03x03 - Wilbur and Ed in Show Biz

[bunniefuu]

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

Good morning, Ed.

Good morning, Wilbur.

Up pretty early, aren't you?

Well, I've got a new
client coming in to see me.

A Mr. Hodges wants
to discuss some plans.

Good.

The more you
work, the more I eat.

Yeah. Ah, where'd
you get the apples?

Uh... I've got a friend.

Well, I didn't give them to you.

It must have been Carol, huh?

Uh...

I'm glad you two are
getting along better.

Well, we're both
blondes, you know.

Have an apple, buddy boy.

Well, thanks, Ed.

That's, that's very
generous of you.

Easy come, easy go.

Yeah, that's true.
Ooh, very refreshing.

If you want an apple,
we've got a whole basketful.

That was a whole tree full.

These apples came from my tree.

Roger Addison, are
you accusing my wife

of stealing your apples?

Not your wife, Wilbur
Post, but I'll give you a hint.

If the thief doesn't stop,

I'm going to break all
the pencils on his desk.

Now, why would I
take your apples?

To feed that
four-footed glutton.

Look! He's eating one now!

Oh!

Now look, Roger...

So, uh, Carol gave
you the apples, huh?

Now, you said that, not me.

Roger thinks I took the apples,

and you know you did.

I wouldn't blame you

if you never spoke
to that man again.

All right, Ed, let's
have the truth.

Well, uh, uh, eh... Well?

Don't rush me.

It isn't easy to
make up the truth.

[Carol] Wilbur!

Uh-oh. Roger must have told her.

Now, I'm going to get chewed out

for something you chewed up.

Well, crime doesn't pay,
but it sure is delicious.

I'm Bill Hodges.

Oh, hello, Mr. Hodges.
I've been expecting you.

Won't you come into my office?

Oh, thank you.

Mr. Post, I heard
about your setup here

with your office and
a stall for the horse.

I'd, uh, I'd like you to design
something similar for me.

Oh, do you own a horse?

No, no, an elephant.

Elephant? [laughing]

That's quite an unusual pet.

Oh, Margie isn't a
pet. She's my partner.

We're in show business,
and I want to build her

the most beautiful
barn in the world.

Well, you must
be very fond of her.

Well, you own a horse, Mr. Post.

You must know
the feeling you have

when an animal is faithful,
dependable, and trustworthy.

Some animals are like that, yes.

Well, Margie deserves the best.

She's the whole act.

I wouldn't have gotten
anywhere without her

in show business.

I can actually
say it's her money.

[laughing]

Well, must be wonderful
to have an animal

that does something besides eat.

I wonder if you could
draw me up a few sketches.

Yes, I'll make some notes here.

Now, I have a few
ideas of my own.

For instance, elephant...
Well, let me show you.

Now, elephants like
to hose themselves,

and I think she should
have a little wading pool.

Wading pool.

And then, on one wall,
over here, a large mirror,

so she can watch herself
when she rehearses her dance.

[Wilbur] Dance?

Yes, Margie does
the twist in her act.

If you'd like to see us,

we're going to be
on television tonight.

Oh, we'll be sure to watch.

And, look, I'll have
the first sketches

for you to look at
in a couple of days.

Well, thank you, Mr. Post.

Oh, uh, we travel a great deal.

In case you have
trouble finding me,

you can always get in touch
with me through my agent.

Here, Sam Barker.

Now, please, don't try to
cut corners on expenses.

Margie can afford it.

All right, Mr. Hodges,
thank you.

Thank you and goodbye, Mr. Post.

Goodbye.

Boy, wading pool, mirror.

Me? Nothing.

Nothing but the
same old GI stall.

Ed, if you want
any changes made,

you'll have to
make them yourself.

I'm tired of waiting
on you, hand and hoof.

Uh, I'll bet Mr. Hodges

doesn't talk to his
Margie that way.

She makes a living for him.

May I ask what do you do for me?

You may.

All right. What
do you do for me?

I talk to you. Let
Margie top that.

I raised that apple
tree from a pup.

