02x10 - Ed, the Salesman

[bunniefuu]

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

How time flies.
A year ago today,

I became Wilbur's horse.

Hope he hasn't
forgotten our anniversary.

So far, not even a card.

Good morning, Ed.

[humming]

Beautiful morning, isn't it?

The 12th of this month will
always be beautiful to me.

You know, I think I'd
better call Mr. Winslow

and ask for some more time
on these plans for his house.

Why will the 12th of this
month always be beautiful, Ed?

Because, Wilbur,
it's our anniversary.

By golly, that's right.

It was a year ago today that
we became man and horse.

Happy Anniversary, buddy boy.

Happy Anniversary, Ed.

And now let's dry our tears

and start handing out the gifts.

I forgot.

The stores are
open late tonight.

Okay. Anything
special you'd like?

Just a token.

Say, a color television set.

All right. Excuse me now.

I gotta call Mr. Winslow.

[Carol] I found the best new beauty
parlor in the whole neighborhood.

And there's a new operator
there. His name is Pierre.

And if you can get him to do your
hair, oh, you'll just be so happy.

She's been on that
phone for 20 minutes.

I gotta catch my client
before he leaves his house.

You could call him
from the television store

while you're getting my gift.

Ed, do you know how
much a color TV set costs?

Money's never any object
when you buy Carol a present.

She is my wife.

So? I'm your horse.

All right. All right.

I'll treat you the same
way I would treat Carol.

Tonight we'll have dinner at
the Grove, and at midnight,

we'll dance the
Anniversary Waltz.

And there's a new
operator there. His name is...

I've got to get
her off that phone.

Oh, your gelatin salad
will look so lovely.

That new operator I was
telling you about... Pierre...

Well, he gave me the
recipe. Now, don't forget.

Don't let them
talk you into Andre

because he's much too slow.

Of course, they do
have two other operators,

a manicurist...

- One telephone.
- One tele...

I'll call you back later, Marge.

Someone just came in.

Hi, honey. I guess you
want your lunch now, huh?

When you started that
conversation, I wanted my breakfast.

Oh, I'm sorry, darling, but you
know how Marge loves to gab.

Honey, when she calls up, why
don't you tell her you're busy?

Because I called her.

Look, from now on,
these phone conversations

are gonna be short
and to the point.

Hello. Nice talking to you. Goodbye.
This phone is also my office phone.

- But, Wilbur...
- No more hour-long conversations.

Short. Hello. Nice
talking to you. Goodbye.

- [Roger] Wilbur, are you home?
- Be right with you, Rog.

I'd like my lunch
now, dear, please.

Yes, Your Highness.

Wilbur?

Hey, I've been
calling you all morning.

Your phone's been tied up.

Tied up? It's been strangled.

Carol's been gabbing
away on the phone.

But I really laid the law down.

I said, from now on, those calls
are gonna be short and to the point.

You really told your wife

to cut down on
the telephone calls?

That's right.

An act of raw courage.

In England, you'd
be knighted for that.

Oh, it was nothing, Roger.

I happen to have a
very understanding wife.

That's one thing about Carol...

When she's wrong, she's
the first one to admit it.

Wilbur, you can sit
down. Your lunch is ready.

Thanks, hon. See, Rog?

No hard feelings.
She's a great little sport.

- Sit down, Rog.
- Oh, thanks.

My, that looks yummy.

Oh, she's just kidding, Rog.

I mean, we're always
making little jokes like that.

You know? I mean,
a sense of humor...

It's the oil in the troubled
waters of matrimony.

- Then why aren't you laughing?
- Because it's not funny.

Excuse me, Rog.

Honey, I think it's time
we had a little chat.

Hello. Nice talking
to you. Goodbye.

That's all I'm allowed to say.

Carol, I don't think I'm being
unreasonable about this telephone.

Hmph!

Honey, I think I know
what your problem is.

You see, you don't realize
fully the value of a dollar.

