Oh, thanks, son.
Here. Buy yourself
something expensive.
Who's the telegram from, Bub?
I don't know... I never
read 'em till I open 'em.
Hmm... Flats Jensen.
Well, I'm sure I can get a
reservation on that 10:00 plane.
Oh, you've already
made it for me.
Okay, Ed. Good-bye.
Hey, Steve. Hmm?
I just got a telegram
from old Flats Jensen.
He's sick again. Oh, I'm
sorry to hear that, Bub.
Yeah, so I'll have to be
leaving you for a few days.
Well, when do you
plan on leaving?
Right now. He not
only needs a nurse,
but he's got to have
somebody to run that theater
for him over there in Plainview.
Yeah. I just told Ed Drake
I'd be on the 10:00
plane to Minneapolis.
Oh, gosh, can't you put it off?
I hate like the dickens
to think of poor old Flats
lying there sick and
nobody to take care of him.
I know, Bub. You've got to go.
I'll, uh, I'll call Ed back... maybe I
can make some other arrangements.
Well, I wish you could.
Well, why don't you both go?
Well, we can't very
well both go, Mike.
Well, why not? I haven't got
any more classes this week.
I'll take care of the house.
Well, it's a big responsibility.
What responsibility?
Sitting around the house all day
waiting for Chip and Rob
to come home from school?
Is that all you think
I do around here?
Of course not... I know there's
a little more to it than that.
A little more?
I wish you had an idea of
all that goes on around here.
Uh, he didn't mean
it that way, Bub.
When I spoke of responsibility,
Mike, I didn't mean housework.
Although that is important.
I meant, uh, well,
there are problems
that could come up.
Oh, look, Dad, if I'm old
enough to-to go to college
and-and shave and
be eligible for the draft,
then I think I can
handle any little crisis
that would come up around here.
Wait a minute, just because
you got a B-plus in debating
don't think you can push
your dad around, junior.
No, Mike's got a point, Bub.
As hard as it is for us
to believe, he is an adult.
Don't be ridiculous.
Why, it was just the other day
we cancelled his diaper service.
Uh, Bub, if, uh, if I had a
friend from my vaudeville days
who was calling me
from a sick bed, uh,
I wouldn't stand around
sh**ting the breeze, I'd pack.
Mm-hmm. He's
an adult, all right.
A sneaky adult.
Now, Mike, uh, I gave
you the money, didn't I?
Oh, yeah, I'm all set.
Don't worry about us,
Dad. Yeah, we'll be okay.
Uh, Dad, will you tell them
once more before you leave?
I want to make sure
they get the message.
Mike is the boss... do
you fellas understand that?
Now, remember,
you eat when he says,
you go to bed when he says,
and you do your homework
when he says. Okay.
You hear that? Yeah, but
tell him he can't smack us.
Aw... Smack 'em!
Rob, did I ever
hit... Yes, you have.
Well, I never hit you, did I?
No, but the temptation
might be too much.
We don't want him to smack you.
Good-bye, Rob. Bye, Dad.
Just use good common sense,
and everybody'll get along fine.
And remember to wash your ears.
We'll be back as soon as
we can. Good-bye, Mike.
So long. BUB: Bye, g*ng.
Bye. Boy, this is gonna be neat.
Yeah.
What do you think you're doing?
Now, get upstairs and
get dressed for school.
Aw, Mike, all you have to do
is just write a note
to Mrs. Bergen.
Yeah, and tell her he's
got crayon poisoning.
Okay, come on, Chip, upstairs.
Aw, that's all we
need around here
is a brother who
thinks he's a dad.
Wouldn't you know
he'd start goofing off
the minute Bub and
Dad got out of sight?
Yeah, I can just see
myself writing an excuse.
Yeah.
Hey, what are you reading
your Spanish book for?
Well, I figured I'd catch up
on my studies; I'm way behind.
Yeah, well, you'll
be late for school...
You got to get
going in ten minutes.
Well, I thought I'd catch
up on all my back Spanish.
Oh, gee, then I got
to start memorizing
those 24 lines from Shakespeare.
In ten minutes?
Oh, brother, and I got to put
about 12 theorems in my notebook,
and after that... All
right, Robbie, upstairs.
