02x11 - Ed and the Elephant

[bunniefuu]

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

Honey, everybody's
left the theater.

We can't stay here all night.

I wish I could have
caught The Great Mordini

before he left.

I'm still trying to figure out

how he raised that
elephant into the air.

I'm only an amateur magician,

but I know all the
principles of magic.

Okay. Let's see you whistle
and make our car appear.

Honey, I'm tired.

Carol, I'm going to try
to duplicate that trick.

Know where we can pick up
a used elephant real cheap?

Who says it has
to be an elephant?

- Mister Ed?
- Mister Ed.

Lever off.

[grunting] There.

Ah. It should be all set.

Oh, come on, now, Ed.

You can't possibly get hurt.

All I do is attach
this hook, see,

to the ring back here on
the back of your harness.

Then I press the
lever on the motor,

it pulls the cable, and
the cable raises you

a few feet off the ground.

[Mister Ed] I don't
hear a word you say.

Oh.

This cable is strong
enough to hold two horses.

Then get the other one.
This one is going to Mexico.

Ed!

Adios, amigo.

Ed, you can't get
hurt. It's simple.

You simply attach it
in the back like that,

and that's all there is to
it. Nothing can happen.

- [Carol] Wilbur.
- I'm in my office, honey.

Come in. I want to
show you something.

Whoa. Wait, wait.

Ed, what are you doing?

Ed, hold on to that lever!

Ed, put me down!

[continues shouting]

What would you
like for breakfast?

Two eggs over easy,
and get me down.

Wilbur. You come down
from there this minute.

What?

What are you doing up there?

Well, I was trying the
levitation trick on Ed,

and then something went wrong.

Wilbur, come down from
there before you get hurt.

Honey, would you push
that lever over there, please?

[grunt]

Oh, Wilbur, I can't. It's stuck.

Well, then you better get help.

Call somebody.

Ohh.

Roger! Come over here quick!

Maybe if you opened your belt.

Are you kidding? That's
what's holding me up here.

[Roger] What's... Huh?

[Kay] Wilbur!

Aren't you a little old
to be playing Peter Pan?

What's he doing up there?

Oh, he's trying
some magic trick.

Oh, Roger, please do something.

For your sake, my dear,

I hope he's carrying
flight insurance.

When you've stopped
being a wise guy,

would you mind
pushing that lever

and getting me down?

Never a dull
moment with this boy.

Here we go.

Hey, it's stuck.

Aah!

Wilbur, are you all right?

For heaven's sake,
you can't fly that way.

How do you get this thing off?

You could have lowered
me a little more gently.

I'm sorry, Wilbur, but
you're the first man

I've brought back
from outer space.

Wilbur, you are the
world's worst magician.

- [laughing]
- Yeah?

Well, I'm going to figure
out this levitation trick

if it's the last thing I do.

I have a feeling it will be.

Maybe I ought
to call the theater

and find out what time

The Great Mordini
finishes his last show.

What for?

You know how much I
want to learn this trick.

If he finds out I'm
an amateur magician,

he might just tell me.

Sometime I wish you'd
taken up a different hobby.

Next thing, he'll be
trying to saw me in half.

That's a pretty good idea.

Then I could claim
you as two dependants.

- Oh, honestly, Wilbur.
- Oh, come on, doll.

Hey, how about you two
joining us for breakfast?

Oh, no, thanks. Addison
and I have to go to the house

and finish our argument.

Oh, what are you two
fighting about this time?

I want to buy a little dog.

Kay, I told you I will not have

one of those hairy little creatures
running around my house.

Oh, look at him, Carol.
Isn't he a little doll?

Oh, a Chihuahua.

He's ridiculous.

He should be arrested
for impersonating a mouse.

Oh, now, Addison, be reasonable.

Chihuahuas are considered
very chic this year.

Then you should get another one

and wear them as earrings.

You should be proud to own him.

He's a genuine blue blood,
with a pedigree from Mexico.

I don't care if he
can do the cha-cha.

Get him out of here.

That thing is so small,
I'm afraid I'll step on him.

Oh, where's the man
on the flying trapeze?

He's been gone all afternoon.

He's been gone longer than that.

Boy, he's way out.

Mr. Mordini? Anybody here?

[knocking]

Mr. Mordini?

Excuse me.

I didn't know you were dressing.

Zelda!

I... I thought it was you.

Yeah, we thought it was you.

What's going on here?

Look, this is all my fault.

May I introduce myself?
My name is Wilbur Post.

I... I'm a magician, too.

I just dropped by here

to tell you how much
I enjoyed your act.

- And my wife.
- And your wife.

No.

No. You see, actually,

I just tried on your
hat and your cape,

and, you see, your
wife, she had no idea...

I mean, she thought
that I was you,

and, of course, you
couldn't blame her for...

Did you have a nice
audience tonight?

[knock on door]

Yes?

[Man] Long distance
telephone call.

