01x26 - Ed Cries Wolf

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mister Ed". Aired: January 5, 1961 – February 6, 1966.*
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A horse named Mister Ed shares his words of wisdom only with Wilbur, his hapless owner.
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01x26 - Ed Cries Wolf

Post by bunniefuu »

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

It's your turn.

Uh, move my pawn down.

Here?

Yeah. Checkmate.

Darn it. That's the fourth
game in a row you've beaten me.

Five, but who's counting?

You've just had an
amazing run of luck.

I'll b*at you this time.

Mm-hmm. Well, just
to make it interesting,

how about a little side bet?

Like five sugar cubes.

Oh, Ed, I've told you many
times it is wrong to bet.

It warps your character,
it makes you greedy,

and I always lose.

Ah. My move, eh?

Yeah.

Go ahead.

Uh... You're in trouble.

What did I do wrong?

You started the game.

Will you move my second
pawn down two, please?

Move it yourself.

Please. Those small
ones get stuck in my teeth.

Now me, eh?

Uh-oh.

Ah-ah.

Ah.

Wilbur, you're not
much of a chess player,

but I enjoy these hours
we spend together.

I don't know what
I'd do without you.

Really, Wilbur.

If you would stop jabbering,

maybe I could concentrate
and win one of these games.

To show you we're
real pals, I'll help you.

Move your king's
rook down two squares.

Mm-hmm.

Mine up one.

Now yours down one.

Down.

Mine up one.

Bring your bishop
down one square.

Bishop.

Now my bishop in front of it.

Checkmate. You lose again.

Oh, I'd like to get
you on a tennis court.

A tennis court.
Oh, you're beautiful.

Let's play another game.
And no help, please.

Okay, you set them up.

Meanwhile, I'll get
us a couple of apples.

Kay.

Well, what did Wilbur
get you for your birthday?

I don't know yet.

You mean you didn't
tell him what you want?

Of course not. I
believe in taking potluck.

That's dangerous, darling.

You're liable to
wind up with a pot.

Oh, Kay.

Does he know
today's your birthday?

Well, I guess so.

You guess so?

Oh, listen to this
poor innocent child.

By now, you should
have gotten your gift

and exchanged it for
something more expensive.

Well, I think I know
what he's going to get me.

What?

Last week, Wilbur
and I were passing

Pierre's Jewelry Shop,

and I saw the most
beautiful pair of earrings

in the window,

and I pointed them out to him.

Sweetie, dogs are
pointers. Wives are grabbers.

You should have
gotten them on the spot.

Oh, I'm not worried.

Wilbur's probably out buying
those earrings right now.

Hi, Wilbur.

Hi, Rog.

Kay tells me...

Who are you playing chess with?

With myself.

How are you making out?

I lost four times in a row.

Five.

Last time, I gave
myself some bad advice.

Kay just told me
you're getting your wife

some pearl earrings
for her birthday.

I know a place that'll
give you a wonderful...

Pearl earrings.

Holy cow, I forgot.

Calm down, boy, calm down.

Rog, thanks for reminding me.

I better get right
down to Pierre's

and pick up those earrings.

Pierre's?

You are buying your wife
genuine pearl earrings?

Yeah, why not?

Never let your heart
run away with your wallet.

This time, I'd like to
really surprise Carol.

I'll tell you what.
After dinner,

I'll bring her over
to your place.

We'll pretend we're going
to have a game of bridge.

Then I'll give her the earrings.

We'll have a big birthday cake,

imported champagne.

Drinking cham... What?

At my house?

Oh, I'll pay.

Oh, good. Fine. Yeah.

You said it. The little
woman deserves the best.

- And Roger.
- Yeah?

Would you do me a favor?

I want this to really
surprise Carol,

so don't tell your wife.

Don't worry. I only say
two things to Kay all day.

Good morning and good night.

All conversation
in-between is strictly hers.

Well, happy spending.

I thought old pickle-puss
would never leave.

Ed, guess what?

Today is Carol's birthday.

Swell. Set up the chess
board and we'll celebrate.