No, listen, Mike, I'm not
trying to goof off like Chip.
I just figured I'd put in
the whole day catching up.
I'm supposed to write
an excuse, I suppose.
Heck, no... I'll write
it; you just sign it.
Look, Rob, you and Chip
better get this
through your heads:
just because Bub
and Dad aren't here
doesn't mean you're gonna
get away with anything.
Quit shoving, will you?
What do you think you are,
some kind of a Tiberius
Caesar or something?
You're probably the kind of guy
that-that would become a dictator
if you were given just an
inch of power or something.
Yeah, well, I'm not
a-a peasant or a serf
or one of those
sl*ve girls or anything.
Okay.
Well, I-I'd love to.
Oh, no, I can't go tonight.
Well, that's another
part of the deal.
Dad's paying me
extra for baby-sitting.
I'm gonna come out of this thing
smelling like a
rose... A rich rose.
Wait a minute,
there's the doorbell.
Uh, come in.
Uh, somebody's here;
can I call you back?
Okay.
Hello.
Hello, dear.
Are your folks home?
Uh, no, they're not, but,
uh, I'm running the house.
Good for you!
Why I'm here is, I need votes.
Votes?
Yes, dear.
It's a kind of a neighborhood
personality poll thing.
If I get enough votes, I
get a free trip to Rome!
W-Well, if it'll do any
good, I'll vote for you.
You will?
Well, sure. What
do I have to do?
Well, that'll cost
you three dollars
for a two-year subscription.
Any magazine on the list.
The monthly magazines
are a dollar extra.
The bi-monthlies you get for...
Hello?
Oh... hello, Mrs. Bergen.
No, they're not.
But, uh, I'm Chip's guardian
for the next few days.
You want me to come
down to school now?
What did Chip do?
I'll tell you what he did.
Chip was an uncooperative
citizen during recess.
He was?
We were choosing
sides for a softball game,
and he refused to be
chosen by Mary Lou here.
Yeah?
The school can only go so far
in these disciplinary
problems, Mr. Douglas,
and then we feel it's
time to call in the parents
or the guardians.
Yeah, well, sure.
Uh... Chip, why didn't you
want to be on Mary Lou's team?
'Cause she cheats.
I do not.
You do, too. If
her team's losing
she beats everybody
up until she wins.
She beats up the boys, too?
Sure. She's a
real terrible girl.
Chip Douglas!
Do you... do you want
to lose some petals
from your courtesy daisy?
No, ma'am.
Then you'd better
apologize to Mary Lou.
Well, come on, get it over with.
I got to get home and
make a shopping list.
Well, I-I don't think
"getting it over with"
is the point in
question, Mr. Douglas.
Chip must realize that he
must be courteous to a lady.
Oh, yeah.
Uh, Chip... you shouldn't
go around telling people
that this little girl
beats people up.
But she does.
Last week she knocked
William Toomey's teeth
clear across the
basketball court.
Oh, Chip Douglas! I'm
sure that if that were true,
William Toomey would
have come to me and told me.
No, he wouldn't... who
wants everybody to know
that a girl can knock
your teeth that far?
All right, Chip, now,
apologize to Mary Lou.
I'm sorry.
Well, fine.
Now, you may both go out
and enjoy the rest of
your gymnasium period.
Yeah?
I'm awfully glad
you could come over,
Mr. Douglas.
I-I didn't like to call...
Somebody answer the phone!
Hello?
Robbie! What's the big idea?
Didn't I ask you to come
straight home from school today?
No, you can't stay
over at Hank's.
Look, Rob, I want you
guys to stick close to home
while Dad and Bub are away.
I don't care how many
driver's licenses Hank has;
you come home.
All right, all right,
bring him with you,
but you be here in 20 minutes.
Okay.
All right, you guys, scram.
And stay out of those cookies.
Can I swallow this one
I already got halfway
down my throat?
Yes.
Can Sudsy stay for dinner?
Oh, I don't know, Chip.
Rob's bringing Hank over, and
I just bought a little hamburger.
You want me to
go in the other room
so you can talk about me?
No, Sudsy, you can stay.
Okay. My mom says I
can stay all night, too.
Let's go.
Hey, Chip.
Cut it out, will you?
Oh, I don't know. Hang on.
