02x21 - Bald Horse

[bunniefuu]

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

Have you decided what stable

you want us to board you at?

Not yet.

Carol and I leave
for San Francisco

this Friday, you know.

Well, I'd like to pick one

where the fillies really swing.

Va-va-va-voom.

Been checking
your filly file, huh?

Yeah, my little black book.

Names and addresses

of the most gorgeous
fillies in town.

I wish you'd make up your mind.

We haven't got much
time before we leave.

Yeah. This is the one.

A little Swedish armful.

Where is she staying?

Briarcliff Stables, Stall 5.

Just, uh, put me in 6

and... heh heh...
Throw away the key.

[chuckling]

Then you've
decided on Ilsa, huh?

Yeah.

It'll be a weekend
of smorgasbord.

Ho ho ho ho!

Well, I'd better put
this back in my vault.

- [knocking]
- Come in.

- Oh, Wilbur.
- Oh, hello, Kay.

Hi, sweetie. I've
just got to talk to you.

What did Roger say about your
going to San Francisco with us?

That's what I came
to see you about.

Sit down, Kay, sit down.

Oh, he came home
in a terrible mood.

Yeah? What happened?

Well, he went downtown
to pay a traffic fine,

and when he crossed
the street to the court,

he got a citation
for jaywalking.

- Two tickets, huh?
- Three.

When he got to his car, he
found one for overparking.

He's got to take it easy.

Any more tickets like that,

he won't be able to
drive, walk, or stand still.

Oh, Wilbur, I'm dying to go away

with you and Carol this weekend,

but, well, I wish you would try

to get Addison in a better
mood before I ask him.

You mean cheer him up?

Well, at least get
him to stop crying.

Leave it to me, Kay.

I'll plead your case with Rog.

You just get packing right now.

Oh, thanks, sweetie.

San Francisco, here I come.

I just said start packing.

Let's hope it's not for Reno.

- Ha ha ha ha.
- Come on, Kay.

Hi, Rog.

How about hitting
some golf balls, huh?

No. With my luck,

I'd get arrested for
as*ault and battery.

Yeah, I heard about
those three tickets.

It was incredible.

Every time I turned
around, I got a citation.

The mayor must have
gotten up this morning

and proclaimed it
"Get Addison Day."

Now, Rog...

Making a left-hand
turn too soon,

jaywalking, overparking.

I'm not going to
go to bed tonight.

I might get picked up for
sleeping on the wrong side.

I'm glad to see you haven't
lost your sense of humor, Rog.

Yeah, I always say

the man who can laugh
at his own misfortune,

he's... uh, he's...

Well, he's not you, is he, Rog?

Three tickets. It's
a vicious circle.

They take the money from you

so they can buy
faster motorcycles.

Come on now. Stop crabbing.

You think you got troubles?

I got a friend, Rog.

He got six jaywalking
tickets in one afternoon... six.

You know what happened to him?

They revoked his shoes.

Wilbur, go home.

Rog, come on, cheer up.

You know what I do
when I get this depressed?

I take my wife for a trip.
That's what you ought to do.

That's a good idea. And you
can take my wife someplace.

No, no, now, Rog.
Here's a thought.

Why don't the four of us go to
San Francisco this weekend?

No, thank you. My wife
goes berserk on a trip.

To her, any new store is
a challenge to my wallet.

Oh, Kay's not that bad.

Are you kidding?

The last time we
were in San Francisco,

she went out pricing cable cars.

You know, uh,
Wilbur doesn't mind

taking Carol to San Francisco.

Forget it, Kay. We
have a lovely home here.

There's no reason
why we can't stay here

and enjoy it like
other people do.

This gadding...

What in the world is this?

Oh, it's a switch I
bought at Andre's.

How do you like me
with my sunburst ponytail?

Aren't you wearing
it on the wrong end?

- You don't like it.
- On a pony, yes.

On my wife, no.

But it only cost you $25.

Take it back.

- I will not.
- Then I will.

Well, um, all right, doll.

You're the boss. Back it goes.

I don't like the sound
of that quick surrender.

Well, you know
how I feel, angel.

In marriage, you've
got to give and take.

Exactly.

So I give you a ponytail,

and you take me
to San Francisco.

Kay, you have a one-track mind,

but that track will not get
you out of Los Angeles.

You know, last year,

when the four of us
planned a trip to Las Vegas,

you agreed to go.

Reluctantly.

But then Mister Ed took sick,

and Wilbur called
the whole thing off.

Well, we saved money
by not taking that trip,

so why can't we take this one?