If you had to work and earn
money to pay these bills,

you might show a little
more consideration.

Oh, you want me to
go to work, is that it?

- I didn't say that.
- Very well. I'll pay my way.

I don't want to
be a burden here.

I'll earn my keep.

Carol, nobody is
asking you to go to work.

I mean, even if you
wanted to go to work,

there's nothing you could do.

Oh, you think not?

Why, there are a dozen
jobs I could handle.

Maybe it would be a
good idea if I got a job.

Then we wouldn't have
these money arguments.

I think I'll start
job hunting today.

Okay, honey.

What?

I'm very proud of you, dear.

Good luck.

Oh, sorry, Rog. I didn't
know you were listening.

My boy, I'm proud of you.

- You handled her beautifully.
- You gotta call their bluff.

I mean, can you imagine Carol,

the darling of the beauty
shops, going to work?

She wouldn't make it to
the first coffee break. [laughs]

- Shh!
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- [whispers] Outside.
- Huh? Huh.

- Hi, sweetie.
- Hi, Kay.

What are you doing?
Looking for a sale?

- No, for a job.
- A job?

Doesn't Wilbur like
what he's doing?

It's a job for me, Kay.
I've decided to go to work.

For you? Bite your
tongue, sweetie.

Marriage is a partnership
composed of a team...

The worker and the shirker.

And you know what team we're on.

No, Kay. Wilbur made an
issue of the telephone bill,

so I've decided to
pay my own way.

Carol, a husband wants to
support his darling little wife,

because, well, if he
doesn't, we throw him in jail.

Now, throw away those want ads.

They're making me nervous.

No, Kay.

If I give up now, I'll
never hear the end of it.

There must be some
job I can handle.

Well, if you made up
your mind, let's be logical.

Now, what are the
things you do well?

Well, I'm a good cook.

A fair cook?

- Good enough.
- Good enough to eat out.

- Next.
- Well, I'm a real good dancer.

Why, that's right. You are.

Why, I bet a dance studio
would hire you in a minute.

Yes, I could teach
dancing, couldn't I?

Well, you taught
Addison how to cha-cha,

and the only step he knew
before that was the minuet.

I wonder what Wilbur
will say if I do get a job.

Oh, well, I don't think he
really wants you to work.

He'll make you quit
after the first day.

That's what I'm counting on.

Come on. D for dancer.

All right.

So long, lucky.

Lucky? I b*at you fair.

That's three more
golf balls you owe me.

How could I
concentrate on my game

with you in that rainbow outfit?

Green sweater,
maroon shirt, blue pants.

Instead of a golf ball, I could
see was spots in front of my eyes.

Why do you think I
wore it? See you, boy.

Hi, Ed.

Get my TV set?

A color TV set would
be wasted on you.

Everybody knows that
all animals are color blind.

A rumor spread by the
makers of black and white sets.

No, it is an established fact.

We learned in zoology

that all animals are
color blind, unable to...

You shouldn't wear that green
sweater with those blue slacks.

Don't interrupt.

Animals can only
distinguish shades of gray.

Now, when you think
you see a color, act...

That was just a wild guess.

You get a load of
that maroon shirt.

You look like the
Scarlet Pimpernel.

According to
everything I've read,

horses aren't
supposed to see color.

A horse isn't
supposed to talk, either.

Anyway, you can't
have a color TV set.

It's too expensive.

Honey, I'm off to work now.

Oh, I left some cold
cuts and the potato salad

in the refrigerator for you.

Okay.

Wait a minute.

What's this about work?

Well, dear, I told you
I was getting a job.

I've got to run now.

I'll tell you all about it
when I get home tonight.

- If you're still awake.
- Now, hold it.

What kind of a job do you have?

- Guess.
- A welder?

I'm a dance instructor at
Miss Irene's in Hollywood.

- A dance instructor?
- That's right, honey.

Every evening from 5 to
10, Monday through Friday.

1, 2, cha-cha-cha.
1, 2, cha-cha-cha.

