01x31 - The Croaker

Episode transcripts for the TV show "My Three Sons". Aired: September 29, 1960 - April 13, 1972.*
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Widower Steve Douglas raises a trio of boys.
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01x31 - The Croaker

Post by bunniefuu »

Hi, Bub.

Sorry, Don't have
time for breakfast.

Big Yearbook staff
meeting at school.

I'm committee chairman.

What? Hey, Mike, wait up!

Where are you going?

I'm gonna line the
brakes on Fizzy's car.

Well, just a minute.

Try that again, and
a little bit slower.

See, Bub, we're gonna
reline the brakes on Fizzy's car.

I'm coming, Mike!

Didn't you do that last weekend?

What?!

I said, "Practice
makes perfect."

Say that again.

Time.

What?

I don't have time.

Oh...

Now, what did you say
the first time? Slowly!

Can I have my own
place in the refrigerator

for something special?

For what?

For Malcolm.

What's that?

That's Malcolm. He's a bullfrog.

I'm gonna take him to school
on Monday for show-and-tell.

Get that off there.

See, if I put him
in the refrigerator,

maybe he'd think it's winter
and he'd hibernate until Monday.

Oh, no, you don't.

Not in my refrigerator.

Aw, Bub, come on.

“Aw, Bub, come on”"

Put him outside.

What's your hurry?

You haven't eaten
your breakfast yet.

We're going on an all-day hike.

Well, supper's at 6:00.

Okay, so long.

Good morning, Dad. 'Bye!

Good-bye, Chip.
Good morning, Bub.

I suppose you're going
some place in a big hurry, too.

Hmm? Would you slow down?

I can't understand what
anybody's saying around here.

I suppose you're taking
off like a big bird also. Oh.

Yes, as a matter of fact
I'm late for an appointment

with a guy from
Washington already.

Washington?

Which one... the state,
the capital or the president?

Yeah.

Hurry, hurry, hurry.

The trouble around here
is they're talking at 78

and I'm going at 33 1/3.

These young guys, they don't
talk to you, they talk at you.

Well, come on O'Casey
and quit complaining.

This is the first time

you've had the whole place
to yourself since yesterday.

Well, what do you
think you're doing here?

Go on, now get, out
of here, wart-spreader.

Go on, scram.

Come on, get out.

Shoo.

Shoo.

A-shoo.

Well, you don't
like artistry, huh?

Don't sit there bug-eyed
looking at me, then.

Go on, get out. I'll brush you.

Get... No, I don't
want you in...

Get out of here.

Get out of here. Whoa, whoa.

Listen, don't get
me mad at you now

or I'll have you for lunch.

Get out of here,
will you? Don't...

Come... come on,
get out of here, frog.

Come on. Don't... Don't...

Come on, you
exasperating reptile.

No. No, don't
go... Don't... Ohh...

Now look what you've done.

I told you not to jump in there.

Now, come on, get out of there.

Come here.

You aggravating croaker,
will you come here?

Well, all right. All right.

Suit yourself.

Stay right there and...

cook yourself for lunch.

Maybe you'd like that better.

Well... That's
using the old bean.

Up you go.

Fair enough Let's go.

Come on now.

Get outta here.

I got work to do.

Adios.

And... stay out!

Now, how did you
get back in here?

I thought I told you to...

Oh, now, now, you can
talk plainer than that.

Now, come up here
and have a chat with me.

Now, sit down, there, now.

Now, I suppose you're gonna tell
me you're a prince or something.

Huh?

Well, maybe you were. Who knows?

You know, you
remind me a little bit

of an old uncle of mine.

O'Brian O'Casey was his name,

and what a reptile he was.

He swore to us that
he was with St. Patrick

on the day St. Patrick drove
the snakes out of Ireland.

Ahh... Look at you.

Yeah, get in there. Get in.

Huh?

Well, that's six.

Or is it seven?

Well, he can have
one with his coffee.

Well, Malcolm...

here I come with a
dinner fit for a king.

There we are.

Here we come now.

Oh, oh, oh, there they go.

Tell me something, Malcolm.

How'd you get so fat without me?

Now, listen... all I can
do is serve 'em to you.

You gotta catch 'em yourself.

How do you like this?

Here I am sitting here
hand-feeding a frog live flies.

What's the matter,
you stuck down there?

Are you stuck...?

Oh.

Too bad you can't play pinochle.

If you were a dog,
I could teach you

to sit up, and roll over and...

But, no, a worthless,
good-for-nothing,

old frog I get tangled up with.

I can't sit around
here all afternoon

talking to a dumb
old frog, Malcolm.

Well, what do you know?

There you are... Malcolm!

How about that.

Malcolm!

Well, you think you're
pretty smart, don't you?

I guess you are pretty smart.

There you are. Now... Mal...

com!

Well! Malcolm, you're all right.

Yes, sir, you are,
and just for that...

we're gonna snag
you some dinner.

You bet I am, old boy, yeah.

I'll try and get you
a great big, fat fly

with purple wings.

You know, something that'll
match that green back of yours.

