02x07 - Harry on Trial

[bunniefuu]

Anyway, Mr.

Fielding, I'm sure you can appreciate the sensitive nature of this investigation.

As far as I'm concerned, this conversation never happened.

Loose lips sink ships.

- Guess who the geek in the cheap hat is.

- We know, Dan.

He's with the judiciary review board.

They're investigating Harry.

- He's talked to all of us, Dan.

- He Do you mean I am the last one to know? Then I'm not gonna tell you about it.

Well, you're not supposed to.

He said the investigations were confidential.

Any discussion of them is a flagrant violation of the law.

Oh, come on, what's a little malicious gossip among friends? He's right.

Hey, guys.

Hi, Harry.

- Hi.

Hi, Harry.

How are you? What's shaking? Oh, I get it.

We're playing Monastery, huh? Save me a seat.

What do we do with Harry if he asks us? Hi, guys.

Everyone's playing, huh? Hey, neat duds, fella.

Look at that, Willard.

The Eliot Ness look is back.

I couldn't be happier, Stone.

Watch this.

Didn't your mother ever tell you not to play with your food? I bruised my banana.

I'll send you a get-well card.

- How much? - $ 1.

25.

Oops.

I forgot my money.

Pay you back on Friday.

- Docket changes.

- Oh, thanks.

- Thank you.

- Uh-oh.

Weasel alert.

Just smile and look innocent.

Oh, Mousketeers.

Club's still in session.

Chickens smile like that just before you lop off their heads.

- He's gotta be warned.

- No, the guy could prosecute us.

Just smile.

- We gotta tell him, Dan.

- No.

- Let's tell him.

- Tell me what? - Harry - Your Honor, we would just like to say that the sober and businesslike manner in which you've run this court has meant a lot to us these last few months.

- You make it sound like I'm dead.

- Yeah Moving right along.

Next case, Your Honor.

Carla Bouvier.

Solicitation for prostitution.

Making a return engagement, Miss Congeniality.

Well, if it isn't my favorite celibate.

I will have you know that just last month l The court would like to congratulate you, Mr.

Fielding.

- Hi, judge.

- Hi, Carla B.

You back so soon? I guess I'm a workaholic.

Ms.

Bouvier was arrested on Wall Street in front of the stock exchange.

Yes, sir, where she was putting her commodities up for bid.

- Prosecution? - The usual.

- Defense? - The usual.

Then it's the usual, $50 fine and time served.

That's why I love this job.

Each case is a drama unto itself.

Don't take any wooden Shriners.

Virgin wool? Hey, you wanna see what I got in a rummage sale this weekend? No, Harry.

Please don't.

- Darn.

- Mac? - Put your toys away.

- Just one more time.

That'll be it.

- Your Honor - He takes the feed from Kareem.

He sets.

He sh**t.

You fouled me, Miss Young.

Your Honor I demand a recess.

Uh-uh.

It's my court.

We take recesses when I want to.

Right, Mac? Mac? Recess.

I was just toying with them.

May I come in? It's a surprise party, isn't it? I wish it were.

What is going on around here? Why do I suddenly feel like Captain Bligh? Harry, you're in trouble.

It's true, isn't it? You're taking over.

It's no joking matter, Harry.

You're in big trouble.

Someone is gonna tell me what's going on around here.

Harry, there is a cancer on the judiciary.

Yeah.

- Judge Stone? - Uh-huh.

Peter DeMarco, investigator with the judicial review board.

I assume this is the growth you were talking about? Beg pardon, sir? - What can I do for you, Mr.

DeMarco? - Actually, nothing, judge.

- My work here is done.

- I don't understand.

Well, don't take this personally, but for the past couple of weeks l've been conducting an investigation of you.

Why would anyone take that personally? Believe me, it's just routine.

I do them all the time.

You see, routine.

Probably 1000-to-1 he finds anything.

Of course, long sh*ts do come through.

"Judge Harold T.

Stone you are hereby ordered to appear before the board of judicial review one week from today at 11 a.

m.

You are charged with impropriety and conduct unbecoming a judge.

" Anybody up for lunch? Wow, check out the charges they got against Harry.

"Lmproper attire, irreverent attitude, disrespect to fellow judges.

Habitual use of a hand-held electrical stimulant"? A Joy Buzzer rap.

My God.

Here comes Willard, the guy that brought up the charges.

Go ahead.

Make my day.

