03x24 - Ed the Emancipator

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mister Ed". Aired: January 5, 1961 – February 6, 1966.*
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A horse named Mister Ed shares his words of wisdom only with Wilbur, his hapless owner.
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03x24 - Ed the Emancipator

Post by bunniefuu »

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

"With malice toward
none, with charity for all."

Oh, that's beautiful.

I think I'll have those words
engraved on my saddle.

Good morning, Ed.

Morning.

What are you all made up for?

I was reading about
Abraham Lincoln.

Gee, Wilbur, I'd sure
love to be like him.

You tried growing a beard?

What's the use? My whiskers
grow on the wrong end.

I'm glad you feel that way
about Abraham Lincoln, Ed.

We should all try
to be more like him.

He said all men
are created equal.

That's right.

Does that go for horses, too?

Except at the racetrack
where they give odds.

♪ Glory, glory hallelujah ♪

♪ Glory, glory... ♪

Ed.

- Wilbur.
- Hmm?

I picked up Kay's
birthday present.

Wow.

Wait'll you see it.

Oh, that's swell.

She's always wanted
a pet. She'll love this.

The man at the bird shop said it
was the smartest cockatoo he had.

Listen. Happy Birthday, Kay.

Happy Birthday, Kay.

Ah... Happy Birthday, Kay.

Happy Birthday, Kay.

[squawks]

- Was it very expensive?
- $15.

Awk. $15. $15.

Oh, Wilbur, that could
be very embarrassing

if the bird said
that in front of Kay.

Yeah. Sort of a
talking price tag.

I'll fix that up.

$30. $30.

$15. $15.

[squawks]

I'll come down a little
if you'll come up a little.

I'll leave her here.

We'll give it to Kay
after breakfast tomorrow.

But that time,
maybe I can teach it

to walk in with a birthday cake.

See you later, darling.

Okay. Come on, little guy.

Come on over here.

Got to admit it, Ed.

That's a pretty
smart little bird, huh?

Well, yeah. He's
a cute little fella.

[angry squawk]

Sorry, honey.

I meant a cute little miss.

Come on. Time for your bath.

Wait, Wilbur.

She, uh... [whispers]

Oh, sorry.

- Thank you, Wilbur.
- I understand.

Come on, honey. Try it again.

"Fourscore and seven years ago."

Fourscore and seven... [squawks]

Not "awk, awk." Seven
years. Years, stupid.

Uh, seven years. Years.

Yeah, that's better.

Stupid.

Don't be a wise guy.

Now let's try it again.

[squawks]

What's going on here? What
are you two arguing about?

She just won't learn
the Gettysburg Address.

Maybe she's from Dixie.

I think she's from hunger.

Well, she won't be getting
into your hair much longer, Ed.

We're giving her to Kay today.

Oh, yeah?

I hope she gets enough to eat.

What do you mean?

You know Addison's a cheapskate.

Awk. Addison's a cheapskate.
Addison's a cheapskate.

Why do you teach her that?

I want the kid to know
what she's up against.

There ought to be a law
against talking animals.

- Oh, yeah?
- [squawks]

Kay. Kay darling.

Yes?

Yes, doll?

Are you ill?

My dear, an indeterminate
number of years ago,

you made your
entrance into the world,

and to commemorate
the happy occasion,

I hereby present you with this
humble token of my affection.

Oh, Addison!

One earring?

There'll be other birthdays.

But, doll, when I checked
this jewel case last night,

it had two earrings.

Give Mother.

Real diamonds.

I could cry.

Go right ahead. I cried
when I signed the check.

[doorbell rings]

Darling, you stay here
and continue your little cry.

I'll answer it.

- Well, hello.
- Hi, Roger.

- Happy Birthday, Kay.
- Thank you, Carol.

[bird squawks]

Happy Birthday, neighbor.

Thank you, Wilbur.

- Here we are.
- What's that?

Wait a minute.

- Surprise for you.
- Wonderful.

There we are.

A cockatoo. Oh, thank you both.

I've always wanted one.

Her name is Claudia.
She's a real good talker.

Right now, she's learning
the Gettysburg Address.

Better not learn this address

because she's not going
to be around here very long.

But, Addison, she's so cute.

Just wait till you hear her.

She talks beautifully.

Come on, Claudia. Say something.

Addison's a cheapskate.
Addison's a cheapskate.

[squawks]

Addison's a cheapskate.

As I understand it,

they repeat only
what they've heard.

She didn't hear it from me.

Me, neither.

I'm no squealer.

She might've heard it
down at the bird farm.

You know how those
things get around.

Say "I'm sorry, Roger."

I'm sorry, Roger.

I'm sorry, Roger.

Mr. Addison to you.

[squawks] Mr. Addison's
a cheapskate.

Mr. Addison's a cheapskate.

Wilbur, I'm sure
that Kay appreciates

the sentiment
behind this little gift,

but considering the way
I feel about animals...

But, doll, this isn't an
animal. It's a talking bird.

There is just one word
I want to hear from it,

and that is "good-bye."

Nothing like a nice
family spat to clear the air.