I'll make more than enough
to pay for the phone bills.

1, 2, cha-cha-cha.

1, 2, cha-cha-cha.

1, 2, cha-cha-cha.

1, 2, cha-cha-cha.

1, 2, cha-cha-cha.

1, 2, cha-cha-cha.

Hasta la vista.

Cha-cha-cha. 1, 2, cha-cha-cha.

1, 2, cha-cha-cha. 1, 2...

My wife got a job
at a dance studio.

Yeah? Well, let's
go down there tonight

and buy a dollar's
worth of tickets.

I don't like this, Rog.

I'm not gonna have
my wife dancing around

with a bunch of strange men.

Don't be foolish.

Why, you're playing
right into her hand.

- That's what she
expects you to do.
- She does?

Why, of course. But
you must fool her.

Let her work. Let
her find out for herself

how hard it is to earn a dollar.

Yeah. Yeah.

Mark my words, she'll
come crawling back to you

by the end of the week.

Yeah.

No chance she could crawl
back by tomorrow, is there?

Just give her
enough rope, my boy.

Let her realize how
hard you have to work

to pay for those phone bills.

That's right. I mean, she thinks

being a dance
instructress is an easy job,

but she'll find out.

I remember when I was
single, I went to a dancing school

to take some lessons on
how to rumba, you know?

There was this cute
redheaded teacher,

and I drove her home
after the third lesson...

And I'm gonna bring
Carol back right now.

No, you're not.

You're gonna stick to your g*ns.

Now, we'll have dinner
tonight, then we'll go bowling.

You're going to show her

you are not in the
least bit concerned.

Cha-cha-cha.

Maybe I can get a job, too.

Buy my own color set.

Now, let's see.

"Help Wanted: Women."

"Help Wanted: Men."

No "Help Wanted: Horses."

Discrimination.

Hey, here's one.

"Sell real estate by phone."

[laughs] That's me,

the untraveling salesman.

Ohhh.

Was it really that tough, Carol?

It was awful. Six beginners.

I was pushed, stepped on,
bumped and dragged around.

I feel like I've just survived
a buffalo stampede.

Well, remember, sweetie,

Wilbur is suffering
much more than you are.

Oh, sure. Mm-hmm.

Right now, he's bowling
his little heart out.

When I got home
a few minutes ago,

all I found was a note
and some corn plasters.

Oh, Kay, I think
I'll quit my job.

You can't quit.

I was against this, honey,
but, well, if you give up now,

Wilbur will never let
you hear the end of it.

- I know, but I...
- [car doors closing]

Here they come.

Remember what a
nasty laugh Wilbur has.

- Put these on. Quick.
- Oh.

Hey, Wilbur, you know,
Carol is gonna be exhausted.

I wouldn't rub it in too much.

Oh, why not? When
you got them down,

make them crawl. [laughs]

Gee, you've got a nasty laugh.

- Rog.
- Huh?

Come on in. Help me carry my
exhausted little breadwinner up to bed.

All right.

1, 2, cha-cha-cha.
1, 2, cha-cha-cha.

Oh, Kay, I wish
you'd been there.

It would've been so much fun
with you. You would've loved it.

Oh, Addison hasn't taken me
dancing in a thousand years.

- I'll have to teach him.
- She doesn't look like

she's ready to be
carried to bed, does she?

- 1, 2, cha-cha-cha.
- No. But you do.

- Don't look so worried. Smile.
- 1, 2, cha-cha-cha.

1, 2, cha-cha-cha.
1, 2, cha-cha-cha.

Honey, we're home.

Oh, hi, boys. Oh, what a night.

- You're worn out, huh?
- Oh, no, Wilbur.

Oh, I never knew work
could be so much fun.

Imagine being paid for doing
something you just... you just love.

- Isn't that swell?
- 1, 2, cha-cha-cha.

1, 2, cha-cha-cha.
1, 2, cha-cha-cha.