You know, it's remarkable

the affection Wilbur
has for that animal.

That old plug just
sneezed a couple of times,

and Wilbur called
the whole thing off.

Uh, my dear, we will
go to San Francisco.

Addison! You mean it?

Absolutely. You
were right, my dear.

If Wilbur and Carol
go to San Francisco,

so will we.

Oh, you're wonderful, doll.

Now, uh, what about my ponytail?

I will trot it back
to Andre myself.

Get you looking
nice and handsome

for this Swedish filly.

[Addison] Wilbur.

Wilbur!

Kay and I are going
with you to San Francisco.

That's wond... She
talked you into it, huh?

- Money's only money.
- Sure.

After all, you
can't leave it all

to those motorcycle
cops, can you?

No.

Uh, Wilbur,

why are Mister Ed's
eyes so bloodshot?

Huh?

They're not bloodshot.

No? Look again.

Oh, maybe just a little bit.

I keep warning him

about those all-night
alfalfa parties.

He's all right. Come on, Ed.

You, uh, still want to
drive to San Francisco

instead of taking the plane?

Oh, yeah. Oh, by all
means, Wilbur. I think so.

Uh, you know, we
drive up the coast route.

We can see all the scenery.

It's very beautiful
along 101 up there.

Uh, we could stop
off along the way

every once in a while,

and, uh, not only that,

but when we get to San
Francisco, you know,

we'd have the car there,

and, uh, you know,
it's a big town.

It would save us a lot of money.

We can use our car
instead of hiring cabs.

And I think all in all,

it'll be a much
more enjoyable trip.

I think that's a
pretty good idea.

We should get a good
early start, you know?

Uh, excuse me.

Isn't that horse losing
an awful lot of hair?

Gee, he never lost
this much before.

I wonder if anything's wrong.

I knew it the minute I
saw those bloodshot eyes.

That is a very sick animal.

He doesn't act sick.

Wilbur, now, I'm not a doctor,

and I don't want to worry you,

but when a horse starts
losing hair that rapidly,

well, it doesn't mean
that fall is approaching.

Maybe I ought to call a vet.

Yeah.

Oh.

I hope this isn't
going to spoil our trip,

but I can understand your
concern about the animal.

Tsk tsk tsk tsk.

He certainly is losing
an awful lot of hair.

Uh...

Oh, no.

- I'm getting bald.
- No, you're not.

It's coming out in bunches.

In two weeks, I'll be a nudist.

Ed, now please,
don't get hysterical.

Wilbur, I'm afraid to look.

Do I still have a tail?

Oh, of course you do.

Now will you calm down?

Please. You're
yelling at a sick horse.

Ed, don't worry
about a thing, see?

I'll take you to the vet.

If he says there's
anything wrong with you,

I will not leave you
alone this weekend.

Bless you, Wilbur.

Well, there goes my
glorious weekend with Ilsa.

Don't worry. You'll have
other weekends with her.

Not for me.

She doesn't go for
horses with toupees.

How much hair would
you say fell out, Mr. Post?

Oh, I'd say enough to make
two or three full-size beards.

That much, eh?

Well, for goodness' sake.

I didn't notice any bare spots.

Well...

I found the hair
by his hind legs.

[whispering] By his hind legs?

You don't think he
could be losing his tail.

Oh, I doubt that, Mr. Post.

Let me get his medical record.

Say, why are we whispering?

Well, you started it.

I did?

Well, for goodness' sake.

Excuse me. I'll be right back.

The doctor's gone to
get your medical record.

Why were you two whispering?

Whispering?

I can take the truth, Wilbur,

unless it's bad.
Then don't tell me.

Now, Ed.

We don't know
what's wrong with you,

but it's nothing.
Ed, you look great.

I bet in the last two months
you've put on 20 pounds.

But now 1 ounce
of that was hair.

Take it easy, Ed. You're
going to be all right.

There.

Careful, Wilbur.

Rub with the grain.

Oh. Sorry.

- Uh-oh.
- What's the matter?

Here comes a filly
I know. Hide me.

What?

That's Jenny, an
old blabbermouth.

If she finds out
about my condition,

I'll be the laughingstock
of the bridle path.

Oh, excuse me. Is Doc Evans in?

He'll be right back.

He just went to get
my horse's chart.

Oh? Something wrong with him?

Wrong? Oh, no, no, nothing.

Nothing wrong.

He's just having a checkup.

How about old
blabberm... uh, your horse?

Oh, same thing. Checkup.

That's the only way
to keep them healthy.

I've owned horses for 20 years,

and I've seen just about
every ailment you can imagine.