And maybe tomorrow for
lunch, we'll have... crickets.

Yeah.

Crickets thermidor.

Tomorrow night...

what's the matter
with some... moths?

Moth souffle.

Very appetizing they
are, very appetizing,

and so light.

Very tasty.

Bub?

Robbie, w-what's the big idea

of sneaking up one me?

I wasn't sneaking up on you.

Are you all right?

What do you mean,
am I all right, now?

Get in the kitchen and
get ready for dinner.

Oh, uh, that's okay,
Bub, I'll wait for you.

What are we having?

You'll find out soon enough.

Now get in the kitchen.

Come on, Bub, I'll help you.

What in the heck's the
matter with you, Robbie?

Wash your hands now
and get ready for dinner.

Bub, I'm not going in
that kitchen without you.

Hey, Bub, come
on. We're starving.

I-I'm coming in right now.

I'm... Right now.

Robbie, will you
stop following me!

Oh, come on. Let's go.

Now, don't bring those
greasy paws in the kitchen.

And change your shirt! Yeah.

What's cooking?

Shh!

Flies.

Ask a civil question,
get a stupid answer.

I'm not kidding you.

Bub is thinking of
having flies for dinner.

Yeah.

An-and crickets for lunch.

Oh, boy.

You better stop relining
Fizzy's brakes every Saturday.

Well, what are you looking at?

Oh... nothing.

Well, hurry it up. We
got a special treat...

Oh. So?

So?

Boy, you've got the
wildest imagination.

Hi, Bub! What's for dinner?

Uh, er, an O'Casey special.

Oh, what's that?

Well, it's something I
dreamed up on the fly.

Now, get outta
there. Get outta there.

What's the matter with you?

Nothing. I just have
a frog in my throat.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, what's in here?

Take your hands off there.

Go and tell your
father dinner's ready.

Now get outta here.

There he goes!

Okay, Hawkeye.

You don't miss a thing, do you?

Now, just for that,
you can take this out

and dump it in the backyard.

Darn kids.

A man has no privacy
around this place at all.

Just be sure you
dump it in the cage.

What cage?

The one I built for
him this afternoon.

String beans!

See? I told you
they weren't flies.

Yeah, but-but why would he want

to dump string beans
in the backyard?

Well... In a cage.

Well... That he built
for them this afternoon.

Uh, Bub?

I thought I told you to
dump that stuff outside.

Well, yeah, but...

Well, Robbie was thinking

maybe you made a little
mistake. I didn't say that.

Yeah, well, tell Robbie to stop
thinking and do what I told him.

Kitchen is no place
for a thing like that.

Well, here we come,
starved as usual.

Your dad's here,
so you can set that

on the back porch
like I told you.

Now, what mouth-watering thrills

have we in store
for us tonight, Bub?

Shut the door.

O'Casey special. Oh,
boy, my favorite dish!

Well, I'll, uh...

No, no, no... grace first.

Oh, I'm so hungry I
forgot. Whose turn is it?

Mine.

Well, that's a
piping-hot dish, huh?

Come on, Chip, before
everything gets cold.

Bub, uh, I... I'm
sure it's delicious,

but, as you said, we
haven't said grace.

Come on, Chip.

That's right, yes.

What was that?

Oh, uh...: nothing, nothing.

Our Father who art in Heaven,

thank you for this food and
bless it to our use. Amen.

Amen.

Oh.

Excuse me.

Huh. Boy, I'm so hungry I
could just about eat anything.

Malcolm!

Chip, I told you to be
careful with that frog.

I told you not to bring Malcolm
into the kitchen, didn't I?

How did that frog
get in that pot?

Robbie, you heard
me tell you to leave it

on the porch, didn't
you, and keep it there!

Mike, don't just stand
there staring at me... get...

Come on, you guys, it's
late. We haven't got all day.

My chemistry book!

Oh.

Hey, I forgot my lunch.

Hey, come on,
watch it, half pint.

I forgot my lunch!

Well, you'd forget
your head if it wasn't...

Gosh, me, too.

Will you watch it, Mike?

Hey, hey, you guys, wait
a minute, hold it, will ya?

I'm sure I took it home.

Who takes chemistry?

Who takes
chemistry! I do, but...

Well, here, here take this.

Here's your lunch! Here!

Listen to me! Oh, oh, oh.

And here's your
lunch. Oh, thanks, Bub.

You're welcome.

Hey, I got to get Malcolm!

Malcolm's in the cage.

Hurry up! Hurry, Chip!

Come on, Malcolm! I'll...

He's gone!

Bub, Malcolm's gone!

Malcolm?

Malcolm?

Here, Malcolm.

Oh, come on, Malcolm.

Oh, brother, I sure
hope nobody sees us.

Ooh, yeah. Gosh, we
look like a bunch of goofs.

Any luck out there?

Nope!

Well, keep looking!

Malcolm.

Oh! Oh!

Now, careful where
you step, Chip.

Come on, Malcolm, will you?

It's chow time.

Jeepers, did you hear that?

Yeah.