Under the circumstances, Miss Hacker, I'll ignore that.

That guy really turns my stomach.

Putting Harry through hell just to satisfy his own selfish ambitions.

By the way, I'll be having a victory party in my chambers afterward.

Looking forward to getting better acquainted, sir.

He bought it.

- Hi, guys.

- Hello, Your Honor.

Don't worry, Harry, I've been working on your case all weekend.

- Harold T.

Stone? - That's me.

- They're ready for you, sir.

- Good luck.

- Go get them, Your Honor.

- Break a leg.

Waste them.

Know in your heart that we're absolutely sure everything will be fine.

But if it isn't remember you're young, you've still got your health and the humiliation won't last forever.

Thanks, Dan.

Remember what I once told you about rocking our boat, Stone? Remind me after the session.

I thought of a perfect place for you to store that boat.

The Board of Judicial Review of the State of New York is now in session.

Martin A.

Landis, presiding officer.

Excuse me.

Judge Landis.

We're ready to begin.

Uh, one moment.

Can you find the hippo in this picture? Perhaps we could go over it together after the case.

Oh, splendid.

Uh Which case is this? Oh, yes.

Harold T.

Stone, arraignment-court judge.

It is this tribunal's duty to determine his fitness.

Judge Stone, will you be represented by counsel? I will be defending myself.

"He who represents himself has a fool for a client.

" - Who said that? - Oliver Wendell Holmes.

Who cares? Do you understand the charges brought against you and the jeopardy involved? - Yes, sir, I do.

- Well, you're one up on me.

Ha-ha.

Uh Just kidding, son.

A little levity never hurts.

That's what I used to think.

Prosecution, call your first witness.

Call Daniel K.

Fielding.

- Oh, let me just get my - Daniel K.

Fielding? Save your breath, kid.

They're calling in the, uh, heavy a*tillery.

It's in the old bag, sir.

Hey.

How you doing? Good afternoon.

Good to see you.

You need a pillow or anything? Mr.

Fielding.

Tell us exactly what it is you do.

What for? I'm not on trial here.

Let the record show that Mr.

Fielding is an assistant district attorney.

Mr.

Fielding, you work with Judge Stone.

Would you consider his courtroom behavior eccentric? An example.

On July 12th of this year, didn't the defendant, claiming, quote: "This courtroom ain't big enough for the two of us," unquote squirt you in the face with a water p*stol in open court? That date again? Just answer the question.

Well, yes, he did, but it was an accident.

He was aiming for my briefcase.

- Shut up.

- Right.

Your Honor, to expedite matters, the incident did take place but it was between sessions.

It was a rough night.

I was just trying to lighten up the mood in the courtroom a little bit.

- "A little levity never hurts.

" - Good point.

It was mine, wasn't it? Mr.

Fielding, do you or do you not consider a judge who wears Bermuda shorts under his robes and thumb-wrestles with a bailiff an eccentric? Well, perhaps, perhaps, but eccentric has many different meanings from the mildly unconventional to, uh, the downright insane.

Ah! You said "insane.

" I probably shouldn't have, though, should I? - Thank you.

That'll be all.

- I did not mean I said, that will be all.

Does the defense have any questions? Not if I wanna retain my citizenship.

So anyway this guy, looks like Leon DeMarcus, took me to my senior prom.

I woke up in a rowboat in Sheepshead Bay with a bottle of cheap wine and a song in my heart.

What was the question? - Okay, here comes the coup de grâce.

- Bull Shannon, please.

Oh.

Sorry.

- It's okay, Bull.

- Yeah.

Tough.

It's nicely typed.

Piece of cake.

Maybe later.

You may be seated.

I am seated.

Oh, yes, so you are.

Hey, what's with the hair? It's gone.

Any further questions, Judge Willard? Yes, Your Honor, if you don't mind.

Mr.

Shannon for two years, you've served in Judge Stone's court witnessing his obvious lack of respect for things traditional.

You must have formulated some opinion of him, hmm? I'd take a b*llet between the eyes for that man.

I'd jump on a live grenade to save his life.

I'd hammer a nail through my skull if he asked me to.

The witness is dismissed.

I tried to look mean.

A little more work, you'll have it.

You seem to have some loyal people working with you, Judge Stone.

I would like to think that I earned their respect, Your Honor.

Well, it appears that you have, Judge Stone.

You've done a real crummy job here, Willard.

Thank you, sir.

