03x23 - The Secret Life of Ricky Stratton

[bunniefuu]

["TOGETHER" BY RIK HOWARD AND BOB WIRTH PLAYING]

♪ Here we are, face to face ♪

♪ A couple of Silver Spoons ♪

♪ Hopin' to find We're two of a kind ♪

♪ Making a go Making it grow ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ We're going to find Our way ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ Taking the time each day ♪

♪ To learn all About those things ♪

♪ You just can't buy ♪

♪ Two Silver spoons together ♪

♪ You and I together ♪

♪ We're going to find Our way ♪

♪ You and I together ♪

♪ We're going to find Our way ♪

♪ You and I together ♪

Okay. Now, we're all plugged into the computer network.

We're all set to grok.

Wow, this is the first time I ever grokked.

Well, it's easy.

All grokking means is talking to the computer users.

First, you need a handle. Mine is The Ricker.

Then you just type in your message.

Here's the Ricker's joke of the day.

RICK: What city is known as The Big Egg?

BULLETIN BOARD SYSTEM PLEASE ENTER YOUR HANDLE.

I guess I'll have to give the answer myself.

New Yolk.

These people really appreciate good humor.

Oops...

Well, there's someone who understands me.

Who's L.G.? Ah!

It's a girl I've been grokking with

for the last few weeks.

The letters stand for Lady Godiva.

Oh!

Yeah.

Just the other day, she said I made her modem quiver.

We're off to the theater.

What are you going to see?

A new Broadway musical about the life of Joseph Stalin.

It's called That Russki Rascal.

What are you guys gonna be doing?

Oh, we'll be messing around with the computer.

Ah.

Right now, he's talking to somebody named Lady Godiva.

Ah...

Uh, there's a provocative pseudonym.

She's really great.

We've been having some truthful conversations

the last few weeks.

We both have so much in common. We both love Prince.

Uncanny.

Now, you never actually met this girl?

I mean, in person?

No. We get along so well over the computer,

I don't wanna mess with the magic.

Yeah. Besides, she might be a:

[HOWLS]

[HOWLS]

Now, there is a typical male attitude.

I mean, the only thing that matters

is whether or not she's pretty?

Oh, come on, Kate. When you're a 14-year-old kid,

that's kind of the way you feel about blind dates.

Not that that's right. That's wrong.

Definitely wrong.

There are many women who could enrich your lives

who aren't beautiful on the outside.

Ah... For example,

I mean, what man would turn down a date

with Eleanor Roosevelt?

Not me. Boy, if she calls, I'm there.

I poke fun. Seriously, Rick,

if you really like this girl,

no reason you shouldn't meet her.

Yeah, why shouldn't I meet somebody

I'm just grokking with?

Yeah. I'm gonna ask her out.

All right! That's the spirit! Right.

Well, we don't wanna be late.

We don't wanna miss the Russki Rascals.

Yes. They say the opening number is supposed to be terrific.

Imagine 40 gorgeous girls in fur hats going:

[FAKING RUSSIAN SONG]

Hey, hey, hey!

[IN RUSSIAN]

Here goes. Let's see. I'm gonna make it for Friday.

No, no, on a Saturday.

Wait a minute. Why am I so cocky?

This girl sounds terrific.

She might have hundreds of guys asking her out.

She might even say no.

Yes, if she were pretty, maybe.

Here goes.

[HOWLS]

Hey, look, you got mail.

"Photograph, do not bend." It must be from Lady Godiva.

We agreed to exchange pictures.

Her real name is Wanda O. Biddle.

I hope O doesn't stand for:

[HOWLS]

Here goes.

Ah... What is it, Rick?

She's not dressed like Lady Godiva, is she?

She's...

Oh, she's...

Mama.

Boy, did I luck out. Wow!

I've seen her before.

Somewhere.

I know. I saw her at the record store.

She must go to Jefferson High School

because I saw her with their star quarterback.

Chip Matheson?

Isn't he a senior?

He's fairly good-looking.

Yeah. This is a guy with major chest hair.

Not to mention a cherry red Porsche.

Why would she be going out with you?

Okay, so she's a little pretty.

I'm no Quasimodo.

Look, I'm young, I don't have a lot of chest hair.

But I have a lot of other good qualities.

Wait a minute. I'm on your side.

I've always rooted for the underdog.

Man, I gotta get myself a computer.

