02x13 - Ed's Bed

[bunniefuu]

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

Hi, Ed. How you doing?

I'm dying.

That's nice.

[sighs]

Ah. Boy, the plans for this
Murdock house are coming along...

Dying?

You know that cold
you caught last week?

Yeah?

I caught it this week.

Oh, now just a minute, Ed.

Don't you blame me.

A horse can't catch
a cold from a human.

[Mister Ed sneezes]

Then why am I sneezing?

I'd better call the vet

and have him give
you a sh*t, huh?

Oh, no.

Keep that trigger-happy
quack away from me.

Wait a minute.

Look, Dr. Evans happens to be

one of the best men in town.

Then why didn't you
go to him for your cold?

Because I go to my own doctor.

Okay. I'll go to him, too.

He doesn't treat horses.

Why not? Tell
him it's your cold.

It just moved to
a bigger location.

Ed, take it easy for a
few days. You'll be fine.

Now, look, I've gotta
finish those Murdock plans.

Then Carol and I are going to
the ballet tonight with the Addisons.

Ah... ah... ah-choo!

Uhh, gesundheit.

Well, let's face it,
I'm sick as a dog.

Oh, and look at
those watery eyes.

And that red nose.

Ahh... I'm not
long for this world.

[sighs]

Wilbur, feel my head.

I think I'm getting a fever.

You won't let me call a doctor.

What can I do?

Well, you could nurse me

back to health with
your own loving hands.

Okay.

I'll go down to the drugstore

and see what cold
remedies they have.

Ah, good.

Remember, you're
fighting our germs.

Rog, I'm going to the
drugstore. Can I get you...

Hey, is that your new camera?

- Yeah. Isn't that a beauty?
- Mmm.

Wilbur, this lens
is so powerful,

I can take a picture of
a fly at a hundred feet.

Profile or full face?

With this beauty,
I'm a cinch to win

my club's photography
contest this year.

Well, I wish you good luck, Rog.

[whooping]

[chanting and drumming]

Ahhhh!

Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh.

How.

Me Indian maid,

come pose for
cheesecake picture.

She fell off a wagon train

when she was a papoose.

Roger, I think it's very nice

that Kay offered
to help you out.

See? He wanted to go out

and hire one of
those young models

to stand around
the beach in a bikini.

So I said, "Why waste your
wampum when you've got me?"

Well, he had to
admit I was right.

Of course, she was holding a
tomahawk over my head at the time.

Wilbur, I hope you don't
mind me using your yard.

I'm trying to get some
different backgrounds.

Oh, no. Help yourself. I
gotta go to the drugstore.

Oh, you're not sick?

We've been looking
forward to the ballet tonight.

No, I'm fine. It's Ed.
He caught my cold.

What? Why, that's impossible.

Horses can't catch
cold from humans.

Then why is he sneezing?

See you later.

All right, Minnehaha,
stand over there

about 6, 7 feet away.

Shade your eyes and
look off into the distance.

Make like an Indian.

All right, Great White Doll.

All right.

That's fine. Good. Good. Good.

Hold it.

What am I watching for?

Ohh... White settlers.
A herd of buffalo.

A traveling blanket
salesman, anything.

Yeah. That's right, sir.

Okay. Goodbye.

Feeling better, Ed?

The man at the drugstore
said this vaporizer

should clear your
cold up immediately.

[shivering] It...
It... It certainly did.

Ah-choo!

Take it away.

Okay.

This sunlamp feels good.

Am I getting a tan?

No. With your complexion,
you'll probably just freckle.

I don't know. This stuff
I got you should help.

You know what
would really help me?

What?

A nice hot bath.

Ahh, we've already
got a plug in our tub.

- [laughs]
- I've got three feet
in the grave,

and you're making jokes.

There isn't a tub in
town that could hold you.

You know anybody
who's got a heated pool?

Look, I got to get
Mr. Murdock's plans out.

We're going to
the ballet tonight.

Why don't you just
close your eyes, relax,

and take a nice, little nap?

Shouldn't I be
drinking lots of liquids?

Want me to get you some water?

No. No water.

My mother always said

hot carrot juice is the
only thing for a cough.

What cough?

[long wheezing cough]

Ed, we haven't
got any carrot juice.

I'd have to run clear into town
for that, and I haven't got time.

[coughing]

Remember, Wilbur, I
got this cold from you.

You know what your problem is?

