know I fed that man
like a king for four years?

And what happened?
I got the brush.

Men. Who needs 'em? Huh.

I do.

♪♪♪

Henry's loss is my gain.

Man, this pizza is molto bene.

♪♪

♪ Santa Lucia ♪

♪ Santa Lucia ♪

This is your last
homemade pizza, Ed.

Carol's wrist is better,
and Velma's leaving tonight.

Not so loud.

I don't want my stomach to
know it's back to hay again.

You know, she
sure fattened you up.

Wow. Another week,

I'd have to get
a girdle for you.

Oh, don't let her go, Wilbur.

My friends say I
never looked better.

We tried to talk her
into staying last night,

but she wants a job
where she can meet men.

All right. Throw a
U.S.O. dance for her.

I might just do that.

Last piece.

There's only one thing that
would make her change her mind...

If she met a man.

And that's one thing you
can't buy at the supermarket.

How about the
postman, Mr. Hodges?

Married.

The plumber?

Married.

Do you think she'd wait
for the newsboy to grow up?

Here she comes.

I'm ready to leave, Mr. Post.

Will you drive me
to the bus station?

Sure. Uh, Velma... if
you weren't leaving,

what would you be
cooking for dinner tomorrow?

Oh. Um... I was going to start

with little individual
cheese soufflé.

Cheese soufflé.

Cheese soufflé.

And then?

Uh, artichoke hearts
with sour cream dressing.

Sour cream dressing.

Sour cream dressing.

Then?

My main course would be, uh,

tornado of beef with
Béarnaise sauce.

Béarnaise sauce.

Béarnaise sauce.

And for dessert?

Cherries jubilee.

Cherries jubilee.

What are we having
for dinner tomorrow?

I'm not sure.

The label washed off the can.

Good-bye, Mrs. Post.

It was so nice working for you.

Well, if you ever
change your mind...

Excuse me.

Hello?

Yes, she's here.

Velma, it's for you.

A man!

A man?

Hello?

Yes, this is Velma. Who is this?

Walter?

Walter who?

Just call me "Walter"

until we know each other better.

Well, who are you?

Just a secret admirer.

Uh, well, what do you want?

I've watched you
from a distance,

and I adore you.

Uh, well, I don't
speak to strange men.

Are you married?

I've never trotted
down that middle aisle.

He sounds like a Harvard man.

What do you have in mind?

I'll call you tomorrow.
Will you be there?

Of course I'll be here
tomorrow. I'll be here all week.

I work for the Posts.

Yes.

Cherries jubilee.

Cheese soufflé.

Hello, Ed.

Hello, Wilbur.

Isn't it wonderful

about Velma finding a
boyfriend and staying?

Yeah. Uh, just a minute.

Uh, here's a menu I wrote out

for my dinner tonight.

Menu?

Mm-hmm.

"Oat cocktail"?

Mm-hmm.

"Home-fried carrots."

Mmm.

"Baked apple
with alfalfa sauce."

Ohh...

And "lobster thermidore..."

Lobster thermidore?

Well, that's in case

you want to eat with me.

Oh, you're very thoughtful.

Just give Velma the menu

and leave her a good tip.

Well, later, Ed.
I got work to do.

All right.

Lobster thermi...

Lobster thermidore.

Mmm.

Wilbur! Velma is leaving!

What, again?

But what happened?
She said she'd stay!

Remember that phone call she
got from that fellow Walter last night?

Well, he didn't call
back, so she's packing.

Maybe I'd better
have a talk with her.

I don't think it'll do any good.
She's made up her mind.

Well, I guess Walter has to
turn on the old charm again.

Velma?

Yes, Mr. Post?

Velma, can't we sit
down and talk this over?

Mr. Post, the only reason I stayed, I
was expecting a call from that fella.

Walter.

But there are other men.

Yeah, and I'm
goin' lookin' for 'em.

Maybe I could break our TV set

and ask for a
bachelor repairman.

With my luck, he'd
be 90 years old.

