03x09 - Ed, the Pilgrim

[bunniefuu]

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mr. Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mr. Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the
answer that you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mr. Ed ♪

[Mr. Ed humming]

What is this?

Happy Thanksgiving, Wilbur.

The same to you, Ed,

but have you been in the
Addisons' garden again?

Not all of me, just my head.

The spirit of Thanksgiving
is giving, not taking.

So Addison gave, and we took.

I appreciate the thought, Ed,

but you've got to
learn to understand

the purpose of a fence.

It's to divide one man's
property from another.

You shouldn't steal
the Addisons' gardenias.

I'm sorry, Wilbur.

You are?

I'm sorry my neck isn't longer,

or you'd have had roses.

Get back into your stall. Go on!

Ohhh!

Lucky you weren't caught,

or the Addisons would
be stuffing a horse now

instead of a turkey.

Wilbur!

Yes, dear?

Ahhh.

Good morning, Mr. Ed.

Honey, do you think a
15-pound turkey will be enough?

Well, that's enough for me,
but what are you going to eat?

Oh, stop joking. I have to know.

Kay and Roger are coming
for Thanksgiving dinner.

Now, what kind of
dressing would you like?

I've got an idea.

You've always gone
to a lot of trouble

cooking that dinner.

This year, it's
going to be different.

Ooh, you're going to cook.

Nah, let's live
this Thanksgiving.

Roger and I will take
you and Kay out for dinner.

Oh, thank you, darling!
That's wonderful!

You know, I've got the most
thoughtful husband in the world.

Yep, you picked the
orchid in the garden of love.

Well, I'd better go
tell Kay our plans.

Hey, orchid boy!

What's this jazz
about eating out?

Well, you know how it is, Ed.

A man's gotta think
of the little woman.

- How about the little horse?
- Forget it, Ed.

Thanksgiving is for
people, not for horses.

- See you later.
- Oh!

Well, thanks, Ed.

You're, uh, you're being
very considerate today, fella.

Please, Wilbur, please,

I don't want to eat
alone on Thanksgiving.

I'll be crying in my hay.

Please be reasonable.

Oh, don't you love your horsey?

Yeah, and I love my wifey too.

Choose between us.

Okay, I choose Carol.

I'll put it another way.

Please don't put me on the spot.

[Ed crying]

Look, Ed, when you cry,

you make me
feel like crying, too.

I have no daddy.

I want to eat with you, Wilbur.

[laugher]

Oh, you win, as usual.

Oh, bless you, bless you!

Yeah, now I've gotta see

if I can talk Carol
out of eating out

or into eating in.

Uh, Wilbur, be crafty.
Women are very foxy.

Just leave it to me, Ed.

When I get finished with Carol,

she'll be glad to eat at home.

You go back in your stall, huh?

- You find a restaurant, dear?
- Not yet.

All the restaurants are
advertising Thanksgiving dinners.

Honey, where
would you like to eat?

Oh, no, dear. This is your day!

Any place you
pick, fine with me.

- Any place?
- Any place.

How about the Gondolier Room?

That greasy spoon?

What's wrong with it?

That chef is so bad,

his kitchen should be
declared a disaster area.

But if you want to
eat there, dear, why...

Oh, no, no, Wilbur.

Maybe you ought
to pick the place.

Me? Oh, no, no, dear, no.

Your taste is good
enough for me.

You pick out some
spot, that's where we'll go.

Okay.

How about Peralto's?

If you want to go to Peralto's,

Peralto's it is,

but we'd better have a
little snack before we leave.

Why?

They serve very
generous portions.

Yeah, but that
service, it's slow.

Between the soup and the
salad, your credit card expires.

But if you want to go
there, dear, it's fine with me.

No, no, Wilbur. I want
you to be happy, too.

Valencia's on Sunset Boulevard!

Now, there... There
is a great restaurant.

And the service is excellent!

Four waiters to every table.

And they need them.

It takes four men to
carry in that check.

Wilbur, do me a favor.
You pick out the place.

Me? Oh, what do I
know about restaurants?

That talk about taking
me out to dinner was fun.

Let's play it again next year.

Honey, the best is none
too good for my little wife.

Valencia's it is!

Wonderful.

Who cares what it costs?

I care how much it costs.

But, doll, I've
already told Carol

we're going to
Valencia's with them.

What possible excuse
could I give for backing out?

I just don't like to be gouged.

I go to one of those
fancy restaurants,

I have to tip the
parking lot attendant.

I have to tip the
hat check girl.

I have to tip the maitre d'.