You are a hypochondriac.

Yeah, I think I got
a touch of that, too.

Do I get my carrot juice?

All right, I'll get you
some carrot juice.

Oh, Wilbur,

no horse ever had
a better mother.

I try, Ed.

Oh, honey, which dress should
I wear to the ballet tonight?

Well, you'd look
pretty in all of them.

Carol, I gotta run into
town. I won't be long.

Oh, have you finished with
the plans for Mr. Murdock?

No, not yet.

I, uh... uh, well, I gotta pick
up a gallon of carrot juice.

Ed's getting worse.

Oh, Wilbur, honestly!

The way you spoil
that horse is ridiculous.

You didn't pamper me that way

when I had my
cold two weeks ago.

Well, you're not a dumb animal.

Neither is Mister Ed.

Ahh... ahh... Uhh,
it's still a little red.

All right, you germs in there,

I want you all out of
this horse by sundown.

Honey, if you could hear

poor Ed sneezing and coughing,
it would tear your heart out.

Wilbur, you know
I like Mister Ed.

But if he's so sick, why
don't you call Dr. Evans?

- That trigger-happy quack?
- What?

Honey, no. I mean, Dr. Evans,

he's too free and
easy with that needle.

I didn't raise my horse
to be a dartboard.

Oh, honey, when are you
going to stop spoiling that animal?

Well, look, I better get going.

I want to get back before
the freeway traffic gets heavy.

Now, don't forget,
Wilbur, don't be late.

I've been counting on
this ballet for weeks.

Honey, don't worry.
I'll be back in time.

[Carol sighs]

Uh, Carol?

Honey, if you get a chance,
look in on Ed, will you?

Oh, certainly.

And while I'm there, shall
I tell him a bedtime story?

Yeah. I think he'd like that.

[siren blaring]

[turns off siren]

[sighs]

Traveling kinda
fast, weren't you?

Yes, I'm, um,
afraid I was, officer.

See, I'm in a hurry to get home.

There's a sickness
in the family.

Your wife?

No, my horse.

Very funny.

May I see your
driver's license, please?

Yeah. I wasn't trying
to be funny, officer.

I mean, my horse really is sick.

He has, uh, he
has a terrible cold.

See, my wife gave it to
me, and I gave it to him.

Horses do not catch
colds from human beings.

Then why is he sneezing?

Would you mind taking
your driver's license

out of there, please?

Oh. Yeah.

Officer, I'm... I'm afraid
I'm in a terrible hurry.

See, we're, uh, we're
going to the ballet tonight.

You and the horse?

No, no. My... My wife and I.

And my horse
doesn't like ballet.

How does he know?

Has he ever seen ballet?

Only on television.

Your horse watches TV?

Well, just when I
watch television,

sometimes he watches with me.

Your horse lives in
the house with you?

Oh, no, no.

I live in the barn with him.

I mean, I work in the barn.

The barn is where
I do all of my, uh...

I'm... I'm an architect.

Uh, what's in the jug?

Oh, that's the carrot juice.

I'd like to smell the jug.

Yeah. Just...

If we miss this ballet tonight,

my wife will be furious.

[pop]

[sloshing]

Smells kind of funny.

Well, that's... That's
straight carrot juice.

None of that cut stuff.

My horse would know
the difference in a minute.

Would you mind stepping
out of the car, please?

That is, if you can.

Well, office... I'm all right.

Officer, you don't understand.

I mean, you're... you're making

a very big mistake
here, officer.

I mean, if... if...
If we're late for...

I mean, if I miss this ballet
tonight, I'll be in real trouble.

Would you mind blowing
up the balloon, please?

Officer, I have
not been drinking.

Start blowing.

You're making a
terrible mis... mistake.

Honey, you shouldn't
be sitting there in the cold.

That's right.

I should be
sitting at the ballet.

Honey, you... you have every
right in the world to be angry.

I guess you're wondering
where I've been.

In jail.

In jail?

Well, it's, uh,
it's a long story.

I passed the sobriety
test with flying colors,

but I had a little
bit of trouble

with the psychiatric
examination.

Oh, Wilbur, I knew when
you left the house today

something would happen.

Well, the Addisons have
left, we've missed the ballet,

and I hope that
precious horse of yours

enjoys his carrot juice!

[slam]

Negligee is very pretty.

Looks beautiful on you.

I'm sure you'd like it better
if it were a horse blanket.

