02x17 - Ed, the Horse Doctor

[bunniefuu]

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

Um...

[grumbles] A three-letter
word meaning rodent.

That should be easy for you, Ed.

That's a sneaky little animal
that's considered a pest.

Addison?

Oh, don't be funny.

It's a rat. R-A-T.

Okay, don't spell it.

I may be dumb,
but I'm not stupid.

What have you got
against Mr. Addison, Ed?

Mom taught us kids never to
trust a man with a mustache.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

That's... That's like not trusting
a horse because he has a tail.

Please, let's not split hairs.

Ed, you've got to learn
to love your neighbor.

This would be a much
better world to live in

if people would
love one another.

Now...

Okay, finish the sermon
and pass the plate.

Don't you act fresh with me.

When I'm talking to you, I
expect you to listen. Is that clear?

Please, holler, but don't hit.

I'm getting a little fed up with your
childish attitude toward Mr. Addison.

Ed, if there's one thing
I want to teach you,

it is to have respect for age.

I respect older horses.

You will respect Mr. Addison.

Okay, but I wish he'd
stop calling me an old plug.

He doesn't mean that, Ed.

I mean, he's only teasing
when he calls you a plug.

And I'm only teasing
when I call him a rat.

[Carol] Wilbur,
come out here quick.

Coming, honey.
I'll be right back.

Oh, Roger, she's just beautiful.

Thank you, Carol.

Every inch a champion
and worth her weight in gold.

Oh, Addison, I still can't
believe we own a race horse.

Roger, am I seeing
things? You bought a horse?

Please, this magnificent
animal is not just a horse.

Oh, I'm sorry. With those
four legs and that tail,

she sure had me fooled.

Well, Lady Linda happens to
be first class racing thoroughbred.

Roger says that she's
worth a small fortune,

and the best part of it...
She didn't cost him a cent.

Oh, did she follow you
home from the track?

I got her in a swap for
a piece of real estate

I've been trying
to unload for years.

What do you think
of her, Wilbur?

Oh, she's terrific,

but, Roger, I thought
you didn't like animals.

I don't, but I adore
money, and this little beauty

is my passport
to social security.

Addison says she's
won her first race already,

and there's just no
telling how far she'll go.

Rog, if you're stuck for a
place to keep Lady Linda,

she's welcome to
stay with Ed tonight.

You must be joking.

I wouldn't let this
pedigree thoroughbred

stay one minute with that
broken down old plug of yours.

[bells ring]

Now, wait a minute, Rog.

Ed is not an old plug.

His folks may have been
poor, but they were honest.

Well, thanks for
your kind offer,

but I don't think Lady Linda

cares to go slumming
with that fat saddle tramp.

As a matter of fact,

I'm entering her in a big race
at Santa Anita this Saturday,

and that is where
she will be courted.

This Saturday?

Oh, honey, we've got to go.

Roger, you shouldn't
call Ed names.

Why, he's every inch
as good as that horse.

Do you really believe that?

Yes, I really believe that.

After all, this is America,

where every horse has the
same opportunity to reach the top

regardless of race,
creed, or color.

Doesn't care to
go slumming, huh?

Calling me a plug. [grunts]

I should have said
"You can use a plug

to stuff up that big
mouth of yours."

[groans]

- [saddle bumping]
- Ed, what's going on?

[Mister Ed grumbles]

Come on, Ed.

Addison didn't
mean what he said.

If my mother heard him
calling me those names,

she'd wash his mouth
with saddle soap.

I know how you feel, Ed.

I sure felt like
telling him off.

Then why didn't you?

Why, if you proved
you could talk,

he'd never call you a plug.

So what?

So he'd call me a talking plug.

Calm down, Ed.

It's not good for
your blood pressure.

I hope that horse of
his loses every race.

Oh, now, let's not take
it out on Lady Linda.

She a... Ed, pretty nice
looking filly, don't you think?

Eh, just another pretty face.

Oh, come on now, Ed.

I saw you giving
her the once over.

Oh, she's okay for a fling,

but not the kind you
want to settle down with.

- Honey, guess what.
- What?

Roger has invited us to watch Lady
Linda work out at the track tomorrow.

That's fine. What time
do we have to be there?

5:00.

- A.m.?
- Mm-hm.

I wouldn't get up at
5:00 to watch a horse run

if the jockey was Lady Godiva.

[rooster clucks]

You know, Kay, I've
never been to the race track

at 5 in the morning before.

Neither have I.

I'm so excited, I didn't
sleep at all last night.

We didn't, either.
Did we, Wilbur...

Wilbur?

- Wilbur.
- Two eggs, fried.

- Whoo.
- Oh, honey.

