Oh, morning, Bub.
Morning.
What are you looking at?
Well, some new folks are
moving in across the way.
Well, what do you know?
Nice-looking furniture.
Yes, it is.
So, how about some breakfast?
Your orange juice
is on the table.
Good.
Hey, what's Bub looking at?
Uh, some, uh, new folks are
moving in across the street.
Oh, yeah?
Well, their television
set must be busted.
How do you know that?
Well, they've moved in
about six cases of books.
Well, that's a good sign.
Bub, you show me a man's books,
and I'll show you
his character. Huh?
Bub, I'm a little late.
How about a couple of eggs?
I'll be right there.
Now, stop peeking
out the window.
Doesn't look good.
Hey, Mike, what you looking at?
Yeah, what's so interesting?
New people moving
in across the street.
No kidding. Any girls?
I didn't see any.
I'm going to go over and see
what the new people look like.
Come on, Tramp.
Hi.
Hi. Is that your dog?
Yeah. Is that your cat?
Yeah. How can your dog see
with his hair in
his eyes like that?
I think he's got 20/20 vision.
Tell your dog he'd better not
come on our side of the street.
How come?
'Cause my cat will b*at him up.
My dog's not afraid of cats.
Boy, some dog.
You need any help?
No, thank you.
Odd numbers on
top, evens on bottom.
I can read, thank you.
Well, excuse me for living.
Back so soon?
Would you mind?
You're blocking my way.
What was that about somebody
blocking somebody's way?
I don't think that's very funny.
Well, I don't think I asked you.
Well, there's no need
to get argumentative.
Me? You're the one that's
doing all the spouting off.
Well, nobody asked
you to stay and listen.
838 Mill Street.
Wouldn't that frost you?
Now you know my address.
Do me a favor and forget it.
Well, I can't.
You live across
the street from me.
Dope.
Knucklehead.
And this one's a Persian cat.
And this one's
called the Siamese.
And this one's a bobcat.
Tramp, come back out here.
Tramp, I don't want you
running every time you see
that clunky cat
across the street.
Tramp.
Brother. That's all I need,
is a big-headed girl like that,
with a locker
right next to mine.
Tramp, you got to
come out of there.
"Thank you.
"Now that you know my address,
will you please forget it?"
What does she think
she is, a... a clunk?
I'm not going to
ask a clunk like her
for a date or something.
And this one right
here is a Manx cat.
This one right here is
an ordinary alley cat.
Will you come back here?
"Would you mind?
You're blocking my way."
God.
You know, I... I
should have said,
"What do you think, you
own the school or something?"
Come on, Tramp.
Quit being a sissy.
I should have said,
"You know, I
think you're a girl,
so, uh, I won't poke
you in the mouth."
You want that boy
across the street
to make fun of you?
I should have said...
What kid across the street?
Oh, there's this goofy kid
that moved in across the street,
and he went and pointed his
cat at Tramp and everything.
What did Tramp do?
Well, I think he was
going to bite the cat,
but then he decided not to.
And the kid laughed.
Boy, that kid sure
has a goofy face.
Every time I see it,
I'd like to smack it.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
Well, uh, what did Tramp do
after the kid pointed
the cat at him?
Well, he came home, sort of.
He did?
Yeah. Here.
You hold him while I
show him these pictures.
Oh, no, Chip, that
wouldn't do any good.
You want the kid across
the street to make fun of him?
Well, all right.
But just don't tell anyone.
Boy, if Mike ever finds out
we've been showing
pictures of cats to a dog,
we'll never hear the end of it.
Okay. Okay, now, stay, Tramp.
This one here is a Persian.
Stay.
This one's a Siamese.
Tramp.
There's that bobcat again.
Steve, tell your son that
breakfast is more important
than that, uh, last-minute
homework he's doing.
Mike, breakfast
is more important
than that last-minute
homework you're doing.
Oh, yeah? Well, you don't have
that miserable Dr. Walters
in political science.
No, we don't.
Here, what are you
doing? Good morning.