Oh. I can't play chess now.

I got to buy some earrings.

Um, in the middle of our game?

She's my wife.

Well, so what?

I'm your horse.

Sorry, Ed. I can't spend
all my time with you.

See you later.

Wilbur, let's compromise.

Spend your evenings with
her and your days with me.

Don't feel bad, Ed.

When it's your birthday,
I'll get you earrings.

Wife. Big deal.

I bet it would take her
ten minutes to run a mile.

Oh, hi honey.

Have you been in
the barn all this time?

Uh, yes. I just remembered
I've got to go downtown.

To get something?

Uh, yes.

For whom?

You don't have to tell
me if you don't want to.

Oh, I can tell you, dear.

I'm going to buy some
hay at the feed store.

Oh, thank you dar... Hay?

Yeah. See you later.

- Wilbur.
- Yeah?

You've always said I
have pretty, shell-like ears.

A beach comber's
delight, my sweet.

Well, don't you think

they need a little
something to show them off?

You're right.

Why don't you curl
your hair over your ears?

Like that.

Beautiful.

I'll tell you a secret, honey.

I married you for your ears.

- Sure.
- Yeah.

I mean, the lips, the
nose, the eyes, all that stuff,

just part of the package deal.

If you want my ears,
they'll be in the kitchen.

I'll get it, dear.

Hello?

How about getting
back to our chess game?

I got to go down to Pierre's
and pick up Carol's present.

But Wilbur, we got to play.

It's the only thing
that takes my mind

off my poor, strained back.

You're just faking.

You just don't like to be alone.

Now look, you play solitaire

until I come back from Pierre's.

Pierre's.

I'm sure your
wife will appreciate

the pearl earrings, Mr. Post.

Yes. Frankly, I didn't
expect to pay so much,

but after all, what's money?

Hard come, easy go.

Well, you know what they
say. You have only one wife.

Yeah. And at these prices,
I'm glad she's only got two ears.

Would you like to have
the earrings delivered?

Yes, please.

The address is
17230 Valley Road.

17230 Valley...

Wait a minute.
On second thought,

maybe I better take it with me.

I want to surprise my wife.

But she might notice it.

The package is very
conspicuous, no?

Yes. That's true.

I know. I'll hide
it in the closet,

and then after dinner, when we're
playing bridge with our neighbors,

I'll go back and sneak it out.

Excuse me.

Pierre's. May I help you?

Yes. Mr. Post, it's for you.

- Me?
- Yes.

Thank you.

Hello?

Why did you hang
up on me before?

I'm sorry, I was in a hurry.

Look, you eat your hay, and
I'll play chess with you later.

No, Ed. I am not ignoring you.

Didn't I ride you in
the park on Sunday?

Okay. If you've got
burrs in your tail,

I'll comb them out.

See you later.

A friend of mine. We're
always kidding around.

It sounded to me like you
were talking to a horse.

But how could that be?

Thank you for wrapping
the package so nicely.

Oh, excuse me.

Hello?

One minute.

Mr. Post, it's your
friend the horse again.

Thank you.

Now what is it?

Come home. I've got a headache.

My eyes hurt.

Maybe you've been
watching TV too much.

You're right. Maybe
I need glasses.

Glasses? Now listen,
Ed, I... I know, but...

I know, but...

No, Ed, there is no such
thing as a horse optometrist.

All right, but Ed,
if you're kidding,

I'll twist a knot in your tail.

Just this friend of mine, he...

Quite a character,
this friend of mine.

Believe me, Wilbur,
I'm very near-sighted.

Runs in my family.

My mother used
to bump into trees.

We'll find out.

And my father was even worse.

He was married to
Mother for ten years

and never knew
what she looked like.

Yeah, okay. Now read the charts.

What chart?

The one on the wall.

What wall?

I know. Stop the faking, Ed.

I want you to read the
fourth line from the top.

Start at the first letter.

Um, it's either a B or a G.

Or an I.

Or an X.

Never mind.

Read the big one at the top.

That's easy. It's an O.

You're right. It's an O.

It is not. It's an E.