And before you know it,

there goes 50
cents down the drain.

I tip generously... Not
frequently, but generously.

Sweetheart, we have
just got to go out this year.

Every Thanksgiving, we
have dinner at the Posts'.

And I've never complained once.

Thanksgiving is a time
for family togetherness,

and it should be spent at home

in the tradition of the holiday.

Kay, my mind is made up.

Now, if the Posts
want to go, let them.

[doorbell]

I'll get it, Sugar Daddy.

Hi, Kay.

Wilbur made a reservation
for 7:00 at Valencia's.

Is that okay with you two?

Well, I, I'm afraid you'll
have to forget about us, Carol.

My lumbago is acting up again.

Oh, I'm sorry. We
were looking forward

to taking you and
Kay out to dinner.

Oh?

Roger, it's only a short drive.

Are you sure you
couldn't make it?

Well, we, we, we would
like to be with you kids.

Well, all right.

And if the pain gets too bad,
I can always grit my teeth.

Around a turkey leg.

Congratulations, sweetheart.

What for?

You've just discovered a
miracle cure for lumbago.

Hey, what are you doing?

Going home to Mother.

What for?

I want to be with my
family on Thanksgiving.

Ed, we're your family.

Then how come you're eating out

and I'm eating in?

Ed, your mother is 100
miles away on a farm.

How are you going to get to her?

These are four legs, you
know, not piano stools.

Ed, you're talking like a child.

[Ed crying]

I want my mama.

Please, Ed, I've made my plans.

Mommy! Mommy!

All right, Ed.

[Ed crying]

I'm going to have
to talk to Carol first

and see if I can get
her to cook at home.

[Ed crying]

Oh, oh, thank you, Wilbur.

Would you like me to call
and order the turkey, hm?

You stay out of it.
Carol hasn't agreed yet.

I'm going to have
to work on her first.

Okay! Bless you, Wilbur.

- Yeah, yeah.
- [Ed chuckles]

Carol!

Be right down, darling.

[dialing phone]

Hello, operator?

Would you please test this line?

Yeah, the number
is Poplar 9-1769.

Thank you very much.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Oh, hi, Harry.

Hi. What?

No, no, Harry, kid. I'm,
uh, I'm afraid we can't.

That's very kind
of you to invite us,

but we're, uh, we're
having dinner out

with the Addisons this year.

Yes, well, you enjoy your
home-cooked dinner, Harry, boy.

Yeah, love to Helen.

No, I'm afraid
that's definite, kid.

Carol and I, we're eating out.

Good-bye, Harry.

Oh, why, when did you come down?

Honey, why didn't you tell me

you wanted to have
dinner at home?

Oh, no, you forget
about that call.

No, we are eating at Valencia's.

I love their
K-rations... Uh, turkey.

I'm calling the
butcher right now

and order a turkey,

and I don't want to
hear another word.

[doorbell]

I'll get it. You go ahead.

Here's your turkey, Mr. Post.

Turkey? What turkey?

Oh, you phoned and
ordered a turkey an hour ago.

[Wilbur stuttering]

Turkey? What turkey?

And two quarts
of cranberry sauce

and five bunches of carrots.

Cranberries and five
bunches of, of carrots?

Mr. Post, don't you
want this turkey?

Well, as long as you're here.

Never mind.

This is one turkey that
will not be left at the post.

Take it back, Henry.

[door closing]

Heh-heh, that's very
good, left at the post.

Quick as a flash,
too. I tell you.

You really had me
fooled with that phone call.

Now, look, Carol, I don't
want any arguments.

We are dining out,
and that is an order.

[Ed barking like a dog]

Now cut that out.

If there's anything
I can't stand,

it's a wise guy horse.

Me, too.

I'm glad I'm a cocker spaniel.

[barking]

Why did you order that
turkey without my permission?

I would have had
it all set with Carol,

if you hadn't
phoned the butcher.

Ah, me and my big mouth.

I'm afraid your big mouth
will be eating by itself.

But, Wilbur, you're my family,

and we ought to be
together on my holiday.

Your holiday?

Sure!

If it wasn't for a horse,

there wouldn't be
any Thanksgiving.

What are you talking about?

What did a horse have
to do with Thanksgiving?

Would you like to hear the
real story of Thanksgiving,

the one they're afraid to tell?

No, I'll wait until the
movie comes out.

Well, it all started in 1620.

That was a bad year, Wilbur,

a terrible year
for the Pilgrims.

The crops were poor.

The winter was cold.

The Indians were hostile.

The only friend the Pilgrims had

was one brave
early American horse.

