02x04 - Pick a Number

[bunniefuu]

Somewhere, a small country is going hungry.

- Bull, you look depressed.

- I am.

My word of the month is so obscure I can't find opportunity to use it in conversation.

- What word is that? - "Pentimento.

" So how about that, Jets came last week, huh? Bull, what exactly does "pentimento" mean? It's an artistic term referring to the reappearance of original elements that had been obliterated by a new outer appearance.

Like that little brown shadow on your head you affectionately refer to as hair? Good example.

Hey, did you see this? I remember last month, there was a winning lottery ticket for $3 million.

Whoever has the ticket hasn't come forward to claim the money.

Three million.

I wonder what I'd get with that much money? A between-meal snack? I wonder why the person hasn't claimed it.

Talking about the unclaimed lottery ticket? Yeah, we were wondering what could keep someone from claiming $3 million that is sitting there for the taking.

- m*rder.

- Huh? Now, we talking $3 million.

A lot of people will stick a hatpin in your ear for a whole lot less.

Hi, everybody.

- Hi, Selma.

- Hey, Selma.

I want you to meet Mary Jo Martin.

- Hi.

Hi, Mary Jo.

They're here.

She's from the DA's office, just started, so they sent her down to observe.

- Who? - You.

Come on, Mary Jo, I'll show you where you can freshen up.

- Wait, I know where that is.

I'll show her.

- Don't beg.

Sit.

Good boy.

How about you come up to my place and we can browse through my Ansel Adams prints? Do you like Ansel Adams? Second president of the United States, right? Yeah.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

You know, a lot of people get those two mixed up.

Ah.

Next case, Your Honor, People v.

Otis Weaver.

Aggravated as*ault.

- How does the defense plead? - Not guilty, Your Honor.

Prosecutor? Slippery Rock, '70, but I figured after college what the hey, I'm gonna do a little traveling before I go into law school.

I was in this little Swiss village, and it was a farm house, and we had this The next case is ready, the judge is calling.

And everybody in the courtroom is watching you.

And that's why the Bill of Rights is sacred to me.

Sorry, I was talking about the Constitution.

I get emotional - Can it, Dan.

- Canning it, sir.

All right, the defense has entered a plea of not guilty.

Hi.

Hello.

You are? Oh.

My name is Leo Baldassare.

Oh, but you can call me Leo.

Yeah, I'd like that, Leo.

But you see, court is in session, so if you'd excuse us.

Oh, I don't wanna bother anyone.

It's just that I've been here all week watching you.

We're armed, Leo.

- Dan.

- Please, sir.

It's very urgent that I talk to you.

Alone.

Mr.

Prosecutor, Miss Young, if you'd excuse us.

- Perhaps we better stay with you.

- Come here.

Let me explain the term "line of fire" to you.

What is it, Leo? Well, you see, I'm the person with the $3-million lottery ticket.

Of course you are.

This is not really the time I have it right here with me, with the newspaper clipping.

Are you on the level? Is that the ticket? In a word, yes.

- In two words, holy - Leo.

What's going on? Well, you see, I've made a decision concerning the ticket and it includes you.

Please? We'll take a 10-minute recess.

Mac, for now, not a word of this to anyone.

- Right.

- This way, Leo.

What was that about? Well, if you guys are gonna badger me Leo, assuming that is real, why are you coming to me? I don't want it.

Money makes people unhappy.

I'm happy with what I have.

Am I on TV, Leo? I'm serious, sir.

Please, I want you to take it.

Well, that's very flattering, Leo.

But, hey, I can't take your money.

Oh, I didn't mean for you to keep it.

- Oh.

- Uh I want you to give it away.

- Give it away? - Yes.

To one of those people that come up before you.

I've been here all week watching and I've decided that you're just about the wisest man I've ever seen.

Well, thank you, Leo.

Of course, I don't get out very much, but Okay, Leo, I'll think about it.

But for the time being, don't tell anyone you've got this much money to give away.

There are some unscrupulous types out there that might come looking for it.

Okay, where's the geek with the 3 mil? Mac, didn't I ask you not to tell anyone about this? Yeah.

Just checking.

Do you really have the winning ticket? Mm-hm.

But not for long.

I came down here looking for someone who still cares about human decency.

He quit.

Actually, Leo asked me to give this away for him.

Give? May I? There have been counterfeit tickets going around.

Let's check it with these.

Looks real to me.

To the untrained eye.

Hmm.

Dan.

Oops.

Heh.

Where is my head? Leo, why are you doing this? Because I'm already happy.

Don't give us that.

Apparently, it's true.

He just wants to give the money to someone who needs it more.

What the hell is this world coming to? We're all set, Your Honor.

Let's get back to work, everybody.

- Hi.

- Hi.

He just gave the judge $3 million to give away.

What a shame.

With that kind of money, he could've had himself fixed.

Give it to me, Harry.

Dan, I think Leo is looking for someone a little more needy than you.

Yeah, yeah, what are they gonna use it for, food? Everybody wants it.