Carol, I'm sorry about tonight.

Gee, I tried to explain.

That horse always comes first.

He does not.

Sometimes I wish he
were another woman.

Then I'd stand a chance.

Now, Carol, believe me...

Everything is for Mister Ed.

I just wish you cared
one-tenth as much for me.

I do!

That is, you mean just as
much to me as that horse.

More. More. More.

Look, sweetie, I'll
make it up to you.

We'll go to the ballet
tomorrow night, huh?

We'll eat out, and... And
then we'll go dancing.

Do a nightclub. Oh,
we'll really live it up.

[chuckling] Oh, Wilbur.

But what if Mister
Ed sneezes again?

Honey, if he's still
got his cold tomorrow,

I send him to a vet.

Oh, thank you, darling.

[chuckles]

[phone rings]

Oh. Who could
that be at this hour?

Hmm.

[ring]

Hello?

Wilbur.

Uh... I'm cold.

I got chills.

Well, there's, uh...

there's nothing I
can do about it now.

Bring me some blankets.

My teeth are chattering
so loud, I can't sleep.

[clattering like castanets]

Okay. I'll take
care of it right away.

Goodbye, Mr. Murdock.

Mr. Murdock? At this hour?

Yeah. Well, he, uh,
he suddenly wants me

to add a fireplace to
the master bedroom.

I think I better do it now.

Oh, darling.

How long will it take you?

Oh, just a couple of blankets...
Uh, a couple of minutes.

I'll be back before
you know it, dear.

There.

Ah, that's it, Ed.

Feel better now?

Yeah.

That chest rub really helped.

Good. Well, I'd better
get back to Carol.

I told her I'd only
be a few minutes.

Ohh... ohh... Ed?
What's the matter?

Now the chill has
gone to my tail.

Well, maybe I'll give you some
more nice, hot carrot juice, huh?

Yeah. The way I feel,
I can use a stiff drink.

[chuckles] Ed.

[Mister Ed shivers]

There we go.

Okay, Ed.

Okay, Ed.

Bottoms up.

Uh, can I have my straw?

- Ah.
- All right.

Thanks. [chuckles]

Mmm. [slurping]

[laughing] Good.

[sighing] Ahh...

Uh, now how about
one for the road?

Oh, no. You've had
enough. [chuckles]

You're feeling better, huh?

Yeah. Let me just
take your temperature.

[Ed] Ooh...

Open up.

I hope Mr. Murdock's
temperature is normal.

While I was here,
Ed caught a chill.

Why don't you throw him over
your shoulder and burp him?

Honey, I was just
coming up to bed.

Don't bother!

You can snuggle up
here with your sick friend.

[loud clomping]

Well, how do you like
Addison's latest brainstorm?

Very cute, Kay.

You know, last year, a picture

of a Mexican
dancer won first prize,

so he figures that foreign
girls are the answer.

Oh.

Are you and Wilbur
going on a trip?

No. We had a fight, and
I'm going home to mother.

Oh, now, wait a minute, doll.

If you have a fight
with your husband,

you don't go home to mother.

You bring your
mother home to him.

No, Kay, I'm through.

I'm tired of playing
second fiddle to a horse.

Say, Kay, I just got
some news about...

Uh, just a minute, Addison.

There's a real
domestic problem here.

Huh? Oh, now, Carol,

[chuckling] come on. I... I know

you're upset about not
going to the ballet last night,

but, well, you can't expect
a husband to be perfect.

Mine isn't even normal.

She has a point there.

Now, sweetie, don't
do anything rash.

You've only been
married for a short while.

It takes years
of living together

for a couple to really
hate each other.

Well, if Wilbur wants me back,

he'll know where I am.

[humming]

What is this, Carol?
Where are you going?

I'm going to visit
Mother for a while.

Maybe a few weeks.
Maybe a month.

Oh, now, that's being silly.

Oh. You spend the night
soaking that horse's feet,

and I'm silly!

Well, he happens to be sick.

I'm sick, too... sick of
your treating your horse

better than you do your wife!

Now, just a moment, both of you.

What's needed here
is a calm, cool head.

He's right. Where
can we find one?

Carol, Wilbur, this whole thing

can be settled in a
quiet, mature way.

Why don't you let some
unbiased party hear both sides

and then have him
tell you what he thinks?

Fine.

Okay with me.