Things finally got so bad,

the governor called an
emergency town council.

[murmuring]

I'm starving! Where's our food?

- You promised us...
- [murmuring]

Silence. Silence, my friends.

Silence.

We're starving.
Where is our food?

Silence, my brethren.
Shut thy big yaps.

I'm only your governor,
not a magician.

I can't make corn grow
where it refuses to grow.

No one can make corn
grow on this barren land.

Husband, the Indians
are making the corn grow.

Yeah.

Of course, of course.

Hold thy tongue, wife.

And if thou canst
not hold it, step on it.

Watch, Your Excellency.
Your wife speaks the truth!

The Indians do grow corn
on this very same land.

We elected you,
because you promised us

bigger harvests than
the other candidate.

Well, naturally.

I had to win the
election somehow.

But I shall keep my
promise, keep them all,

all in due time.

The time is due.
Putteth up or shuteth up.

Who, who saith that?

Who dareth to
speaketh like thateth?

Calm down, dolleth.

Someone should go to the Indians

and bring back
their kind of seed,

- and then we shall have corn.
- Of course.

An excellent idea, an
excellent idea, Citizen Smythe.

Someone must brave
the Indian's arrow

and save our little colony.

Uh, husband, why
dost thou not volunteer?

Thou art the governor.

[shouting]

Woman, it is times like this

when I regret buying two
tickets on the Mayflower.

I'll get the seeds
from the Indians.

They'd never hurt a horse.

[whip cracking]

Uh-oh!

Me thinketh I'll
take a back road.

Oh!

And so the gallant,
handsome horse went off

to save the Pilgrims.

Ed, do you really
expect me to believe

it was a horse who
went to the Indians

and got them to
help the Pilgrims?

Were you there, Wilbur?

No.

So, like I say, it was a horse.

Okay, Ed. And
what happened next?

After three rest stops,

the gallant horse came
to an Indian village,

where lived many brave warriors

and one chickenhearted Indian.

The horse found the
Chief in w*r council.

Must do something
about hostile Pilgrim.

Very quiet in settlement.

They're hungry.

Maybe plan att*ck
on us for food.

Maybe bring w*r.

- Mm-hm.
- Yeah.

No need for w*r.

Hear voice, but see no man.

Must be spirit.

Evil spirit?

Bingo!

Spirit Bingo?

Never hear of this spirit.

Speak to us, o
great Spirit Bingo!

Now hear-um this.

There can be peace
with the Pilgrims.

How? Tell us how, Great Spirit.

Send a brave with seeds.

Teach them how to plant corn.

Spirit Bingo now signing off.

Good idea, but
dangerous mission.

What, what brave can we spare?

Chicken Heart!

Chicken Heart?

Yes, Princess?

My father, the Chief,
wishes to speak with you.

Why me, Chief Thundercloud?

Because you are brave.

Oh, no, me not brave.
Me Chicken Heart.

My father Yellow Tail, my
grandfather White Feather,

my great grandfather
Jelly Spine.

Me come from
long line of cowards.

Thundercloud has spoken.
You have been chosen!

Well, let's not be hasty, Chief.

Why not get all braves
here and then choose, huh?

Uh, short straw
go? Flip-um card?

Low card?

Too much gab.
Get-um show on road!

Who speaks?

Great spirit Bingo.

Me never hear of him.
Must be out of town spirit.

Pick some other brave.

Uh, that did it. Me volunteer.

[Ed, narrating] And
so the chicken Indian,

who by now I know you recognize,

went nervously on his mission.

[turkeys gobbling]

Oh. Bears!

Must get back to village.

Don't be chicken, Chicken Heart.

Who speak?

Me, Chicken.

Who you?

Where you?

Here, chick, chick, chick.

Here, chick!

You talk, horse.

Go to head of teepee.

How can horse talk?

Night school.

Night school?

Ask foolish question,
get foolish answer.

Horse talk to all men?

No, only to you.

I, I like you, Chicken Heart.

I like you, too, horse
that talk like man.

Dear boy.

Why? Why they choose me
for this dangerous mission?

Because by helping the Pilgrims,

you will go down in history,

and I'll get a little
footnote myself.

You come on mission with me?

Flap your wings, Chicken,
and hop on my back.

From now on, we're a team.

Oh, thank you, horse. Thank you.

Hold still, horse.

[Wilbur and Ed grunting]

All right, horse.

You got your laugh, Chickie.

Now, turn around
and let's get going.

All right, horse.

Meanwhile, back at
the Pilgrims' settlement.

