03x22 - The Price of Apples

[bunniefuu]

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

Ah, I gotta swipe me

a few apples from
Addison's tree.

[sighs]

Those big ones on
top look nice and juicy.

[laughs]

The perfect crime.

No fingerprints.

Good morning, Ed.

Hi, buddy-boy, buddy-buddy.

What's new?

What can be new with a horse?

I'm just standing
around, eating, sleeping,

and swatting flies.

Ed, don't you sometimes
wish you were a human being?

Never.

How can you b*at standing
around, eating, sleeping,

and swatting flies?

Well, it sure beats working,
worrying, and paying taxes.

Naturally.

- Hello, Wilbur.
- Hi, Rog.

I have an apple here for Mr. Ed.

Is it all right if
I give it to him?

- Well, yes, but...
- But what?

Well, I always thought
you didn't care for Ed.

[laughs] Whatever
gave you that idea?

Here, nice horsey.

[sputters]

Hey.

What was the idea of
giving my horse a wax apple?

If that plug steals any
more of my apples,

you're going to
have a wax horse.

- Now, just a minute.
- Don't tell me he's innocent.

There are a dozen apples
missing from my tree

and horseshoe
prints all over the yard.

Don't tell me it
was a large rabbit.

Now, that is just
circumstantial evidence.

You could be hanging
an innocent horse.

Oh, stop. That fat clown has
eaten so many of my apples,

he's got cider
coming out of his ears.

Now, Rog, don't get excited.

I'm perfectly happy
to pay for the apples.

Pay? Money could never
replace the blood, sweat, and tears

I put into that tree.

Do you think that you can buy
everything in life with money?

No offense, Rog.

I was willing to pay
a dollar an apple.

I'll take it.

Well, I didn't think you would
be mean enough to take it.

I didn't think you'd be
fool enough to offer it,

but I warn you.

The next time it's going
to cost you $5.00 an apple.

[groans]

You heard the man. From now on
he's charging me $5.00 an apple.

I can't help it, Wilbur.

I just love that man's apples.

Why does it have to be his?

If you want
apples, just tell me.

I'll get you a whole
sack full from the store.

But they won't be the same.

Addison's apples are different.

Different? How?

Well, it's hard to
explain, Wilbur,

but once you've tasted
one, you're hooked.

You just gotta have more.

Ed, be reasonable.

Try to see this from
Addison's point of view.

Here's a man who
spends hundreds of hours

trying to develop an apple

that has all the qualities

of the McIntosh, the
Winesap, and the Pippin.

Oh, when you talk like that,

you make my mouth water.

Still at it, huh?

Uh-huh, woman's work.

Hey, look at these apples
I picked up at the market.

Fifteen cents apiece.

- Aren't they beautiful?
- Oh, yes.

Sorry, they're not for us.

Then who are they for?

Uh, Ed.

Ed?

You mean, every
time I want an apple,

I've got to go out to the barn?

Here, be Ed's guest.

You think he can spare it?

I'm sorry, Carol,

but you know the
problem we have,

Ed stealing Roger's apples.

I've got a problem
stealing Ed's apples.

Carol, listen.

15 cents an apple?

Why, you can get a whole
barrel full down at the feed store

for a couple of dollars.

Feed store apples...
They're for horses.

Then who is that big,
fat man out in the barn

with the four legs and the tail?

Carol, try to understand.

Once and for all,
we've got to cure Ed

of stealing Roger's apples.

Do you have to cure
him with 15-cent apples?

There's a reason for that.

You see, if he keeps
stealing Roger's apples,

they're going to
cost us $5.00 a piece,

so actually we are saving money.

[chuckles]

Come on, Ed. These
are good apples.

They cost 15 cents apiece.

Ed, these are wonderful apples.

They're Jonathans.

I want Addison's.

What's the difference?

An apple is an apple. Here.

You don't satisfy a craving
for caviar with herring.

Look, do you want
these apples or don't you?

They don't do a thing for me.

Oh, please, Wilbur,

I've got to have an
Addison apple real bad.

Ed, you have got to fight
this craving for his apples.

Okay, but when I'm fighting,

can you get me one to chew on?

- No.
- Please.

Please, Wilbur, please.

Please, Wilbur, just
one Addison apple,

one for the road.

Ed, I am going to have
to cure you the hard way.

I'm going to lock you in here

so you won't be tempted

to sneak into Addison's yard.

But you can't cut me off cold.

Can't I taper off?

Taper off?

Yeah, cut me down
to ten apples a day,

then five a day,
then three, then one,

then back to ten.

- No.
- Oh, I love Addison's apples.

Ed, there's only one
way to break a habit,

and that's to stop it cold.

- [Ed groans]
- Get in there.

What are you doing, doll?

Baking a cake.

Well, as long as you're baking,

how about taking a
cheesecake picture?

Make sure you get my legs.

Kay, the only limbs
I'm interested in

are those with apples on them.

You are getting older.