Uh, Carol tells me
she's been booked

for the next five weeks.

Five weeks?

[Carol] That's right, honey.

You won't have to worry about
that telephone bill anymore.

Honey, about the
phone and this job...

A great little wife
you've got there, Wilbur.

Not many women would be
willing to share the expenses.

Oh, that's right.

Oh, this kid is all
heart. Come on, doll.

Let's fix some coffee for
the boys. They look tired.

Come on, Kay. 1, 2, 3, la conga.

[together] 1, 2, 3, la conga.

1, 2, 3, la conga.

1, 2, 3, la conga.

1, 2, 3, la conga.

1, 2, 3, la conga.

1, 2, 3, la... Whoop!

[groans]

Rog, a $40 phone
bill isn't too bad.

If you give in now, she'll
never let you forget it.

She'll laugh at you
for the rest of your life.

And her laugh's nearly
as nasty as mine is.

You mark my words. In two
weeks, she'll come begging.

Two weeks? Before,
you said two days.

Ah, but remember, my boy,

the longer the fight,
the sweeter the victory.

Oh, fine.

I'm fighting, and she's dancing.

Good afternoon, sir.

I represent the Golden
Acres Real Estate Company.

The breathtaking
beauty of Death Valley

can now be yours.

Get in on the newest

and most exciting land
offering in the West.

[door closes]

I'll have to call you back, sir.

Hello, blue eyes.

Say, I like that yellow
sweater with a turquoise shirt.

Okay, so you're not color blind.

You're still not
gonna get that TV set.

And this is not turquoise.
It happens to be baby blue.

Well, snap my rompers.

You're right.

Look, I've been having trouble
with Carol the last few days.

One nag in the family is enough.

What if I paid for the
set with my own money?

Oh, you want to go to
work, too, like Carol?

- I might.
- Hmm.

Maybe I should call Miss Irene's

and see if they need
another dance instructor.

No. I've got four left feet.

Maybe you'd like to be
a waiter at the Turf Club.

Just, uh, don't be surprised
if I earn that money.

I wouldn't be surprised
at anything anymore.

I gotta get some of
my own work done.

Where are those
Winslow sketches?

Oh, Wilbur, I just saw Carol.

She told me to tell you that she
was going to the dance studio

in just a few minutes, and
she left a turkey in the icebox.

Oh, fine. While she's
dancing with some hot Latin,

I'll be snuggling up
with a cold turkey.

I'm gonna make her quit.

Don't weaken, my boy.
Don't weaken. As I told you,

it's just a matter of
two or three months...

- Months?
- Wilbur, when have I ever
advised you wrong?

Whe... Well, let's see.

We moved next door to
you on the 12th of April.

I'd say since the 12th of April.

All right. Fine. Fine.
Don't listen to me.

Go in there on you hands
and knees. Beg her to quit.

Give her free rein on the
phone. Humble yourself.

Wave the white flag.

Good thinking, General.

That is the worst thing
he could possibly do.

Now he's got me talking
to this dumb animal.

[laughs] Someday
I'm gonna answer him,

and he'll drop dead.

Carol, you still here?

Just leaving, honey.

How do you like my new outfit?

I picked it up at
Mayfair's this morning.

Well, at least that dress
has a nice high neckline.

What do you think?

You could rent out some of
this space in back for advertising.

Oh, honey, don't
be so old-fashioned.

This is the latest style.

But shouldn't you wear
something over it, like a dress?

Now, Wilbur, in my work,

it's important that
I look attractive.

Honey, I feel that one
worker in the family is enough.

Oh, well, darling, if you want
to quit your job, go ahead.

- [phone ringing]
- Excuse me, honey.

Hello? Yes, this is Mrs. Post.

Oh, how much is our
telephone bill up to yesterday?

What? $148?

- Oh, but there must be
some mistake.
- [mouths words]

Hello. This is Mr. Post.

What was that amount again?

$148.