Ah ha.

Your eyes are
perfect. I tricked you.

No, my eyes are bad.

I know the Fairbanks
Optical Company

always puts an E on
the top of their charts.

How do you know the Fairbanks
Company made this chart?

That's what it says
right there on the bottom.

Manufactured by the Fairbanks...

Optical Company.

How about a little chess?

Ed, I am tired of
you and your faking.

But I get lonely in here.

Four empty walls.
No one to talk to.

A horse can go stir-crazy.

Wilbur.

In here, honey.

The eternal triangle.

A man, a wife and his horse.

What would you like
for dinner tonight?

Or do you think
we should eat out?

Eat out? Oh, no, no,
no. We can't eat out.

You see, after dinner we're
going over to the Addisons'.

Oh? Is there something
going on there?

No, nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Just going to play some bridge.

Sounds exciting.

I hate to tease her like this,

but there's one thing
about a surprise gift.

You've got to give
it at the right time.

Are you going to be at
the Addisons' all night?

Of course. It's
my wife's birthday.

Why don't you just hand
her the earrings and blow?

Look, Ed, at 8:00,

when I sneak out of the Addisons'
house to pick up the earrings,

I'll drop by here and
say good night to you.

Big deal. Think you
can spare the time?

- Anybody home?
- Kay's upstairs.

Good.

I've got Carol's
birthday cake here.

Where can I hide it
that Kay won't find it?

In the kitchen. She
never goes in there.

Addison, doll, who came in?

It was Wilbur, my love.

I'll duck this in the closet.
She's coming down.

Hello, Kay.

Hi, Wilbur.

Just dropped by to
borrow a cup of pencils.

What's Carol doing?

She's getting ready
to go to the market.

Why don't you join her, my love?

Oh, no. I hate to shop
for anything I can't wear.

I'm going to the beauty parlor and see
what colors they're pushing this week.

Addison, I'd like
to get my coat.

Coat? On a
stifling day like this?

It's not only
stifling, it's hot.

It's so hot outside

that the pigeons are
sitting under the statues.

Addison, please.

Goodbye, my dear.

Doll, I'm in no mood for games.

But sweetheart, I'm
only thinking of you.

If you wear a coat
on a hot day like this,

you might get overheated.
You might get a chill.

And before you know
it, you're in the hospital,

and there's only so
much penicillin can do.

All right, I'll wear my
little black sweater.

Great idea. I'll go get it.

It's in the closet.

Well, I'll have my hair
back before dinner.

I'm glad you're surprising
Carol with that cake in the closet.

Kay, Wilbur would like
this to be a real surprise.

Now promise me you
won't say a word to Carol.

Oh, well, of course.

Well, see you.

Hold it, loose lips.

Why don't you stay here
until our bridge game tonight?

Wilbur, you trust me, don't you?

Oh, sure. But
you know how it is.

You start talking to Carol.
She says, "How are things?"

You say, "Fine, Wilbur's
got a cake in our closet."

And before you know
it, she catches on.

Will you please get that while
I hold on to the town crier?

Hello?

It's for me.

What is it?

I got an ear ache, Wilbur.

Rush over with a
couple hundred aspirin.

Well, I'm sorry. I don't need
any insurance, Mr. Christie.

Don't be too rough
on her, Roger.

Use leg irons only if necessary.

Well, that was a
delicious dinner.

Let's hope we're lucky
at bridge tonight, eh?

It'd be nice to be
lucky at something.

Never mind. It's too hot for
a coat. I'll put it in the closet.

Oh, no, no. No, you
should wear a coat, honey.

It's so cool outside that the pigeons
who were sitting under the statue

are now wearing
sweaters. It's fine.

Wilbur.

Remember, honey. No
trumping my ace tonight.

I'll get it.

No, I'll get it.

You go on to the Addisons'.

Hello?

There's a
suspicious-looking character

hanging around the house.

You'll say anything to get
me in that barn, won't you?

But Wilbur, this time
I'm telling the truth.

Cross my fetlocks
and hope to die.

Suspicious character.