Soon.

Hi there.

I'm the Ricker.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Rick, son, can I come in? Just a second! Ah!

Ah! Come in!

Well, I was just on my way to bed,

I thought I'd stop off to say good night.

About to turn in?

Oh, not for a while.

Here I am going to bed before you. Ha!

It's a sign you're getting older and I'm...

Dad, I'm gonna ask you something

and I want you to give it to me straight, okay?

What do you think of my ears?

The truth? The truth.

Okay, you asked for it, here goes.

Your ears are perfectly normal.

Forget it.

You're just blinded by parental love.

Rick, ears are silly flaps

that stick out the side of your head.

They're for listening, they're not for looking at.

It's not just my ears.

My nose is not properly centered.

My feet are way too long for my body.

Look at this. It's like I'm standing

on two loaves of pumpernickel.

Well, son, your body is just going through changes now,

that's all.

You don't look bad, you-- It just feels that way.

It feels that way because it is that way.

Tell you what, why don't you turn in, huh?

I promise you, in the morning you may be surprised

at how small your ears get.

Good night. Good night.

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[♪♪♪]

Hi, Alfonso.

Oh... Hi, Rick.

How do I look?

Hey, you're down to one blemish.

Way to go.

Thanks.

So you actually have the nerve to show up for this date.

[SIGHS] Of course I did.

Mh.

You win, Howie.

Alfonso, it's not what a person looks like that counts.

I mean, take Eleanor Roosevelt for example.

I hate to tell you this, Rick.

Eleanor Roosevelt was a lot better-looking than you.

That's true.

Aren't you gonna go talk to Lady Godiva?

She's here? Where?

Right over there.

[♪♪♪]

She's even more beautiful than her picture.

You don't have any Scotch Tape, do you?

Excuse me?

Ah... Never mind.

Wanda?

Yes?

I'm Rick.

It is you.

I thought that picture you sent me was a gag.

Not disappointed, are you?

Oh, no. I guess I'm just used to older guys.

With normal ears.

I-- I've been thinking of getting an ear job.

Leave them alone.

Something has to take the attention away

from those eyebrows.

[SIGHS] I thought they were my best feature.

Maybe I'll find your mind appealing.

What would you like to talk about?

Well, I-- I-- I--

Don't tell me you don't have anything to talk about.

You have to have something.

I'm a beautiful girl. I expect good conversation.

Now, go on, say something.

And it better be something witty

and intelligent and different.

I'm waiting.

You've got different.

Hey, isn't she too pretty to be with you?

Oh, I get it.

Mercy date, right, hon?

What can I get you, sweetie?

Oh, I'd like something that doesn't take too long.

Crackers will be fine.

To go.

And you, Quasimodo?

I'd like an order of fries.

You think that's wise with your complexion?

I'll just have some crackers too.

Two orders of crackers for the princess and the frog!

[POP MUSIC PLAYING]

Would you like to dance?

I guess it won't k*ll me.

I was wrong about this not k*lling me.

Chip! Hi, babe.

Who's the nerd? [SCOFFS]

Oh, just someone I met over the computer

whom I'll never see again.

Is that right, Dumbo? [SCOFFS]

Well, maybe you'll learn to talk

when you get some chest hair, huh?

Chip, I missed you so much.

Especially the last few minutes.

I really, really, really missed you.

Ditto, babe. I got my Porsche out front.

Oh, kid,

I think I ran over your tricycle. [SCOFFS]

I'm sorry it didn't work out.

It's just that you're...

so ugly. [SCOFFS]

Wanda, wait!

I told you not to go on this date.

[KIDS MAKING FUN]

Bye-bye. Bye.

Rick, come on! It's time to go!

Go where, Dad? What do you mean, "go where"?

I was supposed to drop you off at the hangout

for this big date with Lady Godiva.

Oh, yeah, that.

After getting her picture, I've come to the conclusion

that I'd rather walk through a forest fire

wearing a gasoline tuxedo.

Wait a minute, Rick, I thought you and I agreed

about not basing a relationship on a girl's looks.

It's not her looks I'm worried about.

It's mine. Look at this picture, Kate.

Look at that. Wow...

Whoa, this is Lady Godiva? She's very pretty.

Yeah, and she's funny, she's cool.

She dates all the football players.

What is she gonna say when I show up?

What am I gonna say when I show up?

Dad, this girl is fighting guys off.