No. I'm ready to
go now, Mr. Post.

Oh. Good-bye, Mrs. Post.

I enjoyed working for you.

Well, good luck, Velma.

Oh, wait.

Just a minute, please?

Hello?

Yes. She's here.

Velma, it's for you.

A man.

Ohh! It must be him!

Hello?

It's me, my love. Walter.

What happened? I
was waiting for your call.

I, uh... I just lost my nerve.

Aw... you're shy.

Oh, we're perfect
for each other.

I'm shy, too.

Cherries jubilee.

- Yeah.
- Mmm!

Well, good-bye, my love.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Tomorrow? If you
don't meet me tonight,

I won't be here.

Uh, then it's tonight.

I'll meet you outside
the patio after dinner.

Good.

Oh, I... I hope you're as
handsome as you sound.

I am, but it all depends
on your point of view.

Au revoir, chérie.

Almost 8:00.

I hope that Walter shows up.

The girls have been up there
working on Velma for an hour now.

I certainly hope they've
prettied her up a little.

Velma deserves
happiness, you know?

She has so much to offer a man.

Friendship, warmth, loyalty.

Stroganoff,
lasagna, shish kebob.

If she leaves, I'll k*ll myself.

Well, she'll be right down.

How does she look?

Anxious.

Honey, we'd better hurry

if we're going to
make that movie.

Yeah. Roger, would you
mind looking in on Ed?

Make sure the barn
window's closed.

Oh, sure, sure.

Here she comes.

♪♪

♪♪

Velma, you look beautiful!

- Oh, Mr. Post.
- Beautiful?

Why, she's
positively enchanting.

Oh... why...

Won't you be late for the movie?

Oh, oh, yes. Yes. Come
on, honey. Let's go.

- Have a nice time, Velma.
- Thank you.

- Good night, Velma.
- Thank you. Good night.

- Good night.
- Velma... have fun.

Oh, yes.

Have a good evening, Velma.

Is that you, Walter?

It's me.

You look beautiful, Velma.

Oh... why don't you come
over here where I can see you?

I told you. I'm shy.

Ohh... don't be like that.

We're all alone.

Uh, don't come
any closer, Velma.

Oh, why, Walter? Why?

You don't have to be that shy.

Turn around.

Hello, Velma.

You!

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself!

For doing this?

Does your wife know?

Of course. I just told her.

Well, I'm not that broadminded!

Ooh!

What's the matter
with that woman?

What's she talking
about? Broad...

What's the matter with
me? Talking to a horse.

He had to show up.

Now I'm back to hay again.

♪♪

Velma!

Is Romeo here?

Who?

Your husband. Our boyfriend.

What are you talking about?

When he complimented
me and kissed my hand,

I thought he was
only after my cooking.

Addison?

I'll be your witness in court.

Oh, now, just a minute.
There must be a mistake.

Ask your husband what
happened in the backyard.

What did happen?

Let Walter tell you.

Walter?

That's your husband.

Velma... I'm sure
you must be mistaken.

I don't want to
hurt your feelings,

but I just can't imagine
my husband leaving me

- for...
- For me?

Mrs. Addison, I may
not be as pretty as you,

but when it comes to cooking,
you can't hold a pot to me!

Oh, now, darling, really!

Just because I'm not a good cook

and my husband happens
to enjoy your cheese soufflés,

your baked Alaska, and
your wonderful gravies,

and... What did
happen in the backyard?

Let him tell you.

♪♪♪

Dear. It's getting late.

Shall we turn in?

Hey! Are... Are you crazy?

Get... Ohh...

Here. Have some juice, dear.

Thank you.

I can't understand why Velma

hasn't been down
to fix breakfast.

She must've overslept.

Her boyfriend probably
kept her out late.

Oh, not again!

Mr. Post, I'm leaving!

- But, Velma,
you promised to stay.
- Velma.

What happened? Didn't
Walter show up last night?

Yes. Mr. Addison did!

Addison?

You might as well know

your neighbor is a chaser.