Oh, the telephone's
been in constant use, huh?

Thank you very much.

But, Wilbur, I did cut
down on my phone calls.

Of course. And that big bill...

That was me making
phone calls in my sleep.

No, you never take
my word for anything.

[cries]

- [doorbell rings]
- [door slams]

Well, Mr. Reeves, come on in.

Thank you.

My goodness, we haven't seen you

since you sold us the house.

Yes, it's been almost a year.

You know, since then, I've
been made vice president

of the Golden Acres
Real Estate Corporation.

Well, congratulations.

Thank you.

Say, is Mister Ed
Post your father?

Is... Um... My father? Yeah.

Yes, yes. He gave
me this address.

Well, he does live here. Yes.

Oh, wonderful.

Well, I came over personally

to give him this
commission check,

and to thank him for the
bang-up job he's done for us.

He's been selling real estate?

By telephone.

Oh, he's got such a smooth line.

He even talked three
long-distance operators

into buying our property.

So he's been selling
on the telephone, huh?

Oh, your father's the greatest.

Why, we've got customers
coming from San Diego,

Oakland, Phoenix, Tucson.

There's no telling how
many people he's called.

$148 worth.

Well, he's not here right now,

but if you want, I'll give
him this commission check.

Oh, fine, fine.

Ooh, would you have your father
give me a ring when he comes in?

I'd like to offer him a job
training our sales personnel.

You know, put him
behind the desk?

You're gonna have a
little trouble with his chair.

I mean, he's the outdoor type.

I'll tell him.

Well, fine. Thank
you, thank you.

And goodbye, Mr. Post.

Mice to have seen you again.

Hope it isn't another year.

Well, thank you. I hope not.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

Is this the Tijuana operator?

Buenos días, chiquita.

I'm calling Pablo Chaves.

His number is...

dos, quatro, cinco, seis...

¿Cómo está, amigo?

Ed, do you know
that my phone bill

up to today is $148?

Well, this is my business phone.

It's deductible.

Do you know you caused a
fight between me and my wife?

I've been blaming her
for your phone calls.

[laughs] Imagine that.

She'll forgive you once she sees

we've got a color
TV set in here.

Oh, so that's it, huh?

Well, a Mr. Reeves from
the Golden Acres Real Estate

left this commission
check for you.

Oh, swell.

Well, how much is it?

$3.00 less than our phone bill.

Now, Wilbur, I didn't go
to work to pay your debts.

Listen, you touch that
telephone once more,

and you'll be playing the
lead in Death of A Salesman.

Just a second, honey.

What do you want?

Honey, I'm sure you didn't
make those phone calls.

I mean, if you say you didn't,

I believe you.

You didn't believe
me a few minutes ago.

You yelled at me.

Honey, I didn't mean anything.

I haven't been myself ever
since you started to work.

Well, if you told me
to quit, I'd have to.

Afterall, a wife should
do what a husband wants.

I want you to quit.

A woman's place is on the phone.

I mean in the home.

Why don't you call
the dance studio

and tell them you retired?

I already have.

Well, then where are you
going in that bikini evening dress?

[chuckles]

You knew I'd make you quit.

Well, I had the
feeling you would.

Buit just to make
sure, I resigned.

Well, how about the
last dance, teacher?

Ooh, excuse me, honey.

I've got to call Marge before
she gets to the hairdresser.

I want to make sure that she
gets Andre instead of Pierre.

Last week she got
Pierre. He did terrible job.

Oh, just terrible.

Hello. Marge?

Listen, the reason you
got Andre instead of Pierre

is because Tuesday
is Pierre's day off...

Ed, I got you a
little anniversary gift.

Oh, you shouldn't have.

But better late than never.

I'll give you three
guesses what it is.

Does it have to be hooked up?

Yeah.

Is it color?

Yeah.

A TV set?

No.

A green muzzle.

Ohh.

That ought to cut down
your sales pitch a little.

[muffled] Very funny.

Very funny.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