01x02 - Santa Goes Downtown

[bunniefuu]

- Good evening, Liz.

- Hi, Dan.

Saw you on the Perry Como special.

Great.

Hey, Carla B.

, how'd you like to see a trick? Sorry.

It's my night off.

Your Honor, we're ready to begin.

I hold in my hand an ordinary magic ball.

I hold in my hand a caseload that would choke a horse.

- I put the ball in my hand like this.

- Yeah, we're really busy tonight Now, watch.

Now, I shuffle up my hands.

- I got a little headache too.

- Yeah.

And then, you gotta guess which hand is the ball in.

- Your Honor, we're all set.

- Fine.

- Which hand? - Your Honor, I don't Please guess, or we'll all grow old and die here.

- This one.

- Wrong.

I can see it, you know, kind of in between your fingers there.

- Damn.

- We didn't see anything.

- I didn't see it.

It was perfect.

- I didn't see it.

- Shall I call the first case, Your Honor? - Ready when you are, CB.

- Dan, it wasn't that funny.

- I know.

- Bull.

- Right.

Well, I think this fellow needs no introduction.

- Thanks, Harry.

- You remembered.

- Anything else, Your Honor? - No, thanks, Bull.

- I was just doing my job.

- Oh, that's all right, son.

Don't worry, and thanks again for the nice letter.

- Yeah.

- A John Doe, Your Honor.

He refuses to give any other name other than Santa Claus.

The police are still checking his fingerprints.

- What's the charge? - Trespassing, Your Honor.

Security guards at Redfield's department store found him and a couple of other derelicts sleeping there after hours.

Your Honor, I object to the prosecution referring to my client as "derelict.

" All Santa had in his bag was a box of Chiclets and a half-empty bottle of gin.

f*ring up the old yule log, eh, Mr.

Claus? Well, sure, I had a couple of blasts.

Always takes me a couple of weeks to wind down after Christmas.

But then, come March, I'm back to work already.

Production meetings, toy conventions, zip codes to update.

What's the matter? Can't your little elves take some of the load off? Danny, there was some messy little business with a doll when you were eight.

Don't make me bring it up.

Mr.

Claus.

Mr.

Claus.

I want you to know that when it comes to fantasies, legends, myths I don't think there's anyone in the world who believes more than I.

Right, Mr.

Fielding? You're a mythical kind of guy, Your Honor.

Right, but I'm also a judge.

And as a judge, I think we could settle this matter quickly and equitably if you would just give us your real name.

- Elizabeth.

- He's right.

It would be easier.

You're my defense attorney.

- Don't you believe that I'm Santa Claus? - Oh, I do.

I mean, I would like to.

- I really would.

- We all would.

Believe me.

But unfortunately that is part of the price we paid for growing up.

- The prisoner's status sheet, Your Honor.

- Thank you.

Hi.

- Hi.

- I'm Santa Claus.

I'm the Easter Bunny.

We'll have lunch.

And believe me, boy, Rudolph didn't like that one little bit.

That's funny.

Carla B.

, right? It's a fine line between naughty and nice, isn't it? That's quite a group of admirers Santa has over there.

- Yeah.

- Any more from the police on his identity? - Not yet.

He's a cute old guy though, isn't he? A right, jolly old elf, almost.

It's funny, isn't it, how he seems to know all of our names.

Yeah, it is.

- There are nameplates.

- Yeah, but - And badges.

- Sure.

However Our names are published in the daily calendar.

Okay, okay.

One more case before lunch, Your Honor.

- Well, then let's roll.

- Okay.

Bring the kids in.

- What have we got here? - More unknowns I'm afraid, Your Honor.

They were picked up for shoplifting and refuse to give their names.

Probably runaways.

Hi.

I'm Judge Stone.

And you're? Batman.

This is my old lady, Wonder Woman.

Permission to smack him around a little, Your Honor.

Denied, but the court sympathizes, Mr.

Prosecutor.

What's the story? They were apprehended leaving a grocery store with unpurchased items.

He had a streusel in his pants, and she had a blouse full of Fritos.

Never occurred to you to steal an entrée, huh? - Look, spare us the lectures, okay? - Eddie.

- What did I tell you about the name stuff? - That's all I'm gonna tell him.

Don't worry.

- Eddie.

Eddie what? - Cleaver.

Perhaps you know my brothers, Wally and the Beav.

Just a few minutes alone with him.

That's all.

What is your name, young lady? - Mary.

- Enough with the names already.

Just tell us your full names and where you live, so we can contact your parents.

Our parents don't care any more about us than you do so why don't we quit wasting time and get on Young man, you're in court, and that's no way to talk to a judge.

Eddie's right.

Nobody cares about us except us and that's why we're getting married.

You look a little young to be getting married.

You look a little young to be a judge.

- Touché, you little - Your Honor.

The juvenile authorities have been notified.