See who that is.

So... you're a
magician, are you?

W-Well, no, not actually.

You see, actually,
I'm an architect.

[chuckle]

Although I have dabbled

in the art of, uh,
prestidigitation.

Heh heh heh.

Oh, you have a nice touch.

Uh, just a little rusty.

I think that elephant
levitation of yours

is the finest trick
that I've ever seen.

You're too kind.

It's, uh, very clever,

the way you've
concealed those pulleys.

Pulleys?

Oh, just kidding.

They don't use pulleys
anymore, do they?

Not since they
came out with those

concealed hydraulic lifts?

Mirrors?

Actually, I use a thin elephant,

and then I inflate
him with helium.

Of course, I don't
believe in levitation at all.

I suppose you
think I've got a nerve

trying to get you to
reveal your best trick.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

I mean, it isn't as if I'm
trying to steal your gimmick.

I was thinking of using a horse.

Oh, good, good.

Then my elephant will
be able to sleep tonight.

I was in my barn all morning,

trying to figure out
how do you do that trick.

Let's face it, I know
enough about magic

to realize that levitation
is strictly an illusion.

I mean, you can't
actually levitate anybody.

- I suppose you're right.
- Of course I'm...

Oh, no.

Do you still think
it's an illusion?

Yeah. But would you get me down?

[Zelda] Darling.

That call was from our agent.

He wants us in New York tomorrow

to set that European tour.

Fine. We'll take a plane.

See if you can
get us reservations.

Okay.

Oh. But where can
we leave Bongo?

Yes. What about that elephant?

Did you say you had a barn?

Yes.

My dear fellow magician,

can you see it in your heart

to take our elephant
for just a few days?

Oh, no.

When I return, I
might be willing

to show you my levitation trick.

What do you say?

My horse doesn't know it,

but he's about to
take in a boarder.

Come on.

[trumpeting]

Ed, look what I've got.

You can't let this
boy out of the house.

I want you to say
hello to Bongo.

He's going to be spending
a couple of days with us.

Not me. When I
want to rent out space,

I'll advertise in the paper.

Don't you start
getting temperamental.

I promised The Great Mordini
that I'd watch his elephant

till he got back to New York,

and I want you to
be nice to Bongo.

Well, just tell schnozzola
to stay out of my way.

[phone rings]

Excuse me, Bongo.

Hello.

Yes, Kay.

Oh, really?

Well, look, I'll be right
over and fix it for you.

Okay. Bye-bye.

I got to go, Ed.
It's an emergency.

I want you to take
care of Bongo.

Now I'm running a flophouse
for homeless elephants.

[growling]

[bark]

Down, boy.

Down. B-Boy, down.

- [growling]
- Down, girl?

I... I like dogs.

I... I'm... I'm very
fond of dogs. I...

- [growling]
- Help!

Take it easy, Rog.
Now that's a boy.

- Come on. There.
- Kay, I come home

and find myself att*cked

by this ferocious,
slobbering beast.

What are you
trying to do, k*ll me?

Take it easy, Rog.

I sent you back
with one dog today.

Only because you
said it was so small

you might step on it.

Now you bring one
here that steps on me.

I'm sorry. He must have
thought you were a stranger.

If h stays here,
maybe I will be.

Are you threatening to leave me?

Make up your mind, Kay.
Will it be me or that hound?

[growling]

Come, Malcolm. Mother
will fix your dinner.

Gee, I'm sorry, Rog.

I was rooting for
her to pick you.

Out of my way, you...
You animal lover.

Wilbur, I just met
Kay at the market,

and she told me
about Roger's leaving

and moving into a motel.

Yeah, it's too bad,

and all on account of that dog.

I have a feeling Kay may
have gone a little overboard.

Bringing home
such a large animal.

I agree. Bringing home a
monster like that for a pet

is really asking for it.

Wilbur!

What's that?

I think it's an elephant.

[trumpeting]

[lawnmower motor starts]

What are you going
to do next, Sabu,

manicure his nails?

Ed, will you be quiet?

He gets a bath. I have to
run through the sprinklers.

Stop being so childish.

You're wasting your time.

What he needs is a paint job.

What you need is a
muzzle over your mouth.

Hey, Bongo, me Tarzan.

[Tarzan yell]

[trumpeting]

Now look, Ed,
Bongo... [Tarzan yell]

[trumpeting]

[Mister Ed laughing]

Carol, help! Carol!

I'd better flee the
scene of the crime.

Help! Help! Help!

Oh, no. What trick
are you doing now?

I was washing the elephant.

Wilbur, how could
you let that magician

talk you into
minding his elephant?

I told you.

He promised he would
teach me his levitation trick

when he gets back.

So far, the only thing

that's been lifted
around here is you.

Honey, would you mind
picking up that ladder?

I don't want to hang
around here all day.

I still say bringing that
elephant here was a mistake.