No kidding.

Well, look, this friend
of mine has a horse

that's losing its hair.

[whinnying]

I said this friend of mine.

Yes, I heard you.

Losing his hair, huh?

Well, that doesn't sound
like anything to worry about.

I wouldn't say that.

See, this horse is very
fond of the little fillies.

- Oh. [laughing]
- [laughing]

And you know what they say...

When you're bald, romance
goes out the window.

I've got a beautiful
wife and six children.

Yeah, well, you know,

uh, women are more
tolerant than horses.

No. Uh, uh...

Well, women see
other things in men...

Uh, money...

No, not necessarily
money. I mean...

Well, I mean just
because you lose your hair,

a man can still be attractive,

if he, uh, wears a hat.

Eh, oh, you know, you
don't have to wear a hat.

I mean, a wig... a wig is nice.

No, I... I mean, uh...

Six children. That's wonderful.

Huh.

Oh, hello, Mr. Saxon.

I'll be with you
in a few minutes.

Oh, uh, do you... Do
you know Mr. Post?

Just to say goodbye to.

I'll pick up Jenny
in about an hour.

Oh, fine. Fine.

Oh, uh, oh, Mr. Post,

I've been looking
over Mister Ed's chart,

and I find no history
of mites or mange.

I will have to give him

a complete examination,
though, however.

Uh. Oh. You're not
going to examine him

in front of her, are you?

Why not?

Well, he's a little bit shy.

Shy?

Doctor, would
you take a physical

in front of a strange woman?

But that's a horse!

I know we seem to be living

in an age of declining morality,

but don't you
think it's refreshing

to find a horse with
a sense of modesty?

Look, Mr. Post, yesterday,
in this same barn,

I examined at the same time

a collie, male, a
poodle, female,

a bull, a heifer, a
hen, and a rooster.

And in spite of the mixed crowd,

I was not arrested

for throwing a wild
Hollywood party.

I'm sorry, Doctor. I
was just a little bit upset.

Uh, why do you think...

[whispering] Why do you think

he's losing his hair?

I can't tell until I see a
sample of what fell out.

I'll send it to you.

Meanwhile, is there any
treatment I can give him?

Well, you can use the
usual home remedies

Until I make a
complete diagnosis.

Say, wait a minute.

Did I start us whispering again?

Certainly did.

Well, for goodness' sake.

I guess I haven't
been myself lately.

Goodbye, Doctor.

[whispering] Goodbye.

I mean goodbye!

Let's go, Ed.

Come on, Ed. Come on, let's go.

[Mister Ed laughing]

Hey! Ha ha!

Hey, ha ha.

Wilbur, stop that. It tickles.

And I'm in no
condition to laugh.

This vibrator will
improve your circulation.

It's good for your follicles.

[laughing]

Who needs
follicles? I need hair.

Let me get the tail here.

This seems to be
the trouble spot.

Whoop! Wilbur.

Say, when my tail goes,

how am I going to
keep the flies away?

Don't worry. That won't happen.

Well, what if it does?

I'll just tie a flyswatter
on what's left.

[Mister Ed laughing]

What's inside
that spray, Wilbur?

Lanolin.

You better use glue. I
want to keep what I got.

Look, Ed, I was reading
a book on baldness,

and it said that baldness
can be hereditary.

Now, do you know if
your grandfather was bald

- or your great-grandfather?
- I don't know.

I never met them.
They lived in Mexico.

- Uh-oh.
- What's the matter?

Wilbur, among horses,

is there such a thing
as a Mexican Hairless?

Oh, I don't know.

Easy with the
scrub brush, Wilbur.

The book said to shampoo
and rub vigorously.

When your hair is
loose, you don't rub.

You pat gently.

Tell you what? After lunch,

I'll take you for a
ride in the park, huh?

You'll see. Those fillies will
still be giving you the eye.

Not when old blabbermouth Jenny

begins spreading the word.

Stop gabbing.

I want to get finished here, Ed.

Wilbur, what in the
world are you doing?

[Kay] Oh, look, Addison.

I'm giving Ed a bubble bath.

Wilbur, I hope Ed's
feeling a little better.

We'd like to get an
early start in the morning,

around 7:00? What do you say?

Well, I don't know, Rog.

If I get a bad
report from the vet,

I don't think I should leave Ed.

Oh. Oh, that's a shame.

Honey, you promised we'd go.

Honey, we got to consider Ed.

At the rate he's losing hair

in a couple of weeks he'll
look like a plucked chicken.

Oh, we'll be back before then.