She says how come your dad
didn't buy an a*t*matic shift?
Well, I don't know, I guess
he likes the other kind better.
He doesn't know, he guesses
he likes the other kind better.
Yeah. Okay, you
guys, table's clear.
How about somebody getting
his carcass in the kitchen
and washing the dishes?
Okay, Marilyn, we'll
be by in a little while.
Sure. Oh, don't
worry about that.
Hank's a real good driver.
I said, how about somebody
getting in the kitchen
and washing the dishes?
Yeah, we'll be
over in a little while.
This time I'm not
asking, I'm telling.
Oh, yeah, he needs a little
work on his parallel parking.
Yeah.
Hey, come on, I was just
talking to Marilyn Turnthurston!
I don't care if you're
talking to Betsy Ross!
Now, I had a day around
here that won't quit... I had to go
down and get Chip out
of a jam at his school,
do the shopping,
cook the stupid meal,
and if somebody doesn't
get in there and do something,
they're gonna get belted!
Boy, he sounds
just like my mother.
Hank, I'm sorry,
but you better leave.
Chip and Sudsy,
get in the dining room
and start your homework.
And Robbie, get in that kitchen!
Now, wait a minute.
Good night, Hank.
You know what you're
going to grow up to be?
A boys' vice principal.
Okay, okay.
I'm going, I'm going.
But you just better enjoy
this while you can, man,
because one of these
days, I'm going to put on
about 30 pounds, and then...
and then you better
watch out, Mabel.
Hello.
Oh. Hi, Dad.
Hi, Mike. I just
thought I'd call up
and see how everything
went the first day.
Uh, swell.
We, uh, just finished dinner,
Chip and Sudsy are studying,
and Rob's doing the dishes.
Robbie's washing the dishes?
Now, how did you
arrange that, Mike?
And I want the truth.
Well, it's... it's not
what you're thinking.
I mean, all I did
was talk to him.
I may have gotten a little loud,
but, uh, all I used was words.
Yeah, that's all right.
Uh, Chip and Sudsy are
doing their homework, huh?
Yeah. Sudsy's
spending the night.
Oh, now, I don't think that's
such a good idea, Mike.
Uh, I think maybe you
better send Sudsy home.
Why?
What can happen?
Well, a lot of
things can happen.
I mean, uh... well,
maybe you're right.
Well, I'll get away from
here as soon as I can.
Quit worrying, will you, Dad?
I've got everything
under control.
I'm sure you have, Mike.
I'll see you.
Good-bye.
Okay. Good-bye.
Mike, what do I do if
the sink's all stopped up
and there's water running
all over the kitchen!?
Well, don't just stand there!
Grab a mop. Relax!
Relax. It... it didn't happen.
I just wondered what
I'd do if it did happen.
Hardy har har.
What do you want, Sudsy?
I don't feel good.
You don't?
Uh-uh.
Well... where do you hurt?
In my stomach.
I think I got a
strepto-cockeye or something.
Well, you don't feel hot.
What does your mother usually do
when you get like this?
She just puts a towel by my
bed and goes back to sleep.
Hey, Sudsy, what
are you doing here?
I'm sick.
I want to go home.
Okay, Sudsy.
Sure hate to wake your
folks at this time of night.
We had a plain dinner.
I don't think that could
have made you sick.
Maybe you put too much
honey on your hamburgers.
Yeah.
You put honey on
your hamburgers?
Sure.
But why?
'Cause we couldn't
find the powdered sugar.
I don't think he's sick.
He's just scared 'cause
he's sleeping over
at somebody else's house.
Go on back to bed.
Come on, Sudsy.
We'll call your folks.
If a lady answers,
it'll be my mother,
'cause my father's in Chicago.
Hello?
Oh, hello. Mrs. Pfeiffer?
This is Mike Douglas.
I'm sorry to waken
you at this time of night,
but Sudsy says he's sick.
Sick?
What's the matter?
Oh, I don't think it's
anything too serious.
He's got a stomachache,
says he has a streptococcus
and wants to come home.
There's nothing to
worry about, Mike.
He probably had a nightmare
and he's just a little frightened.
Oh.
Well, uh, what'll I do?
Well, I'll tell you what
we do when this happens.