[door slams]

We'll exchange it for
something else, Kay.

Oh, no, please.

Look, maybe if you could
keep Claudia over at your place

for a little while, just till
I break Addison down.

Break Addison down,
break Addison down.

[squawks]

Cheapskate, cheapskate.
Addison's a cheapskate.

"Our fathers brought
forth on this continent

a new nation
conceived in liberty."

Our fathers, our fathers.

[squawks]

Addison's a cheapskate,
Addison's a cheapskate.

I know that, I know that.

But let's stick to our lesson.

Would you two cut it out? I'm
trying to get some work done here.

She ought to learn
that speech, Wilbur.

She's an American.

You should be teaching her
"The Battle Hymn of the Republic."

Yeah. Why not?

[clears throat]

♪ Glory, glory hallelujah ♪

[both] ♪ Glory,
glory hallelujah ♪

Okay, okay.

If you don't cut it out, I'm
going to separate you two.

That would be a mistake, Wilbur.

As Abraham Lincoln said,

"A horse divided against
itself cannot stand."

Ed, I warn you.

Please, Wilbur.

Let's act with
malice toward none,

with charity for all.

Ed, Lincoln also said don't
swap horses in midstream.

Don't tempt me,
Ed. Don't tempt me.

[squawks] Don't tempt
me. Don't tempt me.

♪ Glory, glory hallelujah ♪

Ed, I warned you.

[both] ♪ Glory,
glory hallelujah ♪

- Hi, Wilbur.
- Hello, Kay.

Thanks so much
for keeping Claudia.

Looks like you'll have to
return my birthday present.

Rog just won't go
for the bird, huh?

With a shotgun, yes.

My poor doll is afraid of anything
that has fins, feathers, or a tail.

Heaven only knows what
started this awful phobia.

Maybe when he was a
kid, his teddy bear bit him.

He says that all
animals are treacherous.

He really believes that?

He won't even turn his
back on a piggy bank.

I'm sorry, Wilbur,
but I'm afraid

you'll just have
to return Claudia.

Okay, we'll get you something
else. What would you like?

A man-eating lion,

and I've got just
the man for him.

Well, good-bye, Claudia.

- I'll tell Carol, okay?
- Okay.

Okay. Bye.

[squawks] Good-bye,
Claudia. Good-bye, Claudia.

[cage rattles]

In the name of Abraham Lincoln,

I've set you free.

Ed!

What's the big idea?

In the words of Abraham Lincoln,

no nation can endure
half sl*ve, half free.

I lost 15 bucks. You
know what you just did?

The world will little note

or long remember
what I have done.

I have to get a horse that
thinks he's Abraham Lincoln.

You won't be satisfied
till you get sh*t.

- [Claudia squawks]
- [Addison yells]

Help, help!

You beast.

You vampire.

- I'll get you for this.
- What happened?

- I've been att*cked.
- att*cked?

Your birthday present
bit me on the nose.

Wilbur, how did she
escape from her cage?

It wasn't an escape.
It was a liberation.

A sort of flight to freedom.

Wilbur, I warn you.

If I come down with bird poisoning,
you'll hear from my lawyer.

There it goes again.

Keep it away from me.

Come on, Clyde Beatty.

Mother will bandage your nose.

You believe this?

Wilbur, why did you
let the bird get away?

It wasn't me, it was Ed.

- Ed?
- Yeah.

Animals always try
to help each other out.

When Ed saw
Claudia in that cage,

he waited his chance,

and as soon as my back
was turned, jail break.

Sure. Ed slipped a file
into Claudia's birdseed.

Addison's a cheapskate,
Addison's a cheapskate.

Claudia, come here.

[squawks]

Where you going?

Let her go, Wilbur.

Claudia!

Now she belongs to the ages.

Addison.

Let's go to bed.

How can I go to bed

when that vulture is lurking
out there waiting for me?

Doll, it isn't a vulture.

It's just a
harmless little bird.

Harmless? Right now, it's flying
around with a piece of my nose

in its beak.

It's stifling in here.

Please open one of the windows.

I tell you, Kay, it's
out there waiting.

Isn't it ridiculous, Addison...

A grown-up man terrorized
by a little household pet?

[Claudia squawks]

Addison's a cheapskate,
Addison's a cheapskate.

[squawks]

It's back.

What are you doing?

Kay, I tell you, there's
got to be a showdown.

It is either that monster or me.

[g*n fires]

Now what happened?

That beast...

That beast tried to take
the g*n away from me.

[doorbell rings]

Don't answer it.

Kay, Kay. It may be a trap.

What? Do you honestly
think it's Claudia?

Any bird that can
talk can ring doorbells.

[doorbell rings]

What happened?

We were out on the
patio, we heard a sh*t.

You just missed Billy
the Kid's last... fight.

What are you doing back there?

Nobody believes me, but
there's a vulture out there

with my name on its beak.

But, Roger, she's such
a sweet, tame little bird.

Then why did it bite my nose?

She comes from South America.

She may have
mistaken it for a banana.

[squawks]

There it is again.
Shut that door.

Mr. Addison's a cheapskate.

Where are you going?