Oh, Addison, Wilbur
wouldn't steal our apples.

It must be the horse.

The horse picked
the apples off the tree,

put them in a wicker basket,
and carried them into the barn?

Like I said, Wilbur
Post is a cotton-picking,

apple-stealing architect.

[knock on door]

May I come in?

Hello, Carol. Please come in.

We were just talking about
your charming husband,

what a nice fellow he is.

And what a pleasant neighbor.

And he steals apples.

I'm with her.

Oh, Roger, I can't tell
you how embarrassed I am.

For once, I'm going to be firm.

I am not going to forgive
Wilbur so easily this time.

[knock on door]

Hello, friends,
neighbors, and wife.

How about coming to my place

and watching a
little television?

Kay.

There's a great
show on tonight...

Margie the elephant.
I'm, uh, I'm going to...

Do you plan on doing
anything tonight?

Not particularly.

And stall for her trainer.

- What did you have in mind?
- How about a movie?

- I'm not in the mood.
- Would look in...

Oh, I'd rather stay home.
I had a very upsetting day.

And, Carol, you're my wife.

Well, I'm gonna watch
an elephant on TV.

By myself.

Well, I think I'll go
watch it with him.

Carol!

I'll watch it with you.

Buddy-boy, you
may lose your wife,

but you've always got me.

That's what I'm afraid of.

All right, now, Ed,
please be quiet, huh?

- Ladies and
gentlemen, - All right.

You will now see
with your own eyes

why Margie is known as the
world's most intelligent animal.

He should live so long.

Now, Margie, tell the
ladies and gentlemen

how old you are.

1... 2...
- 3... 4.
- [applause]

Why, she's 60 if she's a day.

Yeah, well, you make as
much money as she does,

- then you can talk.
- Now, ladies and gentlemen,

Margie would like to show
you that she's a real swinger.

Maestro, some twist
music, if you please.

♪♪ [rock 'n' roll]

Come, girl. That's a girl!

No wonder she can
afford her own wading pool.

If I couldn't do a
better act than that,

I'd turn in my tail.

Ed, would you?

Would I what?

Go into show business.
You could make a fortune.

Imagine, a talking horse.

Now, you know I wouldn't
talk in front of anyone but you.

Well, then, you wouldn't
even have to talk.

Just obey commands.

Oh.

I'm going to call
Mr. Hodges' agent.

With the money you make,

you'll have all the
apples you want.

Yeah?

Yeah, a bigger
barn than Margie's.

Oh, yeah?

Your own wading pool.

Ho ho ho, dial faster, Wilbur.

Dial faster.

I've finished dialing. Shh.

Shh, shh, shh.

Uh, hello. Is this Mr. Barker,
the theatrical agent?

Oh, well, could you tell me

where he'll be tomorrow morning?

Thank you very much.

Ha ha!

Ed, you are going to be rich.

Oh, boy, big round
apples, little fillies,

or, uh, am I better off
the other way around?

Sam!

Well, well, well.

Say, Marge sure looks
great. Keep her that way.

I've got a lot of
engagements lined up for her.

Sam, will you stop
talking like an agent?

Even your ten percent
is in good condition.

Hello, Mr. Hodges.

Mr. Post.

Now, don't tell me you've
finished those sketches already.

No, I came to see
your agent, Mr. Barker.

His office told me he'd be here.

Oh, Sam, this is Mr. Post,
the architect I told you about.

Hi.

Hello, Mr. Barker.

Mr. Barker, I... I have
a wonderful horse.

Mr. Post, I have all the
animals I can handle.

Well, he isn't just an animal.

He's something special.
He has a very high IQ.

Sam, he's a nice man.
Now, give him a break.

All right.

Just what does this animal
do, something special?

Well, he can obey any
command you give him.

Tell him to do something.

Anything?

Anything.

Go over and bring back
that bucket of water.

There was no water in the pail.

Thanks, Mister Ed.

A remarkable horse!

Isn't he?

Don't tell me he's
got a driver's license.

You left your motor on.

Mr. Post, I've got
to handle this horse.

He's worth a fortune.