We let him sleep with one of us.
You do? Yes.
If it worries you, I'll
come over and get him.
Oh, no. Th-That's-That's
okay, Mrs. Pfeiffer.
Thank you. Good night.
Let's go back to my room.
♪ ♪
Oh, slow down.
Your eggs are on the table.
We can't. We're late.
What do you mean?
I made eggs and
cereal and toast.
Yeah, but if we're
late once more,
Mrs. Bergen's
gonna cut our throats.
Not only that. She'll take three
petals off our promptness daisy.
See ya!
Bye.
I had a very nice
time at your house.
Thank you.
I suppose you haven't got
enough time to eat, either.
Oh, sure. I got plenty of time.
Hank's picking me
up in his dad's car.
Hank's father sure is
generous with that car.
Well, it's not that.
It's mainly that his
dad is in Europe.
Hey, Mike, if Marilyn
Turnthurston calls,
tell her I'll be over
right after dinner.
But you won't.
Well, she's expecting me.
I told her that we could horse
around with Shakespeare
for English Lit.
Well, just make plans
to horse around with
Shakespeare over here, will ya?
Aw, come on, Mike.
Quit playing papa, will ya?
I'm not playing papa, Robbie.
I'm trying to do
what I think is best.
Now, I told you guys,
I want you to stay here
where I can keep an eye on you.
You know what's
wrong with you, Mike?
You've got a big-head complex.
Now, what's wrong with going
over King Lear with Marilyn?
There's nothing's wrong with it,
only you're not
doing it on my time!
Yeah? And suppose I do?
Look, Rob... Don't
you understand
that Dad left me here
to look after you guys.
And I want Dad and
Bub to come back
and find everything
just the way they left it.
There's something
to this responsibility bit
that I didn't know about before.
All you really want is to
foul me up w-with Marilyn
and Hank and all my friends!
How do you think it sounds
when I tell them I can't stay out
because I have to report
home to my big brother?!
I don't care how it
sounds. You're gonna do it.
I don't care. You can
hate me all you want,
but only don't call
it "responsibility."
Wait a minute, Rob.
Rob?
Hello?
Oh. Hi, Bub.
Hi. I just thought I'd check
and see how things were going.
Uh, fine.
Are you getting the kids
off to school all right?
Yeah.
Matter of fact, uh, Rob just
went out the door this minute.
Just left this minute?
Why, he'll be late.
Oh, no. He's, uh... He's
got a ride this morning.
Hank's picking him
up in his dad's car.
But she shouldn't let
him drive with Hank, Mike.
Hank's got a license.
It's not that. He's too tall.
By the time that brain of his
sends a message to his feet,
the car could be up a tree.
They'll be all right.
You can't run a
house full of boys
on that premise, Mike.
You got to work with the idea
that everything they do
will get them into trouble.
That way you're way ahead
every time they get home safe.
Look, Rob can
take care of himself.
Now, Marilyn, are you sure
you haven't seen Robbie?
Well, all right.
If you do see him, you tell
him to get home right away
because he's in big trouble.
Okay. Thanks, Marilyn.
I'm hungry.
Well, I'm sorry,
but we can't eat
until we find out what's
happened to Robbie.
What did Hank's mother say
again, when you asked her?
Well, she said Hank
didn't come home, either.
You think Robbie's okay?
Oh, yeah. Sure.
Then how come you look worried?
I'm not worried.
Yes, you are.
No, I'm not.
I'd better call Hank's
mother myself.
Hello?
Uh, this is Troy Cooper,
boys' vice principal
at Bryant High School.
Are Robert Douglas's
parents there?
Well, I'm his
parents, Mr. Cooper.
That is, I'm in charge of him.
Well, I'm sorry to
have to tell you this,
but there was an
accident at the high school.
Accident?
Yes. Robert and Henry
Ferguson were involved
in setting up the temporary
bleachers on the athletic field.
The entire structure collapsed.
Collapsed?
Well, where is he?
He's here at Mercy Hospital.
Mercy Hospital.
Well, thanks,
Mr. Cooper. Good-bye.
Well, look, uh, Robbie and
Hank have had a little accident
and I'm going to have
to go to the hospital,
and I think you better
go over to Sudsy's house.
