03x11 - Ed and Paul Revere

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mister Ed". Aired: January 5, 1961 – February 6, 1966.*
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A horse named Mister Ed shares his words of wisdom only with Wilbur, his hapless owner.
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03x11 - Ed and Paul Revere

Post by bunniefuu »

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

[knock on door]

Come in, Rog.

You busy?

No. Come in.

I just returned from luncheon
with the Civic Committee.

Congratulate me.

Why? Somebody
else pick up the tab?

This is serious. Thanks to me,

there's going to be a statue
of Paul Revere in the park.

Good. Now if those
Redcoats decide to come back,

we'll be ready for them.

Please. Paul
Revere happens to be

one of my illustrious ancestors.

I didn't know you were
related to Paul Revere.

Oh, we Addisons are
all of Boston Back Bay.

The way you're standing,

I can see a little
front bay, too.

I intended to invite you to
my house to dinner tonight

to meet Igor Corzack who
is going to sculpt the statue.

But since you're bursting
with these unwitty witticisms,

you can stay home.

I'll bring a bottle
of champagne.

8:00, sharp.

Aye.

Hey, Wilbur, a lot
of beautiful fillies

will be walking by that
statue in the park, won't they?

Yeah, so what?

Well, if I could pose
for Paul Revere's horse,

that would be like leaving
my phone number, wouldn't it?

Roger won't let you pose.

Forget fuzz lip.

Ask this Igor
Corzack, the sculptor.

Forget it, Ed. You
don't stand a chance.

You know Roger doesn't like you.

Why is it so important for
you to pose for this statue?

Oh, you know that show-off,
Lightning, down at the stables.

Yeah, what about him?

Well, he's been getting
all the play from the fillies

since he posed for
the County Fair poster.

Ed, you can't
have all the fillies.

At least I can try.

Listen, my children,
and you shall hear

how Ed's gonna get
under Paul Revere.

Paul Revere. Roger Addison.

The family resemblance
is there, all right.

Same firm chin,
same unflinching eye,

same clean-cut features.

I had no idea men were
so attractive in those days.

I had no idea men were so vain.

Roger, is it true that Mr. Corzack
is very temperamental?

Well, I'm not concerned
with his temperament.

A man of my intellect
knows how to deal with artists.

It's all psychology.

I hope so, Sigmund.

You're the one who
insisted that the committee

sign that expensive
contract with him.

My dear, I assure you when
I telephoned Mr. Corzack

to arrange the deal, he
was completely business-like,

- calm, unemotional...
- [pounding on door]

Open up. It's Corzack!

How do you do?

[clicks his heels] Igor Corzack.

Hello. I'm Carol Post.

[clicks his heels] Igor Corzack.

[clicks her heels] Kay Addison.

I'm Roger Addison,
chairman of the committee.

[clicks his heels]

You are the head
of the committee?

Why, yes, I am.

Well, that's America.

Mr. Corzack, I take it you are
familiar with American history.

And I suppose you've done

quite a bit of research
on our project?

Authenticity is of prime
importance, isn't it?

Well, with that in mind,
I humbly offer myself

as your model for Paul Revere.

Get me some hot hors d'oeuvres.

Really, Mr. Corzack, I am a
direct descendant of Paul Revere,

seven times removed.

Eight.

I just remove you once more.

Really, Mr. Corzack.

You could never be my
Paul Revere, Mr. Addison.

You're all wrong.

An artist knows when the
right model comes along.

He feels it deep inside.

Why, your chin,
your nose, your ears.

You realize, of course,

you are speaking to the
man who signed your contract.

Yes.

And because you
signed an iron-clad,

non-cancelable contract,

I say to you, get me
some hot hors d'oeuvres.

[doorbell rings]

That must be Wilbur.

Hello, Kay. Sorry I'm late.

Hi, Wilbur. Oh, thank you.

Wilbur, this is Mr. Corzack.

Mr. Corzack, this is our
neighbor Wilbur Post.

Stop!

I beg you... Shh! Don't speak!

Turn the head to the right.

Turn the head to the left.

Look down.

Look up.

Look ahead fearlessly.