I suggest we remand them over to them for disposition.

- Mr.

Prosecutor.

- Uncle Dan has no objections.

Fine.

Then it is so ordered.

Okay, you two.

Have you ever seen The Munsters? That's right.

Egg him on.

That's dinner, everybody.

You see, in Holland I leave the presents in the children's shoes.

- Well, there was this one kid - Hey.

Hey, Santa Claus.

Why don't you tell us what it's like up in the North Pole there.

Bet you freeze your sleigh bells off at night, right? - He's a worm.

- He's a kid.

Someday he'll grow up.

And be a large worm.

Why are you so angry, young man? Me? I ain't angry.

- Am I, sweetheart? - Not to me you're not.

What do you want me to do, gramps? Climb on your knee and tell you what I want for Christmas? If you'd like.

If I'd like? Hey, somebody get this twinkie away from me.

Hey! That'll be enough out of you.

This is my courtroom and you will treat people with respect.

This nut thinks he's Santa Claus.

Well, how do you know he isn't? I think I've seen this on The Twilight Zone.

Kids, maybe we got off on the wrong foot earlier.

You wanna have some fun? Here.

Here's a magic ball.

Now, I put it in my hand, and then I get some magic powder then I sprinkle it on the ball and it's gone.

Where'd the ball go? In your pocket.

In your ear.

Oh, judge, don't get angry at him.

He's not a bad boy.

He's just a little frustrated, that's all.

Believe me l've seen it a million times before.

Eddie, is he really Santa Claus? Oh, sure he is.

Look, look.

He's got a red suit.

He's got a beard.

You need more proof than that? You know, it's all right for you not to believe in me.

It really is, because the important thing is that I believe in you.

- What is that supposed to mean? - Well, it means I care.

That's all.

Oh, sure.

How comforting! I can smell the booze on you from here.

What am I supposed to do? Jump up and down because some wino in a red suit tells me he cares? - I do care! - Maybe a game of charades would be fun.

You can laugh at me all you want.

All of you disbelievers can laugh all you want! But don't tell me I don't care! Don't anybody ever tell me I don't care! - What happened? - Get back, people.

Give him some air.

It's all right.

I'll be I'll be fine.

Listen, if I don't make it, tell Tell Frosty goodbye.

I'm just kidding.

Get a doctor.

Well.

Just let him rest awhile and he should be all right.

This kind of heart condition, there's not much more you can do.

- I told him.

- I'm sorry.

It just sounds better coming from him.

Thanks, doc.

- I'm glad you were in the building.

- Glad I could help.

Take care, Santa.

Say do you like that new putter your wife got you for Christmas? Oh, yeah.

It's great.

Thanks.

Now do you believe me, young man? He's a doctor.

What else is he gonna get for Christmas? Harry you know who I am now.

Don't you? Let me show you a trick with a red ball.

Harry I am Santa Claus.

- Okay.

Okay, you're Santa Claus.

- No, I mean, the one the only, the true Santa Claus.

If you mean the personification of the spirit of Christmas then, yeah.

I think you and a couple of others do fit the bill.

Now you're on the right track, only there are no others.

There's only one at a time, and when his time has passed like mine almost is he passes it on.

He passes what on? The power, the spirit.

The door.

- How is he? - Spooky.

Did I mention the ability to hear the slightest sounds and read thoughts? No, you hadn't gotten to that part yet.

Okay.

What's going on? What are you two talking about? I was telling the judge about my search for a replacement.

Replacement for what? - Harry.

- Right.

You read minds.

I forgot.

Hey, you.

Hey, me? Yeah.

- How's the old man doing? - I don't know.

Sure, he's nuts and all, but I didn't mean him no harm or nothing.

No, of course not.

Mister, what do you think we are, animals or something? I have no proof, if that's what you mean.

Wanna have some fun? Go and tease Bull about his hair.

He loves it, really.

Your Honor, we got the identification on the two runaways.

- Police just sent this over.

- Well, there's one mystery unraveled.

- Selma, go ask Bull to bring the kids in.

- Right.

- There you go.

- Harry, may I have that? - Why? - I just thought, you see if those kids don't know about that report and I still manage to know their identities Then they might believe in Santa Claus.

They might believe in something.

That'd be a start.

And it'd make a sick, old man happy.

Come on, judge.

Just to see the look on their faces would be worth it.

Oh, come on, Harry.

It'll be so cute.

Cute? Gee willikers, I'm all for it.

Here you go, Your Honor.

- What's going on here? - Is this where we get the rubber hoses? I told you I was just kidding about that.

We thought we'd give you kids another chance to give us your full names and tell us where you live.

No way.

Like we said, our parents couldn't care less where we are.

That's not true Mary Elaine Montgomery.

- How did you know my name? - A lot of things I know about you.

For example, I know that your mom and dad Art and Celeste miss you very much and want you back home.

- You told him.

- I did not.