Poor little thing.

Is it time to go home?

Lady Linda hasn't even
come out on the track yet.

Oh, I don't blame her.

Only people are stupid
enough to get up at this hour.

Here they come.

Come on, Lady Linda.

Well, here she is, Wilbur.

Look at her... Lady Linda.
Isn't she magnificent?

Right now I'd give you
$10 for that blanket.

Oh, Wilbur, I want you to
meet my trainer Whitey Morgan.

How do you do?
Ladies, how are you?

Jimmy, take her up
to the starting gate.

Let her come all out. I
want to see what she can do.

Okay, girl.

Yes, sir, if we get a
good workout today,

we'll know whether she's ready.

She'll be ready, and
after she wins Saturday,

we can run her in
Florida, Pimlico, Saratoga.

And then on to the
big win in Indianapolis.

- No, Kay. No.
- But why not?

Well, for one thing,

I don't want my horse
running against automobiles.

I don't know why, Rog.

After she wins at Indianapolis,

it's on to the
Newport Yacht Races.

Stop teasing her.

Here we go. She's
ready. Here we go.

Okay, Jimmy, let her go.

- ♪♪ ["William Tell Overture"]
- [bell rings]

[music slowing]

Oh, what happened?

Maybe she only runs when
people are betting on her.

Addison, why isn't she running?

How do I know?

I expect to make a lot of
money with this horse, Whitey.

Now, I want you to find
out what's wrong with her.

Yes, sir. I'll have the
track vet check her over.

I can't understand this.

Why, she won her last time out.

Wait, Wilbur knows
a lot about horses.

Honey, what do you
thin... Wilbur. Wilbur.

Make the bacon crisp.

- [Mister Ed laughs]
- What's so funny?

So Lady Linda turned out
to be a party pooper, huh?

She just didn't
feel like running.

Thoroughbred. [chuckles]

Maybe her pedigree
was too heavy.

Stop gloating, Ed.

It's not nice to laugh
at Roger's troubles.

It must be nice, Wilbur,
because I feel so good.

Here he comes.

[Mister Ed groans]

Any news, Rog?

The track vet can't find
anything wrong with him.

- That's great.
- No, it isn't.

For some reason the
doctor can't understand,

Lady Linda just refuses to run.

I'll have to take her out
of the race this Saturday.

Well, before you do that, Rog,

why don't you let Ed's vet
take a look at Lady Linda?

- Your horse's doctor?
- Oh, sure.

Doc Evans, he's one of
those old-fashioned vets...

You know, a real
lover of horses.

Why, you can call Doc Evans at 3
in the morning. He doesn't get mad.

Comes right away, huh?

No, but he doesn't get mad.

Wilbur, this Dr. Evans, does he
know anything about race horses?

Only how to treat them.

He loses every time
he goes to the track.

I'll give him a call right now.

[horse whinnies]

That's a good girl.

Now, open up wide.

Open up wide. That's it.

You know, Doctor, it
could be her tonsils.

How about a wisdom tooth, huh?

Have you checked her sinuses?

Mr. Addison, please.

You'll have to excuse
him, Doc. This is his first.

Isn't there something I can do?

Hey, come on. We'll
boil some water.

Yeah, we... boil water?

I think a cup of tea
might calm you down.

Well, tonsils fine.

Teeth are sound.

Now we'll check her pulse.

Well, how about
her feet, Doctor?

Her arches might be bad.

Her horseshoes
might be too tight.

Rog, I never knew you could
be so worried about a horse.

I'd be worried about a gopher

if I had this much
money invested.

Well, what do you say, Doc?

Seems to be in good
shape. Pulse is not racing.

Neither is the horse.

There must be
something wrong with her.

Why won't she run,

and how do you explain
the fact that she's not eating?

Mr. Addison,

medical science can
only tell us so much.

Now, physically,

this animal is in
excellent condition.

From all appearances,

Lady Linda's trouble is mental.

Oh, fine. Now I've got to
put her through analysis.

It's not as strange
as you'd think.

Many animals suffer illnesses
that are purely psychosomatic.

That's right. You take my horse.

There's a real hypochondriac.

One sneeze and he's
ready to make out his will.

You know something?
It's my feeling

that that animal is
brooding about something.

About what?

I don't know.

You're an animal doctor.
You ought to know.

Well, if I knew what
was on her mind,

I could help her,

but unfortunately
animals can't talk.

Good day.

Animals can't talk, huh?

What?

What did you say, Wilbur?

Don't give up yet, Rog.

We may find out before
Saturday what's bothering Linda.

But, Ed, Roger's in trouble.

Why don't you talk to Linda
and find out what's bothering her?