Oh, Velma, really!

Underneath that mustache
you'll find a Bluebeard.

Velma, I think you're
imagining all this.

Why, Mr. Addison is
very devoted to his wife.

Why, he wouldn't think of
looking at another woman.

Mrs. Addison
believed me last night.

Kay would never
believe a story like that.

I wouldn't say that.

Velma... Please! Haven't
you done enough?

Roger, what's going on here?

She told Kay the
most fantastic story

how... h-how I... uh...

Why don't you take your
crummy pizzas and go.

Oh, now, Roger, just a minute!

Her pizzas are not crummy.

I'm going home to Mother!

Oh, now, Kay, dear...

I hope that you and
Velma and her soufflés,

the three of you,
will be very happy!

Oh, Kay, please.

Now, just a minute, Kay.

I'm sure there's a perfectly
logical explanation for this.

Tell her, Roger.

Of course I'm Walter.

I've been Walter for 20 years.

I am also Booby, and
I'm... I'm Jack the Ripper.

I'm... I'm...

Hello?

Y-Yes. She's here.

Velma, it's for you.

A man!

Hello?

It's me... Walter.

Walter?!

What happened last night?

See? It couldn't
have been Roger.

I never doubted you for
a minute, doll. I'm sorry.

You're sorry.

I don't know who she
was talking to last night.

There... There was
just me and the horse.

What did you say, Walter?

I'm sorry I had to leave so
suddenly last night, Velma.

Yes? Well... I'll
try to understand.

I don't think I'm
good enough for you.

Oh, Walter.

Well, I'm kind of a drifter.

You need a man
with a steady job.

A fine girl like you
needs a real man.

- Oh, Walter.
- My trouble is... Yes?

- Uh-oh.
- Yes?

Hello?

Wal... Hello!

Oh, he hung up!

Oh, now I'm all mixed up!

Oh, Velma, now, sit down.

Don't you worry.
Now, just calm down.

Excuse me a minute, please.

How do you do? I'm Henry Gibson.

I work for the Johnsons.
Is Miss Velma in?

Yes. Velma?

Come in, please.

Well, this is the worst
trick you have ever pulled.

But, Wilbur, I...

You know you broke
that woman's heart?

- But, Wilbur...
- And look what you did to the Addisons.

- But, Wilbur...
- All because of your big appetite.

- But, Wilbur.

All right. Go
ahead. It's your turn.

If only Perry Mason
were here to defend me.

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

Wilbur! Wilbur!

Guess what. Velma is engaged.

To Roger?

Oh, stop. Henry, the Johnsons'
butler that she was going with,

just showed up and proposed.

Well, that's wonderful!

Come on. She wants
you to meet him.

Yeah, well, I'll... I'll be
there in a minute, honey.

Uh...

This is lucky for you.

But, Wilbur...

I was gonna send
you to bed tonight

without any supper.

But, Wilbur!

Who do you think
called the Johnsons

and got Henry Gibson
over here to propose?

You!

How did you do it?

I told him somebody
was runnin' off with his girl

and if he liked her cookin',
he'd better hurry right over.

Ed, why didn't you tell me?

Because you bawled me out.

But, Ed...

Besides, who can get a
word in with you around?

- But, Ed...
- You're always jumping to conclusions.

- But, Ed...
- "But Ed, but Ed, but, Ed."

Is that all you can say?

But, Ed... ♪♪

May I propose a toast to
Kay's first home-cooked meal?

Well... Thank you very much.

Congratulations, Kay.

Hope it's all right.

Ah.

♪♪

Well... so much
for experimentation.

Well, it's... not really... bad.

Once you get it down.

My dear, no... no
offense, but, uh...

would you mind if we celebrated

your first home-cooked
dinner at Pierre's Restaurant?

Why, doll, I've already
made the reservations.

My darling.

Hmm. They're off
to a fancy restaurant,

and I'm back to
barn-cooked meals.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

♪ I am Mister Ed ♪
Post Reply