02x01 - The Nun

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- Warrants to sign, sir.

- Mac, where do you get all that energy? I run about 30 miles a week.

Guess I picked that up in the Army.

I remember when only tough guys went in for that stuff.

Now it's the latest rage.

In ranger training, I had to cover 50 miles with no supplies then k*ll a chicken with my bare hands for lunch.

That probably won't catch on.

- Nice job on that last case.

- Thanks.

- How about a drink after work? - I don't drink.

- I know an all-night disco.

- I don't dance.

- Wanna just come up to my place? - I don't like you.

Well, I don't like you either.

You don't see that stopping me, do you? We're ready.

We get out of here at 4:00 in the morning, and she wants somebody to like.

- There you go, Mac.

- Next case, Your Honor.

Attempted robbery.

Who'd she stick up? - That's a joke, Mac.

- Yes, sir, very amusing.

I swear I had no idea she was a nun.

Her back was turned.

All I saw was black.

The greatest story ever told.

Hey, I may be a criminal, but I have a sense of piety.

Sure you do.

Hey, I even had a Saint Christopher medal in my car.

Okay, it wasn't my car, but it was my medal.

Has she been checked for concealed weapons? The defendant tried to grab Sister Williams' purse at the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

We have witnesses and affidavits.

Your Judge, as a former altar boy I just wanna say that I got nothing but utmost reverence for the Church.

If it pleases the court, the state would like to chuckle.

I mean, what kind of an idiot robs a nun? Nuns are holy.

Nuns are consecrated.

Nuns are - Broke.

- Exactly.

Your Honor, the plaintiff was standing in full view, directly in front of the Rodin exhibit.

Rodin.

Hey, I love that guy.

How about those Gates of Hell, huh, Sister? Well, when it comes to the unabated horrors of human suffering nobody does it better.

Queen for a Day had its moments too.

Mr.

Pina, the evidence indicates that you have committed a Class C felony.

I haven't committed a mortal sin, have I? You wanna field that one, Sister? I can forgive the sinner.

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

But not the sin.

- Game and match, Sister Sara.

- Game and match.

All over for a grand jury.

Next case.

Hey, wait a minute.

What am I so worried about? I'll repent, and God will forgive me.

Heh, heh, heh.

"Vengeance is mine," sayeth the Lord.

So the guy says, "Hey, any friend of Liberace's is a friend of mine.

" Where are these tough crowds I've been hearing about, huh? - Next case.

- Sister Sara.

- Your Honor.

- Well, Mac, forget it.

He's on a roll.

- Sister Sara.

- No.

- No.

- Sister Sara.

- No more, please.

- Okay, no more, Scout's honor.

- Booga-booga-booga.

- Ah, ha-ha-ha! Whoa, whoa, counselor, counselor.

I wanted to make sure that you didn't misunderstand my intentions last night.

You wanted cheap casual sex.

Good.

You didn't misunderstand.

I find you base, disgusting, lewd, vile and obscene.

Yet I still support the ERA.

Refreshing, isn't it? Hello.

Hello.

You don't know who I am, do you? You're the girl that's gonna take me away from all this.

We'll live in a little frame house by a brook.

Maybe raise some chickens.

You like chickens? - Forget the chickens.

- I'm Sara.

Of course you are.

As in Sister Sara.

Get out of here.

No, really, I am.

You are.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't recognize you with clothes on.

- I mean, l - Guess what.

- What? - I am no longer a nun.

- They fired you? - No.

I decided to resign, and I have you to thank.

Me? What did I do? I have been agonizing over this decision for a long time.

For six years, I have been living in a world that just wasn't right for me because that's what I thought commitment meant, understand? No.

Then yesterday, there you were.

A municipal court judge acting so lighthearted and carefree.

You showed me that it was possible to be committed to something without sacrificing freedom and spontaneity.

I was making chicken lips.

So I have finally decided what I really want is to have a crazy wild love affair with life.

Harry, guess what Bull crammed into his lunch box tonight.

- You're busy.

We'll come back.

- No, no, come on in.

You all remember Sara.

- My, what a luscious little - The nun.

Hey, how are you? - Well, I won't keep you.

- Thanks for dropping by.

I might stay and watch for a bit.

- Maybe I'll see you afterward.

- Maybe.

I don't have dinner plans.

Well, uh, we'll see.

It's probably gonna be a pretty late night.

No, no, doc, it's pretty light.

Not many cases at all.

Yeah, but the ones we got are toughies.

We got equal rights about bussing, prayer in schools.

- I was kidding on that last one.

I know.

That's what I like about you.

It must be wonderful working with him.

Simply divine.

- I'll see you later.

Yeah.

Bye.

- She's got a thing for you.