What's so good about it?
Well, now, that's what I like.
Those smiling
faces to cheer me up
in my declining years.
What's eating you two?
Plenty.
Dad, did you ever want
to slug somebody so bad
that you could hardly stand it?
Oh, it's happened a few times.
Of course, it all depended
on how much he weighed.
This he happens to be a she.
Oh. BUB: Well, that puts
a different emphasis
on the sport.
Who is this, uh,
female Marciano?
It's that creepy girl
that just moved in
across the street.
Boy, what a weirdo.
Yeah, and so is that
clunky brother of hers.
Dad, what's a
three-emperor alliance?
Well, Mike, uh,
that was an alliance
where three
emperors got together.
Chip, uh, what did this new
boy across the street do to you?
Well, he said stuff about:
How can Tramp see
with all that hair in his eyes?
Oh. Is that all?
No, he pointed his cat at me.
He pointed his cat at you?
Now, there's a criminal
act if I ever heard one.
Well... Robbie,
what did this, uh,
new girl across
the street do to you?
It's not what she did so much
as the way she acted, Dad.
Like she was queen of
the city dump or something.
In other words, she
didn't do anything.
It's just that you
don't like her, huh?
You should have
seen the way she tried
to block me off with
her stupid locker.
"I can read, thank you.
There's no need to
get argumentative."
Yeah, and he goes,
"Boy, some dog."
I don't know what's
happened to you two fellows.
All I know is that you hate
two complete strangers,
and I'll bet neither one of you
can give me a good reason why.
Well, it sounds like a case
of mass hysteria to me, Dad.
There's a whole chapter
about it in my psych book.
But then again, it...
it, uh, could be just
an ordinary case
of survival instinct
on a tribal level.
Well, whatever it is, the
Douglas tribe doesn't go around
with a perpetual
chip on its shoulders.
Basing dislikes on first
impressions is ridiculous.
I don't want to hear any
more about you fellows
hating the children
across the street.
Do I make myself clear?
Okay, Dad. Okay.
Bye. STEVE: Good-bye.
Bye. Bye. Bye.
Does anybody know when
Disraeli came to power?
We haven't come to him yet.
We're only up to,
uh, Charlemagne.
Well, we, uh, sort
of started the day off
with a bang, didn't we?
Well, no harm done, to speak of.
No, no, we just bumped bumpers.
I guess that's what
they're for, huh?
Well, can't argue
with that, I guess.
I'm, uh, Steve Douglas.
I live right over there.
Oh, uh, John Kaylor.
We just moved in over there.
Yeah, I've been, uh, sort
of hoping to bump into you.
Of course, not like this.
I mean, uh, socially.
Yeah, of course.
Uh, I hope our little meeting
didn't inconvenience you.
No, no, no, no. I, uh...
I guess probably it was
my fault. I should have, uh...
Well, it's nice of you to
put it that way, Douglas.
Uh, actually, I was
halfway through my turn
when you plowed into me.
I plowed into you?
Well, we could say we
plowed into each other.
Yes, we could say that.
Or that, uh, neither
of us was looking
where we were
supposed to be looking.
Yes.
Well, nice to have
met you, Kaylor.
Uh, same here, Douglas.
Birdbrain.
Dope.
If there's anything
I can't stand,
it's one of those
little, thin mustaches,
and those little, beady eyes.
I see what you mean. Is
that all you got against him?
No, it's not all.
We hardly touched bumpers,
and about the
first thing he said
was how I plowed into him.
Be careful with that end
of the sheet, will you?
I've patched it
about all it'll patch.
You've been beefing
about that guy all day long.
Well, I want to tell you,
Bub, it's pretty irritating
to have a guy like that tell you
that you're lacking in
courtesy of the road.
Well, if it were me,
I'd have sh*t him
right then and there.
Just north of the mustache,
and right between
the little, beady eyes.
Here, here, maybe
you'd better lay off.
Looks like he's got enough.
Who?
The guy across the street.
Oh.
You're right, Bub.