- I am honest enough to admit it.

- I don't want it.

- The old reverse psychology ploy, huh, Mac? - I don't want it.

- You're serious, aren't you? - Yes, sir.

See, my needs aren't that great, and the combination of my income here and my Army pension lets me maintain a comfortable and rewarding lifestyle.

- That's sweet, Mac.

- Uh-huh.

Plus my grandfather owns the largest import business on the East Coast and I am his sole heir.

Someday, I'm gonna be swimming in it.

Perhaps you can get out of the pool long enough to do me a favor, Mac.

Call the lottery commission, have them send somebody down.

Got it.

- Uh, Mac.

- Yeah? - I've got this extra kidney.

- Oh.

If you should ever need just a little What's going on? Well, Harry is looking for an honest man, like Diogenes.

Played for the Yankees, was married to Marilyn Monroe, right? You know, we almost conversed that time, didn't we? Listen, Harry, just a word of advice.

Don't take on the responsibility of that ticket.

- I didn't say for sure I would.

- I know you.

Some poor schlep asked a favor and you can't resist.

He did seem bewildered by the whole thing.

- You're gonna do it.

- I didn't say that.

- Your mind's made up, it's over.

- Billie.

Just remember, Harry, nice guys finish last.

Knock, knock.

Well, Judge Stone.

What a surprise.

You caught me at a bad time, Craven.

I'm here.

That's funny.

Very good.

Surprised that scandal sheet you write for is still in business.

Are you kidding? Misery is a moneymaker.

Did you read my story last week? Family in Hackensack barbecues brother.

Ha-ha-ha.

I don't read the food section.

Come on, Your Honor, I need a story.

Little sex, v*olence, that's all I'm looking for.

Bad timing, Craven, nothing bloodcurdling on the docket tonight.

Oh, what a world.

I mean, people have knives, why don't they use them? All rise.

Whoops.

I think this is for you.

- That'd be my guess.

- Yeah.

You may be seated.

Are you okay, sir? I'm nervous about this lottery ticket.

What if this thing is real? Am I qualified to choose who should get the money? And more importantly, do I have that right to decide? No.

Take some time, think it over.

Okay, Your Honor, first up, Runyon v.

Miller.

Tragic stuff.

We may have a winner.

What we have is a simple as*ault.

Mr.

Miller was walking down the street, he saw a $5 bill on the sidewalk.

He bent over to pick it up.

Mr.

Runyon ran up and kicked him in the stomach.

- Mr.

Runyon? - Your Honor I was just fired from my job of 20 years.

When they repossessed my car, I borrowed my son's bike to ride to the bank to withdraw my entire lifesavings which I needed to pay the rent.

But on the way back, a car hit me, sending my money flying all over the street where passer-by started scooping it up for themselves.

Quite a story, huh? I laughed, I cried, it became a part of me.

Your Honor, what we're dealing with is an as*ault charge not an alleged hit-and-run.

I have a pin in my hip too.

Oh, stop whining.

Mr.

Runyon, you say you don't have a penny to your name? Nope.

And I won't till the insurance company sends me the half million.

The prosecution rests.

Comfortably, Your Honor.

Thank you, Mr.

Runyon.

Two days suspended.

Oh, excuse me.

I'm looking for Judge Stone.

I'm from the lottery, I'm here to verify the ticket.

- The ticket? You mean - The lottery ticket.

Lottery ticket.

Judge Stone was talking about that.

The one that he The one he's supposed to give away.

It's unclaimed, worth $3 million.

Three million dollars? Yeah, that's the one.

Next case, Your Honor, lvan Brewster.

Now, he's accused of Now get this.

- b*ating up a mime and stealing his hat full of change.

Why did you do that? Kicks.

I wish they were all like you.

Excuse me, Your Honor, I think you might wanna take a recess.

Sit down before I find you in contempt.

This man is here from the lottery commission.

Wants to verify the $3-million ticket you were asked to give away.

Recess.

Your Honor, may I see the ticket, please? Ooh.

Come on, Harry.

Dan, be patient.

This could take a long time.

This man has to examine the ticket, compare to a master, maybe have it tested.

This baby's good.

And I considered hanging out at the morgue today.

- Craven.

- What? For once, can't you do the decent thing? Be a human being? Keep this under your hat and stop my court from becoming a circus? Naaah.

Hi, Dan.

I just wanted to tell you I had fun last night.

- Great.

- Oh, and you have great taste in music.

I just loved listening to that Willie Nelson overture.

No, Mary Jo, that was the "Willie Tell Overture.

" I'm sorry.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to the party tonight and meeting all your friends.

Bye.

She makes Squiggy look like Buckminster Fuller.

I had a husband that dumb too.

They fool you by walking upright, don't they? How many are in there? Remember Woodstock? Courtesy of our favorite yellow journalist.

"Man chucks bucks, judge gets stuck.

" Kind of catchy.

Whew.

Lot of crazies out there.