[murmuring]

We should have
done this long ago!

[murmuring]

How dare you putteth your
governor in this position.

Methinks this is an
excellent position.

Huh?

What dost thou, woman?

I have need for a few shillings.

There's a sale on
spinning wheels in town.

[coins clinking]

I'm Indian!

Our scouts have
captured an Indian!

Please, you're
cracking my beads.

He was attacking our
village on horseback.

Oh, paleface speak
with twisted tongue.

I bring a gift of
friendship from my people,

a bag of corn seed.

Beware the Indian! He lies.

Release me, so I can
deal with this heathen.

Release our governor.

[murmuring]

We must force this Indian

to reveal their secret
for planting corn.

That's why I've come here.

There's only one way
with Indians... t*rture!

[shouting]

Otherwise, they do not talk.

See, you just take
a handful of seed.

We'll put him in the stocks.

[shouting]

And you sprinkle
them 6 inches apart.

I say put him in
the thumb screws.

Aye, that will
loosen his tongue.

[shouting]

Then you mulch carefully.
Just add a little water.

Not too much now.

Let us put him to
the stretching rack.

Aye, that will break
his defiant silence.

[shouting]

See, too much water,
you'll drown the seeds.

Silence! Let that
chicken Indian talk.

Well said, Smythe.

This is your last chance.
Do you understand?

Tell 'em how Indian
plant-um corn,

or we plant-um Indian.

Okay, you drive hard bargain.

I knew I'd drag it out of him.

[laughter]

And so the team of brave
horse and chicken Indian

made the harvest possible.

[murmuring]

Please, silence.

To peace and goodwill
between our people.

[shouting]

Peace and goodwill.

[glass breaking]

Ah, just my luck.

I picked the
original Indian nut.

Thanks to our Indian
friend, Chicken Liver,

who has provided the
answer to our problem,

we are blessed with
the bounties of nature.

[cheering]

And as your governor,

I hereby proclaim
this a national holiday.

- Hear, hear.
- Hear, hear.

What shall we call
this holiday, husband?

Well, wife, today is a
day for giving thanks.

[murmuring]

How about "You're Welcome" day.

[murmuring, laughter]

No.

How about "Thanks Day"?

How about "Giving Day"?

- [crowd shouting]
- Ehh.

I have answer!

"Thanks Day" very good.
"Giving Day" very good.

Put them both together

and call holiday
Appreciation Day.

[laughter]

Groundhog Day?

Navy Day?

We just had Halloween.

How about Thanksgiving Day?

[cheering]

Thanksgiving Day, a
wonderful suggestion!

Whose idea was that?

My horse.

Uh-oh.

Your horse?

Horse talk.

He's a witch!

A witch!

[murmuring]

Happy Thanksgiving,
Chicken Heart.

What to be happy about?

Well, at least we're
spending the holiday together.

[laughter]

And so that's how a horse
made Thanksgiving possible.

Ed, you have told
some tall tales,

but this one beats them all.

You don't believe it?

Not a word.

[chuckling]

But, Ed, if it means
so much to you,

I promise you we'll spend
Thanksgiving together.

Thanks, Wilbur!

Oh, just call me Chicken.

[Ed laughs]

- [Kay] Wonderful.
- [Roger] Wonderful turkey.

[Kay] I wish I could
learn. Oh, I'm just terrible.

- Perfect.
- Like a turkey m*rder.

Excuse me. Oh, thank you, Eve.

Wilbur, I think
catering the dinner

was a wonderful compromise.

Well, the important thing is

we're having a
home-cooked dinner.

What difference does it make
whose home it was cooked in?

- Right.
- Right.

The last home-cooked
dinner I had

was at my mother's the
day before I got married.

You married me
for my beauty, doll,

not my pot roast.

Well, let's not have
any bickering, shall we?

This is Thanksgiving.

I think we should be grateful
for everything we have

and the fact that we're
together with our loved ones.

Ah, hear, hear. That's nice.

- Oh!
- Can I have some more peas?

- I want everything.
- Seconds, Kay?

Fill them up to
there. Later, please.

Seconds, Carol?

Not right now, honey.

Fifths, Rog?

[laughter]

You help yourself.

Oh, thanks, thanks.

Oh, boy.

Uh, anybody... Would
you like something?

Be sure and save us
some, that's all, Rog.

Just save us a drumstick, dear.

- Excuse me.
- Don't worry, I will.

Oh, they're delicious.

This is a wonderful
turkey, Carol.

Just wonderful.

Happy Thanksgiving, family.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