Why don't you invite him
in to play chess with you?

Kay, you were
so right. He forgot.

I should have been a
grabber instead of a pointer.

There is something
I must tell you.

Yes? Sorry, my dear.
You were saying?

I was telling Carol that it looks
like another warm day tomorrow.

A simple weather report.
Beautifully put, my dear.

Sorry I kept you waiting.

Well, here we go again.

Posts against the Addisons.

If you don't mind, I'd
like to play with Roger.

I don't mind if Kay doesn't.

You can play with
anyone you want,

as long as the
money is in my name.

I could do with
a cool drink, too.

Honey, can I get you something?

No, thank you. I have
everything I need.

There are some cold drinks
in the refrigerator, Wilbur.

Help yourself.

Carol, I've just...

Wonderful husband
you have there, Carol.

Thanks. That's what
he keeps telling me.

Happy birthday, honey.

Happy birthday, Carol!

Oh, darling!

You fooled me. Oh,
you're all so wonderful.

Big secret, wasn't it?

And that isn't all, honey.

That insurance
agent again. I'll get it.

Oh. Happy birthday again, dear.

Don't cut it, now, don't cut it.

Beautiful cake, Carol.

Hello?

That crook's in your house now.

No, I've already got enough
insurance, Mr. Christie. Goodbye.

Guy never gives up.

Now Carol, as I was
saying, that isn't all.

I have another surprise for you.

Back in a second.

All right, darling.

Kay, what did he get me?

Kay.

I promised I wouldn't tell.

But they'll look
lovely on your ears.

Oh, just what I wanted.

That's right. Earlaps.

I should get you one
to put over your mouth.

Oh, Roger.

Hey, stop! Thief!

Another man in space.

Okay, buddy, put them up.

This is the law.

If you turn around,
I'll let you have it.

I ain't moving.

Take one step and
you're dead meat.

Please, Officer, just arrest me.

The wagon will be
here in a minute.

I just phoned the station.

Keep those hands up.

Please, don't sh**t. Please.

Don't turn around
or I'll blast you,

sure as my name is Elliott Ness.

I'm not turning,
Officer. Please.

Just take me in.

Okay, okay, what's going on?

Officer, I'm guilty.

I stole these things
from this guy here.

Oh, you did, huh?

Oh, my wife's earrings.

My wallet.

Officer, I'm glad you got here.

This cop behind
me is trigger-happy.

Huh? What cop?

The only thing
behind you is a horse.

But there was a cop
there. I heard him talk.

He was holding a g*n on
me. Said he was Elliott Ness.

Well, it couldn't be a horse.

There was a man
talking, not a horse.

A talking horse?

This man is obviously
in need of help.

Come on, buddy.

That's impossible. You're right.

He was right. I need help.

Ed, I'm sorry I
didn't believe you,

but this is what happens when
you don't tell the truth all the time.

Yeah, you're
right. You're right.

From now on, it's only
going to be the truth.

All right. Tell you what.

I'll sneak over later and we'll
have a nice game of chess.

Good, but hurry,
'cause I got a toothache.

Me, too.

Toothache? Why is
he holding his back?

Oh, I love my earrings, darling.

How did you know I wanted them?

When you pointed
to them at Pierre's,

you nearly broke the window.

Oh, and thank you,
Kay, for the perfume.

Oh, it's powerful stuff, doll.

Don't use it if
you're only kidding.

And thank you, Roger,
for the handkerchief.

My dear, it was nothing.

You're right.

A toast to my wife.

- Yes.
- Perfect.

- Carol.
- Carol.
- To Carol.

Thank you.

Excuse me. Be right back.

And you thought I'd
forgotten your birthday, huh?

Hello? Yes, yes.
She's right here.

Carol, Carol.

- For me?
- It's for you.

Nobody knows I'm here.

It's for you just the same.

Thank you, Roger.

Hello?

Oh, Wilbur, how thoughtful.
A singing telegram.

A singing... Yes.

♪ For she's a
jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪

Happy birthday, Carol.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

♪ I am Mister Ed ♪
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