I better get that docket before one of them eats it.

Hi, judge.

It's quite a turnout, isn't it? The power of the press.

Kind of gives me goose bumps.

Bull, explain to this man the penalty for harassing a judge.

Section 4C of the penal code, wherein the bailiff is encouraged to pull the assailant's ears behind his head and tie them in a knot.

That's not really a law, is it? Gotcha.

It's probably a regional thing that I, you know Yeah? Have you seen that courtroom? We are talking Bronx Zoo out there.

- Go ahead and say it.

- A fool and his money are soon parted.

- "I told you so" would have sufficed.

- Oh, Harry.

There are over 3000 telegrams downstairs from people asking me for money.

- I told you so.

Judge's chambers.

Oh, yes, sure.

Hold on just a moment.

It's your father.

Hello? Dad, yeah.

How you doing? Oh, you sound great, yeah.

Twenty-two years of death hasn't changed your voice a bit.

- Have you seen that courtroom out there? - Yeah, I've heard, thank you.

Listen, Harry, in spite of what I've said, if a decision has to be made on this ticket couldn't be in more capable hands.

Thank you, Billie.

First time you suck up is always the hardest.

All rise.

You may be seated or fall, whatever's easier.

First case, Your Honor, Gertrude Stuckey.

Attempted burglary.

She took a case of cat food.

- I don't have a cat.

- Oh? It was for me and my husband, Dexter, to eat.

We're very poor.

Well, why didn't you just steal regular food? Because cat food is more - Pathetic? - Right.

Wrong.

Fifty-dollar fine.

Yeah? See if you clowns can do any better.

Ha! Next case, Your Honor, Jerome Chappel.

Seems he smashed up a hospital cafeteria last night.

Your Honor, due to the unusual nature of the case my client pleads guilty, but requests a suspended sentence.

I see.

How are you, Mr.

Chappel? I have six months to live.

How are you? Can't complain.

Your Honor, the hospital has no record of this man even being a patient.

That's a big place.

They can't keep track of everything.

Mr.

Chappel Look, Your Honor, l Your honor, I've always had problems.

When I was growing up, I had a mother who bought me rabid dogs for pets.

At least you had real pets.

My father gave me rocks and told me to name them.

Yeah? Well, at least you had a father.

My father left me naked on a doorstep.

At least you had a doorstep.

After my house b*rned down, there was nobody.

Oh, people.

People! In my short time as a judge, I've seen some pretty amazing things.

But this, I think, tops them all.

Last night, I witnessed the most considerate selfless, kind act I think that I have ever seen.

Thank you, Your Honor.

And here before me sits the result of that kindness.

The most selfish, indulgent transparent display I have ever witnessed.

Leo.

Come take your $3 million back and spend it with a clear conscience knowing that you are the most deserving person here.

Your Honor are you sure this is the right thing? It's the only thing, Leo.

Believe me.

A person with your capacity for giving is very special.

Perhaps it's time you started giving to yourself.

Besides, you charged me with the responsibility of finding the most worthy person.

Well, I did.

The money's gone.

Well, I just loved your friend, Richard, the urologist.

Oh, it must be exciting work.

Going out on those expeditions, digging around for fossils.

Listen, Mary Jo, you're a very Whew.

- Healthy girl and all, but I'm afraid even I need more than that.

Like what? Language.

Look, you're here to observe and that's fine but I'm afraid I can't see you socially anymore.

Well, if that's the way you feel.

It is.

Well, I've got some work to do.

Bye.

Goodbye.

Well? Worked like a charm, Selma.

I don't think that slug will be bothering me again the rest of the time I'm here.

Thanks for tipping me off.

Hey, us foxes have gotta stick together, don't we? Pentimento.

I love that word.

You reminded me of it when your surface rubbed off.

The most numerous examples of pentimento are found among the Dutch works of the early 17th century.

I know.

Shall we discuss it over some cognac? Say, at my place after work? Good God, yes.

Heh-heh.

Those two lunkheads deserve each other.

Yeah.

You know, I still can't believe that I held $3 million in my hand.

And gave it away.

Yeah, I'm gonna see a doctor about that.

Come on, we're happy the way we are.

- Aren't we? - Sure.

I make it big, I spend it big.

I'm in for 2 cents.

And I'll see it.

And raise you $5000.

Grandpa will cover it.

- Yeah? - Hi, everyone.

- Oh, Leo.

- Leo.

- How you doing? - I want you to meet Arnie Prince.

He's got a way to help me spend my money.

- Oh.

I don't wanna hear this.

- Sure you do.

It's a can't-miss proposition.

We're talking show business.

Leo's putting all his money into my Broadway musical.

It's what I've always wanted to do, bring lots of smiles to lots of people.

- Well, that's terrific, Leo.

- What's the play called? Mussolini: The Man and His Music.

Well, Leo, we wish you all the success in the world.

Thanks.

It's money in the bank.

The only problem I foresee is finding the right guy for the lead role.

Hello.

Tell me you can sing.