I'm doing the very same
thing I lectured the boys about.
Well, I'm glad you recognize it.
Don't hit him when
he's down, you big bully.
Oh, boy, I'm late.
Well, see you-all tonight.
Thanks for a good
breakfast, Bub.
You're welcome. Dad,
so long. See you, Dad.
And remember, uh,
no more of that feuding
with the folks across
the street, okay?
Okay. Okay, Dad.
Well, good morning.
Well, you almost got me again.
What did you say?
Nothing.
After you.
Thank you very much.
Good morning, Mr. Douglas.
Good morning, Marge.
Are the, uh, first drafts
for the 107 still in
this filing cabinet?
Well, yes, sir. I'll
get them for you.
Shall I get you an aspirin?
Hmm?
You look like you
have a headache.
Oh. No, no, I'm fine.
I do want to check these.
Thanks.
Hiya, doll.
Got the specifications for
the Richards job ready yet?
I'm on the last page.
Have a chair.
Oh, I don't mind standing.
Well, I do.
You happen to be in my light.
Sorry.
Herman, must you whistle?
Okay, so you don't like music.
Herman.
Stop it.
Here.
Take these and get lost
before I forget I'm a lady.
What's eating you?
What did I do?
Mm, I don't know.
But whatever it
was, don't do it again.
I-I'll see you tomorrow.
Hey, what was that all about?
Oh, I don't know.
There's something
about that character
that brings out the
Lucrezia Borgia in me.
Herman?
He's not a bad kid.
What'd he ever do to you?
He walked through that door.
That was enough.
He's rubbed me the wrong way
since the first minute
I laid eyes on him.
You must have
worked here six months.
Uh, you mean you've been
barking at him all that time?
Only because it's
against the law to bite.
I guess you think
I'm pretty silly.
No, no, just feminine.
Lots of emotion, not much logic.
Why do you men always think
everything has to be logical?
I mean, suppose I came
bursting in here on a pink cloud,
said I just met a
guy, love at first sight.
What would you say?
Well, I suppose I'd
say congratulations.
But you wouldn't think
there was anything peculiar.
No, no, I'm sure that
happens lots of times.
You see?
No rhyme, no reason.
It happens.
Instant love.
Or a reasonable facsimile.
Well, in a way, it's the
same thing with Herman.
Only in reverse.
Oh, you mean instant hate.
The easiest kind.
Hasn't it ever happened to you?
Yeah.
Yeah, quite recently.
Thanks, Marge.
What for?
Well, just thanks.
I think you're right, Dad.
The way it is now, those
people across the street
have us at a
psychological disadvantage.
Well, now, Mike,
let's not get Freudian.
All I want to do is go
over there as a family
and welcome the Kaylors
to our neighborhood,
as we should have done
when they first moved in.
We going over tonight?
Tonight.
So see that Rob and
Chip are cleaned up,
and, uh, ask Bub if we can't
have dinner a little earlier.
Oh, maybe I'd better ask him.
Oh, he isn't? Where is he?
Oh, he's at the market.
They're having a
sale on tomatoes.
You know, I pinched
that many tomatoes once,
and they slapped my face.
Well, if I don't pick out
exactly the right tomatoes,
my family complains.
Oh, well, how many do you need?
Maybe I could help
you pinch a few.
Oh, no, thank you.
I was only trying
to help, that's all.
Sorry.
Just a moment, please.
You're walking
away with my wagon.
Well, just a moment,
please, to you.
You're walking away with mine.
Now, if you'll cut out
that elephant dance,
maybe we can get
these things unhooked.
Elephant dance?
Yes, ma'am.
Well!
Oh, dear.
Well, if it isn't the
elephant lady again.
We have the rudest
people in this neighborhood.
Anything wrong, Mr. O'Casey?
Nothing that a nickel's worth
of rat poison wouldn't cure.
Come along, fellas.
Oh, well, you
look, you look fine.
Gee whiz, Dad.
What are we gonna say to them?
Well, we just act as though
we-we're meeting
them for the first time.