She didn't say a word, Eddie Simms.

- You know who I am? - 3rd and 84th, apartment 6C.

That Eddie Simms.

Yeah.

Well, if you know that, then you know the people who live there and call themselves my parents don't give a damn if I come home or not.

Eddie, I know it appears that way right now, but believe me it's not true.

- Yeah? How do you know? - How did I know your name? How did I know your address? How do I know the names and addresses of every man, woman and child in the whole world? How do I know that your secret desire is to be loved to be hugged to be held to be cared for? That's crazy.

It's true, Eddie.

You know it.

You told me.

Yeah, well, what if it is? How do you know all that anyway? How do you know what goes on in other people's heads? Because I'm Santa Claus.

- Judge Harold T.

Stone? - I'm Judge Stone.

Dr.

Peter Green, Winwood Psychiatric Center.

- The police told me I'd find John here.

- John? John Stevens, the man in the red flannel suit.

Oh, that John Stevens.

- Dr.

Green, what a surprise.

- Hello, John.

I feel fortunate.

We usually don't catch him this soon after Christmas.

- You don't? - No, every year he disappears just before Christmas.

Usually manages to elude us till about the first of February.

- You mean this guy's a fruitcake? - Bull.

I'm sorry.

Alleged fruitcake? Well, what do you know? Another adult who lies about things.

- My, my, Santa, am I ever surprised.

- Eddie, don't.

He's sick.

I know he's sick! I'm sick too.

- You wanna hear something crazy? - It's my job.

I actually started listening to this old coot.

For a minute there, I actually believed him.

Me, Eddie Simms, actually believed in Santa Claus.

- Eddie - You're a phony, old man.

You're a fake.

Other people just tell lies.

You live them.

You apologize to him.

- What? - I said, apologize to him! - For what?! - Are you that stupid? I ain't saying nothing without my attorney present.

She's here.

Tell him if you're stupid or not.

That man cares for you, Eddie.

He cares enough to take the time, to risk his health to risk ridicule just to show you that.

- Yeah, well, nobody asked him.

- Feels good, don't it? Not having to ask? What do you want? You want me to say thank you? Okay, fine.

Thank you, Santa.

Thank you.

Thanks for caring.

- Sorry, it didn't work out.

Maybe next year.

- What's the point? Remember Remember when you were 5 and you were sick, and your mom had to hold you down to get the medicine in? Okay, you thick-skulled, empty-headed little creep.

He cares for you.

Mary cares for you.

I care for you.

You are in the middle of a room full of people that care for you.

- Bull.

- Yeah? You know, I am sick of hearing how everybody cares for me.

I am sick of hearing the word "care"! It is just talk! That's all it is! It's just talk.

- Just talk! What are you doing? - Come here.

- Let me go! - Stop squirming.

- What are you doing? - I'm hugging you, dummy.

- Let go of me.

Stop.

Please, stop it.

- Shut up.

- Shut up.

- Please.

Shut up.

I don't understand what happened.

- Transference.

- What? The object of the patient's anger is transferred to the analyst which creates a cathartic condition as well as fertile ground for ratiocination and self-communion.

Yeah.

That's what I thought.

I'm sorry for crinkling your robe.

Hey, two minutes in a dryer, good as new.

- Eddie, are you all right? - Yeah.

Yeah, I'm okay.

I feel a little stupid.

And better.

Please, no more rough stuff.

Come on, John.

Let's go.

I've got a car waiting.

This'll show my right to guardianship in case of any question about the charges.

I'll remand him into your custody now, doctor.

I'm sure the charges will be dropped under the circumstances.

Ready, John? - Goodbye, Harry.

- Goodbye.

You really believe you're Santa Claus, don't you? Oh, I believe this is yours, isn't it? - Lana.

- A pleasure.

Bull.

Thank you, Elizabeth.

Hey about what I said before.

- Oh, don't worry.

I didn't believe you either.

Wait a minute.

How did you know our names and where we lived and all that other stuff? We got a report from the police missing persons department.

It arrived before you got here.

See.

"Missing since Friday, Ben Kurasawa, age 13 and Nancy Tanaka, age 12.

" Harry, about my proposition Think it over.

More banana brandy, anyone? It came in that Christmas basket with the stuff you've been munching on.

The candied oysters were good.

- Strange day, huh? - Yeah.

I'm sure there must be an explanation for everything.

Oh, I'm sure there must be.

Like what? He overheard some policemen talking, perhaps.

Yeah.

Or he picked up the phone when we weren't looking disguised his voice, took down the information replaced the receiver without us noticing, and we were none the wiser.

You will always be none the wiser.

It's open.

Come on in.

I said, come in.

It's open.

Hey, guys.

Come here.

Look at this! Look at this! There! - It's Selma.

- That'd be my guess.

- Did you see something weird in the hall? - I'll say.

If you think I'm cleaning that up, you're crazy.