Place your legs slightly apart.

Place your right
hand on your hip.

Extend your right hand
as if you're holding a r*fle.

Higher, higher, I want higher.

As long as we're
in this position,

would you care to dance?

I found him, the perfect
model for Paul Revere.

[phone rings]

Hello. Just a minute, please.

Wilbur, it's a Mr. Thompson.

Mr. Thompson?

Excuse me.

Thank you, Kay.

Hello.

It's only me, buddy boy.

When is Igor coming
over to look at me?

I'm sorry, Mr. Thompson.

Nothing like that is
being contemplated.

And please don't call again.

Mrs. Post, I like that man.

He's got the temper.

Mr. Corzack, Mr. Addison
is more the Paul Revere type

than I am.

He's descended from the family.

That's right.

Wilbur isn't related to anybody.

Are you, dear?

Doll?

Doll, snap out of it.

I haven't seen him so green

since I cooked him
my first breakfast.

Mr. Corzack, why can't
Mr. Addison be your model?

Mr. Addison.

Yes, Mr. Corzack.

Get me some hot hors d'oeuvres.

These got cold again.

I'm sorry.

An artist must be free.

I will choose my own models.

Creative talent
must be understood.

It comes from deep within,

and therefore, cannot
be ordered about.

That horse!

- What's he talking about?
- I don't know.

- Where's he going?
- I don't know.

He said something about
a horse or something.

[Kay] Mr. Corzack.

I hope these hors d'oeuvres

are hot enough
for you, Mr. Corz...

Mr. Corz...

Mr. Corzack, I'm
sorry about my horse.

Sometimes he wanders around.

I'll keep him locked up.

Locked up?

That horse is magnificent...
Proud, regal eyes.

Now I have both my models,

my horse and my Paul Revere.

I will work right here on
my preliminary sketches.

My dear, I want my
breakfast at 7 a.m.

Breakfast? What
would you like to eat?

- Everything.
- Mr. Corzack.

Don't you think
that 7 in the morning

is a little early to get
here from your hotel?

You're right,
Mr. Post. You're right.

I will call my hotel and
have them send my things

over to your house right away.

You're coming
here to live with us?

It'd be a great honor.

Thank you.

For you. Not for me.

Here are your hors
d'oeuvres, Mr. Corzack.

Get me some hot hors d'oeuvres.

These are cold again.

Wilbur, will you please go
out there and convince Corzack

that I will make a better
Paul Revere than you?

Don't rush me, Rog.

I don't want to
tangle with that guy

on an empty stomach.

Carol said she was
up at 7:00 this morning

serving both of you breakfast.

She was. He ate mine, too.

He emptied my orange
juice in the kitchen.

It's all your fault,
Mr. Patron of the Arts,

for signing that contract.

Wilbur and Carol are
servants in their own house.

If you are trying to
make me feel miserable,

let me congratulate
you on a job well done.

Anyone is liable to pick a dud.

That's what Mother told me.

Wilbur, Roger is dying
to be Paul Revere.

Please, go out and
talk to Mr. Corzack.

Well, all right.

But if I don't get back,

the insurance policies
are in the bottom drawer.

Ahem.

Interruptions,
interruptions, interruptions.

Well, this is the first
time I've been out there.

Then go back in.

Don't you know you
shouldn't interrupt an artist

when he's at work?

Well, I was just...

You're just what, what, what?

Well, I was just wondering
if it's time for me to pose yet.

When it's time for you to pose,

I'll have your butler call you.

We don't have a butler.

Then get one.

[Corzack] Mr. Post.

Yes, sir.

I expect my lunch
in five minutes.

What did he say, Wilbur?

What happened?

He expects his
lunch in five minutes.

Well, let's face it.

We sent a boy to
do a man's work.

I'll go out there myself.

Mr. Corzack?

Now you interrupt. What is it?

What, what, what, what?

Your lunch will be
ready in five minutes.

Well, this is the fourth day.

I don't know how much longer
Carol and I can stand him.

Oh, Igor is a nice, sweet guy.

The only trouble is
everybody hates him.

He's gonna break me.