- That is ridiculous.

That is utterly absurd.

That is a real laugh.

Did I mention that she isn't a nun anymore? Oh, wow, she stripped her vows for you? She did not.

What'd you do to her? I didn't do anything.

She's got a thing for you.

Come on now.

Twenty-four hours ago, she was a Married to God.

I understand her ex has a temper.

You guys are blowing this whole thing out of proportion.

She told me herself that she just dropped by to thank me and to tell me that she wanted to have a crazy, wild love affair with life.

You don't really need a fishing pole.

They sort of just jump into the boat.

Do you, sir? Your Honor, I have only two words to say to you: Rex Baltimore.

Whoa, I've heard this.

When I was very young, Rex Baltimore was a radio announcer.

He had a voice that would melt butter.

Every night, I would lie next to my radio and listen to Rex.

I sent him letters.

He sent letters back.

I used to hang them over my bed.

That's sweet.

Then one day, he called me up and asked me out to dinner.

But he never showed up.

I'll never forget how much it hurt.

Gee, that's too bad, Selma.

The point is, this girl is very innocent and very trusting, like I was.

She can be hurt very easily, Harry.

Just don't forget that.

That's quite a story, Selma.

Thanks.

Selma.

Did you ever find out why Rex didn't show? Yes.

The Hindenburg fell on him.

I'll grant a continuance on this one.

What's next? - Do the words "chow down" ring a bell, sir? - Oh, yes, Your Honor.

We're starving.

You can't ignore her forever, Harry.

One more case, huh? We'll work up an appetite.

That's what you said an hour ago, sir.

Now mine's worked up real nice.

Now, I mean, it's ready for something raw.

Your Honor, if we do not eat, we will grow weak and then die on your floor.

- What's next, Mac? - Anita Fries and Arnold Burger.

- Call them, Bull.

- Burger and Fries, please.

- What have we got here? Anita Fries, Your Honor.

She's charged with solicitation of prostitution, robbery and as*ault.

How nice, but in the interest of time let's try not to dwell on the insignificant details.

Particularly the graphic ones, huh? It's very simple.

She took my money and won't give it back.

I have a strict no-refund policy.

Your Honor, apparently, Ms.

Fries provided neither goods nor services.

- He's a pervert.

- Oh, come on.

- One little remark does not make me a p - Mr.

Prosecutor.

I believe she was referring to your witness.

Of course she was.

Your Honor, the defense wishes to submit Mr.

Burger's demands concerning their business arrangement.

This is a grocery list.

You wanna hear what this creep wanted me to do? No.

This sicko gets his kicks off of food.

He gives me 50 bucks and expects me to spend it half on melon balls, ice cream, sprinkles and Bing cherries.

They're in season.

You wanna hear what he wanted me to do? That won't be necessary.

He wanted me to take that stuff and put it over here and here and here and Okay, that's it.

One-hour meal break, folks.

Uh, counselor.

We're both tired.

It's gonna be late before we get out of here.

- How about tomorrow night? - A close friend of mine d*ed.

I have to go to a memorial service.

So you going stag? - Hi.

- Hi.

Sara, I can't think of any reason why we shouldn't have dinner.

Great.

I'll go freshen up.

Okay, I'll slip into something less comfortable.

You're wonderful.

Sometimes it's a curse.

Hey, we're just going to have dinner, huh? Am I making a big mistake here? - You're two mature, responsible adults.

- Right.

Who are going to burn in hell forever.

I'm just kidding.

Three thousand years tops.

This is a great place.

You're gonna love the pizza.

Evening, folks.

I'm Ernie Tanaka, your host.

- Just the two of you? - Yeah.

Excuse me, wasn't this an Italian restaurant yesterday? Say, you've got a sharp eye for detail, don't you? This way, please.

- Oh, Harry, it's so romantic.

- It's the paper lanterns.

Cheap, yet mystical.

There you go.

Very private.

- No one will know what you're up to.

- Don't wink, Ernie.

I hate winking.

I haven't been in a restaurant in six years.

- Where have you been hiding yourself? - In a convent.

In a con That's funny.

That's great.

- How about some water? - How about a drink? - I'll have a Harvey Wallbanger.

- I like her.

I like her.

- And for the gentleman.

- I'm still working.

I'll have a virgin mary.

Make that a Shirley Temple.

They drink many Harvey Wallbangers at the convent, do they? No, that's why I want one.

There's so much to catch up on.

- Sara - Harry, I want you to show me everything.

Medical supplies.

I left my samples in the car.

- I love your wit.

- Yeah, Sara I love your eyes too.

Thanks, they were a set.

One Harvey Wallbanger, one kiddie cocktail.

Oh, thank you.