I'm still fighting through puberty.

Rick, you're selling yourself short.

Short! Oh, no!

I might be too short.

Oh, Rick, come on.

Yeah, you're right.

That's the least of my problems.

Look at me. I'm a mess.

Look at her.

Have you ever seen such a great pair of ears?

Rick, you're letting your fears and your ears

get the best of you.

Yeah, we all have things that we're afraid of.

But if we let those fears control us,

then we lose out on the good stuff.

Yeah, you know, if I had let my fear stop me,

I would have missed something really wonderful.

Getting married to Kate.

Oww.

That's sweet.

Come on, Rick. Go on the date.

Give it a try. Who knows? You may even like it.

Well, okay. I mean, how horrible can it be?

EDWARD: All right!

Not like I'm getting married or anything.

Well, come on, son.

Oh, Dad, you don't have to drive me.

I can just flap my ears and fly down there.

Okay.

Dad! [SCOFFS]

[♪♪♪]

Hi, Wanda. Hi, Sally.

So, what brings you to Fuller High territory?

Oh, I have a blind date. Maybe you know him.

He goes to your school. His name is Rick Stratton.

Rick Stratton?

You've got a date with the Ricker?

What a babe!

He is to die. To die.

He's really something, huh?

Something? He is so popular.

He dresses super cool.

He's a letterman on the soccer team.

Talk about cute legs!

You have to promise me and call me

and tell me everything. I promise.

I want all the details

even down to the color of his socks.

Date with the Ricker.

SALLY: She's got a date with Rick Stratton.

[♪♪♪]

Look who's coming! It's him! It's him!

Hi, ladies. GIRLS: Hi.

EVERYONE: Wow!

Anywhere I hang my headband is home.

Warm, isn't it? Ah!

Hi, Ricker. Can I buy you a malt?

Maybe a burger?

No, thanks, sugarplum.

Wanna dance?

Sorry. My dance card is filled this evening.

I'm here to meet a very special lady.

You're Wanda?

Gosh, you look even better than your picture.

Yeah, I do.

Oh...

nice dress.

Plenty of fabric.

Interesting nose.

You really think so?

Yeah.

Kind of grows on you.

You have a very good sense of humor.

Yeah. I'm here.

Oh...

[SMACKS] Ah!

So...

I guess you wouldn't wanna dance with me?

Sure. Why not?

Fellas, over here.

This-- Right.

All right.

Come on now.

Ready?

Heave-ho!

Heave-ho!

Heave-ho!

Heave-ho!

Heave-ho!

Heave!

Lady Godiva.

The Ricker?

Ahm... I-- I-- I guess I should call you Wanda.

Yeah. I guess I should call you Rick?

So...

Ahm... Ah...

You wanna sit down? Yeah. Good idea.

So...

would you like something to eat?

Ah.... Maybe just a sugar-free drink.

I'm kind of on a diet.

You're on a diet?

Yeah. Don't you think I should be?

Of course not.

You're the kind of person that makes others go on diets.

You mean it?

Yeah.

I mean, looks aren't everything.

Right? Yeah.

I guess I've always felt like I was overweight.

I think it was started when I was 9

and my mom enrolled me in ballet school.

Oh, you don't wanna hear all this.

Sure, I do. I'm all ears.

Are you okay?

Oh, I'm fine.

I know what I wanted to asked you about.

Remember when we were grokking,

you said you were building that science project?

My working model of Mount St. Helens.

Well, it worked a little too well.

I guess I misjudged the pressure,

and to make a long story short,

they're still trying to get the red Cream of Wheat

off the science lab ceiling.

Stuff like that always happens to me.

[♪♪♪]

Ah... ah.

Like to dance?

I'd love to.

I hope I'm as good a dancer as Chip Matheson is.

Chip Matheson?

Yeah.

Somebody said they saw you with him.

Oh, no. Chip dates my older sister.

Sometimes he'd let me hangout with him.

Oh...

Oh!

You know, this may sound silly,

but I was a little nervous about meeting you.

Really?

Yeah. But you weren't nervous.

Not at all.

["TOGETHER" BY RIK HOWARD AND BOB WIRTH PLAYING]

♪ Together ♪

♪ We're going to find Our way ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ Taking the time each day ♪

♪ To learn all About those things ♪

♪ You just can't buy ♪

♪ Two Silver spoons together ♪