Nope. I wouldn't raise one
little hoof to help that man.

Don't be like that, Ed.

You should let
bygones be bygones.

Try to love thy neighbor.

Not when thy neighbor's a creep.

Oh, Ed.

Old plug. [grunts]

He hates me.

He does not hate you.

It's just that Roger
doesn't understand animals.

- And I don't understand creeps.
- Please, Ed.

Wilbur, let's knock it off.

Ed, Roger has a big
investment in Linda.

Now, you don't want to
see him lose it all, do you?

Yep.

Let me rephrase that.

It's true that he said a lot
of mean things about you,

but, Ed, you should forgive him.

After all, you're
bigger than he is.

Mentally, of course.

Let's forget about Addison.

Now we're getting some place.

Let's think about Linda.

Linda... something on her
mind that is really bothering her.

You want to help her, don't you?

I wish you could
see that poor horse.

I mean, she's just
dragging her feet around

and moaning and sighing
and oh, sigh... not eating.

Not eating. She's all upset.

All right. I've always been
a sucker for a sob story.

You won't regret it, Ed.

Well, that remains to be seen.

Ed, what did you find out?

Did Lady Linda say anything?

I've got a crying horse in
here, Wilbur. Now, please.

- Morning.
- [horse snorts]

Ed, I can't stand the suspense.
What's wrong with her?

Same old story.
She's carrying a torch.

Oh, love affair, huh?

She's got it bad,
and that ain't good.

What happened?

She said she was in love
with a horse at Pimlico,

but her stable
shipped her out here.

Well, that's race biz.

Yep, same old story.

Boy meets girl. Boy loses girl.

Girl loses weight
and all that jazz.

Yeah. Well, listen, Ed.

Tell her... Tell her the only
way to get over a broken heart

is to lose herself in her work.

Tell her to think about
nothing else but racing,

morning, noon, and night.

Check.

[horse grunting]

[whinnying]

[snorts]

Ed, how you doing?

Worst advice you
could've given her.

She didn't like it, huh?

Hated it.

She's blubbering
all over the place.

Better try another angle.

Uh, tell her the quickest
way to get over a broken heart

is to find another
love interest.

Another love interest, huh?

Yeah, tell her, "Honey,
you're lovely. You're young.

"Why, there isn't a
horse in the world

that wouldn't flip over
anything as gorgeous as you."

Aw, kiss me, Wilbur.

Oh, come on, Ed. You
get in there and tell her.

[horse snorts]

[grunting]

Wilbur.

Well?

She's stopped bawling.

That's great, Ed.

And she forgot all about
that horse at Pimlico.

Wonderful.

What's wonderful?

Now she's in love with me.

I've got this poor
dame on the rebound.

Well, they say, Ed, the patient
always falls for the doctor.

[horse grunting]

Give her a good ride, Jimmy.

[bell rings]

Boy, look at her fly.

I never saw such a
change in a horse.

I wonder what happened.

Love is a many-splendored thing.

[Wilbur] Atta girl.

You eat, Lady Linda, so
you'll be good and strong

for the race this Saturday.

[Addison] Wilbur.

Hey, Wilbur, I had
a call from Whitey.

He said she had a
sensational workout. Is it true?

Rog, she ran around
that track so fast,

she nearly caught her own tail.

Oh, boy, is that a
load off my mind.

- Look at the way she's eating.
- Yeah.

What's that plug of
yours doing in there?

Ed is keeping her company.

Well, I think you've
got a lot of nerve

bringing that saddle
tramp here to mooch hey.

Now, wait a minute, Rog.

Wilbur, I told you before

I don't want that fat
clown around my horse.

The reason Linda
is feeling so well

is because she happens
to be very fond of Ed.

What?

And if you want
to win on Saturday,

you'll let Ed stay here
until after the race.

Will you please get that
oversized fleabag out of there

before my horse
catches something?

All right, Rog, we're going,

but don't you charge
me for that hay.

Your horse invited
my horse to lunch.

Excuse me.

Now, Wilbur, I think
you're being foolish

not going to the race Saturday
over a silly little quarrel.

I wouldn't like it if
they called you names.

That's different. I'm your wife.

And he's my horse.

Don't hold it against him

just because he has
no marriage license.

Addison, Wilbur's very angry.

I think it was childish of you

to call his horse
all those names.

I did not call that
broken-down plug any names.

Kay, will you please excuse me?

I'm trying to concentrate
on this racing form.

Oh, doll, I'll feel just awful

if Wilbur doesn't come
with us this Saturday.

Now, please, lamby,

please go over and
apologize next door.

I will not.

Number 1, I have
nothing to apologize for.

Number 2, he
insulted my intelligence

when he told me his
horse is responsible

for Lady Linda
regaining her form.