You know what he
had for breakfast?

What?

Dinner.

I'll be glad when
that statue is finished

and in the park.

Ho ho ho! Me, too, Wilbur.

I can't wait till those fillies

get a load of me in bronze.

Why don't you have them
put your telephone number

on the bottom of the statue?

Oh, Wilbur, I'll
settle for Paul Revere

on his majestic horse.

You know what the
inscription is really gonna say?

Paul Revere by Igor Corzack.

You mean, they're not
gonna mention the horse?

Not a mention.

Where would Paul Revere
have been without his horse?

I don't know.

Oh, why are they
always leaving horses

out of American history?

I don't know. I flunked
American history.

Who pulled the covered
wagons? Horses.

Ah, yes. But men like me
were inside those wagons.

That's why they were covered.

It's an old joke.

Well, Custer's last stand.

We were there, too.

That was a disaster, though.

What do you think the
Indians were riding?

Rabbits?

Ed, please. I've got work to do.

Look, I would love to see
the horses get the credit,

but Igor is the boss,

and the inscription
is just gonna read

Paul Revere by Igor Corzack.

Well then, this is what
I think of Igor Corzack.

[snort]

Mr. Corzack.

I'm trying to
concentrate on a horse,

and I'm looking at a jackass.

I thought if you saw
me as Paul Revere,

you might change your mind.

I told you before I could
not use you as Paul Revere

and now I am, positively.

Mr. Post, bring out your horse.

I'm ready to work.

Come on, Ed.

Oh, yeah.

Let's go.

You better talk to him first.

Either the horse
gets credit or else.

Else what?

You'll see.

Come on.

Oh.

Mr. Corzack, let
me point out to you

that you're making a mistake.

I belong on that statue.

I have Revolutionary
blood in my veins.

My ancestors were Minutemen.

Good.

I'll give you one
minute to join them.

Hi, Mr. Corzack.

Rog, are you... Your
neighbor is a fool.

Yes, he is.

I'm sorry, Rog, he's got
me saying yes to everything.

Mr. Corzack, don't you
think Paul Revere's horse

should be mentioned
on the statue, too?

Why?

Well, after all,
he rode a horse,

and horses pulled
covered wagons,

and at Custer's last stand,

they didn't ride rabbits.

Your neighbor is a fool, too.

Yes, sir. And I'm
not just yessing him.

Oh, stop all this nonsense.

Mr. Post, have your
horse assume his pose.

Yes, sir.

Ed, get up.

Come on, Ed.

Up.

Up, horse.

He's just not gonna pose today.

Then get another horse.

Oh, no. I use that horse,

or I don't finish the statue.

Then you're breaking
your contract?

After you pay me the full fee.

I may have an accent
but I also have a lawyer.

Well, don't just stand there.

Get him up.

Ed, come on up.

Unless this animal
comes to his senses,

I will be on a plane
tomorrow with your check

for the full amount in
my pocket, of course.

I wonder if anybody
ever committed hari-kari

in a three-cornered hat.

[Ed grunts]

Why didn't you pose?

You're gonna cost the
community a fortune.

You believe a man
has a right to stand up

for his principles, don't you?

Oh, of course.

Then a horse has the
right to lie down for his.

I'm sorry Roger's so upset

about that silly statue
of Mr. Corzack's.

He's always had
a sour disposition,

but now it's curdled.

Is Roger still angry with me?

You know that sweater you
gave him for his birthday?

Yes.

He's polishing
his shoes with it.

I wish he were Paul Revere.

I'll go and have
a talk with him.

Don't be surprised
if he doesn't answer.

He's turned into a mummy.

Well, maybe I can unwrap him.

Hi, Rog.

Rog?

Oh, come on, Rog, you don't
have to go into a state of shock

just because you
can't be Paul Revere.

Would you please leave the room?

Come on, Rog. Get
a smile on your face.

I can't. It hurts too much.

Rog, it's all in your mind.

Now just keep
saying to yourself,

I don't care if I'm
not Paul Revere.

I don't care if I'm
not Paul Revere.

I don't care if I'm
not Paul Revere.

I don't... I do care.