I'm taking an inventory

of every apple on this tree.

If that horse of Wilbur's
steals any more of these,

it's going to cost
him $5.00 apiece.

Uh-huh.

Kay, you're hiding the tree.

Well, wouldn't you like
at least one sh*t of me?

No, the horse steals
only apples, not wives.

Kay, please, huh?

[Ed chewing]

What have you got in your mouth?

- What mouth?
- Your mouth.

What are you chewing?

Ch-Chewing?

Let me smell your breath.

Uh-huh.

That smells like apple.

Eh, it does, huh?

Probably one of Addison's.
Where did you get it?

It's from this morning.

I had it stashed for a nightcap.

Oh, you did.

How many more have you
got hidden around here?

Uh, how many more what?

Oh, never mind.

[clears throat]

Excuse me.

Uh-huh.

False bottom in
the feed bag, huh?

I've been framed.

We've got three in here.

Oh, Ed.

Drawers are too easy for you.

So that's where my
tape disappeared to, huh?

Where else have you hidden them?

This is America.

You can't make a horse
testify against himself.

Why are you standing
over here by the window?

Uh-Uh-Uh, just
cooling off a little.

Uh-huh. Step aside, please.

Stand back.

Mm-hm.

Ed, you need help.

Tomorrow I'm going to take
you to see an animal psychiatrist.

Uh, to a head shrinker?

For a few measly apples?

Look, it isn't just a
few measly apples, Ed.

Do you realize what's happened?

You've become
a... an apple-holic.

Excuse me, do you have the time?

Sorry, I don't have my watch.

Excuse me.

Do you have the time?

Oh, certainly.

It's exactly 12:04.

Oh, better make that 12:05.

Oh, it's past
Jacques' lunchtime,

and he's getting fidgety.

He's very cute.

He's very disturbed.

Oh, what seems to be wrong?

He keeps biting my husband.

Oh, that's too bad.

Do you know why?

Oh, Dr. Griffith said

it's just because he's
trying to get attention.

Oh.

What is your husband
doing about it?

He's taking tetanus sh*ts.

Well, I think he'll outgrow it.

I'm not so sure.

If he hasn't gotten over
the fear of dogs by now,

I'm afraid he never will.

I wouldn't worry, my dear.

Dr. Griffith is
wonderful with animals.

He says a few more treatments,

and Agnes will
overcome her fear of mice.

A cat afraid of mice?

Faints.

Doctor says she was
probably frightened by a mouse

when she was a little kitten,

and you know how these
childhood phobias hang on.

Oh, yes.

My horse was perfectly
normal until now.

Oh, what's wrong with him?

Split personality.

He thinks he's Apple Annie.

So, you see, Mr. Cesano,

there's really nothing
wrong with your parrot.

[Italian accent] But I
don't understand it, doctor.

She's born right
here in this-a country.

Why does she
talk with an accent?

Yes.

[Dr. Griffith] Mr. Post,
I believe you're next.

Thank you, Doctor.

Is, uh, this the patient?

Yes, I hope he's not
too big for your couch.

[mock chuckles]

Just have him wait here.
Will you step in, please?

Yes.

Uh.

Hold that, huh?

Won't be too long.

Now, what was the
problem, Mr. Post?

Well, it's rather
unusual, doctor.

Unusual?

Yes.

They say an apple a day
keeps the doctor away,

but here I am.

I don't understand.

Well, it's about my horse.

You see, he's a
compulsive apple eater.

There's nothing unusual
about that, Mr. Post.

All horses love apples.

Well, he doesn't
love all apples,

just the ones off
my neighbor's tree.

Oh, I see.

Have you tried loading some
of the apples with pepper?

That ought to discourage him.

Pepper?

No, I couldn't do that to Ed.

You see, he hates
practical jokes.

Once... as a gag,

I took his television
set out of the barn.

When he came back, he was...

J-Just a moment, Mr. Post.

You say your horse
has a television set?

Yeah. Well, he spent so
much time alone in the barn

that he got tired
of his record player.

Record player.

You did say your
horse had the problem.

Yeah.

He steals my neighbor's apples.

Mr. Post, I think that
you're needlessly concerned.

You see, a horse has
no sense of right or wrong.

It's not unusual for
him to take an apple

off a branch that's
within easy reach.

Oh, well, they're not
all within easy reach.

He gets the good
ones off the top.

Mr. Post, are you
trying to tell me

that your horse climbs trees?

Of course not.

A horse can't climb trees.

What kind of animals
do climb trees, Mr. Post?

A cat?

Good. Good.

Thank you.

This is an obsession with
him, this apple stealing,

and you know what he does
with them after he swipes them?

No, what?

Hides them all around the barn.

Yesterday I found one
under a picture frame,

another one was
taped under a table,

and he fixed up a
secret compartment

in the bottom of his feed bag.

Mr. Post, let's be
honest with each other.

Your horse doesn't
have a problem.

You're just using
him as a front.