All right. Now,
Carol, as I see it,

you hate that four-legged
bindle stiff out there,

a feeling which I share
with you completely.

Oh, I want a lawyer.

Roger, I don't hate Mister Ed.

I'm very fond of him.

What I object to is the
way Wilbur pampers him.

Surely as his wife,

I'm entitled to
a little attention.

Certainly, my dear.

Don't you want to hear
my side of the story?

No. In my opinion,

Carol is absolutely right.

You should be
ashamed of yourself,

the way you treat this girl
in such a shabby manner.

In my book, you're guilty.

And I'll help you carry
your bags to the station.

I can't say I haven't
had a fair trial.

Wilbur, if you are wise,

you will stop
pampering your horse

and start pampering your wife

and be kind and
gentle and sweet.

Come on, Kay. You've meddled
in these kids' affairs enough.

I've meddled?

Honey.

Well, I'm sorry,
dear. You're right. I...

I have been spoiling Ed, and...

I promise I'll stop.

Okay?

Do you mean it?

[chuckles] Word of honor.

Can I take these back upstairs?

- Uh-huh.
- [chuckles]

[Carol laughs] Ohh, honey.

Lead the way.

I handled that rather
nicely, don't you think?

My strategy worked perfectly.

Oh, very good, doll,
but why don't you

ever take the wife's side
when we have a fight?

My dear, we never have fights.

Our life is one long Cold w*r.

Come on. You'd
better take my picture

while I'm still speaking to you.

My dear, there has been
a slight change of plans.

I've just learned
that Charlie Morton

is going to judge this contest.

And his taste tends
more to animal pictures.

Okay. Find a tree
and get me a banana.

[door closes]

Hi, Ed.

How do you feel?

I think I'm losing the cold.

Good.

But I'm getting pneumonia.

Pneumonia?

Maybe you'd better fly
me to the Mayo Clinic.

Look. I nearly lost Carol.

She nearly left me.

And I'm gonna
stop pampering you.

If you're really
sick, I'll call a doctor.

No. No, I'll... I'll fight
our germs alone.

You know, Ed, you're
working too much.

I got over my cold in a
couple of days, and so can you.

How did you do it, Wilbur?

I just got into bed,
and I stayed there.

Okay, get me a bed.

Ed, you are a hypochondriac.

[door opens, closes]

Yeah. A bed.

I think it's a good idea.

Hello, operator.

Ed, we're finally
off to the ballet.

[chuckles]

Ed?

Ed.

Where did this come from?

Oh, this feels good.

I think I'll have breakfast
in bed tomorrow.

But, Ed, if Carol sees this,
she'll leave me for sure!

Feel this sheet, Wilbur.

Genuine silk.

This bed has got to go!

- Come on!
- Please, Wilbur!

I'm not wearing pajamas.

What am I gonna
do with this animal?

No!

[Addison] Wilbur.
Are you in there?

Not one peep outta you.

[snoring]

[exhales whistling]

Wilbur. The animal
picture I just thought of

- has got to win first prize.
- What picture?

I'm going to have Kay
stand on Mister Ed's back.

- It'll make a terrific sh*t.
- But... But, Roger...

Honey, it'll only
take a few seconds.

You see, Wilbur,
the beauty of this sh*t

is that it combines the girl...

Oh. Well, pardon
me, sir. I'm sorry.

Carol, start packing.

Ohh...

[sighs]

Wilbur, goodbye.

I'll drive you to the airport.

You're sick, Wilbur.

Very sick.

Just a minute!

You've been talking all day long

- about getting in a great
animal picture. Right?
- Yeah?

Hmm. I've gone
to all this trouble,

and this... this is
the thanks I get!

You mean this is
just for the contest?

That's right.

Wilbur, this is a
stroke of genius!

This can't miss! This
has got to take first prize!

I'm gonna get in this
picture if it kills me.

Move over, Ed.

Honey, we'll be
late for the ballet.

Oh, darling...

- Oh. Roger.
- Yeah?

When you finish with
that, would you mind

putting a couple of hot
water bottles next to his feet?

Right.

What?

Hi, Ed. How do you feel today?

In the pink, Wilbur.

It's good to be
on my feet again.

Mmm. How do you
like your new bed?

Oh, what a night.

When I was covered,
my tail wasn't.

And when my tail
was covered, I wasn't.

Then you didn't
like the bed, huh?

No. But the mattress
was delicious.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