In my opinion, Harold T.

Stone is more than qualified to carry on Your Honor.

The prosecution has one more witness to introduce.

Knowing full well that he would be appearing before this review board today Harold Stone flagrantly disregarded his position as a judge when two days ago, he openly consorted with a prost*tute.

Now we're cooking.

Call Carla Bouvier.

Carla.

What's going on here? To put it simply, Saturday night, you and this woman, a hooker spent the night in your apartment.

Do you deny it? You must have followed me.

You sat outside my apartment all night in the rain to dig up a little piece of dirt on me? I got time and a half.

You don't have to tell them anything.

Oh, yes, you do, Miss Bouvier.

You're under subpoena.

- Miss Bouvier, please take a seat.

- No.

Did he say no? You have no right to pry into my personal life or hers.

None of this has to do with my competency at the bench.

I think we should let a court decide that.

Uh, you are the court, sir.

Say, that's convenient, isn't it? If this is gonna have bearing on the outcome of this hearing l'll save you all the trouble.

I quit.

Put on a little weight, haven't you? Yeah? - Your Honor.

- Hey, Mac.

I, uh I found your dribble glass.

It was in the, uh, guards' lounge.

You keep it.

Well, thanks, Your Honor.

Every time Bull drools, I'll think of you.

You know, you can cut the "Your Honor," I'm just Harry now.

Well, I prefer "Your Honor.

" Thanks, Mac.

- Listen, I'd rather be alone now, huh? - No problem.

I'm afraid the judge can't take visitors now, sir.

Let me be the judge of that.

Let me be the Tough room.

You a Shriner, Stone? No, I picked that up at the Goodwill in the Village.

That's where I got my Captain Video helmet.

- You've got a Captain Video helmet? - You didn't invent whimsy, you know.

I'm not senile, Stone.

I've been like this for 50 years.

So even if I do become senile, people will never know.

Come to think of it, I won't know either, will I? - Listen, judge - Shut up.

I'm old.

I can talk as long as I want.

Stone when I saw you, I saw me 30 years ago.

You were a breath of fresh air but you disappointed me.

You had potential, but you screwed up.

I quit.

That, in my book, is screwing up.

What are you, nuts? Are you seeing anybody else, sir? - You can't quit your job.

- I just told him.

This is my fault.

I wanna straighten it out.

I already told you, that is out of the question.

You can't tell me what to do anymore.

You're not a judge, remember? She's got you by the statutes there, Stone.

Uh, young lady, mmm, why don't you tell me the story? Well, perhaps I'd better be going.

Harry Stone is the sexiest man I know.

The truth is I would love to sleep with him.

I guess I have a minute.

The point is I didn't, and I won't.

I don't wanna lose what we have.

See, sometimes I work this corner uptown.

It's not the greatest neighborhood, but it's okay.

- Carla, you really don't have to.

- Ignore him.

Continue.

Anyway, a couple of nights ago, these cops picked me up and I figured, well, I'm on the way back to see Judge Stone again but they said they weren't there to bust me.

They needed me to identify a body so they drove me to the morgue.

Someone you knew? Marie.

Uh We worked the same corner sometimes.

All those times I'd seen her around, I never knew her last name.

But when I looked down at the body all I could see was myself.

I'd never felt so alone or so scared in my life.

So you went to see Judge Stone.

He's a friend.

He didn't preach.

He didn't talk down to me.

He just listened.

And then he held me and he just let me cry all night.

He's the only person I know who ever made me feel like I was worth anything.

See? It was easy.

Of course it was.

I don't think it's fair that I didn't get to present these facts at the hearing.

I have done research and found precedent after precedent in support of Judge Stone's case.

These accusations of impropriety are totally unfounded and I demand that the charges be dropped immediately.

Agreed.

Well, good.

Was it the evidence or the way I presented it? Come on.

I'll explain it over a couple of piña coladas.

Oh, don't worry.

I'm a judge, not a dirty old man.

I lied.

I'm both.

Surprise! - Oh, welcome back, sir.

- Thanks, guys.

- Open it, Harry.

- We all chipped in.

It didn't come up even, but I made up the overage.

Thanks, Dan.

A Mel Tormé lunchbox.

I just pasted his face over Barney Rubble's.

- Thanks, guys.

- There's something else in there.

Real nice.

Sir? It's Judge Willard's.

No.

- You mean you guys? - Desecrated his dickey.

You betcha.