Is Robbie hurt?
I don't know. Now, get going.
I want to come, too.
Look, Chip, I-I think
it would be better
if you went to Sudsy's.
No. He's my brother, too.
Chip, I want you to
go to Sudsy's house!
No!
Look, I haven't got
time to argue about it.
All right, come on.
No luck?
Uh-uh. Nobody will answer.
How's your friend?
Oh, Hank? Oh,
he-he's doing okay.
The doctor said we could go home
right after he finishes
putting in the stitches.
Oh, you boys were lucky.
We just admitted two
boys a few minutes ago
who were in an accident, too.
Only they're in
critical condition.
Oh, gee, that's too bad.
Yes, it is.
You should be very thankful.
Oh, I am.
Well, I better go back
and see how Hank's doing.
Howdy. Hi.
Hey, how are those
two boys in emergency?
They're in pretty bad
shape, but they'll make it.
Oh, you'll have to go up to the
second floor if you want coffee.
The percolator
down here blew out.
Good, I need the
exercise, anyway.
How's my brother!?
Well, who's your brother, son?
The one who was in the
accident with the other kid.
Oh, uh, both boys
are doing fine.
What do you mean "doing fine"?
What's wrong with my brother!?
Shh. Please just sit over there.
You don't understand!
We had a fight this...
My father is...
Please tell me. What's
wrong with my brother?
The doctor is with them now
and as soon as I know anything,
I'll let you know...
Emergency...
Please, young man.
Just sit here and I'll
find out what I can.
You too, honey.
But we got to find
out how Robbie is!
Robbie?
Robert Douglas. That's his name.
Wait a minute.
I want to check
something in the office.
Stay there.
Pardon me.
Robbie! Robbie! Robbie!
Hi, Robbie! Robbie!
Now, what are you
guys so excited about?
Oh, you don't know
what we've been through.
You just don't know! Me, too.
Oh, you're a... We
thought... We... Oh, Rob!
You're okay! Come on, you guys.
She's watching.
Mike, do you suppose
if I was real careful,
maybe I could go
over and see Hank?
Hey, what are you eating?
Well, an apple.
Well, look how green it is.
Go get another one. That'll
give you a stomachache.
Oh, come on, Mike.
Quit being such a
mother hen, will ya?
Somebody has to worry about you.
And don't run up those
stairs two at a time.
You're liable to
bust your ankle.
Yes, sir.
Where you going, Chip?
I'm going over to Sudsy's.
Well, have Sudsy
come over here, huh?
Yeah, but Bub always
lets me go over there.
Look, Chip, you'd have
to cross two streets,
the Rasmussens have a new
dog that I'm not too sure about,
and-and it looks like
it could rain outside.
Hey, anybody home? Hi!
Hi, Bub! How are ya, Chipper?
Hi, Dad! Glad to see you. Hi.
Hey, Robbie! Bub
and Dad are home!
Bumped into each
other at the airport.
No kidding. Hi there, Tramp.
I'm glad you're back.
Here, let me take
your bag for you,
Dad. Come here!
We didn't expect
a greeting like this.
We've only been
gone for a few days.
It's good to see you again.
How'd it go, Mike?
Well, fine. Just
as smooth as silk.
Can I go over to Sudsy's? Now?
Yeah. It's been like being
in jail around here lately.
Yeah, Mike thinks we're gonna
break an arm just
combing our hair.
Yeah, and he wouldn't
even let Tramp chase cats!
All right, you guys. You're
all in one piece, aren't you?
Yeah, well, you practically
had to lock us in
the closet to do it.
Chip, you can go
over to Sudsy's,
if you like.
Come on, Tramp! And Rob,
you can go over to Hank's
if that's what's
on your mind. It is!
Thanks a lot,
Dad. I better go...
I better go and see if
my kitchen's still there.
Well, of course it is, and
it's in good shape, too.
It better be. It is!
Oh, boy. Is it always like this?
Like what, Mike?
Well, I mean, when
you're a father,
do you always have to
think of where your kids are
and what they're doing?
Well, I don't think quite as
much as you seem to have, Mike,
but, uh, they're
always on your mind.
It has something to do
with, uh, parental love.
Love? You know something?
I was better off thinking
they were a couple of pests.