I want to be Paul Revere.

Rog, my shirt.

The idea of that
statue was mine.

Yeah, Rog, this shirt...

Nobody should be
Paul Revere but me.

Roger, my shirt, please.

Oh, Wilbur. Oh,
I'm sorry, Wilbur.

That's all right.

I always was a casual dresser.

Forgive me for
being so emotional.

Well, Roger,
it's not your fault.

I wouldn't blame you.

I mean, after all, you
should be Paul Revere.

Tell that to Corzack.

I will. I will.

I'll get that chow
hound to listen to reason

if I have to put a lock
on the refrigerator.

My ancestor and I thank you.

Look, I want Roger
Addison to be Paul Revere.

He's a perfect Paul
Revere and you know it.

Now what do you have to say?

Pass the salt.

If Roger Addison
can't be Paul Revere,

I won't get my horse
to pose for the statue.

But I must have that
magnificent beast.

No Roger, no horse.

This is blackmail.

Yeah.

Well, that I understand.

Ed.

But Wilbur, that's blackmail.

Ed, if you won't
pose with Roger,

I'll get another horse.

I'll get Lightning.

Threats! Threats! Threats!

I mean it. You
think I'm kidding?

I'll get Lightning.

I'm not threatening. I mean it.

Get excited, Lightning, come on.

It's all right.

Hello, Ed.

Hello, Wilbur.

You're not mad at me
for not posing, are you?

No. It all turned
out for the best.

How's that?

We'll discuss it later.

Ed, it's a little
stuffy in here.

Why don't you open your door?

Sure.

[Ed] Hey, what gives?

Wilbur!

Wilbur, what's
Lightning doing here?

He's gonna pose for the statue.

My rival?

So he'll finish up
with all the fillies.

Oh, I see.

So that's how you're
gonna get me to pose.

Wilbur, that's blackmail.

It worked with Corzack,
and it'll work with you.

All right.

You want me to tell Mr. Corzack

you're gonna
pose for the statue?

Is that what you want, Ed?

Yeah.

And, Wilbur, take
Lightning back.

He's on his way.

Fine.

Now make sure he stays
in that position, Mr. Post.

Yes.

All right. Now, where
is my Paul Revere?

My Paul Revere.

Here I am.

Go mount the animal.

I assume you know
where the top part is.

Well, you don't
have to be snide.

Roger is gonna be Paul Revere?

Yes.

Rog, you look great.

Thank you.

Enough of this small
talk. Let us begin.

Oh, no, not again!

Don't worry. I'll call
the Tallyho Stables.

They have a magnificent
horse called Lightning.

Up and down. Up and down.

What is he? A horse or a yo-yo?

It won't happen again.

He'll stay there. Come on.

Wilbur, how can
I ever thank you?

You don't have to.
You deserve this.

Why, you're the spirit
of Paul Revere, Rog.

You look so brave, so
fearless, vibrant, full of vitality.

Yeah. Now help me up.

Yeah.

[applause]

And so, distinguished
mayor, my fellow citizens,

I am just as eager as you
are to catch my first glimpse

of the statue of my illustrious
ancestor and his horse.

And no one deserves more credit

than my good friend
and neighbor, Wilbur Post.

[applause]

Mr. Post insisted that
I pose for Paul Revere.

[applause]

Oh, boy.

Wait till the fillies
see me as a statue.

I'll have to b*at
them off with a club.

Who is more fitted
to unveil this statue

than its distinguished
creator, Mr. Igor Corzack.

[applause]

Yes, and now the moment
you've all been waiting for.

My work of genius.

I can't believe it.

What is this?

[people laughing]

Ohh!

Mr. Corzack, what have you done?

Silence! This is a masterpiece.

It represents the pure
essence of Paul Revere.

Didn't you people know I was
an Impressionistic sculptor?

Mr. Corzack, you mind if I
make one little suggestion?

Well, yes, of course.

Put the cover back on.

I'm sorry about that statue.

Forget it, Wilbur, it
turned out for the best.

It did?

Yeah. I've already
started a rumor

that Lightning posed for it.

Give me another bite.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪
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