Here, you little
old gold mine, you.

[Wilbur] Once Ed
gets on television,

he'll be the greatest
animal act in the world.

Ah, now, don't tell me
you're jealous of that horse.

Now, Marge, listen.

Come on, baby. Now,
don't be temperamental.

I mean it, don't
be temperamental.

No, never mind that.

Now, Marge, I'll give you
some nice peanuts, huh?

Mr. Post, we're going
to make a million dollars.

I'll draw up a
contract right away.

You know, this horse
does everything but talk.

Carol, we just won't feel
right taking your apples.

Oh, please take them, Kay.

It's the only way I can
clear my conscience.

Well, in that case, uh,

I hate to see a woman
with a cluttered conscience.

Wait 'til you hear the news.

Come on, Rog. How long
can you hold a grudge?

All right, if you don't want
to talk to a millionaire...

Millionaire?

Millionaire?

Honey, I've got it right here

in black and white...

The passport to
wealth and fame...

A contract bound to
bring in a million dollars

inside of five years,
maybe even less.

Well, how are you going
to make all that money?

I am going into a new business.

Here, neighbor,
have a few apples.

You know, Wilbur, I
was just telling your wife,

you and I have been partners
in practically everything.

Now, I might be willing to go in

for as much as, oh, 50 percent.

Now, uh, how much should
I make the check out for?

I must be hearing things.

I don't know. What do you
think is fair for half of Mister Ed?

Mister Ed?

Ed and I are going
into show business.

[doorbell ringing]

Wilbur, pardon me
for busting in like this,

but we're on our way.

I've got you and the
horse booked on TV

a week from tonight for $1,000,

and that's only the beginning.

I'm starting to line things
up all over the country.

We're gonna be rich, man, rich!

How do you do?
I'm Wilbur's partner.

Ed.

Roger bought an
interest in our act.

I've got his check right here.

Yeah, get over to the
bank before it bounces.

That's not a nice way to
talk about our neighbor.

I don't trust any
man who wears a tail

in the middle of his face.

That's a mustache.

Please, you're
talking to a star!

[laughing] Oh, you.

Oh, I've been waiting
all week for this.

In five minutes, Wilbur and
Mr. Ed will be on television.

Where's Roger?

Oh, probably soothing his nerves

in a safe deposit vault.

Champagne!

Nothing too good
for our horse's debut.

I shall turn on the bank...
I mean the television.

Oh, we still have five minutes.

Don't be so nervous.

Oh, gee, that's right.
If we're this nervous,

I wonder how my
dearest friend feels.

Oh, don't worry about Wilbur.

I'm talking about my horse.

Doll.

I'll go get some glasses.

Did you tell the cameraman
exactly what I want?

Don't worry, Ed.

Most of your sh*ts
will be close-ups.

Good, that's good.

And, Wilbur, work
to my right profile.

That's my best side.

I know, Ed.

There. Do you mind?

Help yourself.

Oh, Wilbur, you'll be
on in about five minutes.

You'd better check your makeup.

Okay. I've got so much of
this pancake on me now,

I feel like a
waffle. [chuckling]

Oh, Ed, you stay right there.

Oh, Sam, Sam.

Bill, what are you
doing here with Margie?

Oh, ever since that
horse out-performed her,

she's been heartbroken.

She just sulks. She won't eat.

She won't work. She
won't do anything.

I'm terribly worried about her.

Well, I'm willing to
help. What can I do?

Well, I thought if I
brought her backstage,

and she heard her music,
it might snap her out of it.

Sam, she's my bread and butter.

Well, Bill, I'm
willing to try it.

We don't go on for five minutes.

Hey, Joe, play
Margie's twist music.

♪♪ [rock 'n' roll]

There, there's your music.

Come on, dance.

You'll get this nice
bag of peanuts, huh?

It's no use, Bill.
The old girl's had it.

I'm afraid you're right.

Well, I'd, I'd
better call my wife.

She's worried.

Have some peanuts, Margie.

You can use the vitamins.

Don't take it so hard,
Marge. That's show biz.

Ah, come on. Be a real trooper.