We're merely welcoming a
new family into the neighborhood.
Well, I hope you don't get sore
if I bleed all over
their rug, Dad.
W-Why would you
bleed all over the rug?
Well, the minute
I walk in there,
that girl's gonna belt
me with something.
W-Where's Mike? Mike!
Here I come.
Come on, let's
get this over with.
Well, now, Bub, that attitude
isn't going to help
anything, either.
Just because you had a run-in
at the market with somebody,
don't, uh, take it out on
the people across the street.
Now, come on. You know,
Dad is absolutely right, Bub.
Once an emotion is suppressed,
the fountainhead of its release
should never be misdirected.
That's all we need around
here, a Chinese Socrates.
Come here!
Tramp. Tramp.
You stay. Come here.
Stay home, now, you bale of hay.
That's the first
time I ever heard of
that the word "exit"
didn't mean "egress."
Oh!
You're going to
have to stop fuming
about that man
across the street.
I am not fuming about anybody.
I'm simply sick and tired of
a cheap grade of newspaper
that tears every time you
try to erase something.
What really happened when you
touched bumpers the other day?
He got smart with me,
that's what really happened.
I've never seen a guy yet
who was six-foot-three
and who didn't...
I'll get it.
Good evening.
We're the, uh, Douglases
from across the street.
Come in.
We thought it was about time for
the neighborhood to welcome you,
so I slapped this little thing
together for you this afternoon.
Thank you! You're welcome.
John, the Douglases came to
welcome us to the neighborhood.
Well, hi, Douglas.
Hello, Kaylor. Come in.
Thank you. Yeah.
C-Come on in.
Is the little boy home?
Yeah, as a matter of
fact, the whole clan's here.
That's the trouble with
people these days, uh, John.
They just don't bother
to think things out.
It's so much easier to condemn
a man because of his looks
or the color of his
necktie than it is to, uh,
probe into his true character.
I know exactly what
you mean, uh, Steve.
You know, the first time I met
Margaret, I couldn't stand her.
Three months later,
I took another look,
and we got married.
Well, that figures.
I only got two guppies now.
If you leave them long
enough, they get kids.
Boy, that's neat.
Hey, how come they got
so much color on them?
That's because
they're both males.
Yeah, it's amazing how wrong
first impressions usually are.
Mm.
N-Now take the
bumblebee, for instance.
A good engineer, looking at
a bumble bee, would say, uh,
aerodynamically speaking,
that it would be impossible
for it to fly, right?
Yeah, the bee.
Yeah.
You know, it took
me years to realize
that a banker with a mustache
didn't make a career out
of foreclosing mortgages.
That's when I decided
to grow one myself.
Well, it's-it's funny
that you should
bring that up, Mr. Kaylor.
That's exactly what
we're studying in class.
It's-it's called,
uh, physiognomy.
There's really no such
thing as the criminal face.
Beady eyes and a mustache
are only undesirable
physiognomically speaking.
Yeah, well, I
suppose that's true.
And here's a picture of
me with the school band.
Hey, that's real hip.
I'm a trumpet man myself.
What do you play?
The triangle.
I know it doesn't
sound like much,
but they needed somebody
to fill out the drill formations.
Well, heck, the triangle's
more important than
most people think.
Do you really think so? Yeah.
Your cake looks
delicious, Mr. O'Casey.
Well, thank you.
But remember the old saying:
beware of an
Irishman bearing gifts.
I could be just setting
you up for the k*ll.
And the next time, I'll want
to borrow a cup of sugar.
You'll be more than welcome.
And as soon as we're
settled, I'll ask Aunt Marian
to bake you one of
her special shortcakes.
Well, it seems like
your Aunt Marian and I
have a great deal in common.
I'd be very glad to meet her.
Maybe we could swap some recipes
and even play a little
game of gin rummy.
Well, there's no time
like the present to find out.
Uh-oh, there comes
the old tomato-pusher.
Pardon me?
Uh, I've had the pleasure.
Oh.
Marian, come in, dear.