I'm getting out of town.
I'm going to Palm Springs,

until Wilbur gets that
bat back in its cage.

Roger, look, birds
don't hold grudges.

Tomorrow morning,
you'll go out in the garden,

and the first thing you know,
she'll be eating your hand off.

Off your hand.

Meet me in the back, Kay.

If you want me, I'll be
at the Casa de la Luna.

Well, on account
of you, Mr. Lincoln,

Addison seceded
from the neighborhood.

He did?

That's right, Abe.

He left last night
for Palm Springs.

What's more, he even threatens
to put his house up for sale

unless I can get
Claudia back in her cage.

But, Wilbur, birds
don't belong in cages.

Remember, this is America.

♪ O beautiful, for
spacious skies ♪

[Ed and Claudia sing] ♪
For amber waves of grain ♪

[Claudia sings] ♪ O
beautiful, for spacious skies ♪

That's where you're hiding her.

Get out of my way.

Fly north, honey.
I'll fight off the rebels.

Hi, Rog?

Rog, you can come home now.

I caught Claudia and took
her back to the bird farm.

She's all locked up.

She couldn't get out now

if she had a brother
on the parole board.

Swell, Rog. See you
when you get back.

Well, Ed, you tried
to outsmart me, huh?

But I fooled you.

You can fool all of the
horses part of the time,

and part of the
horses all the time,

but you can't fool
this horse any time.

Abe Lincoln rides again.

In the name of the
great emancipator,

I hereby set all you birds free.

I do hope Kay likes this
handbag we're giving her.

Kay will, but Roger might not.

- Why not?
- It's alligator.

With his luck, there might
be a couple of bites left in it.

What time do you
think they'll be back?

Around 10:00.

I wish we'd thought of this
handbag before we bought Claudia.

That's past now, isn't it?

No use crying
over spilt birdseed.

Come on, kids.

Oh, boy, what a chicken outfit.

Oh, you sound hungry.

Tell you what, kids.

The Addisons are out of town.

I think their back
door is unlocked.

Let's go over and
raid their refrigerator.

Ready? Hup, 2, 3, 4.

Hup, 2, 3, 4.

Come on. Dig in, fellas.

There's plenty more
where this came from.

"Happy Birthday, Kay.

Love, Carol and Wilbur."

She ought to love
Carol and Wilbur,

considering what that bag cost.

She'll flip over it.

[squawk]

- What was that?
- What?

Thought I heard a noise.

Addisons must be
back. I'll be right back.

Oh, honey, I'll put
on some coffee.

Invite them over. I'm
sure they'd like some.

Good idea. Be right back.

What's going on here?

Just feeding a
few liberty lovers.

Liberty lovers, liberty lovers.

[squawks]

Ed, you flipped. You flipped.

What are you, some kind of nut?

They were hungry, Wilbur.

[car approaches]

Excuse me.

It's Addisons.

He sees these birds
here, he'll k*ll me.

You'll be a martyr in
the cause of freedom.

Never mind that. You
get these birds out of here,

and get this place cleaned up.

And go out the back way.

I'll try to stall Addison.

- Wilbur.
- Out the back way.

Look, if they aren't out
of here in one minute,

there'll be a new face down
at the animal shelter tomorrow.

Wilbur.

Hello, kids. How was the trip?

Awful. Thanks to you, my
nerves are still shattered.

He had hallucinations
all the way home.

I still say I saw a flying
horse in the desert.

And I still say it
was a gas station.

It's nice to have you
back home again.

Carol's put some coffee
on. How about joining us?

Come on, doll.
I'm dying for a cup.

Come on, Rog. No, thank you.

I'm exhausted. I'm going
inside and go to bed.

Then I'll go alone. Excuse me.

Yeah. Look, Rog. You got
to come over for a little bit.

We want you to see the
surprise we got for Kay.

What is it this time, a
rattlesnake or a cobra?

- Alligator.
- What?

Handbag, handbag.

Come on. Rog.

Look, a nice, warm cup of coffee

after a nice, hot trip.

I told you I'm exhausted.

Wilbur, I tell you, it
was awful. Just awful.

Coming through the desert,

I thought I saw...

As I was coming across the
desert, I thought I saw this eagle.

Is that a chicken on your head?

No, Rog.

I need a long vacation.

Wilbur.

What ostrich?

How did you know
it was an ostrich?

You just said it.

I think I'll go to bed.

Oh.

Wilbur.

I didn't think so.

I think I'll get a glass
of milk and go to bed.

- I'll get it for you.
- No, no, no, no.

I'll get it myself.

No penguin?

See, you're starting to improve.

Ed, I know you meant well,

but do you know
what would happen

if you freed all the
birds that are in cages?

What?

Some of them
would starve to death,

some would fall
prey to other animals.

Gee, Wilbur.

I might have
Lincoln's long legs,

but I'm sure short on his brain.

Ed, you caused
me a lot of trouble,

but I admire you for wanting
to follow in the footsteps

of a great American
like Abraham Lincoln.

Say, Wilbur, I've got four feet.

So what?

So I can follow in Washington's
footsteps at the same time.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪
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