After all, you were born
in a trunk, or vice versa.

Please, please don't
make me feel like a heel.

All right, I'll just stay here

'til you make up
your mind to do it.

I don't know, darling.
Margie won't do a thing.

I don't know. I've
tried everything.

Oh, now, honey, don't cry.

This isn't the end of the world.

We've been on the bottom before.

[sobbing]

Well, I'll... I'll get a job.

That's what I'll do.

Now, honey, will
you stop crying?

That's my girl. Uh-huh.

All right, dear.
I'll be home soon.

Goodbye, sweetheart.
[blowing kiss]

That poor man.

[sniffing]

Let's go, boy! Showtime!

How do you feel?

Oh, well, I was a little
nervous at first, you know.

How do you feel now?

Fine. I'm relaxed.

- Great, great.
- [applause, music]

That's your cue! You're on!

You're on, boy! You're on!

Oh, thank you.

You're on.

I hope he won't be nervous.

He's only been on
television once before.

- He'll be marvelous.
- Girls, girls, quiet.

This is it.

Ladies and gentlemen,

tonight, we're proud to present

the most amazing new
animal act we've ever seen.

And here they are, Wilbur Post

and his remarkable
horse, Mister Ed.

Thank you. Thank you very much,

but I'm sure you
will applaud more

when you've seen
Mister Ed perform.

In fact, this horse
is so smart that if I...

[clearing throat]

In fact, this horse is so smart

that if he were a man,

he'd be a college professor
and I would be out of a job.

Why doesn't he stop
with those tired jokes

and give my horse
a chance to perform?

He's ruining our act!

Mister Ed will take
command directly from you,

ladies and gentlemen.

Anything you want
him to do, just call it out.

Have him take the
handkerchief out of your pocket

and wave it at me.

Ed, you heard that
lady in the front row.

Take the handkerchief
out of my pocket

and wave it at her.

Ed, please, the handkerchief.

Ed, I... I'm waiting.

Just take, take, take, take it.

Take the handkerchief
out and wave it.

Ed.

Take the handkerchief
out of my pocket

and wave it at her.

Wave, wave like this.

Ed, look.

Wave it, Ed!

Wave it.

Like this, wave it!

Wave it, Ed!

Wave it, wave it!

I... I guess Mister
Ed is allergic to silk.

He's a nylon man.

Uh, can we have another
command, please?

Have him tell us how old he is.

Ed, tell the lady
how old you are.

Oh, uh, stamp it out.

Ed.

Tell them how old
you are, Ed! Tell them!

Ed, you know you're 8 years old!

Tell them!

Ed, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5... 6, 7, 8.

[Wilbur] Ed, what
are you doing to me?

You know you're 8!

You can take the
champagne back, doll.

There's nothing
to celebrate now.

Ed, please.

Poor Wilbur.

[Wilbur] I'm sorry,
ladies and gentlemen.

[whispering] It's a fiasco.

[Wilbur] He generally
does it right away.

I can't understand it.

I cannot understand it.

Why, that horse hasn't
done one trick yet.

[Wilbur] He's getting
it. He's getting...

Please, if you love
me, Ed, please.

1, 2, 3.

Oh, Ed, look, look
what you're doing.

This is your big chance.

Ed, you know how old you are.

Come on, Ed. Look.

[thumping]

[applause]

Joe, Margie's music!

Ladies and gentlemen,
this is Margie,

the only elephant
that can really twist.

Come on, girl.

♪♪ [rock 'n' roll]

[laughter, applause]

Look, what was
going on out there?

I couldn't go through with it.

Why not?

I just had to give Margie
back her confidence

and also save Mr. Hodges'
bread and butter.

Oh, so that's what
this was all about, huh?

Yeah. [laughing]

Ah, look. Isn't she
cute doing the twist?

[laughter, applause]

I'm a bit of a twister myself.

Come on, Wilbur, join me.

No.

Well, let's waltz then.

Well, that's show biz.

Well, no matter
what they say, Ed,

you'll always be a star to me.

Just wanted to
show you I could do it.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