Meet the Douglases.
This is Robbie Douglas.
Oh, hi, ma'am. How
do you do, Robbie.
Mr. Douglas, may I
present John's aunt,
Miss Marian Kaylor?
How do you do, Miss Kaylor?
How do you do, Mr. Douglas?
This is his son, Michael.
Michael. How do you do?
And this is Chip.
Hello, Chip.
I believe you've
already met Mr. O'Casey.
Good heavens!
Mr. O'Casey is the one
who brought this beautiful
cake over for us, Marian, dear.
Well, how many
cups of rat poison
to how many cups
of flour, Mr. O'Casey?
Really, Marian, that's not
a very nice thing to say.
Isn't it, John?
This is the overage delinquent
that insulted me in the
market this afternoon.
Oh.
Well, looks like our
families don't get off
to a very good
start, do they, Steve?
No, no.
But, uh, as we were saying,
John, sometimes a shaky start
can turn into a
lasting friendship.
Oh, uh, that's not
necessarily true, Dad.
In fact, it's the exception
rather than the rule...
Mike.
Now, look, uh, I thought
if an apology would do any
good, I'll be glad to apologize.
I was in a hurry, and,
uh, your aunt pinched
a few too many tomatoes,
and I got a little salty, I guess.
A little salty?
Yes.
He told everybody within earshot
that I looked like an elephant.
I said you danced
like an elephant.
Oh.
Dad, how come that
lady's picking on Bub?
Uh, Chip, you'd
better stay out of this.
Well, if you ask me...
I think we'd better stay
out of it, too, probably.
That's because your
grandfather is in the wrong.
Are you out of your
skull or something?
Uh, Robbie.
Wasn't his fault,
Dad. She did start it.
Looks like the whole family's
cut out of the same cloth.
Well, there's nothing
wrong with our family, Sam.
Are you inferring
there is with ours?
You said it, I didn't.
Now, uh, Bub, just a minute.
O'Casey, it's a good thing
you're not 20 years younger.
Hold on just a minute.
John, please.
Margaret, if there's one thing
I expect from a
wife, it's loyalty.
Now, Kaylor, calm down.
And you stay out of this.
See how he flaunts
his six-foot-three?
What'd I tell you?
I'm not flaunting anything.
And I think we'd
better go home, Bub.
Come on, Chip.
Good night, Kaylor.
Good night, Douglas.
Say good night to
the Kaylors, boys.
Good night. Good night.
Good night.
We had a nice time.
You know what it was?
It was kind of a mob hysteria.
Somebody would just
say one little thing wrong,
and then the next person
would rush in and defend him,
and before you know
it, we had a fire going
made up of the
twigs of little mistakes.
That's a quote.
Delighted to hear it.
You know, the
same thing happened
at the Battle of Bull Run.
Steve, can't you
shut this mug off?
Well, we tried.
That's all we can do.
I still think it's a nice
family over there.
Oh, well it is, Dad.
Our chemistry just isn't right.
Oh, not on your shirt, Chip.
Here.
She's really not a bad
girl, for a triangle player.
Well, all the
postmortems in the world
aren't gonna help anything.
Come on, Chip, it's
time for you to go to bed.
We tried and we
goofed, that's all.
Oh, who could that be?
Well, the luck we're running in,
it's probably an
eviction notice.
Hi, Steve.
Um, we just blew a
fuse over at our house,
in more ways than one.
Wondered if we could plug
in our coffee pot over here.
Come in, John.
Come on in, the
cake's still fresh.
Come on. Nice of
you to come over.
Glad you came back.
Come on.
Dad?
Yes, Chip?
Can I see you a
minute? Oh, sure, Chip.
Excuse me, please.
Dad? Hmm?
Did they really blow
a fuse at their house?
No, I don't really think so.
It's just their way of saying
they want to be friends.
That kind of dumb?
I guess maybe it is, Chip.
But, uh, we grown-ups
aren't always
too bright about
a lot of things.
Oh.
Remember that when I bring
home my next report card, huh, Dad?