Of course. I wouldn't miss
Ed's unveiling for anything.

[cough, sputtering]

[Women, Wilbur laugh]

Give me a
handkerchief, somebody!

Aah... aah... aah!

Ed, what did you stop for?

I feel chilly, Wilbur.

You sure I didn't drop some
more hair along the way?

Oh, sure. Come on, Ed.

Look, I want to
stop at the snack bar

and get a bite.

But look who's standing there.

That's Wilhelm II and Dolores.

Ed, how could they possibly
have heard about you?

Are you kidding?
With Jenny's big mouth,

they know about me from
Santa Anita to Hialeah.

Look, Ed, you look
the same as ever,

even better.

Hey. Maybe those
treatments checked it, huh?

Sure, they did. Come on, Ed.

And look, when you
walk up to those horses,

keep your head high.

Well, not too high.

Wouldn't want my
mane to slip off.

Come on, Ed, come on.

Don't worry about Dolores, Ed.

She's smiling at you.

Smiling or laughing.

I'll get you a ham sandwich.

- No mustard.
- Hold the mustard. Okay.

Hmm.

[nickering]

[whinnying]

Ed.

Ed, come back here!
I've got your sandwich!

Ed!

I'd never thought
I'd be doing this.

Was there a phone call from...

What are you doing here?

Ed, why are you throwing
away your little black book?

I'm through with fillies.

You are? Why?

Mainly because
they're through with me.

Now, Ed,

just because a couple
of horses laughed at you.

They're all laughing
at me, Wilbur.

Please send me away.

Send you away. Where
would I send you?

To Indian country.

At least I could
say I was scalped.

Ed, I feel perfectly
sure that you're cured.

Look, look.

See? There's nothing coming out.

Nothing's coming in, either.

Well?

Have you reached a decision?

Are we making the trip or not?

I'm afraid it's off.

You know how Wilbur
frets over Mr. Ed.

It wouldn't be worth it.

Right now I'd give
that horse all of my hair

to make the trip.

Well, I think it's
a rotten shame.

I had my heart set
on this weekend.

Oh. Poor doll.

Well, maybe we'll
go by ourselves.

Oh, no, no. No.

I wouldn't dream of it.

You'd have a
miserable time with me.

Carol, about this
trip... I know, I know.

I've already told the
Addisons we're not going.

Wilbur, I'm surprised at you.

Just because that old
plug lost a few measly hairs.

Few measly hairs?

You were there. You saw them.

In fact, you found them.

- [phone rings]
- Excuse me.

Hello.

Oh, yes, Dr. Evans.

What?

But how could that be?

Yes. All right.

Thank you very much.

Wilbur, what did the doctor say?

He says that the
hairs I found near Ed

were human hairs.

[Carol] Human hairs?

Yeah, he says somebody's
playing a joke on me.

Who'd pull a trick like that?

Obviously, it was one of us.

Now, to spare this person
any embarrassment,

why don't we just close our eyes

and give the guilty
party with a mustache

a chance to run for his life?

Well, now, surely
you don't think I...

Well, it... it was just
just a harmless prank.

I only did it so we could
start the trip off with a laugh.

Now, naturally, Wilbur,

I insist on paying for the gas,

and I insist on
driving in my car,

and I insist on
buying the lunch.

And I insist on you
buying the dinners.

Oh!

Oh, of course,
Wilbur, of course.

Well, come on, Kay, we've
got a lot of packing to do.

Uh, Wilbur, would you mind
doing the driving tomorrow?

Don't you like the
way Roger drives?

Oh, sure.

But if he thinks
of all the money

it's going to cost him,

he'll never see the
road through his tears.

I'll go get our
things ready, honey.

Oh, and I'm glad
Mister Ed's all right.

Thank you.

Hello. Briarcliff Stables?

This is Mr. Post.

I'll be bringing my horse
around tomorrow morning.

Yeah, uh, is, uh,
is Ilsa still in Stall 5?

Fine. Then would you
put Mr. Ed in Stall 6?

Yeah. And when you
take Ilsa her dinner tonight,

would you throw in
a bouquet of carrots?

I'm sure she'll
know who it's from.

Thank you.

So you see, the whole
thing was just a joke.

Yeah, some joke.

I could have lost all my
hair worrying about losing it.

Well, it was a dirty trick, Ed,

but at least you
know you're all right.

And the fillies will be
calling you Curly again.

[laughing] Yeah.

Ho ho ho...

Holy smoke. My
little black book.

Hmm. Gee.

Get the glue, Wilbur.

We've got a lot
of pasting to do.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