Number 3... Will
you get off my lap?

You're cutting
off my circulation.

Believe me. He's
going to be sorry

if he doesn't get
out there Saturday

and place a sizable
wager on Lady Linda.

[doorbell rings]

I'll get it, lover boy.

According to the chart, Lady
Linda should win in a breeze.

[Man] Hello, Mrs. Addison.
Is your husband home?

- Yes. Come in.
- Thank you.

Oh, Mr. Addison, I'm afraid
I have some bad news.

Bad news?

I just gave Lady
Linda her workout.

Did a mile in 1:38.

Well, that's pretty
good, isn't it?

A minute and 38 seconds?

This was one hour
and 38 minutes.

And hour and 38...
Well, what happened?

Just went into the
middle of the track,

lay down, and wouldn't move.

We had to get a horse van
to get her back to the barn.

- What's wrong with her?
- I don't understand it,
Mrs. Addison.

She was doing fine till
Mr. Post took his horse away.

Hm.

Now, just a minute.

Don't try to tell me

that Mr. Ed was responsible

for Linda's sudden
change this morning.

It could be.

You know, a lot of race
horses have stable pets

and barn mascots.

They just won't run
when they're separated.

Oh, I can see it all now.

What a picture.

Lady Linda and Mister Ed
trotting down the bridal path,

and you can give
the bride away, Doll.

Do you seriously believe
that Lady Linda won't run

unless that horse is with her?

I think you better get
him back in with her

as soon as possible.

Excuse me.

Hello, Wilbur, my boy.

Hello.

Wilbur, you know when
people are friends, neighbors...

Well, what I mean is when
people have a little argument

and one of them
realizes he's been a fool,

well, it takes a big
man to apologize.

Well, I'm not going to.

I didn't mean you.
I said a big man.

Not that you aren't, Wilbur,

oh, no, no, not that you aren't.

What I'm trying to say, Wilbur,

is that I'm sorry for the unkind
things I said this morning.

You don't owe me
any apology, Rog.

Oh, thank you,
Wilbur. Thank you.

You owe it to Ed.

You expect me to
apologize to a horse?

Why not?

You made a fool out of
him in front of Lady Linda.

But he didn't understand
what I was saying.

That is where you are wrong.

Animals can tell by the tone of
your voice how you feel about them.

Ask anybody who owns
a cat or a dog or any pet.

Wilbur, I'll be frank with you.

Since Mister Ed left, Lady
Linda has had a relapse.

- She has?
- Mm.

And I'd like Mister
Ed to go back to her.

I'm sorry, Rog. Ed
isn't a horse doctor.

Besides, I wouldn't want
Lady Linda to catch anything.

Oh, please, Wilbur.

Please, I've got a lot of
money invested in that animal.

Let me have your
horse until this Saturday.

All right, go take him.

Oh, thank you,
Wilbur. Thank you.

Come on, Ed. Come on, Ed.

Let's go, boy. Come on...

Come on, Ed. Let's go.

Ed, let's go. He won't go.

Of course not.

He thinks you don't like him.

Well, how can I let
him know that I do?

By showing him a little
love, a little affection.

Talk to him, Rog, in a low voice

and tell him how
much you like him.

Hello, Mister Ed.

I'm your friend.

I don't think you're
an old plug. I think...

What am I doing
talking to a horse?

People will throw a net over me.

Rog, keep it up. You were
just beginning to get to him.

I am?

Yeah. Keep pitching.

Keep pitching.

And Rog... straight
from the heart.

Hello, Ed.

We're friends now,
aren't we, Mister Ed?

Atta boy.

Now, you come along, Ed.
Come along with old Rog.

Come on, Ed. Come on, Ed.

Ed.

Why won't he go?

- You didn't kiss him.
- Kiss him?

I always kiss him.

I absolutely refuse to kiss him.

Rog, how much money
do you stand to lose

if Lady Linda never runs again?

Turn around.

Turn round.

Now, ask him to go with you.

Come on, Mister Ed.
Come on with Rog.

Hey, it worked. he's moving.

Come on, Ed. Thank you.

Come on, Ed. Hey, it worked.

Come on, Ed.

♪♪ ["First Call" on bugle]

[crowd chattering]

[crowd yelling, rooting]

Boy, that was some race.

You should be
proud of Lady Linda.

Oh, I am. We're going to
make a fortune with her.

Aren't we, doll?

She has just won her
first and last race for me.

- [Carol] Roger.
- Roger, what are you
talking about?

Before the race, I sold
her to the Newport Stables.

What for?

If you think I'm going to spend

the rest of my life kissing
that old plug, you're crazy.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