Front?

You're a compulsive drinker,

and you're too embarrassed
to go to a people psychiatrist.

You don't believe me.

I certainly do not.

All right, doctor.

Have it your way,

but when my horse
ends up on skid row,

I hope you can sleep nights.

I still don't like the idea

of putting pepper in that apple.

If Roger finds out,
he'll be furious.

I'm just fixing
this juicy beauty

that I know Ed will go for.

Hand me the funnel, dear.

Thank you.

Now the pepper, please.

- Here.
- Thank you.

[chuckles]

The psychiatrist said
this would be a sure cure.

I hate to do this to Ed,

but he's got to
learn once and for all

that crime does not pay.

Pepper in apples.

How naive.

Thank you.

Now we'll just put this
little piece of apple back,

and Ed will never
know the difference.

Honey, the Addisons
will be back any minute.

I'm getting nervous.

Carol, if I ever
pull a bank job,

remind me to leave you at home.

Maybe I just wasn't
cut out to be a g*n moll.

Here. I'll be at the house.

Chicken.

[sneezing]

I still think it's ridiculous

running all over town

for some dried-up old leaves.

These are not just
dried-up old leaves.

This happens to be
scientifically prepared peat moss,

and you can't find
a better fertilizer.

Well, and maybe if I dabbed
a little behind my ears,

I'd get some attention
around here, too.

Kay, you have no idea what a
tremendous feeling of satisfaction it is

creating a beautiful fruit tree

out of just a handful of seed,

a little mulching,
a little love.

Well, I have need for love.

How about a little
mulching for me?

Darling, uh...

What are you doing, Addison?

Uh-oh.

For you, my dear.

Why don't you give it
to me for my birthday?

Darling, you don't know
what you're missing.

[gasping]

Oh, what's the matter, Addison?

Oh...

What's the matter?

Oh, what happened, doll?

[Wilbur] Roger, what's wrong?

[stammers]

- That apple.
- Apple?

I think his tree turned on him.

What... Oh.

Oh... Roger, I'm sorry.

- That's all my fault.
- Your fault?

- Well, the psychiatrist's.
- What psychiatrist?

Ed's.

Your horse has a psychiatrist?

No, no, no, you see,

we were trying to discourage Ed from
swiping your apples, Dr. Griffith and I,

and the thought suddenly came
up... why not put a lot of pepper

into one of Mr. Addison's apples
so when the horse comes over...

Out.

Well, theoretically
it was a great idea.

Out!

Maybe you better go
home till he cools off.

Roger... - Out? - Out.

Be back in a year or two.

Oh, he meant well, doll.

Kay, it's that horse of his.

I have had it. I'm going
to call my lawyer right now.

Oh, now, Addison.

I am going to take legal steps

and make him get rid of
that four-legged Jesse James.

Well, looks as though
Addison means business.

I have a subpoena
charging you with trespassing

and being a public nuisance.

We'd better ask for
a mixed jury, Wilbur.

Half horses.

I know what you mean.

I'm back to eating
plain old apples, Wilbur.

Did you tell him?

I tried to, but he
won't talk to me.

Well, uh, maybe if you invited
him over for dinner tonight.

No, that wouldn't
be a smart idea.

Why not?

Carol's serving pepper steak.

Oh. Well, maybe if you
got him some little gift.

He doesn't want a little gift.

All he's interested
in is his apple tree.

Wait a minute.

You just gave me a great idea.

A great idea.

Uh, swell.

I give him a great idea,

and he don't even
tell me what it is.

[booming]

[alarm blaring]

[Addison] What is this?
What's going on here?

[Kay] It's Wilbur.

[sighs] Wilbur, I
told you not to do it.

Not to do what?

I told you to keep
off my property.

What are you trying to
do, steal my whole tree?

No, I did not come here
to steal a tree, Roger.

I came here to give you a tree.

What?

Well, why...

Hey, this is from the
malus baccata family.

Oh, and a healthy little fella.

Well, I certainly do
appreciate this, Wilbur,

but why didn't you bring
it around to the front door?

Well, I thought
I'd plant it here

and surprise you.

Then when you came
out in the morning,

it would be kind of, well,

as if your tree had a baby.

Well, thank you, Wilbur.
Thank you very m...

Why, it's beautiful.
It... It's just beautiful.

That's all I needed
around here...

Another tree full of
tempting Addison apples.

Oh, my, a horse just never wins.

Ed, it's been a week now

since you gave up
eating Addison's apples.

That shows great character.

I'm proud of you.

Well, I knew if I didn't
go on the wagon,

I'd wind up pulling one.

I admire your will power.

Tell me, what do you do now

when you get a craving
for one of Addison's apples?

Oh, I just reach for a pear.

- A pear?
- Yeah.

Wait a minute. Where'd
you get a pear around here?

[clears throat]

The only pear tree is in
Mr. Simon's house behind us,

and he... Oh, no.

Well, I guess I'm
back to hay again.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