Jeepers, it's Robbie.

It's getting sort of late.

Um, um... Come on,
you guys better take off.

But I can't leave
without Malcolm.

No luck out front.
Forget about it, Chip,

I'll find you a dozen
old frogs after school.

Malcolm was trained.

Come on, you guys.
Well, if he's so great,

how come he's not in
your hands right now?

You've been calling
him all morning.

Go ahead, Chip... I'll bring
him over to school to you.

You sure? Malcolm's all I got for
show-and-tell. Hey, you know what?

Maybe he thought we were really
gonna serve him for dinner the other night.

It's ten minutes after 8:00...
Now, will you get in the car?

Chip, will you get in
this car? You know what?

He probably just didn't like
the idea of being penned up.

Don't forget, show-and-tell's

right after Pledge
of Allegiance.

My books!

Here's your books.

Where did you go?

Here.

Don't knock yourself
out looking for that thing.

He'll forget about Malcolm
by tomorrow. Just never mind,

I'm too busy to worry
about some dopey frog.

Get in this car!

If he wants to get himself
lost, that's his business.

Malcolm!

Now, where could he be?

Malcolm, you better
get yourself over here!

I'll be darned if I'm gonna
spend my whole day

out here in the backyard
yelling for a stupid frog!

Malcolm!

You hear me?

This is your last chance.

Malcolm!

You'll find out.

Some big animal
will come along and...

well, you know what
I mean, Malcolm.

Malcolm?

Please? Please?

Please?

What's the matter with me?

I'm... I'm nearly as
stupid as this frog.

Here I am standing out here
with a strainer in one hand

and a paper bag in
another and a jar full of flies

hollering for Malcolm!

And we all finally decided
to have a picnic here,

and it was pretty hot and...

Oh, hello, Mr. O'Casey.

Hi, everybody. How are you?

Hello, Dorine. Hi there.

Jeepers, I thought you
were never gonna get here.

Don't let me interrupt...
I'm just gonna

sit down and visit a minute.

Thank you.

Chip's turn's next, Mr. O'Casey.

Dorine is just telling us
about an exciting picnic

she and her family
had last Sunday.

Go on, Dorine.

Well...

we all finally decided
to have our picnic here,

and it was pretty hot, and...

and this is a baseball field.

Mm-hmm.

Here... here's the sun.

Here's a tree.

And there's some potato chips.

And what does that interesting
brown circle represent?

Um... that's where daddy

set his coffee cup
down this morning.

Thank you very much, Dorine.

And now Chip has asked to be

our show-and-tell
person for today

because he has
a surprise for us.

Chip, why don't
you come up front

and tell us about it. Okay.

Come on, Bub, let's go.

Boy, wait till you
see what I got.

Now, kids, here's the deal.

Now, first, you must
all close your eyes.

Close yours, too, Dorine.

You, too.

Chip and I have been training
an animal over the weekend.

Now, here's the game.

I'll describe him to you,

and you try to guess what he is.

This animal has
very strong back legs,

and his front legs
are very short.

A dinosaur?

Oh, no, I'm sure
it's much smaller.

Well, I'll say.

And it can jump, too.

A kangaroo?

No. How could you get a
kangaroo in a paper bag?

Uh, this animal lives
in the water, and...

he can also get around
a little on the land.

A turtle?

No, but you're getting warm.

It starts out as a tadpole.

I know!

A frog!

Right. You're right!

Can we see it? Can we see it?

Hey, come on!

Yep, Chip and I caught
ourselves a frog over the weekend.

Did he give you any warts?

Oh, frogs don't give warts.

Why, this frog is
nice and gentle.

Makes a fine pet.

Why, he wouldn't hurt a fly.

What do frogs eat, Mr. O'Casey?

Flies.

So Chip named our
frog, uh, Malcolm.

Yeah. He blinks
when I tell him to,

and he jumps in my
hands when I call him.

Open the bag,
Bub, and show them.

In fact, he turned out
to be smarter than us.

We were dumb enough
to put him in a cage,

and he was smart
enough to jump out.

Open the bag, Bub.

Here, you open it, Chip.

He knew it wasn't any zoo

where somebody'd take
care of him all the time.

Jeepers, it's just
my clunky old lunch.

Couldn't you find him?

No, I didn't, Chip.

And I felt real bad about it.

Till I got to figuring, uh,

just how I'd feel if somebody
had locked me in a cage

just because they wanted
to see me jump around

and blink my eyes.

It might be all
right for them, but...

what about me?

When am I gonna see my grandson?

My son-in-law?

How am I gonna play
pinochle and watch television?

So then I got to
figuring that maybe...

Malcolm would feel
the same way about it.

Jeepers, I'm sure
gonna miss him.

Well, people and
frogs are funny, Chip...

Sometimes the only way to
keep them is to let them go.

Well, maybe if we
get rid of that old cage,

maybe he'll come back
and visit us sometime.

Yeah, maybe he would.

Boy, he sure used to talk funny.

Yeah. Erp.

Ar, ar, er, er, er, er...

Er-reep!
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