Honestly, I don't know how
you get involved in these things.

Honey, it's only going
to be for a couple of days.

Now let's not argue.

But an elephant!

Honey, let's not quarrel.

Look what happened
to the Addisons

over a silly little
thing like getting a pet.

Poor Kay. She just feels awful.

I feel sorrier for Roger.

Poor guy, rattling around
all alone in some motel.

But they do love each other,
and they belong together.

Honey, why don't you
go have a talk with him?

Well, maybe I will
if it'll do any good.

Oh, come on, Rog.
Kay got rid of the dog.

Stop acting so stubborn.

It's too late.

She made her bed.
Now she can sell mine.

What happened to your thumb?

[sigh] The can opener slipped.

You see? You can't
get along by yourself.

I got along for years
before I ever met Kay.

Only because you
lived with your mother.

And she never had a dog.

Rog, come on, tell the truth.

When is the last time you ate?

I am about to have
my dinner right now.

Oh? And where is it?

You've been sitting on
it for the last 15 minutes.

It was a frozen chicken dinner,

and I thought that was
a good way to defrost it.

You're supposed to
put that in the oven.

I lit the oven 40 minutes
ago, and it exploded.

There must be some
way to defrost this.

There is. Either
take it back to Kay

or to a Turkish bath.

I am not going back to Kay.

Hey, uh, I'll put it
under the hot water.

Rog, I, uh, I saw
Kay this morning.

And she's heartbroken.

She is?

Oh, Rog, you can't
live alone like this.

I mean, you do
love her, don't you?

In a twisted, homicidal
sort of way, yes.

Then forget your
pride. Make up with her.

Never.

This should be defrosted by now.

[Bongo trumpets]

[trumpets]

Stop fooling around. I
want to get some sleep.

[growling]

If you weren't so big,
I'd give you a nice fat lip.

What are you doing?

And I told you to
leave this door open.

With you around, I
need plenty of fresh air.

Okay, now stay away
from me, you clown.

I was only kidding.

Uhh!

Can't you take a joke?

Oof!

Oh, that does it.

Let's go outside and
settle this like gentlemen.

Oof!

Get off my toes!

Wilbur!

Help! Wild elephant stampede!

Oh, get away from me!

Get him off of me, Wilbur!

Ohh!

Come on here.

Now, Bongo, you be a good boy.

Come on. Be a good boy now.

You shouldn't frighten Ed.

Who's frightened?

He's just a big bag of wind.

Now, Bongo, you be a good boy.

What happened, Ed?

Oh, he won't let me sleep.

I turned the light
off, he turns it on.

Would you rather
sleep outside, Ed?

Anything's better than this.

Okay. I'll get your
blanket for you.

Come on, Ed.

Hey.

What happened to your foot?

Twinkletoes just stepped on it.

I'd like to sue him for
every peanut he's got.

Poor old Ed.

He won't get away with this.

Do I get my blanket
back, or do I call the cops?

[sputtering] That does it.

Operator, get me the police.

Riot squad.

For heaven's sake,
what's going on here?

That big crook in there
rolled me for my blanket.

Oh, stop acting like a baby.

Then he tried to drown me.

Oh, he's just being playful.

Look at him. He's just a big,
good-natured, lovable clown.

[Mister Ed] I don't
see you laughing.

I see what you mean.

That big ape goes now, or I go.

Okay. I'll put him
in Addison's garage,

and he can spend
the night there.

Come on, Bongo.

Come on.

Come on.

[sigh]

Hmm.

[ring]

Yes, doll?

Kay, I'm coming home.

Oh, doll, that's wonderful.

I've been waiting for your call.

And, sweetheart,

if you want some little pet,

it's all right with me.

Oh, I'm glad you
said that, lover,

because I've found
the cutest little thing.

Well, you'll see it
when you get home.

[kissing]

You can't live with them,

and you can't live without them.

♪ [vocalizing] ♪

Anything wrong?
We saw the light.

No. Everything's wonderful.

My doll is coming home.

Oh, I'm so happy, Kay.

- [car drives up]
- Oh, there's Addison now.

I should have left the
light on the garage.

♪ [vocalizing] ♪

The garage.

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

A little pet, huh?

Kay, if I have to walk
that on a leash every night,

- we are through.
- But...

[Wilbur, Carol, and Kay laugh]

No, no. Bongo
was no trouble at all.

No, it was such fun having him.

Everybody loved the little pet.

- That's wonderful.
- I'm so glad.

We can't thank you enough
for taking care of our Bongo.

I should be thanking you
for showing me the trick.

I never would have
learned otherwise.

Glad to return the
favor, but remember,

you promised to tell
no one how it was done.

Oh, no. I won't
even tell my horse.

Oh, I'm glad to hear

that your Mister
Ed and our Bongo

got along so well together.

Oh, Ed's very fond of him.

Very, very fond.

[trumpeting]

This will teach you a
horse never forgets.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