It looks delicious.

So do you, my dear.

You have a great woman there, fella.

- She's not my woman.

- Yet.

Yet.

The hunt's on.

No hunting, Ernie.

No one's hunting.

- What's sushi? - Sushi.

Raw fish.

Makes you wanna gag, doesn't it? - What a nice man.

- Yeah, a bit untraditional.

Sake and cola? Well, you're a bit untraditional yourself, aren't you, Harry Stone? Most of us are, or would like to be.

I'd like to be.

Exactly how much experience have you had drinking? I'm afraid I haven't had much experience with anything.

When I was 7, I saw Audrey Hepburn in The Nun Story.

That's when I decided.

It must have been an impressionable age.

I wanted to be a Flintstone.

Well, have we decided? I'm pretty sure I know what I want.

I'm afraid I'm gonna need a lot more time.

Virtually no nutritional value.

Harry, do you think I'm attractive? - Of course I think you're attractive.

- I think you're attractive.

You're warm, and you're sexy.

Sara, I can't do this.

I'm sorry, I can't do it.

It's because I was a nun once, isn't it? Sara, you were a nun yesterday.

Come on, you gotta see you're rushing into this thing.

I don't want you to be hurt.

- I feel so confused.

- That is perfectly understandable.

- No, I feel so foolish.

- That's all right, really.

I feel A song coming on.

That could get ugly.

- Sara - Goodbye, Harry.

She didn't like my new line of tongue depressors.

Would you believe I was a nun for six years? I was a congressman for five.

- Would you excuse me? - Sara.

Would you believe I was? Never mind.

Sara, come on, now.

You gotta stop it.

Sara, you gotta put a You gotta stop all this climbing.

- No climbing.

- You think I'm ugly.

Can I get anybody anything while I'm up? Well, I think I'm woman enough for any man.

Thank you, thank you.

- Sara.

Oh, Harry.

Oh, come on, don't cry.

Come on, Sara, don't lean over.

Don't do that.

Come on, Sara.

No, no, no, don't close your eyes.

Don't go limp, Sara.

Don't do that.

Check, please.

Got a match? Thanks.

Now, this is where the judge weighs the plaintiffs.

Mother Frances, Sister Sara's superior.

- I'm Judge Stone.

Hi.

- Hi.

Are you going to put her down? Right.

Today? Oh, yeah.

- Listen, I can explain.

- The prosecuting attorney already did.

- Oh? - Apparently, a naive and trusting girl showed up here announcing that after six years of voluntary seclusion she was leaving the convent.

That's right.

So you took her out for drinks.

Thank you, Mr.

Prosecutor.

- That really doesn't surprise me.

- It doesn't? She couldn't cut it.

- Not everyone makes the majors, you know.

- I beg your pardon? Some of our novices have the drive, the passion the commitment.

Lou Piniella had that.

What makes you think she didn't? Oh, it was reflected in the way she worked, the way she prayed.

The way she spiked the volleyball into Sister Regina's face.

- Why do I feel so guilty? - Don't whip yourself, my son.

Leave it to the professionals.

What's gonna happen to her? She'll get the counseling she needs to make a more gradual transition to the secular life.

- Don't worry, she'll be fine.

- I'm glad to hear that.

God has chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise.

God has chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty.

A wild guess.

Harvey Wallbanger? - Right.

- Well, I guess I'll go call us a cab.

- Mac, would you help her? - This way, Mother Frances.

Say, you think the Yankees have a chance this season? Not a prayer.

At least, not mine.

Can I get you anything? - Where am I? - My office.

How was I? - I beg your pardon? - I made a fool out of myself, didn't I? Well, the alcohol helped considerably.

I wanna thank you for not taking advantage of the situation.

Believe me, there are plenty of guys out there who would have.

You're gonna find that out if you don't slow down.

I know.

I've been going pretty fast.

It's just that I wanna make up for all that lost time.

You can't.

It's gone.

You can live with that, can't you? You've got a good soul, Harry Stone.

Coming from a pro, that means a lot.

Mother Frances is outside.

She said you were gonna get a lot of help to make a smoother transition into the outside world.

And then when you're settled down who knows? Maybe we could - Who knows? - Who knows? Should I have closed my eyes? You did just fine.

Take care of yourself, Harry.

You too, Sara.

Maybe.

Who knows? I said maybe.

Last call.

You are the most despicable form of life I've ever met.

You personify everything violent, ugly about men.

I understand.

You need a little more time.

Aren't you ashamed of yourself? Do you have any idea what the act of love is all about? You've reduced it to its primitive form, some animalistic ritual totally devoid of any respect, humanity or commitment.

So, what do you say? Okay.

Just kidding.

Just kidding.